The League s04e07 Episode Script

Hey, what are you doing with Mom and Dad's dog? Oh, they left for their cruise this week, so they asked me to take care of Dicka.
You know, it's Ditka, Taco.
And why wouldn't Mom and Dad ask me? Because I'm the responsible one? Right.
What's up with the dog? I didn't know you and Jenny were still having sex.
Excuse me.
We do.
This morning, but are you looking through our window again, Taco? No, he's conditioned to bark at the smell of sex.
Conditioned? After I have sex, I'm in a good mood, so I toss the dog a treat.
So now it knows the smell of sex.
You only had the dog for a week.
How much sex did you have? Normal amount.
Whoa.
She started you off with an HJ, huh? Classic.
Classic Jenny.
Hello.
Can I help you find something? Yes.
As you may have noticed, you know, I'm a pretty athletic person, and I've decided I'm gonna get back in shape, so I am looking for a high-performance shoe.
You are looking for Vapora.
It's a brand-new, high-end running shoe that comes in two styles.
Mm-hmm.
One is the Vapora Casual.
As you can see, it's got sort of a light tread Let me stop you right there, okay? There's nothing casual about the way I'm gonna be exercising and training.
You're gonna want the Vapora Sport.
I like the sound of that.
Look at this tread.
Good treads, it's lightweight, supportive.
I think these shoes can take what I'm gonna be dishing out.
It's a great choice for you.
I mean, the Casuals over here, let me just tell you, they're like a house slipper.
All right, man, I'm in.
Just one last question.
Got 'em in a ten and a half? It's your lucky day.
This is a ten and a half right here, and this is the last pair of Vapora Sports in the whole store.
Yes! Yeah, why don't you take that? I will go find the other shoe for you in the back.
Ah, there you go.
Oh, sorry, sir.
Those are mine, actually.
No, it's not yours.
They were on display.
No, they were on the bench next to my stuff, 'cause I picked 'em out.
I know how a display looks.
I'm not mentally disabled.
I didn't say you were.
It's just that I was gonna buy those shoes.
I don't think you really need a sporty version of this shoe.
And you do? Yeah, I'm a sporty person.
Really? You seem more casual.
You're a sporty person, and I'm casual? I'm very sporty.
It's the color, it's the style, it's the tread.
How would you use the treads? I like tread, and I'm gonna get a shoe with tread on it! Is everything okay over here? No, it's not okay.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Thank you for coming over.
I was gonna purchase the Vapora Sport.
Um, this gentleman is also interested in the shoe.
I'm not sure how much he would be able to use it.
He's telling me that because, you know, I'm in wheelchair, I shouldn't get the shoe style that I want.
Well, if one customer came into the store first and chose the shoes first, might they have dibs on it over another customer? Well, the customer's always right.
Well, we're both customers.
Then this customer is always right.
On the lap.
Here you are, sir.
Right there! There you go.
Ring me up! And you are now the proud owner of a beautiful 1930s-era player piano.
Your kid's gonna love this.
It really is gorgeous.
You just pump it with your feet, it feeds air through the bellows, and you make music.
Awesome.
It's amazing.
And when then you're done, you flick that switch, and the paper rolls itself back.
Okay.
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
The paper rolls itself? Yep.
Can you put other kinds of paper in there? No, no, you can't.
He's right.
I've tried it.
See? So, yeah, if the spindle comes loose, you just tighten it right there.
Okay.
And then Oh, I am so sorry.
I didn't know anyone was still here.
Oh, yeah, we're just finishing up.
We'll be done in a minute.
Great.
And, uh, yeah, and that's it.
You're set.
Uh, you got a restroom I can use, by the way? Yeah.
Side yard next to the air conditioner.
No, no.
Down the hallway to the right.
Hallway.
Perfect.
Yes.
Why are you going to the bathroom outside? Why are you peeing inside? It's great out there.
Hey.
Hey.
You gave the piano guy quite a show out there.
Well, I didn't know he was still here.
He's taking a really long time.
I know.
And I'm not even really convinced this whole piano thing is a good idea.
I just want to start her on an activity that ensures she'll never have sex.
Me, too.
Okay.
I still like my idea.
I really think we should consider ballet.
She can dance around with gay guys, and she won't have sex till she's, like, 30.
Are you kidding me?! Everyone wants to have sex with ballerinas.
Did you see Black Swan? Ballerinas want to have sex with ballerinas.
Look, I think musical instruments are the way to go.
And we should just be thankful it's not a woodwind.
What do you mean? Really? Woodwind? Oh! God, Jenny! Pete's little tiny erect dick No one No.
No, no, no, no, we're not teaching Ellie that song.
Why not? 'Cause, obviously, it's inappropriate, Taco.
All right, so I think we're all done here.
What's wrong with your dog, man? Oh, you naughty boy.
You need a cigarette? You want to take a little nap? I don't get it.
Would Ditka know if someone jerked off? Oh, yeah.
And he would bark.
It'd be a pity bark, but he would bark.
What are you saying? Did you just jerk off in my bathroom, man? No! My wife walked by, you obviously took a good look at her, and then you went right to the bathroom.
It's disgusting! First of all, what is this, the Playboy mansion? Who does this?! Oh, wow.
Really? What's wrong with you? You guys are insane.
I don't know who teaches a dog to bark at someone's dick.
This guy does.
Yeah, that guy does.
You're nuts.
I'm really insulted.
Good.
And I'm leaving.
Good.
You're an animal.
Next time jerk off in your van like a gentleman.
What was that? Michael Moore came in here and J'd off in our bathroom.
What?! Cracked his meat all over the place.
It's disgusting.
He just jerked off in our bathroom? Yes, yeah.
He saw you, and then asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and What?! Yeah.
That is disgusting! He went and jerked off in our bathroom after he saw me walk by? Yes.
I mean, what kind of self-control does this guy have? I don't know.
I think it's really disgusting.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, it is.
Really jerked off to me? I think you're losing focus of the issue at hand here.
I'm not, I'm not.
It's gross.
Yeah.
But I gotta say it was kind of my fault.
My robe was really short.
He couldn't help himself.
Look at me.
I mean Jenny, okay, relax.
Is that player piano playing "Pick a Bale of Cotton"? Yep.
Oh, great! First this guy comes in and treats our house like an adult theater, then he drops off a racist piano.
Obviously, the piano company just unloaded a product they didn't want anymore.
He unloaded a lot of stuff no one wants.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Knock, knock.
Got two tickets to saladise.
What? We'll get lunch.
Remember? You said we're gonna eat lunch together.
I didn't say that.
Um, I e-mailed you.
You never e-mailed me back.
So you took that as a yes? You got it.
Knock, knock, knock.
Hey.
Hey, Michelle.
How are you? I'm good.
This is Andre.
Client? Friend.
Anyway, guess who got two luxury box seats to the Bears game on Sunday? Wow.
How did you do that? Oh, you know the sponsorship deal we're working on for Soldier Field? Hudabega put you on that case? Yeah, he did.
Wow.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
I'm gonna meet all the players, I'm gonna be working with the front office, bringing any friend I'd like to the games.
What are you what are you working on? I'm, uh, working on that Rosenthal case.
Oh, the blind guy who kind of smells like fungus? Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yup, yup, yup.
Anyways, go Bears.
Is that what you say? I don't even know-- don't watch the sport.
Don't even like it.
Bye, Michelle.
Bye.
Whoa, talk about chemistry.
How is she on Hudabega's good side? She must be sleeping with him.
You just jump to sex? Maybe she's qualified.
Qualified is not a problem, I can undermine qualified.
But I can't undermine sex.
Well, I mean, you could always sleep with Hudabega.
I don't think he'd be interested in me-- I got to lose like ten or 15 pounds.
And that's why we need to get salads.
Let's do it! Hi there.
Car trouble? Hey, yes! I have no idea what to do, it just stopped, and it's smoking everywhere, and I don't have Triple A.
Listen, you have nothing to worry about.
There's a garage that's like a block away.
I'm gonna push this car for you, okay? We're gonna put it in that garage.
There's actually a nice coffee shop right next door.
Okay.
Maybe I can buy you a coffee? I'd like that.
Thank you.
All right, let's get this done.
It's slippery.
Having trouble getting traction.
Should I help? I just want to get a grip.
The shoes are a little slippery.
Oh, my God, are you okay? Yeah, oh Oh, my goodness.
I'm good, I'm good.
No, no, no you're not I got it.
We got it, we got it.
No, no, no, stop, it's okay.
It's-it's a heavy car.
It's not heavy.
Well, it's heavy for you.
Ooh, yeah, that is bad.
That is deep.
Yeah, you're gonna need stitches for sure, for sure.
All right, let me clarify what happened with you and this woman.
You were helping her with her car-- what I don't understand is when Kevin's balls appeared and just thwacked you under the chin and lacerated it.
You know what, very funny.
The problem is the goddamn treads on the shoes, okay? If that asshole in the wheelchair had not stolen the good tread shoes out from underneath me, none of this would've happened, and by the way, what does he need them for? He doesn't need the treads.
He just wants to look cool? I-I just don't understand why we're placing the blame on the wheelchair guy or the shoes.
You really need to look inward.
Why do you need high-end shoes to begin with? What are you saying, Kevin? I mean, on a scale of Olympic athlete to wheelchair guy, you swing closer to wheelchair guy.
You have to know that.
I'm sorry, this is coming from the man who has the diet of a morbidly obese pre-teen? This is coming from a guy who's eaten, what? Four slices of pizza today? Well, when you're training like I am, pizza is caloric fuel.
Michael Phelps takes in 12,000 calories a day for that kind of performance.
Pete, please tell me you're not comparing yourself to the most decorated athlete in Olympic history.
Look, we're different sports.
You can't compare the two.
What sport do you play? I'm an athlete.
Your sport is "athlete"? You're goddamn right.
And this athlete is going to have another piece of caloric fuel right now.
Not that one.
That's don't touch it.
That's mine.
You gonna stop me? Yeah.
Get over here Come on, Fat-iator.
Are you not entertained? Come on, come on.
Whoa! Ow! You just lost to someone wearing Vapora Casuals, son.
Wow, what a show of athletic prowess.
It's like watching a beauty contest between Sam Cassell and Jeff Van Gundy.
Oh, really? This coming from the guy who lost to the blind wrestler in high school? Look, what the blind lack in sight, they make up for in craftiness and strength.
They're a very strong people, and I have to deal with one right now at work and it sucks.
You got to find out if that lawyer lady is banging Hudabega or you're gonna keep on getting these crap cases.
I know.
You should just use Ditka.
Huh? Taco trained our mom's dog to sniff out sex.
Yeah, he's like a bone hound.
Aw you know Jump down, turn around Pick a bail of cotton Jump down, turn around Pick a bail a day Oh, Lord, pick a bail of cotton Oh, oh, no, no, no, okay.
Honey, no, no, no.
Where did you get those lyrics? I found them in the piano bench.
I love this song.
This is my favorite song ever.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let's get rid of these, and-and take off Mommy's robe.
You shouldn't have that on.
But it's cozy.
You know what, sweetheart? How about we stop playing a musical instrument and start watching television? Yeah! Yeah, I hear The Grand Wizards of Waverly Place is on.
You know what, let's just get rid of this thing before we traumatize our daughter any more than we already have.
You know, if we just put her in ballet, all I would have to return is a pair of Capezios and an eating disorder.
Can I propose a best-of-both-worlds scenario? Please.
Maybe you should get some chocolate pudding, wipe it all over her face, and then she can perform Blackface Swan.
All right, so in a couple of weeks, no one will even know that it happened.
This is awesome, Andre.
Seriously, thank you for doing this, especially for free.
Uh of course, yes, yes.
I mean, I'll buy you a beer.
Hey, hey.
I'll buy you a beer.
I'm gonna get you some Scar Gel.
I'll be right back.
All right.
I like your outfit as well.
I bet you do.
You got a cute little giggle.
No.
I'm just gonna take you to exam room six.
Need a ride? Oh, that's okay, I can walk.
Unbelievable.
You might be the one to get me back in the game.
Oh.
Oh, come on.
Do you coach? No, not really, no I don't coach.
We're gonna go in here.
I'm on the bench right now, right? Some things ain't working right now.
You just cute as a button.
Look at you.
Thank you.
Right on in here.
So curvy.
Hello, DeRon.
So, what's his deal-- he can smell sex? Yeah.
Even if she towels down her gens post-intercourse, he'll smell it.
Wow, so even if she T's those G's? Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hi, little cutie.
Hi.
Who's this? This is Taco.
This is Michelle.
Friend? Client? Both.
Neither.
Mm.
How are you? Good.
Hear there's a new case for a private jet company.
They're comping a year membership for anyone who gets it, so yeah.
Wow.
Just going to throw my old hat into the ring and see what happens.
Is that what you're calling it these days? Yeah.
Well, wish me luck.
Boob, boop.
Good luck.
Knock, knock, knock.
Hello, sir.
Here's the deal.
We wait out here, if the dog barks when she comes out, she's busted.
Can you hear anything? No, it's like listening to Kevin and Jenny have sex.
There's two minutes of silence, then tears.
Jenny? Kevin.
Oh.
All right, well, will Where where did Ditka where did Ditka go? I don't know, he's pretty independent.
You don't put him on a leash? No.
I'm not the controlling type of dog owner.
Ditka! Ditka! So on the Jackson scale, you kind of want between Tito and Janet, got it.
I don't want Janet's nose.
No, no.
It's a little too thin for me.
I don't want Tito's nose Too big.
it's a little too wide for me.
Got it.
Look at Jermaine.
Jermaine has a nice damn nose.
Um, the main thing, though, I feel is though, because I'm in a wheelchair, you know, it's presentation in a wheelchair.
Right.
Yeah.
Like, you meet a woman Right.
she got big tits, you look right at her cleavage, right? Boom.
First thing you see is the breasts, right? Right.
Yeah.
And I call 'em breasts because they're breasts, right? Right.
But once a woman gets 'em done, those breasts are now titties.
You understand? Right, right, right.
When they meet a person in a wheelchair, the first thing they do is look down at their legs.
So you want to get some implants for your calves.
I need titties.
These are breasts right now.
I need titties.
So you have some leg breasts that you want to make into some leg titties.
You're damn right.
I need leg titties.
Right.
Let's get you some leg titties.
I'm gonna come back with some samples.
I gotta get back in the game, man! You'll get back in that game.
Oh Hi.
This is, uh, DeRon calling.
Yeah, last time I came there, um, I wanted to get my nails done, but there was no one there to help me get in.
Didn't have the ramp put in yet.
Last time I came, you had like four girls to help me get in.
'Bout time, I'm happy to hear that.
I need to get over there, 'cause my nails are shot.
Yeah.
I know.
Yeah, I I was rollin', had my foot came out of the footrest.
Yeah.
And, um, evidently my feet had been dragging for like a few blocks, dragging dragging underneath the chair.
Ditka.
Ditka.
Ditka.
Ditka.
Oh, oh! There he is.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Ditka's having sex with Mr.
Rosenthal's Seeing Eye dog.
Yeah.
I hear Seeing Eye dogs are good lays.
Very obedient.
If I get caught for this, I'm gonna get fired or even worse, have to do pro bono work.
Looks like Ditka's doing some pro bono work himself, huh? Ah! Tilly, will you hold on for just another minute? What has gotten into you, girl? Okay, okay, Tilly.
We'll go for that walk.
All right, girl.
Here we go.
Remember what we learned in school steady gait.
All right.
How you doing, girl? Ruxin? Hey, w uh, what's going on, Mr.
Rosenthal? Someone else is here.
Someone using marijuana.
Wow, he's good.
I took edibles.
Where's my dog? Um, she's here.
She's here, hanging out.
Is she having sex? She's making love.
I would say she's making love.
Is my dog having anal sex? Well, he stayed with me for a full week.
He's bound to pick up a few things.
Ooh, how dare you bring your dog in here to sodomize my dog? Look, we'll get out of here and figure this all out, okay? Oh, no.
Lookit, lookit.
Look, look, look Ah! Let me go! No one treats my Tilly like that! I didn't mean to.
Why are the blind so strong? Why are the blind so strong? All right, so where were we? We were talking about different, uh, calf sizes and implants.
These are not my damn shoes.
What do you mean? These are Vapora Casuals! I had Vapora Sports on! These have no tread! My Vapora Sports have tread all over the place! Loaded with tread! Well, why would you need tread? I didn't that came out wrong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put that back in your mouth right now.
Catch it and put it back in your mouth.
Okay, look, first of all, I need to tell you that I am and will always be a friend of the African-American paralyzed community.
What do you think, there's a community of paralyzed ghetto people? What, there's not? No, there's not.
Okay, well, I will tell you How dare you even ask me that stupid question? I just want you to know that if you You find my damn sneakers now.
Okay, I'll Where's that sexy-ass nurse? Sexy-ass nurse! You got my damn sneakers?! Just keep it down.
Bernice? Yeah, babe, I've got the piano.
I'm just trying to find a place to park.
Oh, shoot.
I think this is a one-way.
Damn it.
All right, I gotta back up.
Hey, butterscotch.
How about some chocolate? Yeah Hey, man, what's Oh, shit! I think I just hit something.
All right, I gotta go.
Oh, my God! Ah! Oh, no, no, no, no.
Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you, I was backing up Look at my velour outfit! You ruined it, it's scuffed.
We can sew it up, I'll sew up the velour.
It's not a big deal.
It's the velour.
It's a scuff.
It's not a rip or a tear.
We'll polish it.
You can't polish no damn velour! Don't you know velour? I don't know from velour! Now look, I'm already late for my appointment, man.
I got a very important pedicure appointment with Mrs.
Kim A pedicure appointment? Don't-don't-don't-don't please don't do that.
I'm just saying, I don't I don't see the point.
Don't do that to me, man.
If I want to take care of my feet, I'll take care of my feet, okay? Have you always taken care of your feet? Why would I not take care of my feet? Because God didn't take care of your feet.
My feet are fine, okay? I look great in sandals.
Please, let-let me help you get to your pedicure appointment.
How dare you, man? Just because I can't use 'em doesn't mean I don't want 'em to look nice.
What can I do? I-I'll help you get there.
Unless you got a wheelchair in the back of this goofy-ass truck, don't say shit to me! I got a appointment to get to! You know what, I don't have a wheelchair, but I think I have something else that might work.
You did this to yourself.
I know.
You did it to me first, and now you're doing it to yourself.
Okay, sorry.
Simultaneously.
Yes, I dropped the piano off one block away.
I No, I don't think it's unreasonable you pick it up one block.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Shoe thief! Shoe thief.
Pete? Kevin? What are you doing with wheelchair guy? I want my shoes back.
Uh-uh.
These are my shoes.
I'm all warmed up now.
You want to see who the better athlete is? Rematch? It's on.
Shithead! Hey, babe, what's your name? Stop him! Stop him! Ah, oh, ow! Ow, Achilles! Achilles! Ah, ah, ah! Oh, shit My hammie ow Oh, shit.
Who's got me? Who's got me? Shit.
Who's got me? Who's got me? Is that your piano? Ah, piano! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Not the face! Ow Oh, my God.
Oh, my velour is beyond scuffed.
Hey, you can't return this.
What? Say hello to your wife for me.
You son of a bitch.
Is this piano playing "Pick A Bale of Cotton"? For the record, I wanted my daughter to take ballet.
Ugh, my leg titties.