Eastbound & Down s04e08 Episode Script

I defeated Guy Young.
He's a racist.
It's far from ***.
I'll spend every penny I have to win this divorce, you hear me? This Christmas show is gonna be spectacular! Woo-hoo! Thank you, Santa Claus! *** is missing.
*** This is stupid! Look who it is! - May I help you, sir? - Lonely are the insomniacs.
- Mm.
- Mm.
I've been tossing and turning in my sleep and this blanket is very, very itchy.
Could you please take it away? If that's not too much trouble.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- Oh! - Oh.
A stow away.
He's a big boy, I probably should have bought him another seat.
- Maybe I should call the pilot.
- Well, I don't think he wants to meet him.
Hm? You know, I've noticed that you haven't asked me to put him back in his crib.
- What are you doing? - I'm writing down my number.
Don't bother.
I am not going to call you.
No, no, no.
This is my bank balance.
And now you've seen my two biggest assets.
If you don't mind, I'd like you to go to the bathroom and get yourself prepared.
If that's fine with you.
Thank you again for being so helpful.
You can open your eyes now.
You saw that, right? That's how you do it.
I'll be four and a half minutes.
Order in the court.
I object to this divorce.
Lawyers, you've done a magnificent job of helping me butt-fuck my wife in this settlement.
But your services are no longer needed.
Effective immediately, you're all fired.
- What did you call us in here for? - Overruled! Get the fuck out of here, goddamn it.
Now! Get those motherfucking attachés out of here.
There's a special place in hell for guys like you.
April, I lost my way.
I spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering where I went wrong.
But a great change has occurred.
- I love my family now.
- Now is not the time to have this discussion, Kenny.
- It's too late.
- It's only too late if we sign those documents.
- Don't engage, April.
- You shut your mouth, you white honkey! C'est, c'est mon.
April, I've grown a lot as a man since the holidays.
Now all I ask of you is to think about this decision.
Search your feelings.
If a week from now your heart tells you this is the right move then I'll gladly sign those papers.
We can wait a week.
Right? You made a wise decision here today.
Let the thinking and contemplating begin now.
Everyone Crew people.
Laborers.
Migrant workers.
Please, gather 'round.
Everyone.
I know a lot of you guys are very upset with me for my behavior on the Christmas Special.
I want to prove to you guys that I am willing to turn over a new leaf.
I'm gonna make a sacrifice right now.
Billy, Trent.
Please step-eth forward to-eth me.
Thank you.
Please remove your black Wilson leather jackets and place them upon the floor.
Do you all behold this? These are my muscles.
And look at them now.
Just cheap black T-shirts.
You're fired.
Get the fuck outta here.
True change.
We're all capable of it.
Let's fucking get this show back on track! - Let's - Mr.
Powers.
Mr.
Powers.
Sorry to interrupt, but, before you apologize, perhaps you'd like to hear what we have to say.
Uh, I'm trying to bond with my crew right now.
So maybe this can wait, suit.
My name is Ronny Thelman.
And this here is my friend's son, Jerome.
I'm sorry, why do I care about your family tree-slash-life story? Well, you see, I'm head of the network and therefore your boss.
Oh! My bad.
Very fascinating story.
Please continue, I'm sorry.
- Come here, Mr.
Powers.
- OK.
Yeah.
Come on.
Kenny, I think you're great.
I saw your Christmas Special and I thought it was the most fantastic bit of television I've ever seen.
The fact that it was Christmas and yet you was behaving in the most selfish manner was it was a breath of fresh air.
I wanna renew your contract.
I wanna offer you a new show.
- Your own show.
- Are you serious? Yeah.
I want you to be the next Ellen DeGeneres.
Well she's pretty dope.
But she's a lesbian.
I know she's a lesbian.
I was in the meeting when we decided she should be one.
And I was in the meeting when we decided that Ryan Seacrest should be straight.
- That was a good call.
- You know what? I think for your first show I've got the idea.
It's gonna be a world exclusive interview of Guy Young.
First time since his fall from grace.
Get him on the couch.
Get him to apologize.
You know, maybe shed some tears.
You know, really open up.
Well, I mean, that sounds like a great idea in theory but Guy Young and myself are not really friends.
I mean, he's a mess.
I destroyed the man's life.
I know you did.
I mean, the thing is, you know, you either want the show or you don't.
No, no, no.
You want Guy Young? - I'll get you Guy Young.
- Fantastic.
Jerome, you look tired.
Do you want a break? Uh, any of you girls any good with children? Great.
This is Jerome.
He's 13 years old.
Do you mind taking him into the other room and thucking his willy off? - Kenny.
- Kenny.
- There he is.
- Kenny's here.
Looking good, champ.
You think I look good.
Oh.
Look at all the little worker bees tending to their queen.
That's good little muchachos, helping your father.
I tell you, trying to kill myself was the best thing I ever did.
- It's pretty awesome.
- OK.
Good.
What a nice family.
Thank you guys.
Look at us, man.
Two dudes on the mend, huh? With this new television show we're gonna be more famous than Oprah Winfrey.
Speaking of, I read your screenplay.
Finally, motherfucker.
Jesus Christ.
I've been sitting here on goddamn pins and needles.
What'd you think? You love it? Uhh It was good.
It was - I like the - Hmm? - The stage directions.
- The stage directions? Uh, it's always very clear who was talking to each other.
Dude, what about the story, dude? Did it connect for you? Kenny, it's all voice over.
Show, don't tell.
That's the golden rule.
Jesus Christ.
Dude, I think that gunshot wound gave you down syndrome.
- - You need to work on your communication skills - with auteurs, OK? - But the ending, - it coulda been so much stronger - Goddamn.
You injure your fucking jaw and suddenly you're Roger Ebert.
I'm more Gene Siskel.
Ra-ra-ra.
I'll let this pass, brother, because you are a little loopy from the pain medicine.
Hey, you want some Vicodin? - Yeah, sure.
I'll take one.
- Kenny Jr.
, bring Daddy them pills.
Guy? Thank you so much.
- Guy? Guy? - I love you.
Guy Young loves you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome back to another session of The Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and man, we got a great show.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Geyser.
What's up, Old Faithful? - What's going on here? - Well-- If it isn't the great TV star, Kenny Powers.
I come in peace, Guy.
I bring good news.
Oh yeah? Well, unless that good news is you have testicular cancer, I don't give a rat's ass.
I don't have cancer in my balls, Guy.
But I do have a brand new television show.
Oh, goddamn it.
What are you trying to do to me, Kenny, huh? You just trying to twist the knife in my back? I never wanted you to end up this way, Guy.
This competition got the best of both of us.
And I want to take responsibility for my actions.
No.
It's not that easy.
I've lost everything.
I lost my show.
I lost my food chains.
I lost my AIDS charity.
Nobody wants me anymore.
I don't think I can help you get AIDS back, Guy.
But I can offer you a chance at redemption.
I'd like to grant to you an interview as the very first guest on the first episode of my brand new show.
You can apologize to the masses.
You can begin the difficult task of rebuilding your brand.
No.
I shit on your kind gesture.
Guy, you can't quit.
You don't belong in here, man.
You belong out there.
You're a natural born celebrity.
Why are you doing this, Kenny? Because once upon a time, a dear friend did the same exact thing for me.
Gave me a shot when the rest of the world had counted me out.
Seems only fair to return the favor.
OK, that was very cool, what you just said.
I mean, I wasn't as down as you are now - when you found me.
- You were pretty - You were pretty fucking down.
- Well, I wasn't bleeding from my shins nor did I have my own urine in Gatorade bottles.
So I think you're doing worse than I was doing.
Oh no.
Johnny Appleseed is dying.
He was loved by all, even the animals.
Johnny Appleseed's dream was to plant enough seeds so no one would ever have to be hungry again.
Kids got chops.
It's not too bad.
He'll always be remembered for what great things he did.
Yeah.
Yeah, boy.
My son is main star of the play.
His part is more important than all the other children.
Woo! Good work! - Look at our little guy there, huh? - I know.
The tiniest pothead.
I gotta say, this feels pretty goddamn good, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- What do you say? Should we take the kids out for a little celebratory pizza party? Our family finally reunited again.
It sounds so nice, but, um, I can't.
Are you on a diet or something? We can go get milkshakes if you want to.
No, I can't.
I've been thinking about this a lot.
And, um, I gotta be honest with you.
I'm scared you're gonna break my heart again.
I love you so much.
But we can't be together.
I'm moving to Santa Fe.
Santa Fe? What the fuck.
I mean, that's pretty far away.
I know but I got a new job.
I'm gonna be the new branch manager.
Are you OK? - You're breathing really heavy - Yeah, no.
I know.
I'm just practicing relaxation exercises.
You know you can come visit anytime.
You are so welcome to.
In the end, Kenny Powers didn't get what he wanted, but he got what he needed.
Here we are.
The pinnacle of success.
Our journey ends here, Stevie.
At the top.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I'm feeling good as hell about this, dog.
I feel like Lil Wayne with this sizzurp.
It's crazy.
I always thought this moment would be joyous.
But instead of wonder, I only feel isolation.
That's the pre-show jitters, dog.
Them the butterflies.
You got this, Kenny.
That's the sickest bastard in television.
What's up with this kung fu? Just preparation, dog.
Listen, I wanna go over what you're gonna say today, all right? I thought that I could just say whatever I wanted to.
- Just riff.
Speak from the heart.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm just gonna tell you - what your heart is telling you to say.
- OK.
When you get out and you see Guy Young, I want you to crush him, all right? I want you to break him like he's a teenage hymen.
That's not what we talked about, I didn't think it was that kind of a show.
I thought this was like a feel good thing, like therapeutic, dude.
- Like Ellen.
- No, no, no.
It's nothing like Ellen.
Ellen's a lesbian.
The idea of the show is humiliation.
This is like reality TV.
Who'd be a star, right? - Sure.
- Indulge me, - for one moment.
Please, Kenny.
- Yeah, sure.
Thank you, Kenny.
All right.
Jerome, come over here.
Jerome, you see that man in the blue shirt there? - Yeah.
- Yeah? The fat one.
I want you to go up there, get your fingers and I want you to ram 'em up his asshole.
You wanna learn about television, yeah? Go and do that.
Go on.
Look at this, Kenny.
- Hey! - Hey, hey.
Don't shove him.
Bully.
That's how you do it.
Well? You see? They love me.
Because I humiliated the fat man.
It's gonna be the same with the audience today.
That fat man tonight is Guy Young.
I want you to look in that mirror now.
Would you say, "I'm a bad man.
"? - Just just to say it into the mirror? - Yeah.
I'm a bad man.
Say, "I'm a very bad man.
" "I'm a very bad man.
" You're a bad man.
You are, Kenny.
You see, once the audience see who you are, they will love you.
You go out and you kill Guy Young.
You kill him.
All right? Got it.
Let's go.
Come on.
You had fun.
You're having fun.
Stevie, what do you think about that? Champion.
Thank you so much for doing this.
You're a good friend.
And an even better man.
No problem, Guy.
I love you.
I love you too.
I'll see you out there, buddy.
So, April, Santa Fe, how exciting is that? Just put your broken marriage behind you.
- You know.
Just do one of these.
- In time.
You know, you should try online dating.
- Dixie, I'm not ready to date.
- Are you sure? - Positive.
- Not getting any younger.
You're just getting older.
Gene, please turn off the TV.
OK? You can go one day without watching television.
No TV, how am I supposed to drown you out? - I'm sorry.
What's that, honey? - Huh? And now it's time for the Powers Hour.
Hello and how are you, America? Welcome to Powers Hour.
I'm your host, Kenneth Powers, and I'm here today to give you straight talk.
Oh, oh.
It's starting.
Powers Hour will be unlike any other show on daytime talk.
Because we're gonna give it to you real and we're gonna give it to you hard.
Guys, we have coasters for a reason.
That's right, you'll be getting it real hard.
- Turn it off, Gene.
- Charlotte.
Come on, Dixie.
We're watching this.
No.
We're not watching this.
'Cause I said to turn it off.
OK? We wanna socialize.
Gene, one, - two, two and a half - Oh.
You know what? You want the remote? You want it? I'm gonna stick it up my ass, all right? And then you can come up there and dig it out yourself.
Well, guess what, genius, look.
Now you're not watching Kenny, OK? Oh yeah, well I'll just turn it on by squeezing my fucking ass cheeks.
Now piss off, Dixie! Goddamn it! - We'll talk later.
- Oh, "we'll talk later.
" You will anyway and I'll just zone out and act like I give a shit.
Now sit on it.
Idiot.
Now today's show is all about second chances.
Later on in the episode we have the results of some exciting paternity tests which are gonna give some young men a second chance at responsibility.
This is gonna be a big hit.
Now folks, I'd like to introduce a very special guest.
Now this man at one point was loved and admired by all.
But now he's universally hated.
Ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for Guy Young.
Eat a dick.
How does it feel to hear people booing you like that? - It's hard.
- These people look at you and they think very negative of you.
- Yeah.
- They don't like you.
- Yeah, I get that.
- Because of the things you said.
- Yes.
- That's why you're here today, you want to apologize for what you said.
Thank goodness your show exists, because, um Well, Guy, guess what? That's not gonna happen.
You just walked into an ambush, old friend.
Boom! Because people here don't give a shit about second chances, no.
What they'd rather see, you humiliated on national television.
But that's not what I want.
- And I say fuck what these people want.
- What? I made a lot of mistakes on my return to superstardom.
- Kenny - I screwed a lot of pooches.
I fucked a lot of folks.
I labored for far too long for lesser men.
I used my god given abilities to destroy men's lives.
I betrayed good people.
I ruthlessly stepped upon the week and the strong.
I turned them into my slaves.
- Come on - Even the fiercest of warriors is nothing to me.
Powerless.
I was absolutely terrible to everybody in my fucking life, including everyone I worked with.
Everyone I lived with, my friends, my family.
I was horrendous.
And why did I do these things you ask? Well, it's simple, really.
I thought that fame, fortune and success was the only way I would ever be happy.
And I've paid a steep price for this train of thinking.
I've lost the only woman I ever loved.
And the only woman who ever loved me.
So from this moment forward, the vicious dragon that was Kenny Powers will retreat back to his cave.
Back to hibernation.
Until the next foolish knight awakens his wrath.
- When When do I get to make my apology? - Hmm? Do do I get to make my apology now? Yep.
It's all yours, buddy.
Fucking duck's clit! First off, let me say, I love black people.
Grab all the personal effects, Stevie.
All the personal accoutrements, please.
- Shane, go there.
- Kenny Powers, I'm fucking annoyed with you, you pair of hedgehog tits! You upset a little kid who's very, very sick with herpes.
He was expecting to see some American badass, not some nancy boy - How's that for a badass? - Oooh! World Star! World Star! Fuck you! - Hey, little dudes.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey, Daddy.
- Look who's mastered the beast, huh? Looks like you guys are gonna be moving out west.
Those kids from the rez, they're not gonna like you.
Many moons ago the white man stole their land, so they're instantly gonna have a hatred for you.
As long as you keep Dakota by your side and never show 'em an ounce of fear, one day, you can gain their respect.
OK, Daddy.
I hope to get out to see you there sometime, you guys.
You know, Southwest airlines has a hub in Albuquerque.
There's no first class on that airline, obviously, but they do have that business select option.
You get the coupons for the premium drinks and the priority access, be the first on the plane.
Even offer the double rapid reward points for your miles there.
Hopefully I'll stack up a bunch of those from all the times I'll come out there and visit.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
I'm gonna miss you too.
Bring it in here.
Love you guys.
Love you too.
- Oh.
Hey.
- Hey.
Surprised to see you're taking so much of that traditional modern shit we had.
Seems like it might kinda clash with the Spanish style they rock there in Santa Fe.
- Mmm.
- Might wanna think about getting some Navajo rugs or some ristras Kokopellis, the little skinny dudes with the trumpets.
I guess we'll see once we get there.
Yeah.
This is it.
The paper's are signed.
You and I are officially divorced.
Thank you.
What are you gonna do now? I don't know.
Stevie and I have been cooking up a few things.
Now that I'm done with the television industry, it might be high time to finally step into the feature film world.
- Mm.
- At least with movies it's not all about the money.
Well, I know you will succeed at anything you try.
Hmm.
Yeah, well We'll see.
Goodbye, April.
Goodbye, Kenny.
You know, April, when I told you that I wasn't happy with you and the kids, that wasn't true.
I was never unhappy with you guys.
I was unhappy with myself.
I just wanted to be a success.
It turns out I was a success the whole entire time.
As a father, a husband.
A pretty goddamn good one at that.
I just thought you should know.
- Kenny, stop.
- No, April, it's fine Oh.
Just stop.
If you ask me, the secret to success is to have a diverse portfolio.
Too much of any one thing is fucking no bueno.
- - Of course, sometimes, balancing can be hard.
But all things worth having are worth fighting for.
Kids, I can throw the ball faster than fuck and now I'm the most popular teacher in this school.
Cutler, you're fucking out.
Big cans, bring me them titties.
My life is ruined.
Sometimes hard work pays off.
Yay, Kenny.
And, cut! - Pretty powerful.
- Perfect.
Check the fucking gate.
- That's you, son.
You did it.
- That's me, Daddy.
- Whoa.
- I did it.
I love you so much.
You're great too, yeah.
If a man doesn't have a dream well, guess what, his soul begins to die.
So after you've accomplished your dreams, the best thing to do is to come up with new dreams.
That way, as the years roll on, as they will do, you'll always look to the future with hope.
But of course the future's sure to hold it's fair share of miseries.
No.
All kinds of shitty sorrows.
I find solace in the fact that from each sorrow comes a little bit of knowledge.
And with knowledge comes wisdom.
- If you're lucky you get a second act in life.
- Come on, Daddy.
- Come on, Daddy.
But sooner or later, death will come.
Unannounced, Old Man Reaper comes to reclaim your soul.
All you can hope for is that the people you love will cherish the time they spent with you.
In the end, you judge a man by how he influenced the world.
You judge him by the seeds he left behind.
And you judge his seeds by the harvest.
But Kenny Powers' harvest remains unknown, but I'm pretty goddamn proud of my seeds.
The end.
Cut to black.
Audience goes fucking ape shit.
It's perfect.
Hmph.
- Are you done yet? - Hmm? You have been in here for hours.
Yep.
I'm finished.
Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in his lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely