Cougar Town s04e08 Episode Script

I heard this great joke at work.
You work? Shush it.
Okay, what do you call a pastry chef with no arms? Are you talking about my friend Amanda? Yeah, she can't be a chef anymore since she lost her arms in that pilates accident.
Why do you always make jokes so sad? This will cheer you up.
I have really good news.
Are you sterile? Wade and I are moving in together.
Well, congratulations.
Congratulations.
That's wonderful news.
Ready to commit and handsome? You are the total package, man.
You already have a best friend.
That doesn't mean I can't look.
Okay.
Welcome to the gang, Wade.
I only joined this crew a few weeks ago.
Huge honor.
Don't blow it.
Oh, speaking of which, we are out of wine.
And as the newest member-- I will buy some wine.
So, uh, what, two bottles? - Two bottles.
- Three bottles? Oh, my God.
Stop it.
Hey, guys.
Tom's worried since he's no longer the group new guy.
He needs a different role.
Group weirdo? Group parrot face? Group guy who's not really in the group? But I was thinking more like a-a group cheerleader.
Someone who could make us feel special.
I'd actually love that.
Oh, no.
It'd just be for me.
Fantastic idea, Jules.
Thanks, Tom.
I am never gonna get sick of this.
You guys, Wade is such a great person.
I really think that I would like him even if he wasn't black.
- Ooh.
- Oh, wow.
- Ohh.
- Yeah.
So how did Trav take it when he found out you two were shacking up? I haven't really told him yet.
Emergency meeting.
Everyone out except Laurie.
What? Hey.
I'm worried our kid's getting dumber.
Today I caught him in the toilet wearing goggles.
Take him somewhere where he can learn something, like the library.
- Mm.
- Do it.
Sure.
That'll be fun.
Man, I love the library! Yee-haw! See ya, suckers.
He finally outgrew his devil baby stage, huh? Yeah, Stan's been a real angel.
But you know what that means.
He's plotting something, something big.
No.
Yeah With all this Wade stuff, I have to ask, how come you and Travis never happened? Trav is awesome.
You know, he's sweet and he's smart.
But it's weird.
You know, I saw him naked in the bathtub when he was, like, 12.
To be fair, his body has changed a lot since then.
Wh-why would I What if things went bad between me and Trav? I mean, if I ever hurt him Well, I'd have to kill you.
Right.
No, seriously.
I would kill you.
I've thought about it, and I know how I'd get away with it.
My girl is super smart.
She can murder anyone.
Thanks, Tom.
Oh, thank you, Jules.
I need you to be honest with me.
Is our friendship the reason why the two of you haven't gotten together? Sweetie 'Cause it would kill me if I ever thought that I was keeping Travis from being happy or you.
Yes, Travis and I have had all of those "almost" moments.
But if it was meant to be, it would've happened, right? I just don't see us ever getting together.
I don't.
So you just moved in with the girl that's never said "no.
" I assume there's a lot of smacking, flipping, and rubbing it down, oh, no? Yeah, I actually like to keep our private life private.
She's already told you everything.
Told us, showed us videos.
By the way, you have amazing upper-body strength.
And beautiful glutes.
This, um, wouldn't be weird if we were at a gym.
- Yes, it would.
- Yeah.
When we were younger, I used to let Andy hit this constantly.
Now it's only on Sunday when Tom mows his grass.
The sound of the mower covers the wheezing and grunting noises that Andy makes.
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Where? Anywhere.
Once a week on Sunday afternoons? Girl, you nasty.
You think Jules doesn't tell me everything? You guys only got married a few months ago, and you only do it one and a half times a week.
Oh, yeah? I have no comeback to that.
Another emergency meeting.
Why do we only have sex one and a half times a week? Are we already old and boring, and what's the half? That's that thing I let you watch me do in the shower.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Fair enough.
- Ellie, did you do this? - Yep.
Would it make it better if tomorrow, we have the sexiest day ever? Ooh, yeah.
Forget one and a half.
We'll turn those halves into wholes.
Ooh.
It'll be all wholes all day.
Did I say something funny? Not on purpose.
Okay, who's gonna tell Travis about Laurie and Wade? I mean, this is sensitive, so I want to limit this to the people who really need to be here.
I mean, Laurie, it's about you.
Bobby, you're his dad.
Grayson, you're my husband.
And Ellie's my rock.
It would've been easier to say "everyone but Andy.
" Look, babe, if you want me to tell Travis, I will.
That's not sincere.
Nope.
Just trying to score points.
Okay, let's cut to the chase.
It's clear it has to be either the girl who broke his heart or the suffocating mom.
Wow.
When'd you finally realize that you suffocate him? Friday night.
I woke up in the middle of the night missing him, and well, long story short, I broke into his place and I crawled into bed with him.
And then his roommates "caught us," and whatever.
Just bad.
Again? I know I should be the one to tell Travis.
I just can't stand the thought of hurting him.
Oh.
Maybe that's the answer.
Maybe we do sexy times once, but I make it so bad that it takes all of the magic out of it.
Right? Only, you guys, I don't know if I can be bad in bed.
Jelly Bean, your head hurts when you try to solve problems, doesn't it? - It actually does.
- Fine.
I've gotta go to his place and get my mouth guard anyway.
I'll do it.
You'll do what? Start our quiet contest now.
And go.
You rock, Jules.
You're the quietest.
Shh.
You ready to start the sexiest day ever? Let's do this.
Welcome to naked day.
Mm.
Did you ever notice how many things in this house are boob-high? I actually graduated from boob high.
Really? You're right.
Naked day's serious.
Come on.
Let's have some coffee.
Nope.
I have to stay in this spot.
It's the only place in the house where the light really works on a 43-year-old body.
You look amazing.
Aww, thanks, honey, but watch.
"Top model.
" "Top chef.
" Oh, baby! Oh, baby.
Morning.
- Nice tush.
- Oh.
Seriously? Calm down.
I've seen her junk a million times.
We decided that her nipples would look better on my boobs and vice versa.
I'd have to see 'em side by side.
Jules is rockin' the birthday suit.
Now we have a party.
Thanks, Tom.
Whoa.
Why are you putting on your robe? I've got a quick emergency meeting about Travis, but I'll be back before you know it, nude, standing in my spot.
You know how Grayson calls his chest "the truth" and his back "justice"? Well, I think he should call his johnson "the American way.
" That's gold, J-bird, but why tell me? Well, he won't let me nickname it.
I think he might let you do it.
Ah, I got you.
All right.
I'll bring it up next time we're at a urinal.
I thought you called this emerg meeting to help figure out how to break the news to Trav.
Hey, just don't coddle the boy, okay? Hit him with the harsh truth.
Bobby, you know Travis doesn't handle bad news well.
Remember last time, he took off to Hawaii.
What? You guys, that's the right way to say Hawaii.
I don't care.
I still hate it.
Look, whenever I have to give crappy news to Travis, I like to get him in a happy place so he can handle it.
I used to have the perfect system.
You failed kindergarten.
You gave the whole school head lice.
Your dad and I are getting a divorce.
Shocker.
Didn't see that one coming for the last five years.
Still want to get ice cream? You know it.
Huh.
Grayson's doing dishes buck naked.
Not bad.
Whose do you like more, mine or G-man's? Mm.
Sixes.
Six and a halfs.
Mm.
Dad, can you toss me my crayons? Maybe drawing a picture will keep his mind off whatever horrible thing he's plotting.
Don't assume that Stan's up to something bad.
I mean, if you expect the worst out of kids, then that's what you're gonna get.
Hell, my parents always figured I'd drop out of college, and I did.
So you're saying if they were supportive, you would've graduated? Oh, well, let's not get crazy.
School's for nerds.
Oh, I do not feel good.
This always happens whenever I disagree with you.
You don't know my kid, Bobby.
You're wrong.
Oh, I have got to lie down.
First Jules questions my parenting, and now you? I mean, I'm a good parent, damn it.
When Travis lost a toenail, you super glued it back to his foot and stuck all of his toes together.
He made the swim team, didn't he? All right, guys.
Travis is on his way.
Now everyone's here that needs to be here.
We have the rock, the dad, the girl, the husband I got nothing.
I don't understand why I don't get to be part of Travis' pain.
Okay, guys.
It's showtime.
Everybody act really happy.
Happy.
Well, if E-train does that he'll know something's up.
Good point.
Ellie, be yourself.
Hey, everyone.
Hey, paleface.
How's the sun feel for the first time? This is 50.
This is you.
Look how close they are.
May I kill him? Sweetie! Come on now.
Let's go racing! Whoo! Aww, Stan.
Aah! Not good! Not good! Not good! You sure you want to do this? Oh, yeah.
When naked day gets put on hold, we knock it out in a public bathroom.
That's how we roll.
Okay, no one's looking.
Let's go.
Go, go, go.
Mm.
Ew! Whoo! That is a smell I have never smelled before.
That's like a-- that's like a hot stink.
Ugh.
Oh, come here.
Ohh! Oh! Oh! What? You zipped it.
Oh, God.
It's stuck.
"The American way" is stuck.
Oh, did Bobby talk to you? - I think I'm gonna black out.
- Oh.
How'd it go in there, lover boy? Die.
Whoo! Oh! Whoo! Fine.
You won.
But that was close.
Oh, please, child.
I was putting lipstick on when I passed you.
No, seriously.
I was putting lipstick on.
I don't even care.
That was so fun.
Why don't we go out to lunch and talk? - Hey, there you are.
- Hi.
- Hey, look, I know you're hanging with your friends and all.
- Yeah.
But, uh, I don't know my way around your town still, and I can't find our place.
Oh.
Wait.
You guys you guys moved in together? Yeah, we did, actually.
That's great.
That's, uh, you know, great.
Did you guys hear the news? Really? Is that why we're here? Is this just another coin-operated car? Travis, let me explain! Whoa! Whoa! - Aah! Oh! Oh! - Go, go, go, go, go! Travis! Aah! How much for these? That stupid go kart crash cost me 600 bucks.
On the plus side, we all have new sunglasses.
Dude! Could you please put something on? It's naked day, damn it.
You shave your butt? That's my business.
He doesn't.
I do it for him.
Okay, guys, we need to focus.
Trav is probably mad at all of us.
J-bird, would I be throwing you under the bus if I called Trav and said that I wanted to tell him upfront, but you wouldn't let me? Yes.
Well, then I'm sorry for throwing you under the bus about an hour ago.
That's so unfair.
I can't even apologize now since he took off again.
Ah, where'd he go, Hawaii? Okay.
I have warned you.
If you say it like that again, we are so fighting.
Mom I want you to know that I'm okay, but I don't want to talk.
Gonna camp out for a while.
Just gonna live off the land.
Maybe grow a beard if that's even possible.
Don't look for me.
Oh, this is all my fault.
I'm such a bad mom.
The worst mom! Okay, I think it's time for that to be over.
She knows what she wants.
I don't think I can make him stop.
She doubts herself.
She's only human.
I'll go.
If Trav really is, uh, camping in what appears to be the Amazon, why is he holding a TV remote? Emergency meeting.
Now.
Great.
Stan? Buddy, is that you? Stan? Stan? Oh! Oh! Oh, don't kill me! Take your mom! I love you more than she does! Aah! Huh.
Oh.
There is nothing sadder than a naked guy all alone on naked day.
I thought my wife would care if I was nude for her.
If you ever write a suicide note, that's how it should start.
The cliche's true.
When you first fall in love, it's all hot and sexy.
And then you get married, and then it's once a week, lights off, socks on.
Jules wears socks? Two pair.
Her feet and her hands get cold.
I am stealing that.
Look, dime eyes.
We're not young, stupid couples that are naked all day or trying to get hep C by doing it in public bathrooms.
Until I started torturing you, weren't you happy with your one and a half times a week? I guess.
Well, then stop acting like it's the end of the world.
Thanks.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
I can't really have a nice moment with you when you have it tucked behind like that.
I was trying to be respectful.
Just put it out.
I know you're probably not happy to see either one of us.
No, no.
It's great.
I mean, most people don't get a chance to actually live out their worst nightmare.
O-okay.
Who's gonna get this ball rolling? So, Laurie what's new? Just the whole "me moving in with Wade" thing.
Right.
I'm really sorry, Travis.
I I should've told you.
No, it's cool.
I'm mostly pissed at her.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, babe, it's not really a good time.
Oh, I don't care what we have for dinner.
Throttle it back, Ando.
Ah, I can't.
My heart is racing.
Oh, I think I'm gonna die.
- Oh.
- Okay, I'm here for you, buddy.
All right? Just look into my eyes.
They're so blue.
There.
All better.
Why would you mess with me? My world doesn't work if you mess with me.
Everyone jokes about Stan being a devil baby.
But not you.
You never bought into it, and that's what makes you such a great person.
You're the guy that always believes in everyone, even me.
And I use an old bathroom candle as deodorant.
So from one father to another, you gotta always believe in your son.
I hear you.
Aah! Thanks for all these shades.
I've always wanted to this.
You know this whole thing with Laurie-- I-I was just trying to protect you, right? I know, mom.
Well, your dad says I need to stop doing that.
He thinks I need to let you face the harsh truth every once in a while.
He's probably right.
I mean, sometimes your dad is a better parent than me.
No, he's not.
Sorry.
No, he's not.
No, sometimes he is, because he knows that it's-- it's not how you deal with the good times that makes you a stronger person.
It's how you handle disappointment.
Fine.
Harsh truth.
Do Laurie and I have a shot at ending up together? Well, we don't need to start harsh-truthin' it right away.
Mom, j-- Okay.
No.
She said that she has something real with Wade now.
I am sorry.
No, it's it's good.
'Cause I can finally just let it go.
I'm free.
I'm glad.
Hey.
Hey.
Look, I just want to say that I'm really happy for you and Wade.
I mean it.
You know, you're moving forward in your life.
And I should, too.
And, uh, I think it's a good thing.
Thanks.
So I'll see you around.
Always.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye.
there's something you should know Uh What's wrong? Just that it seems like he got over me really fast.
But that's good.
Mm.
That's what I want.
Jules, is that what I want? Oh, good God.
Whoo-hoo Wow.
Today was a giant crap sandwich.
You don't have to do that.
It's naked day for three more hours.
Yeah.
Look, I've been thinking, Jules.
I'm I'm happy with what we have.
You know, we're in our 40s, and I don't want hep C.
What now? Oh, it made sense when Ellie said it.
Look, the point is that one and a half times a week is fine.
And that half thing you do, that is special.
Seriously, people would pay to see that.
Really? All right.
You listen to me.
We're not Ellie and Andy.
I mean, if you're happy with what we're doing, then I'm cool with it.
But if you're not, I'm game for anything.
Seriously? Yes.
And I don't want Ellie messing with our marriage.
Now you take your clothes off and come outside and finish naked day.
Why outside? You're gonna have to stop asking questions.
Okay? Oh Jules! Seriously? They're having sex in the backyard.
Get back to bed.
Come on! Dad! Stan! Dad, help! Oh.
- Dad! Dad! - Don't worry, buddy.
- Dad, help! - Daddy's coming.
- Dad! - Stan.
Stan! Dad, help! Daddy! - Wait.
What? - Dad, help! Stan, no! No! Oh, I believe in you, Stan.