Daria s04e08 Episode Script

You want some milk, kiddo? No, thanks.
Read the warning label; contains tryptophane, highly relaxing, do not combine with high school.
I don't see that.
Does milk really relax you? It's not quite as effective when diluted with three cups of coffee.
Good morning! Mom? Who'd like a nice, hot breakfast, a la Helen? Hot breakfast? Honey, you're not going through "the change," are you? My seven AM meeting got cancelled, so I thought we could enjoy some extra family time.
Daria, can I make you breakfast? Sure, push the lever.
Daria! Sugar tarts? Hey, it's not my fault frozen burritos won't fit.
Jake, Quinn, can I get you anything? Actually, I saw these really cute zipper boots at Cashman's.
I meant, for breakfast.
I could wear them during breakfast.
Eric? What? When? How? Of course not, not a problem.
You know, now that you mention it honey, I could sure use one of your egg-white omelets.
Yum! Jake, can't you ever think of anyone but yourself? I've got a huge emergency at the office.
My seven o'clock's back on and I'm late! What'd I do? I'll have to make my own breakfast Now, I'm too tired to eat.
Absolutely.
Consider it done.
I'll stay here all night if I have to.
We're just happy to be in business with you.
Bye-bye.
What is it? That Mr.
O'Neill is on the line about the parent/teacher meeting.
I need know which excuse to give.
Hmm.
Tell him I have to do my pro bono work with the free clinic.
We haven't used that one in a while.
What? You think I'm a rotten mother? I would never say that, Helen.
But, you'd think it.
Um What? Do you agree with me or don't you? May I go to the bathroom? Of course you can! What kind of slave ship do you think we're running here? Strange woman.
Oh, Eric.
Did I tell you what a privilege it was to watch you in that meeting this morning? The way you just reeled off he tax code was riveting.
What can I say? You build a top law firm; you're bound to pick up a few tricks along the way.
Well, anything I can do to keep the firm number one, just let me know.
I'm not afraid of a little hard work or a lot.
I know you're not.
That's what brings me in here today.
The retreat? It's your turn, Helen.
The big dogs think you're ready.
I don't know what to say.
The whole family? We want to get a look at Helen Morgendorffer wearing all three hats; wife, mother, lawyer.
And, what we see may just might lead to hat number four, partner.
I hate the way I look in hats.
A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad.
Don't get excited.
This says it's a spa for the soul.
Didn't you sell yours a while back? Where's the milk? Relax, Jake.
The firm's paying.
We exercise your inside instead of your outside.
Good, my pancreas could really use a workout.
Eww! What good is exercising if you can't even see the results? Quinn, this is about family togetherness.
We get to have fun while I get to show I'm partner material.
I see; we're being graded on our family life.
Gee, look at the time.
1984 all ready.
Oh, Daria, don't be silly.
Now, we have to fill out these questionnaires so I can fax them over.
Isn't it nice they want to get to know us before we arrive? Sure, so they'll know who to make into a drone and who just to kill outright.
Jake, I could use some help here.
Ahh.
What? Which animal would you rather be; a dog, a seal or a lion? How about a bat? Bat's not an option.
Write it in.
Now explain your choice in a brief sentence.
I've always wanted to sleep upside-down and spread rabies.
Sounds more like it should go under "Career Goals," but all right.
Okay world, meet Jane-Cam.
All Jane, all the time.
Well, except naked time.
You don't even like having your picture taken, and now you're going to have strangers all over the country observing your every move? All over the world.
It's a public service.
If my mundane little life can somehow provide comfort to lonely web-trollers, then I'll know my time here on Earth wasn't wasted.
A noble cause.
It suits you well.
And it requires practically no effort.
That's what I meant.
Beautiful.
Now, remember to keep this our little secret.
I don't want the camera to influence my guest's behavior.
Daria? Jake! We're going to be late, please step it.
What's the hurry? We've got plenty of time.
Sit back and smell the roses.
Which happen to have an aroma very similar to gas fumes.
Sit back? Have you lost your mind? Beautiful, beautiful tryptophane.
We'll score that, a yes.
Give me that! Da-ad! Helen! What's the problem? Get out! I'm driving! Thinking a little milk is going to calm you down? That's the problem! Of all the ridiculous ideas.
Give me that! Now remember, no sudden movements.
Uh-oh.
Four flew into the cuckoo's nest.
Hello, I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
This is my husband Jake and my daughters Quinn and Daria.
Oh, so you're Daria.
You've heard of me? Daria, we have a very nice room for you.
Do you like eggshell white? Do you have anything in Jim Mack Gray? Excuse me, what's going on here? We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire, and well, we're a little concerned.
We think it might be best if we put her under what we call, "Intensive Observation.
" It's about time.
Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with Daria.
Yeah, she's always like this.
Quinn! Our daughter has an eccentric sense of humor, but she's perfectly fine.
Don't listen to her, she's one of the Gamma People.
Doctors, I think we got our hopes up.
Better leave this one alone.
Can't we at least sedate her? Sorry.
This is gonna be fun.
A little wider; we can't see all your fillings.
Nice save.
Hello, Daria.
I'm your one-on-one counselor.
Are you playing a game? No, just talking to the computer.
Do you always talk to your computer? Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.
Ah.
You know, Daria, we often use humor as a barrier to prevent others from trying to get too close.
It doesn't seem to be working on you, however.
What are you trying to hide? Nothing.
I love my mother very much and feel that she'd make an excellent law partner.
Oh, dear.
I think I hear my ride.
Daria, why don't we have a nice talk? All right, Helen.
I thought me might start off with a little word association.
Red.
Blue.
Pen.
Pencil.
Mag Subscription.
Mag net.
Oh! Thought you were going to say magazine.
Hmm.
Magnet.
Um, metal.
No, wait! I can do better.
Relax Relax? How can I relax when somebody says "relax" like that? No.
Relaxation.
It's one of the words.
Oh, um, waste of freaking time.
Wait! Can I do that one over? Isn't someone gonna talk here? All right.
How do you feel about being here? Hey, it's not my nickel.
Would that be a problem? Well, considering this is a work thing for my wife.
And, how does that make you feel? How does what make me feel? Being here, for your wife.
Fine.
Really? A-Okay.
How long I'm fine with it! All right.
Moving on.
Are you feeling a little stressed? Stressed? Why do people keep telling me I'm stressed? If I weren't stressed, I'd get stressed by everyone telling me I'm stressed! Any milk around here? I need some milk.
Uh-huh.
How long have you had this chemical dependency? And sometimes conditioners are really more like cream rinses and cream rinses are more like conditioners, but you never know until after you try them, and by then, it's too late.
Of course, that just adds to all the pressure I'm all ready under.
I mean, you wouldn't believe all the decisions I have to make.
I wake up feeling like it's a flat shoe day, but after I brush my teeth, it starts to feel more like a sandal day, and you just can't go on what you're gonna be wearing on your feet Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually wanting to work so hard.
Dad's guilty about being less driven than Mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way.
So, he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness.
Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, because she's afraid to looking inside and finding absolutely nothing.
And I'm so defensive that I actually work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do.
Can I go now? Tell me, Daria.
Have you ever been hypnotized? And then Sandi went out and got the same shoes I had first, the cute little t-straps with the glitter buckle.
And then, Stacy's like, "Sandi, I love your sandals.
" Like, Sandi has such great taste or something, when all she did was copy me.
I mean, everyone knows I wrote the book on strappy sandals at Lawndale, not an actual book of course, that would make me some kind of an egghead freak.
Who do I talk to around here to schedule a facial? Excuse me.
I think I hear an accent.
White shoes eww.
You are safe and warm in your secure cocoon.
Just think of your favorite place.
Anywhere but here.
Ah-ha.
Excuse me, but we're working.
Why do you get the French guy? You're absolutely right.
You take him.
I'm going to my cocoon now.
Wait, Daria.
Who are you? I'm Quinn.
Daria's trainer.
Now, that's healthy.
I was just trying to hypnotize Daria in order to transcend her resistance.
Oh, can I watch? You are safe and calm, feeling a warm, gentle breeze.
Every bone in your body is relaxing.
Easy easy.
At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you're feeling with no resistance.
Oh Caesar, please don't poison me.
I could love you, but those togas make your butt look so big.
Oh, God.
And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so BC.
Looks like she's experiencing a past-life regression.
You've got the regression part right.
Help, someone help me! Some king wants kill me for loving some soldier or something before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eye liner.
Oh Caesar, ya big idiot! Do something! Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all board Noah's Ark for a Caribbean cruise.
Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems.
But I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted considering.
You'd think someone would've invented eye liner before me.
But no, I, Cleopatra, have to come up with all my beauty products on my own.
Oh, what a hard life.
At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this.
Well, I guess this beats the dental floss.
Don't pick your nose.
Don't pick your nose.
Where's Jean-Michel? I think he's in his office, showing ink blots to Marc Anthony.
Why does he have so many patients? Helen, Jake, let's take this time to explore some of your life-partner issues.
Issues! I don't want to talk about issues this morning! Now calm down, Jake! We have nothing to hide.
I'm sure our issues aren't any more serious than other highly successful working couple.
That's what I mean! Right, our issues aren't any more serious.
Why don't we find out? Jake, how are you feeling right now? Actually, I'm Because, our commitment to each other is so strong.
She's always interrupting me like my opinions don't count! But, you didn't say anything! Helen, please let him finish.
Yeah! Sorry.
Okay.
Well um that's all I wanted to say.
Doctor, I She thinks that just because she's the big, fat lawyer, she can run right over me! What Jake means is Helen, we're talking about Jake now.
We'll get to your control issues soon.
Control issues! Damn straight! She tells me what to do.
how to drive, what to eat.
She won't even let me drink milk if I want to.
Innocent, pure milk.
Got milk? Not Jakey! Excellent Jake, excellent.
Oh, for the love of Helen, please.
Hey, I suddenly feel lighter.
This therapy stuff really works.
Maybe I do use food for comfort.
But at least a chocolate bar never told me I was an accident.
What did a chocolate bar say to you? Jean-Michel? I want to do more of that past-life repression.
Quinn, this is a private session.
We're discussing a very serious problem.
Oh.
A problem? Have you considered vertical stripes? They're a lot more slimming than polka-dots.
Quinn! Out, now! Okay.
Wait.
Tell me more about the vertical stripes Could a steady diet of pet food bring out the animal in you? Got a dog dish full of love! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World! Don't even think about it.
Wow, listen to him repeat the same phrase over and over again without falling asleep.
Wiggle your butt and lip-synch at the same time.
That's star-power, baby.
Oh, yeah? Oh, no.
Oh, God.
This is too painful Oh, look dear, the Kravits's are here.
Wow, what show was that? All right, Morgendorffers.
I've analyzed the data from your individual sessions and I realized what we need to do.
Finally, facials.
Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while.
Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy? Can I do the surgery? No, no, no.
I'm talking about a little role-playing.
I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon.
Scalpel.
I mean, why don't you try being each other.
Aww.
Do you have a problem with that, Helen? I think she was still being Daria.
Well, why don't you be Daria? Oh God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you? Oh, come on.
I can't be that bad, give it a try.
I just did.
All right, Daria.
Now, can you be Quinn? Okay.
Maybe the grown-ups can lead the way here.
Helen and Jake, go on.
Switcharoo.
Um, gee, I don't know if I can do this.
Well, I'll give it a try.
Oh, hi Eric! No, just walked in.
I thought I'd make dinner for what? You have a hangnail? I'll be right over! Uh-uh.
Jake.
I mean Dammit! I lost another client! I can't understand why! Dammit! Nobody likes poor old Jake.
Should I think about the reason? Oh, must be my father's fault.
Where's the newspaper, dammit! Look at the time! Gee, dear.
You'll have to tell me about your deepest fears and worries when I get back.
I've got a big meeting, so I better run! No matter, I'm not saying anything relevant anyway.
I'm lost in a fog, when I'm not flying into a rage! Oh, Jakey.
Let me bring home the pizza.
I have to be the one doing everything so everyone will thank me and tell me what a big superwoman I am.
I'm very, very important and very, very stressed and I don't have time to actually do anything for anyone else, but I can pretend I care, can't I? Everybody hates me.
Are you being Daria now? Stay with it everyone, this is good stuff.
I've given everything I've got, but it's just not enough.
Well, I've got nothing left to give.
Helen! Helen, wait! That worked well.
Quinn, what do you think about what just happened? I think this spa would get a lot more business if you just offered facials.
Oh.
Um, Mom, what are you doing? Oh, I thought I'd just wait in the car until we leave.
Tomorrow morning? Well, at least I wouldn't be abandoning or ignoring anyone.
Or, ruining their lives.
Oh, come on, Mom.
Look what I've done to my family! Your father feels completely neglected and resentful.
I've shut you out so many times, you don't even try to talk to me, and Quinn well, I can't even think about what happened there, not right now.
Oh my God, Daria! You didn't hear that! Didn't hear a thing.
Daria.
Look, Mom.
Dad has to feel neglected; it's how he stays the center of attention.
And the reason I don't talk to you is that I know you'll hang on my every word, and frankly, who needs that kind of responsibility? And as for Quinn, well, I can't even think about what happened there.
Oh, my.
So you get carried away with the job.
Big deal.
You're just as committed to the family.
I try to be.
You're very grounded, it's why you're half-crazy.
You really don't hate me for working so hard? I came to this stupid place and pretended to be well-adjusted, didn't I? Hmm.
Well, anyway.
I came to this stupid place.
Helen! Helen! Thank God I found you! Look, Helen, about that superwoman stuff, that wasn't me, that was the milk talking.
No, Jake.
We both said some things in the heat of the moment.
Right? Right.
Um, what'd you say again? Never mind.
First thing in the morning, we're leaving, and I'll drive.
I don't like what that milk's done to your acceleration.
Not to mention what it's probably doing to your cholesterol.
Cholesterol? Milk has cholesterol? What's everyone doing out here? Sharing a warm, family moment.
All right, all right.
I can take a hint.
Look Eric.
About that retreat.
Too late, I've already read the results.
"Helen Morgendorffer suffers from overarching competitive aggression, unhealthy self-involvement, a gross insensitivity to others needs, and an overriding conviction that she is always right.
" I think what the counselors are trying to say is Never mind.
What I'm trying to say is: congratulations! You're being put on the partnership fast-track.
I am? Of course! This willingness of yours to put career ahead of family and home is just the stick-to-itiveness we look for in a partner.
Come on! I heard their lead attorney took paternity leave last year.
Hah! The way I see it, the failure of Jane-Cam speaks to the inability of the most sophisticated technology to supplant the most basic human emotions.
In other words, the inability of Tom to appreciate the violation of his privacy? You saw that? Not just me, the world.
Not quite the world.
Jane-Cam only got eight hits the whole time and you were three of them.
It's a small world after all.
Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey.
You and Tom have made up, no doubt.
We did, until he read the fan mail.
You got fan mail? Well, Tom did.
From some inmates.
He wasn't pleased.
Figures, he makes one lousy video, and then forgets the people who made him number one.
That's disgusting! Chocolate cake for breakfast? It's too early for lunch.
Dad! Aren't you gonna say anything? What the hell is sodium hexametaphosphate? Morning! Gotta go.
Big meeting of the future partners.
Thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite.
The pancakes sure were scrumptious, though.
Hey! How come I didn't get any pancakes?