The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e07 Episode Script

So,you didn't hear it from me but that's why my brother can't date Asian women.
Your brother sounds interesting.
Oh,you can say "crazy.
" I'm not protective.
So,Ritchie's at his grandparents for a few days, which means we have the house all to ourselves.
Oh.
I don't think I've given you a tour.
-Unh-unh.
-Okay.
So,this here is the downstairs.
Mm-hmm.
Do you want to see the bedroom? -Yes,I do.
-Okay.
Can I tell you something that might freak you out? Uh,you don't really own a winery? No,I do.
Oh,then nothing else matters.
I brought my toothbrush.
Oh,wow! You own a winery and you brush your teeth.
Mmm,I think I could love you.
Now,give me a hand getting out of these tummy flattening undies.
There's a "jaws of life" under the pillow.
Christine! Yeah,I'm up here! Ooh,uh,sh-should I leave? Oh,no,it's fine.
It's just my ex.
Well,is,is he going to kill me?! No.
-Should I hide? -No! Should you at least take your hands out of my pants? Oh,yeah,probably.
Oh,hey,sorry.
I thought you were alone.
She's normally alone.
Uh,Patrick,this is my ex-husband,Richard.
Oh,nice to meet you.
Likewise.
Richard,what are you staring at? Sorry,t's just seeing a guy in your bed, it's like seeing a yeti.
Well,the act's coming along.
What else do you want? Oh,my mom called-- Richie needs his iPod.
-Do you know where it is? -Oh,yeah.
It's in the top drawer of my bureau.
Sorry about that.
Ritchie can't sleep without his iPod.
We're trying to wean him off of it.
Good luck,it took him two and a half years to get off the boob.
They still look great though.
I mean,you know,it'll be dark,so I can't find it.
No,no,no,no,no! -No! -Ow! Not in that drawer! God! Yeah,the wrong drawer.
It's not a big deal.
It's just it's a p-private drawer.
That's why I can never find batteries in this house! Here is the iPod.
Thanks.
Oh,hey,did you get a new bedspread? No,you've seen this.
Is it cotton? We have a silk one in our bed and it's nice but it's so hot.
No,no,no,you've got to get cotton.
I'm still here.
Oh,sorry,you know,Richard,you need to go.
It was nice meeting you.
Yeah,good luck with the comforter.
So,where were we? Oh,yeah,I remember.
I was going to kiss you right about Should we talk about what just happened? Oh,yeah,you know what? That's not such a big deal.
You know,most single women have a drawer like that.
You should see my friend Barb's.
It's a trunk.
I-I'm talking about you and Richard.
You two are very close,huh? Oh,okay,yeah.
I knew this was going to come up sooner rather than later.
Um,okay,yes.
I have an unusually close relationship with my ex-husband,and it's been a problem for other guys I've dated.
The drawer kind of grew out of that.
But seriously,you know,it's important that you're on board for the Richard thing, 'cause you're going to have to either take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
You will? Of course.
Christine,I really like you.
Oh,wow.
The "take it or leave it" thing has never really worked in my favor before.
I think what you and Richard have is,is nice.
I mean,I wish I had that kind of relationship with my ex.
Oh,no,no.
I would not be okay with that.
Proudly Presents Good morning,Matthew.
Hmm.
How are you,you handsome man? Morning,Mom.
So,I had another great date with Patrick last night.
There's nothing wrong with this guy.
I told him everything;he didn't flinch.
Not about the underwear.
Yuck.
Not about the drawer.
Ugh.
He's even cool about my relationship with Richard.
Ew.
Why is that an "ew"? Well,you and Richard are annoying.
We are not annoying.
Oh,really? Wait till Patrick finds out about those stupid games you make up.
What stupid games? Uh,there's "Guess What I'm Eating," uh,"What Does This Smell Like?" uh,and there's the super irritating,"Wig or Real Hair?" Let me tell you something.
Wig or Real Hair is the best game ever.
Uh,Richard showing you a picture he took of someone's head and you saying it's a wig,is not a game.
You're just mad because we don't let you play.
-I don't want to play; -it's not a game.
If it's not a game,then how do I have over 10,000 points? Uh,that's because when the game was invented you were sleeping with the judge.
You know what's different about this relationship,Matthew? You're not sending yourself roses to make yourself seem more desirable? No,I did that.
But what's different is me.
Hmm.
Yeah,I've decided that I am just too old to waste my time pretending to be something that I'm not.
You know,I laid it all out there for Patrick.
Gross.
Yeah,I did.
I mean,he can either have this relationship on my terms or not at all.
I'm like,um,uh, who's a woman who finally gets what she wants by standing up for herself? Mrs.
Doubtfire? Yeah,I'm like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
I'm like the Mrs.
Doubtfire of relationships.
I should write a book about dating in my thirties.
Only if you wrote it ten years ago.
was good work today,nutty-- Nancy.
I don't know why I said nutty.
You're not nutty.
You're Nancy-- Nancy normal Well,I'll see you,see you next week.
Hey,so this is your office.
My dentist is in this building and I saw your name on the directory.
Oh,that's nice,so you came up to visit? No,my dentist doesn't validate so I need two dollars so I can get out of the parking garage.
Eh,that's nice,too.
So,what was that last girl's problem? Uh,not a girl but I can't say more than that.
I bet she's a fire starter.
I've seen that look before.
Not going to tell you,Barb.
I mean,I took an oath.
It was online,but I was holding a Bible.
Well,it wasn't a Bible.
Harry Potter.
Fine.
So,how exactly does this work? People just lie here and tell you stuff? And-And what do you do? Well,you know,I listen.
I offer suggestions.
Sometimes when I get bored I draw little pictures of squirrels.
Hmm.
This is comfortable.
You know,when I first met Pete he reminded me a lot of my dad.
Uh,Barb.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Just talking.
Laying on the couch and talking.
I've never been to therapy,and I'm curious.
So,when Pete and I first got married, we took a cruise with my parents.
Okay,Barb,stop.
No,you can't do this here.
What? I was just thinking about where it went wrong with Pete and I want to talk it through.
I mean,I would've told my dentist this stuff but he had his hands in my mouth.
Yeah,I can't be your therapist.
Oh,I don't want you to be my therapist.
I'm just talking to my friend.
You're my friend,right? Well,yeah,but,uh Friends talk about stuff.
Yeah.
So,let's talk.
You're good,Matthew.
That story would have shocked most people.
I feel better.
I should call someone.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Can I hang out here for a little while? Sure.
Why? New Christine's sister and mom are over at the house talking about the wedding,so I had to clear out.
It started out nice,but then it kind of seemed like they were trying to talk her out of it,so I decided to leave before I gave them any more ammunition.
Yeah,my mom tried to warn me.
You should've listened.
Are you going out? Yeah,I'm meeting Patrick.
He's taking me to that new French place down the street.
You're kidding.
Unh-unh.
I've been trying to get a reservation there for a month.
How did he get in? He owns a winery.
That's how he got in there.
And that's how he's getting in here.
A winery,man.
The only businessperson New Christine knows is some guy who makes his own dog food.
Well,I guess you could come with us.
On your date? Uh-huh.
I'm not going to do that.
I'll eat at home.
I've got some lamb and rice Christine left in the fridge.
Nah,it'd be fine.
Patrick's totally cool about us.
Okay.
If you're sure he won't be mad.
Nah,he won't.
I told him you were going to be around a lot, and he's going to have to either take it or leave it.
So he took it.
Really? Yeah,I mean,Richard.
Who's going to leave this? I left it.
No,I left it.
Well,the important thing is one of us left it before we killed it.
So,come on.
Patrick knows the deal.
I feel like it could be awkward.
Oh,how could it be awkward? Wig.
Wig.
Wig.
No,wait,go back,go back.
That one looks real.
No,wait,wig.
Wow! You're on fire.
Yeah.
You want to play once? I'm not sure I understand it.
I'll start you off with an easy one.
Wig.
Well,actually,no,that's me.
That's my screen saver.
And that's worth 10,000 points! That was the best cr me br l\e I ever had.
Rich,though.
I'm glad we shared it.
Yeah.
Wasn't it great? I actually didn't get any.
You two ate it while I was in the bathroom.
Oh,I'm so sorry.
It's just that it was so small.
I kind of panicked a little.
You want to come inside? I don't know.
Oh,come on.
I'll open up a nice bottle of wine, and I promise I won't drink your glass when you go to the bathroom.
All right,I'll come in for a while.
Oh,great.
Richard,you up for that? Uh,maybe I should take off.
No,no,don't be silly.
Patrick doesn't mind.
Yeah,I don't mind.
Because I'm going home.
What? Good night,Christine.
Richard.
Have a great time.
Wh-What just happened? I think he just left it.
-Hey.
-Hey Richard told me what happened so I made you a tuna casserole.
I usually make it for funerals but it seemed appropriate.
Any word from Patrick? Nope.
He's not calling me back.
And I thought we had such a good time on our date.
Didn't we,Richard? I mean,did you notice anything strange on our date? Whose date? Our date.
Me and Richard and Patrick.
Oh,come on,now,don't make this all weird.
But it is weird.
You shouldn't ask your ex-husband on a date with your new boyfriend.
I think she might be right,Christine.
I kind of felt that way last night, but I didn't want to miss out on a free meal.
Maybe you're using your relationship with Richard to keep from getting close with Patrick.
You might have intimacy issues.
No,that's not what this is about at all.
This is me stating what I want in a relationship for the first time in my life,okay.
It's honest,it's mature.
-It's stupid.
-You're stupid! I think you're scared and you're using Richard to avoid intimacy with Patrick.
Avoid intimacy? Please,You should have seen what I was doing to him with my foot under the table.
Oh,God.
That was you? Oh,God.
That was you? Why dn't you say something? I thought it was Patrick and he was paying for dinner.
I didn't want to be rude.
Richard,you better hope my mother and sister don't find out about this.
They already offered to pay me $5,000 not to marry you.
You going to take it? Take it.
You guys,how well do you know Barb? We've been friends since college.
She's my husband.
Well,she told me something yesterday in the office that's shocking.
And even though I'm not her therapist, I think if I told you I'd be crossing a line.
But I so need to tell someone.
She's a fire starter isn't she? She's always accusing other people of being fire starters.
That's probably because she is a fire starter.
Yeah,she fits the profile but she's not a fire starter.
Did she kill someone? She has a lot of rage.
I mean,it's what keeps our marriage interesting.
Is it about sex? I bet it's about sex.
And fire.
And rage.
No,it's not.
Well,can you tell us a story about that? Or,if you can't tell us what Barb said, maybe you could act it out for us.
That might be all right.
It says nothing in the oath about charades.
Ooh,great! I'm so good at charades! Um,oh! You're skinny.
Uh,you're pale? Uh,you're a prisoner! Ooh! You're a prisoner of war! I haven't started yet.
Oh,oh,sorry.
You're looking good,uh,by the way.
Oh,ar-are you a bird? Are you a crane? Are you karate kid? Ooh,are you Ralph Macchio? Oh,my God.
You're telling them! No,no,no.
I was showing them not telling them.
And it was a totally different Ralph Macchio story.
Not every Ralph Macchio story is about you,Barb.
You're a terrible therapist.
I told you,I'm not your therapist.
Well,you're an even worse friend.
She may have you there.
What am I going to do? ll tell you what you're going to do.
You're going to go apologize.
And you're going to go to Patrick and tell him how you feel.
And that is the last time that you're going to play footsie with anyone other than your fianc\e.
Hey,uh,who put you in charge? I'm sick and tired of watching you idiots run around screwing up your lives.
She may have us there.
Thank you so much for going out with me again.
Thank you so much for coming alone.
I know,I know.
I-I really don't want to mess this up.
You know,um,stupid Richard's stupid fianc\e said something so stupid and I think she might be right.
Um,I think that I'm trying to push you away because I'm scared of how much I like you.
Well,I really like you,too.
And if you were trying to push me away you did a good job.
A really good job.
Seriously,I almost changed my phone number.
That's happened.
What are you afraid of? Ugh,I'm in my thirties.
And you're afraid I'm going to find out you're not in your thirties? No,I'm always going to be in my thirties.
But,um, I-I've dated a lot of guys,and I know all the things that can go wrong in a relationship.
Like what? I don't know,like,uh,I like you more than you like me, or you like me in the beginning,but then it doesn't last.
You know,I never thought when I got married that I'd get divorced.
Did you? No.
No,but we did.
You know,things fall apart.
Even when they seem perfect.
Love changes to hate.
Hate to repulsion.
Repulsion to lust.
Lust to revenge.
Then fun.
Then sad.
It's awful.
It is awful.
God,I was so sad after my divorce.
Right? And even if we're one of the rare cases that don't break up and we're happy Bam! One of us dies and the other is left devastated and alone.
My God.
It is scary,Patrick! It really is scary.
So,what do you want to do? Well,obviously it would be insane to put ourselves through that kind of pain.
Especially when we like each other so much.
Yeah,so,we're breaking up? I think it's best.
Yeah.
Oh,hey,thanks for coming here.
I want to apologize for what I did.
Yeah,you should apologize.
You were my therapist.
I was not your therapist! But maybe I shouldn't be anybody's therapist if I can't keep my mouth shut.
I'm certainly not helping that sex addict you saw in here yesterday.
She's a sex addict? Oh,my God! What is wrong with me? Don't be too hard on yourself.
That story I told you was pretty good.
That story was unbelievable.
Yeah,that's because it wasn't true.
What? I saw Ralph Macchio at my dentist's office, and the rest I got on CSI.
What are you doing to me? Why would you do that? I don't know.
I started talking and my story sounded so tame, I didn't want you to start drawing squirrels.
My worst fear is that people will think I'm boring.
And squirrels.
Why would anyone think you're boring? I don't know.
I grew up with three really interesting sisters, and I was always afraid I was going to disappear.
Wow,you should talk to someone about that.
That's a real issue.
Yeah.
I never told anyone this but there was this one Christmas when the te went up in flames.
I don't care that I'm scared.
What? And I don't care that you're trying to scare me off.
Oh,I'm not.
Uh,this is just what I look like without make-up.
No.
Before.
I know it's scary.
I know we don't know how it's going to end.
But I want to be with you anyway, because I also know that I would regret walking away from this.
Yeah,keep going.
You're good at this.
I want to do this.
Do you? Oh,my God.
Are you proposing? The answer is yes! What? No.
No,no,then the answer is no! Are you trying to freak me out again? No,no.
I don't know.
I'm confused.
You know,I-I-I don't want to get married again.
Neither do I.
So what should we do? I don't know.
So,are we breaking up,then? I guess so.
Okay,well,um,thanks for coming over.
Wait,that's not why I came over.
You're confusing me.
Can't we just be together and take it slow? Slow? Oh,yeah,I can do slow.
And then fast and then slow again.
Do you want to see my bedroom? Yes,I do.
Okay.