Never Have I Ever (2020) s04e07 Episode Script

1
Well, hello there, Crickets.
It's time once again to take a ride
in the cool-as-shit brain
of Paxton Hall-Yoshida.
And I, of course,
am your driver, Gigi Hadid.
After Paxton had reminded these twerps
that he was still king of this jungle,
things have been going great.
He was invited to every rager,
kegger, and kickback.
And honestly,
he had all but forgotten about ASU.
Yo, you down to scrunch some lunch later?
You know it. Scrunch Bunch.
He was basically getting to live
his same high school life,
but with a nicer bathroom.
And all he had to do was
coach a little swimming and show up
to a few mandatory staff meetings,
like this one.
So I'm looking for a few more volunteers
to take calls on the teen help hotline.
So far, it's just me and Lyle.
Some days, it feels like the students
help me more than I help them.
That has overwhelmingly been the case.
Another reason why I'm looking
for anyone else to help out. Please.
Awesome. Okay.
Thank you.
And my apologies, Miss Thompson.
Okay, a few more announcements.
The bird's nest in the cafeteria
apparently belongs
to the rare horned grebe,
and the state of California
forbids us from relocating it.
There were occasional reminders
that Paxton's current life
wasn't exactly what he'd planned
for himself,
but he was good at stuffing those feelings
of regret deep down inside
until they were nothing more
than a little indigestion.
And finally, a reminder
that our Cuisines of The World
faculty potluck is coming up.
Now, let's see what country's food
we'll be sampling now.
Ah. Luxembourg. Oh!
What the hell do they eat there?
- Dibs on bringing the bouneschlupp.
- It's all yours.
Meeting adjourned,
and, uh, you guys get out there
and have whatever kind of day
you can scrape together.
Oh! Pax ton,
uh, can I interest you
in going in on a dish together?
I find collaboration is the the key
to cultural understanding.
Also, the pot is very heavy.
Sorry, Mr. Shapiro, not gonna make it.
But maybe next time?
Mmm, don't get your hopes up, Lyle.
You know, there's this crazy coincidence
where his schedule conflicts
with every faculty social event.
What can I say? I'm a busy guy.
Yeah, he was a busy guy.
Busy ruling this friggin' school.
Not to jinx it, but we might be
looking at the first faculty member
to be voted prom king.
Don't you feel heavy ♪
Don't you feel heavy tonight ♪
Will I ever come down
Ever come down again ♪
All right, listen up.
Welcome to this year's swim team tryouts.
The rules are simple.
Fastest times make the team.
Doesn't matter how pretty you are,
so some of you can stop flexing.
Oh yeah, this is where it happens.
Let's do this.
Eric. You're back.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
No cap. Loving my chances this year.
Eric Perkins had tried out
for the swim team every year.
And each year,
he'd failed to make the cut.
But at least he took the rejection well.
Why, God?!
Cool, man. Good luck.
All right, they're ready when you are.
Pax, why don't you run this?
All right.
First heat, you're up. On my whistle.
Get set.
What up, boys? Back up, back up.
Yes!
Come on, man.
- Ugh!
- Yes! I knew it!
Oh boy, here we go. Earplugs in.
Or not?
Hey, man, sorry it didn't work out.
Come on, Pax, hit him
with some of that effortless charm.
The kid's hurting.
I think it's cool that you kept trying,
but maybe there's like a rec league
at a local municipal pool?
I don't wanna swim
with some run-of-the-mill dillholes.
I wanna swim as a Cricket.
Maybe you could ask Coach for a redo.
Eric, come on, man.
You try out every year,
and every year, the same thing happens.
I mean, to even get close,
you'd need, like, some serious training.
You wanna train me? Oh my God, yes.
- What?
- Wow.
Maybe you're the angel
my grandma said she'd send me.
Look, I'm sorry,
I I didn't mean I would train you.
But I'll do anything.
Do you Do you want my duct-tape wallet?
My Dave & Buster's points?
How about one night
with my girlfriend Rosalia?
She's brought it up independently,
so I think she'd be down for it.
Oh! I don't wanna sleep
with your girlfriend, dude.
That's really not something
you should be offering people.
Please, Paxton.
This is my greatest dream,
and I know I can do it with some help.
I just
I don't want everyone
to think of me as a failure.
And here was the one way
Paxton and Eric were the same.
Yeah.
Maybe I could meet up with you
a couple times after school?
Couple ti Yes! Yes!
Thank you, Paxton.
Perkins, you are back in the game.
See you later, bro!
Shit.
I think if you can keep pace
in your first splits,
you can smoke 'em in that last 50.
Hi. I have fresh towels.
Devi, you can't be
in the boys' locker room.
Okay, fine, fine. I'm leaving.
I wanted to let you know I got the towels
back to white, the goggles back to clear.
I do need to fix the door handle
on the equipment closet, but I got it.
You know you don't have to do
all that, right?
Our last manager just smoked weed
and cut up orange slices for us.
Yeah, but I kind of sent the Princeton rep
Coach Noble's number,
so just in case she calls him,
he has a bunch of good things to say.
I thought you were doing this job
to hang out with me.
You know very well
that is not why I'm doing this job,
although it is a nice perk.
But I just really need
to get into Princeton.
I know I belong there,
just like how you realized
you belong back at your old high school.
Ow. Why did that sting?
I thought we liked it here.
We're killing it, remember?
I mean, I wouldn't say I belong here.
Oh my God. Agh! No girls allowed.
Dude, you are fully clothed.
Yeah well, emotionally I'm hanging D.
Oh my God, it's fine. No one here's even
Oh my God, there's a penis. Okay, bye.
Well, now that we're bro-lone,
we're still gonna Oculus later?
I say we get high,
order some soup dumplings,
and then transport ourselves
into the loins of the Matrix.
Yeah, I'm game.
Pax. You have an Oculus?
Yo, can we come through?
- Sure. You guys should definitely pull up.
- Dope.
Knock-knock. Splish-splash.
Uh, why don't we say six?
I gotta take care of something first.
Excited to become
one of Paxton's little swimmers.
Hope you boys
didn't wear him out too much.
Uh, okay.
Okay, coach,
this can take as long as you need.
I already cleared my schedule
and told my mom you'd drive me home.
How about I give you a couple tips,
and then you can take the bus?
A couple tips?
The bus?
I thought you were gonna
rebuild me from the ground up.
Why don't we just swim, yeah?
- Oh, all right.
- Okay.
Try a lap for me, okay?
You ready?
Go.
Stop. Stop.
Noodle. I need a nood.
All right, um, what I'm noticing is,
your form is bad.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
First, your hands need to glide
through the water like this,
so you don't create more resistance.
And also, you don't need
to hold your breath
when your face is in the water.
- You can breathe under there?
- No, dude, obviously not.
When your face is in the water,
you exhale,
and when you come up, you inhale.
You're tiring yourself out
trying to do both.
Why don't we just try it again, all right?
Ready?
Go.
Oh my God, it's working.
Yeah, man, that's, uh that's great.
Well, I think that's enough
for today's sesh.
Okay, coach. I'm gonna keep practicing.
- Okay.
- Inhale.
After a deeply annoying
but actually kind of successful
training session with Eric,
Paxton was finally off-duty
and free to do what he did best,
which is chill, or whatever this is.
- Oh, he's dead.
- Agh!
- That's okay.
- Avenge me.
What's up, fools?
Who wants to get bottom-shelf blitzed?
Hey, man.
Hey, I didn't realize
you guys were coming.
Oh, my bad. I thought you'd be cool
with me telling couple people.
Wait, we can go somewhere else
if it's, like, a thing.
Nah, it's it's totally cool.
But it didn't feel cool.
It felt wrong.
So how many people did you guys invite?
Hi.
What up?
Paxton was freaking out.
His little get-together
had swelled into a huge rager.
The same thing actually happened
at this year's Victoria's Secret
chili cook off.
I go hard on the bass line ♪
I ain't gonna stop till I get mine ♪
So I'mma run it up ♪
I'mma run it up ♪
Paxton, how could you throw a party
and not tell me?
I had to hear it from the backstrokers.
The backstrokers.
- Do you know how humiliating that is?
- I didn't mean to have a party.
It kind of just appeared on my doorstep.
So, how come you don't look like
you're having any fun?
Shouldn't you be holding Trent's feet?
Yeah, get me down.
Oh, that was sick.
What the hell? Who brought a keg?
I don't know, but this is like
the biggest party of the year,
and it's being hosted by a teacher.
Yeah, I think that might be a problem.
I mean, what if someone finds out
about this?
Nah, no one's gonna tell.
You've been to tons of parties
since you've been back.
- And no one has said anything.
- Yeah, but I haven't thrown a party.
This feels different
in, like, a not great way.
Do you want me to get rid of everyone?
I know how to clear a room.
I can totally whip up
a classic Devi meltdown just like that.
Yeah.
I feel sexy.
I just feel sexy, you know what I mean?
You know what? No.
I think I probably just need to relax.
It is a pretty good party, isn't it?
Uh, nuh doy, it's fire.
Let's do a shot, bro.
- All right, yeah, why not?
- Okay. I'll be right back.
Okay.
Paxton?
Lindsay. Hey.
Um, a drunk kid called the student hotline
and asked for a ride home from this party.
Did they call you too?
Here you go, one shot of
apple juice.
- Hi, Miss Thompson.
- Hi.
Okay.
Professor Yoshida-Hall.
- I drank too much at your party.
- Oh my God.
Mr. Thompson,
does your car have a back seat?
Because I'd like to lie down.
Wait, this is your house?
You're having a party
with all these students?
Okay, it's actually a funny story.
- I got an Oculus recently
- Ahh!
- Damn.
- Oh.
Oh my God.
Um, yeah, I can't be here. I gotta go.
Lindsay, wait
Gerard, come on. Let's go.
Oh gosh. Oh my God. Okay.
Paxton showed up to school
the following Monday
anxious to smooth things over
with Miss Thompson,
and hopefully keep his job in the process.
Linds. All right, listen.
I swear I did not plan
for that to be a party, all right?
I had a couple friends over,
then people kept showing up
You know you're a grown-up, right?
If drunk people showed up to my apartment,
I'd be like, "No, thank you,"
and close the door.
It's not that simple.
No, it is that simple.
I mean, you're a staff member,
and they're students.
Look, I I'm not gonna narc on you,
but grown-up to grown-up?
What are you doing?
Get your shit together, dude.
Later that afternoon,
Miss Thompson's words
were still ringing in his ear.
What was he doing?
Why was he back at his high school?
And how did he end up training
the most annoying person on Earth?
Okay, so I was reading
Michael Phelps's biography,
and he had a bit of a head start on me.
So we're gonna have to pump up
our training sessions
to, like, three times a week
to bridge that gap.
Dude, there is literally nothing you can
physically do to be Michael Phelps.
And frankly,
I don't know why you're trying.
Not to be a dick,
but you're really not good at swimming.
Are you negging me?
Because it's working, Coach.
I'm fired up now.
I'm serious.
Like, what is making you keep going?
Why not just give up?
Why would I give up? We barely started.
Because it's going to be
a super hard, uphill climb?
You don't think I know that?
I've almost drowned several times.
There's still water somewhere in my head.
So why not stick to stuff you're good at?
Like robots and tuba.
Look, why are you setting a goal
that you're probably gonna fail at?
It's okay if I fail as long as I tried.
And maybe I don't fail,
and then I'm really proud of myself.
What kind of person
just gives up on their dream
when they haven't even tried?
Yeah, Paxton, who would do that?
You know anyone who would do that?
- You really want this?
- More than anything in the world.
Then let's make you a jock.
- Nice!
- Oh!
You good?
I'm all right.
All right, let's go.
All right, you ready?
On your mark, get set
Come on, you got this. Let's go.
How was that?
We can do better.
A lot better.
Do it again.
Okay, I'm gonna swim with you this time.
Don't try and beat me,
just try to match my pace. Got it?
- Got it.
- All right.
I mean, who was that for?
What are you talking about?
That's right, come on, let's go, let's go.
Come on, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig!
We can do better. Come on, do it again.
It's easy, all right? So like this,
and the water is coming up here.
You're going side
No. Eric, it it's over.
Uh
Come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, push.
Push.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
That's my boy! Whoo!
Did I do it, Paxy? Did I make you proud?
Yes.
Trust Whoa, okay, noodle.
Noodle!
Thank you.
That was great, man. I mean,
I can't believe I'm actually saying this,
but if you can swim like that in front of
Coach Noble, you might have a shot.
Thank you, Paxton. If I could move
my shoulders right now, I'd hug you.
- No problem, man. I'll set it up.
- Ow.
My bad.
Damn, you're a miracle worker.
I can't believe how good he's gotten.
- I lost a lot of money to Janitor Stacy.
- Wait, you bet against me?
The odds were not in your favor.
That's definitely true.
And, yeah, that weird little dude
is actually sort of good now.
Hmm.
There's still a pretty decent chance
he blows it in front of Coach Noble,
but I gotta say,
I'm feeling kind of hopeful.
Oh no. Did you move those kick boards
that were holding the door open?
Yeah, that's them in your hand.
Okay. We're stuck in here.
Uh, maybe not.
Okay, yeah. But hey, it's all right.
- We can call someone.
- Hmm.
Although my phone is out by the pool.
Do you have yours?
Mine's in my backpack
in the girls' locker room.
That's okay. We're okay.
Um, I was supposed to meet
with Coach Noble after our practice,
so when I don't show up,
he'll definitely come looking for me.
I can't believe I don't have my phone.
What if Akshara from Princeton
called me back?
I told her I'm available
any time of the day
in the last ten voicemails
that I left her.
Hey, I don't know much
about college admissions,
but I do know about getting
too many calls from thirsty girls,
and you're not coming off well.
- How dare you?
- I'm just being honest.
I don't think it would hurt you
to play it a little more cool.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay. Maybe you have a point.
Well, since we're trapped here,
and apparently experimenting
with radical honesty
can I ask what really happened at ASU?
The reason I left was because
no one there liked me.
What? How is that possible?
I don't know.
Everyone just decided
I was some huge loser,
and I was just like,
maybe I don't belong at college.
So I left.
And now every day I'm like,
"What did you do?"
So I guess being hot all your life
actually turned out to be a disadvantage.
Yeah, I guess so.
Well damn.
I mean, I've been working so hard to be
this cool, sexually-successful senior,
but maybe I'll have to glow back down
before I go to college.
Yeah, you might.
Hmm.
Wait, did you say "sexually successful"?
No, no, hold up.
Wait, wait, is it that Ethan kid?
- Yeah.
- Shut up.
Well, actually, Ben first, but he
Ben? Gross?
- What?!
- Doesn't matter.
You heard it here, she bangs.
- Damn.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, congrats.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You know, I really thought
it was gonna be you.
Why?
Because you came up to me out of nowhere
and asked me to take your virginity
as a complete stranger?
Okay, don't make me sound like I'm nuts.
You're the one that said yes.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
You know what I think about a lot?
What?
What you said to me when we broke up.
What did I say?
You told me that we couldn't be together
until I liked myself.
Damn. I said that?
That's pretty cold.
I I mean you weren't wrong.
I was kind of a maniac.
Maybe a little bit.
Hey, look at this role reversal.
I mean, I'm this cool jock,
and you're this big dork.
For the first time,
I feel like we're equals.
Equals?
No way, Devi.
You're way too good for me.
Shut up.
Coach, I can explain
Son, I know you used to be
a student here less than a year ago.
I know Devi used to be your girlfriend.
But something tells me,
if I had walked in two seconds earlier,
I'd have to fire you.
This is your one warning.
From now on, there is no room for slipups.
- Okay.
- Now go.
I I'm really sorry, Coach.
Just go.
After getting
chewed up and spit out by Coach Noble,
Paxton turned to his Nintendo Switch,
looking for an easy win.
But Mario Party was kicking his ass too.
Paxton?
Oh hey, honey. Hi.
Um, listen, dinner's gonna be ready in 20,
and it's your turn to say grace.
So Dad's tuning his guitar
in case you need musical accompaniment.
Okay.
Hey. Are you okay? You look upset.
Mom, I-I-I'm a fuckup.
Whoa, honey.
Why would you say something
like that about yourself?
I'm such a failure.
Paxton you're too young to be a failure.
You're 19. You're figuring yourself out.
Now your Uncle Gary, he's a failure.
He's 55, and he's in prison
for defrauding a children's hospital.
Well, at least he tried to do something.
Paxton, it's very overwhelming
to have your whole life in front of you
and feel like you need to do it perfectly.
But you don't.
Nobody does.
We all hit these bumps on the road,
but they don't have to define us.
We can just learn from them.
What am I supposed to learn
from dropping out of college
and working at my old high school?
Maybe
to let go of who you were
and find out who you wanna be.
One rousing chorus
of "Our God is an Awesome God"
and a full night's sleep later,
Paxton was back at school,
hopeful for a sign
of what he should do with his life.
And a sign he got.
Whoa.
Nice turn.
So? How'd I do?
Eh.
Good enough to be a JV alternate.
Yes!
That's what I'm talking about, bro.
Whoa, all right. Hey.
- I'm so proud of you, man.
- Thank you.
Dude, that was very moving.
I think a few of the guys were crying.
Yeah, it was awesome, right?
I mean, I actually changed
someone's life today.
Like, I helped them achieve
a dream of theirs. It was crazy.
You should be really proud.
You know what? I am.
Glad I didn't give up on him.
So, seems like you get to keep coaching
for the time being?
Even after yesterday?
- That was a bit of a close call, huh?
- Yeah.
So I assume
we probably can't do that again.
Not if I wanna stay employed.
Well, I actually feel like
it's kind of for the best.
Uh Don't get me wrong, it ruled.
You still know what you're doing.
But it did feel like closure.
Yeah, it did.
So I guess this is just a student-faculty
professional relationship now.
Yep. Vibes here are officially over.
'Sup guys?
Oh, David, isn't it cultural appropriation
to dress up like a piñata?
Oh yeah? Sick necklace, Tiny Soprano.
You're really pulling it off.
- Well, always a pleasure.
- Mmm.
And you're right if I had you tonight
I wouldn't call the next day ♪
There are some vibes
that are still alive and well.
What?
Oh no, there are no vibes.
That was all insults.
Sure, sure. Whatever you say.
- It's none of my professional business.
- Hmm.
I'm just another modern ani ♪
Animal ♪
This is Paxton Hall-Yoshida.
He was once
the coolest kid in this school,
but now he was ready to retire that crown
in search of something else.
Yo, Paxton. Come over later?
My cousin's hooking us up with whippets.
Yeah, man, not gonna be able to make it.
He wasn't quite sure exactly
where his path was gonna take him,
but he knew
he was at least moving forward.
And today,
that meant a quick trip to Luxembourg.
So, Pax, what are you doing here?
Oh, is the student lounge out of Funyuns?
I wouldn't know.
I was too busy making this quetschentaart.
Oh. Wow.
And hey, if you still need volunteers
for the student help hotline, I'm down.
If Paxton's doing it,
I'll do it too.
- Me too.
- I'll do it.
- Count me in.
- I'll do it.
As delicious
as this international cuisine looks,
I think I'd better be on my way.
But Paxton seems like
he's taken a step in the right direction,
and I think we've all learned a lot
about proper swimming technique.
John McEnroe,
the rest of his journey is your problem.
Gigi out.
Oh, let's just try to take one breath ♪
And oh, let's just try not to forget ♪
Oh, what's life
If you're never having fun? ♪
Oh, what's life
If you know it's not over? ♪
Oh, what's life
If you're never gonna try? ♪
Oh, what's life
When you know it's just begun? ♪
Oh, what's life ♪
Oh, what's life ♪
Oh, what's life ♪
Oh, what's life ♪
Oh, what's life ♪