Rake (2010) s04e07 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 7
1 - Open the door, Greene! - Melissa! Melissa! I'm a little surprised.
Suddenly thrust in the spotlight.
Oh, I'm sure you'll do fine.
Just a little ice.
Ice?! She's a little lost, but she said she liked me.
Of course she likes you, she's she's a drug addict! - I feel guilty.
- Why? Because I'm really happy and Barney's a mess and I feel like shit about it.
Dinner and drinks? With who? Jack Claymore.
Jack Claymore? The truth is, he killed her.
Now, this trial always smacked as being a political trial, and it's cost me a lot.
You know what? I don't much feel like cooking dinner tonight.
So I was thinking takeaway.
Let's get in the car and go for a drive.
OK, guys, settle in.
Why can't I sit in the front? Not tonight.
Buckle up.
We got chicken wings in the fridge.
G'day, mate.
Kids.
- Where are you taking them, Barney? - Where are you going, mate? He's taking us out for dinner, Nicole.
But we've got chicken wings inside.
Barney? Hey, come inside, guys.
I think your dad isn't feeling so well.
Come on, I'll cook you up some chicken wings.
So where the hell were you taking them? I'm not sure.
Going to get them some food and maybe drop them off at Scarlet's folks' place.
OK, well, did you call them, Scarlet's folks? No.
Would they be OK to have them? They love 'em.
They never go anywhere.
OK, well, look, let me take them there and Cleaver can stay here with you.
Oh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
I've got a kilo and a half of chicken here, and I got a lesbian ex-wife at home.
I'm I'm good.
I wasn't going to hurt them, if that's what you both think.
OK.
Well, look, I'll I'll go and get them to pack a few things, and we can talk tomorrow.
What about yourself, mate? - What do you mean? - After you'd dropped the kids off.
What were you thinking of doing? They need you, Barnyard.
They're not going to bring themselves up.
I wish that balloon had just kept floating .
.
forever.
Never touched the ground again.
Are you going to be alright here? I don't care how miserable this knob is.
Give me your worst, mate.
Compared to the bloody fallopian melodrama I'm enduring at home, this is a daydream.
Oh, don't forget you're in court at three tomorrow.
You've got Cowper.
Oh, Cowper! Oh there goes the daydream.
I weep, I mourn, I yearn for the days when we had proper laws.
Harsher, more fulsome laws to deal with the sort of heinous crime we have had paraded before the bench today.
Because, Jeffrey Argyle, if our society had not given sway to the mealy-mouthed liberal toadies that infect all levels of this country's administration, I would take pleasure in sentencing you to a life of hard labour, with no hope of parole.
You, sir, would never see sunlight again.
You would never feel the soft caress of a woman's hand stroking your thigh, or the sweet breath on your cheek of the child upon your knee.
I would have preferred to serve on the bench at a time when the death sentence was an option.
But, alas .
.
Jeffrey Argyle, the fact that you pleaded guilty to being drunk and disorderly in a public place does you no service with me.
As we have travailed through your pathetic attempt to defend the indefensible, by cowering behind a guilty plea, makes me shudder.
Ooh, hang down your head Tom Dooley Hang down your head and cry Hang down your head Tom Dooley Poor boy, you're going to Oh, morning.
Ah, these ones, Your Honour.
Morning.
Ah, good morning, Your Honour.
Are you before me today, Browne? Ah, yes, yes, Your Honour, I have that privilege.
Oh.
Wouldn't Your Honour perhaps feel more comfortable in his trousers? Ah, I have a very full day ahead.
- Cleaver.
- Jeffrey.
I'm nervous.
I've never faced a court before.
I'm told they tend to go easy on first timers.
What's going on here? Usual feel-good story.
Some arsehole who strangled his wife.
What about you? Looks like you've been through the mill.
Oh, God, I just had a guy go down for four years for drunk and disorderly.
We had the Honourable Justice Cowper presiding, the recent recipient of the King George III Award for Mental Clarity.
He's got a bit of a reputation, hasn't he, the old Cowper? He's basically nude from the waist down, most days.
I mean, we're pretty lucky to find him in Y-fronts.
Cowper is a big part of everything wrong with justice in this state, and there is a lot wrong with justice in this state.
That man basically had two career paths open to him -- institutionalised care or the bench.
How anybody expects a fair trial while the deranged and the mentally enfeebled are running the show is an abiding mystery.
Every time Cowper opens his mouth, you feel a little part of your brain leak out your arse.
Have you complained about him? Who are you going to complain to? Half the judges in the state are as demented and pantless as he is.
If the public realised what was going on in chambers, there would be a coup.
Tell me you got that.
You can tell him that unless he sticks to the narrative, he can forget my help on election day.
I'm going to leave him hanging like dead meat on a hook.
You know what? The other thing.
I'm not making another phone call for him until he pays his bills.
Sorry.
- Does this ever stop? - Oh! I'm so sorry.
I just wanted a chilled afternoon with you.
- Well, you could turn it off.
- Might just do that.
I don't know if I'm comfortable with this in public yet.
Well, lucky we're not in Saudi Arabia, then.
Do you know, though, I heard that in these parts, it's the new height of fashion.
Sapphic is apparently the new straight.
Oh, God.
Is that what I am? See, I don't know if our connection is just physical or a result of incredibly bad choices in men.
Well, I am choosing to believe the former and I'm very happy to keep trying to make you see that as well.
You know, it can't be much help when you have one of those ex-husbands still living with you.
I mean, refusing to move out! You know the French have the perfect word for men like that -- 'escroc'.
There's no direct translation, but I really think Cleaver's one of them, don't you? Um I might, if I knew what it meant.
That's a very good point.
Um'escroc'.
They I don't know, they they tend to hold people back.
Am I being held back? I want change.
I want it to mean something.
Then let's make it mean something.
Oh, Jack, you wouldn't leave your consultancy.
Yes, I would.
I'm sick of all the power games, the manoeuvring.
You name it, we'll go there.
Yeah, but I don't want to live in a big city like Tokyo or New York.
No, no, no, no, I mean, I'm talking somewhere like, I don't know, um the Bay of Islands.
- Oh - The Kiwi Prime Minister's a mate.
- No! - Or we could just do Tuscany.
I would chuck in everything for you.
- In a heartbeat.
- Are you serious? I don't know how many times I can tell you this.
I've never found anyone to replace you.
Ooh, there they are! My two most favourite people in the whole wide world! I'm so glad you could come.
Hey, Mum.
- Wendy? - Yes? Hold that thought.
What do you want now? You happy with the wine, Cleave? Mm.
Yeah, it's fine, thanks, Dave.
If you'd like to move on to something else, just say the word.
They have a very good cellar here.
Happy where I am.
'Cause I don't mind.
It's all good.
All good, thank you.
Least I can do.
Ah, did I tell you the party's come back to me? Offered me fourth place on their Senate ticket.
Anybody ever get voted in from fourth place on a Senate ballot, mate? Occasionally they do.
They probably just offered it up out of pity, or guilt.
Most likely.
They're a pack of bastards, anyway.
Why would anybody ever go into federal politics, mate? I mean, you'd have to be farming mad or my sister.
- But I've repeated myself.
- Well, maybe.
Still, it's a way forward for me.
And you? What's the future hold for you? Oh, well, more of the glittering same, I suppose.
Judges without trousers.
Oh, you've had Cowper.
I'll continue to defend the indefensible.
Letting people out on the streets who should be locked up for life.
Oh, mate, this is dreadful.
I mean, this is terrible, isn't it? Apart from being inexplicable sperm brothers, we have absolutely nothing in common, do we? Not a thing.
This is a waste of a perfectly good lunch.
Certainly is for me.
I mean, these are minutes we'll never get back.
- I just thought I should thank you.
- Well, you paid me.
Enough.
I am grateful.
Yeah, but don't let your gratitude get in the road of our long-term misunderstanding.
I mean, it's creepy.
It's freaking me out.
Do you mind if I take this to another table? Oh, please.
Thank you.
- Oh, yes.
- Could I sit here? Mate, could I get something else? Anything else? This is complete cat's piss.
Nicole, will you kindly accompany me, please? No! How do I know you're not a weird serial killer? Here.
"The first thing she will ask is, "'How do I know you're not a serial killer?' "Tell her to learn to trust.
" Bevan? Mama! Mama! No, I'm closing the door.
Watch your fingers.
Oh, my God! Who are you? You were never this stylish.
- I'm a changed man.
- Yes, you are.
And it was you who changed me.
Ahh! Here.
Oh, thank you very much.
Lovely.
OK, under this one - .
.
we have simple sliced fruit.
- Right.
- This, Tasmanian oysters.
- Beautiful.
And poached barramundi.
Oh! And in here .
.
24-carat ruby setting.
So for the second time, Nicole Vargas .
.
will you bloody marry me? Oh, my God.
Are you sure that this is what you want? I mean, I completely stuffed you around the last time.
You did.
But I have wanted you ever since we first met 16 years ago.
But this time, no big church wedding.
A beach maybe.
What do you say? I'm sorry.
OK, OK, it's safe now? - Go ahead.
- Righto.
Oh, my goodness, Bevan.
Yes? Yes, yes.
Yes.
You're so much better at this than your father.
I could beat him when I was ten.
- Better at what? - Backgammon.
Since when did you play board games? Oh, we're all playing it now.
Jack put us onto this great new app.
It's pretty fast.
Double six! You're so screwed.
You think you're so smart.
Why would you play backgammon on a teensy little auditory device, not even looking at one another, when there's a perfectly good board in the cabinet? It's called the 21st century, Cleave.
Ow! No, you stop it! Oh, I'm in the bath, Fuzz! - It's me.
- Oh, hi, Cleave.
I need the bathroom.
Go and feed the lemon tree.
I don't think it'll want what I've got to offer.
Sorry, we were just having a really good soak.
Ohh! Sid.
No, he doesn't open his mouth unless it's to say exactly what I put in there, OK? - We're going to the theatre.
- Ooh.
Thought they invented film to get around the problem of theatre.
- You too, huh? - Really? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's been part of my regime for a while now.
Is Jack Jack coming? No, she's on a conference call with DC.
DC? Wonder what that stands for.
- The mind boggles.
- Enjoy your run.
I'll pace you.
I like to run in bursts, and then pull it right back, you know.
You get a better cardio You're probably just burning off muscle now.
Did a couple of couple of extra loops and came back around the lake.
Oh, God! So Is this stuff with you and Jack bullshit or bullshit? It's none of your business.
Well, I think I've got some rights, haven't I? No, you don't.
You don't have any rights.
Well, I mean, is it just a sort of brief, city break vacation on the Isle of Lesbos, or have you crossed over the River Penis forever? - Ohh! - Huh? I'll do a couple of extra loops and I'll see you at home.
Fuckin' ibises.
That last 5 kays is a killer, isn't it? Oh, my God! I know, right? The Japanese! They're just, like, crazy.
Hey, Cleave, Jack's got us some croissants, if you want one.
Oh, what happened to all your kale and compost and keen keen .
.
quina-whoa-ha shakes? Oh, I think my Wendy deserves a treat every now and then, don't you? Mmm.
You have just run 8 kay, and I think you look bloody stunning.
So I got these croissants from a market in Moore Park.
Oh, God, I love that place.
Well, the four of us should go next market day.
Yes.
And you can come too if you like, Cleaver.
So, what, there are farmers in Moore Park growing acres of fresh croissants, are there? Hectares now, Cleave.
I was going to plant some eclairs myself, but you need the rainfall.
Oh, very brave words, what you said about Cowper.
- Was that wise? - What do you mean? How do you know what I said about Cowper? Leading Sydney barrister Cleaver Greene openly criticised the state's legal system, in particular deriding its judiciary.
At least they called you 'leading'.
Cowper is part of everything that is wrong with justice in this state and there is a lot wrong with justice in this state.
- That man - Ooh, brave words indeed.
I thought you weren't allowed to say stuff like this? Yeah, how is this going to go down with the Bar Association? Well, I didn't know she was recording, obviously.
How could you not notice the cameras? .
.
mentally enfeebled are running the show is an abiding mystery.
Every time Cowper opens his mouth, you feel a little part of your brain leak out your arse.
Oh, no.
You can't deny saying it.
It's all over the net for the whole world to see.
Yeah, look, I .
.
I thought I was having a private conversation with a You spoke to a reporter, a cameraman and a microphone.
Unconscionable behaviour.
Uncons Have Have any of you spent any time recently in the company of the Honourable Justice Cowper? He is a judge of the highest standing.
He's a man who forgets to put his trousers on in public.
He just gave my client four years for drunk and disorderly.
Which was later suspended.
Oh, so that's your defence, is it? What, you get a lunatic judgement and then you get a sane judge to suspend it? Is that our system at work? The simple fact, Mr Greene, is that you have once again brought this bar into disrepute.
Your behaviour is unconscionable.
Look, OK, fine, fine.
What am I up for, a month? Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.
Terminating? Oh, come now, Mr Greene, you're a barrister.
You ought to know the meaning of the word.
Or should I say, you were a barrister.
- No.
- Yes.
- Well, you can't You can't! - We can.
- And we have.
- Are you fuckin' kidding me? You suspended me once for two months for being in possession of coke in the court toilets, which is an actual crime, and now you're going to going to take away my whole livelihood for speaking the truth! Honestly, the first time I've ever actually publicly given a shit about the parlous state of this profession, and you fruit bats are gonna do this to me? Farewell, Mr Greene, for the very last time.
And the question is, how long do we tolerate these helmeted creatures, these lycra-clad lunatics weaving in and out of our cars, slowing traffic to a misery and spitting at us if, God forbid, we accidentally open a car door and collect one of 'em.
But joining me now on the program, back by popular demand, is the, may I say, lovely Jane Greene.
Welcome back, Jane.
Delighted to be here, Cal.
Really? That's That's very nice to hear that.
Jane, I know thousands of our viewers were very excited about hearing your policy stance last time.
Oh, not just mine, the whole party's.
I hope this recent brouhaha with your brother hasn't caused You know, Cal, my brother has no politics.
I don't know what he thinks about anything.
And I'd like to talk today about the absurdity of fracking on the last few acres of arable land in this country.
Yep, sure, sure.
I want to get on to fracking with you.
But your brother's recent comments about a judge of very high standing must have been a bit of a shock for you? No, he's been causing trouble ever since he was five.
He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
Good God, then you were the good one of the family.
I got up to a bit of mischief myself.
Oh, yeah, what sort of mischief? Not telling you, Cal.
You know, I'm beginning to think you might be a bit of a wild one yourself.
My researchers tell me you're not married anymore.
Divorced, a year ago.
My daughter's left home.
Very much on my own.
I've a lot of free time to devote to the issue of fracking.
On arable land.
I'm Cal McGregor.
We'll be right back.
Mr McGregor.
There's a call for you.
- Fuck off! - Oh, you! These stairs will always be our green room.
Oh, you're a poet! - Nicole Vargas? - Yep.
Caitlin Farquhar.
I'm trying to locate Cleaver Greene for a comment.
- Yeah, what about? - About him being disbarred.
- What? - Haven't you heard? No.
He let rip about Judge Cowper.
Well, yeah, who wouldn't? The man is a trouserless idiot.
Yeah, then he went to dump on the entire judiciary.
Hang on, how did you even get my number? Oh, my partner worked on the Australian Story doco on your partner, Barney.
Yeah, I'm not with Barney anymore.
Oh, that's sad.
Um, sorry, I thought you guys were the real thing, the way he spoke about you.
No, I wasn't in that doco.
That was all about his ex.
Yeah, you didn't make the final cut but he rabbited on about you for hours.
And you What, they didn't use any of it? Oh, well, no.
Go figure.
Um, so Cleaver Greene.
I need to speak to him.
You You get me that footage of him rabbiting on, and I will get you the hard news.
Thank you.
Oh, Cleave, sorry, sorry.
We're just having a little bit of a joke at your expense.
You didn't tell me that you faked a stroke for your final law exam.
We were just reliving that very funny story.
Oh, were we? Well, you you weren't actually there, Jack, from memory.
Didn't get into law.
"Please, someone call an ambulance.
I'm I'm having a stroke!" Sociopathy major, from memory.
No, no, Cleave.
Sorry, Cleaver, mate, sorry.
No harm intended, really.
Just gotta get this.
Sorry.
What, are you just sharing my entire life story here? We're just having a laugh.
Remember that time when you pretended that you'd been shot to stop that guy from giving you a parking ticket? I don't know this one either.
He squashed a pie and sauce on his shirt.
How'd you go at the hearing? Ah, yeah.
OK.
They heard what I had to say, so that's good.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry if I offended you before.
Are you? Really? Look, how much longer do you think you'll be staying here? Just a rough estimate.
It's just, I hate being the one to have to ask you this but Wendy is, you know Yeah, no, I don't.
I have a I have a creeping sensation that you're probably about to tell me, though.
She was wondering, that's all.
I suppose we all are.
You are not a part of the 'we' in this house, alright? You're not a part of the 'us'.
You are, and always will be, an 'it'.
OK.
Look, Wendy and I might be getting back together and I do understand the pain that this must cause you.
The French have a wonderful expression for it.
'La douleur exquise'.
The exquisite pain of not being loved anymore.
The French also have a wonderful expression -- "Why don't you go and get fucked?" But in French, obviously.
- Fuzz? - Give me Give me a second.
- Can I have a word? Can I come in? - No, no, no, no, no.
I'm coming.
Hey, mate, listen, you don't mind having your old man living here with you, do you? - It's pretty weird, isn't it? - Oh, well, I don't I mean, no weirder than having your mum go on the lez.
- That must be pretty strange.
- I think it's pretty cool.
A lot of my friends' mums, they're doing it.
Oh.
And you haven't been around since I was seven so having you just there all of a sudden is just .
.
that's a bit weird.
Well, you were always at me to spend more time with you.
I'm 22.
What's the point now? I don't see what difference age makes.
- No, you wouldn't.
- I mean, you know - Finnegan.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate, I didn't realise Monique was back in the frame.
Oh, my God! Sorry, Cleave, we were going to tell you.
It just sort of happened.
Oh, my God, this is not happening! I know this is going to be hard for you to accept.
- Oh, do you think? - We were going to tell you.
I sort of thought you might be cool with it.
How could I be cool with How could I be cool with this? There's nothing cool about this! Finny reminds me so much of you.
It's like loving you again, but just the good bits.
- Who's Finny? - This is Fuzz, alright? Fuzz, my son! My son! Fuzz! Ohh! This is unconscionable behaviour! Oh, my God! - Hey! Ah, shit! - Do you mind? - Oh, my - Hi, Cleave.
Do you realise that your son is in there with my ex something or other and you're in here with it? - Oh, fuck me! - Turn the light off! What is wrong with this house? You people are like animals! Animals! When were you going to tell me you were disbarred? Oh, probably when it sunk in, you know.
- Yeah, I'm not staying.
- Of course you're not.
Could I grab another water please, mate? So what the hell are you going to do now? You were barely adequate as a lawyer, no offence.
Not sure.
I was thinking, um, have you heard of a company called American Express? Thinking of taking them over, or maybe Time Warner, something.
Mm-hm.
I don't know.
If you need a reference Oh, God, I don't.
Please, anything but that.
Don't worry about me.
I'm getting married.
Oh, well, that's good news.
Oh, thank God.
He needs you.
Oh, no, not to Barney, to the first one.
To Buster? Yep, that is right.
To Buster.
What, after you dumped him at the altar the first Yeah, I don't get it either, but there it is.
- What, he's coming back for more? - There it is.
Jesus, what's wrong with him? Have you told Barney yet? Hey, there's someone here to see you.
Oh, can you - Bye-bye, Cleave.
- Yep, see you later.
Can you not be here right now? Ah, I'm really sorry if I caused you a problem.
Not as sorry as I am.
You knew I was a reporter with a crew.
Unless you say it specifically, everything will be on the record.
Even if you say it's off the record, I will probably report it anyway and just have a minor ethical hiccup later.
Oh, great.
Good to know.
Tell me, were you hurt by your sister's appearance on Cal's program? My sister was on Cal's program? What, has the man got no boredom threshold? Yeah, she wasn't exactly polite about you, either.
Oh, I bet she wasn't.
"My brother, blah, blah since he was five he's been causing trouble.
" Oh.
"He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
" - Bullshit! - It was a demountable and Is she saying this shit on the television? Honestly! What else? She seemed to agree with Cal that you were a, quote, "Walking pustule.
" - A "walking pustule"? - Yeah.
My own sister.
A "walking pustule"? My sister Jane Greene running for the Senate is really pretty funny.
I could get more votes than Jane Greene by doing absolutely nothing.
I could get more votes than her playing pool in a pub with my mouth taped up, and I'm going to prove it.
I'm putting my name down for the Senate.
I'm going to run against my sister, Jane Greene, and that's my only policy, yeah? I have nothing else to offer the Australian public.
I've got no other opinions on anything.
I promise you, name a topic, I'll have nothing else to say about it.
So, that's me, folks.
No ideas, no policies, no bullshit.
So you're seriously putting your name down for the Senate? Absolutely.
On the basis of saying nothing and hating your sister? That's my full campaign.
Cleaver Greene, nothing to say.
In fact Cleaver Greene [nothing to say.
.]
Get a photo.
Get a photo.
How's Cleave taking it? He's in denial.
I mean, he has no other life skills.
Never going to see a cent of the money that he owes me now.
But the law is probably a better place without him.
Oh, things are just changing way too fast.
Lot of things to adjust to.
Starting to see some light again.
I'll come and I'll spend some time with Yianni in the next day or so.
Good.
Yeah, great.
We'd like that.
Which makes this a little bit difficult.
Um Oh, I don't even know how to tell you this.
You've met someone.
I've re-met someone.
- Bevan? - Mmm.
Wow.
He's forgiven you? He's asked me to marry him Again.
Oh, Barney, I even before Scarlet died, I I just I got the feeling that you were moving back to her.
No, no.
Right call.
OK.
Thank you very much.
- Stella, lovely to see meet you.
- Take a seat, Mr Greene.
Do you mind if I call you Cleaver? Please, I'll pretty much answer to anything these days.
Well, now, we are a select employment agency, dealing almost exclusively in the upper end professional market.
Ooh, well, I've come to the right place then.
We're all about fitting someone with the right qualifications and experience into a position that conforms with how they see their future.
Uh-huh.
Now, clearly your age is a bit of a barrier.
Ohh.
Well, plenty of life in the old donk yet.
I would have thought, you know, 30 or 40 good working years ahead of me.
Ooh, you think so? I understand you're a qualified lawyer.
Barrister, actually.
Yes, 20 21 years of hard slog at the bar.
So a silk, I presume? Never applied.
Not interested.
So you're sick of being a barrister? I was an agitator.
I was a force for change.
I was the sand in the vagina of the New South Wales Bar Association and they didn't like it.
I was disbarred, not my fault.
There was a judge who had no pants.
So were you permanently disbarred? You know, the New South Wales Bar Association seems to prefer their judges with no pants on.
So law is not an option of any kind, then? Not Not Not Not practising it, no.
OK, right.
Well, on the bright side, your skills could be enormously helpful in the corporate sector.
Your awareness of contract law - No.
- .
.
and such.
No.
I'm a criminal barrister, Stella.
I'm not I mean, corporate law OK.
How about lecturing? Ahh! Now that, Stella -- that's a great idea.
Mmm.
I've been thinking about that because I've got a head full of ideas, head full of thoughts, lots of anecdotes.
Lots of really funny stories that I think would fire up a youthful imagination.
You know, get their brains firing.
So you know, a tenure at Sydney University or even as far afield as maybe New South Wales Uni on Anzac Parade Did you graduate in the top 5% of your year? Can't remember.
Doesn't ring a bell.
But did you Let's say, what, the top 25%? Oh, look, I I wasn't I was never a girlie swot.
- I mean, I wasn't teacher's pet.
- Mm-hm.
I had a very I was a very good student, if you know what I mean.
Ah.
Well, there are a lot of universities and I don't know, look, maybe you'll have to consider moving to the country.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
It says here you were imprisoned for being an accessory to murder.
What? No! That's Can you get rid of that? That's not It's wrong I mean, I was, I did a year, but it was overturned on appeal.
Uh-huh.
- So, I mean, it wasn't my - Your fault.
I understand.
No, not my fault.
Could you get rid of that? No, I am going to give you a name and address, Mr Greene.
There you go.
What? Oh, so is is that an interview? - Of sorts.
- Great.
Oh, cool.
OK.
Thank you, Stella.
- Absolute pleasure.
- Mr Greene.
- Hey, Cleaver! I'm a believer.
- Me too! Where'd you get that? Wow.
That is really something.
Do you drive? Ah, well, technically I can, yeah.
So you have a car? Ah, well, not as we sit here and speak, no.
But you can get one? Ah, well, there's not much point till I get my licence back.
So no to driving, then.
Well, not just at the moment.
You're the bloke standing for nothing, aren't you? - What? - I saw you.
The Senate.
You're You're running, aren't you? You're running for nothing against your sister.
Oh, sorry.
As you were.
But, ah, if you wouldn't mind getting a little bit of a wriggle on, I've got a lot of issues out here, lot of issues.
And you don't you don't really look like somebody with too much to confess to.
But, ah, in your own time.
Hope I didn't rush you there.
I've just got a truckload of sin.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been Oh, fuck knows, Bobby.
I don't know how long.
- I'm in the shit, mate - It's alright.
Go ahead, my son.
Who's that? That's not you, Bobby.
No, I'm Peter.
I'm the junior priest.
What do you have to confess, my child? My child? You're 11 years old.
- No, I'm 28, mate.
- Well, what use are you gonna be? I mean, what are you gonna be able to tell me about life, or getting older and watching every fuckin' dream you ever had shrivel on the vine? You're no use.
Well, I'm all you've got at the moment, so Well, next time Bobby decides to go on vacation can he just give me a hoy? Send me an SMS or something.
OK, here's the deal.
Yesterday .
.
everything went to shit and some journo sold me down the river and now it's all over.
OK, what's over? My life, OK? Stay with us, Robin.
My life is over, OK? Yesterday I was a successful barrister and today I wake up and I've got nothing.
I've got no income.
I've got no livelihood.
I've got debts out the wazoo.
My ex-wife is shacked up with her ex-lesbian.
My My ex-prostitute is shacked up with my son.
My sister, Gonorrhoea, is running for the Senate and slagging me off in public.
Honestly, I was more optimistic when I was banged up in the big house for murder.
You seem to be focusing on yourself a lot, I feel.
Well, it is a confessional, pal.
Or have I come to the wrong address? OK, sorry, mate, let's talk about you for a minute, and your merry life of abstinence.
No, I'm just saying you might start by noticing other people.
Is that the best you can do? Seriously? "Be kind to others"? Really? It's not Sunday school, mate, or do you kind of just give up on blokes my age, 'cause we're in sort of the too hard basket? No.
It's "If you stare into the abyss long enough, "the abyss will stare back into you.
" Oh, mate, don't poke Nietzsche at me through your little grille.
I will out-Nietzsche you at five paces.
Honestly, is this what they're teaching you in seminary school Did you go to seminary school or did you just kind of do work experience in the Vatican gift shop? Why are you so angry? Boning up in the greeting card section? I'm not charging you to listen to this shit, mate.
Why am I angry? OK, I'm angry because my life is over, alright? I got nothing.
I've got no wife, I've got no family, I've got no I've got nothing.
I've got no occupation.
I've got nothing.
Well, maybe you didn't value them enough in the first place.
Well, I'm .
.
I'm a pretty famous fuckwit.
And I know we don't value the things that we love until we've lost them.
The law was pretty much all I ever had, and .
.
I'm worried about what I'm going to do.
And I feel strangely as if I sleepwalked through the whole thing and now it's gone.
People who live for others, they tend to avoid this problem.
Oh, fuck.
He's off and racing again in the 1,800m Platitude Handicap.
Bobby died six months ago, by the way.
And that elderly woman that you just badgered out of the confessional, she lost her only daughter to breast cancer a week ago.
And unlike you, she remembers every day in the lives of those that she's loved.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I know it's almost midnight, but if he wants a seat then he needs Lyle's preferences, which means he needs to ring me so I can speak to the LPD and get them to give their preferences to the Greens, alright? Hold that thought.
I'm ready for bed.
Jack, would you mind if you slept at your place tonight? Not really.
Why? - I just want a night alone.
- OK.
What's this about? This is just about me needing a night alone.
Mmm.
OK, I understand.
I do think that you need to hear that Cleaver, he's not a part of our narrative.
Oh, God, can you stop with the narrative? It's really It's just a meaningless word that has absolutely no context.
OK.
Wow.
You're sounding like him.
- Well, occasionally he's right.
- Well, I don't want to argue.
Because I love you.
And everything is gonna be alright.
Hold that thought.
'Night.
'Night.
Well, where is he, then? Yeah Maybe he meant down on the beach? Yes, Mama, it is today.
Can you Look, I'll call him.
Can you just please be quiet for one second? Bevan, where are you? Me? I'm in a hotel room waiting for my ride to the airport.
What the hell is this? Revenge.
Eaten cold, with lashings of side salad and mayonnaise.
No, you you've gotta be kidding me.
I've been planning it ever since you walked out on me to live with the bald man and his three kids.
See, how you probably feel now? That's how it felt for me.
Really? I wasn't lying when I said you changed me.
Before you left me I was a very good man.
I loved God, understood my place in this world and I was pretty optimistic about the future.
But then when you pissed off, when you left me high and dry, that day? I became a bad man.
This is insane.
Yeah, maybe, but that's what happens when you fuck with someone's heart, right? I couldn't marry you anyway.
I'm already married, to a nice woman in England.
Mind you, I fuck everything that moves now.
I am a really, really bad person.
You can keep the ring, by the way.
It only cost me 9 at the Paddo Market.
Hey, how'd you go? Do you think I was ever a good man? OK, I'm hearing not very well.
I mean, you've known me for a long time now.
Do you think I was ever good? Ah, well, if by 'good' you mean were you a conventionally nice man who just asked nothing of the world except to love and care for his family then, no, you're not a conventionally good man.
Well, what what percentage bad do you think we're looking at? I mean, you know, if Hitler and Dick Cheney are ten, am I four? No, no, not even.
More like three.
- Oh.
- Or even a two.
Sometimes you get a little bird's-eye glimpse of maybe the way other people see you and you just think, "Holy shit.
" And, you know, half my life's gone.
Well, you have somewhere to stay for a while.
There you are.
We're due at Nat's in about half an hour.
Ah, but I could always cancel if you two need time to talk.
No, it's fine.
Scarlet was my first great love.
Oh, yeah, that'd be bloody right! When we broke up, I was in a kind of fog.
How could anyone be that beautiful and wonderful Oh, you weren't a fucking Casanova in the sack either! You know, I have moves.
You don't even know the half of what I can do.
And then I met Nicole Oh, God, that woman, she I struggle for words.
She transformed my life.
I'd known her for ages and the room always just felt lighter when she entered.
She has this inner beauty that starts at, I don't know, a cellular level.
It didn't.
It actually Shit.
Fuck! .
.
find people attractive, it doesn't necessarily Oh, fuck! Oh, what's with you and all the fuckin' candles? You're really kind of witchy, aren't you? A word or two if I may.
What's the word? Narrative, or some untranslatable French word Are you really standing for the Senate? Yes, I'm standing for the Senate.
Why, you gonna vote for me? I've been tracking your numbers.
Following Twitter, blog responses.
You're, frighteningly, getting some traction.
So are cats playing blackjack.
You actually have enough ground support to make things interesting.
Your whole 'saying nothing meaningful about anything' schtick is resonating with ordinary voters.
Oh look, can you just leave us alone? Just badger me tomorrow, alright? I mean, you must realise, right, that you have absolutely no future whatsoever, Cleaver.
Oh, God.
You are 'monque', as the French would say.
Oh, do they? You have nothing, nothing to offer anybody that they need or want.
You are not even qualified for proper adult employment.
The door.
All of which makes you perfect for politics.
So, with a lot of work, I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent senator.
It's a six-year term, 200K plus expenses, super scheme, Commonwealth drivers, the lot.
Why? What's the catch? You get the fuck out of Wendy's and my life.
You move away, you have nothing more to do with her and I will move heaven and earth to make you a senator.
You've got no other future, Cleaver.
None.
Zero.
Zilch.
So, do we have a deal? If you back my call for legalisation of polygamy, I'd be happy to do a preference deal.
- I'm Cal McGregor.
- Say it again.
Genius.
Milk is a product of rape.
If I could've figured out the perfect murder, you'd be dead by now.
- Get in the car.
- Get out of the car.
Not one word, bitch! You are the most dishonourable piece of shit I have ever met Says the woman who has four times had a paedophile elected to the US Congress.
Suddenly thrust in the spotlight.
Oh, I'm sure you'll do fine.
Just a little ice.
Ice?! She's a little lost, but she said she liked me.
Of course she likes you, she's she's a drug addict! - I feel guilty.
- Why? Because I'm really happy and Barney's a mess and I feel like shit about it.
Dinner and drinks? With who? Jack Claymore.
Jack Claymore? The truth is, he killed her.
Now, this trial always smacked as being a political trial, and it's cost me a lot.
You know what? I don't much feel like cooking dinner tonight.
So I was thinking takeaway.
Let's get in the car and go for a drive.
OK, guys, settle in.
Why can't I sit in the front? Not tonight.
Buckle up.
We got chicken wings in the fridge.
G'day, mate.
Kids.
- Where are you taking them, Barney? - Where are you going, mate? He's taking us out for dinner, Nicole.
But we've got chicken wings inside.
Barney? Hey, come inside, guys.
I think your dad isn't feeling so well.
Come on, I'll cook you up some chicken wings.
So where the hell were you taking them? I'm not sure.
Going to get them some food and maybe drop them off at Scarlet's folks' place.
OK, well, did you call them, Scarlet's folks? No.
Would they be OK to have them? They love 'em.
They never go anywhere.
OK, well, look, let me take them there and Cleaver can stay here with you.
Oh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
I've got a kilo and a half of chicken here, and I got a lesbian ex-wife at home.
I'm I'm good.
I wasn't going to hurt them, if that's what you both think.
OK.
Well, look, I'll I'll go and get them to pack a few things, and we can talk tomorrow.
What about yourself, mate? - What do you mean? - After you'd dropped the kids off.
What were you thinking of doing? They need you, Barnyard.
They're not going to bring themselves up.
I wish that balloon had just kept floating .
.
forever.
Never touched the ground again.
Are you going to be alright here? I don't care how miserable this knob is.
Give me your worst, mate.
Compared to the bloody fallopian melodrama I'm enduring at home, this is a daydream.
Oh, don't forget you're in court at three tomorrow.
You've got Cowper.
Oh, Cowper! Oh there goes the daydream.
I weep, I mourn, I yearn for the days when we had proper laws.
Harsher, more fulsome laws to deal with the sort of heinous crime we have had paraded before the bench today.
Because, Jeffrey Argyle, if our society had not given sway to the mealy-mouthed liberal toadies that infect all levels of this country's administration, I would take pleasure in sentencing you to a life of hard labour, with no hope of parole.
You, sir, would never see sunlight again.
You would never feel the soft caress of a woman's hand stroking your thigh, or the sweet breath on your cheek of the child upon your knee.
I would have preferred to serve on the bench at a time when the death sentence was an option.
But, alas .
.
Jeffrey Argyle, the fact that you pleaded guilty to being drunk and disorderly in a public place does you no service with me.
As we have travailed through your pathetic attempt to defend the indefensible, by cowering behind a guilty plea, makes me shudder.
Ooh, hang down your head Tom Dooley Hang down your head and cry Hang down your head Tom Dooley Poor boy, you're going to Oh, morning.
Ah, these ones, Your Honour.
Morning.
Ah, good morning, Your Honour.
Are you before me today, Browne? Ah, yes, yes, Your Honour, I have that privilege.
Oh.
Wouldn't Your Honour perhaps feel more comfortable in his trousers? Ah, I have a very full day ahead.
- Cleaver.
- Jeffrey.
I'm nervous.
I've never faced a court before.
I'm told they tend to go easy on first timers.
What's going on here? Usual feel-good story.
Some arsehole who strangled his wife.
What about you? Looks like you've been through the mill.
Oh, God, I just had a guy go down for four years for drunk and disorderly.
We had the Honourable Justice Cowper presiding, the recent recipient of the King George III Award for Mental Clarity.
He's got a bit of a reputation, hasn't he, the old Cowper? He's basically nude from the waist down, most days.
I mean, we're pretty lucky to find him in Y-fronts.
Cowper is a big part of everything wrong with justice in this state, and there is a lot wrong with justice in this state.
That man basically had two career paths open to him -- institutionalised care or the bench.
How anybody expects a fair trial while the deranged and the mentally enfeebled are running the show is an abiding mystery.
Every time Cowper opens his mouth, you feel a little part of your brain leak out your arse.
Have you complained about him? Who are you going to complain to? Half the judges in the state are as demented and pantless as he is.
If the public realised what was going on in chambers, there would be a coup.
Tell me you got that.
You can tell him that unless he sticks to the narrative, he can forget my help on election day.
I'm going to leave him hanging like dead meat on a hook.
You know what? The other thing.
I'm not making another phone call for him until he pays his bills.
Sorry.
- Does this ever stop? - Oh! I'm so sorry.
I just wanted a chilled afternoon with you.
- Well, you could turn it off.
- Might just do that.
I don't know if I'm comfortable with this in public yet.
Well, lucky we're not in Saudi Arabia, then.
Do you know, though, I heard that in these parts, it's the new height of fashion.
Sapphic is apparently the new straight.
Oh, God.
Is that what I am? See, I don't know if our connection is just physical or a result of incredibly bad choices in men.
Well, I am choosing to believe the former and I'm very happy to keep trying to make you see that as well.
You know, it can't be much help when you have one of those ex-husbands still living with you.
I mean, refusing to move out! You know the French have the perfect word for men like that -- 'escroc'.
There's no direct translation, but I really think Cleaver's one of them, don't you? Um I might, if I knew what it meant.
That's a very good point.
Um'escroc'.
They I don't know, they they tend to hold people back.
Am I being held back? I want change.
I want it to mean something.
Then let's make it mean something.
Oh, Jack, you wouldn't leave your consultancy.
Yes, I would.
I'm sick of all the power games, the manoeuvring.
You name it, we'll go there.
Yeah, but I don't want to live in a big city like Tokyo or New York.
No, no, no, no, I mean, I'm talking somewhere like, I don't know, um the Bay of Islands.
- Oh - The Kiwi Prime Minister's a mate.
- No! - Or we could just do Tuscany.
I would chuck in everything for you.
- In a heartbeat.
- Are you serious? I don't know how many times I can tell you this.
I've never found anyone to replace you.
Ooh, there they are! My two most favourite people in the whole wide world! I'm so glad you could come.
Hey, Mum.
- Wendy? - Yes? Hold that thought.
What do you want now? You happy with the wine, Cleave? Mm.
Yeah, it's fine, thanks, Dave.
If you'd like to move on to something else, just say the word.
They have a very good cellar here.
Happy where I am.
'Cause I don't mind.
It's all good.
All good, thank you.
Least I can do.
Ah, did I tell you the party's come back to me? Offered me fourth place on their Senate ticket.
Anybody ever get voted in from fourth place on a Senate ballot, mate? Occasionally they do.
They probably just offered it up out of pity, or guilt.
Most likely.
They're a pack of bastards, anyway.
Why would anybody ever go into federal politics, mate? I mean, you'd have to be farming mad or my sister.
- But I've repeated myself.
- Well, maybe.
Still, it's a way forward for me.
And you? What's the future hold for you? Oh, well, more of the glittering same, I suppose.
Judges without trousers.
Oh, you've had Cowper.
I'll continue to defend the indefensible.
Letting people out on the streets who should be locked up for life.
Oh, mate, this is dreadful.
I mean, this is terrible, isn't it? Apart from being inexplicable sperm brothers, we have absolutely nothing in common, do we? Not a thing.
This is a waste of a perfectly good lunch.
Certainly is for me.
I mean, these are minutes we'll never get back.
- I just thought I should thank you.
- Well, you paid me.
Enough.
I am grateful.
Yeah, but don't let your gratitude get in the road of our long-term misunderstanding.
I mean, it's creepy.
It's freaking me out.
Do you mind if I take this to another table? Oh, please.
Thank you.
- Oh, yes.
- Could I sit here? Mate, could I get something else? Anything else? This is complete cat's piss.
Nicole, will you kindly accompany me, please? No! How do I know you're not a weird serial killer? Here.
"The first thing she will ask is, "'How do I know you're not a serial killer?' "Tell her to learn to trust.
" Bevan? Mama! Mama! No, I'm closing the door.
Watch your fingers.
Oh, my God! Who are you? You were never this stylish.
- I'm a changed man.
- Yes, you are.
And it was you who changed me.
Ahh! Here.
Oh, thank you very much.
Lovely.
OK, under this one - .
.
we have simple sliced fruit.
- Right.
- This, Tasmanian oysters.
- Beautiful.
And poached barramundi.
Oh! And in here .
.
24-carat ruby setting.
So for the second time, Nicole Vargas .
.
will you bloody marry me? Oh, my God.
Are you sure that this is what you want? I mean, I completely stuffed you around the last time.
You did.
But I have wanted you ever since we first met 16 years ago.
But this time, no big church wedding.
A beach maybe.
What do you say? I'm sorry.
OK, OK, it's safe now? - Go ahead.
- Righto.
Oh, my goodness, Bevan.
Yes? Yes, yes.
Yes.
You're so much better at this than your father.
I could beat him when I was ten.
- Better at what? - Backgammon.
Since when did you play board games? Oh, we're all playing it now.
Jack put us onto this great new app.
It's pretty fast.
Double six! You're so screwed.
You think you're so smart.
Why would you play backgammon on a teensy little auditory device, not even looking at one another, when there's a perfectly good board in the cabinet? It's called the 21st century, Cleave.
Ow! No, you stop it! Oh, I'm in the bath, Fuzz! - It's me.
- Oh, hi, Cleave.
I need the bathroom.
Go and feed the lemon tree.
I don't think it'll want what I've got to offer.
Sorry, we were just having a really good soak.
Ohh! Sid.
No, he doesn't open his mouth unless it's to say exactly what I put in there, OK? - We're going to the theatre.
- Ooh.
Thought they invented film to get around the problem of theatre.
- You too, huh? - Really? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's been part of my regime for a while now.
Is Jack Jack coming? No, she's on a conference call with DC.
DC? Wonder what that stands for.
- The mind boggles.
- Enjoy your run.
I'll pace you.
I like to run in bursts, and then pull it right back, you know.
You get a better cardio You're probably just burning off muscle now.
Did a couple of couple of extra loops and came back around the lake.
Oh, God! So Is this stuff with you and Jack bullshit or bullshit? It's none of your business.
Well, I think I've got some rights, haven't I? No, you don't.
You don't have any rights.
Well, I mean, is it just a sort of brief, city break vacation on the Isle of Lesbos, or have you crossed over the River Penis forever? - Ohh! - Huh? I'll do a couple of extra loops and I'll see you at home.
Fuckin' ibises.
That last 5 kays is a killer, isn't it? Oh, my God! I know, right? The Japanese! They're just, like, crazy.
Hey, Cleave, Jack's got us some croissants, if you want one.
Oh, what happened to all your kale and compost and keen keen .
.
quina-whoa-ha shakes? Oh, I think my Wendy deserves a treat every now and then, don't you? Mmm.
You have just run 8 kay, and I think you look bloody stunning.
So I got these croissants from a market in Moore Park.
Oh, God, I love that place.
Well, the four of us should go next market day.
Yes.
And you can come too if you like, Cleaver.
So, what, there are farmers in Moore Park growing acres of fresh croissants, are there? Hectares now, Cleave.
I was going to plant some eclairs myself, but you need the rainfall.
Oh, very brave words, what you said about Cowper.
- Was that wise? - What do you mean? How do you know what I said about Cowper? Leading Sydney barrister Cleaver Greene openly criticised the state's legal system, in particular deriding its judiciary.
At least they called you 'leading'.
Cowper is part of everything that is wrong with justice in this state and there is a lot wrong with justice in this state.
- That man - Ooh, brave words indeed.
I thought you weren't allowed to say stuff like this? Yeah, how is this going to go down with the Bar Association? Well, I didn't know she was recording, obviously.
How could you not notice the cameras? .
.
mentally enfeebled are running the show is an abiding mystery.
Every time Cowper opens his mouth, you feel a little part of your brain leak out your arse.
Oh, no.
You can't deny saying it.
It's all over the net for the whole world to see.
Yeah, look, I .
.
I thought I was having a private conversation with a You spoke to a reporter, a cameraman and a microphone.
Unconscionable behaviour.
Uncons Have Have any of you spent any time recently in the company of the Honourable Justice Cowper? He is a judge of the highest standing.
He's a man who forgets to put his trousers on in public.
He just gave my client four years for drunk and disorderly.
Which was later suspended.
Oh, so that's your defence, is it? What, you get a lunatic judgement and then you get a sane judge to suspend it? Is that our system at work? The simple fact, Mr Greene, is that you have once again brought this bar into disrepute.
Your behaviour is unconscionable.
Look, OK, fine, fine.
What am I up for, a month? Mr Greene, we are terminating your membership of this bar.
Terminating? Oh, come now, Mr Greene, you're a barrister.
You ought to know the meaning of the word.
Or should I say, you were a barrister.
- No.
- Yes.
- Well, you can't You can't! - We can.
- And we have.
- Are you fuckin' kidding me? You suspended me once for two months for being in possession of coke in the court toilets, which is an actual crime, and now you're going to going to take away my whole livelihood for speaking the truth! Honestly, the first time I've ever actually publicly given a shit about the parlous state of this profession, and you fruit bats are gonna do this to me? Farewell, Mr Greene, for the very last time.
And the question is, how long do we tolerate these helmeted creatures, these lycra-clad lunatics weaving in and out of our cars, slowing traffic to a misery and spitting at us if, God forbid, we accidentally open a car door and collect one of 'em.
But joining me now on the program, back by popular demand, is the, may I say, lovely Jane Greene.
Welcome back, Jane.
Delighted to be here, Cal.
Really? That's That's very nice to hear that.
Jane, I know thousands of our viewers were very excited about hearing your policy stance last time.
Oh, not just mine, the whole party's.
I hope this recent brouhaha with your brother hasn't caused You know, Cal, my brother has no politics.
I don't know what he thinks about anything.
And I'd like to talk today about the absurdity of fracking on the last few acres of arable land in this country.
Yep, sure, sure.
I want to get on to fracking with you.
But your brother's recent comments about a judge of very high standing must have been a bit of a shock for you? No, he's been causing trouble ever since he was five.
He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
Good God, then you were the good one of the family.
I got up to a bit of mischief myself.
Oh, yeah, what sort of mischief? Not telling you, Cal.
You know, I'm beginning to think you might be a bit of a wild one yourself.
My researchers tell me you're not married anymore.
Divorced, a year ago.
My daughter's left home.
Very much on my own.
I've a lot of free time to devote to the issue of fracking.
On arable land.
I'm Cal McGregor.
We'll be right back.
Mr McGregor.
There's a call for you.
- Fuck off! - Oh, you! These stairs will always be our green room.
Oh, you're a poet! - Nicole Vargas? - Yep.
Caitlin Farquhar.
I'm trying to locate Cleaver Greene for a comment.
- Yeah, what about? - About him being disbarred.
- What? - Haven't you heard? No.
He let rip about Judge Cowper.
Well, yeah, who wouldn't? The man is a trouserless idiot.
Yeah, then he went to dump on the entire judiciary.
Hang on, how did you even get my number? Oh, my partner worked on the Australian Story doco on your partner, Barney.
Yeah, I'm not with Barney anymore.
Oh, that's sad.
Um, sorry, I thought you guys were the real thing, the way he spoke about you.
No, I wasn't in that doco.
That was all about his ex.
Yeah, you didn't make the final cut but he rabbited on about you for hours.
And you What, they didn't use any of it? Oh, well, no.
Go figure.
Um, so Cleaver Greene.
I need to speak to him.
You You get me that footage of him rabbiting on, and I will get you the hard news.
Thank you.
Oh, Cleave, sorry, sorry.
We're just having a little bit of a joke at your expense.
You didn't tell me that you faked a stroke for your final law exam.
We were just reliving that very funny story.
Oh, were we? Well, you you weren't actually there, Jack, from memory.
Didn't get into law.
"Please, someone call an ambulance.
I'm I'm having a stroke!" Sociopathy major, from memory.
No, no, Cleave.
Sorry, Cleaver, mate, sorry.
No harm intended, really.
Just gotta get this.
Sorry.
What, are you just sharing my entire life story here? We're just having a laugh.
Remember that time when you pretended that you'd been shot to stop that guy from giving you a parking ticket? I don't know this one either.
He squashed a pie and sauce on his shirt.
How'd you go at the hearing? Ah, yeah.
OK.
They heard what I had to say, so that's good.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry if I offended you before.
Are you? Really? Look, how much longer do you think you'll be staying here? Just a rough estimate.
It's just, I hate being the one to have to ask you this but Wendy is, you know Yeah, no, I don't.
I have a I have a creeping sensation that you're probably about to tell me, though.
She was wondering, that's all.
I suppose we all are.
You are not a part of the 'we' in this house, alright? You're not a part of the 'us'.
You are, and always will be, an 'it'.
OK.
Look, Wendy and I might be getting back together and I do understand the pain that this must cause you.
The French have a wonderful expression for it.
'La douleur exquise'.
The exquisite pain of not being loved anymore.
The French also have a wonderful expression -- "Why don't you go and get fucked?" But in French, obviously.
- Fuzz? - Give me Give me a second.
- Can I have a word? Can I come in? - No, no, no, no, no.
I'm coming.
Hey, mate, listen, you don't mind having your old man living here with you, do you? - It's pretty weird, isn't it? - Oh, well, I don't I mean, no weirder than having your mum go on the lez.
- That must be pretty strange.
- I think it's pretty cool.
A lot of my friends' mums, they're doing it.
Oh.
And you haven't been around since I was seven so having you just there all of a sudden is just .
.
that's a bit weird.
Well, you were always at me to spend more time with you.
I'm 22.
What's the point now? I don't see what difference age makes.
- No, you wouldn't.
- I mean, you know - Finnegan.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry, mate, I didn't realise Monique was back in the frame.
Oh, my God! Sorry, Cleave, we were going to tell you.
It just sort of happened.
Oh, my God, this is not happening! I know this is going to be hard for you to accept.
- Oh, do you think? - We were going to tell you.
I sort of thought you might be cool with it.
How could I be cool with How could I be cool with this? There's nothing cool about this! Finny reminds me so much of you.
It's like loving you again, but just the good bits.
- Who's Finny? - This is Fuzz, alright? Fuzz, my son! My son! Fuzz! Ohh! This is unconscionable behaviour! Oh, my God! - Hey! Ah, shit! - Do you mind? - Oh, my - Hi, Cleave.
Do you realise that your son is in there with my ex something or other and you're in here with it? - Oh, fuck me! - Turn the light off! What is wrong with this house? You people are like animals! Animals! When were you going to tell me you were disbarred? Oh, probably when it sunk in, you know.
- Yeah, I'm not staying.
- Of course you're not.
Could I grab another water please, mate? So what the hell are you going to do now? You were barely adequate as a lawyer, no offence.
Not sure.
I was thinking, um, have you heard of a company called American Express? Thinking of taking them over, or maybe Time Warner, something.
Mm-hm.
I don't know.
If you need a reference Oh, God, I don't.
Please, anything but that.
Don't worry about me.
I'm getting married.
Oh, well, that's good news.
Oh, thank God.
He needs you.
Oh, no, not to Barney, to the first one.
To Buster? Yep, that is right.
To Buster.
What, after you dumped him at the altar the first Yeah, I don't get it either, but there it is.
- What, he's coming back for more? - There it is.
Jesus, what's wrong with him? Have you told Barney yet? Hey, there's someone here to see you.
Oh, can you - Bye-bye, Cleave.
- Yep, see you later.
Can you not be here right now? Ah, I'm really sorry if I caused you a problem.
Not as sorry as I am.
You knew I was a reporter with a crew.
Unless you say it specifically, everything will be on the record.
Even if you say it's off the record, I will probably report it anyway and just have a minor ethical hiccup later.
Oh, great.
Good to know.
Tell me, were you hurt by your sister's appearance on Cal's program? My sister was on Cal's program? What, has the man got no boredom threshold? Yeah, she wasn't exactly polite about you, either.
Oh, I bet she wasn't.
"My brother, blah, blah since he was five he's been causing trouble.
" Oh.
"He tried to burn down our local high school when he was 13.
" - Bullshit! - It was a demountable and Is she saying this shit on the television? Honestly! What else? She seemed to agree with Cal that you were a, quote, "Walking pustule.
" - A "walking pustule"? - Yeah.
My own sister.
A "walking pustule"? My sister Jane Greene running for the Senate is really pretty funny.
I could get more votes than Jane Greene by doing absolutely nothing.
I could get more votes than her playing pool in a pub with my mouth taped up, and I'm going to prove it.
I'm putting my name down for the Senate.
I'm going to run against my sister, Jane Greene, and that's my only policy, yeah? I have nothing else to offer the Australian public.
I've got no other opinions on anything.
I promise you, name a topic, I'll have nothing else to say about it.
So, that's me, folks.
No ideas, no policies, no bullshit.
So you're seriously putting your name down for the Senate? Absolutely.
On the basis of saying nothing and hating your sister? That's my full campaign.
Cleaver Greene, nothing to say.
In fact Cleaver Greene [nothing to say.
.]
Get a photo.
Get a photo.
How's Cleave taking it? He's in denial.
I mean, he has no other life skills.
Never going to see a cent of the money that he owes me now.
But the law is probably a better place without him.
Oh, things are just changing way too fast.
Lot of things to adjust to.
Starting to see some light again.
I'll come and I'll spend some time with Yianni in the next day or so.
Good.
Yeah, great.
We'd like that.
Which makes this a little bit difficult.
Um Oh, I don't even know how to tell you this.
You've met someone.
I've re-met someone.
- Bevan? - Mmm.
Wow.
He's forgiven you? He's asked me to marry him Again.
Oh, Barney, I even before Scarlet died, I I just I got the feeling that you were moving back to her.
No, no.
Right call.
OK.
Thank you very much.
- Stella, lovely to see meet you.
- Take a seat, Mr Greene.
Do you mind if I call you Cleaver? Please, I'll pretty much answer to anything these days.
Well, now, we are a select employment agency, dealing almost exclusively in the upper end professional market.
Ooh, well, I've come to the right place then.
We're all about fitting someone with the right qualifications and experience into a position that conforms with how they see their future.
Uh-huh.
Now, clearly your age is a bit of a barrier.
Ohh.
Well, plenty of life in the old donk yet.
I would have thought, you know, 30 or 40 good working years ahead of me.
Ooh, you think so? I understand you're a qualified lawyer.
Barrister, actually.
Yes, 20 21 years of hard slog at the bar.
So a silk, I presume? Never applied.
Not interested.
So you're sick of being a barrister? I was an agitator.
I was a force for change.
I was the sand in the vagina of the New South Wales Bar Association and they didn't like it.
I was disbarred, not my fault.
There was a judge who had no pants.
So were you permanently disbarred? You know, the New South Wales Bar Association seems to prefer their judges with no pants on.
So law is not an option of any kind, then? Not Not Not Not practising it, no.
OK, right.
Well, on the bright side, your skills could be enormously helpful in the corporate sector.
Your awareness of contract law - No.
- .
.
and such.
No.
I'm a criminal barrister, Stella.
I'm not I mean, corporate law OK.
How about lecturing? Ahh! Now that, Stella -- that's a great idea.
Mmm.
I've been thinking about that because I've got a head full of ideas, head full of thoughts, lots of anecdotes.
Lots of really funny stories that I think would fire up a youthful imagination.
You know, get their brains firing.
So you know, a tenure at Sydney University or even as far afield as maybe New South Wales Uni on Anzac Parade Did you graduate in the top 5% of your year? Can't remember.
Doesn't ring a bell.
But did you Let's say, what, the top 25%? Oh, look, I I wasn't I was never a girlie swot.
- I mean, I wasn't teacher's pet.
- Mm-hm.
I had a very I was a very good student, if you know what I mean.
Ah.
Well, there are a lot of universities and I don't know, look, maybe you'll have to consider moving to the country.
Yeah, that's not going to happen.
It says here you were imprisoned for being an accessory to murder.
What? No! That's Can you get rid of that? That's not It's wrong I mean, I was, I did a year, but it was overturned on appeal.
Uh-huh.
- So, I mean, it wasn't my - Your fault.
I understand.
No, not my fault.
Could you get rid of that? No, I am going to give you a name and address, Mr Greene.
There you go.
What? Oh, so is is that an interview? - Of sorts.
- Great.
Oh, cool.
OK.
Thank you, Stella.
- Absolute pleasure.
- Mr Greene.
- Hey, Cleaver! I'm a believer.
- Me too! Where'd you get that? Wow.
That is really something.
Do you drive? Ah, well, technically I can, yeah.
So you have a car? Ah, well, not as we sit here and speak, no.
But you can get one? Ah, well, there's not much point till I get my licence back.
So no to driving, then.
Well, not just at the moment.
You're the bloke standing for nothing, aren't you? - What? - I saw you.
The Senate.
You're You're running, aren't you? You're running for nothing against your sister.
Oh, sorry.
As you were.
But, ah, if you wouldn't mind getting a little bit of a wriggle on, I've got a lot of issues out here, lot of issues.
And you don't you don't really look like somebody with too much to confess to.
But, ah, in your own time.
Hope I didn't rush you there.
I've just got a truckload of sin.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been Oh, fuck knows, Bobby.
I don't know how long.
- I'm in the shit, mate - It's alright.
Go ahead, my son.
Who's that? That's not you, Bobby.
No, I'm Peter.
I'm the junior priest.
What do you have to confess, my child? My child? You're 11 years old.
- No, I'm 28, mate.
- Well, what use are you gonna be? I mean, what are you gonna be able to tell me about life, or getting older and watching every fuckin' dream you ever had shrivel on the vine? You're no use.
Well, I'm all you've got at the moment, so Well, next time Bobby decides to go on vacation can he just give me a hoy? Send me an SMS or something.
OK, here's the deal.
Yesterday .
.
everything went to shit and some journo sold me down the river and now it's all over.
OK, what's over? My life, OK? Stay with us, Robin.
My life is over, OK? Yesterday I was a successful barrister and today I wake up and I've got nothing.
I've got no income.
I've got no livelihood.
I've got debts out the wazoo.
My ex-wife is shacked up with her ex-lesbian.
My My ex-prostitute is shacked up with my son.
My sister, Gonorrhoea, is running for the Senate and slagging me off in public.
Honestly, I was more optimistic when I was banged up in the big house for murder.
You seem to be focusing on yourself a lot, I feel.
Well, it is a confessional, pal.
Or have I come to the wrong address? OK, sorry, mate, let's talk about you for a minute, and your merry life of abstinence.
No, I'm just saying you might start by noticing other people.
Is that the best you can do? Seriously? "Be kind to others"? Really? It's not Sunday school, mate, or do you kind of just give up on blokes my age, 'cause we're in sort of the too hard basket? No.
It's "If you stare into the abyss long enough, "the abyss will stare back into you.
" Oh, mate, don't poke Nietzsche at me through your little grille.
I will out-Nietzsche you at five paces.
Honestly, is this what they're teaching you in seminary school Did you go to seminary school or did you just kind of do work experience in the Vatican gift shop? Why are you so angry? Boning up in the greeting card section? I'm not charging you to listen to this shit, mate.
Why am I angry? OK, I'm angry because my life is over, alright? I got nothing.
I've got no wife, I've got no family, I've got no I've got nothing.
I've got no occupation.
I've got nothing.
Well, maybe you didn't value them enough in the first place.
Well, I'm .
.
I'm a pretty famous fuckwit.
And I know we don't value the things that we love until we've lost them.
The law was pretty much all I ever had, and .
.
I'm worried about what I'm going to do.
And I feel strangely as if I sleepwalked through the whole thing and now it's gone.
People who live for others, they tend to avoid this problem.
Oh, fuck.
He's off and racing again in the 1,800m Platitude Handicap.
Bobby died six months ago, by the way.
And that elderly woman that you just badgered out of the confessional, she lost her only daughter to breast cancer a week ago.
And unlike you, she remembers every day in the lives of those that she's loved.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
I know it's almost midnight, but if he wants a seat then he needs Lyle's preferences, which means he needs to ring me so I can speak to the LPD and get them to give their preferences to the Greens, alright? Hold that thought.
I'm ready for bed.
Jack, would you mind if you slept at your place tonight? Not really.
Why? - I just want a night alone.
- OK.
What's this about? This is just about me needing a night alone.
Mmm.
OK, I understand.
I do think that you need to hear that Cleaver, he's not a part of our narrative.
Oh, God, can you stop with the narrative? It's really It's just a meaningless word that has absolutely no context.
OK.
Wow.
You're sounding like him.
- Well, occasionally he's right.
- Well, I don't want to argue.
Because I love you.
And everything is gonna be alright.
Hold that thought.
'Night.
'Night.
Well, where is he, then? Yeah Maybe he meant down on the beach? Yes, Mama, it is today.
Can you Look, I'll call him.
Can you just please be quiet for one second? Bevan, where are you? Me? I'm in a hotel room waiting for my ride to the airport.
What the hell is this? Revenge.
Eaten cold, with lashings of side salad and mayonnaise.
No, you you've gotta be kidding me.
I've been planning it ever since you walked out on me to live with the bald man and his three kids.
See, how you probably feel now? That's how it felt for me.
Really? I wasn't lying when I said you changed me.
Before you left me I was a very good man.
I loved God, understood my place in this world and I was pretty optimistic about the future.
But then when you pissed off, when you left me high and dry, that day? I became a bad man.
This is insane.
Yeah, maybe, but that's what happens when you fuck with someone's heart, right? I couldn't marry you anyway.
I'm already married, to a nice woman in England.
Mind you, I fuck everything that moves now.
I am a really, really bad person.
You can keep the ring, by the way.
It only cost me 9 at the Paddo Market.
Hey, how'd you go? Do you think I was ever a good man? OK, I'm hearing not very well.
I mean, you've known me for a long time now.
Do you think I was ever good? Ah, well, if by 'good' you mean were you a conventionally nice man who just asked nothing of the world except to love and care for his family then, no, you're not a conventionally good man.
Well, what what percentage bad do you think we're looking at? I mean, you know, if Hitler and Dick Cheney are ten, am I four? No, no, not even.
More like three.
- Oh.
- Or even a two.
Sometimes you get a little bird's-eye glimpse of maybe the way other people see you and you just think, "Holy shit.
" And, you know, half my life's gone.
Well, you have somewhere to stay for a while.
There you are.
We're due at Nat's in about half an hour.
Ah, but I could always cancel if you two need time to talk.
No, it's fine.
Scarlet was my first great love.
Oh, yeah, that'd be bloody right! When we broke up, I was in a kind of fog.
How could anyone be that beautiful and wonderful Oh, you weren't a fucking Casanova in the sack either! You know, I have moves.
You don't even know the half of what I can do.
And then I met Nicole Oh, God, that woman, she I struggle for words.
She transformed my life.
I'd known her for ages and the room always just felt lighter when she entered.
She has this inner beauty that starts at, I don't know, a cellular level.
It didn't.
It actually Shit.
Fuck! .
.
find people attractive, it doesn't necessarily Oh, fuck! Oh, what's with you and all the fuckin' candles? You're really kind of witchy, aren't you? A word or two if I may.
What's the word? Narrative, or some untranslatable French word Are you really standing for the Senate? Yes, I'm standing for the Senate.
Why, you gonna vote for me? I've been tracking your numbers.
Following Twitter, blog responses.
You're, frighteningly, getting some traction.
So are cats playing blackjack.
You actually have enough ground support to make things interesting.
Your whole 'saying nothing meaningful about anything' schtick is resonating with ordinary voters.
Oh look, can you just leave us alone? Just badger me tomorrow, alright? I mean, you must realise, right, that you have absolutely no future whatsoever, Cleaver.
Oh, God.
You are 'monque', as the French would say.
Oh, do they? You have nothing, nothing to offer anybody that they need or want.
You are not even qualified for proper adult employment.
The door.
All of which makes you perfect for politics.
So, with a lot of work, I'm prepared to try and secure you a seat as an independent senator.
It's a six-year term, 200K plus expenses, super scheme, Commonwealth drivers, the lot.
Why? What's the catch? You get the fuck out of Wendy's and my life.
You move away, you have nothing more to do with her and I will move heaven and earth to make you a senator.
You've got no other future, Cleaver.
None.
Zero.
Zilch.
So, do we have a deal? If you back my call for legalisation of polygamy, I'd be happy to do a preference deal.
- I'm Cal McGregor.
- Say it again.
Genius.
Milk is a product of rape.
If I could've figured out the perfect murder, you'd be dead by now.
- Get in the car.
- Get out of the car.
Not one word, bitch! You are the most dishonourable piece of shit I have ever met Says the woman who has four times had a paedophile elected to the US Congress.