M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e07 Episode Script

## [Whistling.]
Does the colonel wish to dictate a letter? No.
I was going to write one to my wife.
Our anniversary's coming up shortly.
- Oh.
Congratulations, sir.
- Thank you.
Are you married, Radar? No, sir.
I'm just a kid.
When you get back home, you ought to find yourself a nice girl.
First I wanna get a '46 Chevy.
- I've had 27 wonderful years with Mrs.
Potter.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Can't get that kind of mileage out of a Chevy.
I never ride the clutch, sir.
[Clears Throat.]
Finish the daily report? - Yes, I did, sir.
- Notify the officer of the day? Done.
I've done and did everything you told me to done and do, sir.
Relax, Radar.
Smoke if you've got 'em.
I'm just a kid, sir.
Would you like to clean up the office? Oh, yes, sir.
That would be nice.
That's I did That's one of my best things.
[Potter's Voice.]
"My dearest Mildred" "My dearest Mildred.
Well, one more year has rolled around "and we are facing another anniversary away from each other.
"Thanks for the talcum powder.
Took a long walk yesterday and didn't chafe a lick.
"Tickled to hear you got your corn removed.
"Wish I were there to dance with you.
"As for me, I'm still trying to get used to this outfit.
"It's not easy.
I'm the new kid on the block "and they've all got their own little ways.
"Like my company clerk, a young boy they call Radar.
"Nice enough, but a little squirrelly.
"Of course, he's been over here a long time.
"As your cousin Natalie said, and she's been quoted by so many - 'War is hell.
"' - [Knocking At Door.]
- [Out Loud.]
Someone's at the door, dear.
- Yes, sir.
- Colonel.
- Major.
Major.
- Colonel.
- What can I do you for? - With With your permission, we'd like to take your picture.
- For the unit yearbook, sir.
- I didn't know you had a yearbook.
- Oh, yes.
We've had one every year.
- Starting with this one.
What kind of pose would you like? - Um, standing.
- Sitting.
- Standing would be better, Major.
- Not sitting? Standing is very difficult to do when you're sitting.
Why don't I stand? Uh, uh - An F-4 and a hundredth.
- [Frank.]
Yes, yes.
Sir, I think it would be better with a 2.
8 and a 1/25th.
Keep your exposures to yourself! Hold it! Now a side view.
No, you stay, sir.
He'll move.
Move! Protection.
Protection, yes.
[Laughing.]
Neat.
- Thank you, Colonel.
Thank you very much.
- No sweat, I'm sure.
Major.
Colonel.
Curious, aren't they? Just about each other.
Sir, I'm all finished now unless you've got some more dirt I don't know about.
That's all.
Were my shirts delivered by that laundry woman? She's a little slow, sir.
Her ox is sick.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Sirs! Um, I was just wondering.
Would you mind taking a picture of me with your camera? Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
Good morning, Radar.
Uh, good morning, Father.
I was just testing the wind direction.
Ah, it's north.
- How 'bout a date after chow? They ran out of poodle.
- What would we do? We could go to the generator shed and watch the valves go up and down.
- Captain, can I talk to you, sir? - Just a second, lad.
- There's bird-watching.
- At night? - Bat watching? - It's not important, sir.
- Meet me in the Swamp, Radar.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Why don't we just go to your tent? - Uh-uh.
What's the matter? You live with your folks? ## [Whistling.]
## [Whistling Stops.]
- You know how to knock, soldier? - Sure, sir.
[Knocking.]
Just traipsing in.
Suppose I'd been engaged in some top-secret, hush-hush, confidential activity, huh? I peeked first to see if Major Houlihan was here, sir.
You little fink! - Who's a little fink? - I am, sir.
You may think it's all right to give enlisted men free run of our quarters.
- I disapprove.
- I told him to meet me.
Well, who do you think you are? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, surgeon, U.
S.
Army involuntary.
- Your hand is filthy.
- I was leaning against a dusty nurse.
For a change.
- Where you goin', Frank? - That's for me to know and you to find out.
Witty dog.
- I'm probably responsible for his leaving.
- Come in more often.
What's up, Radar? It's Colonel Potter.
Gee, I just can't get relaxed around him.
It's like staying with your aunt instead of your mother.
You gotta say "please.
" You can't dunk your zwieback in your Bosco.
You're not used to him yet, Radar.
Give him time.
Oh, no, no, no! I spent 15 summers with my aunt.
Always came home with "hyperaciditity.
" Old Henry Blake was like his father.
Oh, yeah.
Taught me everything about life and everything.
Even women.
- I know.
- I can't wait to get home and try it out.
Give Potter a chance, Radar.
He's okay.
No, no, it's not the same! It's my aunt all over again.
- Chopper.
- [Man Over P.
A.
System.]
Incoming chopper.
[P.
A.
.]
No wounded.
Repeat.
No wounded.
Just mail for a few luckies.
- Here you go, Corporal.
- Thank you, sir.
I wanna check the tail rotor cables, and then y'all got a sharpshooter around here? We've got four rifles in this outfit.
And one of them's a reading lamp.
We got a wounded horse up north.
Left there by the Chinese.
I wanna put the critter out of its misery.
Hey, wait a minute! You just gonna shoot it? - I think he's pretty badly hurt.
- Well, you can't do that.
- The animal's probably suffering.
- That doesn't mean you have to kill it.
It's got rights.
- What else can I do? - These sirs are doctors, sir.
Maybe they can save it.
Come on.
I'll go with ya.
Would youse, huh? Please? Pretty please? - You get the feeling we're in a Lassie movie? - Please? - All right, okay.
Will you help us? - Sure.
[Potter's Voice.]
"Sorry I had to leave you for a minute, Mildred dear.
"I walked over from my office to the mess tent for a cup of joe.
"Can't say much for the coffee here.
But if I run out of ink, I'm covered.
Ha, ha.
" - Colonel? - Padre.
Little coffee break? Yes, sir.
I've been hearing confessions all morning.
It gets me right in through here.
- Enjoyed the sermon Sunday.
- Oh, yes.
"Do Unto Thy Brother.
" You know, you can't miss if you've got good material.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to run.
- More confessions? - Dysentery.
Ah, well, this too shall pass.
[Potter's Voice.]
"Excuse me, Mildred.
That was Father Mulcahy.
"You'd like him.
Very dedicated, fine young priest.
"Every once in a while, he'll surprise the puttees off ya.
The other night, we were watching a movie.
" [Gunshots, Whooping.]
- Three-to-one.
I'll take the Indians.
- That's a bet.
Five bucks.
- What's the name of this picture? - Custer's Last Stand.
- You're ruinin' my picture! - [Gunshots Continue.]
- [Everyone Groaning.]
- [Klinger.]
Lights.
! - Can you fix it, Corporal? - I think so, sir.
- Don't you have another picture? - Just one.
A training film.
Fungus of the Feet.
- Starring Fred Astaire.
- How long will it take, Corporal? - A few minutes, sir.
- [Everyone Groaning.]
Patience is its own reward, folks.
Perhaps, with your permission, Lieutenant O'Connor and I can give you a little preview of a number we've been rehearsing for the orphans' show.
- Hear, hear! - Lieutenant.
Come, my child.
## [Hums, Whispering.]
#When you're all dressed up and no place to go # # Life seems weary dreary and slow # #My heart has ached and bled # #For the tears I've shed # #When I've no place to go unless I went back to bed # # I've had a sad, sad life and whenever I go # # To that peaceful spot # #Where the violets grow # # Upon a nice white stone # #Will be written below # # He was all dressed up and no place to go ## [Applause.]
Can you see him, Dan? He's about a mile west of your position.
You're gonna have to get off the road.
- Dan, any unfriendlies around? - Good question.
Negative.
- This is crazy! - As opposed to just being in Korea? Turn right at that tree, and you'll see him about 2:00.
- [Radar.]
Wait! - Perfect, Dan.
Good spotting! We're fine from here.
This is good.
Stop.
Not too close.
You know anything about horses? - I stepped in manure once.
- You're in charge.
[Nickering.]
[Whinnying.]
Oh! Ooh! Look at him! Wow, he's beautiful! - I just hope it's not two Chinese in a horse suit.
- Let's get him and get out.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we should talk to him first.
Radar, if he's got anything to say, he'll tell you in the truck.
[Radar.]
Easy.
Easy.
Don't scare him.
He might hurt himself.
- Did you ever lasso anything? - My little sister.
Owed me a nickel.
Hawkeye, get over there and draw his attention away from me.
You got it, Tex.
Careful.
Don't hurt him.
[Whinnying.]
Throw it.
He's giving me the eye.
Gimme that rope.
- It's still my turn.
- Come on.
Come on.
What you gotta do is make him think you're just headin' for the bunkhouse for a cup of coffee.
[Whinnies.]
He knows you're not goin' to the bunkhouse.
Would you sirs mind just holding still for just a minute? Okay? Easy, boy.
Easy, boy.
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
Attaboy.
Look what I got here.
- My name is Radar.
Radar O'Reilly.
- [Nickering.]
Yeah, you're a nice horse, aren't ya? Would you like to take a ride in a nice big truck? I'll sit right beside you all the way.
Here.
Come on.
Attaboy.
Come on.
If I could only do that with nurses.
[Potter's Voice.]
"Just got back from Rosie's Bar, dear.
"A civilian joint across the road.
Picked up a few beers.
"Ran into Majors Burns and Houlihan.
"She's the head nurse.
He's the head twerp.
"He's married, but I think something's going on between 'em.
"Course, it's none of my business.
"Sometimes he has lip rouge around his mouth and his lips are all swollen.
"But like I say, that's none of my affair.
"Seen her a few times with whisker burns on her cheeks.
"But that's of no interest to me.
"He did come into O.
R.
The other morning with teeth marks on his neck.
"Doesn't prove anything, though.
He could've been roughhousing with the camp dog.
"But you know how I am, Mildred.
What folks do on their off-duty hours is no business of mine.
" Ahh.
! Anniversary.
I understand.
Many happy returns.
I have just what the major needs.
William Holden.
No.
No, no.
It isn't his anniversary.
It's the colonel's.
And we want to get him something special.
Oh.
Yeah.
One doorstop, two dollars.
Two bookends, a special, four dollars.
- If you'll just shut up, we'll tell you what we want.
- Okay, Joe.
One of our sergeants said you do wood carving.
Oh! Sergeant Kowalski.
I made a naked lady radiator cap for his father's Chrysler.
Now we're getting somewhere.
You do carve.
I show you.
Used to be round.
- Looks like a two-by-four.
- Thank you.
Look at these.
That's Colonel Potter.
Front view.
- Side view.
- Two views.
- Check.
- No checks.
Strictly cash.
[Laughs.]
No.
The major will pay in cash.
We would like a bust carved of Colonel Potter.
- I thought you were gonna pay half.
- All right! Can you carve a bust? - Wood or stone? - Wood.
Hmm.
Lotsa work.
Two assistants.
Electric light at night.
Overtime.
Hmm.
Six bucks.
- Well - Frank.
These people have no "espect-ray" unless you "aggle-hay" over the "ice-pray.
" - Five dollars.
- Seven-fifty.
Sold.
"Umb-day"! You just take it easy, pal.
This isn't gonna hurt, not a bit.
These guys are terrific doctors.
Don't build him up too much, Radar.
This is my first horse-ectomy.
- Didn't you guys' own pets ever get sick? - Only pet I had was a stuffed owl.
- A very true and loyal bird.
- Give 'em a little cotton, and they're yours for life.
- [Whinnies.]
- Don't you listen.
They're just kidding.
- Ready, Doctor? - As ready as I'll ever be.
- [Whinnies.]
- Easy! Nice, nice fellow.
Good.
Good.
Easy, pal.
They're just gonna swab your behind in the back.
That's all.
How bad is it? - [Whinnies.]
- From point of entry, it looks like one piece of shrapnel.
He'll be fine.
You can bet him to win, place and live.
- Got anything to calm him down? - I'm trying to give him a sedative.
You got anything to calm me down? Will you hold on to him? - I am holding him! - [Whinnies.]
- Radar.
- Easy, boy, easy, easy.
- Watch it, watch it, watch it! - Radar! [Whinnies.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're in business for yourself, Radar! - Did he kick you? - No.
He just missed the lavalier.
- He's all calmed down now.
- Forget it.
He's crazy.
- He's crazy.
- What? He's only human.
Anyway, the sedative worked.
His eyes are all glazed over.
- That's not the end we're worried about.
- But he needs you! - No.
Radar - Oh, please? - No, no.
- Come on.
He needs you.
Please? [Man Over P.
A.
System.]
Attention.
A bulletin from the truce talks at Panmunjom.
After six weeks of negotiation, the U.
N.
And North Korea have agreed that flagpoles in the peace compound are to be 32 feet, 61/4 inches high.
World leaders hail this agreement as an important step toward lasting peace.
Radar, the longer you keep him, the more attached you're gonna get.
- Maybe some farmer down in the village can take him.
- Are you kidding? Have him pull some heavy wagon full of rocks and junk? I'm keeping him.
- [B.
J.
.]
I don't think you can.
- Colonel Blake let me keep pets.
He let me keep Black Beauty.
- Black Beauty was a hamster.
- Potter's not Blake.
- He'll never even know.
- The man's ex-cavalry.
If he spots four flies having a meeting, he knows they're talking about a horse.
I'm not giving him up.
Look at his eyes.
He loves me.
You don't even know his name, background, family.
There's a difference in your ages.
[Airplanes Roaring.]
Spit on the tips, Frank.
Where is that wood carver? He promised to deliver the bust this morning.
I told you not to pay in advance.
I told you to pay half when we ordered it, and half on delivery.
I didn't know.
My wife usually handles these dumb things.
Frank, you mention that person's name in this tent once more and you'll never spit on my boots again.
Sorry, Margaret.
- [Knocking At Door.]
- Cho Man Chin.
- Hello, lady and man.
- It's about time! - You like rope around box? - Yes, yes, it's fine.
Gift wrapped.
I did a first-class job.
- How do I look? - You have a little dandruff.
- That's none of your business.
- I'm also a hairdresser.
You don't have any dandruff, Margaret.
You got rid of most of it.
- Where are you going? - I hate to miss the big moment.
- You've been paid.
Push off! - Please.
An artist's life has so few rewards.
Frank, I go on duty in ten minutes.
- What's in the box, Frank? - None of your beeswax.
A present for the colonel's anniversary.
We should've gotten him something.
Watches.
Ballpoint pens.
Look at this.
Very valuable.
Hitler's pencil box.
[Potter's Voice.]
"And so, Mildred dear, I come to the end of this long letter.
"Sorry we can't be together on our anniversary "but my heart is always with you.
Your ever loving Sherm.
" - [Knocking At Door.]
- Come in.
[Together.]
Happy anniversary, Colonel! - Well! This is indeed a surprise! - B.
J.
And I didn't know, Colonel.
- Yeah.
We'd have gotten you something.
- World Series ring? - You really shouldn't have done this.
- Oh, it's nothing.
This is from me and Major Burns.
They had nothing to do with it.
- Can't figure what this is.
- May I, sir? The moment of truth.
- Remember the day we took your picture, sir? Well - Voila! - Hey, I like that.
! - Hey, that's nice! It doesn't look like the colonel.
- It looks like you.
- It gives the colonel a little class.
Well, I'm overwhelmed.
I think it's a dandy likeness.
- [Knocking At Door.]
- Come.
Ah, sir? I have a present for your anniversary.
This is turning into a real party! - Can I bring it in, sir? - Please.
Wish Mother were here to enjoy all this.
Oh my! It's a horse, sir.
Here's the keys.
A beautiful horse.
I don't know what to say, Radar.
I want my money back.
In American, and not that stuff I paid you.
Shh.
He can't be more than four years old.
- Pretty nice, Radar.
- At least I'll get to take care of him.
- This calls for a drink.
- At least.
- [Radar.]
Sorry about that, sir.
- That's disgusting! Son, to me, that's a tiptoe through the tulips.
Good boy.
[Man Over P.
A.
System.]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Both shifts to O.
R.
On the double.
Incoming wounded.
Let's get 'em, boys and girls! Let's get 'em!