Dad's Army (1968) s04e08 Episode Script

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? - What are you going to have, Wilson? - Toad in the hole, sir.
I think I'll try the fish and potato pie.
We'd better get in the queue before the rush starts.
- Soup? - No, thank you.
Could I have a piece of toad in the hole, please? Toad coming up.
- One toad.
- Thank you.
Could I have just a little bit more toad? Only half a toad per portion per person.
There's a war on, you know.
Next.
Fish pie, please.
What sort of fish is it? - Snoek.
- Pardon? Snoek.
- Could I have toad in the hole instead, please? - I wish you'd make up your mind.
- Carrots and swede? - Yes, please.
Thank you.
- Next.
- Fish pie, please.
- What sort of fish is that? - Snoek.
Can I have the toad in the hole instead? Cor blimey! Another one.
I'm not having this old lark.
Listen! The fish pie's snoek, got it? Snoek! Next.
- Bread pudding? With or without? - With, please.
- Hey! I saw that.
- I beg your pardon? Don't you come that la-di-da talk with me.
Put that slice back.
You're only allowed one.
- Don't forget there's a war on.
- I'm not likely to, am I? - And take your dirties back to the hatch.
- I always do.
Oh, no, you don't! You left them on that table yesterday.
I haven't got time to clear up your dirties.
- Now, look here - Go and sit down.
You're making an exhibition of yourself.
- Bread pudding? - No, just the custard, please.
I have to watch my figure, you know.
You've got a nice figure.
My friend and I think you look like a great big teddy bear, don't we? Oh, yes.
Just like a great big cuddly teddy bear.
(LAUGHS) Do you really think so? I'm sorry.
Is my steak ready, Doreen? - Oh, yes.
Go and get Mr Walker's steak, Betty.
- Coming up.
Mr Walker's steak? - Here you are.
- Ta, love.
- What are you doing with that steak, Walker? - I'm gonna eat it.
There's two weeks' meat ration there.
I've got toad in the hole.
You wanna watch that.
That can be very nasty.
- Why have you got steak? - I brought it in and they cooked it for me.
By the way, I've got your elastic here.
Don't want 'em fallin' down on the job, do we? Just take for the tea, will you, love? Look here, Walker.
Flaunting your black market food in here, you'll get the platoon a bad name.
I don't want to be rude, but I'm not in uniform and I'm not on parade.
Also, I'm a customer at your bank and I've got a deposit account with over 1,500 quid in it, so if you don't mind, I'll have me dinner.
Mine's one and two.
To be exact, he's got 1,542.
Find another table, Pike.
Can't have the rank and file eating with us.
- Do you want some pickle, Pikey? - Yes, please.
I haven't seen this since before the war.
- Pickle, Mr Mainwaring? - No, thank you.
Not with toad in the hole.
It's free.
- Hello, Pikey.
Hello, Joe.
- Hello, mate.
Hello, Mr Mainwaring.
I've come to say goodbye.
Don't tell me you've got your calling-up papers at last, Jonesy (!) Give those boys hell for me, will you? And, Jonesy, if you don't come back, can I have that ten bob you borrowed? Don't try and be funny.
If you want that ten shillings, you can have it.
- I was only joking.
- Sit down.
Everybody's staring at you.
Let them stare.
I wear this uniform with pride, I do.
Careful! Those mothballs went in our dinner.
Don't shout - everyone will want one! - Do sit down.
You're showing us up.
- All right, sir.
- Where are you going? - To the 42nd annual reunion for the veterans of the Battle of Omdurman, sir.
Really? I served in that campaign with some distinction.
I should have been mentioned in dispatches but they ran out of paper.
That was the last cavalry charge made by the British army.
- It was very exciting.
I'll show you - Not just now, Jones, please.
- Hang on! What's your game? - I'm only going to borrow them.
There were these two huge rocks, you see, huge rocks like that Like that General Kitchener, he was over here, and the mad Mahdi, he was over here.
All of a sudden, there was this great big bugle call.
(TOOTS) All these dervishes and all that lot, they come rushing towards us, fuzzy-wuzzies, charging away like anything.
General Kitchener was standing on his horse, or rather sitting on it, as cool as a cucumber.
He said, ''Don't shoot till you see the red of their eyes.
'' - Wasn't it the whites of their eyes? - Yeah, but he should have said red.
All that dust and sand makes your eyes red.
You get bloodshot eyeballs, you see.
You get a lot of bloodshot eyeballs in the desert.
I don't mean lying around in the sand, I mean attached to the head, you know.
- Have you finished with my pickle? - Not yet.
These dervishes and fuzzy-wuzzies charged at us remorsefully.
We kept repulsing them, then they come at us with those great big choppers.
They were chopping off heads left, right and centre and there was blood everywhere.
And the corpses were ten foot high, they were.
Ooh, it was terrible.
They don't have battles like that any more.
No, I'm afraid they don't.
Well, Mr Mainwaring, I'll leave you to enjoy your dinner.
I seem to have somehow lost my appetite.
Yes, so have I.
We can't waste food in wartime, can we? Mr Walker - Mind if I have some of your pickle? - No, no.
You help yourself.
It might help to make it a little more palatable.
(WILSON) Quite.
Yes.
Are you all right, sir? What on earth's happened to him? What is it, Walker? - Something in this? - Hang on.
(SNIFFS) Gawd! I think one of Jonesy's mothballs fell in the pickle, and Mr Mainwaring's just eaten it.
For heaven's sake! - Excuse me.
- Ay-ay! What about your dirties? Go and take your dirties back to the hatch! Just clear away, will you, please? Captain Mainwaring, it's to the right, downstairs.
Capitalist lackey! Where are the boys of the old brigade Who fought with us side by side? Excuse me, sir.
Private Frazer is outside, waiting to introduce his new recruit, sir.
- Bring them in, will you? - Right, sir.
Frazer, you can bring your friend in now.
Sir, I'd like to introduce Mr George Clarke.
He wants to join our ranks, sir.
- Good evening, Mr Clarke.
- Good evening, sir.
- I'd say you'd served in the army before.
- That's correct, sir.
Do you know Mr Clarke well? And you've known him for some time? - Aye, sir.
- He's a man of integrity? And very generous, sir.
He stood me several drinks in the bar at the Anchor last Thursday.
When did you first meet him? In the bar at the Anchor last Thursday.
- Tell us about yourself, Mr Clarke.
- Well, sir (WHEEZES AND COUGHS) I've been a regular soldier all me life.
I retired ten year ago and have only been in Walmington-on-Sea for a few weeks.
- When did you first join the army? - 44 year ago, sir.
1897.
I served in the Sudan under General Kitchener at the Battle of Omdurman, sir.
- Good heavens.
That's a coincidence.
- Yes.
I don't suppose you came across a Lance Corporal Jones? I can't remember that.
Thousands of men took part in that battle.
- I realise that.
I was only joking.
- I was in the Warwickshire Regiment.
Jones was in the Warwickshires, sir.
It was a long time ago, but come to think of it, I do seem to remember one Jones.
He was always a bit behind with his drill.
- He wasn't a lance corporal, though.
- That's him.
He wasnae a lance corporal? - No, he was just an ordinary private.
- Did you hear that, Mr Mainwaring, eh? The man's an impostor! - He never was a lance corporal.
I knew it.
- All right, Frazer.
We'll have to wait till tomorrow to see if it's him.
Come half an hour before parade, Clarke.
We'll fit you up with a uniform.
I'll just swear you in.
Hand me the Bible, Wilson.
What Bible? - A Bible to swear him in with.
- I haven't got a Bible.
I remember asking you to bring one along.
The word Bible never passed your lips.
How can I swear him in without the Bible? Hurry up.
There's only 20 minutes to parade.
I shan't be a minute, sir.
Haven't you got a pair of braces? - I wear a belt to keep me trousers up.
- You should wear braces, - otherwise you're not dressed right.
- In braces, I won't be able to dress right.
- Can't you find him a better blouse than that? - It's the best I can do.
The customer's rather an awkward size.
Alter it, then.
You must be smartly turned out.
This is an efficient unit.
- When do I start training, sir? - You'll have to pick it up as you go along.
This fella Clarke says he knew Jones in the Sudan.
But that was back in 1800 and frozen stiff.
How would he remember? This fella says that the Jones he knew was always a beat behind everybody else when they were drilling.
It still doesn't prove anything.
You don't half look rough! How did the reunion of the Battle of Omdi-bum-bum go? - Omdurman! - I bet you and your mates relived it over again.
We had a very nice time, thank you.
You were drunk, were ye? Drunk! No, I wasn't drunk.
I just had a rather convivial evening, that's all.
Mr Mainwaring wants to see you in his office.
Hold on.
Come on, boys.
We don't want to miss this.
(MAINWARING) Come in! - Lance Corporal Jones to see you, sir.
- All right, Frazer.
I don't need you to show me in the office.
- Evening, sir.
- Evening, Corporal.
This is Private Clarke, our new recruit.
How do you do? Hello, Jonesy.
Do you remember me? No, I don't think I do.
Of course you do! 14789, Private Clarke.
- Ooh! Hello, Nobby! - Hello, mate.
- Long time no see, eh? - Yes.
A long time.
- You remember me now, don't you? - Yes, I remember you now, Nobby, yes.
And I remember youmate (!) I remember you very, very well.
It's nearly time for the parade, sir.
I'll go and fall the men in.
It will give me a chance to introduce Clarke to the rest of the platoon.
This way, Clarke.
Shut the door! - Well, did you see that? - See what? I'll tell ye, I've a kind of a notion that these two, Clarke and Jones, didnae like each other very much! You ain't half an old mixer, Taffy.
Maybe.
There's something between those two that Jones doesnae want us to know about.
Really, Mr Frazer, I can't believe that.
Can't ye? I can.
There's no smoke without fire.
No smoke without fire.
Where are the boys of the old brigade? Well, you see, after parade, I took this fella Clarke along for a drink.
When he had stood me a couple of pints, I came out with him directly.
I says, ''Tell me, what DID happen between you and Jones?'' He was very evasive about the whole affair, but from what I could gather reading between the lines and putting two and two together, it seems that these two were out on patrol and somehow they got captured.
Well, Jones managed to escape and he left this fella Clarke in the desert to die.
Mind you, there may not be any truth in it, but .
.
what I always say is, there's no smoke without fire.
No smoke without fire.
Look at that lovely moon, Joe.
Yeah.
- Oh, yes.
It's very nice.
- What's up with you tonight? - I've got a lot of things on me mind.
- Makes a change.
You've usually only got one thing on your mind.
Come on, give us a kiss.
- Wait.
There's a time and place for that.
- This IS the time and the place.
Don't you love me any more? Of course I love you.
I'm mad about you.
It's just I'm worried about Jonesy.
I asked him if it was true about him leaving this fella in the lurch.
He wouldn't say anything.
Wouldn't even deny it.
Are you gonna give me a kiss or not? I suppose so.
I'm sitting here, ain't I? Are you asleep, Elizabeth? (ELIZABETH GROANS) I can't help thinking it would be better to sleep inside the house when there isn't a raid on.
This shelter's very damp.
(ELIZABETH MUMBLES) Oh It's no good, I I can't sleep.
I'm going to have a read.
I'm sure you'd be much more comfortable if I were on the top bunk.
(ELIZABETH GROANS) - Post, Mr Jones.
- Thank you, Raymond.
Ta.
(JONES) ''Why did you leave your friend in the desert to die?'' ''There's no room in Walmington-on-Sea for a coward.
'' ''A coward like you is not even worth a whole white feather, ''so I am sending you a half of one.
'' - Raymond! - Yes, Mr Jones? Here.
Look after the shop for a little while.
There's something I've got to do.
What's that, Mr Jones? Something I should have done a long time ago, boy.
It's the only way.
It's the only way.
I intend to get to the bottom of this once and for all.
Now, Clarke, exactly what did happen between you and Jones in the desert? Well, sir, we was on patrol and we was captured by the dervishes.
They pegged me out in the sand.
Jones begged for mercy and they took him with 'em.
Somehow, he managed to escape, but he never came back for me.
He left me to die, he did.
I passed out.
I can just remember this native bending over me, going through me pockets.
When I come to, I was in hospital.
That native must have saved my life, even if he did pinch me wallet.
I find it hard to believe that Jones would have left you to die.
Then why has he cleared off? - I'll tell you why.
- Jones, where have you been? Permission to speak, sir.
I'd like to thank you for having faith in me.
Up to now, my lips have been sealed, but now I can reveal myself in my true light and tell you what really happened.
It all occurred a few days before the Battle of Omdurman.
(JONES) Private Clarke and I were part of a patrol sent to find out the strength of the Mahdi's army.
We were under the command of Colonel Smythe, a tall, resolute man of iron who scarcely spoke a word.
The other officer was a young, raw second lieutenant, just out of Sandhurst.
He was the colonel's nephew.
There was also a young Cockney, Private Green.
He kept our spirits up with jokes.
The sergeant was Sergeant Ironside, a nasty coarse fella who kept giving us the rough side of his tongue.
I knew that patrol was doomed from the start.
I could see vultures overhead, waiting to pick our bones.
Then, as we rounded a corner, there was an old fakir blocking our path.
''Turn backI Turn backI'' said the old fakir.
''It is written in the sand that before the sun sinks, you will all be deadI'' ''RubbishI'' said the colonel.
''Clear out of the way, you old foolI'' ''Do not go against the will of AllahI'' said the old fakir.
''What's written in the sand ''is written in the sandI'' None of us took much notice of him.
However, as we drew level with him, the sergeant gave him a mouthful of coarse abuse.
This seemed to upset the old fakir who said something to the sergeant in Arabic.
I didn't understand, but later I learnt it was a curse upon us all.
We didn't have long to wait before the words of the fakir came true.
At midday, as the sun scorched down like a burning brass ball, without a word of warning, a fusillade of shots rang out.
Take cover! Take cover! Take cover! Take (BUZZING) .
.
cover! Take cover! Now! I rushed over to the lieutenant and cradled him in my arms.
Thinking of this young boy dying out here in the foreign burning desert was too much to bear.
Thank you, Jones.
You're a good chap.
Dashed hard luck, it happening like this.
I want you to promise me something.
What's that, sir? When you get back to England - .
.
I want you to go and see my mater.
- Yes, sir.
Tell her I couldn't help it.
You couldn't help what, sir? Falling off my horse.
Keep your (BUZZING) .
.
heads down! - Uncle Arthur.
- Yes, Franklin? In case we don't get out of this alive, there's something I want to ask you.
What is it? - It's about you and Mater.
- I'd rather you didn't ask.
- All right.
I won't.
- That's it.
Don't.
- There's thousands of 'em! - Shut up, and keep your (BUZZING) .
.
head down! I don't like the look of this, Colonel.
Those (BUZZING) .
.
dervishes mean business.
I think you're right, Sergeant.
As soon as it's dark, we'd better send somebody for help.
Permission to speak, sir.
What is it, Jones? I volunteer to fetch help as soon as it's dark, sir.
All right, Jonesy.
Take Private Clarke with you.
(JONES) We managed to creep out during the night, and the next morning we were on our way for help.
Little did we realise that nasty savage eyes was watching our every move.
All the time, the sun was beating down on us, and we had to stop for a rest.
It was then we realised our water bottles were empty.
Suddenly, there was two horrible dervishes looking down at us.
We were trapped.
Caught by the dervishes.
We knew what we were in for.
I was ready to take my medicine like a man.
Suddenly, Private Clarke flung himself down and grovelled and begged for mercy.
I couldn't stand it.
I had to look away.
Those dervishes didn't know the meaning of mercy.
They pegged Clarke out in the sand and left him there to die.
They dragged me behind them for miles.
What fate was in store for me, I had no means of knowing.
After hours of this torture, we stopped and they started to cook a meal.
Suddenly, one of them said something, the other pulled out a dagger and they were at each other's throats.
They fought like demons.
I realised this was my chance.
They weren't taking any notice of me, so I worked my way over to the fire.
I burnt through the ropes.
Suddenly, one of the dervishes broke away and made off.
He'd had enough.
The other dervish shouted something after him.
Then I remembered that dervishes can't stand fire.
They can't stand it.
I quickly seized a burning brand and thrust it in front of his face.
The effect was amazing.
He turned from a proud warrior into a gibbering idiotI His nostrils distended with fear and he shouted, ''Hum kaya ka-ka kowI ''Hum kaya ka-ka ka-ka kaI'' which translated literally means, ''Put that light outI Put that light outI'' I made him take his robes off.
I had him at my mercy.
I quickly put them on over my uniform, took the horse and I hurried back to rescue Private Clarke.
When I got back, I thought Clarke was a goner.
I took his wallet out of his tunic to send home with his personal effects.
I opened it, and inside I saw something that, in spite of the heat, made my blood run cold.
A photograph of the colonel's lady.
The colonel was a very upstanding gentleman, but his wife was not quite so upstanding.
To think that she and this Private Clarke had been I couldn't believe it.
While I was kneeling there in a daze of misery, I heard a groan.
Clarke wasn't dead after all.
I got him on a horse, and after a nightmare journey through the desert, we came across the relief column.
Private Clarke was taken back to headquarters and I never saw him again until last week.
And then, sir, I've got to tell you something - I kept that secret locked in my bosoms .
.
all those years - the secret that nobody knew except Private Clarke, the colonel's lady and meself.
Why couldn't you have told us this before? I couldn't when I thought there was still a chance that the colonel's lady and the colonel were still alive.
That's where I've been - at Somerset House, looking through the records.
I'm happy to say that the colonel and his good lady are now up in that great parade ground somewhere in the sky where the breath of scandal cannot touch them, sir.
Now at last I've got a chance to burn these letters.
I'm sorry, Jones.
Right, now I'll deal with Clarke.
- He went outside a few minutes ago.
- He's not going to get away with this.
Come on.
- You're in a hurry, aren't you? - Did you see a man leave here? - He was rushing towards the station.
- Come on! He told me to tell you he's resigned and he'll post the uniform back to you.
- He can't do that! - Desertion's a serious crime, isn't it? Are you going to shoot at him with water pistols or thrash him with a wet lettuce? Don't push me about.
Jump on your bicycle.
- Try and catch him.
- He's not worth bothering about, sir.
I didn't like him.
Never trust anybody with their eyes too close together.
''The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on.
'' What's that got to do with it? I don't know, sir.
(WALKER) You can burn that photo and those letters now.
Here we go, mate.
Have you gone raving mad? An enemy plane will see that from miles away! Ah, shut up.
Put that light out! Put that light out! Put it out! Put that light out!