Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e08 Episode Script

What does it take to be a "Girls Gone Wild" girl? You have to show your! Those girls from Cancun are wild.
Yes, they are, but if you want to see how wild they really get, you've gotta get the video.
- Hello? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Channel 57.
- Yeah, I'm watching.
- Oh ho ho ho! - What's going on in the world? - They're college girls.
They're wild.
- They've gone wild.
- We've gotta have it.
- Okay.
- I can't have it sent to my house.
- Susie'll kill me.
- I don't want it sent here.
- How about your office? - Okay, good, my office.
Okay, I'll order it on the phone.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye.
"Ultimate Spring Break" absolutely free.
- You won't believe the insanity - Larry? Oh, have you seen my Palm Pilot? Palm Pilot? It's not here, no.
What are you watching? Just flipping around.
Um, what are we doing about the poison oak in the backyard? I thought you were supposed to be taking care of that.
Jeff's got this Indian guy.
They're immune to it.
- Wandering Bear, yeah.
- Okay.
Um, I'm gonna see Jeff tomorrow.
- I'll mention it to him.
- Okay.
I'll take care of it, okay.
And, um, while we're here, have you noticed that we have not had sex in a very long time? I'm watching this thing about hippos.
This is the longest we've gone since we've been married.
- I had the dog bite.
- I know.
That was awhile ago.
It's better, isn't it? You went off the pill.
What are we supposed to do? So we use condoms or something.
I can't use condoms.
First of all, I'm embarrassed to buy 'em, and I'm not good at it.
Why don't we do this? I'll call and make an appointment for you to have a vasectomy and then we don't have to worry about this any longer.
- Okay, fine.
- No no, but I want you to think about I'll get the condoms.
I'll get the condoms.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So have you seen my Palm Pilot? It's not here.
It's downstairs.
I think it's downstairs.
see and hear underwater and they're well insulated.
Don't miss the videos everyone's talking about.
"Girls Gone Wild Ultimate Spring Break" on video or DVD for just $9.
99.
Yes, I was, uh, I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape about the college girls and the wild, the wildness.
They're going wild or something.
Somebody told me about going wild.
Hey.
What's the matter? Marvin and I broke up.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Larry, I can't believe it.
How come? I-I just I can't say.
It's too personal.
Too personal? I just don't understand, Larry, why it happened.
Everything was going so well.
I thought we were gonna maybe get married.
I just I didn't see this coming at all.
I mean how can things be going so well one day and you're planning a trip, and then the next day it's over? What are those, Mentos? Mmm.
Boy, that's really good.
That is a hell of a candy, you know that? How do they get the essence of orange like that? It's amazing, just with chemicals.
Well, I got a couple of things for you to do.
I need you to get some cash for me.
And I got a corn.
I need some Freeze On.
- I hope that'll get rid of it.
- Mm-hmm.
- One ounce or two? - Get some Mentos for me.
Fill up my car with mints and gum and good fresh-breath stuff.
A lot of fresh, freshness.
So I'll just reach into the well and I'll just have an unlimited good breath supply.
And, uh, cancel lunch with, uh, Jason Small for me.
Okay, cancel lunch, and why? I don't know.
Tell him it's my mother's unveiling or something.
Okay, so lie and then get some treats for the car? Yeah.
Anything else? Well, your mail is here.
"Girls Gone Wild," Larry? Hey, what are you doing opening my mail? I thought it was my mail.
I ordered a Pilates video.
Look, it says "Larry David" on it.
Well, I was a little distracted.
Anyway it's not for me, it's for Jeff.
- For Jeff? - Yeah.
Come on.
"Girls Gone Wild"? It's supposed to be "College Girls Gone Wild.
" "College Girls Gone Wild"? Better they're younger.
Yeah, "College Girls Gone Wild.
" Do you know what that does to women? Terrible, I agree with you.
It's terrible.
Do Jeff a favor and throw that away.
- I intend to talk to him.
- Good, Larry.
Why the hell does he need this stuff? - Hey.
- Hey.
I, uh got you what you need.
Everlast condoms, my friend.
- Hey.
- The best in the business.
Really? Oh, thank you.
With those babies you're never gonna stop.
- Never gonna stop? - Never gonna stop.
- I want one called "Get It Over With.
" - Not Everlast? How long you think I'd want to do that for? All night long, I would've guessed.
It gets boring, come on.
- Fucking's boring? - It doesn't get boring after awhile? It's a bore.
No, it doesn't get boring.
What is it? It's enough, in and out.
These things, by the way, really give me problems anyway.
- I don't know what can't get them on! - Just roll them Come on, they fit me.
You gotta get them on so fast.
- Who's timing you? - Hmm.
They'll make you a different kind of man.
So they really make you, like, last? Everlast? All night long.
Thank you for getting them for me.
- I'm embarrassed to go to the store.
- My pleasure.
Remember that Indian you were telling me about? - Yeah, Wandering Bear.
- I need his number.
I'll be glad to give it to you.
But don't say you got it from me.
He's pissed off at me 'cause Susie doesn't want me to pay him because he went $200 over the estimate.
- But it's an estimate.
- It's an estimate! Hey, what's going on with your gal down the hall there? She's crying and I'm having a lot of problems with her.
You know, first of all - her boyfriend broke up with her.
- Yeah? And frankly, I'd like to do the same.
- Why don't you fire her? - I can't.
- Why? - Because she knows everything about me.
She knows my dietary habits.
She knows about all my web of lies and bullshit and deceit.
- She knows more than Cheryl does.
- You can't fire her.
- She'll destroy me.
- You're trapped.
I'm trapped for life.
She doesn't want to do anything else this is it.
Oh, dear God, you're trapped! You know what else she knows? She knows about this.
Oh man, it came! Wow, "College Girls Gone Wild.
" Look at that.
We can go to my house and watch it.
Oh, yeah, we'll have an "Auto Focus" party.
"Auto Focus" party? I got the big screen, we can watch it.
Which character are you gonna be? - I'm Bob Crane.
- You're Bob Crane? You can be the freakish guy.
- I'll be Willem Dafoe.
- He's a freak.
It's the hottest "Girls Gone Wild" video ever! I'm having so much trouble with these glasses.
- I got these blended bifocals.
- Yeah.
And I can't get I can't get used to them.
- Just watch.
- You know what? I wanna go to the car and get my other glasses, okay? - Go ahead.
- Pause it.
I'll be back in two seconds.
- No, I'm not gonna pause it.
- What do you mean? I'm not a pauser.
I don't like pausing.
Well, you're just not being very fair.
Fine! Hurry up! - Ready? - Yeah, that's more like it.
- Have you seen Oscar? - No.
Oscar?! Did you leave the door open? - Yeah, when l - God damn it.
What, I Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! - Oscar! - Oscar! - Oskie! - Oscar! - See that? - What? I waved to a guy in a Prius and he didn't wave back.
I don't wave to people with the same car as me.
We're Prius drivers we're a special breed.
A special breed.
You know what? I wanna see what's up with that guy.
See what's up with that guy? What are you doing? What are you gonna do after you catch him? Nothin'.
Oh my God! Oscar.
Oscar! Oh my God, are you okay? - Oskie, are you okay, boy? - He seems okay.
He's not bleeding or anything.
Let me see if he can stand.
Come on, stand up, Oskie.
- Oh, yeah.
- He seems fine.
Aw.
What do you want to do? Should we take him to the vet? He seems okay.
He actually does seem okay.
All right, we'll go back to the house.
We'll put the video in, watch it and the whole time we'll monitor Oscar.
Yeah, we'll watch the video, and we'll keep an eye on him at the same time.
I'm not saying don't take him to the vet if he needs to.
We'll watch the video and monitor him.
Video and monitor, that's it.
- Let's get him in the car.
- Do not tell anyone about this.
Well, he knows about it.
Good thing he can't talk.
Come on, pal, hop in.
- He seems okay.
- He seems fine.
- Huh, is it my imagination? - No, he seems fine.
- I think he seems okay.
- Yeah.
I got news for you.
I don't even think I hit him.
I don't think you hit him, either.
- I did not hit that dog.
- You did not hit that dog.
Hey, let's make a pact right now.
If we notice anything wrong while watching, we're gonna stop the tape and take him to the vet.
- Immediately.
Let's go.
- Immediately.
See, it pays to lay off that sex for a while.
It kind of reminds me of when Mantle was injured in '63.
He was out for about two months.
Comes back, first at bat, out of the park, home run.
Huh? It's kind of similar.
What? There's something really strange happening.
I am completely numb.
Yeah.
- Down there? - Yeah.
I can't feel anything.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hmm.
I don't know why.
This has never happened before.
Well, it has something to do with the condom? I don't know why it would.
"Everlast lasts all night.
Contains the numbing agent lidocaine.
" What? I must have put it on inside out.
Inside out? Honestly, you don't know how to put this on? I just I didn't no, I slipped it on the way you're supposed to put it on.
do it every day.
- It's not hard! - I don't use it often.
I slipped it on.
There's no instructions or anything.
- I rolled it down.
- There's a wrong and a right way.
You're the one who wanted to wear the condom.
You didn't tell me you didn't know how to put it on, Larry.
Jesus.
I didn't know you could put it on inside out! - Hello? - Hey.
Hey, that condom you gave me, Everlast? - There's something wrong with it.
- What? I put it on inside out by mistake.
Now Cheryl's all numb in her vagina.
Don't you know how to put a rubber on? It's dark who can read? I can't start reading instructions.
How could you have done that? I knew there was something uncomfortable about it.
It was really like squeezing the life out of me.
They're designed to go the other way.
Then you last and you last.
- Have you ever heard of this before? - What? - The numb vagina? - We got bigger problems.
- What? - Oscar is not good.
He's just lethargic as can be and his bark is like - emasculated.
- You think it's from the incident? - Yes, I think it has.
- Jeffrey! - Susie knows something's going down.
- Where are you? You listen and you listen good.
You keep that trap shut.
What did you do to this dog?! Something's wrong with Oscar! Susie's yelling.
I gotta get going.
I'm sorry about Cheryl's vagina.
- What's wrong with him? - I'll talk to you later, bye.
Hey! How is it? It feels like it's been shot with novocaine.
- Oh my God.
- There's nothing.
I'm really sorry.
Hi, Wandering Bear.
How's it going? Good.
Okay.
Hey, I'm sorry about that situation with Jeff and Susie.
You should just go there and demand that they pay you the money they owe you.
I guarantee you'll get it.
There's an old Indian saying, "What goes around comes around.
" You sure that's Indian? I thought that was English.
It could apply to anyone.
Hey, Wandering Bear, let me ask you a question.
You're a shaman of sorts.
You know all about plants and herbs and you're kind of a medicine man in a way.
Last night I put a condom on inside out.
And my wife's vagina is completely numb.
Do you know of any herbal remedy that might work for her? Hmm give me a pencil and paper.
Well, I have a pen.
Same thing.
Well yeah, but you said pencil, so I just thought I'd mention that I had a pen.
They both perform the same function.
That's true.
Pencil has an eraser.
You make a mistake, you can erase.
So there's a slight difference.
Some people are very specific about it.
- One writes, the other writes.
- But you did say pencil.
Is that a "Y"? That's a "T.
" Thank you, Wandering Bear.
What? - Hey.
- Hey.
You forgot to cancel that lunch with Jason Small.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
He called my house.
It was kind of embarrassing.
Really? Wow.
Oh, gosh, I'm really sorry about that.
Um, today I need you to go to Mel Brooks's office and pick up some music for me.
Then I need you to go to my business manager's office, there's a package which I need you to bring to my house.
Uh, hey, let me ask you, um, like a guy question.
Sure.
At home my machine is full of all these hang-ups.
Yeah? I'm wondering if it's Marvin because he wants to talk to me.
- Of course.
Yes yes.
- Is it? So I don't know what to do.
I mean clearly he's reaching out, but I shouldn't make the first move, right? Yeah, you want to get the phone? Should I make the first - No.
- I should stand my ground.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, thanks, Larry.
Hello? Larry David's hello? Wandering Bear cured her vagina.
He wrote down this thing it's a root or something.
She went to a health food store.
I spoke to her on the phone she's better.
Wandering Bear cures vaginas? That guy is some kind of magician or something.
I wish I had special powers over the vagina.
How's, uh, how's Oscar, by the way? Not good.
He's, uh, just moping around, same old thing, making those noises.
Susie took him to the vet.
Did you say anything? Okay? Oh, hey, by the way, here, you can have these condoms back.
No, I'm not using them anymore.
My doctor told me not to.
He says it's no good for me to keep going and going.
It's not good for my heart.
Wow.
It's a rubber for a young man.
You know what? You might be right about that.
Okay, that's who it's for.
Hey, my 5-wood's coming in today at 4:30.
Let's go get it.
- All right, I'll pick you up at 4:30.
- Beautiful.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What did the vet say? He said that Oscar's voice box is damaged as though somebody - was trying to strangle him.
- Strangle the dog? Ssomebody was trying to choke him.
Who could that be, I wonder? What, who would want to do something like that? The dog bit your penis so you're trying to fucking kill him? Is that what it is? - No, that's ridiculous! - Really? Then what happened? How come he can't speak? What's wrong with him? I don't know, maybe he got hit by a car.
Oh, please, he's gonna get hit by a car, how? Well, maybe somebody left the door open.
Who's gonna leave the door open and let him out? Jeff could have.
Jeff, did you leave the door open? - Yeah, exactly.
- I'm not saying he did it on purpose.
Maybe he went to get something from his car.
Maybe you didn't try to strangle him, but something else happened, and you were involved, and I am gonna get to the bottom of this.
Hi, Wandering Bear.
Hello.
How is your vagina? It's getting better.
Good.
Wandering Bear just asked me how my vagina is.
Well, I'm sure he just wanted to see if his cure was working.
I don't appreciate strangers asking me about my vagina.
God.
- Wait a second.
Did you thank him? - No.
You could have at least expressed some gratitude.
He did cure your vagina, did he not? Hey, Wandering Bear might not be such a good idea to ask my wife how her vagina is.
I don't know how it is with American Indians, but the Jew generally doesn't ask other men's wives about their vagina.
It's a custom thing.
Well, if you take her to the white man doctor, he will not only ask about her vagina, he'll look.
Good point, Wandering Bear, good point.
Anyway, it's really working out.
She's feeling a lot better.
Thanks again.
Hey.
Here are the papers from your business manager's office.
So What about the music from Mel's office? Oh, Larry, was I supposed to pick that up? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I totally forgot.
Uh-huh, just like you forgot to call Jason Small and cancel the lunch appointment.
Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
I'm terrible.
I'm a bad assistant.
You know, I don't need this.
Do your own errands, run your own life.
- I'm done.
No, I quit, Larry.
- What are you talking about? - What? - I don't need this anymore.
- No, you can't quit.
- Tell Jason Small, or maybe I will, about your mom's fake unveiling.
How about that? Isn't that nice? And I'm sure Cheryl would love to hear about "College Girls Gone Wild.
" Yeah, Cheryl, that's right.
"College Girls Gone Wild," Cheryl, it's hot! You know what? Everybody's gonna know every lie, every deceit, every half-truth you have ever told, mister! Eight years of service! Come on, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I apologize.
But you can't quit.
Come on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Larry? What are you doing? What's going on? She quit.
She quit.
She's gonna expose me to the world.
She said she's gonna tell everybody about my lies and my deceit.
And I said terrible things about so many people.
And you and Jeff and Susie and Louis, everybody I know and What have you said about me? - Oh, did I say you? - Yeah.
No no, I didn't mean you.
No, the others.
The others, not you.
But the point is that I'm gonna be ruined, you understand? - We're gonna have to move.
- Why was she so upset? I yelled at her.
She was supposed to do some stuff for me.
- She didn't do it.
- I'm sure she'll be fine once she She hasn't been fine since she broke up with her boyfriend.
That's the whole problem.
See, now if I could get those two back together I need to talk to her boyfriend.
I got news for you.
Okay.
That's what I need to do.
- Hey, Marv.
- Hi, Larry.
- I came to see you.
- Okay, yeah, sit down.
- Yeah? - Yeah, sure.
So, uh, I wanted to talk to you about Antoinette.
Oh, uh, yeah, that's, um that's a tough, uh, a tough situation.
I don't understand what happened.
You were such a great couple and Yeah, you know, she's a great gal.
She really is.
I love her What are you breaking up with her for? You know, it's personal.
I know.
That's what she said.
It's, uh Pour it out, buddy.
It's sexual, sexual.
Marvin, I've had every sexual problem known to mankind.
What is it, you're impotent? I've gone 10 years with no erection.
What is that? That's not it.
It's not that.
When the race begins, I'm at the finish line just like that Quick quick, I finish quick.
Ah Hmm.
It's tough.
Hmm.
- Marv.
- Yes? Your problems are over.
Everlast condom? I've used condoms before, Larry, they don't help.
You haven't used this one.
All night, my friend all night.
I've just got one little word of advice for you.
Don't wear it inside out.
Thanks, Larry.
- Hey.
- Ready to go? Yeah, let me go get my jacket.
I'll be right out.
How's Oscar? He's not good, Larry.
He's not good.
He's the same.
He hasn't gotten any better.
I know you did something.
I'll get that.
Yeah, good, go get the door.
Ah, Wandering Bear.
- No, I don't want him in the house.
- Come in.
- Hello, David.
- Hello.
I've come to collect my money.
Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already.
You don't need to talk like that.
- You're a better person than that.
- No, she's not.
We paid you, that was it.
I'd like you out of my house.
- I need to be paid in full please.
- You don't get out of my house, - I'll get my dog.
- Susie! - Oscar! - Susie, come on.
- Oscar! - Please don't do that.
You see this? He's useless.
You see what you did to him? He's useless.
This used to be a watchdog.
May I take a look at him? Fine fine, go ahead.
Ahhh! Hey, Prius!