The Detour (2016) s04e07 Episode Script

1 [Organ plays.]
This is all my fault.
Delilah said she'd only come see us at a funeral, then I thought of all these ways to kill you guys.
I never wanted any of this to happen.
Shh.
It's okay.
We're gonna get through this.
We'll be okay.
[Exhales sharply.]
Nate was a loving husband and a devoted father.
He was the type of guy who [Paper rustles.]
What does that say? What's that say? The guy men want to be and women want to be with? Right.
Men want to be [Babbles.]
Ugh.
Uh huh.
The type of guy that when you've got 10 seconds left on the clock, down by two, you're short handed, three on five, and the ref has just been riding your dick all night, that guy says, "I'll score two by myself and get us to overtime.
" - This is so stupid.
- Oh, my God.
- [Music stops.]
- Holy cow.
Let me tell you what's stupid.
Hearing an "ugh" in the middle of your own eulogy.
And "#1 dud"? They were out of "A's.
" Then by an "E" for the end.
"Dud-e"? God.
Piece of crap.
What are these? - Carnations.
- They suck! - They're fine.
- Tennis? What am I, Italian? And my Drew Stafford autographed skates? How many times have I told you, they don't come out of the glass case? And don't even get me started on this venue.
- It's atrocious.
- What? What is that smell, dead raccoons? Hey! War heroes have funerals here.
So I guess it's good enough for the greatest generations, but not for Nate the Great? Can I tell you, if I was actually dead, I'd be rolling over in my grave right now.
You were cremated, dum-dum.
Keep your story straight.
Why are you doing any of this? It's such a stupid idea.
What are you talking about? This was your idea.
I still say that when you saw her, you should have grabbed her and called us, - but that's just me talking.
- Yes, and now here we are, at my fake [bleep.]
funeral, okay? So what we're gonna do is, we're gonna wait for Delilah to show up, we're gonna grab her, we're gonna strap her to a chair and shake her until she realizes how much she loves us.
Now, let's take it from the top, and a little energy this time.
Okay? A little emotion.
Let's try to sell this stupid premise.
Five, six, seven Shit, shit, shit! What? Oh! Excuse me.
Hi, hello.
Can I help you? I'm here for Nate Parker's memorial.
I assumed that I'm in the right place.
Uh, yes.
Yeah.
I-I'm so sorry.
Who Who are you? I'm Skye.
Nate's old girlfriend.
How did you hear about this event? - Well - I invited her.
She was the girl that my dead son should have married.
[Organ plays.]
[Distorted music plays.]
- [Weeps.]
- I wish I could do something.
I can't believe she invited people.
I needed her to tell Delilah.
So, you told her I was actually dead? I didn't trust her to be a good enough actor to know the truth.
- Oh, my God.
- She looks so sad.
I've never seen her cry before.
- I thought you would love that.
- What? This is the same woman who made you hobble around on a broken femur for six months.
In her defense, I was 6.
Okay? I should have been a little tougher.
[Sighs.]
I can't do this.
We should let her off the hook.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey! - I-I gotta tell her.
- I gotta tell her, okay? - No! Plus, it'd be great to see Skye.
She looks awesome.
What's gonna happen when you come back from the dead? People are gonna be pissed, they're gonna leave, and they're gonna go tell Delilah.
Then we never see our daughter again, and Just stick to the plan, okay? Stay dead.
- Is this about my ex girlfriend? - [Chuckles.]
What? Is this about my ex girlfriend? [Scoffs.]
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
No! Babe, no.
You can see her.
When you're not pretending to be dead, you can see her all day long.
I don't care.
Why? Do you think I'm jealous, 'cause she's a - Neurosurgeon? - What? - She's a brain doctor, too? - Yeah.
[Scoffs.]
No wonder she dumped you.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
I dumped her.
- [Organ music plays.]
- Hey.
Hey.
Listen.
Trust me, everything's gonna be okay.
Like, for real like, in a couple of hours, - everything's gonna be fine.
- You're a horrible woman.
Oh It will be okay, Mom.
Mom? Yeah, it's what I've always called her.
Why? What do you call her? I don't call her.
That's a shame.
'Cause she's an incredible woman.
She's not.
Oh, ring-a-ding-dong, the dipshit's dead Hey! - Gene.
- Oh, Robin! Helen called me.
I got here as fast as I could.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But I got to say, the tragedy is doing wonders for your figure, girl.
Okay, okay.
All right.
Yep.
Let's [Scoffs.]
Can't even console a woman in America anymore.
You can just not with your lips.
Yeah.
That's why I'm going to Russia later this week.
Find myself a Slavic bride easy going.
But I don't wanna go.
Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do, though.
- Give me a reason not to go.
- You should go.
'Cause I'd rather buy American, if you know what I mean.
It's too soon, Gene.
Gah! Well, I'm here till of the end of the week in case you need something to throw a leg over.
Still too soon.
In the meantime, let's get this party started.
That's what the dipshit would have wanted.
Okay.
Whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo! Ooh-ooh.
- [Singing indistinctly.]
- [Organ plays.]
Gene: Okay! [Exhales sharply.]
I'll get this thing rolling.
Nate was a, um, idiot.
[Laughter.]
- He was a cuck.
- [Laughter.]
He was a terrible provider for his family, but he was also the worst employee I ever had.
[Laughter.]
Who's next? I'll go.
My son was such a wimp, he'd walk around saying, "I broke my femur.
" [Laughter.]
I mean, I had a C-section.
How the hell did my son get so much pussy in him? [Laughter.]
But we should focus on the good things.
Nate was with a beautiful, talented, intelligent, thoughtful woman.
And he dumped her for ungrateful hooker.
[All gasping, murmuring.]
Don't judge me.
You were always above judgment, weren't you, Helen? Well, look who decided to show his stupid, ugly, negligent face.
Old King Cuck.
Excuse me.
Who are you? I'm Nate Parker.
And that's my son you're shitting on.
Papa? [Hushed.]
What the hell is going on? I thought he was dead and now he's not.
I need to see what he looks like.
Everybody's blocking him.
What the hell does he look like? I need to see his face.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? What?! It's Blu Brown.
It's Oh, shit! - Blu Brown! - [Loud clattering.]
[Quietly.]
Shh! Shh! Blu Brown! Blu Brown! Blu Brown.
It's Blu Brown.
It's Blu Brown.
Sweetie, shh, shh.
You're freaking out.
You're You're just saying colors, baby.
My dad My dad is Blu Brown.
He's actually Blu Brown.
I don't know who that is.
It's Southern Ontario's Red Green.
He's a provincial treasure.
- What? - The beaver leader for the damn lodge.
Blue Brown.
Well, if you get the Quebec feed, it's Blue Brun, but Blu Brown.
It's pretty much a bylaw to watch him.
- What? - It's actually more of a mandate, 'cause 40% of all Canadian TV has to be Canadian.
- Slow down, slow down.
- Okay, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
Look at me, overly apologizing, that's where I get it.
I'm half Canadian.
So many things happening to me right now.
[Inhales sharply.]
Oh, my God I'm having a deja bl That's what he called flashbacks on his show.
Good! You get out of here and take your So, my dad walked out on me on Christmas Day when I was really young, okay? A couple years later, I found this guy Blu Brown on TV.
And it was like, he seems really familiar, and now I know why.
Check it out.
[Up-tempo music plays.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Oh! Morning, beavers.
How's it going, eh? So, how 'bout we whip up some breakfast in the damn lodge.
Who wants eggs? - [Cheering.]
- Well, my goodness.
Looks like she whipped up a few English, eh? - [Laughter.]
- [Laughs.]
What are you laughing at? What aren't you laughing at? It's hilarious.
- Hey, Blu! Blu! - Blu! Blu! Oh, here comes the catch of the day, eh? You boys get lucky with those rods today? Did ya? - All: Yeah! - Yeah? Well, just remember, it's not the size of your rod.
It's how you wiggle your worm, eh? - What? - It's wordplay.
- It's cute.
- It's not cute.
Heh, heh.
Yeah.
That's right.
Beautiful hair there.
There you go.
Give me a kiss right here.
- He seems like a pedophile.
- Hey, you shut your mouth.
Okay, that is my father you're talking about.
- [Sniffs.]
- [Chuckles.]
Mmm! Mmm.
No! No! It was the '70s.
Don't be such a prude.
- That's not - Okay.
You want funny? - Please.
- Watch this.
- Oh, God.
- [Up-tempo music plays.]
[Cheering, whistling.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Speaks French.]
[Continues in French.]
Check under 'ze 'ood.
[Laughter.]
This is so confusing.
How How is this a character in a kid's show? It started on the Blu Brown show, but it was so friggin' popular, they spun it off into its own salty late-night series.
Watch this clip.
This is funny.
[Audience whooping.]
Boop! Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.
Hey! I'm getting the feeling that you're not a real doctor.
- [Laughter.]
- [Speaks French.]
Boop.
[Laughs.]
[Speaks French.]
- [Horn honks.]
- [Laughter.]
[Speaks French.]
[Laughter.]
Because Oh, because her tits are like the horns? What? No.
The the The headlights.
Then why is he inflating them? Oh, my God.
[Scoffs.]
You just don't get it.
Uh, yeah, I get it.
I get that he's incredibly objectifying.
What's objectifying about thinking she's a car? Okay, so what about this Fidget guy? I mean, that's that's a little tone deaf - for little people, don't you - What? He's called Fidget 'cause he's always fidgeting.
That's how he always loses his glasses and gets into these ridiculous scenarios.
- That's not it.
- I gotta go talk to him.
No, you're not.
You're dead.
Stay dead.
- I have to talk to my father.
- Absolutely not.
- Don't you dare.
- I'll wear a disguise.
After all my shows, I'd play my signature song.
- It was called "Nate Song.
" - [Notes play.]
It's about a little boy named Nate Parker.
[Guitar plays.]
Oh, Nate, Nate You are so, so great You were torn away from me in grade eight So many things I should've saids Wish I taught ya yer A to Zeds I bet you think I'm not of your ilk But I know we love our homo milk Oh, Nate, Nate, Nate, you are so, so great Let's hop on the Rideau and go for a skate When I'm on TV, I'm a grade A kook When I'm off, I just want to hug ya Like a big wool toque Oh, boy I wish I could see you Could see you.
Just know Just know I'm 1,609.
34 kilometers away I'm 1,609.
34 kilometers away Both: Oh, Nate, Nate The great Nate The greatest of the Nates for greatness' sake Go, Nate, Nate, the great Nate The greatest of the Nates For greatness' sake [Cheers and applause.]
[Sniffles.]
[Cheers continue.]
I can't do this anymore! Stop! Everyone stop! This isn't right.
Blu Brown: You're right.
I should have done a funny character and cheered everyone up.
No.
No.
My dad's still alive.
- What? - I can't handle this anymore.
- Oh, shit.
- Dad, come out! Dad! Wh [Groans.]
What are are you doing? Poor little dipshit's in denial.
Think's his dad's the curtain.
No, you dumb shithead, he's actually alive.
You're in shock, yeah? There's no one behind there.
Why don't you take a seat, buddy? No, I'm done pretending.
[Grunts.]
This is ridiculous! Someone help me get down this curtain.
I'll show you he's still alive.
Okay.
He's just [Clanging.]
What the Dad, where Where are you?! What the What the hell? Dad, what the hell?! What the I-I-I swear he was just here! - [Clattering.]
- You I don't know what happened.
I Well, then I guess he really is dead, then.
[Murmuring.]
- [Creaking.]
- What the Dad? - [All shouting.]
- [Groans.]
- [All murmuring.]
- [Coughs.]
[Groans.]
Nate? - [Groans.]
- This is outrageous! - [Laughs.]
- How could you?! What?! What?! What?! Give it a rest, Mom.
I've seen enough.
You guys are unbelievable.
[Gene laughs.]
Man, I got to tell you, Robin, that thing I said earlier about consoling you sexually, that stuff still stands.
No.
Just so you know, I don't blame you for any of this.
Your mom told me all about Robin.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- It must be miserable.
It's fine.
If you need an escape, I've got open arms, a warm bed, and so much money.
I'm fine.
You know, I never stopped loving you.
- [Scoffs.]
- Right? - I know.
- Yeah? I can't.
I can't No, no.
No, no.
Oh! - Stop, stop, stop.
- Hi.
I'm right here.
- I'm here.
I'm right here.
- She's there.
- He's - He's fine.
He's fine.
He's fine.
He's He's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
This was the saddest day of my life, and you ruined it.
Oh, come on, Mom.
We were gonna tell you.
We were backstage debating and then Dad showed up Hold on.
Hold on! Why am I apologizing to you? Okay? What kind of parent tells their own kid that their father is dead? [Weeping.]
I'm gonna ignore your obvious hypocrisy, since I'm sure it's difficult rising from the dead after falling from the ceiling.
Speaking of which, would you get up? I can't.
Okay? I'm stuck in a chair.
Why wouldn't you tell me about Dad? Especially that dad? He's so awesome.
He's Canadian.
There is nothing awesome about a nation of average people.
He was Blu Brown.
He was Fidget.
He was a selfish shit rat who took our rent money to buy his music lessons.
To share his gift of song with the world.
Have you ever heard a grown man with no talent practice saxophone in a trailer? I wanted to cut my [bleep.]
ears off.
[Saxophone plays off-key.]
[As Fidget.]
Oo, la, la! Look who's here to cheer you up! C'est moi, Fidget! [Speaks French.]
This is your dead son, you idiot.
I was trying to What? I'm Nate.
F-From "Nate's Song.
" [Normal voice.]
No.
"Nate's Song's" about me, Nate.
No, it's about It's about a little kid named Nate.
Yeah, the hurt little child inside of me.
S-Still, I'm mean, it's it's I'm your son.
Huh.
That's That's it? That's all you got? I 'Cause I got s-so much to ask you.
[Laughs.]
Like, "What's your real origin story of Fidget?" Well, no.
I mean, yes.
[Laughs.]
Yes, of course.
I mean, who wouldn't want to know that? There's so many fan theories out there, but if you told everyone, it'd break the Internet French midget.
Oh.
Mm-mm.
- That's offensive.
- [Scoffs.]
Why'd you walk out on me? Oh, boy, I can see you're a couple elbows short of Kraft Dinner, but it's okay.
I forgive you for holding me back.
What? You retarded my gifts for comedy and song for seven long years.
No, man, you can't use that word.
Oh, and what is a woman know about comedy? Next thing you're gonna tell me is, I can't do my Fretard character [As Fretard.]
Bonjour, je m'appelle Fretard.
- Whoa! - No, no.
Holy shit.
No.
You can't do that.
Nate, you understand.
Every transcendent artist has to make a choice between what he loves and his family.
I love saying I told you so.
I needed a father.
And that is exactly the selfish behavior that I'm forgiving you for.
What was I supposed to be? A father to one, or Blu Brown, Fidget, and Fretard to the world.
Hold on how many people in this room know who this idiot is? - [All murmuring.]
- Okay! [Nate's Mom Laughs.]
Nate it is not my fault that your mother is half a two-nie shy of two loonies, eh? She ought to get off the Mickey's and the Du Mauriers.
Speak English, please! Your mother was garage.
She taught you nothing but anger and hate.
Yeah, you're right.
She did teach me that.
And you know what else she taught me? How to throw a punch.
Ah, shit.
[Up-beat music plays.]
Oh! [Heckles indistinctly.]
[Chuckles.]
Whoa! Not as fast as your old man, are you? - Shit! - You know, in Tijuana, it costs 10 pesos to watch a fidget fight.
Of course, they throw in a hand job.
Come on, you pussy.
Get up and fight.
- [Grunts.]
- [Clattering.]
[Blu Brown laughs.]
Hit him! [Panting.]
You wouldn't hit your own father, would you? [Chuckles.]
"Father.
" [Snorts.]
A father does whatever it takes to keep his family together.
Even when it comes to doing crazy shit like this.
[Panting.]
You're not my father.
You could be right about that.
I was riding a lot of dick back in the '70s.
I just picked this idiot to raise you, 'cause he was the biggest cuck in the world.
Just go back to Canada, you sad clown.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Hey! Why are you here? Why aren't you at Dad's funeral? I was just going there.
Don't bother.
He's not dead.
Mother [bleep.]
! What a [bleeping.]
! I knew it! You know, I thought a lot about what you said, and I want to go with you.
I like you so much more than I like our parents.
Do you really want to go to Russia? They won't even notice I'm gone.
Where are they? Where are they? - I don't know! - They were right here! - I didn't see them, Nate.
- Oh, my God, you lose one, and now you're telling me they're both gone.
It's not my fault.
God.
What, are they hiding? Huh? Are you in here? Huh? Hey, guys! You under here hiding? Oh! [Chuckling.]
- Found 'em.
- Yeah.
This is why you don't take 'em out of the glass case.
Where do you think Jared went? Who? Ah.
I don't know.
He's around here somewhere.
All right.
All right, let's go.
- Take your boxes.
Let's go.
- Jared? Let's go.