Portlandia (2011) s04e07 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Oh hi.
- Hey.
How are you? - Um, can I get the Rejuvenator today? - Uh-huh.
- Thanks.
One Rejuvenator coming up.
Sounds great.
I like your hair today.
Ow.
Ow.
Whoa.
Uh.
I think my hair is jammed in the machine.
Take a deep breath.
Just take a deep breath and just calm down.
Just put your hands yeah.
- That, there you go.
- There you go.
Just hold that - and take a deep breath.
- All right.
- Just smash the glass.
- Take a deep breath.
No.
It's, um, it's plastic.
It's okay.
I have this friend of mine.
He's super smart.
- He can do anything.
He's like MacGyver.
- Really? Yeah.
He's like MacGyver.
You want me to call him? Please do that.
Okay calm down.
Hey, hey hey.
Calm down.
Calm down.
You can't help okay.
My body just does that.
I know you are trying to help.
Let let me ride this out.
Okay? - Is this normal? - I don't know, I don't know I'm cool, I'm cool.
Joaquin, you may have to cut your hair.
I don't think we can do that.
Are there other options? - What's what's your idea? - You're the doctor.
There we go.
Oh, okay, there you go.
Now, you can hold onto that.
Let me plug this back in.
My wife she she cuts my hair.
She could do your hair.
You know, she can just come here and go And like no mess.
Hey, Joaquin, this is my friend, Ben.
He's a fireman.
My wife also cuts his hair.
I don't want to look.
Rejuvenators for everybody.
I'll try it.
How did we get these tickets again? Well, I won them in a silent auction.
Oh, when you got them, I assumed we were seeing a lecture about, you know, pioneers, people who blaze trails, settlers.
You know, I'm a trailblazer.
I'm the first woman in Portland to ever wear jeans.
Cool.
Incredible.
Look at that.
They're so good at this.
These people are the best at what they do.
It's very bell balletic.
It's it's like dance.
I like it.
What is this? - I guess it's over.
- No.
I think it's it's just a time out.
Oh, look at this.
Who are they? What is this? Why are they barely wearing anything? This is a private dance.
This is a dance you do in your backyard, under the full moon.
You know, this isn't something you do in the middle of a court.
- No.
- Cover your eyes everybody.
This isn't a show.
Does anyone want to see my master's degree or my collection of books? Let them speak.
Allow them to talk.
This is a crime.
II I want to speak to someone.
Let's let's talk to management.
Yeah, we have to.
I'm glad you guys came in today, 'cause anybody that comes to a Blazer game deserves my interest and my support - Great.
- But I really think this is a conversation for our choreographer.
It just seemed odd that the only women on the floor were there as entertainers.
They could've helped with the ball.
There were times when the ball was Dirty and needed cleaning.
Oh, that's a little sexist, don't you think? No.
What she was saying was, if it was dirty, some of them could have cleaned the ball while they dunk and threw the ball around.
Oh oh okay.
Um, I don't know how you got the appointment.
I'm kind of in the basketball portion of the trailblazers.
The the shorts that the women were wearing were so small I felt like they were growing right out from their asshole.
And instead of them dancing in their short shorts and doing this, this, and this They could be telling us something about themselves.
Yeah.
You know I just most of our fans have any interest in anything outside of watching our players play - basketball when that's - Who gives a flying [Beep.]
about the fans? I just don't know how I'm supposed to help you today.
We would love the opportunity to work with the blazers dancers, and uh, the way that they perform on the court.
Oh, you guys are choreographers? We're imagineers.
Okay.
So can we make a deal? If I give you access to the dancers in a controlled environment, do you promise to never, ever come here again? Even as friends? We can't come and say hi? No, but you know what? What I can do is why don't you take these official trailblazer caps - Thank you.
- I will go set up a meeting.
Okay? You look so good in that hat.
I bet I do.
Hey, I have a 10:30 appointment, a tattoo removal appointment.
Okay.
We have you down the hallway to the left, room 3.
- Hey, how are you? - Good.
Lyle.
Your tattoo removal artist.
- Hi, I'm Sandra.
- Thanks for choosing us.
How can I help you today? Well, I have this, um, tattoo that I wanted to get removed.
Oh, wow.
You see that? Um What do you do you got a soccer ball? Yeah.
I just I got it a long time ago.
What what do you got up here? Dolphins.
- Oh, you don't want that removed? - Should I get it removed? I think you should remove it.
Okay, I mean, if you think it would look better removed, - I, I'm open to it.
- Yeah.
I'm psyched about the dolphins one, that's gonna be good.
Any other tattoos you want removed? I do have the name of my high school that I went to across my stomach.
Ah, that's great.
Stomach tattoo removal is that was my first.
I love that.
I'm flattered that you have taken a liking to my tattoos that you don't like.
The rest of my career could be here Just working on you.
Have you ever thought about getting any of your tattoos removed? How'd you know I had tattoos? I see them on your arms and neck.
You see the ones on my neck? Well, you must have really sharp eyesight.
I had those removed awhile ago.
I didn't even realize your tattoos were removed.
I mean my my tattoos are gone.
I used to have an ankh.
I still see it.
What side of my neck is it on? It's to my left, but it's on Ah, left and it's here.
Why do you have the word Detroit on your knuckles? - Do I know you from before? - No.
I actually did my own left hand, because I'm a righty.
I mean, it looks like you've had a lot of tattoos removed all over your face, right? No, I never had tattoos on my face.
Oh, great.
That's just my skin.
So.
I see your skin.
I see your body like a chalkboard.
So I look smudged? Oh, yeah.
- Right.
- That's what we do here.
Look, that's some of our work.
That took us I'm really proud of that one.
That one took us a while.
I think it will look pretty good.
- Hey, can I get another coffee? - You have a dollar? Bathing.
Hey, little doggy.
We play loud.
- Whoa.
Come on.
- We didn't finish the song.
The song's not over.
Babe, what do you think of this number? Oh, I like it.
I like the shoulders.
Made in Macau.
I can't do that anymore.
Those countries just make me think of like, you know, sweat shops or something.
I just I wish I knew where my clothes were made and who was making them.
Yeah.
- This is such a great decision.
- So great, thanks.
- This is amazing.
- Yeah.
I love making custom pieces.
It's the best.
How many of these could you do? If I asked for two shirts? Is that crazy? It takes about a month because they're custom, you know? I mean we get it.
We're paying for the quality.
- Yeah.
Cool.
- All right.
Wow.
- Trish.
- Hey.
This looks great.
Thanks.
You know, I remember that I have a board meeting on Friday, and I would love to wear this.
Do you think it's going to be ready? Um - And then my shirts, too, so I don't - Okay, so like, soon you need them? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hey guys.
How's it coming along? Oh, it's great now that Amanda's here.
Hi.
Hey.
Love to get my table back.
Um I wonder if there is more space somewhere where you can spread out a little bit, and - Oh, that's a great idea.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey guys.
Hello.
Well, they loved the shirt.
It was a big hit.
My friend, Sharon, wants one.
My friend, Linda, Amy.
Uh, how about my shirts, too? Can I get my Do you guys have like any refreshments or Oh.
It's a little like It's just a little hot.
Uh, I can get you a cup of water.
- Okay.
- One cup for you.
One cup for your friend? Two cups.
Well, thanks guys.
Hi guys.
Sorry you locked in.
Malcolm's dentist appointment went a little long.
Yea he numbed me up a little bit.
Who is uh who's that? I hope it's okay.
I had to bring my friend, Lois, um And she couldn't find a sitter.
Seems like those little hands will be great for buttons? - Amanda messed up a shirt.
- She messed up? - Uh - You mess up? - No no no, she didn't mess up.
- She's working? Hard? Everyone's working hard.
I want to make pants.
So, you work? We work.
We're going to work on your pants.
Go home or you're dead.
Ok, you can't Looks great, though.
I love the buttons.
Can we get some more water? - You want a cup? - Yeah, I would love a cup.
- Friend want a cup? - Yeah.
You want a cup? Four cups.
Four more cups? Chop chop.
Hey, everyone.
Stop.
We've got great news.
A real store put in an order for these clothes.
There's going to be a lot of things to make.
So great.
Our hard work paid off.
So, get back to work.
You heard him.
Get to work.
Made in Portland.
If you want to take a chance girl take my hand and come with me.
I'll be everything you need Stop the music.
Stop the music.
Stop for a moment.
Hi.
Drop the pom poms.
This is a safe space.
And this is a new regime.
I'm Toni.
I'm Candice.
You're in a space that is woman centric.
You're women.
What that means is we mean it.
Uh-huh.
When I saw you, you know And this, and you know this is I think you want Still is good.
II love the dancing.
It has a lot of energy, and I felt very moved by it, but I thought who are these women? Read a book.
Read a poem.
Is there something you've been journaling? We can explore this on stage during half time.
And if any of those players come out onto the court and tell you to get off, you turn around and say, this is my court.
It doesn't matter.
If the game stops, we wait.
Your time will not be limited.
Infinite.
What can you tell us about yourself right now? I was born in Portland.
I love pasta.
I love salad.
I love ice cream.
I like summer.
So you're the oppressor.
You're the sort of old libraries of the past where they didn't like women reading And read, and read, and read.
Resist and read.
Resist and read.
If you could just hold the spotlight on her and like Like this.
And Madeline.
Let's have you back here, so stare at her there.
One of you, sort of like this.
Caroline.
Can you cry? Three of you sort of march past with the flag.
Uh-huh.
Charlotte, Britney, Andrea, You I want you to take this the right way.
You go into another room, just go over there.
A room of one's own.
They'll feel you absence.
Lindsey, if you could do me a favor and just wildly, just searching for What happened to my rights? We will not be having music.
The sound of my voice will be the only sound we hear.
She's going to do a blood curdling scream, and this is the centerpiece to it all.
Great job today.
Remember we have a home game coming up against the Clippers.
- We are gonna win.
- For feminism.
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to the second annual can't do it without your help, Kick-starter film awards.
I know it's a mouth full.
I'm your host, Gus Van Sant.
I just want to make sure you understand these are not the Kick-starter films.
These are films made to generate donations to make the Kick-starter film.
And the nominations are Help us make a movie about a forgotten musician.
Kendall Hughes and Wendy Alexander.
- Hi, I'm Kendall.
- And I'm Wendy.
Have you ever heard of Talagnu? Right.
Nobody has.
He was one of the biggest starts out of Daytona beach, Florida in the 1970s.
I see two stars But did you know he really influenced a lot of artists.
- Artists like Willie Mitchell.
- The Aalula Sisters.
- Sam Macgunnigal.
- Dr.
Melquor, just to name a few.
Just a touch of love will be the key We want to make documentaries about the other guys, not the guys you know, because you think there is a reason they were undiscovered, and there is.
Invincible love, Ebbe and Christine.
I got shipped off to North Dakota to work in the oil fields, and I miss my baby.
I miss my Christine.
I need somebody to help me out here.
He's in north Dakota, and you know, traveling's really expensive right now, and I need airfare to get to him.
- I need to go see him.
- I miss you, baby.
For $100, we'll add you to our e-mail newsletter to let you know how Christine and I are doing.
What you're funding by sending us money is you're funding love.
I got this tattoo on our second date.
Help us.
Get us the money.
Bring Christine out to North Dakota so that we can be back together again where we belong.
I need your help real bad.
Donation blues.
Sandra Paulson.
Hi, I'm Sandra.
This is my Kick-starter video to help me raise money so I can continue to contribute to other Kick-starter videos.
I'm broke because I've contributed to so many Kick-starter projects for albums, for music videos, for movies shot entirely on a kayak.
What can I give you in return? For one project, I received the incentive of a cloth napkin.
It was for a cat installation video.
You can also get a walk on role because they haven't shot it yet, and they need money for sound editing, so thanks for contributing.
New team uniforms.
Paul Allen.
Hi.
I'm Paul Allen, and I have an exciting New Jersey design to share with you.
I brought this idea to my financial advisors, and they said no, but I'm hoping you say yes.
And the winner is Invincible love, Ebbe and Christine.
Oh.
Can I hug you? Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Oh my God.
Thanks for voting for us.
Ebbe! Yeah! Well.
You're we'd like to thank Well actually we didn't get the we haven't we didn't get the money for our Kick-starter, but - No, not even close.
- You know what? We're gonna clean up next year too, 'cause - we've got another one on the way.
- That's right.
We wanna get money to build a hottub.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thanks for coming, and Don't forget.
We can't do it without your help, and by it, I mean anything.
Whatever.
Really good.
That's excellent.
Oh, I like how you sat down the whole time.
Women kind won tonight.
Feminism won.
- Nice pout.
- Candice, we did it.
Look at that.
Just walked into an office and just changed the world.
Oh, those guys look kind of sad.
Were they out there tonight? Maybe they just bumped because the dancers got all the attention.
It was a really great night for the dancers.
If we can help those dancers, we can help the players.
Why the sadness? I don't understand why you're down.
That was great that was unbelievable.
We lost the game.
Weren't those dancers amazing? So they lost, too, because we lost.
We know where they were born.
We know what their favorite pet is.
We know what books they like.
We know what razors they use.
They read poetry at a basketball game.
This whole game thing I don't I don't understand when it became a competition.
That's the whole point.
Tonight, the women won, and you know what? We are all women.
Who are you? - I'm Robin.
- Robin, tonight, you're not Robin.
You're Robin woman.
You're Thomas woman.
Lamarcus woman.
- Damian woman.
- Lillard.
I'm not a woman.
I'm a man.
Uh.
I don't agree with you.
I just don't.
What if what if you guys came out with more than one ball? Wouldn't that be confusing? And then it would be a truly memorable game.
I don't think that's allowed.
That's against the rules.
You know what you do about rules? Throw them out.
If we followed the rules, women would have never had the right to vote.
Who made the rules anyway? The National Basketball Association made the rules.
Instead of basketball, blazer ball.
You act like you're on the other team so that they think that you're their friend.
Put on a mustache and a hat.
You put on your hat like you're going home, like oh I'm done.
Okay, guys.
I'm going home.
Get your briefcase.
I'm going home.
Come back, grab that ball, and you actually are in the game so the other team is so confused.
Not going to work.
You guys don't think I know anything about basketball? She she dated one of the players.
Who? Tell them.
You dated someone on The Bulls.
- The Chicago Bulls.
- The Chicago Bulls.
You might have heard of him.
Michael Jordan.
Ssssss.
In Chicago when I was there, and he took me to dinner.
Michael Jordan took you out to dinner? It was just the two of us.
We ate fish.
Guess who paid for it? You.
Nope.
Mr.
Michael M.
Jordan.
M? Michael Michael Jordan.
- It's Jeffrey Jordan.
- Heavy set man? Beard? Gray beard? Yellow backpack, a thermos for some reason.
Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan.
Did he have a hoop earring? No, there was just so much hair here that it just sort of looked like little headphones like a hair of headphones over his head.
Where'd you meet this guy? Union station in Chicago.
Why would Michael Jordan be at Union Station? He said he lived there.
That was not Michael Jordan.
Well, I got some free fish, so Anyway, it doesn't matter.
He told me something.
You know what's important? Dunking.
The first thing you do is you dunk right Right away so the other team's like what just happened.
You start here.
You go into the air and down into the basket.
I think that's flying.
We're begging you to dunk more.
- Please.
- We wanna see a game of all dunking.
And that's every play.
I mean, we can't waste our time if you don't want to just dunk it.
Dunk.
Dunk, dunk, come on, stand up.
Dunk, on your feet.
Dunk.
Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Toni, look at this.
Portland trailblazers win big by dunking the entire game.
Look at these pictures.
Wow.
They're either dunking or getting ready to dunk.
You know, people called me Air Toni in high school.
You ever hear of talagnu? Right.
No one has.
But did you know he really influenced a lot of artists.
Artists like Willie Mitchell.
Devin Stevens.
Paula pope.
The Lalula Sisters.