Liv and Maddie (2013) s04e07 Episode Script

1 Hey, everyone! I'm your host, Vince Vitale, and welcome to Chips and Chuckles! It's an honor to perform here at Quesadilla Joe's, where Chris Rock got his start.
(Imitates Chris Rock) Actually, I got my start in New York City.
But I love comedy night at Quesadilla Joe's, where you come for the chips, but you stay for the chuckles.
(Laughter) Maddie, that's our old pal Vince.
Vince was the helpful airline ticket agent we met when Maddie tried to chase Diggie to Australia.
He was no help at all.
No, no, he told me where the bathroom was.
That was super helpful.
(In normal voice) Tonight's vegan enchilada night here at Quesadilla Joe's, which to Vince, oh, that sounds so good.
But to Morgan Freeman (Imitates Morgan Freeman) That sounds like an invitation to a long night of thunder Down Under.
- (Laughter) - Good night and good luck.
(Cheers and applause) Hey! Vince! Vince, do you remember us? Joey! Maddie! Flight 241 to Milwaukee.
- (Gasps) - Vince never forgets a face (Makes whooshing sound) or a flight.
(Makes whooshing sound) You were amazing up there.
Thanks.
You were amazing sitting in that chair.
Thanks.
(Chuckles) It must feel so good to be in such command of the audience.
How do you comedians do it? Well, we take everything weird about ourselves and (Whooshes) toss it out there.
For Vince, it's funny voices.
But everybody's got their own kind of weird.
Oh, hey, Joey, you have so much weird.
You could totally do that.
Using my weirdness to work for me instead of against me? Huh.
I've never really thought of that.
Hm.
Could my greatest weakness be my greatest strength? Am I some kind of comedy superhero? (Gasps) Oh, is this my origin story? Me? (Chuckles) Do stand-up? No.
G guys, no.
What would I even say? Just talk about your life.
You probably have more to say than you realize.
(Sighs) I mean the ladies in Cat Appreciation Club do find me fascinatin'.
See? You're a complete mess.
You're gonna be great at this.
(Laughs) (Theme music playing) Better in stereo Bet-bet-better in stereo - I'm up with the sunshine - Let's go - I lace up my high-tops - Oh no Slam dunk, ready or not Yeah, show me what you got - I'm under the spotlight - Holler I dare you, come on and follow You dance to your own beat I'll sing the melody When you say yea-ah-ah I say no-oh-oh When you say stop All I want to do is go, go, go You, you, the other half of me, me The half I'll never be-e The half that drives me crazy You, you, the better half of me, me The half I'll always need But we both know We're better in stereo "Boom or Doom Chemistry Challenge.
" Did you say "challenge," flyer? Challenge accepted! Boom or Doom is a two-person biochem challenge.
The winning team gets embroidered patches for its lab coats.
We're scientists.
We take flair on our lab coats very seriously.
Oh, hey, Val.
What's in the beakers? One's concentrated fox urine for enzyme analysis.
The other one's apple juice.
Shoot.
I forgot which is which.
Lunch is gonna be exciting! If Val's my partner for the Boom or Doom, there's no way we'll lose.
So this is how it feels to have intellectual peers! What do you say? Me and you? Friday night? Seriously? You and me? I can't think of a better pair.
Um, yes.
I'd like that.
See you later.
Well, well, well.
I had no idea that my brother was such a playa! What are you talking about, Munch? You just asked Val to the dance.
Hence the "playa"! What? No, I asked her to do Boom or Doom with me.
No, you said, "Me and you? Friday night?" And then you went like this.
Kapow! You asked her to the Boom-Shaboom Dance.
You said you couldn't think of a better pair.
Parky, that is so romantic.
No! I meant Boom or Doom, not Boom-Shaboom! She knows which Boom I meant, right? Why are there so many Booms? Well, they're both Friday night, so you better tell her that you meant the chemistry challenge.
Joey, I can't do that.
If she thinks I asked her to the dance and I tell her I didn't, she's gonna be crushed.
Yeah, well then ya better clarify, playa! Stop! Hey, Val Hey, Parker.
I figured out which one's apple juice.
I'm not gonna tell you how.
So about Friday night what where do what are you gonna wear to that thing that we're doing together with us? The suggested dress code is on the flyer.
One says "lab coat" and the other says "smart, festive, dressy, casual.
" What does that even mean? You guys will never believe what just happened.
Tell them, Ruby.
I got all A's on my report card! - Oh, that's wonderful! - Fantastic.
I mean, I just personally think that that deserves some kind of reward, right, Aunt Dena? It sure does.
What would you like, Ruby? Gosh, I hadn't really thought about it.
I want to get my ears pierced.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Well, it is a perfect time for physical transformation.
Mars is in retrograde and the mall is having a sale on dolphin earrings.
Dena, this is a major bonding experience.
There's nothing like watching your little girl march towards adulthood by watching a complete stranger jam a pin through her ear.
Mm-mm.
Yeah, and you know what, you really are in such great hands, Ruby.
I mean, when I was here before and I was shooting Sing it Loud! Your mom actually took me to get my ears pierced.
No, no, no, no, Liv.
Actually, I took you to get your ears pierced when you were home in Wisconsin on hiatus.
- Liv? - Maddie? - Dena? - Dinner? Spill.
Um Okay, so Mom, you didn't really take me to get my ears pierced.
You took me.
But that was weeks before I took Liv.
Yeah, it was.
But I wore a headband over my ears until the holes closed and then you took me again as Liv.
Karen: Now wait a minute, let me get this straight.
You two pulled a switch-a-Rooney on me for one of the pinnacle moments of a mother's life? And her daughter's.
Whatever.
I just, I I couldn't wait, Mom, so I convinced Aunt Dena to take me.
(Gasps) I'm weak, Karen.
Don't let this tip your scale into anger and darkness.
Oh, I will show you anger and darkness.
In high school, Mom took me to see Duran Duran without you.
(Gasps) Duran Duran was my band! Not that night they weren't.
Oh! What's Duran Duran? Oh, um, it's sort of like One Direction but for old ladies.
Hey, Joe.
- Ready for your big stand-up debut? - Oh, you know it.
I've been writin' material.
Maddie, I'm startin' to think that this is my thang.
(Chuckles) Yeah, that's right.
Joey Rooney got a thang.
Here to introduce our next act, Matthew McConaughey, George W.
Bush, Charles Barkley, and Adam Sandler.
(Imitates Matthew McConaughey) I believe it's gonna be all right, all right, all right.
(Imitates George W.
Bush) Looking forward to some sweet jokification.
(Imitates Charles Barkley) I just hope this knucklehead isn't terrible.
(Imitates Adam Sandler) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr.
Joey Rooney! (Mumbles) (Cheers and applause) Joey! Um so Um hi.
My heart was beating so loud, I could barely hear the vomit coming up in my throat.
Uh I I can't do this.
I'm finding my peace finding my center.
It's not working! My conflict with Karen has ravaged my inner tranquility.
Do you know what would cheer you up? Taking me to the mall to get my ears pierced.
Ruby, I don't feel comfortable doing that until I have healed things with my sister.
Putting a hole in your ear won't fix the hole in her heart.
(Gasps) Wait.
I think I know a way to make things better.
A little something I like to call "the empty gesture.
" That sounds underhanded.
Go on.
Okay, so Aunt Dena, you tell my mom that she can take Ruby to get her ears pierced.
My mom will appreciate the gesture, but she knows what a big bonding experience this is for a mother and a daughter, she'll insist that you take her.
Boom! Hearts healed, ears pierced.
Hi, girls.
Oh, you're here.
Thought you'd be out with Liv picking out her wedding dress.
- Karen? - Hm? I'm going to make an appointment to take Ruby to get her ears pierced tomorrow, but I think you should take her.
It's only fair.
Well, that is a very generous gesture.
Oh, please.
I know an empty gesture when I see it.
I would love to take Ruby.
Oh, thanks, Dena.
You're a peach.
Joey? What are you doin'? I'm jumping my sadness away.
Why don't you come out here and talk to me? Hey.
So what happened? (Sighs) Maddie, I choked.
I had no idea it would be that hard.
I mean, all those people looking at me.
I mean, I just kept thinking, "What if they don't think I'm funny?" But, Joey, you're a really funny guy.
Yeah, maybe when I'm clowning around, but stand-up is so different.
I mean, I gotta really put myself out there.
- (Sighs) - It sounds to me like you're kind of scared.
Yeah, well, I didn't vomit in my mouth because I was confident.
All right, well, um maybe I can help.
What's the thing that scares you the most about being up on that stage? Um I guess that people will boo and throw stuff at me while I'm feeling naked and vulnerable.
Well done.
I am definitely feeling naked and vulnerable.
Well, good, 'cause it is, uh, time that you face your fears.
So tell me a joke, funny boy.
Okay.
Um Knock-knock - Boo! - What are you No! You're supposed to say, "Who's there?" You stink! Ow! No! Why can't you throw like a girl? Like a what? Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry! Maddie, I'm sorry! Liv, I've got a story idea for an episode of you know.
Sing it Louder! - Uh yeah.
- Yeah.
- Sure, that's the one.
Okay.
- Yeah.
So this really cool guy asks Sasha to do a chemistry challenge with him by gesturing to a flyer, but the flyer is right next to a banner for the school dance, and he's not sure if she said yes to the challenge or to the dance.
So, what do you think the cool guy should do? I need to know ASAP.
Hmm Wait a second.
You just said "I" as in you! This isn't a story idea, you're coming to me for girl advice! I'm gonna go make a pot of tea and I'm gonna get my pan flute CD.
Come on.
Liv, don't be Mom.
I guess I do kind of sound like Mom.
(Chuckles) I totally get her now! She just wants to be in our lives! Liv talked about me? What did she say? Tell me anything! I just want to be in her life! (Chuckles) What if she wants to go to the dance? I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Okay, okay, uh, okay, so you do not want to go to the dance with this girl, right? Right.
Why did you just pause before you said that? I I didn't pause.
You totally paused.
Wait a second.
Did you ask this girl to the science thing, and now you've thought about it, and now you want to take her to the dance? - No? - That was another pause! It was a confusing question.
Admit it.
Okay, fine.
I didn't realize it at first, but yes, I want to take her to the dance.
(Squeals) Okay, then you have to let her know, you gotta put on a suit, you gotta show up, and you gotta hope that that's the way that she feels too.
You know what? You're right.
- Go big or go home.
- Yes! (Squeals) This is very exciting.
Please don't do the whoo.
I'm sorry, it's mandatory.
Whoo! Parker's got a girlfriend Are you sure that you want to go through with this, Mom? I mean, wouldn't it be better to invite Aunt Dena to go with you to get Ruby's ears pierced? No, it wouldn't, Maddie.
I'm Liv.
Are you? Are you? Come on, Ruby.
Let's go.
You know what, Aunt Karen? I don't want to get my ears pierced anymore.
It's gonna hurt you and my mom, and that'll make me feel bad.
Sweetie, I was trying to make your mom feel bad, not you.
Oh Dena! Yes? Did you get my silent messages through the spirit transom? Take Ruby to get her ears pierced.
This is something that a mother and daughter should experience together.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh, would you join us? Well, I would be honored.
Oh! Both: Sis! Sisters healed, hearts mended.
Let's go.
(Sighs) Hold it, Straight A's.
Did you just bluff my mother? Hey, if I'm old enough to get my ears pierced, I'm old enough to manipulate grown-ups.
Hey.
If Val shows up in a lab coat, I'm gonna look like a doofus.
But at least I'll be one fine-looking doofus.
Hey, Val.
Look at you dressed for the biochem challenge.
Ouch.
Oh no.
(Laughs) So um that's a really nice lab coat.
Thanks.
Nice suit.
Did you think you asked me to the dance? Yeah.
I was kind of hoping.
Actually I was kind of hoping too.
What do you think? I don't usually do smart, festive, dressy, casual.
You couldn't look more perfect.
(Squeals) Whoo! Playa! Everybody just cork it! Shall we Shaboom? We shall.
Glad you came back, buddy.
Look, everyone bombs their first time.
Just remember, if a joke doesn't go well, hit 'em with your Morgan Freeman voice.
No, Vince, I don't have a Morgan Freeman voice.
(Imitates Morgan Freeman) Well, you best get one, sonny.
(Laughs) Because Morgan Freeman will save you every time.
(Laughs) (Imitates Morgan Freeman) Maddie, I'm nervous (In normal voice) Maddie, I'm nervous.
You know what? You got this, bro.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Rooney! (Cheers and applause) Joey! (Exhales) So, um so I I peaked physically very early, like ridiculously early, like when I was two.
(Laughter) - I, uh - (Laughter continues) Like seriously.
Like, when I was two, I got these glasses, right? And I've had these lips since I was born.
I looked like a cartoon character, guys.
- (Laughter) - I was adorable, the epitome of cute.
And then from about three years old to now, I've kind of coasted at middle-aged female librarian.
- (Laughter) - Which is fine.
It's fine.
I just have, like, this kind of face.
You know, like, I have the glasses.
Like, I'm stereotyped a lot.
I was in my counselor's office and we were setting up my schedule and, um and I was like, "I'd like to be in Advanced Robotics," and she goes, "Mm, actually, I wouldn't recommend Advanced Robotics 'cause the schedule conflicts with the marching band.
" And I was like "I'm in the marching band?" And my counselor was like, "(Scoffs) You're not in the marching band?" (Laughter) I moved to LA, uh, about four months ago.
I've lived here for like four months.
It's different.
Like, I'm from Wisconsin.
Back in Wisconsin, I'm a senior in high school.
I'm a senior in high school here.
I was really looking forward to being like It's how it works.
You know, I get downgraded.
Now I'm in seventh grade now.
But in California, like, I I wanted I was looking forward to being, like, the senior and getting the, like, Most Likely to Succeed or whatever, like, in the back of the yearbook, and then I moved to California and they are much different than they were in Wisconsin.
I get to California and it's like Best Vibes.
(Laughter) And like Most Likely to Stick to a Juice Cleanse.
When I first got here, I saw a lot of girls walking around school with like "I Heart Nerds" shirts.
Or like "I'm Gonna Marry a Nerd.
" And I was like, "I have come to my paradise.
"This is it.
LA is where I belong!" And then I found out these girls don't actually like nerds.
These girls like hot, muscular guys that sometimes wear glasses.
(Laughter) And that is not the same.
Guys, not the same.
I, uh I'm turning 18 soon.
It's exciting.
A lot of new things become available to me when I turn 18.
Like, I can buy a lottery ticket, like, I can go to real person prison, (Laughter) That's exciting.
The stakes are high.
(Laughter) I can get a tattoo.
Yeah, I can get a tattoo.
A friend of mine just got a tattoo and got, um, "To the moon and back" in his mom's handwriting 'cause that's something his mom said to him a lot.
And then in his dad's handwriting, he got "Carpe diem.
" And I was like, "I love that idea.
I can do the same thing.
" In my mom's handwriting, I could get "I love you like fire" 'cause that's something my mom says to me a lot, and then in my dad's handwriting I could get "Why can't you be more like your sisters?" (Laughter) Thank you guys so much.
I'm Joey Rooney.
You were awesome.
- Whoo! - (Cheers and applause) Joey: Thank you.
Thanks for kind of asking me to the dance tonight, Parker.
Thanks for kind of saying yes.
By the way, you're not a bad dancer for a scientist.
Thanks.
You know, I was gonna invent a robot that dances for me, but that just seemed rude.
So is there anything else that you want to do tonight? There is something.
We go in that Boom or Doom Chemistry Challenge? Challenge accepted! Oh, now I get why you say that! Vince: (Imitates Morgan Freeman) You best get one, sonny.