Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e08 Episode Script
The Vouch
1 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
You can't run from me any longer.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I know you're in here, killer! [METAL SCRAPES.]
This is the end.
I spent all this time looking for you, and you are behind this door.
Now what? [GROANS.]
Still don't know who the killer is? No! I can't finish "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" if I don't know who put that knife in that brain.
Sounds lik writer's block.
How do you know that term? I had writer's block when I was drafting the new HOA regulations.
I could not find a synonym for the word "forbidden.
" "Banned.
" I went with "no-no.
" Had to dumb it down for Carol-Joan.
That's true.
[BLOWS.]
S04E08 The Vouch Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat I've written myself into a corner, Louis.
- This crime is too perfect.
- I'm sure it's If Jennifer Hong can't solve these murders, then who can? She is the ultimate detective beautiful.
Smart.
Observant.
Beautiful.
Maybe you just need a break.
When I was updating the menus at Cattleman's, I got stuck on salads Not to mention, the coffee maker is broken! How am I supposed to write without coffee? Mm, our friend the carrot provides natural energy.
Please, do not push your vegetable agenda on me.
And this coffee-maker manual was no help! 26 languages, and all it talks about is how to set the digital clock.
The Mandarin was accurate, though.
I know the writing's been hard, but keep at it.
You'll figure it out.
What if I can't? Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
Don't be your own worst enemy.
You're right.
If Stephen King can trick people into thinking a dog is interesting for 300 pages, I can do this.
Do you really wanna party with me? Let me see just what you got for me Put all your hands where my eyes can see Straight buckwildin' in the place to be If you really wanna party with me Now, that's how you break down the apocalypse.
May it never come so Busta can keep rapping about it.
I didn't even know he put out a new record.
That's what we got Eddie for.
I may not be able to tell you where Canada is on the map, but I can tell you the current Hip-Hop 100.
Uhp! Usher just went up a couple spots.
Good for Ursh.
Whose turn is it to load a new CD? - Man - But my feet.
I literally just sat down.
Well, it's not gonna be me.
It's my room.
I stand up in it all the time.
- Hey, hey! - Our guy! What an entrance! Brian! Change the CD, will ya? - I got up to pee, not work.
- [GROANS.]
Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
EDDIE: 300 discs? We'll never have to get up to change the CD again.
We just press "shuffle," and it does all the work for us.
- How much is it? - $300.
Only a dollar a disc.
If we all go in, it's just 60 bucks each.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Okay.
Eddie, you sure you're good for it? [SCOFFS.]
Are you questioning my stacks? Yeah.
I'm good for it.
Hey, bros.
Spot me 60 bucks real quick.
Louis.
I've got big news.
Someone ordered the bison tartare.
I knew it.
I knew if we just kept it on the menu, someone would eventually have the courage to No.
Kenny Rogers is visiting Cattleman's Ranch this week.
Ohh.
Don't you lie to me, Matthew Chestnut.
Kenny always does two tours a year One musical, one business.
I mean, not that he has time to visit every one of his restaurants.
Of course he can't visit them all.
The man runs a culinary empire.
Exactly.
He's only got time to visit a select few.
Ones that he finds, for whatever reason, "excitin'.
" That's even better than "exci-ting.
" That's cowboy joy.
Whew! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Emery.
My son.
So, when two leaders meet for the first time, it is customary to have an exchange of gifts.
Which one do you like more? This boutique pen featuring a covered wagon traveling across the American West.
Or an 8x10 sketch of a cow and chicken riding motorcycles? Well, it is kind of hard to wrap a pen without giving away what it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Not the way I wrap.
I once wrapped a toaster that your mother thought was diamond earrings.
She was very disappointed.
Do you want me to say the pen? My son! Mm.
[SCOOTER APPROACHING.]
Hmm.
JESSICA: Hey! Where are you going?! GRANDMA HUANG: [SCOFFS.]
Well, she was supposed to play Amy Grant.
So I could announce that I finished my book! [GASPS.]
Oh, wow! That's great! I knew you would! I couldn't have done it without your support.
I can't wait to read it.
You don't have to.
Not sure if you're asking me to Read it all tonight? Yes, I am.
And while you're doing that, I'm just gonna ride this creative high.
I'm gonna craft a complaint letter to the people at Mr.
Coffee.
Don't tell me I can't.
Well, I'm kind of in the middle of preparing for Kenny Rogers' first visit to Cattleman's.
You're finally gonna meet Kenny.
- That's big.
- I know! So would it be okay if I read your book later? Oh, Louis.
No.
How am I only on page 9?! So many commas.
[SCOFFS.]
The cleaning lady is a robot? What year is this?! Why is the police chief suddenly twins? "It had all led here, the trail of so many knives to so many brains.
Jennifer Hong, ever beautiful, extended her ageless hand to the doorknob.
" [GASPS.]
"The killer was herself"? - Right?! - Aaaah! That scary, huh? That ending was thanks to you.
I got the idea when you told me not to be my own worst enemy.
I did the opposite of what you said.
Oh.
Right.
Right.
So, what do you think? I love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was amazing! I know! I can't believe I finished my novel! You did.
You finished it.
It's all over.
I feel like a runner at the end of a marathon.
Except words are my miles.
Oh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
More than 3,500 songs inside a machine that's only 17 inches long by 8 inches wide by 19 inches deep.
And she only weighs 20 pounds.
- Crazy.
- Awesome.
Technology.
I loaded every one of my CDs in here.
[CD PLAYER POWERING UP.]
Oh, look at it go.
It's like a light show.
My heart is racing right now.
[BEEPING.]
[ INTRO TO "CIRCLE OF LIFE" FROM "THE LION KING" PLAYS.]
Yes! Mufasa time! [MUSIC STOPS.]
You guys put your "Lion King" CD in? We lent you the money to buy it, so we figured we'd take some slots.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
[MUSIC RESUMES.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
You guys don't get any slots.
I-I don't know, Eddie.
If they lent you money, they kinda have a point.
Now that I think about it shouldn't we have our share of the slots, too? Why would you need that? You love my music.
We do, but it might be cool to throw some slow jams in there.
Okay, new plan.
Next time, we all bring our Case Logics.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
- All right.
What's going on here? I'm gonna bring all the CDs I listen to when I lift.
You could be a watch.
You could be a tightly packed tie.
You could be an ice-cream sandwich.
- Are you excited to meet Kenny Rogers? - I am! I memorized all his songs in case he brings his guitar and wants to jam.
Great.
You can do that after you give him my novel so he can give it to his agent and get it published! W-Why would you want me to give Kenny Rogers your book? He's a country singer/ restauranteur/underrated actor.
Louis, I forgive you.
It's not your fault you weren't born with my detective mind.
What are you saying? The fastest way to get published is through someone already in the business.
So I did a little digging on everyone we know.
By the way, remind me to tell you why Deidre can no longer travel through Utah.
And I discovered that just last year, Kenny Rogers wrote and published a book "The Gift.
" He's an author, just like me! Don't tell me.
It's about the greatest gift being literacy, right? I don't know.
I didn't read it.
Anyway, with your personal recommendation, there's no way Kenny won't read my novel.
Right.
Sounds like a great idea.
Come on.
Lemme see what you're putting in there.
Part of the experience is the suspense.
[WHIRRING.]
What a rush! Who's it gonna be?! [CLICK.]
[ENYA'S "BOOK OF DAYS" PLAYS.]
Yes! Welcome to the party, Enya! Are you kidding me with this? [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What are you doing? - Come on! [FIFE PLAYING.]
MAN: The waters of the Delaware River ran cold.
But the fire in George Washington's eyes burned hot.
My audio book about the American Revolution! Get ready to learn, everyone.
Audio book? This isn't even music! When he led a column of the Continental - Hey! - Ugh! [ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
They said MAN: "You belong in the kitchen, Betsy Ross.
" And the kitchen is where I [SIGHS.]
Screw this! I'm just gonna manually select one of my CDs.
No way! Who are you to control what we listen to? Guys.
I've always been in charge of the music.
Why would you want to listen to this lame garbage? In Dave's defense, Enya's voice has been known to summon whales.
Well, as long as the CD player's in my room, we're not listening to whale rock.
Well, maybe we shouldn't keep the CD player in your room, then.
BRIAN: We each own a portion of it.
We can take turns having it at our houses.
Like the shared-custody situation I'd like to have with my dad if we could ever find out where he is.
EDDIE: Fine.
Well, it's in my room now, so I get it first.
And I'm skipping over whatever I want.
- Come on! - Stop it, Eddie.
YOUNG MAN: What are you doing? I, for one, am not just gonna sit here and watch you skip over the founding of our nation! [CLICK.]
One day, one life No! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Guys, her book is not good.
But you told her it was good.
Yeah, because I love her.
But now that she's asked me to recommend it to Kenny, it's a totally different thing.
I can't endorse something I don't believe in.
Oh, that's true.
That's why I don't pet cats.
Mm.
Well, not to mention the fact that nobody wants to meet someone for the first time and ask for a huge favor.
I think you should tell her the truth.
I mean, Jessica can take it.
She's given me some pretty candid critiques over the years.
[CHUCKLES.]
My cooking lacks discipline.
The way I sign my name suggests weakness.
- I laugh wrong.
- I wear too much cologne.
My dancing comes across as arrogant.
Oh, well, that's because you point all the time, sweetie.
Well, honey, I like to point when I boogie.
Show people where I'm going.
- Okay.
- I can't tell her the truth.
It would crush her.
Honey, maybe you can read it and tell her? No.
Jessica and I have an agreement to never comment on each other's creative pursuits.
As friends, it's better to not know and wonder than to know and know.
Marvin, will you read it? No, sorry, buddy.
No.
I don't read stories.
I go out into the world, and I make my own.
Listen, this'll be okay.
I know some people who aren't afraid to tell Jessica exactly what they think.
Your book is not good.
It didn't make any sense.
I liked the robot? You're not supposed to like the robot! So none of you were thrilled with the twists and the turns in the book? - I hated it.
- Boo.
It made me sad for some reason.
I see.
Okay, well, thank you for your honesty.
Would you mind leaving me your manuscripts so I can look through your individual notes? - Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Sure.
Here you go.
I can't believe those women! I know, but suburban housewives are your target demo.
Better to get their feedback now so you can start rewriting.
I am not gonna change a word! Who cares what they think?! You loved it, right? Um yes.
Those wet hens are just jealous.
Privileged white women who can't stand to see me rising like a phoenix out of the ashes of this cul-de-sac! Tell Kenny about my struggle before you give this to him.
Hi.
Uh Hmm.
Howdy.
Uh, hello, Mr.
Rogers.
Oh, sure.
I'll call you Kenny.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh Kenny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great to meet you.
Speaking of great, allow me to self-segue to the topic of my wife's novel.
I just heard Kenny's limo is on its way from the airport.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Word is, he is dressed to the nines.
Well, so am I.
I'm wearing my silver stud.
Ah.
I thought that was a piece of glitter.
No, no.
It's the happy-sad drama masks.
Ah, that's fun.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC ENDS, DISC CHANGES.]
[CLICK.]
[FIFE PLAYING.]
MAN: "Dearest Henrietta, I write from the snowy hills of Valley Forge as we await word from the front.
Not this again.
I know you don't understand how I could leave you and our son Gideon so far away, but I fight not only for our family, but for something larger.
- Like what? - I fight because one person cannot impose their singular will on the people.
For to live in a land and not have a voice in what transpires there is to live not under a song of freedom, but of tyranny.
" EVAN: Powerful stuff, isn't it? Wait till the part where the flag was still there.
Tears.
Full tears.
You're a lot like King George, you know.
I'm picturing rich guy, well-fed, does whatever he wants.
Yeah, I can see it.
No, he was a bad king.
A tyrant.
Imposing his will on the people.
Well, I'm not trying to be a tyrant.
It's just music has always been my thing.
And my friends know that.
That was before.
That 300-disc changer is the New World.
It shuffles more than just songs, Eddie.
It shuffles expectations.
One of the original tenets of our republic was, "No taxation without representation.
" Your friends helped pay for the carousel, Eddie.
Now they want a say in what it plays.
Wow.
Y'all just turned my bedroom into school.
[CHUCKLES.]
MAN: [ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan Come back to Chuck E.
Cheese Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan That was a great 8th birthday.
Pleasure to meet you, Louis.
Keep up the good work.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Kenny.
And may I just say, you killed it on that episode of "Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Believable cough, wasn't it? [BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, Kenny.
Whew! Oh, that man is a class act.
And look at the gift he brought me.
Rattlesnake boots.
My favorite snake! It's pretty amazing how an animal with no feet can be reborn as footwear.
Huh.
Louis! Did you give Kenny that envelope? Oh.
I did.
He read a couple pages, said crime novels weren't his thing, and gave it back to me.
I'm sorry.
We gave it a good try.
Help me understand how he read a couple of pages if my book was not in the envelope.
What do you mean? You handed Kenny the instruction manual to our broken coffee maker and my 20-page complaint letter.
This is my manuscript.
I don't understand.
Why did you give me the coffee-maker letter? It was an accident! While it is very well-written, it's not what I wanted Kenny to publish.
Next time you ask me to ask my boss for a huge favor, please make sure you give me the right envelope.
You did not even give it to him! All right, all right, listen.
The truth is I did not like your book.
I know.
You said you loved it.
No, I love you, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry.
I should have been honest sooner.
But I can't vouch for something that I don't believe in.
You think I always believed in this place?! I know you didn't feel good about the original carpeting.
Everyone in our family thought you were crazy for moving us here, but I supported you.
Jessica, there is a character in your book that somehow manages to get murdered twice.
It It doesn't make any sense.
And a Chinese immigrant opening up a Western-themed steakhouse in Central Florida does? It doesn't matter that your idea didn't make sense to me.
It made sense to you.
It was your dream, and that's enough for me.
[SIGHS.]
Well, now I know the title of my next book "A Case of a Knife to the Back.
" [SIGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Je [DOOR CLOSES.]
Dude, you're crazy.
I'm telling you.
She's beautiful.
Fox Maid Marian from the "Robin Hood" cartoon? Rent it again.
And really look at her.
She's so modest and elegant.
I did like it when she played badminton.
Was that just Um, Eddie, what are you Just six more wires, guys.
I got to start respecting roadies, man.
From now on, we each have an equal say.
Cool of you to say that.
I appreciate you coming around on Enya.
Here's the thing, Dave I think Enya sucks.
But you like her, so she deserves a place in the carousel.
- Democracy.
- Democracy.
TOGETHER: Democracy.
[HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Gwar! Who hurt these people? What do their mothers think? Gwar has no mothers! If this is another one of your political cartoons, I don't want to read it.
It's not.
[SIGHS.]
"Dear Kenny, I know we've only just met, but I'm writing on behalf of my wife, Jessica.
She's finished a novel, which I'm hoping you'll read and share with your agent.
As with everything she does, she put her heart and soul into it.
Thank you for considering it.
Your partner in cattle and cluck, Louis Huang.
" I'm sorry I lied about giving him your book and for not being honest about how I felt.
I always want you to be honest with me.
Even if you think I'm not gonna like it.
I will be.
I promise.
And you don't have to send him this letter.
I absolutely do.
I should have supported you from the beginning.
You should wait until I write a book that you believe in.
I may not believe in the detective abilities of Jennifer Hong.
But I will always believe in the dreams of Jessica Huang.
Why isn't that sentence in the letter? I'll add it and send it out with your book.
Perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you wearing a silver stud? Oh, yeah, yeah.
What do you think? Oh, I I love it.
It's amazing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, I love it, too.
Hissssss! [DOOR CLOSES.]
Louis, he responded.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
No matter what the letter says, just remember it's only one person's opinion.
Okay.
"Dear Jessica, as you probably know from reading 'The Gift, ' I sure do love a mystery.
And, boy, did yours have me by the throat or in this case, the brain Get it?" - Oh, my God! He loved it! - He loved it! "My agent and I will be in touch soon! Oh, and thank Louis for the pen.
Smoothest write of my damn life.
I think she's got a couple of songs in her.
" [GASPS.]
Do you realize what this means? - I might be published! - He loved the pen! You might be published! [SQUEALS.]
Also, you were wrong! Take the win.
Books are subjective.
You can't run from me any longer.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I know you're in here, killer! [METAL SCRAPES.]
This is the end.
I spent all this time looking for you, and you are behind this door.
Now what? [GROANS.]
Still don't know who the killer is? No! I can't finish "A Case of a Knife to the Brain" if I don't know who put that knife in that brain.
Sounds lik writer's block.
How do you know that term? I had writer's block when I was drafting the new HOA regulations.
I could not find a synonym for the word "forbidden.
" "Banned.
" I went with "no-no.
" Had to dumb it down for Carol-Joan.
That's true.
[BLOWS.]
S04E08 The Vouch Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat I've written myself into a corner, Louis.
- This crime is too perfect.
- I'm sure it's If Jennifer Hong can't solve these murders, then who can? She is the ultimate detective beautiful.
Smart.
Observant.
Beautiful.
Maybe you just need a break.
When I was updating the menus at Cattleman's, I got stuck on salads Not to mention, the coffee maker is broken! How am I supposed to write without coffee? Mm, our friend the carrot provides natural energy.
Please, do not push your vegetable agenda on me.
And this coffee-maker manual was no help! 26 languages, and all it talks about is how to set the digital clock.
The Mandarin was accurate, though.
I know the writing's been hard, but keep at it.
You'll figure it out.
What if I can't? Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
Don't be your own worst enemy.
You're right.
If Stephen King can trick people into thinking a dog is interesting for 300 pages, I can do this.
Do you really wanna party with me? Let me see just what you got for me Put all your hands where my eyes can see Straight buckwildin' in the place to be If you really wanna party with me Now, that's how you break down the apocalypse.
May it never come so Busta can keep rapping about it.
I didn't even know he put out a new record.
That's what we got Eddie for.
I may not be able to tell you where Canada is on the map, but I can tell you the current Hip-Hop 100.
Uhp! Usher just went up a couple spots.
Good for Ursh.
Whose turn is it to load a new CD? - Man - But my feet.
I literally just sat down.
Well, it's not gonna be me.
It's my room.
I stand up in it all the time.
- Hey, hey! - Our guy! What an entrance! Brian! Change the CD, will ya? - I got up to pee, not work.
- [GROANS.]
Gentlemen, our prayers have been answered.
EDDIE: 300 discs? We'll never have to get up to change the CD again.
We just press "shuffle," and it does all the work for us.
- How much is it? - $300.
Only a dollar a disc.
If we all go in, it's just 60 bucks each.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Okay.
Eddie, you sure you're good for it? [SCOFFS.]
Are you questioning my stacks? Yeah.
I'm good for it.
Hey, bros.
Spot me 60 bucks real quick.
Louis.
I've got big news.
Someone ordered the bison tartare.
I knew it.
I knew if we just kept it on the menu, someone would eventually have the courage to No.
Kenny Rogers is visiting Cattleman's Ranch this week.
Ohh.
Don't you lie to me, Matthew Chestnut.
Kenny always does two tours a year One musical, one business.
I mean, not that he has time to visit every one of his restaurants.
Of course he can't visit them all.
The man runs a culinary empire.
Exactly.
He's only got time to visit a select few.
Ones that he finds, for whatever reason, "excitin'.
" That's even better than "exci-ting.
" That's cowboy joy.
Whew! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, Emery.
My son.
So, when two leaders meet for the first time, it is customary to have an exchange of gifts.
Which one do you like more? This boutique pen featuring a covered wagon traveling across the American West.
Or an 8x10 sketch of a cow and chicken riding motorcycles? Well, it is kind of hard to wrap a pen without giving away what it is.
[CHUCKLES.]
Not the way I wrap.
I once wrapped a toaster that your mother thought was diamond earrings.
She was very disappointed.
Do you want me to say the pen? My son! Mm.
[SCOOTER APPROACHING.]
Hmm.
JESSICA: Hey! Where are you going?! GRANDMA HUANG: [SCOFFS.]
Well, she was supposed to play Amy Grant.
So I could announce that I finished my book! [GASPS.]
Oh, wow! That's great! I knew you would! I couldn't have done it without your support.
I can't wait to read it.
You don't have to.
Not sure if you're asking me to Read it all tonight? Yes, I am.
And while you're doing that, I'm just gonna ride this creative high.
I'm gonna craft a complaint letter to the people at Mr.
Coffee.
Don't tell me I can't.
Well, I'm kind of in the middle of preparing for Kenny Rogers' first visit to Cattleman's.
You're finally gonna meet Kenny.
- That's big.
- I know! So would it be okay if I read your book later? Oh, Louis.
No.
How am I only on page 9?! So many commas.
[SCOFFS.]
The cleaning lady is a robot? What year is this?! Why is the police chief suddenly twins? "It had all led here, the trail of so many knives to so many brains.
Jennifer Hong, ever beautiful, extended her ageless hand to the doorknob.
" [GASPS.]
"The killer was herself"? - Right?! - Aaaah! That scary, huh? That ending was thanks to you.
I got the idea when you told me not to be my own worst enemy.
I did the opposite of what you said.
Oh.
Right.
Right.
So, what do you think? I love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was amazing! I know! I can't believe I finished my novel! You did.
You finished it.
It's all over.
I feel like a runner at the end of a marathon.
Except words are my miles.
Oh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
More than 3,500 songs inside a machine that's only 17 inches long by 8 inches wide by 19 inches deep.
And she only weighs 20 pounds.
- Crazy.
- Awesome.
Technology.
I loaded every one of my CDs in here.
[CD PLAYER POWERING UP.]
Oh, look at it go.
It's like a light show.
My heart is racing right now.
[BEEPING.]
[ INTRO TO "CIRCLE OF LIFE" FROM "THE LION KING" PLAYS.]
Yes! Mufasa time! [MUSIC STOPS.]
You guys put your "Lion King" CD in? We lent you the money to buy it, so we figured we'd take some slots.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
[MUSIC RESUMES.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
You guys don't get any slots.
I-I don't know, Eddie.
If they lent you money, they kinda have a point.
Now that I think about it shouldn't we have our share of the slots, too? Why would you need that? You love my music.
We do, but it might be cool to throw some slow jams in there.
Okay, new plan.
Next time, we all bring our Case Logics.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
- All right.
What's going on here? I'm gonna bring all the CDs I listen to when I lift.
You could be a watch.
You could be a tightly packed tie.
You could be an ice-cream sandwich.
- Are you excited to meet Kenny Rogers? - I am! I memorized all his songs in case he brings his guitar and wants to jam.
Great.
You can do that after you give him my novel so he can give it to his agent and get it published! W-Why would you want me to give Kenny Rogers your book? He's a country singer/ restauranteur/underrated actor.
Louis, I forgive you.
It's not your fault you weren't born with my detective mind.
What are you saying? The fastest way to get published is through someone already in the business.
So I did a little digging on everyone we know.
By the way, remind me to tell you why Deidre can no longer travel through Utah.
And I discovered that just last year, Kenny Rogers wrote and published a book "The Gift.
" He's an author, just like me! Don't tell me.
It's about the greatest gift being literacy, right? I don't know.
I didn't read it.
Anyway, with your personal recommendation, there's no way Kenny won't read my novel.
Right.
Sounds like a great idea.
Come on.
Lemme see what you're putting in there.
Part of the experience is the suspense.
[WHIRRING.]
What a rush! Who's it gonna be?! [CLICK.]
[ENYA'S "BOOK OF DAYS" PLAYS.]
Yes! Welcome to the party, Enya! Are you kidding me with this? [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What are you doing? - Come on! [FIFE PLAYING.]
MAN: The waters of the Delaware River ran cold.
But the fire in George Washington's eyes burned hot.
My audio book about the American Revolution! Get ready to learn, everyone.
Audio book? This isn't even music! When he led a column of the Continental - Hey! - Ugh! [ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
They said MAN: "You belong in the kitchen, Betsy Ross.
" And the kitchen is where I [SIGHS.]
Screw this! I'm just gonna manually select one of my CDs.
No way! Who are you to control what we listen to? Guys.
I've always been in charge of the music.
Why would you want to listen to this lame garbage? In Dave's defense, Enya's voice has been known to summon whales.
Well, as long as the CD player's in my room, we're not listening to whale rock.
Well, maybe we shouldn't keep the CD player in your room, then.
BRIAN: We each own a portion of it.
We can take turns having it at our houses.
Like the shared-custody situation I'd like to have with my dad if we could ever find out where he is.
EDDIE: Fine.
Well, it's in my room now, so I get it first.
And I'm skipping over whatever I want.
- Come on! - Stop it, Eddie.
YOUNG MAN: What are you doing? I, for one, am not just gonna sit here and watch you skip over the founding of our nation! [CLICK.]
One day, one life No! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Guys, her book is not good.
But you told her it was good.
Yeah, because I love her.
But now that she's asked me to recommend it to Kenny, it's a totally different thing.
I can't endorse something I don't believe in.
Oh, that's true.
That's why I don't pet cats.
Mm.
Well, not to mention the fact that nobody wants to meet someone for the first time and ask for a huge favor.
I think you should tell her the truth.
I mean, Jessica can take it.
She's given me some pretty candid critiques over the years.
[CHUCKLES.]
My cooking lacks discipline.
The way I sign my name suggests weakness.
- I laugh wrong.
- I wear too much cologne.
My dancing comes across as arrogant.
Oh, well, that's because you point all the time, sweetie.
Well, honey, I like to point when I boogie.
Show people where I'm going.
- Okay.
- I can't tell her the truth.
It would crush her.
Honey, maybe you can read it and tell her? No.
Jessica and I have an agreement to never comment on each other's creative pursuits.
As friends, it's better to not know and wonder than to know and know.
Marvin, will you read it? No, sorry, buddy.
No.
I don't read stories.
I go out into the world, and I make my own.
Listen, this'll be okay.
I know some people who aren't afraid to tell Jessica exactly what they think.
Your book is not good.
It didn't make any sense.
I liked the robot? You're not supposed to like the robot! So none of you were thrilled with the twists and the turns in the book? - I hated it.
- Boo.
It made me sad for some reason.
I see.
Okay, well, thank you for your honesty.
Would you mind leaving me your manuscripts so I can look through your individual notes? - Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Sure.
Here you go.
I can't believe those women! I know, but suburban housewives are your target demo.
Better to get their feedback now so you can start rewriting.
I am not gonna change a word! Who cares what they think?! You loved it, right? Um yes.
Those wet hens are just jealous.
Privileged white women who can't stand to see me rising like a phoenix out of the ashes of this cul-de-sac! Tell Kenny about my struggle before you give this to him.
Hi.
Uh Hmm.
Howdy.
Uh, hello, Mr.
Rogers.
Oh, sure.
I'll call you Kenny.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh Kenny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Great to meet you.
Speaking of great, allow me to self-segue to the topic of my wife's novel.
I just heard Kenny's limo is on its way from the airport.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Word is, he is dressed to the nines.
Well, so am I.
I'm wearing my silver stud.
Ah.
I thought that was a piece of glitter.
No, no.
It's the happy-sad drama masks.
Ah, that's fun.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[MUSIC ENDS, DISC CHANGES.]
[CLICK.]
[FIFE PLAYING.]
MAN: "Dearest Henrietta, I write from the snowy hills of Valley Forge as we await word from the front.
Not this again.
I know you don't understand how I could leave you and our son Gideon so far away, but I fight not only for our family, but for something larger.
- Like what? - I fight because one person cannot impose their singular will on the people.
For to live in a land and not have a voice in what transpires there is to live not under a song of freedom, but of tyranny.
" EVAN: Powerful stuff, isn't it? Wait till the part where the flag was still there.
Tears.
Full tears.
You're a lot like King George, you know.
I'm picturing rich guy, well-fed, does whatever he wants.
Yeah, I can see it.
No, he was a bad king.
A tyrant.
Imposing his will on the people.
Well, I'm not trying to be a tyrant.
It's just music has always been my thing.
And my friends know that.
That was before.
That 300-disc changer is the New World.
It shuffles more than just songs, Eddie.
It shuffles expectations.
One of the original tenets of our republic was, "No taxation without representation.
" Your friends helped pay for the carousel, Eddie.
Now they want a say in what it plays.
Wow.
Y'all just turned my bedroom into school.
[CHUCKLES.]
MAN: [ HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan Come back to Chuck E.
Cheese Happy birthday, Evan Happy birthday, Evan That was a great 8th birthday.
Pleasure to meet you, Louis.
Keep up the good work.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Kenny.
And may I just say, you killed it on that episode of "Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Believable cough, wasn't it? [BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, Kenny.
Whew! Oh, that man is a class act.
And look at the gift he brought me.
Rattlesnake boots.
My favorite snake! It's pretty amazing how an animal with no feet can be reborn as footwear.
Huh.
Louis! Did you give Kenny that envelope? Oh.
I did.
He read a couple pages, said crime novels weren't his thing, and gave it back to me.
I'm sorry.
We gave it a good try.
Help me understand how he read a couple of pages if my book was not in the envelope.
What do you mean? You handed Kenny the instruction manual to our broken coffee maker and my 20-page complaint letter.
This is my manuscript.
I don't understand.
Why did you give me the coffee-maker letter? It was an accident! While it is very well-written, it's not what I wanted Kenny to publish.
Next time you ask me to ask my boss for a huge favor, please make sure you give me the right envelope.
You did not even give it to him! All right, all right, listen.
The truth is I did not like your book.
I know.
You said you loved it.
No, I love you, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry.
I should have been honest sooner.
But I can't vouch for something that I don't believe in.
You think I always believed in this place?! I know you didn't feel good about the original carpeting.
Everyone in our family thought you were crazy for moving us here, but I supported you.
Jessica, there is a character in your book that somehow manages to get murdered twice.
It It doesn't make any sense.
And a Chinese immigrant opening up a Western-themed steakhouse in Central Florida does? It doesn't matter that your idea didn't make sense to me.
It made sense to you.
It was your dream, and that's enough for me.
[SIGHS.]
Well, now I know the title of my next book "A Case of a Knife to the Back.
" [SIGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Je [DOOR CLOSES.]
Dude, you're crazy.
I'm telling you.
She's beautiful.
Fox Maid Marian from the "Robin Hood" cartoon? Rent it again.
And really look at her.
She's so modest and elegant.
I did like it when she played badminton.
Was that just Um, Eddie, what are you Just six more wires, guys.
I got to start respecting roadies, man.
From now on, we each have an equal say.
Cool of you to say that.
I appreciate you coming around on Enya.
Here's the thing, Dave I think Enya sucks.
But you like her, so she deserves a place in the carousel.
- Democracy.
- Democracy.
TOGETHER: Democracy.
[HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Gwar! Who hurt these people? What do their mothers think? Gwar has no mothers! If this is another one of your political cartoons, I don't want to read it.
It's not.
[SIGHS.]
"Dear Kenny, I know we've only just met, but I'm writing on behalf of my wife, Jessica.
She's finished a novel, which I'm hoping you'll read and share with your agent.
As with everything she does, she put her heart and soul into it.
Thank you for considering it.
Your partner in cattle and cluck, Louis Huang.
" I'm sorry I lied about giving him your book and for not being honest about how I felt.
I always want you to be honest with me.
Even if you think I'm not gonna like it.
I will be.
I promise.
And you don't have to send him this letter.
I absolutely do.
I should have supported you from the beginning.
You should wait until I write a book that you believe in.
I may not believe in the detective abilities of Jennifer Hong.
But I will always believe in the dreams of Jessica Huang.
Why isn't that sentence in the letter? I'll add it and send it out with your book.
Perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you wearing a silver stud? Oh, yeah, yeah.
What do you think? Oh, I I love it.
It's amazing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, I love it, too.
Hissssss! [DOOR CLOSES.]
Louis, he responded.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
No matter what the letter says, just remember it's only one person's opinion.
Okay.
"Dear Jessica, as you probably know from reading 'The Gift, ' I sure do love a mystery.
And, boy, did yours have me by the throat or in this case, the brain Get it?" - Oh, my God! He loved it! - He loved it! "My agent and I will be in touch soon! Oh, and thank Louis for the pen.
Smoothest write of my damn life.
I think she's got a couple of songs in her.
" [GASPS.]
Do you realize what this means? - I might be published! - He loved the pen! You might be published! [SQUEALS.]
Also, you were wrong! Take the win.
Books are subjective.