My Family (2000) s04e07 Episode Script

All right, Dad? - Look.
- Nick, that's so Ohh You shouldn't have.
That's really - It's well-wrapped, innit? - Yes.
Yes, it's well-wrapped, yes.
You didn't have to buy me a good luck present.
I didn't.
It's the salt, Nick.
It's the salt.
What's this, English For The Stupid? Nick's wrapped the salt cellar.
I'm trying to be a wrapping artist.
Like the great Christo.
He wraps up huge monuments for art, to elicit emotional response.
- Like irritation? - Good, good.
Go with that, go with that.
How about wrapping up the rubbish? Then put it in the dustbin.
That's a switch from artistic to merely functional.
- You'd never want to be functional.
- Exactly! You're on my wavelength.
That explains the static.
Got to go! Still wearing that, are you, Ben? Apparently I am.
No, it's just that if this were my first day of jury duty, I would have dressed up for the occasion.
You'd be wearing a long gown, a curly wig and a black cap.
You know, I'd love to be on jury duty.
Put something back into society, show how much I care.
You might get a nice juicy murder.
Oh, very caring.
No, it'll be so exciting.
Exhibit A, exhibit B, "Silence in court!" "Let's re-examine the evidence before us, m'lud.
" Exhibit C Susan, you do realise I'll be forbidden from discussing the case with you? OK? Or, for that matter anything else ever again.
Of course, we can still have sex.
Don't kid yourself.
(Hums tunelessly) Oh, why does he have to be so in bed? Mum, I, er We, um Did I mention I had the afternoon off? Oh, no, that's perfectly fine.
I'm cool with this.
I'm OK, you're OK, I mean You're 16, going on 17 I'm cool, I'm cool.
If cows sleep standing up and sit down when it rains, what do they do if it rains while they're sleeping? I know, it's a real brain-teaser.
Did did you know Michael had the afternoon off? - Are you OK? - Yes, I'm absolutely fine.
- Shouldn't I run you to the doctor's? - No, Abi.
Abi, it's nothing.
Really.
Technically, it's known as, ahem, blindness.
Oh.
What kind of blindness? (Coughs) Blindness.
- Coughing blindness? - Oh, for Psychologists call it hysterical blindness, but they're wrong.
I see it more as stress-related myopia.
What was the stress? I went into Michael's room and It was a total mess.
Well, at least you didn't see the girl he had up there! I don't want to talk about it.
Anyway, it's just temporary, a little stress thing.
It's happened to me once before.
- Really? - Yes.
- During my first driving test.
- Did you pass? Yes, and I took it ten more times because I liked passing.
Of course I failed! I was temporarily blind.
OK.
How many fingers am I holding up? - Abi, I can't see.
- I'll give you a clue.
It's between one and three.
- Oh, for God's sake - Don't feel so bad.
It was two.
- Maybe I should ring Ben to tell him.
- No, no, Abi.
No, you mustn't.
If he hears my response to seeing Michael in bed with a girl was to get hysterical blindness, then he'll think I responded hysterically.
- Oh.
Didn't you, then? - Of course not.
This isn't me, it's just my body letting me down.
I don't want him thinking I'm uptight just because my eyes are prudish.
Your eyes aren't prudish.
They're more periwinkle blue.
Look, look, just let me sit here quietly until my sight comes back Oh, crap! Yes, it's my kind of trial.
Clear-cut, short and sweet, over in time to get to the pub.
British justice, wonderful thing.
I shall be just outside the door, if you want anything.
Cappuccino, easy on the froth.
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Don't patronise me.
OK, I won't.
- I want to sit there.
- I want you to sit here, so much, but even more, I don't want to patronise you.
- Can we get on, please? - Yes, can we get on? I doubt it, you're not my type.
- OK.
- Thank you so much.
Right, let's get this show on the road and out of here.
The correct procedure Edwin Taylor vandalised his ex-boss's office by placing a decomposing haddock in the heating duct.
Guilty as hell.
Show of hands.
The correct procedure is to elect a foreman from amongst us, which we will proceed to do after we have proceeded to introduce ourselves.
Why bother? We're never going to meet again.
So, let's go around the table, starting with me.
- My name's Joanna Elton-Johns.
- Elton-Johns! - It's my name.
- Elton John! Yes, uh It's your name.
- And what's yours? - My name's Ben.
Ben Judy-Garlands.
Step, step, step, step.
For God's sakes, Nick, stop moving the furniture.
- It's not furniture, it's art.
- It's cack! The problem with you, Mum, is you've got no vision.
Sorry.
Stop getting in the way.
I'm memorising the layout of the house, so when your father gets home he won't notice and mock me.
Hey, don't worry, just give him a beer and make sure the TV's on, he won't notice a thing.
How do you think I got his watch? Bye, Mrs Harper, I'm going now.
Goodbye, dear.
I'm sorry you have to go so soon.
I wish we'd met under different circumstances.
Of course, I don't mind those circumstances.
Why don't you stay and have a cup of tea before you go? - Trying to make me feel guilty? - Of course not.
Then why are you pretending you've gone insane? She's not pretending.
I am simply being nice to your little friend.
- She's gone.
- I knew that.
Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable.
Your messy room! She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.
Yes, I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.
Oh, right, so cool when you've gone blind? You're so selfish! Mick, do not feel bad that you've made Mum go blind, all right? The important thing is you scored! Fantastic! Well done! And this is the eldest son.
He's got a lovely head of hair.
Just like my Kenny's, before the burglary.
Can we move this along, please? No, no, let's hear what she has to say.
That was it.
Very good.
Juror number 11, please.
My name is Martin Douglas, and I'm a psychology student.
(Ben) Well done, mate! Quick work.
Things are looking up.
Juror number 12, please.
Juror number 12! My name is Brian, and I'm an alcoholic.
So A meeting So, now the introductions are over As well as the whole day.
we can proceed to vote for our foreman.
Really? Shall we take a vote now, or shall we vote on when we should vote? There again, I vote we go to the pub.
Coming, anyone? Not you, Brian.
I've hung rosemary on the coat stand.
The smell of jasmine means you're at the steps.
Great! Two, three Lavender candles on the sideboard.
Right.
Sideboard, lavender.
The kitchen takes care of itself.
I've run out of candles, so I put potpourri in the fireplace.
Mm-hm.
And tucked into the sofa, a pair of Nick's socks.
Oh, perfect! You're wonderful.
You never let anything get you down.
Thank you, dear.
I can't wait to see what you do when you're dead.
Oh, what a day! Off you go, Abi.
It's show time.
Hello, Ben.
- Have you got a cold? - No.
Why? Shame.
I thought you might give it to me and I wouldn't have to make that jury tomorrow.
Ow! - How was the case? - I've told you, the judge told us not to discuss the case.
No one will ever know.
Oh, yes, like no one would ever know about my foot fungus.
Yes! - You can't keep a secret, Susan.
- You'd be surprised.
Anyway, there's not much to tell, really.
Deliberations haven't even started yet.
There's this harridan of a juror, called Joanna Elton-Johns! Ha-ha! Would you like some cheese straws? Ow! Ah-ha-ha! Elton-Johns! Ah-ha-ha! That's what I thought.
God, dear She turns everything into a battle.
God! "Don't sit there.
Don't patronise me.
" God help us.
I think she must have been a pack leader with the bloody Hitler Brownies.
Anyway, we've not even elected a foreman yet.
Hardly surprising, we have to vote every time someone wants to go to the toilet.
Are you drunk? I'm blind, you idiot! - What, like when the? - Yes, yes, like the driving test.
Ohh Did you drop all the cheese straws? Bloody Nick! (Susan) Stop carping.
He's just found something he likes doing.
Susan What are we meant to do? Use the other loo, like I did.
The second time.
This can't go on.
I've got a wife who's hysterically blind, a son who's hysterically stupid I'm not hysterically blind.
I might have been, but now my sight has come back.
Oh, really? So, what time is it? Guess again.
- Ish.
- Susan, what set this problem off today? - Come on.
- Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I caught Michael in bed with a girl.
That's fan Really? - Yes, yes, really.
- Yes! Yes! - He's 16! - It's fun, it's legal.
Legal! One day in a jury room and you talk like Rumpole of the bloody Bailey.
Susan, I had plenty of experience when I was 16.
With someone other than yourself? Stop it, Ben.
- What? - I felt the air move.
Susan, how long is this neurotic fear response going to last, hm? The driving test incident took days because you were scared and wouldn't admit it.
I wasn't scared.
The examiner was the one screaming.
Hey Hey, do you remember how we how we cured it last time? No.
What, you felt my brainwaves move? No, the bedclothes.
I'm not in the mood, Ben.
Ben? Who's Ben? (Mimics) I'm George Clooney.
- Oh, well, in that case - Left! Left, left The most important part of the jury process is keeping an open mind.
Sorry.
Sorry, I am a bit late.
- Ten minutes.
What kept you? - If you have to know, which you don't, I was taking my wife, my blind wife, to work.
Yeah.
She's a tour guide.
Luckily, today is a mystery tour.
- Sorry, that is an unconvincing excuse.
- Sorry, it's the best you're going to get.
I'm not on trial.
I'm on the jury.
- Sit down and be quiet.
- Would you stop doing that? Stop bossing me.
It's not as if you've been elected as foreman of the jury, is it? We haven't even elected the foreman of How could you? She was the best candidate.
- How do you know? - She told us.
- I'm the obvious choice.
- Really? - It's not obvious to me.
- I've already served on seven juries.
I'm a governor on two school boards, and a volunteer with the Citizen's Advice Bureau, the Samaritans, and the West London Syringe Exchange.
I'm a passionate believer in freedom of expression and a fierce advocate of democracy.
I'll ensure we reach the correct verdict.
- Outrageous! - Will you let us proceed? No, I will not! I'm an experienced medical professional, former Boy Scout and member of the Tufty Club.
I have a wide knowledge of John Grisham novels and repeat viewings of LA Law and Kavanagh QC.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think you will agree I should - Sit down.
- Thank you.
Now, has everyone reached a verdict? Yes.
Guilty as hell.
What? Edwin Taylor's a freedom fighter.
Edwin Taylor is a smelly git who was sacked for refusing to wash.
He's a hero of our time.
He didn't want to pollute the water table with detergents.
Here is a man with strong beliefs.
And BO to match! He smells like a wet collie smothered in cowpats.
Did you see his barrister? He stuffed the ends of his wig up his nose.
Edwin Taylor should not have been in the dock.
It was justifiable sabotage.
He put a rotting haddock in the heating system.
- Because he was wrongfully dismissed.
- Because he refused to wash.
- He was protecting the environment! - Don't his workmates have rights? Don't they have rights to be protected from sitting next to Mr Stinky-Poo Pong from Smellbag City? So, you don't believe in freedom of expression? Yes, I do! I also believe in your right to remain silent, so use it! It brings to mind the nullity of human existence.
It moves me.
I think it's your best work yet.
Actually, it's my lunch.
Plagiarist! Good morning.
Oh, my God - What? - Nothing.
It's just I'm late.
The act's not working, Mum.
The only one you're hurting is yourself.
Now, where's my handbag? I've got a tour to do with a group of Mounties.
You can't let a Mountie down.
You can scare 'em, though.
Susan.
I'm not sure you can lead a tour group in your condition.
Abi, you don't have to talk slowly, I'm blind, not foreign.
- Right.
That means you can be cured.
- Yeah, we can help you, Mum.
No, please.
Not together.
Can you see this? - No.
- No? Can you see this? - No.
- It's no good, Mum.
I've done all I can.
(Screams) - What was that for? - It's supposed to give you a shock.
That's hiccups, Abi! Oh, yeah - Stand aside.
Leave it to a professional.
- Oh, God, no Come on, Mum, this is going to work.
Sit down.
I'm going to try hypnotism.
Or should I say Nickotism.
Oooh Prrr-rrr Your eyelids are getting very heavy.
Rrrr-rrr Nick, you're a complete idiot.
Oh! She can see! No, I can't.
This is pointless.
One, two, three Mum.
I know what we haven't tried.
Laser surgery! I'll get the handcuffs.
Look, just, all of you! Just leave me alone, I can take care of myself.
So, where is this tour? Narnia? And against? OK, we're hung again.
Look, look I'll give you L5, please, if you change your vote.
I heard that, Mr Harper, and that is jury tampering.
I'm going to have you reported! Reported! We're voting on what to have for lunch! It doesn't matter what it's about, it's a matter of principle! It's a matter of Chinese or Indian! Is that all that matters to you? "And wretches hang that jurymen may dine.
" And drink! Who's coming to the pub? Now look what you've done.
Just get away from me! It's the last time I ask you to help me ever again! - Two, three.
- I thought I was a good guide dog.
No, you're the worst guide dog I ever had! Even Abi would have been better.
- Thanks, Susan.
- Oh.
Hello, Abi.
Abi, warning.
She's feeling a bit sorry for herself.
The tour was a disaster.
We were supposed to go to the British Museum.
Marks & Spencer's is very similar.
Even Canadians know the difference between the Rosetta Stone and a three-pack of knickers! Then instead of the Tower of London, we went to Tower Records.
- Tower, Tower.
- It's an easy mistake to make.
Exactly.
Any golden Labrador would have done the same.
If that weren't enough, when we picnicked in Hyde Park, he chased a squirrel up a tree.
Squirrel had it coming! But apart from that, did you have a good time? No, I didn't! I'm sick of bumping into furniture and spilling tea and putting eye shadow on my lips.
You get used to it after a bit.
Hi, Michael.
- Michael, sit down.
- OK.
- Abi, could you give us a minute? - Sure.
- I meant alone.
- Oh, right.
I need to talk to you, face to face.
Then you'll have to move over a bit.
Please, don't change the subject.
I feel that if I'm going to get rid of my my - Hysterical blindness.
optical hiccup, I need you to do something for me.
Well, if you want me to relive the scenario, just say so.
I'll ring Fiona.
Not that.
I want you to apologise.
- Apologise for what? - It's your fault, whether you agree or not.
You want me to feel guilty because you reacted hysterically to something I don't feel bad about at all? In fact, I'm proud of it.
Proud of making your own mother go blind? After all I've done for you? One day you'll be a parent and you'll realise how difficult it is to to I'm talking to an empty room, aren't I? Yes.
- Phew, yeah - That was good.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was good.
- So you can see now, then? - It wasn't that good.
It was, it was.
Oh, yeah Your heightened senses were on red alert tonight, baby.
Blindness does give you a heightened sensitivity.
And a certain depth.
Helen Keller, Ray Charles Blind Pew.
And then, of course, there was Oedipus.
He really only saw the truth after he went blind.
Funny you should mention Oedipus.
I wonder what Mikey would think of that.
Oedipus.
Let us examine the evidence.
Yes, mother, son, sex - I didn't mean that Oedipus.
- Have you talked to Michael yet? I've tried, but it's no good.
Oh, God, I need something to take my mind off this.
- Not again - Read to me.
- Come on, please.
- Oh, Susan, please! What, now? "'The sea hasn't changed me, nor shall it ever,' shouted Luke across the kelp.
"'No, you're wrong,' she replied.
'You're cold and more bitter.
"' - That's no good.
- I know, it's rubbish.
- Not the book, you! Do the voices.
- What? How can I tell who's talking unless you do them? (High voice) "'No, you're wrong,' she replied.
"'You're cold and more bitter.
"' Don't do the voices.
Oh, God Critics! Hi, Mikey.
- Mikey, Mikey, Mikey - So, the organ-grinder's sent the monkey.
Yeah, well, you got the organ-grinder bit right.
Listen, Mikey, your mother doesn't know I'm here.
Have you come here to lecture me? No.
Me? Course not, no.
What you did was perfectly natural.
I mean, I assume it was.
I mean, I don't know what you did, but, I mean I'm not asking what you did.
I can imagine.
I don't want to imagine Dad, I'd rather you lecture me.
Yes.
Erm About your mother, OK? I've told Mum I'm not going to apologise.
I don't want you to apologise.
I want you to lie.
What? If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to lie about it, OK? Look, just tell your mother it didn't happen.
You want me to pretend nothing really happened, even though I'm proud of it? Yeah.
You're asking me to give up my manhood.
That's what being a man is all about.
You're not making any sense.
That's what being a man is all about, too.
- She'll know I'm lying.
- Yes, but it's a lie she can live with.
Yeah, yeah That's my boy.
Sorry, man.
OK? Didn't happen anyway.
What? Mikey, you don't have to lie to me.
I'm not lying.
Have you ever had sex with a girl after your mum's brought in a pile of laundry? Ah.
So, you're still a virgin? Virgin's such an ugly word.
Yeah.
You know what this means, Mikey, don't you? You know what this means? We're going to have to go through this all again.
Some other time! That's great, Mikey.
Fabulous! Thanks a bu Nick! - You asked for Exhibit A.
- I did not ask for Exhibit A.
No, Joanna.
I did.
You may go.
I know.
I don't know what you're up to, Mr Harper, but it won't work.
Won't it? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit A.
- What's this? - The offending haddock.
(All) Phew - Oh, yes.
Put that away! It stinks.
I am merely trying to demonstrate what it's like to work in a smelly environment.
Yes, Edwin Taylor knew exactly what he was doing when he took his cold and brutal revenge upon his innocent victims.
Will you stop this right now! Nothing you can do will change my mind.
Ha! So you admit it.
You came into this room with a closed mind.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit B.
Closed mind! Ah, yes, swimming against the tide of a thousand years of British law.
Nay, nay, English, for Scottish law is slightly different.
- Yes, a closed mind! - (# Sings) What do you say to that, Miss Jurisprudence? Ha! Ha! Ooh! So, you see, we didn't really do much at all.
I know you're lying, but at least that means you care.
Oh, no, it's true.
I think I'll wait for my wedding night to have sex.
I can see again! Just like you waited, Mum.
Ah! I can't hear!