F is For Family (2015) s04e08 Episode Script

1
We'll find out whose severed foot
was found inside that birthday cake
tonight at 11.
Who's this?
What happened to Jeff Jimmersby?
Now, stay tuned for an all-new Colt Luger
starring Reid Harrison.
He said his name!
Colt's really coming back!
Get down here! Colt's coming back!
Why is this such a big deal?
You watch that show every week.
He's been in a Tijuana jail
for months, Kevin.
Poor guy tried to open
a steakhouse down there,
but instead of paying off the mayor,
he fucked his wife.
It took a letter from Lee Trevino
to get him out.
It's Luger time!
Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad! Take my chair.
[chuckles] I'd be honored.
Have some grain alcohol.
[announcer] Colt Luger!
Starring Reid Harrison!
Aw, here we go! I haven't been this happy
since Elvis was drafted.
-Uncle Sam shut him up, didn't he?
-[chuckles] You're goddamn right!
Who's Elvis?
He's that fat guy
that dresses like Evel Knievel.
[announcer] Tonight's episode,
"Return of the Prodigal Gun."
You dirtbags wouldn't dare treat me
like this if Colt Luger was here.
But he's not!
He's in that submarine-induced coma.
Not so fast, Escobar!
There he is!
Dios mío, he is risen!
He looks like hell.
The man spent the last two months
shitting in a coffee can, Bill.
Can you show some respect?
Well, hopefully, he had time to reflect
and become a better person.
How do you burrito banditos
take your tortillas? Corn or lead?
I'm Puerto Rican.
[Luger] A Puerto Rican
is just a tall Mexican.
-Kill him!
-¡Vámonos!
Well, he is a better person, Sue!
Not as good as you, son!
I always knew you were the best!
-[Frank and Big Bill laughing]
-Always?
Where's your Cesar Chavez now?
Ah! Yo soy blowing up!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Can you believe Colt convinced
all those lovely señoritas
to turn on their own cartel?
[chuckles] What a night!
Looks like things are going well
with you and your dad.
[chuckles] You got that right!
But
[sighs]
There it is.
Sticking your "but"
into my great mood again.
Frank, don't get me wrong.
I'm glad he finally hugged you.
All right, all right, not so loud.
I feel like there's a lot more
you two need to talk about.
Really clear the air.
[chuckles]
Jesus, Sue, this is why men run the world.
We don't have to waste four hours
talking about shit.
We just drink some booze, break a crib,
have a quick hug, and it's over.
Frank, one hug cannot erase
40 years of hard feelings.
I think you've still got
a lot of anger to work out.
Sue, let it go.
I'm all better.
As much as I hate to say it,
I think your friend the hippie lesbian
is on to something.
When I find myself getting angry,
I just breathe.
-You should do that too.
-[Maureen] Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
-Jesus fucking Christ!
Daddy's coming, princess!
What did Bill do to you?
I will beat you to death,
you little bastard!
I didn't do shit to her!
I'll do shit to you! And watch your mouth!
Daddy, Mrs. Breckman just told me
they're gonna make me
the star of the play tonight!
Amy got really sick, and I'm the only one
who knows all the lines.
Maureen, that's wonderful!
You see? What did I tell you
about biding your time?
Somebody always walks into a propeller!
That's right, they do!
Maybe things are looking up around here.
Damn right they are.
Life ran out of shit sandwiches
to hand us.
Sorry I said I'd beat you to death, son.
Ah, that's okay.
I've heard way worse out on the ice.
And call me "The Rat."
Everyone at school does.
They should call you "The Douche."
[chuckles]
Oh, such hateful words from the lover boy!
-[Maureen] Kevin loves Alice!
-[Frank] Roses are red, violets are blue!
-[Sue] Kiss and tell!
-Oh!
-You're lucky I'm so fulfilled,
or you'd be fucking dead.
And you're lucky we're not on the ice,
because you'd have a stick up your ass.
All right, you two, knock it off!
[exhales]
Let's not ruin Maureen's good news
with any tomfoolery. Okay?
We're all gonna go to that play
and be on our best behavior.
Tonight is about celebrating Maureen.
And Kevin's new girlfriend!
-Oh, kissy, kissy, kissy.
-[all oohing]
When's the wedding?
I hate being happy!
After this week,
The Kwock will be no more.
-Next Sunday--
-Sunday! Sunday!
Sorry, I can't turn it off.
-Next day after Saturday
-Thanks, man.
we will officially be The Kweeze.
And change the annual KwockToberfest
to KweezeToberfest.
KweezeToberfest?
Hey, man, why didn't I think of that?
I love that! That's good shit!
Thanks for your enthusiasm, Vic.
KweezeToberfest will feature a lineup
of sizzling singer-songwriters
that will get Robert Plant's cock
out of everyone's face
so we can finally see a sunset.
Oh, man, I got just what you need, man!
Remember that band I liked
that you said was old and out of touch?
Well, good news,
I want to play them again for you!
Oh, Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic.
Don't you understand?
You're a dinosaur, and the meteor hit.
But a lot of people love dinosaurs,
old people, in their 30s and 40s.
Hey, I'm only 30, man.
The odometer flipped, Vic.
Okay, back to this century.
I can walk backwards
and reverse the mileage.
You're making me sad, man.
[Frank]
Okay, what's wrong with it this time?
Well, to put it in technical terms,
you people don't know
what the fuck you're doing.
-What are you talking about?
-[sighs] Where do I begin?
There are claw marks
on the inside of the machine.
It's full of melted duct tape.
And someone turned the X-rays up
to a dangerous level
to warm up a can of Dinty Moore stew
and overheated the core.
Why the hell is the machine able
to go up that high in the first place?
[sighs] Why is the speed limit 55,
but every car can do a hundred?
Why are women's bikes
designed the way they are,
yet we are the ones that have balls?
You want to do this all day, or do you
want to solve the fucking problem?
[sighs] Okay. Red, you're off X-ray duty.
Go to the curb and do Rosie's job.
Uh
I don't know if I can do that, Frank.
Ah, you'll be great.
Just turn on that Southern charm.
I'm going to change my flight
to a different airline.
Would you kindly hand me back my bag?
Ma'am, on behalf of Mohican Airways,
why don't you take off your girdle
and go fuck yourself?
Oh.
Jesus Christ, Red! What the fuck was that?
I'm sorry, man.
I can't work with the public.
My shrink at the VA says I get set off
by people telling me what to do.
-Okay, okay.
-I'm like a wild horse
that needs to be free.
They're innocent creatures, Frank!
They just want to graze and fuck, but no!
We put blinders on them
so they can't see this beautiful world.
And don't get me started on Mister Ed!
[exhales] Just breathe, Frank.
His mouth said lies,
but his eyes screamed the truth!
[Menard] For the first time
in our school's history,
the boys' hockey team has a winning record
and will play for the Quint City
Championship next weekend.
To celebrate them,
I request your enthusiasm
for the next four to six minutes of pep.
-[upbeat music playing]
-[cheering]
Let's hear it for the man responsible
for our winning record,
as well as the semi-regular replacement
of the urinal cakes,
Coach Janitor Fitzy.
[cheering]
-[feedback]
-First of all,
whoever puked in my mop bucket,
I will find you and kill you!
[cheering]
Here are your 1974 Southwick Fryers!
[cheering]
First, our goalie, a kid with a big heart
and a bigger head.
Give it up for Little Ken Dryden,
Mr. Phillip Bonfiglio!
[cheering]
We fight and die for your glory!
[cheering]
Now that Amy's sick, I get to be the lead
in the play. Isn't that great?
Yeah, it's bitchin'. Guess what else?
My stupid goldfish choked to death
on some shotgun pellets.
[gasps] Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, but that's not the funniest part.
I hammered the dead fish
till it was nothing but stink,
then I carried it around in a sandwich bag
waiting to make my move.
The next player is like a son to me
because, according to the paternity test,
he is my son.
Our center, Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
[cheering]
Thank you, Coach Dad.
Webster's defines "teamwork" as--
-All right, shut up, bookworm.
-[grunts]
[cheering]
I brought the bag of dead fish smashings
to school,
and when Amy wasn't looking,
I put it in her sloppy joe.
Oh, my God.
That's why she got sick? You poisoned her?
Yep.
Thank you so much!
Last but not least, he wears number 16
but averages 17 penalty minutes a game.
My superstar, Bill Murphy!
[cheering]
[crowd] Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat! Rat!
We're going to war with Stoughton
on Sunday.
And we will slaughter them,
because I am The Rat!
And this is Rat Poison!
[Scott] Wouldn't that kill you?
-Shut up, Scott!
-Ah!
That's my Rat.
Yeah! Yeah! [grunts]
Bridget, I'll never be able to repay you.
Yes, you will.
Give your brother this note for me.
I usually don't chase old flames,
but that little fire ant
has got the pipes flowing again.
This has to stop.
Every time that darned skeleton machine
breaks down, we lose precious income.
And we are this close
to having our operator's license
pulled by the Fa-hay-hay.
It's terribly worrisome.
Mrs. Dunbarton,
might I indulge in just one M?
My doctor's keeping me on a strict diet,
but with everything going on,
I think I've earned a sweetie.
-Go ahead, Bob.
-Thank you.
[moaning]
Mrs. Dunbarton, uh
it may have been a mistake to try
and save money by not having the men
do the recommended training
on the machine.
And that's why I'm sending the two of you
to the factory in Cleveland
where they make the X-rays,
to get trained on the thing,
so you can then train the employees.
Frank, we're going to Cleveland!
I love a city that isn't afraid
to stand up to the surgeon general.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't leave town.
My wife is close to her due date.
I don't give a shit
if Christ is pushing the rock back
and he's gonna guest host
for Johnny Carson!
[gasps] You are going
to Cleveland with me tomorrow!
Tomorrow? I can't, goddamn it! I just--
[exhales]
Mrs. Dunbarton, it might be better
if you sent one of the guys
who actually operates the thing.
You're right, Frank. You stay home.
And I think it's wonderful that your wife
has put on all that weight
and you still support her.
I never experienced that
in a relationship.
Fuck him.
And, Bob, now that you're not fat,
you have no excuse to be a meanie-weenie.
Of course. My apologies.
Mrs. Dunbarton,
might I trouble you for another?
Jesus Christ.
Go ahead.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
The M stands for "my God"!
Sailing on my catamaran ♪
Won't you call me Mr. Catamaran ♪
What do you think?
It's good, but isn't that the song
you wrote about me?
Yeah, but I'm trying
to get it on the radio,
and more people know about catamarans
than know who you are.
So I had to change the lyrics.
It's a logistics thing.
Okay.
[sighs]
Kevin, I liked the old song better.
It sounded more like you.
You don't care about boats.
Okay, fine, I don't.
But my manager, Vic, told me it's
really hip to sing about stuff like that.
And I live under my parents' house,
so I wrote some shit about some dildo
on a catamaran so I can have a hit,
move out of the basement, and live
in a place that has a fucking window
so I can tell what fucking time it is!
-Why are you yelling at me?
-Because you're yelling at me!
-I'm not yelling at you.
-Well, it sounded like you were.
I don't know why
I just flipped out like that.
Oh, man, I'm acting just like my dad.
I'm sorry, Alice.
It's okay. I accept and believe
your apology.
You do? Whoa.
In my house, after we yell at each other,
people don't speak again
until the next major sporting event.
Well, good news, we're not related.
[chuckles] That'd be really messed up.
It would mean
I touched my sister's tits last night.
[chuckles] Ew!
[chuckles] Yeah. Ew, I know.
Welcome back, Frank.
Sue tells me you got a new crib.
Congratulations.
You've done the bare minimum as a father.
-And you've been a f--
-Frank.
Let me finish. [inhales]
Phenomenal help.
Oh. And you are
so full of shimmering energy.
[sighs]
-Thank you, Frank.
-What? Like I said, everything's fine.
Let's rub some belly!
Hey, it's Jack Jibbons!
That's Jim Jeffords, and it's not me!
Hey, hey, Sandy! Sandy!
Can I talk to you about my band?
[groans]
I'm telling you and your drug-induced
dementia for the last time.
I don't want to hear about your band
or that old fart music.
Oh, I get it, man.
But these kids, they don't rock anymore.
They changed their name.
They changed their sound.
They're mellow as fuck. Check this out.
[Vic] You are Vic. You are cool.
You fucked a lifeguard at 14,
but that is not when your life peaked.
Oops! [chuckles] Wrong track.
Sorry about that.
[Vic] She bent over
in that tollbooth and--
[chuckles] Almost got it.
I got to go, Vic.
[stammering] I really need this, man.
If you give my band a spot
at KweefToberfest,
-I promise I won't disappoint you.
-[sighs]
Fine, but it's on you.
They fail, you sail.
Away. Into the sunset.
While a turtle watches.
You look so handsome
with your hair like that, Kevin.
Thanks. I also shaved my arms.
-Over here, Dad! I saved you a seat.
-[Big Bill chuckles]
[piano playing]
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Southwick Elementary Fourth Grade
presents Alfred P. Southwick:
Spark of Inspiration!
[woman] What happened to Amy Jenkins?
That's my princess.
You've done a great job with her, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Jesus, get a room, you two.
Shut the fuck up, asshole.
Hi, I'm Kevin's dad. You must be Alice.
Let me tell you the story
of how my husband, Alfred P. Southwick,
invented the electric chair.
It all started in a beautiful day
of a botched hanging.
Oh, how I wish I was dead already!
My Quincy's a performer,
just like his mama.
My good and chaste wife,
there must be a better way
to execute murderers and the poor.
And I know you will find
that better way, Alfred.
Better way
We need a better way ♪
To make bad men go away ♪
Too hot to burn them at the stake ♪
Too slow to feed them to a snake ♪
We need a better way ♪
[woman] Oh, isn't that's special?
There will now be a brief intermission.
[indistinct chatter]
The guy who killed
all the people up there? That's my son.
These should get me through winter.
English is my favorite subject.
I guess I've always been a bit of a nerd.
Mom, she's so good at reading.
Go ahead, show her!
-Oh, it's The Rat!
-What a badass!
Phillip's head is so much bigger
in person!
Dick flick!
-Ow!
-Nice try, psycho.
Nobody flicks The Rat's dick but me.
He makes me feel worthless.
I love that redheaded piece of shit.
Little Bill made his first girl cry.
[chuckles]
You raised him right, son.
I don't like that he's The Rat.
But he is a popular rat.
-Ah.
-Ah.
Frank, don't you think you've had enough?
You have to drive us all home.
Ah, I drive better drunk.
When I'm buzzing, Sue,
I always let people in.
Yeah, when he's sober,
he's giving them the finger.
[both laugh]
Oh, Sue, don't be such a wet blanket!
Come on, we're having a good time!
[chuckles] Yeah, enjoy the evening.
Your daughter's a star.
All you have to do is stand back
and watch her blossom.
[chuckles]
Well, it looks like you've learned
a thing or two about that over the years.
Oh, how so?
Well, you know, you're
you're so encouraging now.
I've always been encouraging.
Yeah, well, you know, when I was a kid,
you encouraged me to get off the stage.
Frank, don't.
No, no, no, no. I'm not mad.
I'm not mad. I'm just making a joke.
Honestly, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Come on, Dad. We're okay now.
[stammers] You can admit what you did.
Did what?
[breathes deeply]
You're not gonna deny this, are you?
Tell me you're not gonna still deny
what you did to me.
-Frank.
-Nah, it's okay, Sue. Dad, just say it.
It was 30 years ago. Just say it,
and we'll bury it forever.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I just came down here
to watch my beautiful granddaughter.
Oh, okay, all right. I get it. I get it.
The sweet-old-man routine, right?
It's not a routine. I was always sweet.
You were just too sensitive.
Francine.
You son of a bitch!
[all gasp]
Hey, maybe you'd like to heckle
your granddaughter
for the second half of the play
for old times' sake, huh?
For the last fucking time,
I didn't heckle you!
-Yes, you did!
-Bullshit!
You forgot your goddamn fucking lines,
and I was covering for you
with a couple of jokes!
Well, I forgot my lines
because my own father
was laughing at me
in front of the entire fucking town!
You looked like Red Skelton's dick!
Ah, there it is! There it is!
Just once! Just fucking once,
can you admit
what a selfish fucking asshole you were?
Oh, you were always just like your mommy!
A whiny bitch who turned on the waterworks
every time things got tough!
-I'll show you tough, you piece of shit!
-Mr. Murphys, take your seats.
The play is about to begin.
-[both] Stay out of this, lady!
-Aw.
Great news, Alfred. The governor called.
The execution can proceed.
-[Frank] Ah, you're full of shit!
-Huh?
Oh, you think you're a big man now?
Here, what?
Take a swing at me. Go on, hot shot!
I've wanted to take a swing at you
for about 35 fucking years!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Go ahead! Right here!
I'll give you the first shot,
you little fucking sissy!
-Jesus!
-[crowd gasps]
-Frank!
-[Kevin] Shit!
Come on, let's finish this thing,
you fucking bastard! Get up!
Hey, buddy, he's an 80-year-old man.
No, he isn't! He's only 73!
So fucking butt out!
[moans]
[crowd gasps]
[crying]
[groans]
What? He told me to hit him.
Maureen, honey, I'm so sorry. I just--
-Just please, let me make it up to you.
-I can never go to school again.
All my friends were there.
They all saw it.
[Sue] Maureen!
It's okay, honey.
You were so great tonight.
[Maureen crying]
-Do you want me to drive?
-I want you to walk into traffic.
And the award for Dildo of the Century
goes to
Oh, boy.
-[barking]
-Jesus!
Okay. Not everybody in this house
hates me.
Time to turn on the old Murphy charm.
-Wish me luck, buddy.
-[whimpers]
Hey, honey.
Nice night for a walk. [chuckles]
Okay. You're right.
My father and I probably have
some unfinished business
when it comes to talking about our past.
And admittedly,
we got a little out of control
at the function this evening, and I--
I told you one hug
doesn't make everything better.
You ignored me.
And tonight you embarrassed me.
You embarrassed your sons.
And you absolutely devastated
your daughter.
In my defense,
I think I behaved pretty good
-for the first half of the play.
-Shut up!
Do you realize what you did
to that little girl tonight?
Hey, why are you just coming at me?
What about my dad?
He was right there with me!
-How come you didn't give him any shit?
-Because I'm not married to him!
For God's sake,
stop it with the self-pity!
Well, no one else is gonna pity me!
Like every fucking thing else around here,
if I want to get something done,
I got to do it myself!
I mean, you never support me!
You're always taking
other people's fucking sides!
How about an "attaboy"
every once in a fucking blue moon?
Would that kill you?
Huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got nothing
to say about that, do you? Huh?
Of course not! No!
Sitting there
with your arms crossed, right?
Staring at the wall.
Trying to make me feel uncomfortable.
Well, it's not gonna work, lady. Okay?
You hear me?
You are not sleeping in this bed tonight.
[scoffs]
[scoffs]
[panting]
-Get off me.
-[whimpers]
Princess?
Oh.
You were the lucky one, Chet.
Eh.
[grunting]
[Dolores]
Aren't you coming to bed, Robert?
I am watching an important program!
[announcer] Here's Hobo Jojo!
What's happening, kids?
[grunts]
What the fuck?
A couple assassinations,
-and they get whatever they want.
-[phone rings]
What?
[Frank] Bob, it's me, Frank.
Are you seeing this, too?
Bob, listen.
I changed my mind.
I need you to put me on that plane
to Cleveland tomorrow.
Do you mean it?
You better not be joshing me.
Oh, we're gonna have fun, Frank.
Just put me on the plane.
I know where I'm wanted.
I deserve a happy scoop!
[grunts]
I better warn you, I'm a snorer.
Oh, who am I kidding?
We're not gonna get any sleep.
We're going to Cleveland.
Birthplace of one of the guys
who thought of Superman.
We'll be the most handsome fellas there.
We can sneak down to Dayton
and catch a Phil Donahue taping.
We can go to The Arcade,
which isn't an arcade,
but an indoor shopping center,
with an entire court just for food.
Lou "The Toe" Groza
has three car dealerships
and an ice cream shop.
We can go to Frankie Yankovic's polka bar
and point at the tuba player.
[gasps]
We can go visit the house
that Jim Brown used to live in
before he moved to Hollywood. [gasps]
We can take a whiz in Lake Erie.
[whirring]
[gunshot]