That '70s Show s04e07 Episode Script

Hey, Mrs.
Forman.
My dad's making a cheese sandwich, but he's missing some stuff.
So, can I borrow bread and cheese? Oh, your dad's having a hard time without your mom, isn't he? Midge was the brains of that outfit? ( Laughs ) Oh, I'm- I'm sorry, Donna.
- Sorry about what? - You, get Donna bread and cheese.
Okay.
Wow.
This is a really nice dress.
I know.
Isn't it fancy? ( Laughs ) It's for the Price Mart Ball tomorrow night.
Oh, right, the Price Mart Ball.
So who you takin'? Who's the lucky lady? Oh, well, I decided not to go.
Personal choice.
You don't have a date, do you? Okay.
You know what? It's not about, ''Can I get a date?'' It's about this great book that I'm, like, halfway through.
Plus, you know, I could get a date.
- ( Laughs ) - I've got numbers, buddy.
Sure you do, honey.
You're number one with me.
You're going tomorrow night.
And you'd better not go stag, Eric.
There's nothing worse than an 80-pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
You know what? ( Clears Throat ) I'll go.
I told you I would, like, months ago.
But that was before the ugliness.
Eric, I'm over it.
Hey, I'm over it.
Oh, I'm- I'm over it.
Plus, I mean, last year they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.
Well, I mean, you know, I'm over it.
Hey, I'm over it.
Yeah, I'm over it.
I was just worried that you might think it was weird, us going out on a date.
So, I mean, you know, the concern laid with you.
Eric, it's not a date.
It's not- I know.
I know it's not a date.
It's not a date.
It's a shrimp fest.
A festival of shrimp, if you will.
- Exactly.
- Okay.
- I'll see you tomorrow night.
- 'Kay.
- ( Door Closes ) - See, now, look.
My little prince is going to the ball.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! - ( Stereo:Rock ) - So, Forman, you break up with Donna but you still get to have sex and go on dates with her? Ride the big red wave, dude.
I should break up with Donna.
''Donna, we are through.
Let the sex and dating begin.
'' Oh, no.
It's not a date.
We're just friends now, because she's over it.
- Well, guess who else is over it? - I am.
- Me too.
- So over it.
Look, man, breaking up sucks, okay? When Jackie dumped me, you know what she said? ''Somethin' somethin'.
Never wanna see you again.
Blah, blah, blah.
'' Hey, you think that didn't hurt? Okay.
You know what? - I'm done talking about this.
- Good.
But I will say this.
If she doesn't want it to be a date, then it won't be a date.
I am so cool with that, because as we all know I am very mature.
Now, if you would all please excuse me my mommy has to iron my corduroys.
Ah, women.
Am I right, guys? Ah, who am I kidding? There's no woman for Fez.
What must Fez do to get a woman? Well, for one thing, he's gotta cut out that third-person crap.
It's weird.
You are Fez.
You know somethin' else? Shoes say a lot about a man.
In your case, your chukka boots are screaming ''virgin.
'' Damn you, boots.
What else have you told them? Hey, Fez seeing you wear those chukkas makes me wanna up-chukka.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
It's like I ate too many ''chukkalate'' chip cookies.
Okay.
Yeah, how much wood could a ''woodchukka'' chukka- Hey.
Shut the chukka up.
How am I supposed to afford new boots? My Bible-thumping host parents won't give me an allowance because I am a pagan.
You know, Leo's looking for help down at the Fotohut.
The Fotohut, huh? I can really ''picture'' myself there.
That job and I will really ''click.
'' Oh, I am on a ''roll'' of film.
Ow.
Don't be so ''negative.
'' I am the king.
You sure you wanna get in the Fotohut game? It can chew you up and spit you out like a stick of gum.
Or something that seemed edible till you put it in your mouth and then you realized it's not.
Or a stick of gum.
- What kind of gum? - Big Red.
Oh, that's fine.
Okay, you're hired.
But you're on probation.
No, wait.
I'm on probation.
Oh, wow.
I gotta go see my probation officer.
- So he's my new boss? - Welcome to paradise.
( Gasps ) Oh, Red.
Don't the kids look nice for their date? Yeah.
Nice as hell.
- Oh, well, thanks, Mrs.
Forman.
- Actually, Mom as Donna so thoughtfully pointed out earlier, this isn't a date.
Well, I just- I like seeing you together.
You just-You look so natural.
But we're not together.
Well, sure you are.
I'm looking right at you.
Let's spend the night in the driveway looking at the kids.
That's what I wanna do.
Oh, hang on one sec.
Oh, hey, Donna? Why don't you make like a circle and go round, okay? That's right.
Like a circle.
Slide over or I'll hit you in the head.
All right.
- ( Singsong Voice ) You got yelled at .
- Shut up.
( Disco ) Oh, okay, this is us.
See? This is great.
Being out together, not on a date,just friends.
I feel, like, virtually nothing for you.
Me too.
Here.
Let's have a seat.
Here you go.
Oh, whoops.
Not a date.
- Eric! - I'm sorry.
Okay, uh, minor glitch.
Let's let the good times roll.
( Gasps ) Isn't this nice? Okay, Kitty.
Enough jawin'.
Drinks are only free for the first two hours.
Oh, do you think they have peach schnapps? Peach is my favorite schnapp.
Hi.
I'm Lyle, Housewares manager in Oshkosh.
Hi.
Eric, stock boy, Point Place.
And this is my friend Donna.
We're not on a date, even though, I mean- even though I did pay for her.
But what can you do? Tell me, Lyle.
Are you here on a real date? Uh- Hey, that's Stewie.
Stewie.
Nice going.
Scared off Lyle.
Now we'll never meet Stewie.
Eric, what is wrong with you? Hey, guy.
Put your arm around your date.
- Oh, no, she's not my date- - Oh,just shut up and take the picture.
Ta-da! Quittin' time, chief? No.
I devised a system to streamline our operations.
From now on, all orders will be filed alphabetically.
So the size of a customer's boobs? No longer a factor.
You see, it saves time.
And time, my friend, is money.
But money is not time.
You'd think it would go both ways, but it doesn't.
( Disco ) Hey, Moby Dick called.
He wants his shrimp back.
It's those hilarious jokes that I miss so much since we broke up.
So, uh should I get us some punch or- Wait.
Do you get the punch? Oh, no.
How do we get the punch? Eric, stop it.
You're being an ass.
Well, why don't you just, you know, get over it? I only said that because I wanna be friends again.
I mean, I wish we could pretend that we were never boyfriend and girlfriend and just, you know, be friends.
Donna, it's hard.
It's not like being friends with Hyde, okay? I haven't, you know touched his fun parts- well, on purpose.
- We used to have a lot fun together.
- Yeah.
Just like there used to be shrimp in the world.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
When I get back, we're gonna have a lot of fun together.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hello.
Hi, I'm Connie.
Pet Supplies, Sheboygan.
You, uh, wanna dance? Oh, uh- Yeah, I'm kind of here with someone so- Okay.
Well, um, maybe I'll see you around.
Okay.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - Okay, you hurt my arm.
She was a real looker.
And for some reason she talked to you.
- Now go get her.
- What? No.
Dad, Donna's here.
Well, Donna's off having fun while you're sittin' here being a big lump.
Okay, first of all you are way too involved with my life, okay? And second of all, Donna's not having fun.
She's in the bathroom.
That's not the bathroom.
Now, go talk to that girl before she comes to her senses and wants nothing to do with you.
Oh, God.
Your mother's doing shots with Gladys from Housewares.
Kitty, put it down.
My wife left me.
I don't cook.
I don't shop.
I'm hungry.
This place scares me, and I like Salisbury steak.
So you don't cook or shop, and your idea of a nice meal is gristly hamburger smothered in goo? What woman could let all that go? Hey, I've got an upside.
Th-There are things.
I know.
You're a good guy- a good, old-fashioned, out-of-touch, Stone Age guy.
But, you know, there's nothing wrong with you that changing yourself completely couldn't fix.
- Thank you.
- ( Laughs ) Here.
In the meantime, have a pretzel.
- I can tell you haven't eaten anything.
- I am pretty hungry.
Oh, never shop when you're hungry 'cause you'll end up at home with 1 5 Salisbury steaks.
Give me those.
See, the problem is I have a daughter at home.
I think I'm gonna have to start feeding her.
I don't think I can do this.
Of course you can't.
Lucky for you, I'm here.
Now we just gotta find everything you need to make a meat loaf.
Wow.
You're gonna make me a meat loaf? No.
You're gonna make me a meat loaf.
Okay, but sometimes I burn myself on the oven.
- I'm, uh- I'm Bob.
-Joanne.
Now haul ass, Bob.
- Oh.
- Oop.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, Donna.
Oh, oh.
So, are you having fun at the big ball? Um, yeah.
You know, at first I wasn't.
- Eric was being really jerky and weird.
- Uh-huh.
Well, he does that.
If he gets me a glass of punch, it's not like we have to sleep together.
Well, it would have to be pretty good punch.
They have an open bar.
Uh! I just wish Eric could relax.
Well, um, I think he can.
( Donna ) Oh.
Oh.
Oh, good for him.
I'm- I'm glad.
He's dancing with a beautiful skank! Well, I will say this about Price Mart: They have wonderful balls.
Red, grab that centerpiece.
Oh, hey.
Here's another.
( Laughs ) Donna, honey, grab that centerpiece.
Kitty, how many centerpieces do we need? Red, they are center pieces.
! - Okay, so don't lose my number, all right? - All right.
Eric, what the hell? - What? - Why are you kissing her? - You're on a date with me.
- It wasn't a date.
Well, it is now, you bastard! Now come open my car door for me before I kick your ass! The Fotohut's cool.
( Laughs ) Hyde, your job kicks ass.
Yeah.
I never thought I'd be a workingman, man.
But, man, here I am working for the man.
And you know what, man? I like the man.
Hey, thanks, man.
So, my probation officer was sure happy I came by.
He even wants to see me for some additional years.
He's a good guy.
Ugly, fat, whorey, old whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.
Oh, this one's kinda cute.
( Groans ) I mean, for a fatty.
( Groans ) I mean, for a whore? ( Groans ) Damn,Jackie! What do you want me to say? That's it.
I cannot work like this.
Anyone who doesn't have to be here must leave.
- ( Scoffs ) Fez- - I said, leave.
( Hits Ground ) Damn, Fez.
You've only been here one day and you're already trying to change everything.
Yeah.
It's like we crossed into some different dimension where we're in some kind of Fotohut.
It's eerie, man.
And then you encourage him and what happens? He ends up kissing a girl while he's on a date with another girl.
Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Forman family.
Red, I am not drunk.
I am upset and drunk.
All I know is that is not the way to behave on a date.
( Together) It wasn't a date.
( Together) Oh, please.
Good morning.
No.
It was morning when I got here, on time.
Now, put this on.
Clever, huh? Yes, very.
Fez- ( Clears Throat ) Working here is about goofing off- you know, creating a model of inefficiency.
You're ruining the Fotohut, man.
And if you think I'm gonna stand idly by you're right, 'cause that's what I do here.
Oh, Hyde, you're here early.
Oh, slick uniform, man.
Is that how you spell Fotohut? Yes, but Hyde won't wear it.
- Something's gotta change around here, man.
- Amen.
- ( Door Closes ) - I don't like what's goin' on here, man.
That little dude's making us all look bad.
- I'm afraid the boss is gonna fire me.
- Leo, you are the boss.
Did you fire him yet? I'll take his shifts.
Hey, dude, man.
I think we decided that you're fired.
Oh.
Well, that's a cold slap in the groin.
How am I supposed to afford my new boots? Here.
Just do what I do, man.
Just get some money out of the register when the boss isn't lookin'.
Once again, Leo, you are the boss.
And I'm not lookin'.
( Register Dings ) - Hey, kissy-face.
- Ah, well.
If it isn't Kooky McShrimplover, who doesn't know how she feels.
Comin' over here like everything's normal and nothin' happened last night.
Yep.
That's my Kooky McShrimplover.
I know.
I freaked out.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's a first.
Well, this is complicated, okay? I mean, we do wanna be friends, right? Yeah.
I don't wanna be nothing.
Okay.
Well, then, maybe some rules will help.
Like, when we're out on a date that's not a date - we can't make out with slutty girls.
- Uh-huh.
Or that could just be a rule for me.
Yeah, I mean, Donna, feel free- No.
Feel encouraged to make out with all the slutty girls you want.
What is this? Is this- ( Kisses ) kissy girl's phone number? Uh-huh.
Okay, see ya.
( Groaning ) I got it.
Her phone number is 729-36.
I think there are a couple more numbers than that.
Really? Oh, yeah.
It's 729-36- ampersand? Maybe, but I just don't really know how to dial that.
Just- Oh, yeah.
That'd be hard.