The Ranch (2016) s04e07 Episode Script

1 [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
You know a divorce means it's over, right? - [COLT SIGHS.]
- There's no coming back from that.
Apparently, what there's no coming back from, is me lying about selling cattle.
Are you kidding me? You know that it's more than that.
It's about me trusting you.
Oh my God! I just can't I can't talk about this anymore.
It's like a like a shitty amusement park ride.
It just won't end.
It just keeps going round and round.
I just want it to stop! So I can get off and get my picture and eat my fucking churro.
That's great.
I'm trying to save our marriage and you're making jokes.
[SHOUTS.]
I don't know what else to do! You don't trust me! You never will.
Why the fuck you wanna be married to me? Here we go again! When things get hard, you just blame someone else, huh, and run away.
- Oh I run away? - Yeah! [SHOUTS.]
You took Peyton Why am I doing this? Look, think what you wanna think.
- [DOG BARKING.]
- I'm done.
I just want it to be over.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Has there ever been a better wingman in history than Luigi from Super Mario Brothers? - What? - Well, this son of a bitch, he's jumping over turtles, he's falling down tubes, battling Bowser.
At the end of the day, it's always Mario that gets to plough Princess Peach.
Luigi? All he gets to ride is Yoshi.
Deep down, I ain't so sure that Princess Peach even wants to be with Mario.
[COW MOOS.]
I mean, he's a plumber.
All he's ever gonna be is a plumber.
Yeah, she liked him back in high school, when he won three state plumbing championships.
Now, he makes one mistake, she just moves into her own apartment with his kid.
She expects him to be Super Mario all the time, but he's just a man.
Hey, bud, are you okay? You wanna talk about something? No! No talkin'.
Never no more talkin'.
Just hypothetically, if Mario and Peach ever call it quits, he'd be fine with Luigi getting in there and laying some pipe.
Yeah? - No.
Mario would not be fine with that.
- [CAR APPROACHES.]
Oh, shit.
Here we go.
[COLT.]
I got this, we'll be fine.
Stick to the story.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Pong.
Hey, boy! What you been up to, pal? Hey, Colt.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I was training to be a hostage negotiator.
Unfortunately, unlike football, you start out 0-2, they bench you real quick.
What ya doin' round these parts? - Come to get this back? - [LUKE AND COLT LAUGH.]
[PONG.]
Dammit, Colt! Do you know anything about the dam explosion on the Stockwell Ranch last night? Lisa Neumann's pretty sure you had something to do with it.
[LAUGHS.]
No.
No way, I We heard about it, but I was at my dad's wedding all night.
The only thing I blew up was the dance floor.
Yeah, Pong, you shoulda saw it.
Show him some of your floss.
- Let's take a look.
- No.
He - He's gonna love it.
- Yeah? All right.
[LUKE.]
Huh? [UNENTHUSIASTIC.]
Great! Damn! It's better with music.
Okay, so everybody at the weddin' knows you were here all night? Yeah.
Well, I mean.
.
It was not all night.
At one point, everyone took off to the bar.
I just stayed back here with Ab.
Mm-hmm.
You think Ab would make a statement? They won't let me do the interview, you know, 'cause we're all friends.
Even though no one's RSVP'd to my birthday.
I need to know so we have even teams for laser tag.
Look, Beer Pong, no one wants to go 'cause your dad takes it too seriously.
Yeah, I'm I'm sure Ab would be fine giving a statement.
And for the record, after the bar, I was in my cabin watching Frozen.
You're not a suspect.
I wish I hadn't volunteered that then.
[BEAU.]
Hey, Billy.
What you doin' out here? Hey, Mr.
Bennett.
I'm sure you heard that someone blew up Lisa Neumann's dam.
Really? I hadn't heard that.
Hey, I gotta get goin'.
Congratulations on the wedding, Mr.
Bennett.
I didn't get you a gift but if you want, I can let you supermarket sweep the evidence locker.
Thanks, Billy.
I got all the unregistered guns I need.
You can't tell me that! I'm new to this game.
When do we give this back to him? Oh, Jesus! [LAUGHS.]
What the fuck did you do? I did what I had to do to protect my ranch.
Like you said you did back in the day.
Jesus Christ, Colt! That was a long time ago.
If you went to the doctor, with a cough, he'd recommend you switch to Marlboro Lights.
It's bullshit.
Peterson put up a deer stand on your property, you tore it down 'cause you knew he was in the wrong.
That was two old men bickering over a fucking pile of wood.
You took down a dam that belongs to a giant corporation.
They could put you in fucking jail! Uncle Beau, we're just trying to save the ranch.
Oh, you're part of this, too? Absolutely not.
I was in my cabin watching Frozen.
Lisa Neumann ain't playing fair, so why should we? [SHOUTS.]
'Cause we're better than that.
We been ranchin' this fuckin' land for generations.
And we always did things in an honorable way.
Until now.
[BIRDS SQUAWKING.]
- Hey.
- Hey, Colt.
- I ran into Bob Kincaid earlier.
- Oh, yeah? The cops stopped by and questioned him and his family about the dam.
[COLT.]
Hmm.
They oughta question Bob Kincaid on how he gets his eyelashes to be so full.
When that guy blinks, looks like he's waving.
I wish you'd have come to me first.
We coulda figured out another solution.
Coulda raised your cows at Iron River.
[CHUCKLES.]
'Cause Lisa Neumann would really go for that.
Got a better shot at starting for the Broncos next year.
We don't know what Lisa woulda said.
You didn't give us a chance to ask.
Instead, you just went off and did whatever the fuck you want, without thinkin'.
[GRUNTS.]
The dam's down, water's flowin', cows are drinkin'.
I finally get why people say that you don't need alcohol to be happy.
Want a beer? - Hey! - Hey.
Let me help you with that.
Thanks.
I'm glad you're helpful.
Safeway isn't.
They've gone to self-checkout.
Got so tired of scanning this stuff, - I didn't even pay for half of it.
- [COLT.]
Shit.
I don't know the produce code for fucking cantaloupe.
I used to work there.
[JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
D'you pick up that Muscle Milk I asked you for? You didn't ask me to get Muscle Milk.
Yeah, I did.
I put it on the list.
I remember 'cause right next to it, I drew a picture of a little cow with biceps and a speech bubble saying, "I'm beefin' up.
" [BEAU.]
Does it matter? You been drinkin' that shit for years.
They oughta call it Skinny-Ass Arms Milk.
I didn't forget your stupid milk because you didn't put it on the damn list.
I'll pick some up at Walmart.
I like getting it there, anyway.
There's this ole gal on the checkout station, she always says, [HIGH VOICE.]
"You don't need this.
" [LAUGHS.]
And I say, "Well, feel free to rollback the prices but do not rollback the compliments.
" It's kind of our thing.
I woulda known if it was on the list 'cause you wouldna been able to spell "milk.
" - Joanne, it's okay.
- No, it's not! He's accusing me of something I didn't even do! If one of us screws up here, who do you think it's gonna be? Musta been my mistake.
And I don't need your goddamn condescension.
Look it up.
- Joanne, wait.
- Leave me the fuck alone! - She okay? - She look like she's doing okay to you? [COLT SIGHS.]
Lookee there.
I got a brand new thing of Muscle Milk right here.
[DOOR KNOCKS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'll get Peyton's things.
[PEYTON COOS.]
Hey.
Oh.
You framed the photo of the day Peyton was born, huh? Yeah.
Now that she's real cute, we can both admit that she came out super ugly, huh? Look, I'm not really in the mood for small talk, okay? Here's all her bottles for the day, extra clothes, I'll pick her up tonight.
Also, she has a teething toy that looks like car keys.
So don't try and start your car with them, like I did.
Yeah.
Can I talk to you about something? Yeah, I saw your flossing video on Facebook.
I'm not 'liking' it.
No, it's Police have been poking around about that Neumann's Hill dam.
They're probably gonna come talk to you.
Just tell 'em I was with you the whole night.
Wow.
I thought you'd had second thoughts about a divorce, but you want me to lie to the cops for you.
I just need your help with this.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
People lie to the cops all the time.
"I was driving the speed limit, officer.
" "Only had two drinks, officer.
" "I didn't know it was your wife, officer.
" This to a friend of mine.
I'm not gonna be your accomplice.
The dam's down.
I already "accompliced" it.
I need your help as an alibi.
If the cops wanna talk to me, I'm not gonna lie for you.
If I get caught for this, I'm going to jail.
You shoulda thought of that before you removed the dam.
[PEYTON STARTS CRYING.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sorry, Bambi.
It's just weird when I'm walking around naked.
I can't have you checking out my Thumper.
What the heck? "Rooster's emergency zombie kit"? Mm-hmm.
Ah Huh.
Well, that's the exact same as Rooster's emergency Hillary Clinton gets elected kit.
- [DOOR KNOCKS.]
- Yeah? [MARY.]
Hey.
What are you doin' here? I need help.
You need help? Hmm.
I've heard that one before.
Y'know, a lot of people called me stupid for trusting you again.
But when Colt calls you stupid, that's a fucking wake-up call.
I'm not doin' it again.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, look.
I wanna go to rehab in Grand Junction.
And Look, all I'm asking for is a ride.
Okay? If I try to take myself there, I will never make it.
I mean I wish I believed that a ride was all you wanted, but I don't.
[SIGHS.]
I did heroin last night.
[SIGHS.]
I know.
So stupid.
[SIGHS.]
The worst part is it was so fucking good.
I mean, it was like the best pizza after the best sex in the most comfortable bed you have ever had.
Really? Man, I like all those things.
No, just say no.
Okay.
Fine.
I will give you a ride.
Okay? But under one condition.
We walk outta here, get in that truck now and leave.
We're not going back to yours, you're not packing.
We go.
[MARY.]
Thank you.
[LUKE.]
Okay.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh.
You found Rooster's emergency North Korean invasion kit.
Ah.
[COW MOOING.]
All right, Dale.
Thanks.
Actually, she just walked in.
She'll appreciate you sayin' that.
Right.
All right, Dale, stop talkin'.
Dale.
Dale.
Dale! That was Dale.
- You're okay? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey.
I just needed to be alone.
I went to church.
Didn't know whether to pray to God or curse Him.
I felt the same way when a Donald became president.
[JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
Then, all of a sudden, I sat down at the organ and started to play.
My mom made me have lessons when I was a kid.
How is it that I remember all the songs, but I can't remember Colt's stupid Muscle Milk? He was right.
It was on the list and he spelled "milk" correctly.
"Muscle" was a disaster.
- Guess he can't spell it or grow it.
- [LAUGHS.]
Listen.
We all forget things.
It's no big deal.
Exactly.
It's no big deal, but I tore Colt's head off.
The kid was born with a face that's easy to yell at.
It was like I became a different person.
I I didn't have any control.
And the one thing that's always been constant, is my mind.
Some days, I feel smart.
Some days, I don't.
Some days, I feel strong.
Some days, I don't, but I always feel like me, and to know that, someday, I'm I'm not gonna be The doctor said there could be mood swings.
Times when you didn't feel like yourself.
My grandmother had this disease.
We used to go visit her, and she'd get scared, and she'd scream at us to get out.
She had no idea who we were.
She thought we'd broken into her room or were trying to kill her.
- Jesus.
- It was just awful.
I don't want that to happen.
I want to go out on my own terms.
What do you mean? When the time comes when there's more of that other person than there is of me, I want you to help me end the suffering.
Jesus, Joanne! Let's not even talk about that.
I'm only gonna get worse and worse until I'm gone.
Well, I'm not gonna do it! I promised to take care of you in sickness and in health.
But this would be taking care of me.
You of all people should understand that.
What if the roles were reversed? Remember the time you went to the dentist for a check-up, and you told me if anything goes south, to pull the plug? Stop! We're done talkin' about this.
[QUIETLY.]
You like it? Oh, yeah.
You like the bug light, don't you? - [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- It's pretty, isn't it? It also zaps 'em.
Aye! Whoa! Okay! That's a no-touch.
That's why Daddy did that, so now you know.
[CAR APPROACHING.]
[COLT.]
Hey.
Hey! Janice, I err thought Abby was comin'.
She's running errands, so I'm here to pick up Peyton.
- [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- Hi there, sweetheart! Oh.
Looks like Daddy took time to do his hair but not yours.
I I really need to talk to her.
About the divorce? Ah.
She told you about that.
[INHALES.]
Colt I don't know how to put this, so I'm just gonna say it.
What the fuck are you thinkin'? Ha.
Maybe I do know how to put it.
Look, Janice, I appreciate you weighin' in here.
It's kinda complicated.
There's things you don't understand.
Really? 'Cause you been married a few months, I've been married 40 years.
Great, no offense, but, it's not like you and Chuck are that happily married.
Your Christmas stockings say "Janice," "Abby," and "Asshole.
" That is an inside joke because he is such an asshole.
Chuck and I love each other.
When I get good news, he's the one I share it with.
And when I get bad news, he's the shoulder I cry on.
He's my best friend.
And I wouldn't wanna go a single day without him.
Or wine.
I wouldn't wanna go a single day without wine.
I'm not sure Abby loves me as much as you love wine.
Hell, I'm not sure I love Peyton as much as you love wine.
Abby still cares.
Even when she was talking about the divorce, she said how much she loves you.
And when she texts her friends, she says the same thing.
- Why you reading her texts? - That's not important.
Two months ago, you ran into a fire because you were so scared of losing her.
If you walk away right now, you'll lose her forever.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
Know when she'll be done runnin' errands? [JANICE.]
Well let's just take a little look-see on Find My iPhone.
D'you spy on her all the time? No.
That's what she gets for staying on the family cell phone plan.
[COLT.]
Oh Yeah.
I'd be on my dad's, but he's only got five minutes' talk, no data, no text, so Somehow, he manages to get them minutes to roll over.
She's nowhere near the Walgreens.
She's at the police station.
That's not good.
How you holdin' up? Not great.
Remember when I said heroin is like the best pizza, after the best sex in the best bed? Well, withdrawal's like eating a a Cicis pizza after fucking your cousin in a dumpster.
Disgusting.
I'd never eat Cicis pizza.
Ha! [INHALES SHARPLY.]
You know, I'm I'm proud of you for doing this.
I've been avoiding going to those PTSD meetings for years.
It's kind of inspiring.
Like that last scene of Rudy.
If all of his teammates were carrying him off to rehab.
[MARY SIGHS.]
Maybe I'll meet somebody cool there.
I heard that that Channel 32 weatherman, - he's in and outta rehab.
- No! - Gus T.
Winds? - [MARY CHUCKLES.]
Thanks for taking me.
[LUKE.]
Course.
I think you'll look back on this as the day your whole life turned around.
And when you get out, I'll be right there to bring you home.
Or, you know, maybe you could take a shuttle.
This is a lot farther than I thought it was.
[LAUGHS.]
Shit.
[SIGHS.]
You are a really good guy.
- [LUKE.]
Mm - Yeah.
Way better than I deserve.
Oh, God.
Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.
Oh, fuck.
I appreciate the immediacy of your review, if not the content.
No, it's just the withdrawal.
Can you do me a favor? Can you Can you get me a ginger ale? [LUKE.]
Yeah.
Err You a Schweppes gal or Canada Dry? I just did heroin.
I'm not, you know, real discerning about my ginger ale.
Hmm.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[SHOUTS.]
Mary! - Hey! - Hey.
What's this? I thought it might be nice if we played a game.
Ooh.
You wanna play a game? Sure.
And after, we can go test-drive a Prius.
[BEAU LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll go first.
Got any fours? Go fish.
A trout.
Trout is a freshwater fish.
What the fuck would a trout be doin' in the same water as a seahorse? [JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
This game makes no sense.
I agree.
What the hell are we doing? After our last conversation, I wanted to learn more about your condition.
So I did some research.
Got Dale to help me go on the Internet.
Aw.
You went on the Internet for me? Aren't you afraid the Russians can track you now? Course I am.
But it was worth it.
Although it wasn't easy.
When I went to search Alzheimer's and I typed A-L, the computer said, "Did you mean Al Gore?" No, I fucking did not.
Anyway, I found an article that said you could help delay some of the symptoms with games and puzzles.
Oh, that's very sweet! But if you wanna play a card game, then we're gonna have to put money on it, drink whiskey, and you better prepare to get your ass kicked.
[BEAU CHUCKLES.]
So I thought a lot about what you said earlier and I think I understand.
You do? Yeah.
You wanna go out on your own terms.
I mean, shit, Elway did it.
So, I gotta respect it.
I bet Brett Favre wishes someone woulda taken him out before he joined the Jets.
I can't imagine what it must feel like to know part of you's slipping away.
But I do understand wantin' to go out with your dignity.
And if that's what you want, I'll help you because I love you.
Thank you.
As hard as this is, it'd be a million times harder without you.
I do have one condition.
If I get into a similar situation, I expect you to do the same for me.
- You wanna make a pact? - Yeah.
I can't trust Colt.
He's never gonna pull the plug once he realizes I can't stop him from huggin' me.
We have a deal.
Look at us.
We been married two days.
We already agreed to kill each other.
[LAUGHS.]
- Thank you, Hank.
- Of course! And remember, five-star rating is always appreciated.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey, Hank.
I see you got your driver's license back.
Huh? Err Yeah, sure.
Why was Hank giving you a ride home? Where's your truck? Err Mary stole it.
- Mm.
Mm.
- [COLT.]
Jesus Christ! Come on, man, that's just sad.
Look, take it from me.
If you're gonna be this dumb, you gotta work a lot harder at being good lookin'.
[SCOFFS.]
I mean, I shoulda seen it coming.
I really thought she wanted help this time.
But, no, just another way to screw me over.
I already felt like shit, and then I gotta sit in Hank's car while he picks up two people and takes them to the airport.
Jesus! Oh, boy.
Here comes Abby.
[LUKE.]
Mm-hmm.
Did she speak to the police yet? [SIGHING.]
Well yeah.
I think that's where she's coming from.
Hmm.
Apparently, she gonna tell 'em the truth.
What? Why would she do that? Let me just handle it.
Hey, listen.
Just in case, I'm gonna see if Hank can Uber us up to Canada.
We'll be safe there.
They got Tim Horton's poutine and all-nude strip clubs serving poutine.
I mean, even if she covered for us, we should take a trip to Canada.
Hey, Luke.
Hey, Abby.
When you play Mario Kart, you ever pick Luigi? Dude! Been tryin' to call you.
I've been at the police station.
Yeah, I know.
Your mom You should really change the code on your phone.
- So err - [ABBY CLEARS THROAT.]
How'd that go? I told them that you were with me the whole night, so Jesus! Thank you.
Thank you, so much.
I owe you.
I Listen, you know what? We're going to Olive Garden.
And not just for the soup, - and salad, and the breadsticks.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Bring your passport, 'cause you're gonna take a Tour of Italy.
You don't owe me anything.
I, err I do.
Err I talked to your mom.
Maybe we should talk about the other night.
Yeah, I know.
I've been thinking about it, too.
Like you said we're never gonna fix this, so Here.
What's this? Divorce papers.
Abby, hold on.
You were right.
There's nothing more to talk about.
Hey, Colt.
Lisa.
What you doin' here? We need to talk about my dam.
I heard about that.
I was at my dad's wedding all night.
In fact, there's a video on Facebook of me busting moves on the dance floor.
Look no further, America does got talent.
Did you know that there is an old wildlife camera on Jean Stockwell's property? - What? - Yeah.
Apparently they set it up a few years ago to track mountain lions in the area.
I didn't even know it was there.
Then one of my guys found it.
It's Okay.
I see what you doin' here.
Trying to get me to confess, huh? It ain't gonna work.
I've seen enough spy movies.
Are you wearing a wire? [LOUDLY.]
I didn't fuckin' do it.
[LISA.]
And here is a still from the video.
Time stamped just a couple of minutes before the dam blew.
[COLT.]
Okay.
You got me.
What you wanna do? [LAUGHS.]
I like you, Colt.
I really do.
And I don't wanna send you to jail.
So, I'm gonna give you a choice.
Now, either I turn this into the police or you sell me your ranch.
Paying dues don't pay the bills Dreams come true And I think mine will Lesser fools woulda given up They don't go for broke Like a dreamer does You gotta get back up When you get knocked down Twelve years in to a ten-year town This next song Could turn it all around I'm twelve years in to a ten-year town