The Simple Life (2003) s04e07 Episode Script

Hi, everybody.
NARRA TOR: Paris Hilton is a successful model, author, singer and designer.
-I'm here today to meet Paris Hilton.
-We love you, Paris! The new campaign is so much hotter.
NARRA TOR: And now she's bottled that sweet smell of success.
WOMAN: Are we ready to roll, or do you want a few minutes? I'm ready.
(CHEERlNG) NARRA TOR: Today is the launch ofher signature perfume, Just Me.
(SCREAMlNG) I'm going to look into her eyes, I'm going to be like, "Paris, I love you, and remember this face.
" -I love you so much! -I love you so much.
-Can I hug you? -Yeah.
Thank you, Paris! Thank you.
-Can I have a kiss on my cheek? -Hi.
(CRYlNG) What's your name? WOMAN: You look so pretty.
NlCOLE: Who are you? NARRA TOR: While Paris puts in some face time with her fans, Nicole is busy putting her face on for a fashion photo shoot.
Okay, ready to be shot.
I got a whole tattoo of you.
That's hot.
I love that.
-Are we done? -MAN: We're done.
(SlGHlNG) I really need a vacation.
-I need a vacation.
-I know.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: It's time to go visit another family, but Paris is running late struggling to prepare a gourmet breakfast.
Nicole is right on schedule thanks to a few helping hands.
Y eah, I'm leaving my dad's right now.
I'll be there soon.
I don't know why I ever left home.
NARRA TOR: Learning to be housewives is hard work for Paris and Nicole.
So, for a change ofpace, today they'll find out about family vacations.
Because it's the little things in life that really matter.
Hi.
We're the Contreras family.
I'm a single dad.
I have two boys: Christian, who is ten, and Jacob, who is five.
I'm really nervous about Nicole and Paris because they're gorgeous, and they're going to be at my house.
I don't know who Paris is.
(EXCLAlMlNG) Welcome to my room.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) -Hi.
Hi, I'm Paris.
-Hi, Paris.
How are you? -It's nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-My name's Ramiro.
-Hi, Ramiro.
I'm Paris.
Pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
-What's your name? -Christian.
-This is my son Jacob.
-Hi, Jacob.
-RAMlRO: Very happy to have you here.
-Thank you so much for having me.
The reason why you're here is I'm going on a divorce right now.
It's been a year, and we haven't had a vacation.
I want you to see if you can help plan a nice camping vacation.
Yeah, of course.
(BARKlNG) NARRA TOR: Everybody's excited, but Paris and Nicole have no idea what they're getting themselves into.
-Yosemite is about a nine-hour trip.
-Nine hours? -Nine hours? -Nine.
That's brutal.
Mojave National Preserve, that one's five.
-Hours? -Five hours, yeah.
Do you have anything that's minutes? -Where is L.
A.
? -L.
A.
is here.
Where's the Playboy Mansion? -Playboy Mansion? -Yeah.
There is a local camping ground here.
It's about 15 minutes from here.
That sounds much better.
(BARKlNG) Do you have bread and butter for toast? Is there a coffee shop? They don't have it This is just Do they have butler services there? -No, no, no, no, no.
-Where do you crap? You go behind a tree.
-Hi.
Do you guys have Port-A-Potties? -MAN ON PHONE: Yes, we do.
-I need one Port-A-Potty.
-Okay.
I just want to make sure that the Port-A-Potties are good for, like, any situation, -in case I have diarrhea -Yeah.
All right, thanks, gorgeous.
Love you.
I guess we're Okay, we can start packing.
NARRA TOR: The novel idea ofpacking doesn 't seem to sit too well with Paris.
Will you open that bag for me, please? NARRA TOR: Meanwhile, Nicole gets right to business, gathering all of the camping essentials.
Still not ready for packing, Paris decides to get her kicks another way.
PARlS : I'm not in the best shoes for this.
Jacob, Christian, pass it! Yeah! Got it.
We're going to need music on the trip, right? You need to take a lot of warm clothes, 'cause it's gonna be cold.
Where are his, like, fur coats? -This is like a fur coat to him.
-No real fur? Do you have any animals I can skin? (SQUEALlNG) NARRA TOR: While Nicole goes the extra mile, Paris is still looking for a sweet escape.
Ice cream man.
Hello.
Do you want any ice cream? We're gonna need 10 Chills, 10 lce Tickles, You said you like Strawberry Shortcake? -I love Strawberry -I got 10 of them.
-Wow! -We're stocked.
Actually, can I have five more of these little blonde bitches? We're stocked.
-Thank you.
-Great doing business with you.
Bye, sexy.
RAMlRO: We're gonna leave now.
We're going camping.
NARRA TOR: Finally, Paris joins Nicole gathering all the comforts ofhome.
It's so much better on the grass.
How are we gonna put all this up there? Oh, my God, this is so heavy.
-Paris, do we really need that? -Yes.
I love just being comfortable.
We don't really need all that stuff up there.
You told me to plan this trip.
I'm in the hotel business.
Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
-RAMlRO: All right, we're done.
-We're just waiting for one more thing.
-No, we have everything ready to go.
-Nope.
We're waiting for just one more delivery.
Oh, look, it's here.
Nicole, what are we going to do? Let's just drag it over here.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Here.
Our van does not have a ball.
Well, guys, why don't you just go in there and take your last poo and For 24 hours.
Come on, guys.
(SHOUTlNG) -Oh, my God, that's so scary.
-Sorry.
Okay, let's go in the van.
-You ready? -Daddy, my tongue is blue.
-Jacob, you got to go in the back.
-No.
-Yes, because you need a seat belt.
-It's the law, baby.
PARlS: Are you guys buckled up? NlCOLE: I hope nothing falls off the roof.
This traffic is so annoying.
It's going to take 20 hours.
Wait a minute, why are you getting off the exit? Where are we going? It's a surprise.
RAMlRO: We can't camp here.
PARlS: Yeah, we can.
Home, sweet home.
NARRA TOR: The Contreras family was hoping Paris could take them on a memorable family camping trip.
Excited to go camping? NARRA TOR: But it turns out, she just isn 't into roughing it.
We wanted to get a room that's best for camping.
NARRA TOR: Meanwhile, Nicole is still on the road.
-Were you a handful for your parents? -No, my parents love me.
They just got out of the hospital for a nervous breakdown.
(TlRES SCREECHlNG) (SCREAMlNG) What's wrong with you? Oh, my God! Who is that? -That was scary, Nicole.
-Sorry.
I'm not the best driver.
Here we are.
-How are we supposed to camp in here? -There's the forest.
How are we gonna do the marshmallows? -You don't trust me? -Nope, I don't trust you.
-Do you want to set up a tent? -Yeah.
-What's this? -What? CHRlSTlAN: We did it.
RAMlRO: Not done yet.
This is too hard for just the two of us to do.
Do you know how to assemble a tent? Do you guys know how to assemble a tent? Do you know how to assemble a tent? NARRA TOR: As usual, Nicole is all about teamwork, getting everyone involved in the camping trip.
I'll let you guys have some manly bonding.
(LAUGHlNG) I don't really want to put this thing together.
I mean, we've already done it for, like, half an hour.
It's boring.
-Guest services, Miss Hilton.
-All right.
Can you help us with the tent? And then you can have an ice cream break with us.
Okay, I'll help you with the tent.
NARRA TOR: Seems like Paris and Nicole have more in common than they thought.
Do you guys make the men do all the work around here? -Of course.
See, look.
-What do you think? WOMAN: Fine example, right there.
I like it that way.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome, Miss Hilton.
-Thanks, bitch.
-No problem.
Now what did you think about assembling the tent? It was pretty easy.
Where's pee? RAMlRO: Do you want to use the restroom? NlCOLE: No problem.
-How far away would you like them? -Just right there.
Because sometimes they get pretty smelly.
Can you just put it right by our tent? -Oh, my goodness.
-lsn't this cool? Hey! -It's mine.
-Mine! PARlS: All right, now it's time for our ice cream break.
Having fun? I see the tent up, sleeping bags, but it's not like the mountains, not like really camping.
You know what? I'm going to surprise you guys.
Go eat some lunch or do whatever you want, and by the time you get back up here, it's going to be better than any forest -you've ever seen in your life.
-Come on, let's go.
Hello.
Yeah, is this the zoo? -Do you have any cash on you? -No, I don't.
-Why? -I forgot to bring food.
Attention, everyone.
We have entertainment here.
His name is Jacob.
He's very famous.
If you want to listen, you need to give up some of your food.
NlCOLE: I love it, his little groupie.
(CHEERlNG) Who will let us cook some food? I just, I don't know, I need some animals.
Will these animals be okay with, like, little Chihuahuas? All right, just make sure it's something that won't kill my dogs.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Thanks.
We need, like, cooked food.
We need a stove for it.
CHRlSTlAN: Dig it.
Attention, everyone.
There are no toilets here, and I am the only one that brought a nice, beautiful Port-A-Potty.
So if anyone has to crap, they have to let us use their stove.
-Has anybody asked to use the restroom? -I think everyone's constipated.
-Do you guys have anything to start a fire? -We've got something in the trailer.
How about us? What about our fire? I haven't eaten all day, in two days.
Look at the tears.
Feel my heart.
Please? Give her the things.
Let her start her fire.
Thank you so much.
Can I have a hug? -Sure.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
You don't know what it means to me.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
Bye.
-Bye.
You did it.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR) One second.
-Hello.
-Hi.
-I brought something for you, Miss Hilton.
-Thank you.
From one to ten, what do you rate this trip? -Five.
-Five? Why? Just in the hotel, and -And we're eating -Regular food.
Regular food.
It's perfect.
No bugs, no cold, and room service.
-Hi, guys.
-Hi, Paris.
You guys made me feel bad because you said that you wanted to go on a real camping trip, and there was no animals, and there was no trees.
We're going to go on a real camping trip.
I have a map.
And we're going to hike the mountain, go up to this forest.
PARlS: Careful! This mountain is so big! This mountain is huge! PARlS: Be careful of the bears.
RAMlRO: Bears? No, no, no.
JACOB: (CRYlNG) I'm not going up.
I was just kidding.
I was kidding.
I'll look after the hot dogs.
Will you guys set up the sleeping bags? -Sure.
But don't touch the wood.
-I won't.
Because we haven't ate, so we're very hungry.
I'm so hungry.
How does it taste, Jacob? -They taste like wood.
-It's like dirt.
(PHONE RlNGlNG) Hey, guys, it's Nicole.
PARlS: Here we go! PARlS: You want me to help you? RAMlRO: Can you do it, Jacob? Can you pick up three pizzas from the Gourmet Pizza Parlor? You guys excited? -Yes.
-We're almost to the forest.
This is easier than the mountain.
(CAWlNG) (SHUSHlNG) RAMlRO: Want to go pet the bear? NARRA TOR: After a long day of doing everything but camping, the Contreras family can 't believe what Paris has done to their Hilton Hotel suite.
God! This is so cool.
This is really cool.
What do you think, boys? -You did a great job.
-What's better? This or the real thing? This.
It's all right, it's all right.
So sweet.
PARlS: I wanted to make it memorable and fun and educationaland inexpensive.
It's on me.
NARRA TOR: Ramiro and the boys can 't get enough ofParis ' camping playground.
At Nicole's campsite, though, they're still tired, cold and hungry.
Unfortunately we don't have any money, or food.
CHRlSTlAN: This sucks.
NARRA TOR: But Nicole is expecting help from above.
Look.
I think it's maybe the police or something.
I smell pizza.
Pizza? Oh, my God! Those are my friends, -and I had them come and deliver us pizza.
-No way.
-No.
-Yeah.
(NlCOLE WHOOPlNG) Pizza! Let's go, guys! RAMlRO: Yeah! I've never been so close to a helicopter before.
-What's up, Brian? -How you doing? -Got some hot, fresh pizzas for you.
-Thank you.
RAMlRO: That is so great! You guys are hungry, we made you some pizzas.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
We've been so cold and so hungry.
-Can we come with you? -Sure.
Absolutely.
-Let's go, guys.
-Oh, my God! -Come on.
-Bye! The boys were just very happy.
We just couldn't believe it because not everybody gets a chance in life to fly in a helicopter.
-This is cool.
-Yes! Nicole, I'm sorry, honey, but I can only take five.
Sorry, Brian.
You can take my car.
BRlAN: Okay.
NlCOLE: Okay.
-Bye.
-RAMlRO: Bye, Brian.
-Bye-bye.
-PlLOT: Okay, clear! -PlLOT: Okay, everybody okay? -Yeah.
-PlLOT: Good to go? Okay.
-Yeah.
-Wait! Wait! The keys! The keys! -Keys, keys, keys.
PlLOT: Okay, we're on our way.
(YAWNlNG) It's been a long day, right? -Where are we gonna sleep? -We're gonna sleep in the tent.
Good night.
See you in the morning.
Good night.
-Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
-Okay.
There won't be any, though.
I'm very impressed.
This is actually what I was looking for in a family vacation.
I didn't expect it was going to be like this, but you did a great job.
-Thank you.
-I'm glad you guys had fun.
I haven't seen my boys that happy in a long time.
We'll remember this for the rest of our lives.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-Sleep well.
-Thank you.
-Did you guys have fun? -Yeah, a lot of fun.
Our goal was to have a camping trip today.
-Yeah.
-And some things went kind of wrong.
But, at the end, you pulled it off for us.
-Good job.
-Bye, guys.
Goodbye.
Thank you very much, Nicole.
-Bye, Jacob.
-Bye.
My dad is, like, an only parent, and he has to take care of us, so we're so glad that we went on this trip.
Today was cool! -We had lots of fun.
-She's leaving.
I'm leaving.
It's okay.
It's okay.
We had fun.
I'll come visit you.
-Jakie.
-Do you want me to? Do you want me to come back and visit? I will.
Can I have one more hug? The helicopter is going to take you guys home, okay? -Thank you.
-Bye, guys.
Bye.
RAMlRO: I would think that Nicole would have the best chances ofbeing a great mother.
I see that glow in her eye that she's really interested in kids.
Have a good night, you sexy mother -Bye.
-Bye.
NARRA TOR: A day of camping ends with everyone happy.
Why are you crying? NARRA TOR: Well, almost everyone.
Brian still can 't find the van key.
Paris had a great time camping, but sleeping in a tent is one thing this heiress won 't do.
Housekeeping.
NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life.
The lesson of the day is housekeeping.
I don't know how to do, like, -ls that okay? -No.
(SCREAMlNG) You've gotta be kidding me! (SCREAMS) NlCOLE: This is my dad.
Dude, she wrecked my house.