All In The Family s04e08 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days How is everything, Archie? Well, Edith, the chicken could have stood a little more cooking.
I thought it was delicious.
How would you know delicious? You shovel it into your face so fast it hits your stomach before your mouth has a chance to know what it tastes like.
The chicken was a little underdone, Ma.
What do you mean underdone? It was alive.
It was fighting me all the way down.
Daddy, you're exaggerating.
It's okay.
Your mother's dessert took charge, though.
The apple pie is now holding him down.
The ice cream is freezing him to death.
Oh, Ma! Ma, it's getting late.
You know, we better clear the table 'cause Lionel and the Lorenzos will be here soon.
Oh, I almost forgot about that.
Yeah, I'll get the game ready.
Arch, you want to play? Nah.
What is it? It's a new game.
It's called Group Therapy.
Is it anything like Monopoly? No, no, no, no.
This is an adult game.
I ain't playing nothing dirty.
It's not dirty, Arch.
It's a psychological game.
I mean, if you play this thing right, you can really learn a lot about yourself and the people you're playing it with.
Oh, "the people, the people.
" It sounds left-wing to me.
Anything after George III is left-wing to you.
Arch, it's a very simple game.
You pick a card when it comes your turn, you read it and then you do what it says.
I think you're gonna like the game, Daddy.
It can get very exciting.
Yeah, I doubt it.
Look, there ain't no dice there, no money, no boardwalk, no nothing there.
Some little card with writing on it.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot to tell you, Arch.
That's the hard part.
You have to know how to read.
Let's see what it says.
Ah "Do an interpretative dance to show the way you feel--" Oh, jeez, listen to this.
"To show the way you feel when you think nobody likes you.
" Get out! Daddy, the dance is just a device to show your true feelings, instead of talking.
I can show my true feelings without talking.
Look [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Archie, you used to like to dance.
With girls, Edith, not with myself.
What else you got over here? This says, uh "Discuss the part of your body you are the most proud of.
" All right! Where are you going? I ain't playing.
That's where I'm going.
Aw, come on, Daddy.
Don't be a party pooper.
Stay and play the game with us.
I'll tell you what I'll do for you, little girl.
I'll give you my interpretative of a guy going down to Kelsey's for a couple of beers.
Too-doo too-doo Too-doo doo MIKE: Oh, you're gonna love this game.
It gives us a chance to be completely open and free with each other.
We can let everything out.
Well, that should be right down my alley.
Italians never hold anything in.
We let out so much that the mouth can't handle it alone.
The hands have to carry the rest of the load.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I'll get that.
EDITH: I'll bet that's Lionel.
Yeah, probably.
ALL: Hey, Lionel! Come on in, Lionel! Here, let me get you a chair.
Sit over here.
Ooh, and Lionel, by the way, I gotta tell you about this article in Harper's.
It's all about urban tensions.
Covers the whole black problem.
Oh, really? I always thought it was a white problem.
Hey, hey.
funny.
Funny, Lionel.
Here.
Here's a card.
What are these cards for? Oh, these are the voting cards.
You see, if you feel that somebody's being honest, you see, then you vote With It.
And if you feel that they're not telling the truth, then you vote Cop Out.
See? It's very simple.
Ma, why don't you start.
Take a yellow card, stand up and read it out loud.
Oh, all right.
"Name the person in the world you would most like to look like and tell why.
" That's easy.
Katharine Hepburn.
MICHAEL: Hey! Why, Ma? Well, in the first place, her hair and her eyes are a lot like mine so I don't think Archie would mind too much if I looked like her.
And then, I love the way she talked in them old movies.
You know, like she was kind of running out of breath.
[BREATHILY.]
Hello, darling.
I'm so glad to see you and I love you very much.
MICHAEL: Oh, that's terrific! Great.
I vote With It.
What do you say? ALL: Yeah! MICHAEL: Absolutely, Ma.
Thank you, everybody.
It's unanimous.
You get five With Its.
One, two, three, four, five.
Who wants to go next? FRANK: Me! I'll go next.
Okay.
Go ahead, Frank.
"Discuss the part of your body you are most proud of.
" That's a snap.
It is? It wasn't such a snap for Archie.
For me, it's easy.
Go ahead, Frank.
The world is waiting.
All right, all right.
The part of my body I am most proud of ismy nose.
Your nose? Don't laugh! They don't make noses like this anymore.
They don't make Edsels anymore either.
You don't hear Ford bragging about it.
Let me give you the full view.
Observe the nose.
Notice how it cuts out, down and under, like a Roman eagle.
And behold the full flare of the nostrils, proudly proclaiming, "Leave the breathing to us.
" I got With It.
IRENE: Oh, no, no.
He's copping out.
Frank, you're copping out.
It's not your nose you love the most.
Irene, I got four With Its.
No, no, wait a second.
That's part of the game.
If Irene can persuade us that you're copping out, then we can change our votes.
That's in the rules.
Now, Irene, if it's not his nose he loves the most, what is it? It's his body.
Irene, cut it out.
He loves that body? Well, actually, it's his skin.
It's soft and smooth like a baby's bottom.
[LAUGHS.]
Irene.
He hasn't got a hair on his chest.
Irene, cut it out, huh? He takes about a half-hour to put his shirt on in the morning.
He hates to cover up all that beauty.
A half-hour to put my shirt on? It only takes me 20 minutes.
Oh.
Then you do love your body more than you love your nose, so I give you a Cop Out.
Cop Out, Frank.
Hey, Lionel, why don't you give one a try? Okay.
"Choose a member of the group.
"Now standing back-to-back and pushing each other, tell him why it is hard for you to be direct with him.
" It's too bad, Lionel.
Archie's not here.
You'll have to pass.
No, no.
I choose you.
Me? Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
FRANK: Come on! Go ahead.
Fine.
What the heck? I'm game.
All right, let's see.
Standing back-to-back.
Here we are.
Now tell me why it's hard for you to be direct with me.
Well, look what's happening.
The card said push.
You're not pushing.
Well, I-I don't want to knock you off balance.
Well, would you push harder if I was white? What? Well, I mean, you're always bending over backwards for me.
I can't even get into a good argument with you, you're so quick to agree with me.
Well, Lionel, we're supposed to be friends.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm telling you this.
You gonna push? Fine.
I'll push.
Yeah, just once I'd like for you to talk to me like I was Lionel Jefferson, and not a representative of the whole black race.
Oh, come on, Lionel, I don't do that! Sure! What's the first thing you say whenever I see you? Always something about the black problem, right? Well, what do you want me to talk about, the weather? Sometimes, yeah.
I mean, black people have weather too, you know.
I mean, we get rained on and everything.
Now, look, Lionel.
Enough! I'm sorry.
Jeez, you really had me faked out there.
What an act.
But I didn't believe it, Lionel.
No, sir.
I didn't believe one word you said.
I vote Cop Out.
What does everybody else say? FRANK AND IRENE: With It.
With It.
I vote With It.
How can you--? That's ridiculous! You saw the way-- Michael, that's four With Its.
All right, fine.
Four With Its.
Good.
One, two, three, four.
But I vote Cop Out.
One back.
I can't believe you bought that.
Michael, isn't this game great? It's just like you said.
You just learned a lot about yourself.
Yeah, yeah, Gloria.
I learned a whole pile.
I learned that Lionel could fake you all out.
Fine.
Go ahead, Gloria.
It's your turn.
Sheesh.
Okay.
"Pick the person closest in the group to you and tell them something you think will help them.
" Okay.
Ma, I don't want to embarrass you-- Hey, ah, ah, ah.
Gloria, uh, what are you doing? Talking to Ma.
I know.
You should be talking to me.
Why? The card said, "Pick the person closest in the group to you.
" That-- That's me, your husband.
Michael, don't be silly.
You're both very close to me.
Gloria, you're missing the point! The card says, "Pick the person," see, "closest in the group.
" Michael, you're being so picky.
Closest! Closest! Gloria, Mike, please don't fight over me.
I'm not fighting, Ma.
I'm just trying to get your daughter to play the game right, that's all.
Michael, don't be ridiculous.
I'm not being ridiculous, Gloria.
I am your husband.
I am in this group.
I am the closest.
If you have anything to say, you say it to me.
All right, I'm sorry.
Michael, I think the dresses you've been wearing make you look older.
You satisfied? No, I am not satisfied, Gloria, because you should have come to me first.
Am I right, Ma? Gloria, do you really think this dress makes me look older? Ma, I'm trying to make a point here! Oh, Michael.
You've made your point.
I'll pass my turn.
What are you acting like this for, Gloria? It's all right.
I'll go next time.
Will you excuse me, please? Ooh, I beg your pardon.
Gee, I can't believe the way you're acting, Gloria.
Whose turn is it? It's my turn.
Gloria, does my hair look old too? GLORIA: Take a card, Michael.
Gloria, just because I'm trying to play the game by the rules-- Michael, would you pick a card, damn it! Bad attitude, Gloria.
Very bad attitude.
Very bad.
Hey, hey.
Come on, kids.
We're getting away from the game.
Come on.
Come on, pick a card.
I'm sorry.
Here, it's my turn.
"Stand up and tell the group what makes you mature.
" Haa! GLORIA: Oh! I'll ignore that, Gloria.
I'll ignore that because that is part of my answer.
I feel that I'm mature because I'm open-minded.
I'm tolerant of the other guy's opinions.
[LAUGHING.]
That I'm not going to ignore.
She gave you a little zingeroo there, huh? MIKE: Hey, Frank! What are you egging her on for? What's so funny, Gloria? "Tolerant of the other guy's opinion.
" I'm just thinking about you and Daddy.
Gloria, how do you expect me to be tolerant of Archie? The man is a walking monument to intolerance.
Mike! I'm sorry, Ma.
I'm just being honest.
Which is another part of maturity.
How many With Its do I get? LIONEL: No, no.
Hey, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Now, a 5-year-old kid can be honest, but does that make him mature? Lionel, are you calling me a 5-year-old kid? Hey, don't you take your hostilities out on me just 'cause you're mad at Archie.
What are you talking--? Archie's not even here! Just remember, Lionel, he is the one that doesn't want blacks in this neighborhood.
I'm not the bigot in this house.
He is! Yeah, but he doesn't know any better.
I don't accept that kind of reasoning.
No, sir, Lionel.
I don't accept that at all.
Oh, boy.
Now, there's a show of tolerance.
You sound just like Daddy.
Okay.
Okay, fine.
Fine.
That's it.
All right.
I pass.
I pass.
I'm tolerant enough to know that you're all dead wrong, but I'm not gonna spoil the game.
LIONEL: No, wait.
It is just a game.
Don't take it so seriously.
Forget it, will you, Lionel? Come on, let's play the game.
Are we gonna have fun or not? Irene, it's your turn.
Let's have fun! "Sit on the lap of the person here "who makes you the most nervous and tell 'em why.
" Oh.
Irene! I make you nervous? Mike, look, you know how much we like you, but you are making me very tense because you're getting so uptight about this game.
How can you say that, Irene? I'm not uptight! I vote Cop Out.
I give her a With It! You people with the With Its.
All right, fine, With It.
Here we go.
One, two, three, four.
MICHAEL: I vote Cop Out.
One back.
How can you people say I'm uptight? Do I look uptight? I'm not uptight! Jeez! I'm glad it's Ma's turn.
Here, Ma.
[SCOFFING.]
All right.
"Say something to someone which you have never said before but which you would like to say.
" I don't like this one.
Come on, Edith, say it.
Come on.
You'll feel better.
I don't think I will.
Ma, don't pass your turn.
Come on! We can take it.
All right.
Mike, I don't like the way you've been acting so stuck-up lately.
What? Well, I think it's mean to make fun of Archie and call him names the way you do.
Ma, you're saying that to me? Me? Well, you're right, Mike.
You sure can take it.
Will you just stay out of this, Lionel? I'm talking to my mother-in-law.
Ma, you know all the dumb, stupid things Archie says.
How do you expect me to take the man seriously? Come on, Ma! I have a brain! If you was really smarter than Archie, you'd be smart enough not to let him see that you're smarter than him.
Oh, she's got you there.
Zing! Hey, wait a second! Wait a second here! What is with you people? What are you all ganging up on me for?! We're not ganging up on you.
Can't you believe the fact that she is right? She's right, huh? All right.
All right.
Fine.
I don't want to play anymore.
I don't understand you, Michael.
You're the one that started this whole thing.
You're the one that wanted to play the game.
But, Gloria, they weren't playing that game.
They were playing Get Mike Stivic.
And you were one of the worst offenders.
Me? Yes, you.
"Pick the one that's closest to you.
" Pick your mother, not me.
Oh, Michael, don't you understand, you can love two people at the same time in different ways? Yeah.
I understand, Gloria.
You love your mother more.
I didn't say that! All right.
Let's get down to real basics.
Okay, Gloria? There's a storm at sea.
The boat overturns and your mother and I are drowning.
Which one of us would you save? Oh, Michael, don't pull that old one on me-- No, just answer the question! Which one of us would you save? That is not a fair question.
Why not? Because I can't swim.
Fine, Gloria.
Make jokes.
Avoid the issue.
That's okay.
You know what your problem is, Michael? You can't take criticism.
You can dish it out, but you can't take it.
Gloria, I can take criticism when it is constructive, but that down there was persecution! Did you hear what your mother called me? What? She called me an idiot.
I didn't hear that! Gloria, she said I wasn't as smart as Archie.
That makes me an idiot.
You listen-- I don't want to listen anymore Gloria.
Leave me alone.
GLORIA: Come on, be reasonable.
They're still fighting.
I wish we'd never started that game.
What are you doing, Irene? Something you ought to try, Edith.
It relieves the tension in your shoulders and back.
You just take all the bones out of your arms.
Come on, try it.
Oh, all right.
Hey, Mrs.
Bunker? EDITH: Yeah, Li-- Oh! Excuse me.
Uh, Frank can't find the tea bags.
Oh, in the right-hand cupboard, in the coffee can.
Oh, uh, not in the coffee can with the coffee in it.
In the empty coffee can with the tea in it.
I don't know how we missed it.
Oh, Mike, I'm so glad you came back down.
And I'm sorry if I upset you before.
No, no.
Ma, really, it's all right.
It was all my fault.
Oh hello.
Look who's back.
You're just in time for tea.
I'll get two more cups.
Uh, uh, Frank, before you do that would everybody sit down for just one second? I have something I want to tell you.
EDITH: Oh, all right.
Come on, everybody sit down.
Just one minute.
UhGloria and I had a calm, quiet talk upstairs and I realized that I behaved stupidly.
Oh, no, Mike.
No, no, no, Ma.
That's the word: stupid.
I should have been adult enough to take the criticism.
I just want to say that I apologize and tell you I'm very sorry.
We understand.
Mike, come on.
You don't have to apologize.
No, really, Ma.
So you picked on me a little.
I mean-- LIONEL: Hey, Mike.
What do you mean, "picked on you?" Did I say "picked"? I-I didn't mean that.
What I meant was maybe some of the things you said were a little uncalled for.
Well, now, if they were uncalled for, I wouldn't have said 'em.
Lionel, why are you jumping on every word I say? I didn't mean that either.
Forget it! Gee, you can't even make an apology around here.
Michael, don't get excited.
Haven't you learned anything? Gloria, I tried to apologize, didn't I? Yes, you did, Michael.
And you were beautiful.
Now, come on, everybody.
Let's have some tea.
Irene, but you're missing the whole point completely.
I admit it, I overreacted.
But the point is, anybody would have done the same thing if they had been hit as hard as I was.
Will you forget it? Hey, do you admit I was right? Yeah, sure.
Have some tea.
Hey, don't patronize me, Lionel.
Michael, please! Stay out of this, Gloria.
I'm making a point here.
Lionel, I want to see you say something to somebody here that you've never said before but you'd like to say.
Oh, come on.
The game's over.
Mike, have some tea.
I don't want any tea, Frank.
Leave me alone! Come on, say something to somebody here that you've never said before.
Pick somebody.
Okay.
Mrs.
Bunker, I have something I'd like to say to you.
All right, Lionel.
I don't know how to say this.
Oh, come on, Lionel.
Don't cop out.
Mrs.
Bunker when we first moved here, I was kind of scared.
My whole family was scared.
But because of the way you made us feel welcome, we knew that no matter what, we had one good friend in this neighborhood.
I don't know why it took so long to tell you this, but I'm very grateful.
Oh, thank you, Lionel.
That's it? You don't have anything more you want to say to her? No.
Well, what about the criticism? I don't have any.
But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it.
Yeah.
And so far you've been a barrel of fun.
Don't start with me, Frank.
I'm the only one who's opened up here tonight.
All we know about you is that you love your nose and your pretty chest.
Why don't you pick on somebody here? I would, but I can't think of anything I want to say.
Nothing? There's nothing bottled up inside of you? Nothing you want to say to anybody? Not even your wife? Come on, Frank, you've been married for over 20 years! There must be something you want to say to her.
What about your sex life? Isn't there something you want to say about that? Aha! My sex life.
You bet I have.
I'm glad you brought it up.
Irene, thank you.
This is ridiculous! This is totally ridiculous! I don't even know why I bother to come down here.
Michael, don't cop out by going upstairs.
Ho, ho, ho! Don't you talk to me about copping out, Gloria.
I am the only one who has played this game honest tonight.
That's right.
I thought we could get together, have a nice game without Archie here.
But as it turns out, I'm playing the game with five Archies, and every one of you is worse than the real one.
Michael, right now you sound worse than Daddy ever sounded.
How can you say that to me, Gloria? You know the way the man talks to me.
He never even says hello.
The first thing out of his mouth is "Get away from me, Meathead.
" Michael, you know you yell at Daddy just as much as he yells at you.
Gloria, it's different.
It's self-defense.
He forces me to yell at him.
Mike, I don't think you yell at Archie because of Archie.
I think you yell at him because of you-- Ma, what are you talking about?! Will you let her finish? I'd like to hear what she has to say.
Yes, but she's not making any sense! That's another problem with you, man.
You never let anybody talk.
Oh.
Oh, thank you, Lionel.
Thank you.
Fine.
Is that what everybody wants, for her to talk? Okay.
All right, Ma.
You talk, I'll listen.
Go ahead, Ma, talk.
WellI remember a story we learned in school once about a man who saved another man's life.
Ma, what has this got to do with anything? Oh, Mike, will you give her a chance? Would you let her talk? Frank, stay out of this now.
Don't you tell me to stay out.
If I had a son like that-- You've got a son like that! Yeah, whose fault is it that they behave like him? BOTH: Yours! GLORIA: Mr.
and Mrs.
Lorenzo, please don't fight.
No, no, Gloria.
This is beautiful.
Don't stop them.
This is the first time some truth is coming out in their relationship.
Go ahead, kill each other.
Wait, wait, wait.
What were you saying about saving somebody's life? Yeah, this man saved another man's life.
And the man who was saved, instead of being thankful, got madder and madder at the man who saved him.
And the moral of the story-- MICHAEL: All right, Ma.
What you're trying to say is that I resent Archie because I owe him so much.
Well, I've told him a hundred times I'd pay him back with interest, every cent.
Now, excuse me, please.
Oh, no, wait.
Wait a minute, Mike.
I ain't finished.
There's more to the moral than that.
Now, the teacher said that what the story really meant was that if you owe somebody an awful lot, you begin worrying that you'll never be able to pay 'em back, and that makes you resent that person even more.
You see what I mean? I'm going to the kitchen.
I think that I'd better have another talk with him.
Oh, no, Gloria.
Let me.
Excuse me.
Mike! I'm all right, Ma.
Out there, I told you why you yell at Archie.
Don't you want to hear why Archie yells at you? Ma I know why he yells at me.
He hates me.
Oh, no, Mike.
Archie yells at you 'cause he's jealous of you.
Ma, I don't want to listen to this! Oh, now, wait a minute.
You will listen to me! Archie is jealous of you.
Oh, come on, Ma.
Now, that ain't hard to understand.
Mike, you're going to college and you got your whole life ahead of you.
Archie had to quit school to support his family.
He ain't never gonna be nothing more than he is right now.
But you, you got a chance to be anything you want to be.
That's why Archie's jealous of you.
He sees in you all the things that he could never be.
So the next time Archie yells at you, try to be a little more understanding.
Now, you think that over.
And when you're ready, come back in here with us and be with our friends.
Keep away from me, Meathead.
Oh, are they still all here? Get away from me.
Arch, uh I want to tell you something.
Oh, what? I understand.
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.