Doug (1991) s04e08 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
BLUFFINGTON-- NOBODY SUSPECTED
THIS SLEEPY LITTLE TOWN
CONTAINED
AN INCREDIBLE SECRET
( birds chirping )
UNTIL A CRACK TEAM OF FEARLESS
ADVENTURERS UNCOVERED ONE
BURIED LONG AGO, AND FORGOTTEN.
( thunk )
DR. SKEETRIX,
PROFESSOR PORKCHOP!
HURRY! I'VE FOUND SOMETHING!
( rumbling )
( screams )
HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
( screaming )
( roars )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
I DIDN'T SET OUT TO CHANGE
THE HISTORY OF BLUFFINGTON.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
IT STARTED WHEN MR. OGEE
SHOWED US AN OLD MOVIE.
LIGHTS, PLEASE.
Man:
Billy Bluff presents
"The Birth of Bluffington."
OH! MY DADDY
MADE THIS!
( class groans )
Hello, I'm your narrator,
Billy Bluff.
The Bluffington landscape
has changed
over the last
ten million years--
pre-cambrian period,
paleozoic, blah, blah--
but we Bluffs weren't around,
so who cares?
The true history of Bluffington
began in 1639
when the first man in history
placed his foot upon Pigeon Rock
in the Pulay mountains--
the great Thaddeus Bluff.
I claim this land
in the name of the Bluff family.
Narrator:
Thaddeus led settlers
searching for a new land
where they would be free
to practice the piano
in their own manner.
Whee!
Ooh!
( melodious playing )
( cacophony )
Narrator:
Thaddeus considered himself
very lucky
( object whistling
through the air )
So his grandson Amos Bluff
founded the first industry:
Bluff's Good Luck Charm
factory.
( explosion )
( object whistling
through the air )
Amos's grandson Rudolph Bluff
established the township
elsewhere
cementing the Bluff family's
well-deserved power
by christening
the municipality "Bluffingtown."
Rudolph built town hall
and Bull's Eye Park
dedicated to his ancestor,
the great Thaddeus Bluff.
We Bluffs always were
and still are
the first family of Bluffing
( class laughs )
LIGHTS.
( snickering )
MY DADDY'S MOVIE!
OKAY, CLASS, FOR BLUFFINGTON
FOUNDER'S WEEK
I WANT YOU TO FORM TEAMS
AND DO A RESEARCH PROJEC
CONCERNING SOME PAR
OF OUR TOWN'S HISTORY.
( groaning )
WHAT SHOULD WE DO
OUR PROJECT ON?
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
EVERYBODY ELSE WEN
TO THE LIBRARY.
SKEETER AND I DECIDED
TO EXPLORE THE DEEP WOODS
AND TRY TO FIND SOME ARTIFAC
FROM ANCIENT BLUFFINGTOWN.
MAYBE THIS IS A PIECE
OF A BOULDER
BROKEN BY SETTLERS
DURING PIANO PRACTICE.
HEY, DOUG, CHECK IT OUT!
I THINK IT'S
AN OLD PIANO KEY!
OH, MAN
IT'S A PEANUTTY
BUDDY STICK.
( barking )
WHAT, PORKCHOP?
OKAY, BOY,
OKAY-- WHAT?
OH, GREAT.
IT'S A BONE.
OF COURSE.
DOGS ARE LIKE
BONE MAGNETS.
SKEET, WAIT,
THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE HERE.
SOMETHING BIG.
WHAT IS IT, MAN?
I NEED SOMETHING BETTER
TO DIG WITH.
HERE, DOUG, TRY THIS.
"PRIVATE PROPERTY,
NO TRESPASSING"?
WHERE DID THIS
COME FROM?
UM, FAR AWAY?
Man:
ALL RIGH
NOBODY MOVE--
THAT'S PRIVATE DIRT.
WE DIDN'T KNOW.
WE THOUGH
IT WAS PUBLIC DIRT.
UH ( laughs nervously )
YOU CAN'T JUST DIG UP
THE BLUFF ESTATE.
THE BLUFF ESTATE?
WAY OUT HERE?
THAT'S RIGHT--
YOU ARE HERE AND I AM HERE.
IN FIVE SECONDS
I WANT YOU OVER THERE!
THIS IS THE BEST BOOK ON BONES--
OR AT LEAST THE MOST EXPENSIVE.
WHOA, THANKS,
MR. DINK.
LET'S SEE
IT AGAIN.
OKAY.
HUH?
HMM, VERY NICE.
I'D SAY EARLY
POT ROAST, MEDIUM RARE.
YEAH, THANKS, MR. DINK.
WAIT A MINUTE,
LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A DINOSAUR BONE.
WELL, MAYBE, SORT OF, I GUESS.
IT'S NO
EXACTLY THE SAME
BUT MAYBE
WE'VE DISCOVERED
A WHOLE NEW SPECIES.
JUST THINK, DR. SKEETRIX
THE FUNNIE VALENTINOSAURUS
IS FINALLY COMPLETE.
Skeetrix:
AND IT ALL STARTED
WITH THIS ONE LITTLE BONE.
THAT BIG THING
THAT WAS BURIED
MUST BE
THE REST
LET'S DIG IT UP!
POT ROAST!
IT MAY BE
THE BIGGES
DISCOVERY
IN MODERN
SCIENCE.
WE'LL JUS
DIG A HOLE.
WELL, I'M IMPRESSED
THAT YOU FINE YOUNG MEN
CAME ALL THE WAY OVER HERE
TO GET MY PERMISSION.
THEN WE CAN DIG?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
( siren )
OH, MAN, ONE
LOUSY GOLF CAR
STANDS BETWEEN
US AND HISTORY.
IF THERE WAS A WAY
TO GET OVER THERE
NOT OVER THERE, UNDER THERE.
ARE WE ALMOST THERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
ACCORDING TO THIS MAP
WE SHOULD BE
THERE ALREADY.
UNLESS
UH-OH-- DOUG, STOP!
STOP!
LOOK OUT!
YOU BOYS JUST DUG YOURSELF
INTO A WHOLE MESS OF TROUBLE.
NAH, TUNNELING IS OUT.
BUT MAYBE
THERE'S A BETTER WAY.
( humming )
COME ON, BEEBE.
IF ANYBODY
IN THE WORLD
CAN HELP US,
IT'S YOU.
YOU BETTER FORGE
MY DADDY'S DIR
AND FIND
SOMETHING ELSE
FOR YOUR
HISTORY PROJECT.
BUT BEEBE
IF IT IS
A DINOSAUR
AND, UH,
YOU HELP US
THEY'LL PROBABLY
NAME IT AFTER YOU!
JUST THINK,
BEEBE
THE BEEBEDACTYL.
THE BEEBESAURUS.
NO!
BEEBE THE DINOSAUR.
OH, GREAT.
LOVE IT.
LOVE IT.
BEEBE THE
DINOSAUR.
IT'S AROUND
HERE SOMEWHERE.
I CAN'
BELIEVE
YOU CAN'
FIND THE SPOT.
( insects buzzing )
THERE'S TOO MANY BUGS.
Both:
IT WAS RIGHT HERE.
Officer:
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.
THIS TIME YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
FITZPRISON.
MISS BEEBE!
GET ME SOME
BUG SPRAY.
YES, MISS BEEBE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR?
WHERE'S MY
DINOSAUR?!
UH WELL
YOU PROBABLY FOUND
A POT ROAST BONE!
WHY DID I LET YOU
TALK ME INTO THIS?
( sighing )
( screams )
HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
( screaming )
POT ROAST!
YOU TRICKED ME!
YOU BROUGHT ME
OUT HERE FOR NOTHING!
AND LOOK!
I GOT A MOSQUITO BITE!
OH, GOD!
THERE!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
WE WERE JUST
DON'T YOU ANSWER ME.
THEY SAID THEY
FOUND A DINOSAUR
AND THEY'D ONLY
DIG ONE HOLE.
CAN'T YOU READ?
READ WHAT?
THE SIGN!
WHAT SIGN?
THIS SIGN.
"PRIVATE PROPERTY,
NO DIGGING
NOT EVEN ONE HOLE"?
HUH?
( thunk, thunk )
( commotion )
I TOLD YOU BOYS
THERE WAS NO DINOSAUR.
WHAT?
THIS IS FAR MORE IMPORTAN
THAN ANY DINOSAUR.
THIS CHANGES HISTORY!
THADDEUS BLUFF WAS NO
THE FIRST MAN HERE.
I'VE DISCOVERED
THE PREHISTORIC
FOUNDER OF BLUFFINGTON.
HE DISCOVERED?
Billy Bluff:
WELCOME TO THE BLUFF MUSEUM
FOR THE HISTORY
OF THE BLUFF FAMILY.
AND SO I GIVE YOU MY EARLIES
ANCESTOR, BLUFFUS ERECTUS.
AT LEAST MR. OGEE GAVE US
CREDIT FOR OUR DISCOVERY.
YOU DESERVE AN "A"
FOR UNCOVERING THE FIRS
INHABITANT OF BLUFFINGTON.
THIS STANDS AS FINAL PROOF
THAT THE BLUFFS HAVE ALWAYS
AND WILL ALWAYS BE
THE FIRST FAMILY OF BLUFFINGTON.
EXCUSE ME,
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
SAY, YOU LOOK
FAMILIAR TO ME.
DO I KNOW YOU?
IT SEEMS LIKE I DO.
MAYBE THE
BLUFFS WEREN'
THE FIRST FAMILY
IN BLUFFINGTON AFTER ALL.
THAT WOULD MEAN THIS TOWN
WAS FOUNDED BY
MY WATCH HAS STOPPED.
DO YOU POSSIBLY
HAVE THE TIME?
Both:
NAH
Dink:
DON'T I KNOW YOU
FROM SOMEWHERE?
( Skeeter making scary sounds )
HERE COMES THE GIANT SPIDER!
TAKE THAT!
( howling, grunting
and screeching )
HELP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL--
SOME DAYS YOU THINK
YOU KNOW A PERSON
BUT OTHER DAYS
WOW, MAN, A LETTER
FROM MRS. WINGO-- COOL!
I THINK THESE
ARE THE SCORES
OF THAT INTELLIGENCE
TEST WE TOOK.
THAT THING
WAS A TEST?
GOOD THING I DIDN'T KNOW.
I ALWAYS CHOKE ON TESTS.
THEY GIVE ME THE OOGLIES.
WOW, 565.
OH, MAN.
IF YOU GO
A BAD SCORE
IT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU'RE DUMB
OR ANYTHING.
NO, THEY SPELLED
MY NAME WRONG.
"MOSQUITO VALENTINO."
YOU'D THINK
THEY'D KNOW
HOW TO SPELL
"VALENTINE."
( gasps )
1,000!
SKEET, YOU GO
A PERFECT SCORE!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
WOW, A PERFECT SCORE.
GUESS THA
MAKES ME A GENIUS.
SKEETER A GENIUS?
IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
"VALENTINO."
I GET IT.
IT'S A MIX-UP.
I THINK YOU GO
SOMEBODY ELSE'S
Mr. Bone:
May I have your attention?
Mosquito Valentine,
please report to my office.
I WONDER
WHAT I DID.
HE PROBABLY WANTS
TO GIVE YOUR
REAL TEST BACK.
HUH? REAL?
On the double, Valentine.
COMING!
POOR SKEET-- I FIGURED
HE'D NEED CHEERING UP
AFTER HE FOUND OU
HE WASN'T A GENIUS.
SO AFTER SCHOOL I WAITED
FOR HIM AT MR. BONE'S OFFICE.
HE'S A GENIUS
AND WE WANT HIM.
WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO
LEAVE THAT UP
TO HIM, MR. STEELE.
AND I WARN YOU
WE WON'T TAKE NO
FOR AN ANSWER.
( beeping )
MAGNIFICEN
MEDULLA.
INCREDIBLE
CRANIUM.
LET'S SEE HOW HE DOES
WITH THE INK BLOT TEST.
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
HMM, TWO SCORPIONS IN TUTUS.
WE'LL JUS
PLOT HIS CORTEX.
Doug:
HEY, SKEETER.
HUH?
HEY, YOU JUST WAI
OUTSIDE, BUSTER.
YOUR BRAINY
BUDDY'S BUSY.
BRAINY BUDDY?
SOMETHING WAS VERY, VERY WRONG.
Skeeter:
IT WAS COOL, DOUG.
THEY TRIED TO
MEASURE MY I.Q.
BUT IT WAS
OFF THE SCALE.
AND THEY TOOK PICTURES
OF MY BRAIN
DIDN'T YOU TELL
THEM ABOUT THE TEST?
TELL THEM WHAT?
ABOUT HOW I
WASN'T YOURS.
REMEMBER, THE NAME,
"VALENTINO"?
SOMEBODY JUS
GOOFED UP
WHEN THEY
WERE TYPING.
SKEETER,
FACE IT.
YOU KNOW
YOU'RE NOT.
NOT WHAT?
YOU KNOW-- BRAINY.
YOU MEAN
I'M DUMB.
IS THAT WHA
YOU'RE SAYING?
NO, NOT DUMB.
I'M SAYING GUYS WHO
GET SCORES LIKE THA
THEY'RE GENIUSES, WITH THICK
GLASSES, PLASTIC PENCIL HOLDERS.
THEY READ BOOKS
SO WHAT DO YOU
CALL THOSE?
NOT THE BUCKTOOTH
BOYS-- REAL BOOKS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THE BUCKTOOTH BOYS?
NOTHING, THEY'RE JUST
A CRITIQUE OF PURE REASON--
WHAT'S THIS?
JUST SOME BOOK.
IT'S PRETTY COOL.
"THE POSSIBILITY OF APOD
APODI"
APODICTIC.
"APODICTIC PRINCIPLES?"
WHAT'S THAT?
HE'S USING THE WORD ODDLY
TO PROVE AN A PRIORI BODY OF
SYNTHETIC KNOWLEDGE IS EXHIBITED
IN THE GENERAL
DOCTRINE OF MOTION.
( Skeeter's voice
swirling and fading )
IT YOU
BUT OF COURSE,
HE TAKES IT AS A GIVEN
THAT UNIVERSALITY
AND NECESSITY
CAN'T BE REACHED BY
EMPIRICAL PROCESSES
( voice swirling and fading )
TO UNIVERSALITY OR
APODICTIC CERTAINTY.
GET IT, DOUG?
DOUG? DOUG?
ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
UH YEAH.
I THINK
I BETTER GO.
OKAY, SEE YOU.
MAN
SKEETER, A REAL LIVE GENIUS?
HOW COULD THA
POSSIBLY BE POSSIBLE?
WE ARE SO HAPPY
YOU'LL LET US TRY
OUR EXPERIMEN
ON YOUR BABY.
JUST PUT THIS HELME
ON EVERY NIGH
WHILE HE'S ASLEEP.
WHAT'S THIS GIZMO?
Skeeter:
CONCERNING RELATIONS
OF TIME-- HA, HA--
GROUNDED UPON A PRIORI--
COOL, MAN--
NECESSITY-- ( gurgles )
MMM, MMM, HA, HA.
OOPSIE.
( growls )
I SPENT THE NIGHT
LOOKING UP THE WORDS
IN SKEETER'S BOOK.
"APODICTIC: EXPRESSING
OR OF THE NATURE
OF NECESSARY TRUTH
OR ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY."
HUH?
SKEETER COULDN'T BE
THAT MUCH SMARTER THAN ME.
IF HE COULD READ THIS
GOBBLEDYGOOK, SO COULD I.
AND THE NEXT DAY
I WAS GOING TO PROVE IT TO HIM.
"THE INFINITUDE OF TIME
SIGNIFIES NOTHING MORE
THAN THAT EVERY DETERMINATE
MAGNITUDE OF TIME"
BUT HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
HEY, DOUG.
WHERE'S SKEETER?
I DON'T KNOW.
DIDN'
YOU HEAR?
SKEETER'S
IN COLLEGE.
Both:
WHAT?
THAT'S WHAT SKUNKY
BEAUMONT SAID.
I HEAR HE'S GOING
TO TEACH A CLASS.
THAT'S STUPID--
HE'S A KID.
HOW CAN HE GO
TO COLLEGE?
HEY, GUYS.
( kids greeting Skeeter )
SEE? THEY SAID YOU WERE
GOING TO COLLEGE, BUT
I AM.
WHAT?
I MEAN, THE COLLEGE
RECRUITER
WANTS ME TO.
I JUST WEN
TO CHECK IT OUT.
( kids exclaiming )
COOL-- EVERYBODY'S
REAL SMART THERE.
JOCKO, THE GUY
WHO SHOWED ME AROUND
PROGRAMS HIS OWN VIDEO GAMES.
Kids:
WOW!
SO THIS SCHOOL
ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU.
NO, I DIDN'
SAY THAT, MAN
MAYBE WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
HUH?
MAYBE WE'RE
TOO DUMB.
HEY, WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM?
NO, WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM?
I WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
OOH, GOOD COMEBACK.
YOU'RE WAY TOO SMART FOR ME.
( laughing )
COME ON,
TAKE A SWING.
LET'S SEE
SOME BLOOD.
( kids oohing )
JUST TAKE YOUR
STUPID BOOK
AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
( kids gasp )
YEAH, RIGHT, SURE, FINE.
TAKE YOUR GREAT, BIG
SUPER-BRAIN AND GO TO COLLEGE.
SEE IF I CARE.
IN CONCLUSION, ASKING HOW
TO SHAPE THE EXPRESS BEHAVIOR
WITHIN THE OPERANT PARADIGM
WE ARE LIMITED
BY THE NEURO-CORTEX.
( audience muttering )
MY EXPERIMENTS WITH THE SUBJEC
PROVE THIS WITHOUT A DOUBT.
HIS PUNY BRAIN MAKES
THE SIMPLEST TASK
VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
( hooting )
NOW, NOW, NOW,
DOUG, IT'S OKAY.
YOU DID
A VERY GOOD JOB.
HERE, HAVE A TREAT.
( applause )
IF HE'S GOING TO GO TO COLLEGE
AND FORGET ABOUT ME
THEN I'LL FORGET ABOUT HIM,
RIGHT, PORKCHOP?
RIGHT.
I'VE GOT TO GET RID
OF ALL THE STUFF
THAT REMINDS ME OF HIM.
THESE BEETS TAPES
THE SMASH ATOMS DECODER
BELT BUCKLE
THIS CLOTHES HANGER.
MOVING OUT?
NOPE, JUST GETTING
RID OF ALL THE JUNK
THAT REMINDS ME
OF MY EX-BEST FRIEND.
PERFECT.
GOOD WORK.
WHAT DID HE DO
TO YOU ANYWAY?
WELL, HE, UM HE GOT SMART.
OH.
WELL, I'LL TAKE THIS
IF YOU'RE JUST THROWING IT AWAY.
I'M NOT JEALOUS OF HIM
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
( laughs mockingly )
JEALOUS-- YEAH, RIGHT.
THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I AM-- I'M JEALOUS, AREN'T I?
MM-HMM.
SORRY, CHANGED MY MIND.
( both yell )
SKEETER!
DOUG!
I WAS GOING
TO YOUR HOUSE.
WOW, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Both:
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
I'M SORRY.
WHY ARE YOU SORRY?
I'M THE ONE WHO GO
ALL JEALOUS AND STUPID.
YEAH, I KNOW.
OH.
BUT I GUESS
I TRIED TO MAKE YOU
FEEL JEALOUS A LITTLE.
I WAS SHOWING OFF.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COLLEGE?
NO WAY, IT'S AWFUL.
NOBODY THERE LIKES THE
AIR GUITAR AND THEY ALL SMOKE.
HEY, YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE HONKER BURGER?
COOL!
( honks )
LET'S GO.
SO EVERYTHING TURNED OUT OKAY.
( Skeeter making scary sounds )
BACK, YOU BEAST.
SKEETER STAYED AT OUR SCHOOL
AND NOW WE'RE
EVEN BETTER FRIENDS.
I GUESS YOU GOT TO ACCEP
PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE
EVEN IF THEY'RE SMARTER
THAN YOU OR SOMETHING.
( making
explosions )