Son of a Critch (2022) s04e07 Episode Script

1
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
The only place to creep
a stranger's private
photos before the Internet
was in the camera shop window.
Oh, look!
Those people went to Florida.
Oh, wow, that's a weird-lookin' baby.
- What?
- Well, it is.
RITCHE: Oh, oh, look! Ice cream cake!
Ooh, look!
Oh don't, don't!
[GIGGLES]
- Wha who even takes that?
- I don't know.
RITCHE: Thank you.
I'm getting pretty good at photography.
I got some really great shots.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Back then,
you never knew what you had
until they were developed.
Unfortunately, the photo shop
did not have "Photoshop."
Some of these are pretty avant garde.
You mean terrible?
I got doubles. You guys want?
- No, no, thanks.
- No, thanks, we're good.
- We're good.
- Yeah.
RITCHE: Okay.
Hey, Dick.
This, uh, box came for ya.
DICK: Holy frig!
Me records are here!
"Don't be a Dick," by Dick Dunphy.
One for you
One for you.
Good God!
You should be playin'
songs, Dick, not singin' 'em.
MIKE JR: Oh, lots of DJs
make their own songs, Dad.
I mean, there's Wolfman Jack,
Rick Dees" the "Disco Duck"
What if it's no good?
Hey, come on
There's only one way to find out!
Hello, my lovelies!
It's Dick Dunphy here, with my new song,
"Don't be a Dick."
[SONG WITH FAST BEAT PLAYING]
There was a boy named Richard ♪
His parents called him Rick ♪
His brudders called him Ricky ♪
But those names, they did not stick ♪
His mudder said be
careful, news travels quick ♪
You can be most anything,
but don't be a dick ♪
Oh, this is a hit!
New owner's pushing us to do more promo.
First he got me doin' that song,
now he's got your dad writin' a book!
Okay
Whoa Dad, you're writing a book?
Ah, it's just some more
free promo, you know?
They want something by the
grocery store check-outs.
It's just free advertising.
Oh, come on, you're great with words!
It'll be a cinch for you.
Don't be a dick, my
son, don't be a dick ♪
Rick, Ricky, Richard,
well, they all have a kick ♪
Oh, don't be a dick, my
son, don't be a dick ♪
[INDISTINCT LYRICS]
A coffee, please.
Coffee's free. It's seniors' day.
I'll have you know
that I still get carded
at the liquor store.
I am not a friggin' senior!
Here.
I I can't, ma'am.
"Ma'am"?
I'm a "miss."
A "missus," maybe, but I am no "ma'am"!
[SLAMS MONEY DOWN]
♪
Oh
Aw
MAN: Excuse me, miss?
- "Miss"?
- [MAGICAL MUSIC]
You are so beautiful.
Oh!
May I take your photo?
Ah?
So, we'll come this way.
Oh!
Merci beau-cule, mes amis.
Okay, it's "merci beaucoup."
"Merci, beau cul" means,
"thanks, nice butt."
Well, merci beau cul, mes amis.
- Stop.
- What?
Maybe your French isn't good enough
to be the lead in a French play.
I learn my lines phonetically.
Yeah, you guys are gonna bomb.
Wish I could come watch.
RITCHE: We get to spend
seven hours in a bus,
and you're gonna miss it.
MARK: No, it's a real tour!
We're gonna be playing
the biggest French school
in the entire Catholic school district,
staying in a hotel, like real actors!
It'll be amazing!
But but probably
super boring, right
All I ever do is work.
My high school memories will
be fake barf and lava lamps.
We'll make our own memories, right?
Let's take a photo.
Sorry, there are only
27 shots in a roll,
- and I gotta be selective.
- Take it!
[SIGHS]
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Madam, you are a natural beauty.
I should get my groceries home.
You must have done some
modelling in the past.
Well, actually
I was in the Miss
Newfoundland pageant once,
but I had to drop out when I got
When I became a mom.
It's free!
You just pay for any photos you order.
No harm in that, I guess.
Okay!
[CHUCKLES PLAYFULLY]
♪
"Details are
Scanty.
"A life in news
By Mike Critch."
[TYPEWRITER DINGS]
"Chapter one"
[STOPS TYPING]
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
Bit of a wobble there.
What you doing?
Be quiet.
- Hm?
- I'm trying to write!
Oh what you writing?
My memoirs.
Ooh!
[TYPING]
[STOPS TYPING]
You finished?
Look, I can't concentrate
with all this racket!
Mm-hm alright.
Want a cup of tea?
No.
I'll leave you to it, then.
♪
Actually, a cup of tea would be nice.
SHOPKEEPER: What does madam think?
I love it.
How many can I put you down for?
Oh, just this one is fine.
Thank you so much!
[GIGGLES] Bye, now!
[AUDIENCE SHOUTING AND JEERING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): The French
hadn't seen a bomb like this
since Napoleon.
Bienvenue.
Je m'appelle Michelle.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
MARK: Uh, nous fais-ons
un spec-tacle pour
Vous !
Et et la
Line? Uh
[QUIETLY] "Je suis Monsieur Lapin."
Je suis Monsieur Lapin !
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
MR. LEWIS: Well
That was terrible.
Here.
Two to a room.
Stay away from the mini bars.
No partying.
And if you need me, I'm
gonna be in the lounge.
Do not go in the bar no matter what.
I don't wanna know
what ye crowd are doing,
and I sure as hell don't want
you to know what I'm doing.
Anyway, you kids just behave yourselves.
Lobby call, 7:15 am, sharp.
Okay?
Now, fair play, I might
be a little late, yeah?
Right. You're on your own! Giddy-up!
KID: Whoa, look at that!
RITCHE: Yeah, I got it.
[BOSSA NOVA MUSIC]
[ICE CUBES CLINKING]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Life on the road.
Debauchery at every turn.
Mini bars full of pop and chocolate.
Scrambled adult movies
that you had to be like
a safe-cracker to see.
[LAUGHTER AND YELLING]
It's crazy out there!
I'm finally gonna get some good photos!
[LAUGHTER AND YELLING]
KID: Run faster! Go!
[LAUGHTER AND YELLING CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): Ritche was
now a war zone photographer.
KID: Faster! Faster!
[LAUGHTER AND YELLING CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.): I had
my own battle to wage.
[TV STATIC]
[ALTERNATIVE ROCK MUSIC]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
MIKE JR: Hey, do you have any turkey?
- Hmm?
- Ooh, what's this?
I nothing.
I didn't know you could
do that with your face!
You mean posing?
I used to do some
modelling just for fun.
You were a model?
Is that so hard to believe?
Oh
"Miss Newfoundland contestant
Mary bell of St. John's
poses in a coat from Ayre's."
My God, Mom, you used
to be really pretty!
Used to be?
I I
You still are. It's just you're
You're mom pretty.
No, I
I I didn't
Well
What is it you're after? Turkey?
Jimmy it to the left a little!
I think I see a boob!
[TV STATIC]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Coming.
[TV STATIC IN BACKGROUND]
Can I come in?
RITCHE: Whoa! Oh my God!
Uh, we we were just
Sure, yeah.
[TV STATIC CONTINUES]
CARA: Oh, can I talk to you in private?
I promise it won't take long.
Sorry, buddy, we're gonna need the room.
[QUIETLY] So close.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[CRYING]
Whoa what's wrong?
I just needed a break.
The girls are making fun
of me because I don't know
the names of any new kids on the block.
Here.
Thanks.
I can also offer you a pen,
a notepad, a toblerone?
I can't believe this is happening again.
I was getting bullied
so bad at my last school,
I had to switch.
Girls always say I'm weird because
I don't care about boys or makeup.
I care about things that matter!
Social justice, women's rights.
Poetry!
[POIGNANT MUSIC]
Why don't I
Go?
Stay a little longer?
Just until the other girls are asleep.
Sure.
So, anyway,
when I was at my old school
[POP GRUMBLING]
Would you stop?
- Stop what?
- Your breathing.
You know, that's not up to you.
That's up to God.
I'm trying to write.
Alright. Alright, then, come on.
Read out what you've written so far.
"October 14th, 1943, I
flew to Thule, Greenland
with the American forces.
The plane touched down
October 15th at 0600 hours.
"It was an overnight flight across"
Hello, God, can I stop breathing now?
What's wrong with that?
Bo-o-ring!
Go on, read on.
"In 1959, I was approached by Joe Murphy
to fill in as weekend
newsman at VOCM Radio."
Oh, Jesus, just spice it up a bit!
Come on, you weren't approached.
You were begged.
You were seduced.
I mean, what the hell
is the matter with you?
You sit there all day writing
news stories about what?
Fender benders and salmonella warnings,
as if it's World War
III and the coronation!
That's news. This isn't news, it's
Olds.
Looking back, I feel like
I haven't done much at all.
Well, you're not wrong there.
Come on, let me have a look.
Oh, dear
Good God.
Oh, look at this nonsense.
Pfft!
Yeah, I'm really excited to do it.
I'm kind of scared
ADULT MARK (V.O.): There's
nothing like a sleepover
to bring two kids closer together.
It's like the real world disappears,
and all that's left are
the secrets that you share.
CARA: Iced tea, apple juice
Eugh, iced tea? [INDISTINCT]
I just love reading.
I used to not like it
[VOICE FADES OUT]
♪
ANNOUNCER (TV): This
concludes our broadcast day.
[DOOR OPENS]
[RINGING SOUND ON TV]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[OFF-AIR SINGLE TONE PLAYING ON TV]
[SHUTTER SNAPS]
♪
[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
Happy Monday to you too.
[CHATTER CONTINUES]
GIRL: Oh, look at this one!
MARK: Are those from the trip?
Yeah.
Check them out.
No
It really tells a story, you know?
A story that isn't true!
We just talked!
I mean, Cara had to change
schools because she got bullied.
And if this picture goes around,
people will make fun of her,
and me too! I I don't
wanna change schools!
Don't worry.
Fox knows you wouldn't do anything.
What's Fox got to
Fox!
How many more copies
of this do you have?
So, I have mine
So, that's it?
They had a sale on.
What kind of sale?
Double the doubles.
Quadruples?!
People are finally liking my pictures!
Where are they all?
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Ah!
[TENSE MUSIC]
MARK: Gimme that!
STUDENT: Sick. These are hilarious.
Luggage cart, down stairs.
Wait, see this one?
Looks like they're
Nothing happened.
Can can you just give me the photo?
I don't want anyone
to get the wrong idea.
Alright, I got ya.
Five bucks.
Oh-ho-ho!
Some sexy!
Come on, just give it back!
Oh, you want it? What's it worth?
Five five bucks?
Yeah, that's my five bucks.
You want it? Take it.
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
The nerd's dreaded enemy
Keepaway.
What's all this?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
We should never have allowed
boys into this school.
Look at all the depravity it led to!
I shall be speaking to
Mr. Lewis about this!
He didn't know. He was in the bar.
Shut up!
[BOTH SIGH]
Hey.
What was all that about?
Nuns, am I right?
FOX: These are the
photos from the big trip?
They turned out bad.
Like, very bad.
Looks like I missed a time.
Nah, not really. It was super boring.
You call riding a luggage
cart down the stairs boring?
Oh, missed that. We
we were sound asleep.
How'd he take the
photo if he was asleep?
Huh?
Well, you said "we" were asleep.
I I meant me.
Just just me.
Uh
I I used the royal "we," because
Because I'm the king of sleeping!
FOX: You're so weird.
But cute.
Here.
Thanks.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): They say a
picture is worth a thousand words,
but shutting up is priceless.
Oh my God.
- [TYPING]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC ON RADIO]
POP: So, what you got?
Let's see what you got here
"The sky was grey.
The fog hung in the air
Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick.
Don't be a"
Would somebody turn
off that bloody radio?!
I'm trying to work!
POP: Jesus.
Hm
What's all this?
All what?
MIKE: You
Careful.
MARY: I got my hair done, do you mean?
You like it?
It's the latest.
Donna says it takes ten years off.
And what does it add on?
What happened to "careful"?
Mary, honey, what's goin' on?
[SIGHS]
I got my pictures taken
so I'd feel pretty,
but then I saw my old modelling
pictures of when I was prettier,
and lately I just feel so packin' old
so I got my hair done
so I'd look younger.
But I know it makes me
look older, and [SIGHS]
Well, now I just don't
really give a flyin' frig.
At least you had modelling days!
I'm trying to write this damn book
and I'm starting to realize
I've never gone anywhere,
I've never seen anything
POP: Alright, enough!
For God's sakes, stop your whining.
I mean, you're both getting older, okay?
I mean, that's just the way it is, life.
You know, one day
you're gonna look back,
and believe it or not,
this is gonna be the time in your life
that you wish you could get back.
[CHUCKLES]
And you'll give everything you can
for just one second of it here and now,
in this house, with the
people that you love.
♪
You know what?
These are the good old days.
♪
I'm gonna wash me jeezly hair.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[STARTS TYPING]
Cara! I need to tell you something!
Thanks a lot!
I came to you because
I was getting bullied
and now the whole school
is talking about me!
Saying I'm easy.
I'm really sorry. It it wasn't me!
I thought we were friends.
Cara
[PAPER FLUTTERS TO FLOOR]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
It felt like the only person
who didn't know in school was Fox.
And I had to keep it that way.
I couldn't believe her own
brother was blackmailing me.
MARK: Jason! I know it's you!
- Give it before your sister sees!
- FOX: Sees what?
This?
No. Uh, uh
It it's not what it looks like!
Really? 'Cause to me, it looks like
You're boning.
[JASON SNICKERS]
MARK: Fox! Nothing happened!
It it's just a stupid photo!
I've known about it the whole time.
What?
Oh.
They're too young to
be gettin' into that.
Look nothing happened.
It's just a picture!
It doesn't mean anything.
I'm not mad about the picture, dummy.
I know nothing happened.
You got no game.
Well, I mean, it took you three
years to make a move on me.
ADULT MARK (V.O.): She knew me so well.
I'm mad that you were
running around like crazy
trying to cover it up.
It just makes you look guilty and
me look like an idiot. Cara too.
You can talk to me.
You know that, right?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Don't do it again, dickhead.
Here.
Ritche's photos weren't all bad.
[SOFT, UPLIFTING MUSIC]
♪
MARY: How's it comin' along?
Oh, there she is.
You look beautiful.
Can't be that bad, hm?
Okay, it is.
There must be something
salvageable in here, hmm?
Uh, no, no, that's private.
"I'm always the first one into work.
Not because I love my job,
but because the sooner I get there,
the sooner I get to go home.
I've been married to
my wife for 26 years,
and I love her more each day
since I first laid eyes on her
on June 16th, 1963 at 1700 hours."
Oh, Mike!
Aww
And why did I marry her?
Because she was pregnant!
Drama!
♪
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
[CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK (V.O.):
A picture doesn't always tell
the whole story.
The pictures we choose to frame
don't always show us our true selves.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Some pictures we take
just for ourselves.
Without someone to remember
who the picture's of,
it's just a moment
trapped in a dusty frame.
We're always smiling in pictures,
but it's only the pictures
in which the smiles are real
that become memories.
Don't hang your life on the wall.
The past is in the past.
All we really have is right now.
♪
♪
♪
♪