Life in Pieces (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

This is a really big moment, all right? We've been waiting for this moment for a long time, right? I mean, you're gonna finally meet your baby sister for the first time.
You know, her name is Talia Collins Short, and she's gonna be in your life forever.
Oh, boy.
And-and she's gonna look up to you, and she's gonna want to hold your hand, you know, even when you're 80.
You'll be just two old ladies who hold hands and watch sunsets together.
Doesn't that sound nice? Can I push the buttons? Yeah, fine.
Go for it.
Knock yourself out.
(SNIFFLES, CLEARS THROAT) (PHONE VIBRATING) Come on.
- GREG: Hey, honey.
- Are you guys here? Oh, I can't wait for the girls to meet.
Yeah, I know.
Can you believe it? We're a family of four.
Now we can each be one of our kids' favorites.
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's not necessarily true.
- Well - Hey, did you put Lark in that special dress? Yep, and, uh, I've got the gift from her to the baby, the gift from the baby to her, the gift from me to you and nothing for me.
So, everyone's taken care of.
You're doing a great job, honey.
- Thanks.
You know, I know they say - (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) going from one kid to two is hard, but I'm gonna be honest, so far, so good.
I'll see you in a second.
(PHONE BEEPS OFF) No, Lark! No! Lark! No.
Come on.
Do you know where the burn unit is? I can't help you.
I'm sorry.
Jerk.
Lark! Lark! (GRUNTS) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) That's not good.
Officer.
Officer, I-I lost my kid.
She's, uh, four years old, she has short brown hair, uh, she's got a big heart and-and her favorite color is-is every color.
- Have you tried the morgue? - Oh, God.
What? It's next to the McDonald's.
All the kids end up there.
Well, why didn't you just say McDonald's? (PANTING) Lark! Lark! - Lark! Lark! - (PHONE VIBRATING) Oh, no.
Uh, hey, honey.
Hey, where are you guys? Uh, w-we just got turned around a little bit.
Yeah.
You know, hospitals are like casinos.
They-they just don't want you to leave.
(CHUCKLES) That's literally the exact opposite of what a hospital wants.
Hey, honey, will you put Lark on the phone? I just want to prepare her for this.
Lark can't talk right now.
Um, she has got, uh, some gumballs in her mouth.
Yeah.
S-She's probably got, like, 20 in there.
What? Is that safe? Well, you know, this is a hospital, Jen.
Uh, there's help around every corner.
Will somebody please help me? Lark? Hello? Hello? I need some help here! (HITTING COUNTER) - (WHISPERS): Congratulations.
- (SHOUTS) - Oh.
- What's the matter? I lost Lark.
Honey, listen, just take a breath, okay? It's no big deal.
Kids run off, all right? How long has she been gone? I don't know.
Maybe three minutes? Three minutes? Oh, my gosh! Greg, why are you standing here? I got this! You go, run! Why are you not looking for her? Call her name! Lark? Oh Oh, sorry.
Whoa.
Delicious.
Uh, whoa, uhp.
Oh! Lark! Lark! I have the flu.
(COUGHING) I heard somebody was in a grizzly accident.
(PANTING) Excuse me.
H-Have you seen a little girl? Hi, Daddy.
Lark! Lark! (LAUGHS): Oh! Oh.
You're here.
You're here.
Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.
Oh.
Are you okay? I saw a sleeping man with a price tag on his toe.
You didn't try to wake him up, did you? No.
All right.
- Here we are.
- (JEN GASPS) Finally.
I was getting worried.
Hi, sweetie.
Mm.
Oh.
So someone has been asking to meet you.
Should we go over? Here.
She's so cute.
I love you, Talia.
It's just how I pictured it.
(CHUCKLES) See, honey? I told you, we got this.
Yeah, we do.
Oh! Oh, thank God.
You found her.
Oh, Lark.
I was worried that we'd lost you forever.
Oh Did you lose Lark? (BLOWS RASPBERRY) No.
- (INTERCOM BEEPS) - MAN (OVER INTERCOM): Code pink.
Missing child.
Answers to the name of Lark.
(INTERCOM BEEPS) I never wanted to be one of these parents, but I think we should get a leash.
Hey, Sophia, when are you gonna come join the rest of the family for dinner? Oh, you have that constipated look on your face.
You need a banana? No.
It's my math homework.
It's impossible.
I can't do it.
Now I know why people skateboard.
Oh, sweetie, listen, it's okay.
I can help you.
Hey.
Can I go to a silent rave with Jenna tonight? Absolutely not.
It's a school night.
Fine.
I'll just stay in and send pictures of my butt to every boy in school.
Yeah, okay, sweetie, have a good time.
All right, doing a little math.
Okay, so we've got W-Where are the numbers? Where are the plus signs? What is this? - This is the prompt.
- Mm-hmm.
And these are the unit cubes.
I don't Mom, it's okay.
I'll just copy off Beverly in the morning.
I'm pretty sure she's in love with me.
Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I am four credits shy of a college degree.
Were those four credits for math? HEATHER: Ugh.
(GROANS) Mom, I'm hungry.
- You'll eat once we get this.
- Get what? Your daughter's stupid homework.
Ooh, I'm good at homework.
What is this? - Math.
- I disagree.
I'll just Google it.
How are you gonna Google a bunch of grids on a page? Okay, wait, wait, wait, listen, we are not gonna pull the answers off the Internet, okay.
'Cause it's not gonna be the day that our daughter's homework is too difficult for us.
You're a doctor.
I'm a doctor's wife.
We can handle a little bit of middle school math.
- Come on.
- All right, let me get at this thing.
And then I'll climb up in here and see what we got.
Okay.
(GRUNTS) I don't know, I give up.
This is that day.
- Ooh, Colleen.
Hey.
- Yeah? Hi.
Hey, we're having a little trouble with some math in here.
- Can you help us? - Of course.
Oh, great.
Can you go get Jen? HEATHER: Thank you.
- Eighteen.
- That's the answer? No, that's how many years it's been since I've done math.
Ugh! Come on, Jen, you're a lawyer.
You go to an office.
Those are facts about my job, yes.
Do you want me to sue the school - for giving her homework? - Can you do that? The teacher did say something about a sequence pattern You know what, honey, let the grown-ups think.
Okay? Look, I'm sure that it's secretly easy.
We just don't know what it's asking or what it's about or, you know, what it is.
Why don't we ask Sam? Didn't she just do this a few years ago? Because I am not gonna ask a 16-year-old to help me with this homework.
I can't believe you don't have any faith in us.
Heather, we are too old for math.
All right, we're not too old.
What is nine times seven? - See, we're too old for math.
- It's sixty Hey, nobody asked you to do math, Sophia.
Okay, I happen to know a nerd in this family who is, like, legitimately good at this kind of stuff.
Oh, Colleen? Yeah? Will you get Greg for me? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Yep.
You gotta figure that out.
That's math.
- Are you kidding me? - Oh, come on.
You dumb, lying nerd.
I can't believe you guys didn't ask me for help.
"No, Colleen can't do numbers.
" Well, joke's on you.
Wait, are you saying that you understand unit cubes? Unit what? No.
Sorry.
I got confused for a second.
JEN: You know what, I just remembered, I've got some math stuff at home, - so I'm gonna run and get it.
- Mm.
She's not coming back, is she? Nope.
Hey, did you guys figure it out? Yeah, Sophia, you should just do what I used to do in school.
Flirt with the teacher, don't turn in your homework, and then turn in the teacher.
TIM: Heather, go get Sam.
No.
Come on, how is it that a group of educated adults - can't figure this out? - Because we can't.
It's too hard.
Oh, it is not! I must've just forgotten the easy stuff.
Okay, nine goes in the second box.
27 goes over here.
And the output is - Uh, seven and a half? - Yep.
Ooh, I am turned on.
- I never made it with a nerd before.
- Oh Yep, 7.
5.
That's what I came up with.
That's a really pretty pattern on the page.
- Mm.
- Mom, you're the best.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
I love you 7.
5 times more.
(LAUGHS) JOAN: Peach crumble in the dining room.
All right, go get some dessert, sweetie, you deserve it.
Oh, look at that.
Mom.
Yeah? Oh, I know.
I see you.
Okay, listen, this will cover pizza and what I hope is a soda.
And how much for doing your homework? Go.
Take your freaky outfit and go.
Hey, hey! Love you.
Hey, uh, have you seen Mom? I need her to take Lucas to art class.
I got a-a work emergency.
Emergency? I thought you were a graphic dealer.
I'm a graphic designer.
And, yeah, there's an emergency.
They wanted the logo in Helvetica, we made it in Arial, so this is an all-hands-on-deck sort of situation.
You know, in my day, a work emergency was nearly 500 passengers plummeting to their death.
Dad, I'm not looking for perspective, okay.
I'm looking for a ride for Lucas to art class.
What's the big deal? Just tell him to skip it.
No.
He really enjoys it, and I'm trying to be a father who encourages him, unlike, you know, you, who referred to art class as "fart" class.
(LAUGHS) I said that? - Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
- Amazing.
It was hilarious, especially when you made me skip it to go to golf lessons.
Well, it's incredible you remember that.
- I forgot the whole thing.
- Yeah.
Well, that's how trauma works, Dad.
Well, tell that to Phil Donahue.
Ah, great.
Thank you.
Okay, I'll-I'll take the kid to art class.
Really? Yeah, it'll give me a chance to get to know my new grandson.
Yeah, okay.
I think he'd really like that.
Great, huh? Dad? Hmm? Oh, you mean now? Well, I got to say I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Dad.
Lucas had a great time hanging out with his Pop-Pop.
In fact, here's a little something to say thank you.
Well, how about that.
I swear, you art hasn't gotten any better.
That's from Lucas.
He's really advanced, don't you think? Well, all I see is a pile of brown rocks, but you know, I'll put it up here in the art gallery.
Oh, wow, that's awesome.
I never made the fridge.
Well, you got to earn it.
I mean, this took Heather six wine and design classes.
Man, it's so great that he's invested in something so young.
Maybe I should double up on his art classes.
Why don't I keep taking him? - Really? - Mm-hmm.
I've got to say, I'm kind of blown away, Dad.
It's cool that you want to be a part of his life.
Well, I-I guess it's just because - Lucas is my first grandson.
- (CLATTERING) But I'm your first grandson.
No, I'm sure that he just means his first grandson with a you know, with a dream.
But I had a band for years, and no one in this family ever came to see me play.
Oh, buddy, I'll come see you play.
When's your next gig? I quit.
Well, that's why I didn't support you.
You're a quitter.
- Hello? - Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
- Your father and Lucas are still out.
Oh, cool.
Have you seen his artwork? Yeah, I saw the rocks on the fridge.
Anything to cover up Heather's drunken art.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Isn't it so nice to see Dad supporting Lucas in something that he loves.
I mean, this is coming from the man who literally told me to quit art.
Well, to be fair, dear, you were 36 and living in our garage.
Yeah.
What are Lucas' art supplies still doing here? Why would they need art supplies on the golf course? Why would they need a golf course? Because it's embarrassing to drink at home at 11:00 a.
m.
? Damn it.
(GRUNTS) Wow.
Really thought you had changed, Dad.
I thought you were gonna support Lucas in a way that you never supported me.
- Oh, geez.
I can explain.
- No, no, no.
You don't have to.
I think that we all know what's happening here.
Look.
This one is igneous, see? What's happening here? Well, he likes rocks.
That's why we skipped fart class and came here.
He hates art.
What? That's not true.
Who hates art and only loves rocks? I love you, I love you.
(KISSING) What's worse is I think that's an old doody from a goose.
He doesn't like art? Why didn't he tell me that? 'Cause his dad is pushing him to be something he wasn't.
I made the same mistake you did.
Well, you'll do better on the next kid, if you can afford one.
Thanks, Dad.
Or I could just support my son no matter what he likes.
I love this one, I love this one, I love this one.
I guess I could, too.
You want to take in a quick nine? No, I hate golf.
Well, then, we'll do it your way.
INSTRUCTOR: Okay, I really want to see definition in those rose petals.
Thanks for coming with me, Dad.
Oh.
I can see why Heather likes this wine-ing and designing.
(SETS BOTTLE ON TABLE) Excuse me.
You can't have alcohol here.
Oh.
Heather? (WHISPERING): Yeah? I thought this was the whole point.
Oh.
No, Dad.
You have to put it in a water bottle so no one knows you're drinking.
Oh Thank you for coming over for tea.
Sorry I was all out, but I microwaved some Snapple.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Hot strawberry kiwi.
So, now that we have Lucas, and Jen and Greg have their new baby, I was thinking it's time that we take a family photo.
Ooh.
- Family photo.
No, no.
- Mm-hmm.
We don't want more things for Facebook to sell to the Russians.
- Oh.
- HEATHER: We don't want that.
You know what? I think I have some tea bags in my purse.
Not that this isn't delicious.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay, just so you know, my mom has never been in a single family photo.
She runs every time she sees a camera.
Yeah, that's why nobody can ever catch her on film.
I mean, we have gotten a couple blurs of her, like, loping through the kitchen.
She's basically the Bigfoot of suburban therapists.
Okay, well, I am gonna convince her to be in the family photo.
- (LAUGHS) - Okay.
- You're so cute.
I love it.
- You go do that.
Yeah, listen, she wouldn't even take one for Lark's christening.
My daughter was christened? Oh, yeah.
You were on a work trip in Houston.
Joan, I really want you in the family photo.
It's not complete without you.
Oh, thank you, dear, but it's a hard pass.
I-I really am miserable getting photographed.
But you're so beautiful.
Why do you hate the camera so much? I-I don't hate it, it hates me.
In fourth grade, my smile was so pained in-in the class photo that they called in a special investigator to question all the teachers.
Well, the camera doesn't hate you, it just needs to get to know you.
So allow me to make the introduction.
Are you gonna break into song? Nope, I'm gonna break into my makeup kit.
Because if you're just upset about the way you look in photos, I can fix that.
No, honey.
I-I'm not much of a makeup person.
You know, where I grew up, the only person that wore makeup was the butcher's wife, and she wasn't somebody you wanted to emulate.
Joan, trust me.
In high school, I worked at the cosmetics counter, and I helped fix a ton of weird-looking freaks.
Not that you're one of them.
I just don't think makeup's the answer.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
Can you tell which eyebrow I lost in a sorority hazing incident? Right.
No, left.
No.
No, r-the right.
- Both.
- Oh, are you good.
Thank you.
(SOFT LAUGHTER) I'm so impressed you got Joan on board.
Yeah.
How did you do that? Did you get her drunk? Ooh, was it pills? No.
I just worked my makeup magic and helped her feel comfortable.
A little blending, a little contouring, a little defining.
In fact, if I had more time, I could make both of your eyes look the same size, and I could give you an upper lip.
Excuse me.
I think that your lips are perfect.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You okay.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
There she is.
(GASPS) Did I just scream? Because I wanted to.
Wow, Mom.
Look at all your features.
Okay.
It's like an eclipse, don't look directly at it.
I can't look at Joan's face, I can't look at Colleen's cleavage.
- Where am I supposed to look? - Okay.
You look hot, Joanie.
You look like when, uh, Bugs Bunny tried to get that hunter to make love to him.
It's so much.
I feel like the local news anchor.
No, no.
You're the weather girl.
Do I want to be the weather girl? Okay, everyone.
Let's do this.
Mom-Mom, let me help you down.
It looks like it might be hard to see with those lashes.
Well, honey, the weight is the actual impediment.
Mm.
When I close my eyes, I feel like I don't have the strength to open them.
Okay.
What did you do to my mother? Assuming that my mother is underneath all of that.
I know I might have gone a little overboard, but she's here and she's gonna be in the photo, which is more than any of you have ever done, - so - Oh.
Eh Oh, dear.
Ah, front and center.
(CHUCKLES) Right in the middle.
All the eyes are on me.
Oh.
Okay, Lark, so you're gonna stay right in front of Mom-Mom, okay? That lady is scary.
(OTHERS GASPING) No way.
I'll get her.
I got it, I got it.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I just don't feel like myself.
I-I can't do this.
Guys, I can fix this.
Yeah.
I don't think the answer's in there.
But what do I know? I have no upper lip.
(MOANS) I'm so sorry about the other day, Joan.
Don't be silly, sweetie.
I just feel so badly that you didn't get a family photo.
Oh, it's okay.
We'll get it someday.
Oh, you look nice.
Here, why don't you hold the baby? Oh, thank you, honey.
She especially loves it when you look up and say cheese.
- Cheese.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) - Oh, you sons of bitches.
- (LAUGHTER)