Episodes s04e08 Episode Script

You and Helen? She's a wild one, with that little swastika down there? That's a flower.
He's going around telling people I have some sort of anti-semitic twat? Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Okay, now I'm a little scared.
He should be scared.
Fucking brilliant.
Really? I would love to do this.
Great.
Do you want me in your show? A key? After two weeks? It's just it's too much too fast.
You have to tell her how you feel.
I know she's your friend, but I'm not sure she has our best interests at heart.
No? She's clearly in love with you.
Beverly? Oh, that's crazy.
Oh, please.
Look at her hair.
There's timing.
How was the gym? This idiot woman on the treadmill next to me was yakking on her phone the entire time.
I hate people.
And there's a big bloody sign right in front of her, saying, "No phones.
" I rest my case.
So I'm staring at her, trying to blow her up with my mind, and then I look up at the sign, and then I look back to her, then up at the sign again, and she's just rattling on, - totally oblivious.
- Mm.
I swear, it was all I could do not to grab her fucking phone and throw it across the gym.
Why didn't you just say something? Ah, I didn't want to make a big deal of it.
Ah, look who's here.
Oh.
Oh, look.
There's your girlfriend.
She's not my - Morning.
- Hi.
Whoo.
Almost got me there.
Almost.
Actually, you are just the person I wanted to see.
- Oh? - I got the weirdest call yesterday from Matt LeBlanc's agent, saying you'd offered him a role in Opposite? Oh, right.
I was like, "What?" So sorry, totally our fault.
Matt read the script, wanted to do it.
We didn't know how to say no.
Welcome to my world.
We finally told him last night.
It was not pretty.
Well, next time, I'd just appreciate a little heads-up.
Absolutely.
Hopefully there won't be a next time.
Anyway, uh, we are late for a table read.
We got to go.
Bye-bye.
I like her.
She's great, isn't she? Um Whoo.
Almost got me again.
I know.
What the hell was that? What? What? She practically ran me over.
It was an accident.
Maybe the first time.
You're saying it was deliberate? Well, it's not like I'm a squirrel crossing the highway.
Oh, please.
And did you notice she hardly looked at me? - No? - No.
She only looked at you.
Well, I've always had a way with the lesbians.
At school, they used to say I could turn a woman gay.
I'm glad you're enjoying this.
I found it deeply troubling.
Speaking of which I suppose we had to see him eventually.
Look, actors don't get cast in parts all the time.
He's a big boy.
At a certain point, he's just gonna have to acc - Hey.
- Morning.
Clearly he has not reached that point.
I would say not.
Oh, so awful.
Okay.
Well, let us know if you hear anything else.
Oh.
Good news? Up Till Now had to shut down.
What? Why? The guy playing the best friend, the stand-up, Adam Bailen? - I think it's Ballen.
- No, Bailen.
- Are you sure? - She said Bailen.
All this time I've been saying Ballen.
That's embarrassing.
- What about him? - He's dead.
What? He fell off the back of a boat last night.
They just found his body.
Oh, my God.
What was he doing on a boat? Boating? Why? He was so young.
And so talented, really funny.
I know.
And he had just lost all that weight.
Oh, it's heartbreaking.
- So now we have to recast? - Oh.
It's the middle of pilot season.
What a fucking nightmare.
What about Matt LeBlanc? God knows he's available.
Hmm.
Not too old? Well, what's-his-name could have an old best friend.
Nah, sounds depressing.
- I guess.
- I still like him, though.
We should keep him in mind for something.
Hmm.
What? You still pissed at Merc? What do you think? Why? So, what's the big news? Well, we were talking about possible hosts for your show.
Yeah? You like my new list? Mm, it's definitely better, in that all of them are alive.
You're welcome.
Except for Gene Rayburn, who is, in fact, dead.
Oh, man.
I can't catch a break.
That's fine, 'cause we actually have an idea that we are very excited about.
Well, if you're excited, I'm excited.
Oh, I'm excited.
There's an actor.
He's charming.
He's funny.
- And alive? - Very much so.
Sounds perfect.
He's never done anything like this before.
So who is it? You're killing me here.
Oh, just you wait.
- Do you want to? - Yeah.
This should really come from me.
Matt LeBlanc.
That's a joke, right? Am I laughing? Come on.
Are you fucking kidding me? Not a fan? There's no way that cocksucker is hosting my show.
Really? See, I thought you wanted to get on the air.
Look, there's got to be somebody else.
Mm, not for me.
You know Helen.
When she gets an idea in her head Please, I am begging you, don't do this.
Come on, we've got history.
Oh, I think we are all aware of our history.
Oh, Jesus.
Is that what this is? Because she told you about Absolutely not.
Give me some credit.
I swear on my little swastika tattoo, this is nothing personal.
Are you fucking kidding me? Merc Lapidus? I'm telling you, he said he can't do it without you.
- Bullshit.
- I talked to the man myself.
Well, I don't care.
No fucking way.
Look, I get it.
Obviously, you don't, 'cause if you did Can you set aside your personal feelings for one minute? - No.
- This is a business decision.
You asked me to bring you a project.
This is an amazing project.
Okay, maybe I should have been more specific.
Bring me a project that isn't produced by a lying, evil, piece-of-shit, fuckface scumbag.
How are you? We love you.
Oh.
Love you too.
Uh, we know you're eating, but Yeah, sure.
San ni ichi.
Huh? How we doing here? - Again? - Yeah.
San ni ichi.
There you go.
Okeydokey.
This was great.
Bye-bye.
Go on.
Konnichiwa.
He got fat.
At least listen to the deal.
Jesus Christ.
It's not just money.
I got you points.
You would own a big piece of the show.
I don't care.
I'm not gonna be a fucking game-show host.
First of all, it's more than just a game show.
This has the potential to be an event.
Apparently it is huge in Holland.
Everything's huge in Holland.
The stupid country's, like, this big.
Look, my job is to advise you.
You want my advice? Don't be a schmuck.
This could be serious money for you, and right now you need serious money.
Okay, now, here's my advice for you.
I don't give a shit.
I'll I'll I'll sell my beach house before I work with that that hugging, two-faced, balding Don't say Jewish.
Don't say Jewish.
- Don't say Jewish.
- I wasn't gonna say Jewish.
Okay.
Okay, I'm just I'm just doing my job.
Beverly Lincoln on one.
Um, totally not a big deal, but in the future, when Beverly calls, would you mind not shouting it over to me? Oh, okay.
Like I say, not a big deal.
But maybe skip the intercom too.
Just come in and quietly say, "It's You-Know-Who.
" You-Know-Who.
Got it.
Also, let's maybe leave her off my phone sheet, just in case people are like, "Mm, mm, mm," you know? Again Not a big deal.
Exactly.
Um, by the way, You-Know-Who is still on hold.
Right, yes.
Thank you.
Hey, you.
- Hello.
- Sorry about that.
He had to pull me out of a meeting.
It's all right.
So, what's cooking? I, uh, just had a question.
- Shoot.
- And be honest.
- When am I not? - Right now.
Oh, all right.
What? Does Helen have an issue with me? What? Helen? No.
I just got a very strange vibe from her yesterday.
From Helen? That's crazy.
Helen loves you.
- Big, big fan.
- Really? Because it seemed like she was trying to run me over.
Oh, that's just Helen having a little fun.
And I want it on my desk first thing! - Ugh! - Who was that? That idiot, what's-his-name in research.
Who, Stuart? Yes.
Should we just fire him? Maybe.
Maybe.
Smart.
- Yo.
- Matt, it's Britta.
Hey.
So it took me, like, five minutes, and guess what.
I've already got a potential buyer for the beach house.
Wow.
That was fast.
You know me.
Who is it? - Uh, I can't tell you.
- Seriously? Oh, they made me sign a confidentiality thing.
Wow.
Okay.
Miley Cyrus? That would be telling you.
I get it.
- Jim Carrey? - Stop.
Who's the Bee Gee that's still alive? - Barry? - Is it him? I am not playing this game.
All right, well, just tell me one thing.
Has this person ever been back to the future? Anyway, they want to come Friday morning.
Can you make yourself scarce? I have to be scarce? It's my house.
Well, first of all, the seller should never be there.
Plus, his people actually insisted on it.
- So it's a he? - I never said that.
- Matt Damon.
- I'm not telling you.
- Harrison Ford.
- I'm gonna hang up.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Stop it.
- So Friday morning? - Yeah, fine.
And they know I'm not taking a penny less than my asking.
I was very clear.
Okay.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Great.
- Benedict Cumberbatch.
- No.
- That's a real person, right? - Yeah.
Bye.
What the hell? Hey, hey.
Hi.
Hello? Hi.
What are you doing? Those are our cars.
Actually, they're Mr.
LeBlanc's cars.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah, well, okay, technically, but he gave them to us.
Well, I guess technically he's taking them back.
Unbelievable.
And yet in every way believable.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Just let me speak to Mr.
LeBlanc.
I'm sure I can persuade him to Really? The cars? You're taking back the cars? Is this how you're gonna punish us? Doesn't this seem a little bit petty, even for you? Nice persuading.
You're a baby! It's fine.
Let it go.
Oh, yeah, do you know what? Take your bloody cars! Who cares? Take take them! Go! Go! Go! Aren't your sunglasses in there? Oh, shit.
Fuck! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! You're still here.
I'm leaving now.
Uh, that's what you said half an hour ago.
Calm down.
I'm going.
This is good-bye.
Yeah, I didn't believe it when Cher said it, and I don't believe it now.
Go.
Okay.
What are you doing? I'm just gonna get some coffee on the way out.
- Do you want some? - You've got to get out of here.
Oh, shit.
Oh, well.
Not "oh, well.
" Go out the back.
Relax.
I just want to see who it is.
All right.
And then you'll go? Then I'll go.
- Hi.
- It's Ron.
Come on in.
I don't even recognize that guy.
What's he been in? Real estate.
He's the agent.
What the fuck? Oh, right.
You were on his show.
His show? Okay, you saw him.
Now leave.
Dude! Are you looking at this place too? Uh No.
I live here.
No way.
They told me it was someone famous, but I never thought of you.
Well, it's me.
This is crazy.
Can you imagine if I bought your house? I cannot.
How do you even have the money for this? I know, right? It's nuts.
I got three movies back-to-back.
- Seriously? - It's this franchise.
They're based on this trilogy.
I haven't read 'em, 'cause there's, like, three.
Sure.
Anyway, how about a tour? Actually, I was just on my way out.
He was.
No, come on, man.
You got to show me around.
Fine.
Living room.
Holy shit.
This is awesome.
Yep.
- I would not change one thing.
- Okay.
This is like a fucking '90s museum.
What? It's like time stopped in here.
My parents had these chairs.
Uh, by the way, all the furnishings are included in the sale price.
Oh, my God.
Was that you? Yeah.
Jesus.
That piano is white! - You play? - No.
- You want to hear me play? - No.
All right, tour's moving.
Tour is moving! Sorry.
Whoa.
Nice.
And this is what 70 feet of ocean frontage looks like.
Oh, look at this.
I'll bet you had some wild parties back in the day.
Yeah.
It was me, Abe Lincoln, and some guys from the Bible.
Tour's moving! Hey.
You-Know-Who on two.
What? Oh.
Thank you, Peter.
Oh, eh, door closed? Yeah, sure, why not? - Hi, honey.
- I need to speak with you.
What's up? No, in person.
Want to go for a hike this afternoon or maybe grab a drink? I wish.
I am so swamped.
Pilot season.
Blah! All right, well, I could come over there if it's easier.
Here? No.
No.
That's crazy.
I'll come to you.
How about behind your stage? Behind our stage? Where the dumpsters are? Are you serious? I'm on my way.
All right, that's it.
That's the house.
There you go.
Bye-bye.
Hey, wait a second.
Can I ask you something? No.
What? Okay, so I got all this money from these movies, and my guy is telling me I got to buy something, but I don't know shit about real estate.
Haven't heard a question yet.
Oh, okay, so I've seen a bunch of different places, and this is definitely the coolest.
- Still no fucking question.
- Oh, okay.
So I-I realize it's yours, but just, like investment-wise if you didn't have to sell it, would you buy this place? What do you mean, if I didn't have to sell it? Who told you I have to sell it? - Uh - I may have said something.
I don't have to sell it.
I thought Britta said Yeah, I probably misheard.
I don't have to fucking sell it at all.
Look, honey, don't Okay, all right, anyone who's an asshole, get out of my house.
Get out of my house.
Out of my house.
Take your fucking grapefruit candles and get out of my house.
And this is why we don't like the seller at a showing! - What about just the piano? - Out of my house! Hello.
Good work.
Wha What is wrong with you? - What? - What? We are meeting in rubbish.
Ooh.
When did you get so fancy? What is going on? Nothing.
Okay, you know when I said Helen doesn't have an issue with you? - Right.
- Helen has an issue with you.
Thank you.
So, what? Oh, you're gonna laugh.
I bet I don't.
It's so crazy, but She's got this idea you might be - What? - In love with me.
In love with you? Well, you don't have to say it like that.
My God.
Of all the things I imagined.
- It's mad.
- I know.
That's what I told her.
So is she worried you're in love with me? No.
Well, why is that so unlikely? In this fantasy world of hers, I'm in love with you, but you're not in love with me? Nope.
Well That's a bit rude.
I guess she's thinking it's more likely that What, that it would go this way, but not this way? I don't know.
You're the one with the lesbian haircut.
You're the one with the lesbian girlfriend.
Ooh, there he is! I sure am.
Come here.
Ah.
Mm.
Sorry I'm late.
Eh, it's fine.
I was stuck on the phone with stupid Holland.
Mm.
I swear, everything they say sounds like they're clearing their throats.
Hi-ka-hoo-ka, hi-ka-hoo-ka.
So, how you doing? Good one.
No, seriously, how you doing after that Larry Penzel thing? That stealing fuck.
I heard you got hit pretty bad too.
Well, not like you.
Somebody said 32.
Eh, it's just money.
Absolutely.
As long as you got your health.
And I got to tell you, you lose a ball, you get your priorities straight.
Wouldn't know.
I've still got both.
Well, thankfully, it only takes one.
Still, I'd rather have two.
What about you? How's the divorce coming? It's a divorce.
They get a little easier each time.
I heard she dumped you too.
Yeah, yeah.
But it didn't cost me a penny.
Look at us, making a show together.
Look at us.
You know, I got to say, the fact that we can sit here and break bread I think that says a lot about us.
By the way, can we get some bread over here? You see, that's what I love about this business.
When push comes to shove, you put all the crap aside to make great TV.
I don't have to like you.
You don't have to like me.
- Not to worry.
- Exactly.
We are professionals.
Yup.
Like two old whores.
Right.
Who won't we fuck? - Oh, I'm excited about this.
- I know you are.
You, in love with Carol? - I know.
- That's insane.
Ah, ah, ah.
Use the mitts.
I'm fine.
And she got this idea from where? My haircut, among other things.
- Ah.
- What? I don't see it.
Oh, and you want to hear something particularly galling? Always.
Apparently, in this scenario, Carol is not in love with me.
That would seem to be a good thing.
Not if I'm in love with her.
But you're not.
That's not the point.
So you want her to be in love with you? It would just be polite.
Anyway, I'll go and see Helen tomorrow and straighten it out.
Oh, dear God, no.
I have to clear the air, let her know she needn't worry.
And why on earth would she believe you? I'm telling you, you will only make this worse.
Oh, look, you've made it healthy.
Yeah.
Virtually a salad now.
Please do not talk to Helen.
So what, I should just go on letting her believe Yes.
Leave it alone.
Look, we have a really good thing with her.
She loves the show.
She loves us.
At least she did until you and your golf-pro haircut got involved.
And promise me you will stay away from Carol.
She's my friend.
Oh, please.
You were prepared to go back to London and not give her another thought.
I'm begging you.
The last thing you need is to get between two lesbians Or one and a half lesbians or whatever Carol is right now.
Here to repossess our bed? Oh, right, the bed.
I want my bed.
Oh, my God.
How drunk are you? Please tell me you didn't drive here.
I'm pretty sure I did.
What are you doing here? I'm here to say fuck you.
Fuck you, and fuck you.
Don't you think you've fucked us enough? I wasn't even going there.
You know what? Enough.
You're an actor.
I'm sure this isn't the first time you've missed out on a part.
Well, thanks to you, now I'm gonna be a What? A game-show host.
- A what? - A game-show host.
What are you talking about? And you want to know who I'm doing it with? Merc Lapidus.
- Merc Lapidus? - You're not.
Yep.
It's like going to work for Hitler, except he lives at the end.
That does sound dreadful.
It is dreadful.
It's fucking dreadful.
- And you have to do it? - Yeah.
I have to do it.
I'm out of choices.
Come here.
Oh.
Mm.
Sorry I took your cars.
Can't get to work in a sorry.
I'll bring them back.
Thank you.
I'm just so tired.
Mm.