The Conners (2018) s04e07 Episode Script

Yeah! Hey, there you are! Wanted you to be here for the inaugural run of the Stew-Chew train.
You know, if I was still a partner, I would say this is totally stupid, but as a part-time employee, I'll still say it's stupid, but you won't have to listen.
You don't get it.
There's a lot of bars where people can watch the Bears play.
We have got to have a gimmick to stand out, and everybody loves those sushi conveyor-belt places.
You mean the places where you sit and watch the sushi go round and round until it becomes poisonous? Okay, everybody! Get out your phones.
You're about to witness stew history! Hey, is my order ready yet? And if it is, could you please hand it to me, as opposed to shooting it at me with a train? Oh, looks to me like that little engineer's been drinking.
And at that size, it only takes them a thimble of alcohol to impair their judgment.
What are you doing here? Are you following me? No, I'm just getting lunch.
But I know you're moving into Aldo's soon, and I would like to spend some time together.
Is it okay if I sit with you? I guess I'm the bad guy if I say no.
Let's find out.
No.
Come on.
I'm gonna miss you.
And I swear, I am done trying to control your life.
Except for this one, last thing.
You forgot your birth control pills at the house this morning.
Okay, so that's why you're here.
Why are you going through my stuff? I was looking to see if you had any weed, which I also found, and that's really why I'm here.
I'm starving.
Okay, I didn't forget them.
I'm just taking a break because they make me moody.
Have you been taking them since you were 10? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's a pre-existing condition.
Anyway, I really hope you and Aldo aren't having sex.
Oh, we're having sex tons of it.
- Yeah! - Whoo! That was a really unfortunate coincidence.
Have you ever noticed that every time someone tries to push me in one direction, I go the other way? Well, watch this.
I'm done taking these pills.
Have fun worrying.
04x07 - Let's All Push Our Hands Together for the Stew Train and the Conners Furniture Hey, Louise, I just got a tweet that your band's going on tour.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're gonna do a few weeks in Memphis and Nashville.
I love those cities, and I didn't want to miss it.
Even though it's gonna be hard being away from my new hubby for so long.
- Oh.
- Oh, isn't that romantic? Baby, you're the greatest.
I wouldn't want to be away from me for that long, either.
You know, and since I'm gonna be moving in here, I thought I would rent out my condo before I go.
I mean, what's the point in having it sit there empty when I can bring in some extra cash? I love you! And I love you even more when you come with extra cash.
- Ooh, so beautiful.
- Ooh, cash.
So greedy.
So, then, it's okay if I bring my furniture here? I don't want a bunch of strangers messing it up.
You're afraid of renters wrecking your stuff, so you're bringing it to the hillbilly frat house? Hey, we know how to take care of valuable things.
Are they valuable? I thought I raised you better than that.
Now she'll never believe her things were stolen.
- Can I help you? - Uh, yeah.
Is, uh, River around? I want to talk to him about a book he gave me.
River's on a silent retreat.
- Oh.
- I'm Nick.
I'm the real brains behind the operation.
I restock the books.
I light the incense every morning.
It is natural to be intimidated, but don't be.
Okay, I'll try.
- I'm Darlene.
- Hi.
River was kinda helping me with some problems.
Have you read the "Dao De Jing"? Oh, sure.
Yeah, there's a lot of practical advice in there, and then there's some stuff that's just ephemeral and esoteric.
Okay, so, it's not just me.
I'm looking for a better way to live my life, but good God, throw in a picture once in a while.
I know.
Sometimes, Eastern wisdom can be up its own butt a little.
- It wouldn't hurt to lighten it up, right? - Yeah, yeah.
There's a reason Confucius made all those jokes, right? Confucius did not make jokes.
Th-That was just white people making fun of Eastern religion.
Huh.
White people making fun of something they don't understand.
Didn't see that one coming.
I'm just I'm just having a really hard time with the whole Dao "not-doing" thing.
Hmm.
Mind if I sit? I'm not paying your salary.
Go ahead.
S-So, I know I'm not River, but I think maybe I can help.
Um I know how hard the not-doing thing is.
When I was a stockbroker, I was a doer, too.
I was doing coke.
I was doing speed.
I was doing online poker with my clients' money.
Wow, you win the "doer" contest.
And you were able to actually quit all that by just embracing Eastern philosophy? Not exactly.
I quit doing drugs the second they fired me for being a drug addict.
And that's what forced me to to look for answers, and I found them here which was a blessing, 'cause I really like my life now.
I'd like to like my life.
So, is there anything else in this place that I should be studying? I guess the best one for me was the teachings of Buddha.
It led me to a greater sense of acceptance.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
I'm not a big acceptor.
More of an "exert my will until everybody resents me" kind of girl.
That's my weakness.
I love a woman who can make me resent her.
Here you are.
One matcha latte with oat milk.
- Ah, thank you.
- Hey, I didn't know you were working today.
I missed you.
Hi.
Oh, man.
I don't get hugs at work.
Just pat-downs when they think we're stealing office supplies.
I don't even need the envelopes.
It's just like a game to me now.
Darlene, this is my daughter, Brook.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Dad, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to talk to you about something.
Oh, if you want, I can step away for a second.
Oh, no, it's not a big deal.
I'm going camping tomorrow with my friends.
Uh-huh.
Do you think it's a bad idea to try mushrooms? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to pry.
I got to hear this.
What does Buddha say about your teenage daughter tripping balls with her friends? Well, Buddha says regardless of what a parent wants, a child will be true to their nature.
What's your gut telling you? Well, I'm curious.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I also don't want to get sick or have an experience I'd regret.
I'm just I'm not sure it's worth it.
You're a smart person.
If I were you, I'd listen to you.
I'm gonna hold off.
I just wanted to bounce it off of you.
Thanks, dude.
I would like to go back in time and have you raise my kids.
Listen, Brook and I have our moments, but we keep it real 'cause we respect each other.
That sounds like my relationship with my daughter, except without the respect or anything I just saw here.
Can Buddha teach me how to do that? Possibly, but you'd have to invite him over to dinner to watch the dynamic between you and your daughter.
Oh, he's dead.
But I can make it.
Okay, that's a little thirsty but you're cute, and, uh, you're not making me read anything, so dinner tonight? I'm there.
Oh.
Once my dad finds out what kind of place you work, you're gonna hear some Confucius jokes.
But if you act offended, he'll double down.
Uh-oh.
Dad's got to the point where he's gotta label stuff so he doesn't forget what it is.
"Snotty child who lives under my roof.
" I'm doing this because I got a pod full of Louise's furniture sitting out on the curb.
I gotta make room for it.
Goodwill's coming by tomorrow to pick up anything with a yellow sticker.
Whoa, whoa.
You're not getting rid of that.
I nursed my kids in that chair.
That was the last time they were nice to me.
I'm not giving up that chair.
Okay, I hear you.
Wait a minute.
We've all put our feet on this coffee table, and nobody feels guilty because it's a piece of crap.
I'm not gonna be able to do that on Louise's coffee table.
And then you know what's gonna come next? Coasters.
That's right coasters.
All right, fine.
- No, not this chair! - Ah! This is my reading chair! This is where I escape to new worlds.
I'll never forget reading all the Dickens novels and thinking how lucky all those kids were and hoping I could have what they have one day.
I say lose the chair.
It's gross.
They found hepatitis on a 5,000-year-old mummy.
You know that chair's got stuff.
You kids constantly bitch about how bad your childhoods were, but you can't bear to part with anything that reminds you of 'em.
Well, this is our home.
When I came back from Chicago, it was so comforting to see everything still the way it was when I was a kid.
And when I came back to live here, I felt the same way.
And when I come back in my 40s, I'm gonna feel the same way.
I always want you guys to be comfortable, but I want Louise to be happy, too.
Anybody here planning to succeed in the near future and get a house big enough to take all this furniture with them? Anybody here planning to succeed? Anybody here looking forward to watching Louise hand me my ass? So, Nick, I hear you work at one of those Eastern, new-agey bookstores.
- You know what Confucius say? - Dad, no.
We just talked about this.
You can't do it at the Chinese restaurant.
You can't do it here.
You can't do it anywhere anymore.
I can't keep up! Just make a list of stuff that used to be funny but ain't anymore.
I'd like to get a copy of that, too.
Oh, you're here.
Grandpa, you called me and asked me to come over and have pizza, but this is obviously a trick to get me to talk to her.
No, it was a trick to get you to come over and talk to me.
- Your grandpa misses you.
- Oh.
And that was a trick to get you to stay here and talk to your mom.
Fine.
I'll eat the pizza, but I'm not interested in anything she has to say.
It's okay.
No one is.
Continuing that narrative of disinterest, this is Nick.
He works at that bookstore I was telling you about.
You must be the kung-fu guy who tried to teach my mom a sneaky way to ruin my relationship with my boyfriend.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was the owner of the store, River.
What? The owner of the hippie bookstore is named River? Oh, come on, Moonbeam.
You've got to let me off the leash for this one.
No.
And it doesn't matter who it was.
I was wrong.
If you mean that, thank you.
But I can't stay long.
I have to stop at an ATM.
If you need a little cash, I can help you out.
No, one of Aldo's kids got sick and he missed a few days of work, so I'm I'm helping him with the rent.
Are you serious? You're You're watching his kids, and now you're paying his rent? It's a one-time thing.
Don't make a big deal.
Oh, yeah, it's fine, and when you're at the ATM, be sure to get some extra so you can paint his house and buy him that hoverboard he's had his eye on.
Why do you always have to be such a bitch? Now it's a Conners dinner.
I was just counting down in my head.
Harris, I have a daughter your age, and, um, your mom and I have been talking about how you guys are fighting a lot.
Are you cool if I weigh in? Wow, somebody actually asking me if they can butt into my life.
Sure.
What the hell.
So, you guys went from, "How's it going?" to war in a few seconds.
I think I might have an exercise that could help you get a little give and take in your relationship.
Are you up for that? Come on.
I mean, what we're doing isn't working.
I'll give it a shot if you will.
Fine.
I hope Darlene knows what she's doing.
Letting a total stranger get involved could make this fight worse.
Oh, I hope not.
But if it does, I got five bucks on Darlene.
She's way overdue for a manic phase.
I've fought her.
When she's got adrenaline going, she's all teeth and thumbs to the eyes.
Okay, I want you both to put your hands up.
Now, I want you to put your hands against each other's hands and push.
This is how your relationship feels right now.
No movement.
Nobody giving an inch.
In order for things to change, you each need to take turns giving a little.
Okay, so, Harris, when your mom pushes you and says she's worried about Aldo, you give a little.
Darlene, when Harris pushes back and says you're interfering too much, you give a little.
This is how the relationship stays balanced, okay? Let's give it a try.
I'm doubling down my bet on the wiry little vegan.
I'll take that action.
Just watch.
Thumbs and teeth.
You heard him, Mom.
I'm an adult who can date who I want.
- Give a little.
- No.
Aldo is a 38-year-old loser who is using you.
You give first.
Oh, so the woman who picks all the wrong men wants to tell me how to pick mine? Okay, still waiting for the give and take.
You know, when you make one smart decision about your life, you can criticize mine, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Why the hell would you do that? Because you think I'm stupid! You're a sad, pathetic, miserable person and you can't stand that I'm happy.
You're just teaching me to hate you.
The more time we spend around each other, the less we feel like mother and daughter.
We're just two women who don't like each other, so stay away from me.
It usually works way better than that.
Okay, before I show you what I did, the kids were a little reluctant to part with some of the furniture, but I think I blended your stuff with ours pretty good.
Uh, is that my sofa on the porch? Good eye.
Good eye.
I Scotchgarded it so we could have outdoor living in the two months in Chicago where the weather won't kill you.
See? I moved a lot of your stuff in here.
Uh, hey! There's your lamp! And there's your throw pillows.
Uh, m-my refrigerator's in front of the closet.
Well, don't get used to that.
That's only temporary until I can figure out a way to get it upstairs into the hallway.
Be stupid to have two down here.
Uh, where's my microwave and my coffeemaker? Did you get rid of any of your things? You weren't here.
Would have been easier to get rid of the kids.
Look, I tell you what.
The living room and the kitchen have a long family history of dysfunction and petty infighting and I want to respect that, so I'll put my stuff in storage and then you can keep those rooms exactly as they are.
You're a saint.
Now give me the "but.
" But I want the bedroom to be ours.
And not my bedroom set.
I want a whole new one so we have a fresh start.
It's the beginning of our long history together.
Done.
Okay, and here's a tip.
When you go furniture shopping, pick out exactly what you like and then ask the salesman, "What is the complete opposite of this?" Then buy that.
Hurtful but fair.
Hey.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing here? I thought you were at your mom's tonight.
Ugh, I got into a huge fight with her, and I really don't want to be there.
I know we planned on me moving in next month, but can I just move in now? I'd love that, but something came up.
I met with the boys' school shrink today.
Since you started spending the night here, there's been a little increase in the number of incidents at school.
W-What kind of incidents? It's kind of an umbrella term for fires, attacks on teachers, and throwing a turd in the pool.
I know I may have done that in the past, but I-I did not teach them how.
I-I know.
It's just, she's saying they're acting out because they don't want anybody to replace their mom.
You sleeping here sends the message, "We won't get our mom back while you're still alive.
" Holy crap.
They want to kill me? No.
No, of course not.
So what are you saying? That I can't move in here at all? I-I'm hoping it'll just be a few months, babe.
Till the kids see you're not a threat.
Or whenever I can tweak their meds enough to get that look out of their eyes.
This really sucks.
Now my mom has me right where she wants me.
I'm gonna have to hide in my room to avoid listening to her crap.
Just give her all good vibes.
And if it gets too bad, just find a friend to crash with.
But no strapping dudes with long, blond hair, okay? Hey, Moms.
Sorry for blowing up last night.
All good vibes.
I'm going to my room.
Uh, hold up.
We need to talk.
No, we don't.
We're all good.
- Love you like a mother.
- Stop.
We're not all good.
I thought about what you said last night and it scared me to death.
You're right.
We're not gonna be mother and daughter anymore if we keep ripping each others' hearts out.
I packed your suitcases.
I think you need to leave now.
You're throwing me out? If you don't go, then I'm gonna destroy our relationship.
I am trying so hard to learn how to be different, but I'm afraid if you stay here that by the time I do, it'll be too late and we're gonna hate each other.
Well, thanks for asking me how I feel.
No, I do know how you feel.
You want to be with Aldo.
Aldo wants you there.
I think it's a huge mistake, but if you're not here, then we can't fight about it.
Yeah.
You're right.
He wants me there, and you want me gone, so I'm going.
Hey.
I love you.
Now, don't be mad at me.
I packed your birth control in your suitcase, and I turned on the alarm on your phone so you remember to take them.
I'm sick.
I know.
That's why you got to go.
Maybe this will help.
It's on me.
Oh, you don't have to.
No, no.
It's store policy.
All relationships we blow up get kelp noodles with hemp seed pesto on the house.
It's okay.
You were just trying to pull up a plane that's been careening towards a mountain for 19 years.
You know, you can tuck your head between your legs before a crash, but you're still gonna end up stuff on a rock.
So, do you think I did the right thing? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I-I-I think it's great you were self-aware enough to take yourself out of the equation.
This is so damn hard.
Look, we all struggle.
I mean, I told you about the tough times I had, right? - Yeah, the drugs? - Yeah.
Oh, good.
Then I did tell you about the drugs.
It comes and goes.
I'm Nick, by the way.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, we can date.
That's a little thirsty, but you're cute.
And you have such an endearing way of processing your grief about your daughter.
And I would be crazy not to go out with somebody who left Wall Street to keep the cucumber water jug full.
Oh, so this relationship's gonna be based on honesty, huh? I haven't tried it yet, but I've heard good things.
I'm glad you feel that way.
And what's the worst that could happen? I mean, from what I've seen of your life, I can't really ruin it.
Uh, you won't know until you try.
Well, I see you came to your senses and got rid of that ridiculous stew train.
The future is drones.
One bowl of stew, coming up.
- Oh, no.
- Give me a countdown.
Burn victims and lawsuits in 3, 2, 1