Community s04e08 Episode Script

And then, in the season finale, they reveal the whole thing was a dream when the inspector wakes up next to a very young and very topless Cheryl Tiegs.
Ugh.
Even Pierce loves this show now? It's not Inspector Spacetime.
It's the American version, and a travesty.
It's obvious, sexist, and the timing is-- Honey, I'm dean.
What the hell is wrong with you? Oh, Jeffrey, you are too much.
Ha-ha.
Why, I was doing some house cleaning the other day, Deana Reed style, when I realized, gosh, golly, it's been ages since we had a dance.
So this Friday we are going back to Greendale's golden age with an old-fashioned sock hop.
Health Department requires you wear shoes.
What a coinci-dean.
Throwing a dance the same day the CDC is confiscating our drinking fountains.
Well Placating students with a fun event.
Classic bread and circuses.
In Rome, the emperor would distract the populace by allocating money for bread and circuses.
I'm trying to get away from filtering everything through TV.
Time I showed growth.
"It's been three and a half seasons," the old me would've said.
Anyhow, it is a Sadie Hawkins dance, which means girls ask the boys.
Oh, I love those.
So, ladies, get out there and make yourselves useful.
Huh.
So there's one day a year when women are free to choose their own mates? What is this, cave-person times? I have already started on a Sadie Hawkins banner, so this is pretty much set in stone.
Then maybe I'll throw my own dance.
One that doesn't conform to your oppressive gender norms.
Give me a break.
You think a dance can just be thrown together willy-hilly? You think I decide to just do a rainforest theme and buy palm fronds and rig the sprinkler system-- ? I gotta write this down.
Give me some rope Tie me to dream Give me the hope To run out of steam Somebody said It can be here We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year I can't count the reasons I should stay One by one They all just fade away So, Britta, you're gonna throw a protest dance? Is that a thing? It is now.
And instead of Sadie Hawkins, my dance will honor a real feminist icon, someone who worked for women's rights every day of the year, Sophie B.
Hawkins.
You know what, Britta? You're right.
A Sophie B.
Hawkins dance is just what this school needs.
Thanks, Jeff.
To celebrate Sophie B.
Hawkins and all her accomplishments.
Jeez, Winger, who's throwing this dance, me or you? Um, Britta, I think you meant to say Susan B.
Anthony, not Sophie B.
Hawkins.
Britta for the whoops.
Didn't you have a cat named Susan B.
Anthony? How'd you Britta that? I didn't Britta anything.
I meant Sophie B.
Hawkins.
Really? Your plan was to throw a dance honoring the singer of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover"? And "As I Lay Me Down," which is the far superior song.
That is a good song.
Yeah.
Yes.
I am throwing a Sophie B.
Hawkins dance.
And it is gonna be amazing.
And when people come they're gonna be like: "Damn.
She straight Britta'd this.
" Because, that's right, I'm taking it back.
You're really doing this? As someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
So you can say I Britta'd it? Yes.
That goes without saying.
But come on, it was a small mistake.
Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brit-astrophe.
" I coined that.
If you don't wanna come to my dance, you are free to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance, which will be happening at the same time across the cafeteria.
Our school has limited venue options.
Oh, I wouldn't miss it.
Oh, and one last thing.
You do realize that if you call it a Sophie B.
Hawkins dance, people will expect Sophie B.
Hawkins to actually be there, right? Yes.
And when she comes I'm gonna be like "I Will Remember You" doubting me.
That's a Sarah McLachlan song.
So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and-- Where's this going? Can I set you up with a date for the dance? Blind date.
I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.
If you're open to meeting someone, there's eligible ladies in my church.
Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed.
I asked first.
There's no reason we can't both help.
Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition? That's a competition.
So it is.
Only for the loser.
I need the computer.
There are, like, dozens of computers.
But my e-mail's on this one.
Pierce.
Jeez, what's up your butt? I may have lied about meaning Sophie B.
Hawkins, I didn't want Jeff to make fun.
And then I may have lied to cover that lie, and now I'm in deep lies.
So what? So you told a lie, big deal.
The important thing is never to admit it.
I was thinking about coming clean.
And give Winger the satisfaction? Hell, no.
Besides, anything could happen between now and that dance.
An asteroid could hit.
Do you wanna be the schmuck who apologizes just before the world ends? That kind of makes sense.
Thank you.
Damn right it makes sense.
You're talking to the wisest man on campus.
Now, seriously, I need to get to my e-mail.
The post office is about to close.
Pierce.
Check out my friend Britta's Sophie B.
Hawkins dance.
I'll be spinning hits from yesterday and today.
Which are the same since I have Changnesia.
The guy's Teflon.
No matter how much awful he does, he keeps getting another chance.
He's like the Colin Farrell of people.
Wanna help me with Britta's dance? Could be a chance for classic high jinks.
In the interest of growth, I'm avoiding high jinks.
And capers, romps, and exploits.
Escapades are a gray area.
Ahem, Abed.
This is Kat.
Hi, Kat.
Nice to meet you.
She wants to ask you something.
Isn't she perfect? She's like one of those quirky girls from the movies.
I saw her in the cafeteria trying to pay for lunch with a song.
I asked if you'd go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me into the balloon.
Could you hear it? Sure, I'd be happy to go with you.
Super-duper, Mr.
Cooper.
Nice.
So you chose the girl I picked.
It's cool.
It's not like it was a competition or anything.
Just be gentle when you tell Shirley that she was the loser.
Or do you want me to tell her? It's cool.
I'll handle it.
So was that girl an alien or a toddler with a growing disease? Hello, Abed.
I talked to a lovely girl at church and she'd be happy to go to the dance.
I appreciate it, but-- I hope you will consider it, and not just because saying no would crush this girl, but because I don't want you to miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
You're right.
I'd love to go to Britta's dance with her.
Oh, good, I'll set it up.
Oh, I hope this doesn't hurt Annie's feelings.
Maybe I should go tell her.
No need.
I'll handle it.
Oh, okay.
Bye-bye.
At the risk of discovering I'm living parallel lives like in Awake, don't you already have a date? Yep.
Now I have two.
Which means I can do the Mo-dates-in-one-night sitcom trope.
I'll wear two outfits.
Mix up their names.
Hide under a table.
What about growth? I tried to go in a grounded direction but still ended up in an implausible situation.
Like Shirley said, it's a once-in-lifetime opportunity for high jinks.
I can't pass it up.
You already passed up a great opportunity for high jinks.
I did? Uh, duh-doy.
Britta's dance? You think two dates is crazy? Planning a dance is high jinks city.
Population: high jinks.
Troy, I need your help.
Get some ice.
Wacky ice.
The ice will be wacky.
Looks good, huh? I'm so excited.
Thank you for the corsage.
Oh, it matches your carnation.
How cute.
I'm glad you like it.
I was afraid you'd think it old-fashioned.
I like old-fashioned.
I find it refreshing.
Speaking of refreshing, I'm gonna get us some punch.
Be right back.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
Apparently I'm your DJ tonight.
Uh, I really don't know what I'm doing so if you have a request, please be specific.
I have Changnesia.
Can I help you? I wanted to try on a different look.
I'm pretty indecisive, so I may be back here a few times, if that's okay.
Cool.
I'm also gonna need to check this Gideons Bible and this jelly-bean kaleidoscope.
Icebreakers.
Hm.
Hey, Britta.
Where's Sophie B.
? She backstage drinking Zima and counting her Beanie Babies? Sorry, I can't divulge that.
Stars and their privacy, you know.
But she'll definitely be here? Oh, yeah.
Sophie be coming.
So it just be coincidence that somebody posted a Craigslist ad an hour ago that says, "Looking for Sophie B.
Hawkins or convincing Sophie B.
Hawkins impersonator to play community college dance tonight.
Very little money.
" It's weird how in demand she is.
Good thing we booked her early.
Britta, we're running low on chips.
Here's what I'm thinking.
I go to the Sadie Hawkins dance as the snack inspector doing random spot checks, and confiscate their chips.
All I need is a disguise.
Or you could just go to the supply closet and get some more chips.
Okay, but I still need to use the mustache probably.
Here, in lieu of flowers, I got you this.
It's quirky.
Thanks, governor.
I'll just put it in me invisible sack.
Okay, I'm gonna get us some punch.
Hey.
How are things going with you and Jessica? Are you two, as they say on TV, making a connection? Unless that means sex, in which case I hope you're not.
Things are great.
Actually, Jessica did mention she's cold.
Could she borrow your sweater? The one you wore last week.
I think it's still in your locker.
I guess I could check.
Could you? That'd be great.
Okay.
Hey, roomie.
What do you think of Kat? Did she tell you she plays the saw? I thought she was in a kazoo band? They need a rhythm section, duh.
Well, keep me posted.
I'm gonna go say hi to Britta.
No, don't.
You have something in your teeth.
A lot.
I do? What is it? Can't tell in this light.
But it's there.
You should check it in the bathroom.
The second-floor one.
I will.
Thank you.
You're a good friend.
Hm.
Dance the night away Hello, Jeffrey.
Are you enjoying the sock hop? A sock hop Britta has all but Britta'd by not Britta'ing her own dance.
Well, the night is young.
Mm.
I'm surprised you let her share the cafeteria.
Oh, I didn't want to.
But once she guaranteed the presence of a certain someone, I couldn't say no.
I wouldn't get your hopes up for Sophie B.
-- Oh, it's me.
Hm? Shall we dance? Whoop.
You reading the Bible? No spoilers.
I'm really hoping that things turn around for this Job guy.
So how do I look? Good.
Except you gotta lose the hat.
It doesn't go with the minister's daughter.
You know what I'm doing.
Yeah.
You're on two dates at once.
I've been watching since you came in.
I'm not good with faces.
Is that a judgmental or happy face? Heh-heh.
I think it's awesome.
It's one of my favorite bits.
Like when a dog acts embarrassed: Or when a guy chases the girl and does that public declaration of love.
It's not realistic.
Something private into a performance.
I think the dog's trained.
I was talking about the public declaration-- Oh, you're messing with me.
Yes, I was.
This thing's turning out to be tougher than I thought.
Wanna help? I'd like to, but I still got 1200 pages left of this Bible.
Yes, of course I would.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
Tonight's Sadie Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes.
For the little lady who knows her place in the kitchen.
And tonight's Sophie B.
Hawkins dance is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes.
Perfect for cleaning the dashboard of your '92 Subaru.
Ah.
Quite a turnout, Britta.
Yep.
Didn't know Sophie B.
Hawkins was so big at Greendale.
Oh, yeah.
A large percentage of Greendale students sort of gave up in the mid-'90s, so for many of them, Sophie B.
Hawkins is the most recent music they're aware of.
I mean, her coming here is gonna be a huge boost to their spirits.
Great.
Whereas, her not showing up would be enough to push these people to such a dark place and really question whether life is worth living at all.
Okay, bye-bye- So how long have you been doing Bible studies? I mean, making hats out of duct tape.
Oh, duct-tape hat-- Ah! You've never seen Star Wars movies? We're taught popular films are the devil.
If you're talking about Phantom Menace, you were taught right.
Telegram.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's urgent.
Be right back.
Pierce, Sophie B.
Hawkins isn't coming.
Everyone's gonna know I'm a liar.
Help me.
Oh, Britta.
Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine that everyone called a liar.
His name was Bernie Madoff.
Pierce, he was a liar.
He stole billions of dollars from his clients.
Has this been confirmed? Oh, my God.
I Britta'd it.
Bernie? Oh, hi, Shirley.
Hello, Annie.
Abed seems to be having a good time, which is all that matters.
You're right.
Looks like he made the right choice.
He certainly did.
So we agree.
The best woman won.
She certainly did.
He's on two dates, isn't he? He certainly is.
This is the most fun I've ever had on a work-study gig.
And I used to run the frozen-yogurt machine before that guy broke it.
Many close calls.
Keep forgetting details, using the wrong names, having to duck behind plants.
Aah! This night has been perfect.
Oh, what else is on the list? Oh.
Sorry.
If this were a movie, this would be the part where we kiss.
You're right.
Except we're doing a sitcom trope, so it'd be totally out of place.
Time to go get caught and make a plea to the girl I like.
I'm gonna go with Jessica.
She seems to be the audience favorite.
Okay, bye.
I'd rather die And I knew And I knew Uh-oh.
You thought you'd get away with this? Let me explain.
What about wanting to grow? Was that a lie so you could do another world-famous Abed TV adventure? These are real people you're messing with.
Kat is Hula-Hooping all by herself.
Abed, in the real world, people can actually get hurt.
Message for the party.
Oh.
This is great.
So I got a request for, "You suck at this.
Get off the stage.
" Okay, I don't know if that's the band or the song.
Again, apologies.
Changnesia.
Ha-ha.
Well, it blew up in my face in a slightly different way than I planned.
Can I help you? Where's Rachel? She said she had to go.
Where? I don't know.
She seemed upset.
She ran out of here without tagging half this stuff.
I mean, whose water wings are these? Aah! Come back here.
Never mind.
My baby loves me I know.
I'm sorry.
I did mean what I said about growth.
But you were both so intent on getting me dates, I couldn't help myself.
It was wrong, and hurtful.
I see that now.
Well, maybe setting you up was a bad idea.
Yeah, I guess neither of our girls were really right for you.
The worst part is I met a girl tonight that I really do like.
I was busy chasing one trope, I missed one under my nose, that the girl I liked all along was under my nose.
I've screwed things up.
I don't know if I can make them right.
Aw-- Wait.
This one's real, right? Yeah, I'm really sad.
.
Well, go find her, dummy.
Yeah, haven't you ever seen a movie? Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
I hate to say I told you so, but I'm gonna say it to Britta's face.
Sophie.
Sophie.
Sophie.
What is the nature of hope? Sophie's not coming, guys.
Boo.
Looks like someone underestimated the time it takes to plan a dance.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's Sophie B.
Hawkins.
Good evening.
I'm Sophie B.
Hawkins.
I think you know this one.
Oh, man.
That old dog has chained you up All right Give you everything you need To live inside a twisted cage Sleep beside an empty rage Did you do this? If it's possible to make something happen by willing it, then yes, I did.
Damn, I wish I was your lover I'd rock you till the daylight comes Make sure you are smiling and warm I am everything Tonight I'll be your mother I'll do such things to ease your pain Free your mind And you won't feel ashamed IOh Sorry, Sophie.
I have something to say.
Hey.
Come on, man.
Come on.
There was a girl here tonight.
Her name was Rachel.
I met her, and it was very pleasant.
And I made a mistake.
And now I'd very much like to continue this conversation in private.
Wow, viva lost love.
Damn, I wish I was your lover I'd rock you till the daylight comes You came back.
That was pretty embarrassing.
H had fi@: But I'm glad I did it.
So would you like to go out sometime? I would like that.
Wanna pretend you're just going outwith me on a bet? Oh, I'd like that very much.
Mm-hm.
But maybe we should try normal first.
Sure.
Aww.
I prefer "As I Lay Me Down.
" Me too.
You come inside myjungle book I can't believe she pulled this off.
I know.
According to dean law, I must now give her my amulet.
What? Hm? Well, she had a little help from a wise old man who was the official supplier of moist towelettes to the Lilith Fair between 1997 and 1999.
I knew it.
You're safe.
You did this? But why? Because in the face of all logic and reason, Britta didn't back down.
That makes no sense.
Also, I didn't like you being a jerk to her.
She was acting crazy.
Yeah, but what choice did she have? You make fun of her, you use her name as a synonym for screwing up.
Cut her some slack, Jeff.
She helped you reconcile with your dad.
For Pete's sake, let her be happy.
It felt like springtime On this February morning In the courtyard Birds were singing your praise I know it's probably impossible to read my texts without them sounding sarcastic, but I assure you, this one is as earnest as they come.
Congratulations on an awesome dance.
You Britta 'd the hell out of this thing.
This I pray That you will hold me dear As I lay me down to sleep This I pray That you will hold me dear Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name Into the sky Can you do one where you wish you had ice cream? Damn I wish I had some ice cream Ah! So good.
Okay, can you do one where you wish I was Batman? Fine, but this is the last one.
Okay.
Damn I wish Abed was Batman I love it so much.
So good.
All right, you guys are taking advantage of Ms.
B.
Hawkins.
But-- But-- But you nothing, she's an artist.
She is not here to do your bidding.
Heh-heh-heh.
Sorry about that.
Now, if you could just sing "Dean, I Wish I Was Your Lover" with these new lyrics.
It's for my voice-mail.
Who's Jeff Winger? Just sing the damn song.