The Nanny s04e07 Episode Script
The Taxman Cometh
I can't let you leave the house in that short, little top.
Mr.
Sheffield's not here.
It's gorgeous.
Don't make a stain, I wanna borrow.
Where is he? Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's career day.
I suppose they'll ask me to speak when they have, "Don't let this happen to you day.
" Aww.
Hello, everyone.
Oh! So, how did it go? Oh, it was smashing! I reenacted the history of musical theater from its operatic beginnings right through "Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk.
" - Niles: Ooh.
- Fran: Uh-huh.
That must have brought down da house.
So did your old man deliver or what, eh? Oh, look, I've got that CD you wanted.
There you go: Pearl Bailey.
( Gasps ) Pearl Bailey.
Cool.
Hey, now I can exchange it for Pearl Jam.
I don't understand him, Miss Fine.
Brighton used to worship me.
When? Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, the boy's just going through a phase.
I remember myself there was a time when I didn't even want to speak to my mother.
( Telephone rings ) Then eventually, you outgrow it.
Miss Fine, it's your mother on the phone.
( Whispering ) Tell her I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Hello! Hello! Ah, C.
C.
, how did Jay Leno like our opening number? Loved it.
We are this close to booking it on "The Tonight Show.
" - Ah, yes! - We had an instant rapport.
He had his dog, Harley with him, and I had this little fellow.
Your hat? Oh, my God! Do you know what this means? If this isn't my dog ( gasps ) I could have left this valuable hat in the cab! ( Doorbell chimes ) Oh.
Was this supposed to be a tip? Why did you come back? Four martinis, and she'd have been walking that hat all over New York.
Now, here's the deal.
Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs and he refuses to board his.
I don't know why.
Chester loves the kennel.
When I come to take him home he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.
C.
C.
, you're not telling me you've offered to take care of Jay Leno's dog, are you? It's bad enough, I mean, your dog here, always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time.
Shhh.
Does everybody need to know our business? She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran Oh, Miss Fine, I do appreciate you taking care of Jay Leno's dog, what, with your busy schedule and all.
You know, I don't appreciate you taking a potshot at me.
I mean, I work very hard around here.
II was being serious.
You're kidding.
Uh, Daddy? Uh, not now, honey, we're busy.
- But, Daddy - Sweetheart, we're working.
They're working, Mr.
Leno! Oh! Ooh! Oh, God! Jay! Oh! I'm so sorry! - Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are ya? I had no idea you were already here.
Aw, that's okay.
- Where's Niles? - Oh, he taped "Letterman" last night.
He's watching Oh, thank you! Thank you very much! Off you go! Oh! Mr.
Jay Leno! - I'm Fran Fine.
- Nice to see ya.
Nice to see ya.
Well, I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed with you! Well, well, you know I used to get out and around a lot.
You don't really remember a lot of people, but No! - Not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Although I must admit, I have fallen asleep before you were done.
As long as you don't fake a laugh.
That's really ( Fran laughs ) Guys hate that.
( Fran and Maxwell laugh ) Uh, Jay, please, - why don't you sit down? - Oh, thank you.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have you here.
You I'm still not sure about.
Hey listen, thanks for taking care of my dog.
Oh, no problem.
You know, my mom had one just like that.
Lived in the wall.
Mr.
Leno, would you mind autographing your book for me? I can't tell ya how classy it is that you don't go around hawking it like other celebrities.
Oh, yeah.
I hate that! Meanwhile, have ya read this one? It is a riot.
Plus, it just came out on audiocassette.
I can't believe they'd put this voice on audio! You know, some people find it soothing.
Look, look.
It's just like "Lady and the Tramp.
" Only Tramp had the good taste not to lick himself in front of Lady! He reminds me of my dog Al.
I couldn't stand to have him sleep on the bed, with his stupid pug face.
Always drooling.
And the gas that emanated from that animal! Yetta, that was grandpa.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's your mail.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God! the IRS! What do they want from me? ( Gasps ) A tax audit! Oh, why are they picking on me? Could it be because you declared an adopted foreign child named Haagen-Dazs? Listen, I've spent a lot of quality time with that little bundle of joy.
Mama loves you, baby.
So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I wonder if my accountant knows about this.
Do you know about this? So, Brighton, you ready to teach me how to rollerblade? Oh, eh, you know that girl you like? I thought maybe we could, uh, cruise by her house.
Oh, great, and on the way we can stop by the duck pond so I can drown myself.
Actually, Dad, you know what, I'd love to, but I already have some plans with some friends.
- Oh? - Yeah.
Who? Uh uh Oh, oh, weren't you gonna have burgers at Arnold's with Ralph and Potsie? Right! right! Yeah.
Oh, well, um, maybe I could join you at Arnold's.
Well, maybe, uh, maybe some other time.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Who's Potsie? Oh, shut up! Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him! What's the big deal? He just wants to spend a little time with his son.
Fran, we have nothing in common! We're not even from the same country! People, let me tell ya about my best friend He's a warm-hearted person Who loved me till the end Stay back, stay back.
I'm done.
No more football! I'm done.
( Opera music playing ) ( music continues ) Best friend ( vocalizing ) ( toilet flushes ) What is this unnatural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
Seven? Well, yeah.
You know, that's funny.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
No, I mean the fact that I'm really rich, and you're cleaning toilets in a suit, a tie, and rubber gloves.
Well, you got me that time.
( Doorbell chimes ) - Yes? - Hi.
I'm here to audit Miss Fran Fine? Miss Fine, the IRS man is here! Is that today? Hi.
I'm Fran.
- Hi.
Josh Bassen.
- How do you do? Oh, you bought that dress just for the audit, didn't you? Well I hope you don't try to write it off.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like to introduce to you one of my dependents.
All right, I admit it.
I helped her with her taxes! But you know what? I had a solar calculator, and we did them in the shade! Relax, kid.
It would take a flagrant violation of the tax code for me to actually put someone in jail.
What's your name? Potsie? I don't know why people get so nervous when I audit them.
I just did Pearl Jam last week Oh, my God! You know Pearl Jam? Potsie, you're blocking the view! All right, so now you actually went to Eddie Vedder's house? Well, by the time I'm finished with him, it'll be Uncle Sam's house, but Aaah! Ha ha ha ha! Good-looking and a sense of humor.
I'll tell ya, if I wasn't married with, er, six kids.
Um, if you'll just excuse me, I have to go feed my chinchillas.
What chinchillas? The ones we breed at a considerable loss.
Schedule "C," item 15.
Brighton, I'm just off to the final callbacks for my play about Gertrude Stein.
It's between Maureen Stapleton and Sada Thompson.
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along? Well, first of all, Dad.
Who? This guy knows Pearl Jam! Miss Fine, are you sure this thing with my son is just a phase? I mean, he prefers to spend more time with the taxman than with me.
Oh, well, first of all, you're trying too hard.
I mean, nothing makes a person look more desperate than trying so hard to win somebody over.
Hungry, Josh? Now listen, next time you go through the living room, limp.
You're my husband, and ya got a disability.
What is this? An annoying, yapping dog.
Holding a Chihuahua.
Oh! There's the doggy! Nanny Fine, this mutt is your responsibility.
Well, I just put it down for a second, and it was only 'cause Gracie was gonna scald herself in the tub.
Oh, blah blah blah.
It's not like those children you take care of.
This is a valuable animal.
Meanwhile, I was looking all over for you.
Now you're gonna go and play with Chester.
Oh, what a mieskeit she is.
It's a good thing she's got a rich father.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's another letter from your friend at the IRS.
Oh, wow, this must be a thank-you for that gorgeous, midnight blue, double-breasted Armani blazer I gave him.
Oh, well, like you were ever gonna fit in that again.
Oh, well, he liked the blazer, but he wants something else from me.
- What? - An arm and a leg! This is a $5,000 tax bill.
Fran, I think you'd better come see what Chester and Jay Leno's dog are doing in the dining room.
Oh, sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be? Um, no.
Remember what we saw those two lions doing on the Discovery Channel? Well, I don't suppose they're eating a zebra.
Ooh! Chester, how'd you get your little shirt off? You are going right upstairs, mister, and taking a cold shower! And, you, Miss! You only know him a week! What's your secret? Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do? I don't have $5,000! The government is gonna do to me what Chester just did to Harley.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, it's terrible! Oh, what happened? Mr.
Mooney Fine from the bank again? Ha ha ha ha.
Good-looking and funny.
How much do you owe? $5,000! Oh, calm down, Miss Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
What kind of records have you kept? Oh, I don't know.
A couple of Bee Gees, Captain & Tennille, "the White Album.
" No, tax, tax records, Miss Fine.
Sylvia: Don't take the box! Don't take the box! Schmuck! Ma, when are ya gonna stop torturing yourself by watching that old tape of you and daddy on "Let's Make a Deal"? You traded Paris for the ostrich.
It's never going to change.
Meanwhile, it's the best stew we ever had.
Host on TV: Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine, let me tell you something.
You've won the trip to Paris, but strange things can happen on this show.
You can keep the trip to Paris, or you could trade for what's in that big box on the floor.
( audience shout ) Take the box! Mort: We'll take the box! Oh! I can't watch this.
I am sick to my stomach.
Well, it's a good thing that I have a very organized filing system.
( Sighs ) '95.
'94.
'93? Oh, look at this.
There's an old Rolo in here.
Look.
It's all white.
It's still good.
These receipts are a disaster! I mean, how can this be possible? You have 18 certified public accountants on your father's side alone! Well, we have 17 urologists, but daddy still has three of something that he's only supposed to have two of.
Now listen, if we're found guilty, is there any chance I could do community service at a home for wayward girls? Don't talk to him! He comes into my home, drinks my champagne that expressly says "Send to Lauren Bacall," and Oh, well, what are you looking at, mister? You think that's supposed to scare me? I'm going to the big house! I was just doing my job.
Shame on you for using your sex appeal to get out of paying your back taxes.
I most certainly did not! And shame on you for acting like it was working! It was! When you get out of prison, would you like to have dinner? No! Where? Oh, Miss Fine, don't waste your time with him.
He has nothing to do with it! It's going to be all up to the Appeals Officer.
I would like to start off by saying that I have never seen such a total disregard for the tax laws.
Excuse me, sir, but, um, is this gonna take long? You see, I have to get back to the theater.
Who are you? Oh, Maxwell Sheffield.
I'm a The Broadway producer! ( Imitating Carol Channing ) A kiss on the hand May be quite continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend See, I've always wanted to be in show business.
Would you like to see another one? Oh, did I mention that I'm the Appeals Officer? - Oh ho ho! - Very good! Oh, well! Thank you.
If if you insist.
George Burns.
Oh! Great.
( Imitating George Burns ) You know, I got into heaven.
And, um, I saw God.
And he wasn't feeling well.
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
- Oh! Very funny! - Ah! Excellent! excellent! All right, let's get down to business.
Now, I have reviewed the case, and I agree with my colleague Mr.
Bassen that you look very fetching in that skirt.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thanks.
You can go.
you can go.
However, however, that does not have an impact on my decision about your taxes.
Where are you running? Where are you running? Sit down! Where do you think you're going? Fran, this is inside of me.
Gee, I I see here $86 for apricot facial scrub.
Ah, yes, well, you see, um, as a professional caregiver, Miss Fine needs to glow and be dewy.
Why don't you just slap the cuffs on me now? Relax.
I've still got something up my sleeve.
Oh, unless it's five grand tied to your forearm, I ain't interested.
Max, you make me schlep all the way down here to pick up my dog, then your driver says, "Oh, no.
The dog's already at my house.
" Look, I'm not one for star treatment Do you know who I am? Huh? Jay Leno! Jay! Hey, I watch "The Tonight Show" all the time! - Great.
- Oh! Oh! Watch! Watch! Watch! Watch! Watch! ( Imitating Johnny Carson) Ah, it was so cold in Los Angeles this morning.
- H-h-how cold was it? - How cold was it? An exhibitionist came up to me on Wilshire Boulevard, and described himself to me.
Ha ha ha ha.
Aaah! Ha ha! Don't quit the day job, all right? Ever been audited? You know, I heard something in your voice.
You are very good.
You know, we haven't had an impressionist on the show in a long time.
- Really? -Yeah! Why don't we have a cup of coffee? Let's talk about an appearance for you.
Oh! Sure! I think you're great.
Uh, case dismissed! This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
Using your slick show biz connections to make fools of the government.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Sheffield.
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway.
Okay! So you like your old man now, huh? Listen, what do you say we take in a movie, huh? Aw, gee, Dad, I'd love to, but I'm going to the movies with Julie from my class.
Oh, well, I can join you.
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know, I, uh, cleared the whole afternoon for this, and it's still early, so I thought maybe you and I could do something really sinful.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, you are clairvoyant.
What do you say about a pizza with everything on it? It's uncanny.
Oh, Miss Fine, what do you know about Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant? Um, that depends.
Are you happy about it or angry? He canceled my cast appearance on his show.
Then I don't know anything about it.
Miss Fine, that dog was in your care.
How could you let this happen? Well, I tried to pull them apart as fast as I can, but I guess I came too late, and Chester too early.
Miss Fine! Well, this may come as a shock to you, mister, but sometimes there is just no controlling animalistic passion.
Yes, well, that's the difference between us and animals.
- Oh yeah? - Oh, yeah No! Stop that! Stop that! ( Jazz music playing )
Mr.
Sheffield's not here.
It's gorgeous.
Don't make a stain, I wanna borrow.
Where is he? Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's career day.
I suppose they'll ask me to speak when they have, "Don't let this happen to you day.
" Aww.
Hello, everyone.
Oh! So, how did it go? Oh, it was smashing! I reenacted the history of musical theater from its operatic beginnings right through "Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk.
" - Niles: Ooh.
- Fran: Uh-huh.
That must have brought down da house.
So did your old man deliver or what, eh? Oh, look, I've got that CD you wanted.
There you go: Pearl Bailey.
( Gasps ) Pearl Bailey.
Cool.
Hey, now I can exchange it for Pearl Jam.
I don't understand him, Miss Fine.
Brighton used to worship me.
When? Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, the boy's just going through a phase.
I remember myself there was a time when I didn't even want to speak to my mother.
( Telephone rings ) Then eventually, you outgrow it.
Miss Fine, it's your mother on the phone.
( Whispering ) Tell her I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Hello! Hello! Ah, C.
C.
, how did Jay Leno like our opening number? Loved it.
We are this close to booking it on "The Tonight Show.
" - Ah, yes! - We had an instant rapport.
He had his dog, Harley with him, and I had this little fellow.
Your hat? Oh, my God! Do you know what this means? If this isn't my dog ( gasps ) I could have left this valuable hat in the cab! ( Doorbell chimes ) Oh.
Was this supposed to be a tip? Why did you come back? Four martinis, and she'd have been walking that hat all over New York.
Now, here's the deal.
Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs and he refuses to board his.
I don't know why.
Chester loves the kennel.
When I come to take him home he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.
C.
C.
, you're not telling me you've offered to take care of Jay Leno's dog, are you? It's bad enough, I mean, your dog here, always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time.
Shhh.
Does everybody need to know our business? She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran Oh, Miss Fine, I do appreciate you taking care of Jay Leno's dog, what, with your busy schedule and all.
You know, I don't appreciate you taking a potshot at me.
I mean, I work very hard around here.
II was being serious.
You're kidding.
Uh, Daddy? Uh, not now, honey, we're busy.
- But, Daddy - Sweetheart, we're working.
They're working, Mr.
Leno! Oh! Ooh! Oh, God! Jay! Oh! I'm so sorry! - Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are ya? I had no idea you were already here.
Aw, that's okay.
- Where's Niles? - Oh, he taped "Letterman" last night.
He's watching Oh, thank you! Thank you very much! Off you go! Oh! Mr.
Jay Leno! - I'm Fran Fine.
- Nice to see ya.
Nice to see ya.
Well, I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed with you! Well, well, you know I used to get out and around a lot.
You don't really remember a lot of people, but No! - Not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Although I must admit, I have fallen asleep before you were done.
As long as you don't fake a laugh.
That's really ( Fran laughs ) Guys hate that.
( Fran and Maxwell laugh ) Uh, Jay, please, - why don't you sit down? - Oh, thank you.
I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have you here.
You I'm still not sure about.
Hey listen, thanks for taking care of my dog.
Oh, no problem.
You know, my mom had one just like that.
Lived in the wall.
Mr.
Leno, would you mind autographing your book for me? I can't tell ya how classy it is that you don't go around hawking it like other celebrities.
Oh, yeah.
I hate that! Meanwhile, have ya read this one? It is a riot.
Plus, it just came out on audiocassette.
I can't believe they'd put this voice on audio! You know, some people find it soothing.
Look, look.
It's just like "Lady and the Tramp.
" Only Tramp had the good taste not to lick himself in front of Lady! He reminds me of my dog Al.
I couldn't stand to have him sleep on the bed, with his stupid pug face.
Always drooling.
And the gas that emanated from that animal! Yetta, that was grandpa.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's your mail.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God! the IRS! What do they want from me? ( Gasps ) A tax audit! Oh, why are they picking on me? Could it be because you declared an adopted foreign child named Haagen-Dazs? Listen, I've spent a lot of quality time with that little bundle of joy.
Mama loves you, baby.
So what are you going to do? I don't know.
I wonder if my accountant knows about this.
Do you know about this? So, Brighton, you ready to teach me how to rollerblade? Oh, eh, you know that girl you like? I thought maybe we could, uh, cruise by her house.
Oh, great, and on the way we can stop by the duck pond so I can drown myself.
Actually, Dad, you know what, I'd love to, but I already have some plans with some friends.
- Oh? - Yeah.
Who? Uh uh Oh, oh, weren't you gonna have burgers at Arnold's with Ralph and Potsie? Right! right! Yeah.
Oh, well, um, maybe I could join you at Arnold's.
Well, maybe, uh, maybe some other time.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Who's Potsie? Oh, shut up! Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him! What's the big deal? He just wants to spend a little time with his son.
Fran, we have nothing in common! We're not even from the same country! People, let me tell ya about my best friend He's a warm-hearted person Who loved me till the end Stay back, stay back.
I'm done.
No more football! I'm done.
( Opera music playing ) ( music continues ) Best friend ( vocalizing ) ( toilet flushes ) What is this unnatural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
Seven? Well, yeah.
You know, that's funny.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
No, I mean the fact that I'm really rich, and you're cleaning toilets in a suit, a tie, and rubber gloves.
Well, you got me that time.
( Doorbell chimes ) - Yes? - Hi.
I'm here to audit Miss Fran Fine? Miss Fine, the IRS man is here! Is that today? Hi.
I'm Fran.
- Hi.
Josh Bassen.
- How do you do? Oh, you bought that dress just for the audit, didn't you? Well I hope you don't try to write it off.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'd like to introduce to you one of my dependents.
All right, I admit it.
I helped her with her taxes! But you know what? I had a solar calculator, and we did them in the shade! Relax, kid.
It would take a flagrant violation of the tax code for me to actually put someone in jail.
What's your name? Potsie? I don't know why people get so nervous when I audit them.
I just did Pearl Jam last week Oh, my God! You know Pearl Jam? Potsie, you're blocking the view! All right, so now you actually went to Eddie Vedder's house? Well, by the time I'm finished with him, it'll be Uncle Sam's house, but Aaah! Ha ha ha ha! Good-looking and a sense of humor.
I'll tell ya, if I wasn't married with, er, six kids.
Um, if you'll just excuse me, I have to go feed my chinchillas.
What chinchillas? The ones we breed at a considerable loss.
Schedule "C," item 15.
Brighton, I'm just off to the final callbacks for my play about Gertrude Stein.
It's between Maureen Stapleton and Sada Thompson.
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along? Well, first of all, Dad.
Who? This guy knows Pearl Jam! Miss Fine, are you sure this thing with my son is just a phase? I mean, he prefers to spend more time with the taxman than with me.
Oh, well, first of all, you're trying too hard.
I mean, nothing makes a person look more desperate than trying so hard to win somebody over.
Hungry, Josh? Now listen, next time you go through the living room, limp.
You're my husband, and ya got a disability.
What is this? An annoying, yapping dog.
Holding a Chihuahua.
Oh! There's the doggy! Nanny Fine, this mutt is your responsibility.
Well, I just put it down for a second, and it was only 'cause Gracie was gonna scald herself in the tub.
Oh, blah blah blah.
It's not like those children you take care of.
This is a valuable animal.
Meanwhile, I was looking all over for you.
Now you're gonna go and play with Chester.
Oh, what a mieskeit she is.
It's a good thing she's got a rich father.
Oh, Miss Fine, here's another letter from your friend at the IRS.
Oh, wow, this must be a thank-you for that gorgeous, midnight blue, double-breasted Armani blazer I gave him.
Oh, well, like you were ever gonna fit in that again.
Oh, well, he liked the blazer, but he wants something else from me.
- What? - An arm and a leg! This is a $5,000 tax bill.
Fran, I think you'd better come see what Chester and Jay Leno's dog are doing in the dining room.
Oh, sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be? Um, no.
Remember what we saw those two lions doing on the Discovery Channel? Well, I don't suppose they're eating a zebra.
Ooh! Chester, how'd you get your little shirt off? You are going right upstairs, mister, and taking a cold shower! And, you, Miss! You only know him a week! What's your secret? Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do? I don't have $5,000! The government is gonna do to me what Chester just did to Harley.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, it's terrible! Oh, what happened? Mr.
Mooney Fine from the bank again? Ha ha ha ha.
Good-looking and funny.
How much do you owe? $5,000! Oh, calm down, Miss Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
What kind of records have you kept? Oh, I don't know.
A couple of Bee Gees, Captain & Tennille, "the White Album.
" No, tax, tax records, Miss Fine.
Sylvia: Don't take the box! Don't take the box! Schmuck! Ma, when are ya gonna stop torturing yourself by watching that old tape of you and daddy on "Let's Make a Deal"? You traded Paris for the ostrich.
It's never going to change.
Meanwhile, it's the best stew we ever had.
Host on TV: Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine, let me tell you something.
You've won the trip to Paris, but strange things can happen on this show.
You can keep the trip to Paris, or you could trade for what's in that big box on the floor.
( audience shout ) Take the box! Mort: We'll take the box! Oh! I can't watch this.
I am sick to my stomach.
Well, it's a good thing that I have a very organized filing system.
( Sighs ) '95.
'94.
'93? Oh, look at this.
There's an old Rolo in here.
Look.
It's all white.
It's still good.
These receipts are a disaster! I mean, how can this be possible? You have 18 certified public accountants on your father's side alone! Well, we have 17 urologists, but daddy still has three of something that he's only supposed to have two of.
Now listen, if we're found guilty, is there any chance I could do community service at a home for wayward girls? Don't talk to him! He comes into my home, drinks my champagne that expressly says "Send to Lauren Bacall," and Oh, well, what are you looking at, mister? You think that's supposed to scare me? I'm going to the big house! I was just doing my job.
Shame on you for using your sex appeal to get out of paying your back taxes.
I most certainly did not! And shame on you for acting like it was working! It was! When you get out of prison, would you like to have dinner? No! Where? Oh, Miss Fine, don't waste your time with him.
He has nothing to do with it! It's going to be all up to the Appeals Officer.
I would like to start off by saying that I have never seen such a total disregard for the tax laws.
Excuse me, sir, but, um, is this gonna take long? You see, I have to get back to the theater.
Who are you? Oh, Maxwell Sheffield.
I'm a The Broadway producer! ( Imitating Carol Channing ) A kiss on the hand May be quite continental But diamonds are a girl's best friend See, I've always wanted to be in show business.
Would you like to see another one? Oh, did I mention that I'm the Appeals Officer? - Oh ho ho! - Very good! Oh, well! Thank you.
If if you insist.
George Burns.
Oh! Great.
( Imitating George Burns ) You know, I got into heaven.
And, um, I saw God.
And he wasn't feeling well.
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
- Oh! Very funny! - Ah! Excellent! excellent! All right, let's get down to business.
Now, I have reviewed the case, and I agree with my colleague Mr.
Bassen that you look very fetching in that skirt.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thanks.
You can go.
you can go.
However, however, that does not have an impact on my decision about your taxes.
Where are you running? Where are you running? Sit down! Where do you think you're going? Fran, this is inside of me.
Gee, I I see here $86 for apricot facial scrub.
Ah, yes, well, you see, um, as a professional caregiver, Miss Fine needs to glow and be dewy.
Why don't you just slap the cuffs on me now? Relax.
I've still got something up my sleeve.
Oh, unless it's five grand tied to your forearm, I ain't interested.
Max, you make me schlep all the way down here to pick up my dog, then your driver says, "Oh, no.
The dog's already at my house.
" Look, I'm not one for star treatment Do you know who I am? Huh? Jay Leno! Jay! Hey, I watch "The Tonight Show" all the time! - Great.
- Oh! Oh! Watch! Watch! Watch! Watch! Watch! ( Imitating Johnny Carson) Ah, it was so cold in Los Angeles this morning.
- H-h-how cold was it? - How cold was it? An exhibitionist came up to me on Wilshire Boulevard, and described himself to me.
Ha ha ha ha.
Aaah! Ha ha! Don't quit the day job, all right? Ever been audited? You know, I heard something in your voice.
You are very good.
You know, we haven't had an impressionist on the show in a long time.
- Really? -Yeah! Why don't we have a cup of coffee? Let's talk about an appearance for you.
Oh! Sure! I think you're great.
Uh, case dismissed! This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
Using your slick show biz connections to make fools of the government.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Sheffield.
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway.
Okay! So you like your old man now, huh? Listen, what do you say we take in a movie, huh? Aw, gee, Dad, I'd love to, but I'm going to the movies with Julie from my class.
Oh, well, I can join you.
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know, I, uh, cleared the whole afternoon for this, and it's still early, so I thought maybe you and I could do something really sinful.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, you are clairvoyant.
What do you say about a pizza with everything on it? It's uncanny.
Oh, Miss Fine, what do you know about Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant? Um, that depends.
Are you happy about it or angry? He canceled my cast appearance on his show.
Then I don't know anything about it.
Miss Fine, that dog was in your care.
How could you let this happen? Well, I tried to pull them apart as fast as I can, but I guess I came too late, and Chester too early.
Miss Fine! Well, this may come as a shock to you, mister, but sometimes there is just no controlling animalistic passion.
Yes, well, that's the difference between us and animals.
- Oh yeah? - Oh, yeah No! Stop that! Stop that! ( Jazz music playing )