Less Than Kind (2008) s04e07 Episode Script

1 Previously, on Less Than Kind You, my dear, have started menopause.
No one fucking noticed that I was gone? Doesn't look that way.
I have been gone for two days! And the name of the series will be "Space Box".
We do this thing tomorrow morning? No.
The magic takes place at night.
Pow! Pow! But I use nighttime to sleep.
So Uzzie sells a little bit.
Other than that, he's totally legit.
Danny, you're filing the serial numbers off this bike.
Well, duh! That's what bike techs do, dummy! And you're married, and I knew that when we did it.
Oh God.
I am so fucked up.
Argh! Smokey? No! What if this guy actually was God? Then I just shot God in the head.
But he might have been the only one who can bring Abigail 333 back to life! Commander, do you really think God would be that easy to shoot in the head? No unless he was sacrificing his head-- his only head-- to teach us something, to tell us that maybe, just maybe, Roygus the Mighty really does know where the kill key is.
Commander, did you not hear two shots just now? Yeah.
I did.
The second was me shooting God.
The first was me shooting Roygus the Mighty.
No-- - Ah! Fuck! - Damn it, Goran.
- Goran! - You've ruined the take.
It was lightning in a bottle! Do you know anything about acting? You think you can just turn this on and off like a faucet? Didn't they teach you that in med school? Well, they taught me permanent lack of sleep leads to impairment of coordination, eventually causing death.
Thanks for the life lesson, but we're going again! God! We're going again! So don't move.
Don't fucking move.
Up above us all, leaning into sky Our golden business boy will watch the North End die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arcing wrecking ball proclaim "I hate Winnipeg.
" Come on, Danny! We're going to Europe! It's a party! What's with you? Uzzie.
It's Uzzie.
Danny, we're about to leave all that behind, okay? Fuck Uzzie.
You know what? Say that.
It'll feel good.
"Fuck Uzzie!" Fuck Uzzie! Yeah! Mm.
Hey, Miriam, come here.
Hey.
What's up? What's up?! We did it! We're going to Europe! Come on, crack a smile! I need another beer.
Hey, wait! No, no, no, come on! Miriam, you have worked so hard for this.
Too hard! No kidding.
And now you're done! Hey, try this, say, "Fuck Jack.
" Danny said, "Fuck Uzzie", and, Danny, how do you feel? Fantastic.
See? Say, "Fuck Jack!" What? "Fuck Jack.
" Feel the freedom.
Say it.
Fuck Jack.
Yeah! You guys Hey! Hey, buddy, can you take a picture of me and my buds? There you go.
Get in here, guys.
Booyeah, Europe! Josh Josh! - Huh?! - Aw.
It must be so hard, bartending again.
What are you talking about? Bartending.
Oh.
Yeah.
But we need the money, right? Yeah.
Speaking of I need to get online before New York opens.
How's the day-trading going? It's great.
I am just getting the hang of it.
You go get 'em, babe.
Got 'em! Don't go back to sleep, sweetie! - I'm up! - Okay.
What are you doing? Day-trading.
No, you just threw up-- in the kitchen, where people eat.
Because what I'm doing is time-sensitive.
What I'm doing is puke-sensitive.
Fine! Then I'll go upstairs to work! Good! Yeah! Go! Now! And stay there! Take that goddamn puke bucket with you.
There, there, honey.
It's just your aunt Clara.
You won't like her.
Josh? Yes, Commander! Boss.
Sir.
Josh, some of the, um people in your sales team seem rather unfocused.
Know who I mean? I think so.
Straighten them out.
I'm on it, Sir.
Is that the new sales script? Sales script? Josh and I are all over it.
So I can expect to see it soon.
What if I said, "Sooner than soon"? I would ask you what that means.
Three o'clock today.
And, Sir, the customer will have no choice but to increase their orders.
I'll settle for-- No choice! Can't argue with that.
Three o'clock, then.
Oh, that was close, bro.
I'll work on the reports.
How do you do it? Do what? You're not getting any more sleep than I am.
Sleep is weakness.
Sleep was my friend.
Well, then you need new friends.
Shh! You want to meet my friends? Bing, bong! Are you sure these are okay? Dude, I've been awake for four days.
How do I look? You look really awake! Yeah! Hey, Clara.
What are you doing here? I told you both your lessons were cancelled today.
I was going to come by and check the board for-- It's still on the fridge.
Okay.
So, 2:30 Is that the one-- 10? Not 10:30? Thursday, that's going to be a bear.
Annie? Is she around at all? She's around.
Hey.
Is Mom around? Rumour has it.
Hey, Sheldon.
What's up? Mom, you're still matching the money from the work I did, right? Of course, for Europe.
Good.
Well, get out your cheque book, because we did it! We've all saved our money.
We're actually going.
Three weeks! Oh K.
Must be nice.
That's exciting, isn't it? What are you doing here today? Me? I'm just, uh, checking the, um thing.
Well, I'm in the middle of laundry, so What the hell? Did something happen in Europe that I don't know about? It's tough on her.
Yeah, I know.
Mom? What? You have a crush on my sister.
Clara, leave it alone.
You leave it alone.
What's so funny? - Nothing, sorry.
- No, come on.
I just can't imagine my sister spending a night with you.
You mean again.
I'll see you later.
Hey! Hwah! Hai! Snap, crackle, and pop! What are these? Those two reports that you asked for.
What's that one? A mystery report.
What's in the mystery report? I've said too much already! - Bam! - Hey! Next guy caught sleeping on the job is going to wake up with his ass on fire in the unemployment line! I'm so tired I fell asleep on the escalator.
Hey, team! Do you see me complaining? Or do you see me dancing? Huh? I'm dancing! Good meeting! Right, Goran? This is not good.
- Hey! - Whoa! Guess who I just got off the phone with.
- I don't know.
- Shakespeare.
He said he read your script and then he shit himself in awe! I'm writing the next one while you talk.
- You're a machine.
- I know.
I don't even have to think about what I'm writing.
Don't stop! I can't! My fingers are just doing it! Shh! Oh! We're going to be famous again-- Shh! Holy shit! Are you alright, dear? Yeah.
I'm remembering.
What is it? Supposed to be a chicken.
But it's also a kid.
It's a chicken kid.
It's a girl.
What have you done? What have you done?! Fine, damn it.
"I miss you.
" Listen, I've got to go.
Okay.
Look, I love you too.
Okay.
Sorry.
I've got some news.
We're leaving in three weeks for Europe.
That's fantastic! That is awesome.
Oh my God, you're going to love Europe! Party! You want me to go.
Alright, come.
Come here.
Come here, come here.
You've got to admit, this little thing that we've had, it's always had a ticking clock on it, right? Well, now we've got a deadline.
Come on.
In three weeks! In three weeks, these sweet- little toes are going to be in Belgium.
What if I stayed? Boop! Why the fuck would you want to stay? No, seriously, what do you think is going to happen here? What, are you going to move in? "Hey, you want to be Cody's stepmom?" Come on.
God, you don't have to be so happy I'm leaving.
Sweetheart, I'm happy for you.
It's Europe.
Go.
I can't.
I I'd have to tell Sheldon.
No.
No, no.
No, no, no, don't.
Don't.
Think, okay? What is telling him going to do, other than ruin everybody's year? Then how do I go back? To what? What do you think you're going to do? You and Sheldon are going to go back to dating? Maybe.
"Oops, I fucked your uncle.
" That kind of thing? Listen, you tell? Honey, there is no coming back from this.
He might forgive me.
You don't know Sheldon.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but it sounds like you don't know anyone at all.
Baby, you guys are done.
I'll get this one.
Well, did you sleep with him or not? God, I don't even know.
We lost two whole days-- during which time no one in my family knew or cared.
We didn't know.
Yeah, or care! You know what? Let me ask you this, where was I when you were running around with Jim Sheridan? Well, how would I know? Yeah, my point exactly! What's your point? My point is that my whole life is running around with nobody to care about me! If I get lost for two days, I have nobody to not notice me.
Well, neither do I.
And, when Sheldon goes out, I'll have less than nobody.
Please.
You'll have Jim Sheridan.
Jim Sheridan Oh, please.
I-- Hello? Hi.
I was just driving by the drycleaners, so I thought I'd just pick up your dress for you.
Oh, is that your dress from the wedding? Yeah, it is.
Hm.
Did they manage to get the smell of campfire out of it? Oh, we didn't have a campfire, 'cause-- Uh, how much do I owe you? Nothing.
You don't owe me anything.
I'll get my purse.
No, don't be silly.
Come here! Did she tell you the whole adventure? Yep.
Oh yeah? Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, we had quite a time.
But, uh, I'm having trouble getting a read on your sister.
It's a bad idea, Jim.
What? You mean that Anne thinks we're a bad idea? Well, she's just too nice to tell you herself.
Oh.
Hm.
Okay.
Bye.
Didn't you hear the door? Relax.
It's my dad.
Then why didn't you answer it? Because he's not my dad.
Where's Miriam? Outside.
Oh, really? So now you care? Jesus.
I'll get it.
Oh, Sheldon.
I didn't wake you up, did I? I told Danny I was coming several times.
Oh! Well, I think he's home.
Danny.
- Mm? - I just brought over some things I believe to be yours.
Like what? I seem to have a couple of mini-putt scorecards I thought might be a memento.
Garbage.
Okay.
Um Uh Ooh, a couple of graphic novels.
Goodwill.
I've got a extra egg timer.
Leave the egg timer.
Ooh, and I also have this.
A policeman came by and left his card for you.
Alright, fine! I'm coming over! Hi.
Miriam.
How are you? Just great.
Was that your dad? No.
I-- I've got to go to work.
I thought you quit.
Are you spending Europe money again? Well, I'll explain later.
I'll call you.
Fuck! I've got to go to work, too.
Do you have any idea what this might be about? Nope.
At least take the card.
No time! Danny.
Danny! Morning, Annie.
Morning.
Shandra not coming down? She had to move her day-trading desk to the bedroom.
On the fucking river?! Shit! "River".
Uh, must be some stock-market slang.
Yeah, I wouldn't know.
Yes.
Yes, but this this is a mistake, so, if I could just get my money credited back to me? No, no, no, but this is a genuine mistake.
I I'm I'm pregnant! I mean, who goes all in with a pair of fours? Well, how do I get my money credited back to me? Well, how do I raise my limit? Do you guys take Visa? Morning, Jim.
You guys have used Gabor before, right? Yeah, yeah.
We like him.
Oh, good.
Oh.
Uh, Jim, would you mind taking the Mendelssohn kid? Uh, they called specifically for you.
I guess they heard some pretty good things.
No, I can't.
I'm going to finish out today.
Gabor is going to take care of my bookings this week, and he'll stay until you find somebody permanent.
Jim, you're quitting? I think it's for the best.
Listen, if this is about yesterday-- Is something wrong? Jim says he's quitting.
Oh.
But he doesn't have to, right, Annie? I mean, we have work for him.
If he wants to quit, I say we let him quit.
Okay.
Alright, then.
Jim, can't you just take a few days off? Here's the keys to the #2 car.
I've got some gas receipts.
Wait.
Yeah, listen, just take some time to think about things.
Could I get the cash for these? Jim, you can't quit! I can quit if I want to quit, okay? You don't get a vote.
I'm not a fucking democracy.
Annie? Okay, well, I just guess I'll wait on that letter of reference.
Annie Don't.
Dude! I've got huge news.
Wait.
You've got to read this, first.
What am I looking at? It's gibberish.
That's okay.
It's just a first draft.
I'm doing a rewrite now.
What's your news? What if I told you I just got off the phone with somebody from "The Cougar and the Bear"? You just got off the phone with two different animals? That's genius! I get it! No! "Cougar and the Bear", Winnipeg's #1 radio talk show! I told them about "Space Box".
They want to have a talk with us! That's almost like an interview! Dude, it is an interview! Ha! Oh! Oh! Dude! That's amazing! - Hey.
- Hey.
Is Mom around? Upstairs.
But I don't think she wants to be disturbed.
Why? Jim Sheridan quit today.
Seriously? I kind of thought Mom and Jim might have had something.
And how would you have felt about that? Mom needs somebody.
And Jim was a pretty good somebody.
Oh, God, Annie.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, hey.
What's going on? Jim quit because of me.
Wait.
Were Were you and Jim? Oh God, no.
No.
But Jim and your mom, yeah.
'Til I fucked it up.
I'm toxic to relationships.
When I'm in something good, I think it's bad.
When I'm doing something bad, I tell myself that it's good.
And then, when I see something that actually is good, like Jim and your mom, I don't even know what the hell I'm looking at, so I just fuck it up! I fuck it up, I fuck it up, I fuck it up! You know this about me? Some.
Has it always been like that for you? It started with my dad.
He was an asshole.
And he died while I was still pissed at him.
So that started the whole parade of assholes.
Well, if if Zeta was kind of an asshole, why'd you pick another asshole? Because, when you feel like shit, Sheldon, there is nothing better than a really bad idea to just cut out all the noise.
Enter Jack, exciting, handsome, with a thing for hot messes.
And I was young and a mess.
Barbara? Young and a mess.
Yeah, he likes his girls lost and confused.
And that's my story.
I've got to stop being like this.
No, I'm going to stop being like this.
I'm going to open a window.
I can't believe I've fallen in love with a sick serpent! I win! And when I bare your child, the whole universe will be mine! Yeah? About that baby Eric! Line! Smokey you didn't! I had to.
What do you mean? Speak, human! That's not a baby in your womb.
It's a molecular bomb! No! Fuck! God damn it, Dean! You're as bad as Goran! Did you go to the same med school? I I tried my best.
Well, your best makes shitty look amazing.
Shitty look amazing.
What? You know what, Eric? We've got to fire these guys! Are you firing us? I fired you 20 seconds ago! Why are you still here, bitch? Yes! We're out of here! Lousy fucking crew! They're gone! Fuckin' A! We had to do that, right? We had to do that, right? Why are you repeating me? I'm writing you! What? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? See? I wrote you again.
I'm the writer.
Oh shit.
How are we going to get down? Shit.
How are we going to get down? That's a good one.
I wrote that, too! I'm the writer! I'm on a roll! I'm the writer.
I write.
I write.
I'm right.
I write.
I make everything begin!