Futurama s04e08 Episode Script

Godfellas - Space pirates!|- Space pirates? You know, pirates, but in space.
Avast, mateys.
Electronically transfer|your space doubloons afore I send thee|to Davey Jarg's locker! Hey! Keep it down, you kids!|I'm trying to take a nap! Come on.
Come on.
Make Bender take a nap in a tube.
Come back when I've had|some sleep, baby.
Fry to battle stations.
|Fire torpedo three.
Firing torpedo number three.
What? That's not torpedo three!|Not at all! Damn you, Fry and Lee la! Too late I realize that me children|are me only real treasures.
Help! Mechanical man overboard! Go after him, Leela.
We were going full speed|when we fired him so he's going faster than that.
We can't catch him even if we|rub the engine with cheetah blood? I don't know how to say this but Bender is doomed to drift|through space.
Forever.
He always wanted to drift forever but through the American Southwest.
I'm going too fast.
|I've gotta lose momentum.
I'm gonna spend eternity alone|with barely any swag.
Ooh! Hey universe, check out the dude|with the Rolex.
Wow, ostentatious.
Except what good|is a candelabra without-? Wait, I know.
Ah, the pity.
Fated to drift forever through|the void as gravity's plaything.
Oh, cruel fate, to be thusly boned.
Ask not for whom the bone bones.
|It bones for thee.
The only thing that keeps me sane is the thought that I have all|eternity in which to perfect my art.
Ah! Damn you! Now, when I'm found in a million years,|people will know what the score was.
Hey, what's bombarding me? Oh, no, an asteroid field.
If even a pea-sized asteroid goes|through my skull it could hurt slightly.
Well, that was fun.
|Now for eons of loneliness.
Eh? Fellow Shrimpkins, behold him|that hath taken us onto his breast.
Holy frijoles.
All bow before the great Metal Lord.
Worshipers? This ought to liven up|my endless tragic voyage.
- All hail the Metal Lord.
|- So hailed.
Those peewees think I'm God, huh?|Hard to blame them.
- I am the Metal Lord.
Who are you?|- I am called Malachi.
It means|"He who really loves the Metal Lord.
" Listen here, time for a religious|donation.
Hand over your wallet! But we are a poor and simple folk.
Poor? Oh, crap! MALACHl: Pity me not, for I am richened|by the love of my family.
- What art thou doing, Malachi Jr.
?|- I'm practicing to hug Daddy.
Gag unto me with a spoon.
It's time I laid down|a few commandments.
You got a chisel?|Take this down.
Number one Behold, the one commandment: Make it a double! - Can you find him, professor?|- The Smell-a-Scope isn't strong enough.
Bender's odor is so mild, it's|being overpowered by local sources.
Hooray!|People are paying attention to me.
Fry, we brought someone to|cheer you up.
His name is Helper.
He is eager|to be your new best friend.
Hello, chum.
Miss your buddy? - Have a pudding pop.
|- No, I- - Want to go to an amusement park?|- Well, okay.
- Have fun.
Hey, I heard Bender's back.
|- What? Really? No.
I just thought you would|enjoy that for a moment.
Microbrewed.
My guys did all right.
I think I'll make my countenance|to shine down upon them.
Good work.
There's no slowing down|with the Metal Lord tonight.
- Yes, tonight is kind of special.
|- Did you rip off your arm as a joke? Nay.
Like most of your followers, I|was maimed building the great brewery.
Others died from the fumes|it spewed forth.
And, of course, the liquor industry|attracted organized crime.
It's all my fault.
Malachi, tell thy people that|the Lord is moved by their plight.
- Malachi Jr.
! No!|- Daddy, I can't hold much longer.
- My arms are tired from hugging.
|- Save him.
Save my son, Metal Lord.
This looks like a job for God.
What the-? Malachi, what manner|of deal is this with the chanting? They saw you save my son.
Now|everyone prays for their own miracles.
Very well.
What do they want? The people of that village|pray for wealth.
That was a practice miracle.
|Who's next? MALACHl:|They pray for sunlight so their barley might make|a more refreshing beer.
Very well.
Let there be light.
- Yippee!|- Hooray! I got it.
I got it.
When you're writing the Bible, you|might want to omit that last miracle.
He decided not to let go.
I can't believe you're gone.
|I won't! If I can't reach you physically,|I'll try something crazy.
That's my story,|Father Changstein el Gamahl.
- Can religion help me find my friend?|- We could join together in prayer.
- But is there anything useful we can do?|- No.
Sure, I hold sìance, channel|your friend.
No problem.
Insert coin.
I am your friend, Bonder.
- Bonder? Is it really you?|- Yes.
I am fine.
Give the gypsy $10.
Wait, Bender's name isn't Bonder,|it's Bender.
You're a fraud.
- You want false hope or not?|- Only if there's no real hope.
There is perhaps one way.
Have you|heard of the Monks of the Shubah? - I've not heard of them.
|- They are an ancient order that believes God exists|in the depths of space.
They have built|a powerful radio telescope high in the Himalayas|to search for him.
- They'd let me use it to find Bender?|- What am I, psychic? I mean, yes.
|I'm sure they will.
Yes.
MALACHl:|Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer! Yes, Malachi.
What is it this time? The infidels on your back|no longer believe in you.
They say their prayers go unheeded.
How am I supposed to hear prayers|coming out of my ass? They talk of war against the faithful.
|I beseech thee, rise up against them.
Smite someone|who deserves it for once.
Every time I interfere,|I only make things worse.
- It's best to solve your own problems.
|- But Metal Lord- What part of nay|doesn't thou understand? I'm outfitting an expedition|to the Himalayas.
I'll need a coat.
I miss Bender almost half as much|as you do, but it's hopeless.
You can't give up hope just|because it's hopeless.
You gotta hope even more and cover|your ears and go, "Blah, blah!" I'd also like a pack mule!|- At once, sir! Well, you won't listen to reason so I'll listen to idiotic-ness|and come too.
But we'll need a Sherpa to guide us.
Now that's one Bible|that doesn't disappoint.
Looks like society's running pretty|well without my meddling in- Atomic bombs? Those unbelievers from|my backside found my nuclear pile.
Fear not, Lord.
|We shall be with you soon.
This is the maximum level|of being with me! We will solve our own problems.
|It is time to convert the unbelievers.
- Convert them?|- To radioactive vapor! Look, Daddy, I'm hugging God.
Maybe if I hug him real hard,|he'll save us from- No! Oh, it tickles.
Hello? Is anyone still alive?|How about in the porno theater? Don't be embarrassed.
They're dead.
All dead.
Who would have known playing God|could have such terrible consequences? If I die of exhaustion, make sure my|body freezes in a dignified position.
None of that|"huddled for warmth" crap.
Behold! The monastery of the Shubah.
I must leave.
|I am not holy enough to enter.
Okay.
Looks rickety.
We'd better test it.
Welcome to our monastery.
Please stand to one side|to let faster pilgrims by.
Hey! That galaxy's signaling in binary.
|I've gotta signal back! But I only know enough binary to ask|for the bathroom.
Speak English? I do now.
What are you, a galactic computer? Possible.
I am user-friendly,|my good chum.
- Who built you?|- I have always been.
Oh, my God! Are you God? Possible.
I do feel compassion|for all living things, my good chum.
But why would God think in binary?|Unless you're not God but the remains of a computerized|space probe that collided with God! That seems probable.
A member of our brotherhood sits|at the controls constantly scanning the heavens for God.
There he is! No.
No, wait.
No.
- How long have you been at it?|-700 years.
We've not yet examined|one ten-millionth of the sky.
We will find the Almighty,|even if it takes to the end of time.
- And then what?|- Then we utter unto him a short prayer.
See, the telescope is also|an amplifying transmitter.
- Like a giant karaoke machine?|- Not really.
- Want to see our giant karaoke machine?|- Not really.
Finding God, that's important but it might be a treat if you let|me use the telescope to find my friend.
I don't know what to say,|other than absolutely not! - Your loss is tragic, but our work-|- You can look for God forever.
I'm just asking for one lifetime|to find my friend! He speaks out of love for his friend.
|Perhaps that love is God.
How convenient.
A theory about God|that doesn't require a telescope.
Get back to work! That telescope is as much mine|as anybody's! I'll use it with or without|permission! Your order may be famous for martial|arts, but I can clobber any holy man.
Actually, we only practice|martial arts as meditation.
We are strictly nonviolent.
Then get in the laundry room,|or I'll kick your butts! Oh, this is the worst crazy sect|I've ever been in.
Do you know what I'll do|before I do it? - Yes.
|- What if I do something different? - Then I don't know that.
|- Cool, cool.
- A lot of people pray to you, huh?|- Yes, but so many ask so much after a while, you just|tune it out.
You know, I was God once.
Yes, I saw.
You were doing well|until everyone died.
It was awful.
I tried helping them.
|I tried not helping them.
In the end, I couldn't do any good.
|Do you think what I did was wrong? Right and wrong are words.
|What matters is what you do.
Yeah, I know.
That's why I asked|if what I did- Oh, forget it.
Bender, being God isn't easy.
Do too much, people get dependent.
|If you do nothing, they lose hope.
You must use a light touch,|like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Or a guy who burns a bar for|insurance money! Yes, if you make it look like|an electrical thing.
When you do things right, people won't|be sure you've done anything at all.
Does that mean you wouldn't send me to|Earth, even if I prayed? Earth? Which way is that? I don't know.
Bender? Bender? Let us out! We cooked our shoes|in the dryer and ate them.
Now we're bored! - Has anyone out there seen Bender?|No! Quit asking! It's been three days.
Even if|you stay the rest of your life there is virtually no chance|of finding him.
It's time to give up.
You're right.
|I'm never gonna see him again.
I know he was evil,|and on more than one occasion he actually stole my blood.
But still, I wish I had Bender back.
I Wish I had Bender back! Huh? - What? You say something?|- No.
No.
Well, so long.
|Remember what we talked about.
Hot! Hot! Hot! Bender! It's a miracle! This is, by a wide margin,|the least likely thing ever to happen.
You'll never believe what happened!|First, I was God.
Then I met God! - We locked up some monks!|- Oh, no! We forgot to let them|out of the laundry room! Do we have to? They're monks.
|Their God will let them out - or give them more shoes to eat.
|Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack!|He pretty much told me so! Now come on! If we don't|save those monks, no one will! When you do things right, people won't|be sure you've done anything at all.