Ghosts (2021) s04e08 Episode Script

1
♪
So, what do you guys think?
- Gorgeous.
- [LAUGHS] Oh, Sam, the house looks great.
Jay's parents are gonna love it.
THOR: Thor love Christmas.
Ever since being inside Sam.
Aw, that's sweet.
I'm just a little nervous.
Sometimes I get this
feeling that Jay's mom
- Doesn't like you?
- Thinks you're annoying?
Resents you for dragging her
son to the middle of nowhere
to run a floundering business?
Yes, all of that.
Think your hair look dumb?
We're not guessing anymore, Thor.
Don't get in your head,
Sam. You are a delight.
And I'm sure Champa is crazy about you.
I can't wait to see you either, Mom.
Do you want to talk to Sam?
Okay, see you when you get here.
You can't feel good about
that heading into the visit.
Ugh, her daytime
minutes are running low.
Even we know that's not
a thing anymore, Jay.
They should be here in a
few hours. How you feeling?
Trying to stay positive.
You know, I had this dream last night
that the visit went so well,
your mom added me to
the family text thread.
- And this is why I go into Jay's dreams.
- But
I won't get my hopes up.
I know it's just you,
Bela and your parents.
"The Core Four."
Totally. That is the
name of the text thread.
Why did Jay say it like that?
Because Champa added
Bela's boyfriend Eric
a couple months ago.
What? Your mom added Eric?
I was waiting for a fun
time to break the news.
Right before the in-laws come?
You are nailing the drama.
Uh, if you want, I could
add you to my D&D thread.
But, you know, be cool.
FLOWER: You're right, Thor,
her hair is kind of dumb.
Yes, you get me. Two people, one brain.
That's hard to argue with.
♪
Oh, it smells good in here.
Although, almost anything smells better
than 40 cholera victims
huddled in a dank basement.
Jay's preparing a big
meal for his parents,
and there's a lot riding on it.
His father is a little
skeptical about the whole
"opening a restaurant" idea.
Wish I could be here to
smell the finished meal.
But I will be smelling
my adult daughter instead.
Oh, don't love how that was phrased.
PETE: I'm spending
Christmas with my family
for the first time in 40 years.
'Cause I can leave the property.
That's wonderful, Peter.
It's gonna be a real
Norman Rockwell moment.
I'm gonna watch them sing
carols and open presents,
right up until my wiener
starts to disappear.
That's my cue to book
it back to Woodstone.
Okay. I put some WD-40
on the squeaky doorknob,
I changed some light bulbs,
and I flipped the seat cushion
you bled on when you were playing
- with your toy sword.
- It's not a toy.
It's an authentic replica,
and the fact that I bled proves that.
Well, I feel good.
There is nothing for
your mother to criticize.
Nancy, come quick.
There's a problem with the water heater.
Damn it.
Well, I just got off
the phone with Mark.
He's on vacation in Fiji.
[CHUCKLES] Your contractor
lives so much better than you do.
Did you tell him we have no hot water?
Yeah, and somehow it wasn't enough
to compel him to abandon
his family in paradise.
Jay did ask Mark if he knew anyone else
that could come out on Christmas Eve.
But that was met by
the sound of laughter
and what I think was a
machete opening a coconut.
[EXHALES] I wish I had a machete.
I would use it to cut Stuart's head off.
I'm just standing here.
Hey, we're all saying a
lot of things right now.
We're hurting, because our friend,
the water heater here,
is on death's door.
Stay with us, girl!
You can pull through.
We can't host your family
without a working water heater.
This is a disaster.
Perhaps you could just
boil water for baths.
Basically all of us did
that our entire lives.
I did that for both my baths.
ALBERTA: Sam, oh,
what if you have his parents stay
at a hotel or something?
This is a hotel.
Yeah, but I mean, like, a good one.
NANCY: Hey, you don't need
some fancy-pants outsider
coming in here trying to fix our friend.
We know more about this
water heater than anyone.
And with your ability to interact
with the physical world,
we can talk you through how to fix her.
Jay, Nancy is saying she
and the other basement ghosts
could walk us through how
to fix the water heater.
It's worth a shot.
I mean, what other choice do we have?
[PHONE CHIMES]
Mark just charged us
for that phone call.
Merciless.
Well, that's why he's
in Fiji and you're here.
Do you know about all the reindeer?
Yeah, I know about the reindeer, Thor.
I don't have anything against Christmas,
it's just not my thing.
I'm Jewish.
You know about Santa?
I'm gonna go sit in another room.
[SIGHS] Thor not understand.
I've tried everything to
get Trevor to like Christmas.
Not everyone has to like
the same thing, Thor.
Unless you're in a cult.
Then you have to like wearing purple
and eating out of one big bowl.
Flower right.
Thor get carried away
with love of Christmas.
- [LAUGHING]
- Yule log, Frosty Snowman,
Virgin Mary. [LAUGHS]
- Is very fun and festive holiday.
- Man. That Virgin Mary.
How could anyone have
that kind of restraint?
- What you mean?
- I mean, like,
she never did it?
Well, Thor know people
with even more restraint.
Who are you talking about?
Thor not sure he can say.
Thor, we're a couple now,
which means we tell
each other everything.
Like how I told you about
that one time I robbed a bank.
Yes. Is very special secret
just between two of us.
Right.
So now you tell me your thing.
[GROANS]
Thor.
Are we a couple or aren't we?
Okay.
If this is something
couples really must do,
the person Thor thinking of is
[GROANING SOFTLY] Sasappis.
[GASPS] Oh, you mean,
like, he never did it when he was alive?
Tale much sadder than that.
Sasappis is
500-year-old virgin.
[GASPS]
I know I forget a lot of things.
And I really hope this is one of them.
Yeah.
Okay, you see the
thermostatic gas valve?
Nancy's asking if you can see
the thermostatic gas valve.
I have no idea what that is.
Oh, fine.
I'll describe it like
I'm talking to a Stuart.
Tell Jay to take the cover off
the little square thing
next to the blue piece.
She says take the cover
off the little square thing
next to the blue piece.
They turned off the power, right?
I mean, what kind of
idiot wouldn't turn ?
[BOTH GASP]
- Oh, my God!
- Sam! Jay!
Oh, you imbecile, Nancy!
- What kind of directions were those?
- Wait.
Where is Nancy?
She's gone.
What are you talking about?
I'm right here.
Holy heck, I think Nancy possessed Sam.
[CHUCKLES] Well, isn't that a pickle?
Where is Peter?
Where are all the ghosts?
Wait a minute.
Oh, golly.
Oh, my God, Pete's inside of Jay.
Ladies and gentlemen.
And basement ghosts.
We have a double possession.
[QUIETLY]: Why are we clapping?
I don't know. It just feels momentous.
- [GRUNTS]
- [SHUDDERS]
Wait, remind me, wh-who
is inside of who again?
Pay attention, Stuart! You idiot!
Okay, so Nancy is in
the good-smelling lady.
[GASPS] Oh, my God. Jay.
I think I got possessed by Nancy.
Got to stop you right there, Sam.
I'm not your husband.
I'm your ghost daddy Pete.
And Pete is inside of Jay.
What? This is a disaster.
Jay's parents are gonna
be here any second.
Well, we've been here before.
We know what the remedy is.
You must simply drive
across the ghost boundary
and expel these spirits
from their hosts.
We need to fix this before
Champa and Mahesh get here.
To the Mini.
Whoa, a little hiccup in
your plan there, Sammy.
I think we're all forgetting
about my ghost power.
Oh, my God, he's right.
Driving across the boundary
probably won't eject
Pete out of Jay's body.
Because he can leave the property
Whoa, wearing shoes feels crazy.
It's like my feet are
in tiny foot prisons.
This is so weird.
In the early stages of a possession,
it's somewhat random
which soul will surface
and seize control of the body.
But the longer it continues,
the more likely it is
a ghost will learn how
to suppress the host.
Which is why we got to get
Nancy out of Sam right away.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]
Oh, and there are Samantha's in-laws.
[EXHALES]
[GRUNTS] Sam?
I think that's my parents.
It's so weird how my butt doesn't itch.
Oh, this is gonna be interesting.
Nancy I can't believe
I'm calling you that
please just don't do anything weird
for the next five minutes,
while we deal with my parents.
Oh, what's in it for me, Sweetcheeks?
- What do you want?
- Guacamole.
- What?
- You heard me.
It smells amazing, and
I want to stuff some
in your wife's mouth hole.
Okay. You get through
the next five minutes,
you get guacamole.
And then we drive
through the ghost boundary
- and get you out of my wife. Deal?
- Deal.
Tell tales of guacamole
upon your return!
SAMANTHA: So
how was the drive?
Expensive.
Our car depreciated
$10,000 on the way up here.
He's upset because we bought a new car.
The Toyota was fine.
It had 150,000 miles on it.
That's nothing. I put
200,000 on my Skylark
and it still purred like a kitten. Meow.
When did you have a Skylark?
Well, I for one love the new car.
And great choice on the color, Champa.
The black is really cool.
I wanted red.
Boy, Champa does not give an inch.
So, when do Bela and Eric get here?
CHAMPA: Bela's coming in a few hours.
Eric, however, won't be joining us.
Oh, that's a surprise.
I guess some people
don't prioritize family
around the holidays, like I do.
Well, actually, he's in India
building a school in
my childhood village.
An attack brutally repelled,
which I recognize from my many
successful retreats. [CHUCKLES]
I saved a lot of lives
after I imperiled them.
Maybe we could put our
bags down and freshen up?
Yeah, for sure. But one little thing:
our water heater just broke,
so we don't have any hot water.
But don't worry, we're gonna replace it.
[GASPS] Like hell you are!
That water heater has been
delivering the goods since
before you were born, pretty boy.
Guacamole, Nancy.
I-I mean,
I-I don't have strong
feelings about water heaters.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Ugh! These shoes.
How do people live like this?
Is she okay?
Uh, she just took some allergy
medication and I think it's kicking in.
And, um, to be honest, Mom,
it wouldn't kill you
to be a little nicer.
What are you talking about?
Aw, Jay's defending Sam.
Come on, Mom. I-I love you,
but you're always
subtly criticizing her.
And then you added Eric
to the family text chain.
No, no, Eric has a
lot of good qualities.
He is an accomplished
professional in a stable industry.
I think I know where this is going.
A B and B is risky enough,
but a restaurant on top of all that?
The B and B is doing really well.
You currently have a "book one night,
get six free" promotion.
And as for the restaurant,
I'm cooking the menu for you tonight,
and after you guys try the food,
I promise you, you will not be worried.
Why did someone throw away
these perfectly good banana peels?
They're delicious.
Hard to explain that one away.
Pivot, Jay. Pivot.
I'll take you up to your room.
Whew. There we go.
[SATISFIED SIGH]
And that was the holiday classic
When Harry Met Sally.
Thor think movie make good point.
Men and women can
never truly be friends.
Hard agree.
Sex always ruins friendships.
Which is why I don't
have any hot friends.
Up top. Ah, you know it.
I know it. 'Cause I've done it.
43 times.
This is so sad.
What?
Uh, all this talk makes
Thor feel very amorous.
Want to lay with Flower right now.
Trevor, Sass, please leave.
- Okay. Rude.
- Hey, I get it.
You know, I've been there.
When you got to have it.
And then afterwards.
Wh-when you've, when
you've just had it.
We should give them their privacy.
[CHUCKLES]
Flower, what's wrong with you?
You almost blow it.
We need to do something, Thor.
I can't live with this knowledge.
Technically you're not living with it.
I got it. It's Christmas.
So let's get him a gift.
And solve his 500-year-old problem.
What you mean?
I mean, let's find
someone to help him out.
Okay, but who? That is question.
Yeah, we don't want to risk
him being rejected or hurt.
Yeah, we need someone
who is "sure thing."
What do you want me to do?
It's for Christmas.
ALBERTA [SIGHS]: Okay, so
they're gonna get Nancy out
by driving across the ghost boundary,
but how will they get Pete out of Jay?
They'll have to do it the
old-fashioned way: an exorcism.
Ugh, it doesn't get any
more Christmassy than that.
To be fair, though, Pete's
been a polite possessor.
He's hardly even been a problem for Jay.
On the other hand
Mmm! This is incredible!
She's not even using chips.
Why can't I look away?
Okay, my parents are upstairs.
Now let's get Nancy out of you.
I don't think so. I want more time!
We had a deal.
But there's too many things to try.
Popsicles, gum, toilet paper.
Sam, are you in there?
I need you back, babe.
Sam's not home right now.
Would you like to leave a message?
It's as we feared.
They've waited too long,
and now Nancy has figured
out how to suppress her host.
Oh, this is not good.
- Hey, guys.
- Hiya, toots.
Jay, your father needs help
upstairs with the Wi-Fi.
In the meantime, Samantha,
I was thinking it would
be nice if we spent
some one-on-one time together.
And I'm free right now.
I could make us some chai.
I don't think now is a great time.
What are you talking about? I'd love to.
[LAUGHING]: You-you're
Just Mom, can you
give us ten minutes?
Jayanth, you asked me to
try, and this is me trying.
Now go help your father.
All right, I guess I'm
just gonna let this happen.
Ooh, there's no way this goes well.
And yet it's not going
to make things better
if we don't stay and watch.
So, this chai, is it like guacamole?
Oh, we watching.
You sure you don't
want a fistful, Champa?
- [CRUNCHING]
- No, no, I'm good.
Nancy! This is a huge bonding
opportunity for Samantha.
You are being very selfish right now,
not letting her be in
control of the body.
To be fair, Samantha wasn't doing
that well with Champa all on her own.
Damn, that's hot! My throat!
That's why generally people sip it.
Whatever, this body's just a rental.
Well, that's an interesting
way of looking at things.
Sort of profound, actually.
Did it just accidentally
score some points?
That's fortuitous.
Hey, if you're not
gonna drink your chai
CHAMPA: Oh, I'm glad you like it.
Mahesh says I make it too sweet.
He's an idiot.
- This crap rules.
- It does. And he is sometimes.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
He's lucky to have you.
Talk about keeping it tight.
Okay, that is not something
Samantha would say.
Talk about pumpkin spice.
Talk about beige.
Our girl is dull.
Well, I'm actually in a walking club.
It's just me and a
couple of other friends.
Is it me, or is Champa
actually enjoying herself?
We try to get in 10,000 steps a day.
Damn! Yesterday I didn't move at all.
I just stood in the basement
watching the water heater.
[LAUGHS] Can I be honest with you?
Normally, you are so
uptight and you try so hard.
I don't know what it is,
but you seem different.
You seem, like, just
relaxed and carefree.
Oh, my God.
Champa prefers the basement gremlin.
I'm drinking tea with
a fine-ass old lady,
I got no itchy open sores,
and, frankly, I'm
just happy to be alive.
Hear, hear. It's a good reminder
to be grateful for the
small things in life.
How is this working?!
Hey there, slugger. It's
your Christmas Carol.
'Cause I'm Carol.
Yeah, that's clever. Hey, Carol.
Listen, your friends Thor and Flower
filled me in on your little situation.
Excuse me?
I told them I would think about it,
but I don't think it's a good idea.
Would we have fun? Hmm. Sure.
- What?
- But the truth is,
I don't think you can handle this.
You wouldn't climb Everest
the first time you went on a hike.
What are you talking about?
I'm saying that I think your first time
should be with someone special.
Also, I'm married,
but it is kind of an open thing.
I'm sorry, Carol, I have
to go talk to somebody.
Did you try to get
Carol to sleep with me?
Merry Christmas!
Did she do it? How was it?
Nothing happened. Thor, I
told you all that in private.
This was a secret between you and me.
Well, don't be mad at Thor.
It was my idea to ask Carol to help.
And it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sass.
It's just sad and weird.
And why did you tell Flower?
Because she my girlfriend,
and that what you do with girlfriend.
You tell them things.
Maybe you not know because
Don't you dare.
Okay, this is the most messed-up thing
you've ever done, Thor.
I can't even look at you right now!
- Guy really pent up.
- Makes sense.
What do you say we go grab
lunch together in town,
just the two of us?
Uh, no, thanks.
I-I don't like to leave the property.
- What?
- Samantha, come back to us.
This is surely a stepping stone
to a textual thread invitation.
All your very modest dreams
are about to come true, Samantha.
[GROANS]
Actually, I would love to go.
- Yes. Yes.
- CHAMPA: Okay.
Then why don't you drive my new car?
I'll go get my purse.
Champa's letting Sam drive the Audi?
She loves that thing more than Bela.
[GRUNTS]
Like hell you're taking
us off the property!
[GRUNTS]
Oh!
[EXCLAIMING, GASPING]
I said enough!
[GRUNTING]
Sam, stop choking yourself
and start the vehicle!
[GRUNTS]
Oh! Did Sam just punch
herself in the face?
- [CHOKING]
- [ENGINE STARTS]
This is one of my favorite
Wednesdays I've ever followed her.
- [GROWLING]
- [EXCLAIMS]
CHAMPA: Sam? Sam? Sam!
What are you doing?!
[YELLS] Whoa!
- [SCREAMS]
- [BREAKING GLASS]
[ALL GASP]
Sam.
[SAMANTHA GROANS]
My sweet baby.
I'm okay.
I was talking about the Audi!
[SIGHS] Welcome back, Nancy.
Yeah. Eh, had to end sometime.
[SIGHS] Oh, well.
I'll always have guacamole.
Should we take my car to lunch?
Yeah, I think it goes without
saying that lunch is off.
WOMAN [ON VIDEO]: And that is
how you perform a home exorcism.
If you liked this, please check
out my other how-to videos,
including "DIY Vampire Killing"
and "Rom-Com Writing Made Easy."
Here we go.
You ready, Jay?
Babe, are the restraints
really necessary?
I'm a willing participant
with a consenting ghost inside of me.
I just want to do it
exactly how the video says.
Agreed. ExorcismFan666 really seems
like she knows what she's talking about.
I can't believe I crashed your mom's car
just as I was starting to make headway.
Well, technically Nancy
was making headway.
Even in these difficult
times, we must be precise.
Haven't you said that before?
I've been dead for 130
years, I will repeat myself.
Ooh! Uh, hey there.
Uh, Pete here, just back
in the driver's seat.
Can I get one last hit of that s'more?
- [WHIMPERS]
- Here you go.
[MUNCHES]
Oh, mama, that's the stuff.
Okay, see you on the other side.
Okay, let's do this. "Evil spirit "
Sorry, Pete. That's
just what it says to say.
"Evil spirit, I hereby banish you
from the flesh of this mortal.
In nomine Patris, et
Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."
Hmm, Latin. We learned
that to make laws and stuff.
Now all together,
"Begone, begone, begone."
ALL: Begone, begone, begone.
Did it work?
Wait. Why is my body still over there?
ISAAC: Oh, my God.
Holy Toledo.
- I think I'm the only one in here.
- [GASPS]
Oh, crap.
We expelled the wrong spirit.
Seriously?