Californication s04e08 Episode Script

Previously on Californication We could actually use a lead guitarist.
- What do you call yourselves? - Queens of Dogtown.
Shit.
Fuck.
The rabbit done died.
- So whose is it? - I don't know! - Charlie's? - Fuck, no! That kid's all snipped to shreds.
I've had a couple of vasectomies.
What exactly are you saying here, doc? There still could be swimmers in his junk? How about you rewrite the script that I loathe? With Sasha's interest, we could be at Sundance this time next year.
I'm trying to make the character a little more likeable, cos on the page he's an asshole.
You understand that you are kinda talking about me.
Wanna know how many women I've slept with? No.
No, no, no.
I gotta get it up to 100.
I'm makin' my move.
I'm dropping out.
OK, so no movie.
What's the good news? The good news is that I still wanna have sex with you.
At least once more.
You know, that is pretty good news.
All right.
You gotta stop that.
I'm serious, I feel a hate crime coming on.
No, no, no.
Don't be hatin' on the good news dance.
Does this mean what I think it means? They finally came out with Spanx for men? No, silly.
That was months ago.
I'm wearing one right now, as a matter of fact.
Yeah, yeah, firms my chest.
Flattens my tummy.
Here, here, feel.
You can do it, come on.
- Rock hard.
- I know, right? I'm talking about myself.
I'm rock hard right now.
So am I! Get a load of this.
Sasha is back on board.
Sha-fa-tha! Why? What? Why? Eddie Nero's on board.
Well, that makes sense.
In a crass, sleazy, opportunistic kind of a way.
Sure.
Sasha Bingham is also starring in Slowly We Rot - Deux.
Yeah.
That means nothing to me.
It's a zombie-cop-action-thriller.
First one did 274 domestic.
Right on.
Sounds like a shit sandwich, but, hey, the girl's gotta eat, right? - Good for her.
- No, no, good for you! Because Sasha Bingham wants her one Hank Moody on set to polish her dialogue.
What makes you think that one Hank Moody has any interest in doing such a thing? They got 100 grand to spend for one week's work.
A hundy large? That is a most excellent number of quatloos! Sold! Good! Cos I already said you'd do it! - Turn that over.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gimme that.
- See, it's the good news dance.
Let me guess.
She's asking for you.
- Tell her to fuck off.
I'm smoking.
- You want me to tell her that? Fuck it.
I'm comin'.
The things we do for quatloos, huh? You don't get paid.
First team is ready.
Action! Die! Die, motherfucker, die! And cut.
All right, let's go again right away.
Reset.
Really? Don't you have it already? If I had it already, you'd be second-guessing me from down here instead of up there.
Hank, can you pitch me a bunch of alts for this scene? I don't think my character would say this shit.
First of all, who says it's your fucking character? And secondly, I don't give a fuck.
Say the line.
Don't say the line.
I'm going Alan Smithee on this bitch.
I can't work like this.
Get me down.
Let's go again, OK? Right away, right? And Everybody! And action! Suck my dick, asshole.
Cut.
Get her down.
- Got 15 minutes, OK? - I don't want 15 minutes.
I wanna go home.
You're telling me? Fuckin' sequels.
Quick.
We have 15 minutes.
- Well, not too quick.
- I thought you wanted to work on the scene.
Please.
There is no fixing that thing.
I just wanted to play.
With you.
Again? I'm still a little sore from this morning's playdate.
Pussy.
You know, I'm a writer, Sasha, not a fuck toy.
Don't look now, but your manpon string is hanging out.
You see that? You're funny.
You can write your own stuff.
Of course I can.
But it's so lonely.
No.
No.
You're not answering that.
Don't do it.
You're answering it.
I'm hating you right now.
You know, I don't like you when you're working.
Just sayin'.
Hello? What? Fuck me.
OK.
Just cut her off, and I'll be there as soon as I can.
Fuck.
- Where are you going? You can't leave.
- My kid.
She's up to no good again.
- I gotta go deal with her.
- No, no.
You have to take care of this kid.
You're bought and paid for, Moody.
Now, there's that writer's mind at work.
Now we're talkin'.
Get your freak on, Officer.
No.
Where the fuck are you going? This isn't funny, asshole.
Fuck.
You know, Bex, you're really making me regret ever signing you up for guitar lessons.
I only ever did it because you wanted me to.
Really? It seemed to me you were pretty into it.
Yeah, I'm just trying to make you feel bad.
Well played, young lady.
Well played.
Really partying like a rock star these days, aren't ya? Oh, yeah.
I'm a fuckin' rock star, all right.
Can't even convince a boy to let me give him a blow job.
- Becca - What? I'm not allowed to be honest? Isn't that the Moody family thing? Our most prized virtue? The honesty.
Go ahead, be honest.
Give your father a massive coronary event.
- I'm not a happy camper, Dad.
- Really? I hadn't noticed.
I don't like how things are changing.
You're never around.
But I'm not sure I even miss you.
I'll always be your father.
No duh, Dad.
But what the fuck does that mean? And you know what really scares me? What? I like being fucked up.
Now more than ever.
Is that a kid thing or a genetic thing? Cos I'm starting to get it now.
Things are way funnier when I'm high.
And the sad stuff is just way less sad.
It's almost romantic.
- Are you OK? - I'm fine.
What is the big fucking deal? I mean, it's not like I haven't done this before, twi once.
In college.
Right.
So let's talk about something else, something pleasant, something with rainbows and unicorns.
Stu asked me to move in with him.
He did? Well, I mean, that's exciting.
- Have you met Stu? - No.
- Because you won't let me.
- Yeah, because you'll judge me.
That's ridiculous.
I've been judging you for years.
Jesus! That's what you call a late-term abortion.
Is that shit even legal? Marcy, I don't think everyone is here to have an abortion.
You never know, Karen.
Just because we have a black president, doesn't mean we talk about that shit.
- She looks so happy.
- Yeah, she does.
I have never been that happy.
Just because she doesn't know what's ahead of her.
Well, what if this is it? What if this is my last chance at being truly happy, and I'm just snuffing it out because it's inconvenient? Marce, you know what? You've changed this appointment a bunch of times.
I think you need to face the fact that there's a part of you that wants to have a baby.
But that's the thing - I don't.
I hate kids.
They're annoying little shits.
It's a terrible burden.
Runkle? Marcy Runkle? - What do you want to do, baby? - Marcy Runkle? Marcy Runkle? Look at you.
You're such a regular, you just walk on in, they slide your drink, no questions asked? Membership has its privileges, lady.
And I have no shame.
I need this drink.
And I will need another shortly thereafter.
Bad day? Medium shitty, yeah.
I hear that.
No stranger to misery, are you? I like that in a woman sitting alone at a bar.
Tell me all your troubles.
- Tell me what ails you.
- No.
It's just a bunch of boring kid stuff.
- I got some of that shit too.
- That's not a line? No, no, no.
I got plenty of boring, angsty kid shit that keeps me awake at night.
At least, until I pass out.
Boy? Girl? "Girl" makes it sound so pleasant.
I have one big pain-in-the-ass teenage daughter.
Oh, my God.
That's the worst.
Word.
Well, here's to difficult daughters.
Cheers.
And Here's to mothers who drink with strangers.
Cheers, cheers.
- Good evening.
- I'm sorry.
The gate was open.
No, I'm sorry.
About everything.
- I'm Peggy, your real estate agent.
- Right, right.
Marcy says nice things about you.
Well, I'm not sure she will any more.
- Why's that? - Well, don't kill the messenger, but - the house has fallen out of escrow.
- Of course it has.
- The buyers couldn't get a loan.
- Of course they couldn't.
Looks like it's time to put it back up on the market.
OK.
Well I'll talk to Marcy and we'll get back to you.
OK.
What adult film were you watching? Excuse me? You were watching pornography, weren't you? - I was.
Yes.
- What kind? - You must think I'm such a slut.
- No, no, no.
Not at all.
You must.
Call me one.
I insist.
Oh, you like that? OK.
You're such a fucking slut.
What the fuck? - You can choke me if you want to.
- No, no, I'm really not into that.
I had a bad experience with autoerotic asphyxia recently.
Really? Tell me all about it.
- Some other time, OK? - I just wanna feel something! Pretend my father could walk in at any second.
- But this is my house.
- Just pretend! OK, OK, OK! I think I hear your father in the hallway.
Oh, no, I wanna stop, but I can't! Your big black cock feels so good! Yeah? That's him.
There he is.
I see him coming in the room.
Daddy, no! I'm a big girl now.
- Is he still here? - No, he went to get his gun.
He's gonna kill both of us, Charlie.
Daddy doesn't like it when I fuck the slaves.
God, that was fucking intense.
I almost wanted to fuck you to death.
But in a good way, you know? Yes.
You know what I like about you? I mean, aside from the fact that you're like seven different kinds of naked right now.
Oh, my God! Do you have any idea how nice that sounds? Do you know how long it's been since a guy has said that to me? Sorry, go ahead.
What were you gonna say? What do you like about me? You're very age-appropriate.
You really know how to piss all over a girl's happy buzz.
No, that's a good thing.
I think it means, maybe, I'm growin' the fuck up.
That's very good for you.
But I am leaving for New York in a couple days.
I didn't mean to suggest that we had a future or anything.
You really are quite the romantic, aren't you? Fuck.
Everything's coming out wrong this morning.
I know.
Next you're gonna say something less than flattering about my ass.
Nope.
No way.
That thing is bullet-proof.
That is an ass wrapped in Kevlar.
If you said to me, "Hank, all you can do right now is eat that ass", I would put on a lobster bib and eat that ass.
For hours.
With gusto.
Thank you.
My ass thanks you.
Your ass is welcome.
And don't worry I had a little bit of fun.
A little bit of fun it was.
And I think that we should do it again.
Cos, you know I'm here a couple times a year, checking up on my daughter.
Yeah? What does she do? Not a good time.
Don't worry, girly man.
I'm all about the work right now.
Yeah, well, I've kinda got some company.
I see.
It's cool.
I know we're not exclusive.
- I see other people too, you know? - Yeah, well, I know that.
'Course you do.
- Yeah, but like how many? - I'm not some big fucking slut, Hank.
Oh, no, I'm not judging.
I'm just curious.
- Well, I did sleep with Eddie Nero.
- Gross! That is disgusting.
He poops on people.
And he took a man in his mouth once.
OK, come on.
I need to go over today's pages.
I can't say this shit.
It's all exposition.
I'm gonna give you my notes, then I have to go meet my mother for breakfast.
- Your mother? - Yeah, she's in town from New York.
She comes in every once in a while to check on me and make sure I'm grounded.
Your mom.
Are you having a stroke? You sound kind of retarded all of a sudden.
- Mama.
- I say we go once more, cos, you know, I do not think that I sucked enough of your dick last night.
- Sasha! - Mom? - Mom? - You fucked my mom? Dude! That was seriously uncool! I think I I gotta go after her.
- You better put on some clothes first.
- Oh, shit! Good idea.
How do you know my daughter? - I'm kinda writing something for her.
- Poor baby.
Yeah, it turns out she's really quite the fucking diva, huh? No, poor baby her.
It doesn't matter how old you get, it's always gonna be really weird to see your mother in a sexual situation.
Especially when you've already been with the awesome dude your mom just boned.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- What? - What? Did you just say what I think you said, which is that you slept with my daughter? - No, no, no! - No, you're lying now, because you did.
You misunderstood.
I was merely talking about writers and actresses, and Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller, and how that shit never seems to work out.
She's a fucking kid! You fucked my fucking kid.
That's not very age-appropriate, now is it, you asshole? Touché.
Sasha, dear.
Hello! Can you come out and play? It's quite warm out here.
Do you know why? Because we're burning money.
It's a bonfire of cash.
I'm fucked.
My career is over.
Settle down, Alfred Bitchcock.
Let me try.
You didn't sleep with her, did you? No way.
That's what the extras are for.
Sasha! It's Henry Moody.
The writer.
Remember me? The polisher of your crackling exposition.
I'd like a word with you, please.
One word.
If it's any consolation, your mother smacked me upside the head pretty good.
And my balls are killing me.
- I'm just grossed out right now.
- Well, that's pretty normal.
How would you know? I once bumped uglies with my daughter's boyfriend's mother.
That was a terrible time.
We got through it, though.
This too shall pass.
- Do you know what the worst part is? - No.
But tell me.
I was really starting to like you.
Well, despite the fact that I am this swirling black hole of chaos, I am pretty fucking awesome sometimes.
- Best sex of my life.
- Really? Better than Eddie Nero? - Weirdest sex of my life.
- I don't wanna know.
- Do I? - No.
You don't.
I'm still haunted by it.
- The things he made me do.
- Jesus.
Don't blame your mom because she didn't know anything, and don't take it out on these good people out there.
They work their fucking asses off.
You should be happy.
You're Sasha fucking Bingham, America's sweetheart, the girl next door, the dirty girl next door.
That's the bestest kind.
- Weird? - Oddly, no, but I'm really good at compartmentalising shit.
You are one dirty cop.
Sometimes I hate my conscience but right now it's telling me that this may not be the best idea.
Yeah? Well, it's the only way you're gonna get me back out there.
Oh, well.
In that case Well This is a fine how-do-you-do.
We need to talk business, Marcy.
What? OK.
I mean, if you're gonna do it, just do it.
I'm a man.
Sorta.
I mean, I could take it.
I think.
What the fuck are you talking about, Stu? It's just you're so quiet, and that is weird.
I mean, usually you're yakking up a storm and I've become quite fond of that obscene verbal diarrhoea.
That's lovely.
And disgusting, Stu.
Thanks.
In my experience, when a woman has run out of things to say to me Done.
Time to throw another ex-wife on the fire.
I wasn't planning on breaking up with you, Stu.
Not any time soon, anyway.
Well, I'm guessing you're not moving in with me.
Look, man, we could talk about the "shacking up" shit later, OK? But I do have to be honest with you.
- It's my penis, isn't it? - What? The size.
It hurts you, doesn't it? God damn it! No! - Your penis is fine, Stu.
- Fine? Fine? Yes.
Fine.
In a good way.
In the best possible way.
I mean it.
And I've seen some weird, fucked-up wangs in my day, so good on you.
OK.
Then honesty it is.
OK? Come on, baby.
Go for it.
I'm all ears.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, God, Stu.
Please don't cry.
No.
It's not what you think! Not what I think? It's not a fucking miracle? - Hardly.
- I'm gonna be a father! No.
Stu! Stuart! You are not letting me tell you what's going on.
You mean you're not keeping it? You're gonna get rid of it? - No.
I'm keeping it.
- Thank God.
I thought about doing the deed, but I couldn't go through with it.
- But there is just other things.
- What? - Charlie.
- Runkle? God! I didn't even think of that.
Oh, my God, he must be so upset! Poor bastard! Well It's mother! What am I gonna tell her? I gotta tell her the truth, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Hello, Mother? Guess what.
I'm gonna be a father.
Yeah! Talk about the goddamn Christmas miracle! Oh, boy.
Fucking kids.
- They're just a terrible burden, aren't they? - Ever feel like you're losing the war? Yeah.
I think that I'm in touch with that emotion.
What the fuck are we supposed to do? Hope for the best plan for the worst, and set a good example.
I don't know, just embrace the fact we're all a bunch of fucking hypocrites.
True dat.
- I still hate you.
- I know, I know.
But I need you right now, because I'm in over my head - and I feel like I'm losing my shit.
- Honey.
Come here.
It's OK.
Listen what say you to a couple of room service burgers and an $18 hotel movie? That sounds pretty fucking awesome.
Can I come? - I'm not talking to you right now.
- Sure.
I get it.
But if I were, I'd probably apologise for my behaviour today.
Well, if you were actually speaking to me and you actually said something like that, I might even respond by saying that I deserved it, and maybe I'd even apologise and say that I was sorry.
For everything.
- Maybe? - Definitely.
- I'll see you upstairs.
- Yes.
I'll be up in a second.
You know, it's funny.
It doesn't matter how rich, how famous, they're all just little kids who need their mommies and their daddies.
Here's hoping.
And I know I don't really know you that well, so this might be out of line, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
- You don't have to.
- I'm gonna.
- All right.
- You are coming dangerously close to the point of no return.
What does that mean? This thing that you got going It's very romantic and charming and certainly devil-may-care.
But it's last call, pal.
You should get out while the getting's good.
What if it's already too late? Well Could be.
I don't know.
Certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn't try.
Meanwhile Why don't you keep your grubby fucking paws off my daughter, yeah? Yes, ma'am.