Parks and Recreation s04e07 Episode Script

Oh hey, Ben.
Have you seen my complete collection of all Ooh! Here they are.
Wow! So, I've been asked to run this year's Model UN at Pawnee Central High School.
Attendance has been low.
And if I don't make it awesome, they may cancel it.
I wonder if I'm gonna make it awesome.
Or I can be South Korea, you can be Bangladesh.
You can form like a Trans-Asiatic alliance.
Yeah, I like it.
And I see the merits of it.
I just worry if we're both in Asia, - it might limit our scope.
- Mm.
I kinda want to roll up my sleeves and make geopolitical problem-solving my bitch.
Amen, brother.
Let's go back to plan "A.
" I'll be Denmark, you be Peru.
Yes! Oh, I didn't really do Model United Nations in high school, so Oh, wait.
I super-did.
I need a few more volunteers.
Andy, will you be Iceland? The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? - Don't think so.
- Okay, how about Japan? The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse.
How 'bout Germany? They've never been the bad guys.
Why don't you be Finland? - Okay.
- Okay? And I'll be the Moon.
No, you're gonna be South Africa or - Pakistan.
- I'm the Moon, or I quit.
- April.
- Moon or quit, man.
Fine.
You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon.
The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.
Ron! You wanna join us? Look! I'll let you be America.
And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.
Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails.
They're too strong for clippers.
Excuse me.
Are you Leslie Knope? Oh, what am I talking about? - Of course you are.
- Bonjour, Madame Ambassadeur.
Thank you so much for coming and trying to help save our club.
We're so excited to see a true Pawnee Model U.
N.
legend in action.
- Thank you.
- I really wouldn't describe myself as a Model U.
N.
legend.
I'd go with icon.
Or hero.
Look, if you ask me, Enron is down but not out.
Who doesn't like a comeback story? All right, you wanna hear my plan, get at me later.
I gotta meet up with an old friend.
All right, peace, man.
Let's go do this lunch thing.
I just have one more quick interview.
I'm still trying to find your replacement.
That is, unless you want your old job back.
I told you before, Ronseph, I moved on to bigger things.
E720 going under was a blessing.
I'm tearing it up all over town like a boss.
Sounds great, Tommy.
I've offered Tom his job back several times, and each time he's told me he's just too busy being an entrepreneur.
Then two days ago, I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's.
The young man has a lot of pride.
This isn't gonna be easy.
Ann Perkins.
- Hey, Chris, how's it going? - Not good.
- Can I talk to you? - Okay.
I'm not sure if you're aware, but I am romantically involved with Jerry Gergich's surprisingly hot daughter - Millicent Gergich.
- Yeah.
You were grinding with her pretty hard at April's Halloween party.
That's correct.
Anyway, we've been on four dates, but now Millicent Gergich hasn't returned my last two phone calls.
I think the relationship may be in trouble, and I don't know why.
Wow.
A four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.
The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann.
I am going to launch a full-scale investigation.
And I sincerely thank you for that suggestion.
Glad I could help in these trying times.
Sarcasm again! You're a delight.
You've all been preparing for months for this year's geopolitical scenario global food crisis.
Security Council, we need you to lead us, or billions of people will starve to death.
But most importantly, have fun.
Due to my campaign, the romantic aspect of our relationship is over.
And I'm totally fine with that.
But Ben and I have so much in common.
I mean, we're amazing friends.
And friendship is better because friends help you move.
They drive you to the airport.
Boyfriends just love you and marry you.
Jerry! I am launching a full-scale investigation into my romantic relationship with your daughter Millicent Gergich, and I thought I could pick your brain.
Aw, jeez, I really shouldn't be involved in someth Quick recap things were going wonderfully.
We clicked on an emotional level.
And then suddenly, I just stopped hearing from her.
Now, you must know her pretty well what gives? Here's what I saw go down.
Donna! Yeah! Get in on this.
You're too accessible.
Every time she calls, you answer.
You gotta dangle the carrot, literally and metaphorically.
- Thank you, Donna! - Thanks, Donna.
SoCourtney.
This says you retired in 1968.
No, no, no.
I was fired because I made a pass at an ethnic woman.
And what have you been doing for the last 43 years? Oh, you know, hitchhiking around.
I went to Mexico.
I met a lot of ethnic girls.
They grow on trees down there.
I was in jail for a spell That about brings it up to date.
Sounds to me like you're ready to get back in the game, Courtney.
We'll be in touch.
Another very strong candidate.
Are you insane? He was a million-year-old racist! He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.
I'm sorry, Ron, but I created a legacy here, and I need to make sure it's protected.
Let's bring in some more people.
In my four years here, I revolutionized the position of administrator and made this place cool.
I was the first person to abbreviate Parks and Recreation Department.
First it was Parks and Recreation.
Then Parks and Rec.
Then P&R.
Then lengthened it just a little bit to Tommy's place.
Okay, wait a minute.
I think I have it.
What if we dropped interest rates.
- Would that help you? - Maybe.
But what if Brazil and Argentina use their oil deposits as collateral? Oh, that's really good.
Under-exaggerate much, France? Ha ha! Nice! Hey, Leslie, you ready? - Oh! - Ow.
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
- Hi, William.
- Hi.
You ready? Yes.
Absolutely.
UmThey want me to do a photo op for the campaign so I can bolster my education credentials.
- Can we just press pause here? - How long is it gonna take? I'm not really sure.
Can you just tread water until I'm ready? Oh, sure, yeah.
I'll just tread water until you're ready.
Thanks, buddy.
Leslie and I aren't dating anymore, but, uh, we're friends.
So it's fun.
It's just fun.
It's fun it's fun It is fun.
Thanks a lot.
Yes! Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions.
That's pretty good, right? - Yeah - Okay.
But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.
But so are lions.
And you don't have to pay them.
These kids are idiots.
I've just traded all of Finland's boring stuff for every other country's lions? I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now.
I have no idea what's going on.
But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.
Hey, so Russia and China are about to propose their own plan, so the kids kinda want to get ours out there.
Oh, okay this should probably only take five more minutes.
Let's say 10 or 15 to be safe.
Well, how about me make it a cool 40? I'm sorry.
It's just important.
Well, this is important too.
It's kinda why we came here.
I'm sorry, could you Just step over here? - You're in the shot.
- Oh, of course.
Her life is so awesome.
You're lucky you're friends with her.
Shut up, Bulgaria! I know, well, that's the great thing about treaties, - It doesn't even matter.
- Hey! I'm back.
Or, as they say in Denmark "I'm back.
" Most people speak English.
So are you guys ready to polish off this treaty? Oh, uh actually, I merged our treaty with Russia and China's treaty.
I got cut out of my own treaty? Yeah.
I got sick of treading water, so I swam over to Asia, made a deal.
The nation of Denmark would like to formerly request a summit with the nation of Peru over there by the refreshment table.
Because the nation of Denmark needs a juice box.
I am shocked an appalled by the actions of the honorable delegate from Peru.
Leslie, just look I thought I could handle being friends with you.
But I can't, okay? Now, we agreed the other night that we can't spend time together.
I think that was the right call.
But that was in a romantic way.
We can still spend time together as friends.
It doesn't work that way.
You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet.
- Why not? - Because it's selfish.
Stop being obtuse.
Look, I understand where he's coming from.
But I have been nothing but straightforward with him, and if anyone in the entire world should understand the difficult position I'm in, it's It's just I've made an effort and I've shared my flags with him, and suddenly, he doesn't want to be friends? You know what? That leaves me with only one option.
Just excuse me for a Attention.
This is an urgent world matter.
Due to a recent betrayal, my homeland, the great state of Denmark, has officially decided to declare war on Peru.
Scandinavian brothers, on my signal.
Unleash hell! See, I just don't believe in this whole don't let people know how you feel nonsense.
I love telling people how I feel.
Mostly because I love most people.
And I love telling them that I love them.
You didn't tell that girl you love her, did you? - No.
I'm not crazy.
- What is this urgent meeting with Donna and Jerry? Ann Perkins.
I took your advice.
- My sarcastic advice.
- Precisely.
And we're getting to the bottom of what's going on with me and Jerry's daughter, and I thought you would be a tremendous addition to this think tank.
This is incredibly inappropriate.
- Oh, thank you! - Okay, I'm game.
No.
I'm not kidding.
My name's Gary, and I'm from Gary, Indiana.
Amazing.
People like hearing that.
It's probably one of my stronger anecdotes.
A fact is not an anecdote, Gary.
Here's an anecdote Today I met the most boring man in the world.
His name was Gary.
Hmm.
Now Keith.
Under sex, you wrote "Yes.
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.
" - Well-played.
- Thank you.
Ah, but all jokes aside.
I'm a boy.
Keith, I had this job for four years.
And I can tell you, you get out of it what you put into it.
What are you hoping to get out of it? In like a month or so.
- What? - OhWhat! What am I hoping to get out of this job? Yeah.
Yeah.
Like one one month of money Would be would be just right.
Let me give you a situation.
You're hosting a town hall meeting for local businesses.
Uh That's so much stuff.
You just, uh kept on going.
That was like one thing.
I didn't even get to the situation yet.
Oh! All right.
Well, thanks, guys.
I think we've all seen enough.
Still not totally sure what I'm applying for.
Butif you ask me, I think it went pretty well.
What we need to focus on is how to destroy Peru, specifically one person who lives there.
Madame Ambassador, are you changing the scenario? We didn't prepare for this.
Global politics can change, and scenarios can arise and suddenly you're just like, "wait, I thought this one thing, "but look over there.
That's a different thing, and it's changing everything," and I'm like, "what?" Hold up.
" Who has tanks for me? I-I'm sorry, but We're gonna keep trying to solve the food crisis.
Food schmood.
This is war.
God, it's time for you to nut up, Switzerland.
Well, well, well, look who is brave enough to show his face in Europe.
Say the word, Leslie.
I'll sick my army of lions on him.
Okay, look, I think, um Things are starting to get a little out of control here.
I agree.
You betrayed me, and you went behind my back, and now you need to pay.
I need to I need to pay.
Do I stutter? Oh.
Okay.
Fair enough.
Oh, you know what? You might wanna borrow this.
Ew, no one wants your dirty underwear, Ben.
It's not dirty underwear.
It's a white flag, and you may as well start waving it right now the only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother! Good lord.
They were duds, Ron.
Really, anything would be better than the people we interviewed today.
I guess you're right, Tom.
I'm not gonna find another you.
You were perfect.
Competent enough to keep the bosses off my back, but selfish enough to slow down all the work.
Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees.
If they did, I'd sell 'em.
Tommy trees.
Would you consider coming back? Sorry, Ron.
No can do.
I'm like a shark.
I don't swim backwards.
See ya later, man.
We've been making great strides with genetically modified crops and would gladly pledge to continue the growth of excuse me, Madame Ambassador.
- Excuse me.
- I'm not finished.
Oh, really? Then why do I have the microphone? I move that the Security Council formally condemn Denmark and stop them from making any more unwarranted acts of aggression.
As long as you quit derailing the conference.
People are dying of hunger in Africa.
Oh, cry me a river.
All in favor of the resolution.
- What?! - Oh, that's interesting.
The resolution passes with flying colors.
Denmark is formally condemned.
Bam! That's no problemo, Peru, because Denmark no longer recognizes the authority of this international gang of thugs.
And history will be unkind to those who stand opposed to justice.
Together, we stand and I ask all of you who is ready to join the Coalition of the Willing? The Moon shall join your coalition.
Yeah! We got the freaking moon.
What are you gonna do without tides, Peru? Okay.
We need to stop dealing in hypotheticals.
Ann, we dated.
What happened to us? Really? Do you wanna get real? Sure.
Sounds like fun.
Sometimes your relentless cheeriness is confusing.
Like that time we went to Eagleton and we got that hotel room with the jacuzzi Ooh, this just got real good! And the jacuzzi broke.
But I did eat food off of your body.
- Oh, come on.
- All right, Chris and Ann! I just wanna go back to work.
So the Coalition of the Willing is Denmark, Botswana, and the Moon.
The big three.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
Ben is probably shoring up his support in South America.
While he does that, we are gonna make sure Attention! The Security Council has decided to expel Peru and Denmark from the United Nations.
Madame Ambassadeur Pourquoi? 'Cause you guys suck.
Look around.
We thought you were gonna teach us how to solve problems.
You've ruined my favorite club.
Thanks a lot.
Did we win? I think we won! What were we trying to do? I learned so much today.
I just wanted to say that I thought it was really cool how everything fell apart in there.
And also, maybe you should talk to Ben.
No.
He's being a jerk.
Please? When Ben gets upset, he becomes a really bad roommate.
He takes really long sadness baths and makes me late for stuff.
I hate it here.
Can't wait to graduate.
Yeah, but summer's gonna totally kick ass.
So you're saying that I intimidated you? - No.
Not exactly.
- Come on.
Talk more about that tantric workshop y'all went to.
I was so into you, okay, and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.
Huh I mean, I was jogging.
I hate jogging.
- Jogging's amazing! - Jogging is the worst, Chris.
I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost? Well, I'm sorry that I added five years to your life.
Now I'm being sarcastic.
Like you.
I'm doing something that you like.
Being with you definitely made me do a lot of soul-searching, and I came out the other side being a much more self-possessed person.
Well, I'm glad.
Good luck with Millicent.
Just back off a little bit.
Let her be herself.
Everything'll be fine.
Thank you.
If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe.
That's That's not true.
Well You have to rearrange them.
- Oh - Delegates! I know that you're angry with each other.
Hopefully, this will be your opportunity to have your very own Camp David.
In high school, my buddy David Fundis would have these campouts in his backyard.
We would just chill out, have a bonfire, talk about whatever was on our mind.
We called it camp David.
How do you know about Camp David? How do you know about camp David? Ooookay.
You guys are being stupid, so why don't you work it out - while Andy and I - Throw these scientist bottles - off the roof? - No.
That's right.
See ya.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
It's bad enough that we can't be together, but the thought of us not being friends is Is just too crappy for me to handle.
I was perhaps a little icier than I needed to be.
I just need you to be in my life.
You're too important to me.
I wish I could say it's possible.
I just I don't know if it is right now.
Well, I propose a treaty that states that we have a fun conversation once a day at work for five minutes.
I'll take it to the Peruvian senate.
Or whatever.
- Please do that.
- I'll try.
I'll see what they say.
What do we do with those kids? We totally ruined their club.
I could tell you what I would like when I was their age.
Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them? Okay.
I regret telling you that very much.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Ron.
All right.
I gotta come clean.
I saw you spraying cologne samples at Macy's.
What? Macy's? That wasn't me.
There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town? I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.
Just take the job, Tommy.
Come on back.
I quit to peruse my dream.
And my dream collapsed.
It's embarrassing, Ron.
I can't go from a CEO back to being an administrator.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel okay about coming back? Everyone, please Help me.
I'm trying to get Tom back.
I'm begging.
This department just doesn't work without you.
What do you say? Ron, this is embarrassing.
Even for you.
I'm not coming back.
Peace out, my dudes.
Excuse me, everyone.
That was great.
So what I'm thinking is I'll come back in a few days, you'll beg me again aah! So if it's okay with you guys, I would like to ask Ron for my job back.
Ron May I have my job back, please? Thank you.
I will see you all Monday.
Looking forward to it.
Ah, France, bienvenue.
My name is Cassidy, - and I'm really annoyed with you.
- Yes.
And you have every right to be, but we're hoping what we're gonna show you right now will make up for that.
- What? - Oh, my God! Pawnee City Council chambers.
The nicest room in City Hall by a factor of like a million.
Go ahead.
Sit down.
Leslie and I feel terrible for war breaking out at your Model U.
N.
Which, for the record, Denmark would have won, but that's neither here nor there.
Thanks to a coordinated effort between the parks department and the city manager's office, three months from now, we are gonna hold a State-wide Model U.
N.
In this room, - and you're gonna run the show.
- What? And we will just be not here.
- Or taking some small countries.
- No, no, no, no.
No.
Fine.
Not here.
- Sound good? - Yes! Those kids are passionate about something.
That's important.
That's all there is, really, is passion.
Passion is what makes for good treaties - Cheese! - Good relationships Good pizza.
Good friends.
Good everything.
Including wars.
* Ladies and Gentlemen, "He was gone but never forgotten.
" "He makes all the ladies want" No, I'm not gonna say that.
"Swagger beats and I get the Who's the" All right, forget it.
Welcome back, Tom Haverford! Tick-tock, it's Tommy time! I'm sorry, I have to object again.
This just seems unfair.
I understand that, Jerry.
But the problem is is that Tom came back and Andy's my assistant, so I kinda need him close to me.
Okay, but I can't even hear anything because of the noise from the copier.
Sorry.
These are really important.