The Exes (2011) s04e07 Episode Script

There's the champ.
Congratulations, Haskell.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, please.
It's nothing.
Oh, come on, they're flying you back to Ohio to name a Bowling Lane after you.
That's a big deal.
It's a huge deal.
Well, I would love to come with you guys, but I don't want to interfere with your boys' trip.
Oh, we are gonna get cray-cray in akron.
Ahh.
I booked us on a tour of the old stickly furniture factory.
Oh.
You just promise you'll use protection, Stuart.
Eden would have loved to come celebrate, but she's got her first paper due tomorrow, and she's cloistered away like a tiny little monk.
Uh-oh.
Come on.
Come on.
Looks like your little monk is on a jaeger break.
What? Eden, what are you doing here? You've have homework due tomorrow.
Homework? How old are you? I've got to go.
- What are you doing? - What are you doing? I'm paying good money to send you back to college.
You have an English Lit paper due, and you're hanging out at a bar? I am getting it done.
Procrastination is part of my process: Delay, delay, drink, flirt, panic, red bull, crank it out.
Well, here's my process: Poke, prod, nag, nag, red bull, Eden gets her ass off the bar stool.
Yes, mom.
Oh, I'm not your mother.
I'm your mentor, your friend, your confidant.
Now, go to your room and do your homework.
Why can't you be cool, like my other friends' bosses? It's for your own good.
I hate my own good.
- Hey, Eden.
- No boys.
Hey, guys.
Just about to toast Haskell on his big honor tomorrow.
Oh, now, you know I'd be there if something important hadn't come up, right? Yes, how often do you get to golf? It's not just golf.
It's a celebrity tournament.
I'm in a foursome with lil' Wayne.
Oh.
Why give that up? All I had to do was rearrange my entire patient schedule and transfer all my root canals to Dr.
Chattahari.
And in exchange, I have to go to his daughter's sitar concert.
And I appreciate it, Stu.
At least someone's made the effort.
Oh, so we're all good.
A toast to my buddy, Haskell, whose achievement on the lanes will never be Damn, damn, damn.
- Phil.
- Huh? Huh? Phil, the toast.
Oh, right, achievement on the lanes, never forgotten, you the man cheers.
See ya.
Go away, you pain in the ass.
Open up.
What? Are you here to babysit me? No.
I'm here to inspire you.
You know, I was an English Major in college.
In fact, my professor once held my senior thesis up in front of the entire class and said my words on Wordsworth were worth more than Wordsworth's words were.
What a gasbag.
But an astute gasbag.
I was talking about you.
I remember how exhilarating writing papers could be, oh, getting swept up in the rapture of language, spending hours poring over every sentence, every image, every And done.
Done? Where are the chewed pencils, the typewriter ribbons, the bottles of wite-out? Oh, probably in a landfill along with the rest of the '80s.
I'm beat.
You do me a favor: Spell-check it and hit send? Okay.
Oh, well, that's a weak topic sentence.
And that's not a playful metaphor.
Hmm, maybe I'll make a few tweaks.
Who am I kidding? It's a total rewrite.
- Come, Stuart.
Let's go.
- All right, all right.
Just putting together some snacks for the flight.
I like savory for takeoff and sweet for landing.
I like sleeping pills for takeoff and a slap in the face for landing.
You guys haven't left yet? Stuart, Haskell, this is Dee Dee.
She's a flight attendant.
Hi, guys.
Where are you going? Oh, well, not to brag, but we're headed to Akron to get a Bowling Lane commemorated in my honor.
Oh, that is so cool.
Congratulations.
Oh, ah, ha.
They're also putting my portrait up in the gallery of legends Muah! All right, okay, look, I don't mean to rush anybody, but Dee Dee has a flight to make, and I've got a tee time, so I'll call you, baby.
Okay.
Oh, by the way, I left the guest toothbrush in the bathroom.
What guest toothbrush? The pink one by the sink.
It's mauve, and it's mine.
Oops, sorry.
- Oh, one second.
- Mm-hmm.
Hello.
See, I knew my toothbrush was wet when I used it this morning.
That was the airline.
A passenger on my last flight is in the hospital with mysterious symptoms, and the CDC thinks he might be contagious, so until they figure out what it is, they want me and anyone I've had physical contact with to remain quarantined.
What? No.
No.
No.
No.
I've got a golf tournament.
Tough break, Phil.
What do you mean, tough break, Phil? We all had physical contact with her.
She kissed you, used your toothbrush, and I was all You know what? Let's just say Let's just say that we're stuck here.
No, no, no.
You're stuck here.
I've got an award to pick up.
No, Haskell, I'm sorry, but as the medical professional on site, it's my job to enforce this quarantine.
Medical professional? You're a dentist.
I mean, if there's a gingivitis outbreak.
You can call the shots.
Come on.
Come on.
Haskell, this is serious.
No one leaves until we get the all clear.
In the meantime, I'll be coming through shortly with a selection of beverages.
Here's your coffee, Holly, with two sugars because you are so sweet.
Why are you so happy today? My English Lit professor just posted the grade for my paper.
Really? And what did we get? Although I have a feeling it begins with an A.
It does, a B-minus.
Boom! That stinks.
I've never gotten a B-minus in my life.
I think it's a pretty good grade.
It was my first college paper in years.
I don't care.
That was an A-plus paper.
It was brilliant, insightful, it broke new ground.
Aw, thanks.
The fact that you're so proud of me is even more important than the grade.
Oh, bull farts.
You poured your heart and soul into that paper, and you deserve to be recognized.
Holly, really, I'm okay with it.
I'm not.
Who does this tweed-jacketed hackademic think he is? He's head of the Lit Department, a Former Rhodes Scholar, and winner of the American medal for Literary Criticism.
Oh, sweetie.
They hand those out like chiclets.
Hot towel? That won't be necessary.
As soon as I get the go-ahead from the tower I am out of here.
In the meantime, I'll be coming through with our meal service.
Well? I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the CDC.
You know, Haskell, when you're a doctor, you're part of a brotherhood What did they say? Well, they're still running tests on the patient, but until they know for sure, I'm afraid we're all stuck here.
No, you're stuck here.
I'm leaving.
If I go now, I can still catch the last flight to Akron.
- Haskell, stop.
- No! There's nothing gonna make me miss this ceremony.
It's too important to me.
This is my day, my moment.
Look, I can't stop you, but if you infect even one person at that bowling alley, can you live with yourself? I think so.
I rebound quick.
Haskell All right.
I'm sorry.
Hey, so what's the word? Are we out of here? 'Cause if I leave now, I can still make the back nine.
The CDC confirmed quarantine protocols are still in effect.
Damn it.
Check back in with my colleagues.
They gave me the direct doctor's line.
The secret is, when you hear the recording, you press two.
I can't believe it.
The one time in my life I'm being honored, and I can't be there.
Why does this have to happen to me? To you? Yeah, I really wanted to play in that tournament.
You selfish son of a bitch.
What? I'm missing one of the most important moments in my life, and the only thing you're thinking about is some stupid golf game.
Where is this coming from? You don't even care what this means to me.
You didn't even care enough to come in the first place.
But I thought you said it was cool.
Well, I wasn't.
Well, how am I supposed to know this, Haskell? A friend would know.
Stuart knew.
Let's be honest.
I'm not important to you.
The only one who is important to Phil Chase is Phil Chase.
We're out of the fish selection.
But don't worry.
I'm going to sneak you a sundae.
Come in.
Professor Straf, I assume? Guilty.
And to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? I'm Holly Franklin.
I'm here on behalf of one of your students, Eden Kunkler.
Ah, Eden, delightful young lady.
And what is your relation? You're obviously too young to be her mother.
I'm in no mood to be charmed.
But yes, way, way too young.
I happen to be her employer, her benefactor, mentor, friend.
Well, to all of you, may I say welcome.
Why don't you save your whimsy for the faculty cocktail party.
Eden wrote a brilliant, insightful paper to which you inexplicably gave a lowly B-minus.
Well, that's most unlike me to overlook brilliance.
Well, you did.
The prose was elegant, the language vivid, bordering on poetic.
I must say, I'm impressed by your passion.
I'm as passionate about that paper as if I wrote it myself.
Well, in that case, I have no choice but to give it a fresh read and reconsider its merits.
Really? Oh, I thought this was gonna get ugly.
I was prepared to tear you a new one with an allegory.
You know, Holly, my teaching philosophy is based on a line from a favorite Keats poem of mine: "The only means of strengthening one's intellect is to make one's mind up about nothing.
Are you familiar with, "Love is my religion, and I could die for that.
I could die for you.
"? "My creed is love, and you are its only tenet.
You have ravish'd me away by a power I cannot resist.
" To quote another favorite poet of mine, "Let's get it on.
" Hey, Stuart, I'm gonna ask you a question, and want you to be totally honest, all right? - Am I selfish? - Yes.
So you're saying I'm someone who only thinks about himself? Absolutely.
Well, why doesn't anybody ever tell me this? We thought it was obvious.
I thought it was part of my charm.
Not in the least.
So if I'm hearing this right, I'm a selfish guy.
Yeah, that doesn't make Phil Chase feel good at all.
It's not supposed to.
And Haskell's upset because missing his ceremony, and he thinks I don't care.
But I do care.
You know what? I'm gonna fix this.
It starts in an hour.
There's not much you can do.
Yeah, there is.
I'm gonna have him Skype in.
I do it with all my clients.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna call the bowling alley right now and arrange for it to happen.
I don't think there's enough time.
- I don't think it will work.
- Oh, I'ma make it work.
You know, you can be very negative sometimes, Stuart.
Yeah, I'd look into that.
May I take your tray? It's all yours.
Oh, you hardly touched your pretzels.
They were stale.
I'm not even flying first in my own apartment.
I don't mean to be pushy, but I asked for a ginger ale about 30 minutes ago.
There's always one.
So how are you doing, Haskell? How do you think I'm doing? Instead of basking in the adulation of my fans, I'm stuck with you, a guy I don't want to talk to, and a woman who told me that my sofa cushion could be used as a floatation device.
Well, listen.
Phil would probably want to tell you this himself, but you should know he's calling the bowling alley and arranging for you to be skyped in so you can accept your award.
What a great idea.
Why didn't I think of that? Well, the important thing is, Phil did.
So it's actually gonna happen.
I've got to put on my bowling shirt and practice the Lutz victory kick, because my fans are gonna expect it.
So did you set everything up? I couldn't.
They canceled it.
Oh, god.
Why? Lack of interest.
They couldn't sell enough tickets.
It's good thing I didn't tell Haskell about this.
The poor guy would be crushed.
Phil, you know how we talked about you being selfish? Uh-huh.
I think you might want also want to work on your anger issues.
I don't have anger issues.
I told Haskell you'd Skype him in.
Are you crazy? What the were you thinking? See? You see? You should work on that.
Ahh! There's my little fun-sized co-ed.
Boop.
What are you doing here? Oh, you know, I was just in the neighbs, thought I'd drop by, see how things are going for you At school With your grades.
Well, actually, I just got an email from Professor Straf.
Yeah, it turns out he re-read my paper and changed the grade.
Oh, did he now? And what pray tell did he change it to? A C-minus.
What? He lowered it? Yeah, I guess he realized how crappy it was in the first place.
I don't know what I was thinking going back to college.
Look, I'm sorry I wasted your money.
Maybe I should just drop out.
No.
No, you can't.
Why not? Because you didn't get a C-minus.
I did.
When you said to spell-check your paper, I got a little carried away, and I I kind of sort of rewrote every word.
You what? Why would you do that? I don't know.
I'm new at this whole mentoring thing, and I just wanted you to succeed.
What, so my paper wasn't good enough? You don't believe in me? No, no, of course I believe in you.
I'm just a control freak, a loving one, but I just though it would do better with a little Holly magic, you know.
You got a C-minus.
Well it used to be a B-minus.
Yeah, why did he grade it twice? Who knows why people do things? A lot of those eggheads drink.
Oh, my god.
You went to gop see him, didn't you? To get you a better grade.
No, to get you a better grade.
Oh, I'm sorry, Eden.
I screwed up, but please, please, please don't drop out.
Argh.
Okay, I will stay in school on one condition, that the Holly Franklin scholarship comes with a whole lot less Holly Franklin.
You got it, no more interfering.
Okay.
I still don't understand how I could have gotten a C-minus.
Well, here.
He emailed me his comments.
Find out for yourself.
Oh.
"Lacked imagination.
"Took a predictable position.
Didn't build to a satisfying climax.
" That man is not a fan of your work.
- What are you doing? - Shh.
I'm disabling the router, so Haskell can't Skype into a ceremony that isn't happening.
That's a great idea, actually.
Then Haskell won't get hurt.
I've got to tell you, man, not being selfish is hard work.
Come on.
Get in here.
It's about to start.
Don't skimp on the forehead.
The Lutzes are a shiny people.
You're in good hands.
At flight attendant academy, I did great in makeup, CPR not so much.
Well, this is quite a setup you've got here, Haskell.
Oh, well, my fans paid good money, and the Haskell heads deserve to see their champion in his full.
Glory.
Well, it's showtime.
Lights, camera, and "Wi-Fi unavailable.
" Oh, man, damn technology.
Well, we tried.
Yeah, that's it.
Break down the sets.
Kill the lights.
That's a wrap, people.
Oh, not to worry.
I've still got 4G on my tablet.
Oh, but let me Let me see that real quick.
You know, it looks a little dirty, and the last thing I want is for you to be smudgy to your fans.
Well, no, look, there isn't any time.
Give me that.
Oh, well, it's not clean yet, Haskell.
Stuart, you're really good at cleaning stuff.
What the hell are you doing? Look, I'll just do it from my phone.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't let you do that, Haskell.
You know, the screen is so tiny, and you're the king.
- Look, give me that.
- Uh-uh.
Give me that phone.
Give it to me.
- No.
- Give it to me.
Ah, my arm! My arm! Nothing is gonna keep me away from this ceremony.
There is no ceremony.
What do you mean? It was canceled.
Why was it canceled? I'm not going to lie to you, Haskell.
Tsunami.
All right, what's going on? Why was it really canceled? They didn't sell enough tickets.
So nobody cared.
The biggest event in my life, and it means nothing.
It's not nothing.
You were the midwest bowling champion.
You achieved something.
That's right, and no one can take that away from you.
No, they can't, but maybe Maybe it's time I stop living in the past.
I did something great once.
- I will again.
- Yeah.
And whatever it is, we'll have your back.
Thanks.
And thanks for setting up the Skype, and more importantly, for wrecking it.
I was wrong to say your selfish.
No, no, you were right.
I should have been there for you in the beginning.
Well, you were there for me in the end.
- Aw.
- You just wrecked it, Stu.
Good news.
The airline just called.
Turns out the passenger just had a severe food allergy, so we're all clear.
It's been a pleasure serving you all today.
Feel free to move about the apartment.