Fuller House (2016) s04e08 Episode Script

1 La la la la la la Oh [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh This award is such an honor; Vet of the Year.
Thank you, Bay Area Small Business Association.
Boring.
Next time, fall on your face like Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars.
Oh, no one's gonna hear this acceptance speech, anyway.
That Dr.
Jeffries wins every year.
He's always cuddling baby hedgehogs on Instagram.
I can't compete with that.
Mom, I finished all my homework.
So, can I go? Yes, you can.
You can go.
Where are you going? Our kids are going to their first high-school party.
Party? Whose house is it? Will there be parents? How many kids? Will there be a theme? What? I'm a party planner.
I'm always looking for new ideas to steal.
Guys, it's not even a party.
It's a bunch of ninth-graders playing Mario Kart.
Should I hook 'em up to the lie detector, Mom? I don't need a lie detector.
I'm a mother.
Okay, home by ten, cell phones on at all times, and make good choices.
And if a theme breaks out, let me know.
-Bye.
-See you, guys.
Bye.
Okay, thanks again.
No kisses.
Oh, good job.
Come in.
Hey.
I'm so glad you guys are here.
Yeah, I was just practicing my acceptance speech for the BAASBA award that I'm never gonna win.
Well, if you do win, don't thank me, because with Jesse and I co-hosting the award ceremony, it'll look rigged.
Which it's not.
Unless it is.
It is, isn't it? I was never here.
I'm here.
I'm here.
Hey, don't I recognize you from our wedding? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Very funny.
Our schedules have been crazy.
With me working mornings and Jesse at the Smash Club all night, we barely see each other.
The only time I see her is in my dreams.
Although occasionally she morphs into Abe Lincoln.
Sort of hot.
I've never been with a bearded lady.
All right, tick-tock.
Here's Pamela.
Don't be late for the pick-up.
I have a four o'clock facial appointment.
These pores don't tighten themselves, you know.
D.
J.
, thank you for letting us host Mommy and Me here.
-All right.
Love you.
-Love you, too.
Easier kissing Abe Lincoln.
Fine, we're out of practice.
Oh, and FYI; those mommies, they are snobs in yoga pants, and they never let me lead the sing-along.
Sing-along? Over my dead body.
And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout Big finish, again Thank you.
But, you know, I've sang all over the world, from ramen houses to international pancake houses, but nothing compares to singing to my little girl right here in the good ol' US of A.
[OTHERS.]
Aw! Ladies, not only did we get our first daddy at Mommy and Me, but we got the best one ever.
Aw, I'm sure your baby daddies are great.
Are they here? No, they are not.
I am the best.
It's refreshing to see a father take such a hands-on interest in his child.
I'm cuckoo about this little munchkin, and, you know, I feel it's important for both parents to contribute equally, you know? Did you just drop in from Planet Perfect? All right, who wants a cookie? Cookie time.
Come on.
All the kids come over here.
All the kids-- hi, mothers.
If you're interested, a few of us moms do an after-party.
The kids get a little more playtime, and we have adult time.
You know what I mean? Oh, wine in a sippy cup, right? Mommies, we got a keeper.
-I thought of that right off the-- -Ahem! Uh, ma'am, we usually ask the nannies to stay in the car.
No, no.
This is Becky, my wife Becky.
See? Not in yoga pants.
Yep, that's me.
Becky with the good pants.
Because I work.
Work? Oh, you poor thing.
I used to have to do that.
-You little -All right.
Okay, okay.
-See? Snobs in yoga pants.
-Oh, come on.
These mothers have been warm and welcoming.
Oh, please.
More like hot and bothered.
What? They've been very friendly, and they wanted to see how soft my hair was.
I didn't let them touch it, did I, Pammy? Yes, you did.
Okay.
Well, I think it is time to find a new Mommy and Me class.
Come on, Pammy loves this class.
Apparently so does Daddy.
Let's talk about this later.
Talk? We're not gonna have time to talk.
The next time we see each other's not gonna be until-- Hey, welcome to the Bay Area Small Business Awards Where the finest in their fields get their just rewards I was trying to be a good parent, okay? You're the one trying to deny our kid time with her-- Friends and colleagues are with us tonight Please.
You just wanna go because the mommies worship-- You are the heart of our city Your businesses shine bright - -Organic - - Oh, this is scary.
Oh, but so worth putting on Spanx for.
I agree.
We have a category The Dentist, the Plumber, the Vet of the Year -You're being ridiculous.
-Please.
You're a pain in the-- As we see who brings home a BAASBA As a souvenir More, more.
Never stop.
I am so glad that Steve is home with the flu.
I mean, I hope he feels better soon, but Good luck, Manny.
Dr.
Jeffries doesn't need luck.
He wins every year.
You never know when you have a vet as strapping and talented as my Matthew.
I'm not sure they take strapping into consideration.
Honey, it's San Francisco.
It's always a consideration.
But I have an emergency, and I have to leave.
Is it Ramona? Is she okay? Shh.
Everything is fine, but I have to go discreetly.
I was being discreet! -Thank God you are okay.
-I am.
Me too, Formando, Formindo, Fernindo.
Jackson, it appears to me you are drunk as a stunk.
Don't you mean skunk? No, stunk.
Eduardo Stunk was our town drunk.
How did this happen? Dad, we were just hanging, playing video games, and then every senior jock showed up with beers and was chanting, "Yo, grab a beer, Golden Toe.
" Golden Toe! I understand peer pressure is very powerful, but you have to be strong and make good choices.
To be clear, this was weak and a bad choice.
D.
J.
is going to be so furious.
Oh.
Please don't tell my mom.
I've learned my lesson, Formando.
You're putting me in a terrible position and butchering my name.
Jackson.
You're a good kid.
You're a Fuller.
You should know better than this.
Papa, didn't you always say that it's better to call an adult rather than getting into a car with some drunk kid? I hate it when you use my own parenting against me.
Ooh la la la la la And the winner of Vet of the Year is Here we go.
Dr.
Matt Harmon.
Ooh.
-We did it! -We won? Hah! Suck it, Manny.
Not you, Deej.
Your name's not on here.
Just "Dr.
Matt Harmon for Harmon Better Pet Care.
" No D.
J.
Sit.
I can't believe I won.
I can't believe that Matt won.
His clinic was only open for, like, three weeks.
I had a girlfriend longer than that.
Wait.
What? He didn't even thank you.
Oh, you guys are being ridiculous.
He didn't thank a lot of people.
I'm sure he just forgot.
He thanked his barista.
Yeah, I know that barista, too.
He wrote "Schpepanie"on my cup.
I saw him wipe his brow with a biscotti, and he still got thanked.
-Little help here, please.
-Oh.
[D.
J.
.]
Got to lift your foot.
Wow.
Kimmy, I think your foot is pregnant.
You know what? Maybe you took the actual Schpepanie's drink.
First you defend Matt, now you're defending the barista.
What do they have on you? [D.
J.
.]
I'm gonna get a drink.
[BELCHES.]
Matt is not a better vet than you.
I think there was a little payoff, a little palm-schmearing.
Who'd schmear for a BAASBA? Gia.
She works in PR.
She knows how to schmear.
Plus, she interned in a bagel shop.
Oh, please.
Nobody's schmearing anybody.
And I'm glad.
At least one of us won, you know? It's good for the clinic.
It's not like I made space on the mantle for my BAASBA.
What a surprise.
You are home.
How was the emergency? What emergency? Everything is fine.
Why would you say otherwise? Is he acting strange? It's Fernando.
Who can tell? -Hello? -[JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Oh, hello.
Not Vet of the Year.
Good morning to you, too, Janet.
Didn't see you behind Matt's trophy, which seems to have grown overnight.
I always knew that Dr.
Harmon was more than just a pretty face.
Yeah, he certainly is.
He's a great vet, and he totally deserves that award.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're so bitter.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't wanna call myself a hero, but don't let that stop you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Okay, Mrs.
Baxter, I'm ready to see Truffles.
I like my baby to see the Vet of the Year.
I've got this.
Uh, but I have been seeing Truffles since she was a puppy.
Oh, um, well, you know, Truffles is older now and maybe she's more comfortable with an award-winning vet.
I don't see your name on that banner.
Yeah.
Well, Janet, be a love and bring me Truffle's chart.
Anything for the Vet of the Year.
Dr.
Fuller, be a dear and answer the phones.
Hey, I am not answering the phone.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Harmon-Fuller Pet Care.
Janet speaking.
No, the Vet of the Year is booked.
But you can see Dr.
Fuller.
She's very good and easy on the peepers.
Hello? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Hello? Did you know Truffles is a boy? I was not expecting that.
Hey, where's my BAASBA? It was blocking the phone, so I moved it.
Oh.
Someone a little jealous? What? Why would I be jealous of Vet of the Schmear? -What does that mean? -You know what? Maybe we were naive to think we could jump back into business together.
Mm.
Finally something that we agree on.
Here's your BAASBA.
You know where to put it.
Hello, mommies and me.
Well, I didn't get the memo on no yoga pants.
Ladies, our daddy's back, and it's a good thing, because I made you a moussaka.
Aw, thanks, Renee.
That's so sweet.
Becky and I never have time to cook.
-That's so nice.
-Who's Becky? Still my wife.
These are her pants.
Lucky pants.
-What'd you say? -Nothing.
Okay, everybody, let's get into our activity circle.
That means you, Zoe and Maya.
Come on, everybody, activity circle.
Okay.
Today, we're going-- Today, we're gonna work on our right and our left with the Hokey Pokey.
We love the Hokey Pokey, right? Here we go.
You put your right hand in You put your right hand out, you put your right hand-- Ho, I think you're using the wrong hand.
Oh, am I? I guess I don't know my right from my wrong.
You do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around That's what it's all about Ho ho.
Whoa.
I was expecting more hokey and less pokey.
All right, ladies, playtime's over.
Out.
But-- you heard the man, everybody out.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm talking to you, Fatal Attraction.
So does this mean you don't want my moussaka? The only moussaka I want is Becky's.
Mm-mmm.
-[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
-Aah.
Yeech, I hope you feel better than you look.
Can you please stop spinning my bed? I feel like I got off a Tilt-A-Whirl after eating a churro dipped in clam sauce.
You were really out of control last night.
You ran around the party naked.
I did what? Okay, you didn't.
But that was only because I dragged you out of there.
What was I supposed to do? You saw them.
The whole football team was chanting, "Chug, chug, chug.
" And I was chanting, "No, no, no.
" -I should've just walked away.
-Hey, don't beat yourself up.
Now I gotta lie to my mom.
If she finds out, she's gonna ground me, like dig a hole and bury me under ground.
And I need the sun.
I have seasonal sadness.
Ooh-ooh-ooh I can't believe Matt.
You know, I can work with anyone.
I'm fair, I'm honest, I'm giving.
And calm.
I just so misjudged his character.
I am dismayed, disturbed, and dismayed.
Because I can't think of another word.
I am shocked by his behavior.
I thought I really knew him, but I guess I don't.
I can't trust him ever again.
I'm sorry.
It's just everyone on the team was yelling, "Chug, chug, chug, Golden Toe.
" So-- I chugged a beer.
Or two, which is a lot less than everyone else had.
You drank beer? No, no.
He chugged.
Weren't you listening? I can't believe you were drinking.
Uh, Fernando didn't tell you? No, that's what [WAVES.]
meant.
Fernando knew? Uh, yeah.
He picked us up at the party.
He wanted to tell you, but Jackson begged him not to.
Plus, my dad took really good care of him.
Oh, I am so disappointed in you, Jackson.
This is exactly what I thought when you started hanging out with those older football players.
Mom, my head is pounding, so, please, if you're gonna yell at me, yell at me quietly.
-I'll deal with you later! -Okay.
Fernando.
Fernando? Fernando can leave a room discreetly.
Stop.
Oh, hello, D.
J.
I was fleeing from your wrath.
I figured by the time you finished berating Jackson, I'd be across the bridge.
You knew about my son drinking and didn't tell me? Yes, but I made him a vow not to tell.
But I'm Jackson's mother.
It is my right to know so I can parent him my way.
Got to say, I agree.
But then Jackson would not trust me.
I want him to feel comfortable so he can come to me in the future.
He makes a good point, too.
Oh, so in the future, Jackson can drink, and you can keep it from me? No.
He can come to me for other things.
Not that there will be other things, but there will be other things.
Teenage boys don't always want to confide in their mothers.
Good points all around.
This would make a great talk show.
So keep talking.
If Jackson didn't confess, I would've never known.
I was not trying to betray you, D.
J.
I was just trying to help Jackson.
He's like my family.
-Jackson is my family.
-[CELL PHONE RINGTONE.]
It's Matt.
There's an emergency.
Look, from now on, just stay out of my parenting, okay? As you wish.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
This is the after-party? I don't see any mommies.
Or mes.
Or our daughter.
She's with Stephanie.
Listen, Beck, full disclosure - one of the moms hit on me during the Hokey Pokey.
Is nothing sacred? -Really? -Mm-hmm.
Let me guess.
-Renee? -Yes.
You were right.
I did sort of really enjoy the mommy attention.
But if I'm being honest, I'd rather have it from you.
Jess, I'm sorry.
I think life has gotten so busy, we forgot to make time for each other.
-I miss you.
-I miss you, too.
I can't remember the last time we sat down and talked.
I know.
We're taking our relationship for granted, but we've got to make time for each other.
And you know what? Let's make a schedule right here and now.
Okay, um, good idea.
-Friday night is date night.
-Yes.
-And Sunday morning, breakfast in bed.
-Yes.
-Tuesdays, we can try those ballroom-- -No! I forgot how beautiful you are.
Nothing? Nothing for me? I forgot how needy you are.
How could you forget that? If haven't told you lately, I think you're the most handsome man in the world.
Really? You're not just saying that because I am handsome? Are you in the mood for a little Hokey Pokey? I could shake it all about, sure.
Hey, uh are those my yoga pants? Don't question.
Just enjoy.
Didn't we talk about you wearing my clothes outside of the house? You said nothing about yoga pants.
Oh, Shelliot's listless.
His eyelids are swollen.
He'll need a drip and a shot of "A.
" Would the Vet of the Year mind if I do it? Please.
You are the reptile expert.
Am I? And cats, and dogs, and asses.
Which I was.
D.
J.
, I am really sorry.
That silly award made me feel better about myself, but you are the amazing vet; I always feel like I'm in your shadow.
Matt, I wouldn't be partners with you if I didn't think you are a great vet.
And thank you for calling me about Shelliot.
Yeah, well, what matters is that Shelliot is okay.
Oh, my land animal.
What matters is that SheIliot's okay, not who he confided in or who picked him up from the party.
I'm not following.
Matt, this tortoise is a teenager now, and he has questions and anxiety about girls and SATs and body hair and he needs all of our help.
Wow, I still have a lot to learn about tortoises.
-You've got this, right? -Yeah.
Did you get any of that? Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh D.
J.
, I have left your house.
You did not ask me to, but I felt it was strictly an oversight on your part.
Actually, I'm glad that you're here.
See, the turtle was fine because the right person treated his hypovitaminosis.
I do not understand your turtle metaphors, but I assume you're apologizing? Thank you for taking care of Jackson.
Fernando, being the mother of a high-schooler is really hard and scary.
But I am glad that Jackson has you.
You know, when he doesn't wanna talk to me.
I know you'll always be there for him.
Do not make me cry, D.
J.
Do not do it.
I trust you, and I'm sorry that I ever doubted you.
You're doing it.
But I'm holding it in.
Aw, you're a good man, Fernando.
And I love you like family.
Oh, you did it.
Here come the waterworks.
Aw, now you're getting me started.
Oh, dear.
Max, if you're ever in trouble and you don't wanna call me, just know that Fernando will always be there for you.
Uh, I can get my Zappos package later.
Okay, so, in the future, here's what you're gonna do.
I'm gonna be in the future? Focus, Marty McFly.
You wake up, you're hung over, you're put on some sunglasses, hightail it to Denny's and get a pot of coffee.
That'll cure the pounding headache? Well, it'll help, but mostly, you'll not be stuck at home talking to your mom.
Good luck, Jackson.
Here it is, Jackson.
Sit down.
I can't discipline you when you're taller than me.
You're grounded for two weeks.
And no cell phone, no Fortnite, no devices, nothing.
I trusted you, you betrayed my trust, It's gonna take a while to earn it back.
Jackson, I'm not naive.
I was a teenager, too.
Well, Stephanie was.
I just have to ask.
Why did you call Fernando and not me? Honestly I didn't wanna disappoint you.
Well, unfortunately you did.
Look, I know that there are gonna be certain guy issues you're not gonna feel comfortable talking to me about, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you made a very poor choice.
I know, Mom, I know.
You cannot be drinking at your age.
It's illegal, and it's dangerous.
I know it's gonna be hard for you because your friends will be doing it, but I expect you to be stronger than that.
And I'm telling you these things because I love you.
Okay? And I want you to live a very long life.
I love you, too, Mom.
Hey, uh, I know I'm grounded, but can we go to Denny's? Denny's? Why? Oh, well, Stephanie said it was the best hangover cure.
Did she now? Schpepanie? [CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
La la la la la la Oh