Two and a Half Men s04e07 Episode Script

Hello? Hold on.
Are you in for Suzanne? I kinda have to be.
You didn't put your hand over the phone.
Oh, right.
Sorry, he's not here.
Gimme, gimme.
Sorry about that.
My brother's kid.
Yeah, dumb as a stump.
Hi.
I'm not sure I have the right address.
No, you got the right address.
Charlie, it's for you! Who is it? Karma.
What? ur chickens have come home to roost.
Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking Ew Charlie, it's for you! Hey great to see you again.
I don't think we've met.
Really? Really.
Are you trying to give me a stroke? Is that what you're trying to do? Well, it's about time.
Oh, hey, Mom.
I got the cleaning stuff you wanted.
Well, don't just stand there.
Get in the kitchen and start using it.
Fine.
Berta, aren't you going to introduce us? Oh, I'm sorry.
Where are my manners? Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi- the lighof my life.
A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.
Mom! And when she got knocked up and lost her job, she had to come live with me.
They fired you for being pregnant? Yep.
Being pregnant and stealing a few office supplies.
Eight computers and a Xerox machine.
Not all at once.
So which one of you guys is the rich one who likes to party? Get to work.
All right.
And when you're done in the kitchen, you can scrub the toilets.
All right! If she spent more time on her knees than on her back, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Not necessarily.
Should she really be scrubbing toilets in her condition? Hey, when I was pregnant with her I worked right up until my water broke.
And then I used the water to mop the floor.
I exaggerate for effect.
Wow.
Yeah, and we think our family's screwed-up.
No, no, I meant, "Wow, Naomi is hot.
" What? Come on.
She's ripe and luscious.
I just want to caress that taut, voluptuous belly and, you know Ungh Who are you? Oh, come on, you can't tell me you don't appreciate the beauty of a woman in that condition.
Okay, look, freako.
I get the aesthetic appeal of a woman with the glow of motherhood, a new life growing inside of her, blah, blah, blah.
But long story short- once there's a bun in the oven, I don't feel the need to butter it.
Well, then you have missed out on one of the great sexual experiences a man can have.
There had to be one.
When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but she just could not get enough of me.
And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman, I just Okay, seriously, you got to stop that.
I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning ckness and hemorrhoids.
Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Morning sickness and hemorrhoids? No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
You are such an idiot.
All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Experts, shmexperts.
Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog.
See how you like it.
Okay, okay, clearly, we have different opinions.
All I know is, I find pregnant women very erotic.
* Men * Excuse me? Oh, 's just a little indigestion.
So, uh, she's got you doing a little ironing, huh? Yeah.
Boy, I can't wait to get this day over with and take a nice, hot bath.
You know, uh, we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub.
It, uh, has those jets and I'm okay.
Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, fine.
You, uh, you want me to run some water for you? No, no, I couldn't.
I got to keep working or my mom'll be all over me like hair on soap.
Mm, you, uh, you do paint a picture.
But still, you, you shouldn't be working in your condition.
Come on, just, uh, just sit here.
I'll, uh, I'll finish it for you.
Really? Yes, really.
Why, thank you.
You're not doing a very good job anyway.
Ooh.
Hot.
So, you know what the baby is? Well, I'm hoping for human.
Uh, no, no, I meant boy or girl? Oh, it's a girl.
Oh, oh, that's nice.
I always wanted a girl.
I mean, you know, I love my son, but let's face it, girls are so much smarter and more spiritual than boys.
Plus, we got all the boobies.
All the good ones anyway.
Courseright now, mine feel like two big bags of wet sand.
Nice.
My back is killing me, my feet are swollen, and I'm passing gas like a NASCAR pit crew.
Well, I-I think you look beautiful.
Aren't you sweet? Ooh.
God, it feels like she's playing Hacky Sack in there.
Wanna feel? Yes.
Come on.
What's going on here? Oh, hi, Berta.
The baby was kicking and Naomi asked me if I wanted to feel the baby kicking and I said, "Sure," which is when you walked in, and that's pretty much it.
Okay.
Yes, it is okay.
It is okay.
Hey, you're having a new granddaughter.
W- What a blessing, huh? Yeah, sort of takes the sting out of this one being a gullible tramp.
Now, get off your rump roast and finish the ironing.
Oh, wait, relax, Berta, I'll do the ironing.
Why don't you just let Naomi take it easy? Easy's the reason e's in this condition.
Get to it.
All right.
You know, if, if your back is really bothering you, I'm a chiropractor Zippy! Yes? Conference.
Yes.
Zippy is kind of an affectionate nickname 'cause I'm quick.
What are you doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility.
She's going to be a single mother with no job skills.
I want her to be able to support herself with some dignity.
Oh, please, what kind of dignity can a woman have ironing clothes and cleaning strangers' toilets? I'll tell you what kind.
The dignity of an honest buck for an honest day's labor.
off to the working gal.
Excuse me.
* Men * Berta? Go away.
Uh, I actually need to use the bathroom.
Well, I'm using this one.
Are you okay? Yeah, Chlie, I am just aces.
All right, uh Would you like a magazine? Go away.
Berta, I'm coming in.
Is it okay if I come in? Hi.
I didn't want you to see me like this.
Yeah, well, it's better than the image I had in my mind.
What's wrong? What do you think? Your daughter? I had such hopes for her.
Of all of my girls, she was the smart one.
She was the smart one? Go on.
I really thought Naomi would make something of herself, you know? A career, a family.
A house that wasn't just a horse trailer with a futon in it.
Don't blame yourself.
It's not your fault.
Who said anything about being my fault, you nimrod? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm just saying that-that you did the best you could.
How the hell do you know? Actually, I-I don't.
But I am something of an expert on where girls go wrong.
When-When they start sleeping around, it-it's usually a daddy thing.
At least in my experience.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Charlie.
You're welcome.
But you can stop now, 'cause it ain't your forte.
Okay.
I'll tell you whose fault it is.
Ronald Wiedermeier.
Who? The sleazeball who pollinated my little flower then disappeared like cupcakes at a pot party.
Damn that Ronald Niedermeier.
Wiedermeier.
Him, too.
Well, I'll tell ya, I am not gonna let him get away with it.
Good for you.
Guys like that need to know that there's consequences to their actions.
They need to learn that-that women are people with feelings.
They're not just vaginas that talk.
"Vaginas that talk"? Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier.
You know, Charlie, you may be a pig, but in this case, you're right.
Thank you.
What did I say? We need to teach Mr.
Wiedermeier a lesson.
I don't think I said that.
Come on.
No, really, I-I am almost positive I didn't say that.
You know, I still have to pee.
Where the hell are we? It's called Rancho Pacoima.
Huh.
It's very brown.
Yeah, not much grows here except meth labs and cold sores.
Just out of curiosity, what exactly are we hoping to accomplish here with this Ronald guy? Well, in the perfect world, he'd dump his wife and marry my little hose bag.
But I'll settle for him stepping up and paying for his mistake.
And if he declines? That's why I brought you.
Me? All I can do at this point is pee on his rug.
You still have to go? Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate.
Can we pull over for a minute? In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy.
Take a left right here.
That's not a road.
Well, not during rainy season.
Oh, God! I think I hit a dog! Don't worry.
It was just a rat.
It's okay.
He's getting up.
* Men.
* What's this stuff called again? Vitamin E oil.
Oh.
Feels really good.
Ah Hey, Mom.
I'm ready to go.
Where's your father? He's in the den rubbing oil on Naomi.
Who's Naomi? Berta's daughter.
Your father's rubbing oil on a woman in front of you? Nah.
I couldn't watch.
It was too creepy.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Oh, and by the way, I found out why I get bad grades.
It's all your fault.
Why is it my fault? You know.
Oh, yeah, Alan.
Ah Wait in the car.
Alan, what do you think you're doing? Oh, hi, Judith.
Naomi here w worried about stretch marks, and I was showing her how vitamin E can help prevent them.
You know, like I did with you.
And then you walked in, and that's pretty much it.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Hey, why don't you pull up your top and let her check out your belly? I will not! So he rubbed this on you, too? Oh, he rubbed all right, but it was only to satisfy his own twisted needs.
Excuse me, but you were the one that was constantly horny.
And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you? Hey, when the bar is only open nine months a decade, you drink till you puke.
And then you keep drinking.
That's funny.
Hey, buddy.
You're turning into quite the little ninja, aren't you? There's just one thing I don't understand.
Well, wha-what's that, honey? If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins? No.
Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter.
* Men.
* Lot of cold medicine.
He must have allergies or something.
You don't watch 60Minutes, do you? What? You Ronald? No.
Ronald, who is it? Damn it, Darlene.
We're incognito, remember? You cops? Yeah.
I'm Scully.
This is Mulder.
Listen, can I use your bathroom? No, no, it's, uh, not functioning correctly.
We use the Chevron up the block.
Bye.
No bye-bye.
So, Ronald, this is the deal.
You've knocked up my little girl, and I want to know what you're gonna do about it.
Well, that depends.
On what? Who's your little girl? Naomi.
Naomi? Oh, I haven't seen Naomi in a real long time.
About eight, nine months? Yeah, that sounds right.
Ew.
Ronald, what's going on? Nothing, sweet cheeks.
Okay, look, I'd like to keep this away from the missus.
She's a little volatile.
Hasn't slept really well.
Maybe you've got a coffee can or a milk jug? I could just go around back? No, no, it's a real mess back there.
Ooh! Damn it, Darlene.
I told you not to smoke in there.
Well, I don't have to pee anymore.
* Men.
* Oh! That feels so good.
Sorry.
Oh, no, don't be silly.
It's a It's a natural bodily function.
Oh.
The, uh, the baby is-is pressing down on the intestines and Oh, dear Lord! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no.
No, it's-it's all right.
Okay.
Uh, I'm used to it.
When my wife was pregnant Oh, that's got some hang time.
You are so sweet, Alan.
How come I've never met a man like you? Well, speaking on behalf of men like me, we don't get out a lot.
Sorry.
I'm not.
You know, these sweatpants are really comfortable.
That's 'cause they're dry.
And boy, what a deal.
What did you call that place again? A swap meet.
Swap meet.
Well, aside from the exploding meth lab and peeing myself, this was a fun little trip.
I got the sweatpants and a bag of tube socks, four DVDs and a corn dog, all for eight bucks.
Just a hint.
The corn dog will last longer than the socks.
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, it's too big! What the hell? Alan, you sick freak.
Naomi! Oh, hi.
She's having a baby.
Oh, damn! It's all right, honey.
Mommy's here.
Ooh What? You never saw an angry one before? Out of the way, Zippy.
It's okay.
I'm a chiropractor.
You got it.
It's okay, honey.
That's it, yeah.
Now take a big deep breath and push! Yeah, whoa, whoa, hold on! hold on! Let me put down some t Breathe.
Breathe.
Now, push! Push! **NE Now, you listen up, Brittany Pam, you're my last chance.
You're gonna go to college, and you're gonna make something of yourself.
No getting knocked up by some greasy tweer from Rancho Pacoima.
Oh, gee, Mom, about that.
I've-I've kind of been counting back the weeks, and Ronald can't be the daddy.
What? Yeah.
See, he was in a burn unit at the time.
He wanted to, but his skin just kept sliding off.
Oh, God.
Here comes the corn dog.
So so, who is the father? Well, I got it narrowed down.
Hmm.
Dear Lord.
I'll know for sure if she starts speaking Spanish.
Well, we just shut down Ronald for $5,000.
"We"? You were hiding behind the car, pulling off your wet undies.
Oh, make yourself comfortable.
The doctor will be right in.
Come on, freako.
You are absolutely radiant.
Best of luck.
Thanks.
Sorry about your couch.
Good news, honey: I got you $4,000.