Duckman (1994) s04e08 Episode Script

(duck quacks) (ticking loudly) (ringing) (inhales deeply) (sighs) Blessed oxygen.
Ow! I just had a thought.
Good Lord, I'm glad that doesn't happen very often.
Now, what was it again? Ow! A question.
A question which needs answering.
Brother Brethren, I have a question.
Sorry, Ajax.
We're too busy to interface.
Using VRML-enhanced software, we've constructed a virtual reality simulation of this very environment.
Incredible.
It's as if I'm actually walking inside our room.
Yes, yes! I see our Einstein poster.
Now it's like we're standing right in front of it.
Yes, yes! Aw, yes! Well, I can always count on Dad to answer my questions.
Actually, I can never count on Dad to answer my questions, but luckily, I always forget that.
No, no, no, I'm late.
Your money's on the dresser, plus a quarter for bus fare.
And don't go dipping into my penny jar, señora.
I counted those.
There's 14, including the counterfeit ones.
Ha, ha! Hey, are you conscious? Hello, Dad.
Yaah! Ajax, what happened to that bell I told you to wear around your neck? I swallowed it.
Any good? Fruitier than the others.
I told you never to mention my high school nickname.
Listen, anything you just saw, don't worry about it or remember it or ever mention it to a living soul.
No one got hurt in there.
I mean, not emotionally.
Dad, I have a question.
Good.
Then all you need's an answer.
Unfortunately, the Slap Happy Pappy's late for work.
But, Dad, you don't work weekends.
In fact, mounting evidence suggests you don't work weekdays.
No time, big case, talk later, maybe June.
(thud) DUCKMAN: Oh! (woman screams) Ajax, were you just talking to your father? Uh, yes.
Did he ignore you or insult you or cruelly dismiss you? Uh, yes.
Well, that certainly was inappropriate of him.
Aunt Bernice, since you're avoiding insulting Dad because we agreed to be more sensitive to each other's feelings, did you really want to say that Dad is a walking advertisement for decapitation? Yes! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Did you want to ask me something? I'm afraid it's something only a man can tell me.
It's about squirrels.
Perhaps, like so much in life, I can find an answer in the good book.
Hello.
May I please speak to Maestro Griffin? Yes, it's Ajax again.
How long will the meeting be? Another three years? No problem.
I'll hold.
(brakes screeching) Okay, so where's the strontium-smoking, "my IQ's over 50," let-him-ionic-bond-with-my-butt, science geek we're supposed to meet this morning? A-hem, Duckman, this is Dr.
William Blais, the eminent neuropharmacologist.
Oh Dr.
Bluh.
Let me get right to business.
I want to hire you.
Cha-ching! Ha, ha.
What? I was only saying what we were all thinking.
Mr.
Duckman, I run a top-secret research laboratory.
My associates and I are currently conducting experiments on the transients of intelligence.
Oh, you think transients are intelligent? Living on the street, stealing sour mash bottles from your garbage, trying to stiff you when you sell them your sister-in-law's underwear? Hmm.
I believe that one of my colleagues is stealing data.
So, I want you to set up surveillance at the lab and tell me if you see anything suspicious.
Sur-vay-lance? Yeah.
Well, me and Dick Junior will buy one of those and set it up right away.
So, let's talk drachmas, Doc.
I trust you're aware we're no longer accepting magic beans in lieu of cash.
I'm sorry, but that's strict office policy.
Oh, don't worry, Duckman, you'll be well compensated because for this job, you're the best detective in the world.
(chuckling) (mad laughter) (laughing) (laughing and whooping) (all laughing uncontrollably) You know, Duckman, I have a funny feeling that Blais isn't telling us the whole truth.
Duckman? Would you shut up? Your talking distracts me from my new high-tops.
Duckman, I wouldn't be forced to use this comically antiquated equipment if you didn't always spend our fee on shiny trinkets and baubles.
And your point is? Perhaps it's time to set up the surveillance equipment.
Sur-vay-lance? (music a la Mission Impossible theme playing) (screams) Let's look around for evidence.
Ev-uh Shh! Huh.
290 Kelvin.
Is that high? You probably shouldn't touch anything.
Oh, now you tell me! My God, do you know how many years I've been? I meant anything in the lab.
Oh.
(chuckles) Uh, got any business cards? (bawling) Just to reiterate, you prob Hey, that was surprisingly easy.
Why, I'd bet a kid, thinking I was a role model and wanting to imitate my behavior, could easily steal sodas from a vending machine, too.
Do it! Do it now, kids! Stick it to the man! (evil laughter) (laughter continues) "But, of course, that would be wrong.
" Look at this-- a get-smart potion and a get-dumb potion.
Yeah-huh, sounds good.
Duckman, no.
Can you imagine what would have happened if you had drunk that? Phew! Well, you deserve a drink for that, partner.
Hmm? Oh, my God! No! What? Uh nothing.
Did you just hand me the get-dumb potion? No way.
In fact, that's the opposite of what happened.
I drank the get-smart potion? Okay, maybe not opposite.
Maybe exactly.
It's ridiculous.
Such a chemical compound is completely imposterous i-impoundable impiniculabudringulubrum Hey, there's a word I know.
Quick.
Ask me the square root of 38,000.
Ask me how the pyramids were constructed, who invented language, what's Ruth Bader Ginsberg's home phone number.
Ask me! How about Jenny McCarthy's number? Or how her pyramids were constructed? Of course, it's highly improbable that a simple elixir could reduce me to an addle-brained drooling, knuckle-headed dumdum.
(gasps) Dumdum! I haven't said dumdum since preschool.
Next I'll be saying pee-pee and caca.
(gasps) I said pee-pee and caca.
Aah! I no smart no more.
I not right in head.
I, uh, oorg gaa duu gi, gi, ga, ga! (gasping) (sighing) Well, you sound fine to me.
That's why he's worried.
You're probably wondering why I did this.
Huh? Ah, no.
I was still on Jenny McCarthy.
You wish.
You see, since giving my untested get-smart formula to a human would be morally reprehensible, I hired an irresponsible imbecile who I assumed would drink it accidentally.
So where do I come in? Luckily, a brilliant mind like Cornfed's being subjected to the get-dumb formula will serve just as well especially since he's proven it works.
Don't you see what this means, Duckman? I'll be rich beyond dreams of avarice, beyond limits of good and evil, beyond the boundaries of human imagination! (mad laughter) You know, something about that guy doesn't sit quite right with me.
(eating noisily) And then Corny drank some weird thingy, and this guy came and said some stuff, but it had lots of syllable, so we left.
Let's see, you left your best friend and partner, knowing he might have been poisoned because otherwise you might have been forced to listen to syllables?! Ajax, why is your head like that? I was on hold for Merv for eight hours before getting disconnected.
In retrospect, it might have been nice to have someone to suffer this serious nerve injury with.
MAMBO: Uncle Cornfed, are you okay? We heard you drank something strange.
How do you feel? Usually with my fingers, though sometimes toes are fun, especially with Jell-O.
Whoa.
What's that mean? It's got a "t" in it.
Maybe it's about Drinking.
Drinking.
Whoa Whoa! Cornfed, it's almost as if you and I, um Yeah, it's like we, uh Think alike? Think alike? No.
Think alike.
No.
Think alike.
(laughing) (laughing) This is horrible! Drinking some evil scientist's formula has made Cornfed stupid.
Say, this amusing development could be just what my relationship with the old Cornbone needed.
Now he'll know what it's like to be with someone of superior intellect.
Cornfed, my man, pass the linguini.
It is delicious, especially when eaten in a perambulator.
Ha, ha, ha! He's got no idea what I'm talking about.
Neither do we.
Uh-oh, maybe it's contagious.
Well, this has been funsies, but it's time for me to go home and wake up.
Hmm.
Interesting variation on the old exit-into-the-closet gag.
This is terrible! Cornfed can't function on his own! Perhaps Uncle Corny could stay with us.
Uncle Corny, come on out.
Uncle Corny! Come out! I'm going to get in.
Come on out, partner.
You're gonna stay right here with us until you're better.
Hey, just a peepshow minute here.
Where's the Cornseed going to sleep? There's extra space in the doghouse, but I'm not sure Gecko's really over his bowel trouble.
Welcome to Casa Ajax.
Whoa.
Walls and a ceiling and you have a floor.
Just got it.
Over here, I keep my Merv Griffin scrapbooks, my Merv Griffin photos, my Merv Griffin calypso records and my collection of exotic meats.
It's beautiful, like a sunset.
And over here is where I keep the bunk bed.
(bedsprings bouncing and squeaking, laughter) (laughter) (bedsprings bouncing and squeaking, laughter) Whee, this is fun.
It's cool finally having a friend, someone who thinks just like I do.
Cornfed? Do you know what you should give a pet squirrel to eat? Barbecue grills? That's what I thought.
Do you have a pet squirrel? No.
But maybe I have a friend.
(imitates engine revving noise) This one looks just like Dad's car.
(imitating car engine) Yipe, yipe, yipe.
(imitating car engine) Beep, beep.
Get out of my way, you stupid people! You think you own the sidewalk?! Rant! Rant! Rant! (laughing together) Cornectomy, time for work.
Um, Duckman, Ajax and I were talking, and, well, we wondered if maybe I could go to school with him today.
Sorry, fella, but I've planned a full day going to everyone we know and showing them how much smarter I am than you.
Thank you.
Velcro can be tricky.
On the other hand, maybe a little second grade would be good for you.
DUCKMAN: Will you kids knock it off? Don't think I won't pull over.
(horn beeps) Get out of my way, you stupid people! You think you own the sidewalk?! Rant! Rant! Rant! Gravity isn't just a law, it's also a good idea.
Everyone sells reversible screwdrivers, but nobody sells reversible screws.
I only mind the voices in my head when they don't speak English.
I went to an arcade and won a free game, so I took a pinball machine.
The Indianapolis Speedway doesn't have any crosswalks.
You always just have to run across.
(sighs) (birds chirping) I bet it feels just like this when you're rich.
(laughing) (Ajax and Cornfed grunting and laughing) All right, you just earned yourselves a time-out.
Ajax, go stand in that corner.
Cornfed, over there.
Charles and Mambo, go to your room! What did we do? Nothing.
God! The power is so invigorating! (horns honking) Uh lucky guess.
I still prefer Velcro, the fabric of a thousand uses.
Observe.
Yeah, Velcro's, uh, bitchin'.
Do you know where I put my other sneakers? Um, no.
Would you like to wear mine? Sure.
Um they're attached.
That's okay.
I'll go barefoot.
We're so alike.
Under these sneakers, I'm barefoot.
Class, who can finish this phrase? "To be or?" Ajax.
Um "from Venus"? (students laughing) Close.
Cornfed? "To be or not to be.
" Excellent, Cornfed.
Who else? "that is the question.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind "to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune "or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.
" (horns honking) Where the hell's Cornfed and the other kid? Ajax and Cornfed went to the playground.
DUCKMAN: Cornfed! And the other kid.
Wow, everyone! Guess what Cornfed got on his book report today.
Bird droppings? And an "A.
" Not bad, Corntoad.
As a reward, I am raising your weekly allowance by 25 cents.
'Course, since I'm no longer paying your salary at work, it's pretty much a wash.
Maybe the formula is wearing off.
According to a recent study in the American Journal of Evil Scientists, the effect of get-dumb formulas is often transitory.
Ajax, you're so quiet.
He's upset 'cause he never got a call back from Marv Albert.
It's Merv Griffin.
Doesn't anybody listen? (crying) (belching loudly) Sorry, did I miss something? Ajax? I'm going to lose you, aren't I, Mr.
Shoelace- Tying-Able-To guy? Yes.
The one friend I ever had.
I'll still be your friend.
But it won't be the same.
No.
I wish I had a squirrel.
Ajax, is there something you've always wanted to do with a friend? Something special? Yes.
Can you guess what it is? Yes.
(fanfare playing) (growling) (growling) Mr.
Griffin, there are two people outside to see you.
I think it's one of those make-a-wish things.
One guy told me the other one "doesn't have long.
" GRIFFIN (over intercom): How unfair is this world that some must perish while others prosper.
Of course, send them in right away.
Ah! Ooh! Eee It's so sad.
He's going fast.
He's in shock.
It's been his dream to meet you.
I must say, I'm surprised.
Oh, that tacky stuff outside is just for the tourists.
I love beautiful old furniture.
Or just old.
It's okay.
Still usable.
Can you speak, son? Are you all right? Uh yesterday I got up on the wrong side of the bed.
The inside.
You're the kid who calls me every day.
Ajax, right? Ooh! I'm going to miss not talking to you.
I only pray that you die quickly.
I mean that in the good way, of course.
But, Lord Griffin, it's not me.
It's my friend whose time is up.
Everyone likes the smell of syrup, but no one wears it as a cologne.
This is so-o-o touching.
It's a magical, magical moment.
So, uh you're not dying? I'm going to keep getting those hourly phone calls? Well, you know, just to make sure there's always a working line between us.
Gotcha.
Gosh, I'm sorry but our time is up.
It's been super meeting you, and you and if you ever are dying, this can count as our special time, okay? Okay, Your Mervship.
Ajax, what's wrong? What you said back there about the cologne did you mean it? You're smart again, aren't you? What does being smart really mean? If I knew that, I would be.
I can tell you.
It doesn't mean anything.
What's important is being sweet and kind and loving.
What you are, Ajax.
What anyone would be proud of in a friend.
And I hope you know I'll always be your friend.
By the way, remember you were asking about what a pet squirrel would eat? Well, why don't we find out? It's a squirrel! Oh, thank you, Uncle Corny.
I think I'll call it A Squirrel.
Here you go, A Squirrel-- a yummy barbecue grill.
Isn't that cute? It's breaking its teeth.
DUCKMAN: Oh, my God! No!