Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e08 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(DOG BARKING)
Hey, Grandpa.
Could you help me
with this math problem?
Yeah, what's the problem?
I know all kinds of math.
Addition, subtraction,
multiplication
Five times five is 25.
Five times six is 30.
Am I helping?
Not really.
I'm doing long division.
(STAMMERING) Long
Long division?
Can you help?
Okay.
Three and two is
Twenty-two times 14,
that would be
That, and
The answer is seven.
The answer
can't be seven, 'cause
(LAUGHING)
Of course, you're right.
The answer is 17.
Uh, no.
Eighteen? Thirty-nine?
Fifty-two?
Hut, hut, hike?
Didn't you learn long
division when you were
in the fourth grade?
Oops! Time to
take my medication.
I'll have to
get back to you, Arnold.
Grandpa, wait!
Come back.
I can't hear you!
Where's the siren?
(MIMICKING SIREN BLARING)
Let's see.
Take two tablets every six
Grandpa, it's
just me, Arnold.
You can tell me.
What's wrong?
Well, nothing. I don't
Oh, all right, Arnold.
I'll tell you the truth.
I always knew
this day would come
when you would
bring me homework
I couldn't figure out.
And long division
with decimals
is as exactly
as far as I got
when I was a kid before
Before what?
Before I quit, Arnold.
I never finished
the fourth grade.
You never finished
the fourth grade?
All right, Arnold.
Sit down on the bidet
and let me tell you a story.
You see, back in the 1920s,
things were pretty good.
Oh, Arnold, I used to
dream of getting
my grade-school diploma
and growing up
to be President.
But then the Great
Depression came
and everybody
lost their jobs.
It was tough.
At Christmas,
we couldn't afford toys.
We had to
make our own toys.
Out of dirt.
I wanted to
stay in school,
but I had to quit
and get a job
to support my family.
I tell you, I used
to dream of making it
to my graduation, Arnold.
Walking up there,
taking the diploma
from the principal,
flipping the little tassel
on my mortarboard.
I always said
I'd go back to school
but
Well, one job led to another,
and I just never did.
A grade-school diploma.
The one thing
I've always wanted
but never got.
Couldn't you go
back to school?
(LAUGHS) I can't
do that, Arnold.
I'm too old. I've lost
too many brain cells
to make it
through grade school.
You're not
too old, Grandpa.
And you've still got
plenty of brain cells.
No. Not since Woodstock.
You can do it, Grandpa.
You can go back to school
and get your diploma.
It's your dream,
you have to do it.
By gum,
you're right, Arnold.
All right, then.
That settles it.
Come Monday,
I'm gonna follow my dream
and get
a grade-school diploma.
And then one day,
I'll be President.
Let's just focus
on your diploma first.
Okay.
PRINCIPAL WARTZ: Well, Philip,
welcome to P.S. 118.
I run a tight ship.
I trust I won't need
to see you again
in this office
for disciplinary reasons.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm a good boy.
Good. Let's find you
a classroom, shall we?
All right, sonny.
I mean, Principal Wartz.
GERALD: Does that mean
he's going to be in our class?
Nah, they wouldn't
put Grandpa in our class.
That'd be
a little too weird.
Students, let's all welcome
your new classmate, Philip.
BOY: Hey, look.
It's Arnold's grandpa.
Short man, we're
gonna be classmates.
(ALL LAUGHING)
All right, class.
Let's put on
our listening ears again.
Phil, get out your pencil
and open your math book
to page 98.
We were talking
about decimals
in long division.
(GASPS)
(STAMMERS) Did you say
"long division"?
Don't worry, Grandpa.
It'll be fine.
Yes!
In your face,
long division with decimals!
(ALL LAUGHING)
That was one rippin'
good yarn, Phil.
Well, I'll catch you cats
on the flip side.
See you, Phil.
Willikers, Arnold.
Your grandpa
sure is hep.
He's good at ciphering.
And he's
got his own car.
GRANDPA: And then, listen.
Pookie, listen.
And then I got a 97
on my multiple choice
and a gold star.
Why, that's
wonderful, Phil.
Yep!
Won't be long
till I get that
grade-school diploma.
And if you don't
wanna wear that fork,
you better keep your paws
off my dessert, Kokoshka.
Hey, look. It's Phil.
So, Arnold,
my main man.
What up?
MR. SIMMONS: Class, I have
a very important announcement.
I showed the results
of Phil's work yesterday
to Principal Wartz
and he has decided
that our new classmate
should be immediately
promoted to the fifth grade.
(ALL CHEERING)
Hear that? You're
on your way, Grandpa.
Thanks, short man.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss
all of you.
Sid, with
your backwards hat
and your teeny little
white patent leather
Beatle boots.
And you, Stinky.
Grandpa, you'll be
right next door.
Oh, well, then,
in that case, I'll just
see you at recess.
See you, suckers.
Hey, there, fifth-graders,
what's that you're playing?
Kickball. What's it
to you, old man?
Well, I just thought
since we're classmates now,
I'd join you.
Aren't you a little old
for kickball?
You might fall down
and break your hip.
(LAUGHING)
A lot you know. My hip
is made of space-age plastic.
Watch this,
and learn something.
(CRASHES)
(ALARM BLARING)
Oh! You didn't
see nothing.
Run!
Awesome kick, old guy.
What's your name?
Phil.
Come on, Phil.
Sit with us
at lunch. Okay?
After he looked
over my test results,
Mr. Packenham decided
to promote me
to the sixth grade.
Wow, Grandpa.
I can't believe
how fast this is going.
You've almost got
your grade-school diploma.
Yup. Fifth grade
was a snap.
I mean, how different
can sixth grade be?
What are you
looking at?
(GULPS)
(GROANS) I can't
figure this out.
What are you
looking at?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Connie, Maria.
What's shaking,
ladies?
Grandpa,
where are you going?
We're gonna sneak
into a PG-13 movie.
But you're 81.
You can get into
a PG-13 movie any time.
Besides, it's a school night.
Don't you have homework to do?
Hey, quit bumming
my trip, man.
(SPLASHES)
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
Cherry tops, Jesus.
(SIREN BLARING)
It's the man!
Tardiness, disobeyance
of lunch-room procedure,
spray painting "Steely Phil"
on the playground dumpster,
and rank insouciance.
What do you have
to say for yourself?
(GROANING)
If you're done
reciting my credits,
I got some
shoplifting to do.
Young man,
I'm beginning to wonder
if you want to
finish grade school.
"Young man,
I'm beginning to wonder
"if you want to
finish grade school."
Pardon me?
"Pardon me?"
Stop repeating what I say!
"Stop repeating what I say!"
That's it!
"That's it!"
Young man,
are you looking
for trouble?
Maybe.
What do you got?
All right. This is
your final warning.
Either you straighten up
and fly right,
or I'll be forced to
dismiss you from P.S. 118.
Report to detention
after the final bell.
Report this, Wartz.
(ALARM BLARING)
That's it.
I'm calling his parents.
Grandpa, I need
to talk to you.
Lay it on me.
Principal Wartz called.
He said you're
in big trouble.
That you're this far
from being expelled.
What does he know?
He's just an old fart.
Grandpa!
Make your point,
Arnold. I'm busy.
Grandpa,
what happened?
You were
doing great.
You were passing
all your tests.
Don't you want
to get your diploma?
Forget it, short man,
I'm through with school.
I'm chucking the whole
education thing.
But you're so close.
What about your dream?
I woke up.
Why are you doing this?
Why are you
skipping school
and acting tough
and getting in trouble?
GRANDPA: 'Cause
'Cause why?
GRANDPA: Because.
Because why, Grandpa?
I want to know why.
And I want
to know right now.
Because I'm scared.
I'm scared, okay?
Scared of what?
That I can't do it.
That I'll fail.
You should've told me.
I can help you.
We can hit
the books.
We can do it.
I promise.
You can pass
the sixth grade, Grandpa.
I don't know, short man.
Sixth grade is
so tough and scary.
And all those
big words and numbers!
It's your dream,
Grandpa.
My dream.
A grade-school diploma.
You want that diploma.
I want that diploma.
Louder.
You want that diploma.
(YELLING)
I want that diploma!
Let's get it.
Right after my nap!
ARNOLD: Capital
of Minnesota?
Duluth.
Principal export?
Bob Dylan.
No. Cheese.
Chief industry.
Steel and
steel by-products.
State motto?
Melts in your mouth
and not in your hand.
The sum of the square root
of any two sides
of an isosceles triangle
is equal to the square root
of the remaining side.
In your face, Wartz.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Please.
I passed?
I'm as surprised as you are.
Congratulations, Phil!
Don't hug me.
Oh, okay.
Oh, what the heck?
Come here, you.
(ALL CHEERING)
You did it, Grandpa.
You graduated.
Thanks to you,
short man.
So, what's next?
You gonna try
for your junior high
and high school diploma?
High school?
That's for losers.
I don't have time
for that anyway.
I've got to
run for President.
Grandpa, you can't
just run for President.
Nah.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should
start small,
like assemblyman
or alderman.
Ah,
the heck with it.
I'm running
for President.
And, Pookie, you can
be my campaign manager.
What's our slogan?
GRANDMA: Melts
in your mouth,
not in your hands.
GRANDPA: Pookie,
you're fired.
Arnold, you're
my new campaign manager.
ARNOLD: Grandpa
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
MR. SIMMONS: Class, today
we are going to embark on
a very special adventure.
An adventure that will
teach us the meaning
of both teamwork
and responsibility.
Your mission,
along with your partner,
is to take care of
one of these unique
and special eggs
for an entire weekend.
Then, come Monday morning,
you are to bring the egg
back to class
in prime condition.
That means, no cracks,
no dirt, no hard-boiled.
Why would we
want to take care
of a stupid egg for?
I think
the purpose of the egg
in the classic experiment
Mr. Simmons is proposing
is that of
symbolic representation.
It's a type of
surrogate baby, if you will.
And we students will
play the role of parents.
Aw, this is gonna be
like being married, isn't it?
Remember, boys and girls.
One partner must have
the egg with them
at all times.
The egg should be
a mutual responsibility
with caregivers
making joint decisions.
Who's ready
to pick partners?
Rhonda?
Okay.
But I better
get someone good.
(SCOFFS) Great.
I got Harold.
Come on, Rhonda.
You know
you like me.
Where in the world
would you get
a ridiculous idea like that?
Remember that time
at the cheese festival
when you jumped
(SHUSHES)
I told you never to
mention that night
ever again.
I got Helga.
Oh, Arnold!
At last, my twisted
girlhood fantasies
have become reality.
An entire weekend
alone with you
in mock marital bliss
raising our love-child,
all the while nurturing
our own delicate relationship.
Oh, my darling.
My pretend husband,
I won't waste
another moment of this
most glorious opportunity
on petty mockings
and sarcastic tongue-lashing.
I'll prove to you
for once and for all,
how much
I truly love you
by forcing myself
to be nice.
And I'll treat our baby,
or tiny unhatched
egg as it were,
with the utmost
tenderness and care.
(SIGHING)
This is
your chance, Helga.
Don't blow it.
Boy, Arnold,
you sure got gypped.
Picking Helga
for that egg thing.
Aw, she's such a grumpy
old meanie mouse,
and she hates you.
Always calling you names
and picking on you.
I know.
But I have a plan.
I've decided that for once,
I'm not gonna let Helga
jump all over me.
I'm just gonna
lay down the law
and tell her
that I'm not gonna
take any of her bullying.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Arnold,
there you are.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Look, Helga,
before you say anything,
I just want to
let you know
I've been thinking
and if we're gonna
have to work together
on this egg project thing,
then we are
gonna have to set
a few ground rules first.
Oh, yeah,
I've been thinking, too.
And there's no reason
why we can't try
By ground rules, I mean,
no yelling at me,
no insulting me
like calling me
"football head"
and no complaining.
Right. That's exactly
what I'm trying to tell you.
'Cause, if I'm being
perfectly honest,
you're pretty much
the last person
that I want to pretend
to be married to.
In fact, I'd rather be paired
with just about anybody else
on the planet.
But I
I mean, I know
you don't like me
and, frankly, you're not
my favorite person either.
I'd much rather
have been teamed up
with somebody else.
You know, somebody
I get along with better.
Like Lila,
for example.
As long as we have
to do this project together,
I'm willing to
try and put
our differences aside
and work together
responsibly.
What do you say?
I say
I say
Don't get mad.
Don't get mad!
Remember, this is
your chance to be nice!
I say, I think
you're a big, dumb jerk.
You're right. I didn't want
to be your partner, either.
I don't know
why anybody would
want to be partners
with a dopey
football head like you.
You're always walking around
with your head in the clouds.
At least, I'm not always
yelling at everybody
and scowling all the time.
Hey, the only time
I yell and scowl,
is when I'm
hanging around you.
Well, maybe you shouldn't
hang around me, then.
Me? Hang around you?
(CHUCKLES) That's a laugh.
Why on earth
would I ever want to
hang around with you?
Okay, why don't
we do this?
I'll take the egg
home tonight.
I'll drop it off
at your house tomorrow night.
And you bring it back
to school on Monday.
We don't have
to see each other
or talk to
each other at all.
Fine!
Okay,
give me the egg.
Uh-oh.
What do you mean,
"uh-oh"?
Don't tell me
you lost the egg, Helga.
I didn't
lose it, Arnold.
We just must have
left it on the bus.
That's all.
What do you
mean, "we"?
Hey, we're both
responsible for it, aren't we?
Yeah. But you had it.
And you left it
on the bus.
Yeah, well, maybe if you
hadn't been yelling at me
the whole time,
I wouldn't have
forgotten it.
(SIGHS) All right.
It's no big deal.
All we gotta do
is go downtown to
the main bus station
and find our egg.
What are you
dressing it up for?
It's just an egg!
It's not just
an egg, Harold.
It's our baby,
and we are
its parents.
Aw, gee.
Harold, you are not
taking this seriously.
I don't think you
even really care
about Courtney.
I think perhaps you
should take Courtney home
with you tonight.
The two of you
need to bond.
And you better
take good care of her.
If anything happens,
I swear I
Don't worry, I won't
let nothing happen
to the stupid egg.
HELGA: Ha!
Great idea, Arnold.
How was I
supposed to know
they clean out the buses
every Friday night?
Besides,
you lost the egg.
Stop saying that!
It wasn't my fault!
Look, maybe somebody
found our egg
and took it home.
I've got an idea.
(STOMACH RUMBLING)
Aw, boy,
I'm hungry.
I gotta get
something to eat.
Oh, no!
(READING)
An hour?
I can't
wait that long.
I'll starve!
There's gotta be something
around here I can eat.
Please, please. Tell me
this isn't happening.
Don't worry, little egg.
I'm not going to eat you.
I'm not gonna
eat you, okay?
(CRACKLING)
(CHOMPS)
(GULPS)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
How's my little darling
this morning?
Oh, I'm fine!
Not you, Harold.
I'm talking about Courtney.
Courtney? Huh?
Oh, Courtney is just
Oh! She's fine.
Yeah, she's great.
Just great.
Good, because I'm coming over
in one hour to pick her up.
I want to take her shopping.
Au revoir.
A flyer
for a lost egg?
(SCOFFS)
Great idea.
You want
our egg back,
don't you?
HELGA: (SIGHING)
Brother.
We've been sitting here
for four hours.
Face it,
your flyer idea stinks.
At least I'm trying to
find the egg that you lost.
I told you
to stop saying that!
And you're not
trying to find the egg,
you're sitting on your butt,
waiting for a phone call
that is never
gonna come.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello. You found it?
That's great!
Told you.
Yeah, sure.
We'll bring
the reward money.
(KNOCKING)
You got the money?
You got the egg?
First the money.
Then you get the egg.
This isn't our egg.
Ow!
Nice try, buddy.
(SCOFFS) I knew
your stupid plan
wouldn't work.
Oh, Arnold. I've been
looking for you.
Some lady called.
She found your egg.
I made Suzie
write down the address.
Thanks,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Hey, wait!
What about my reward?
What did you do, Harold?
Nothing.
Harold, this is
not our egg.
This, I don't even know
what this is.
What did you do
with Courtney?
Uh, I
(CRYING)
I was hungry!
You ate our baby?
(BELCHES)
I can't believe
we actually got it back.
Me neither.
Now hand it over.
You kidding? You're
the one who lost it
in the first place. Remember?
I'm really,
really sorry.
I know it was bad
that I ate our first baby,
but I worked
really, really hard
to put the pieces
back together
and make it look
like our Courtney.
Well, it
isn't the same.
But it is
kind of cute.
Okay, Harold.
I suppose we can
just take care
of this new baby, instead.
Look, Arnold.
I'm through messing around!
Now, give me
the stupid egg!
No way.
Come on.
You can have it
back tomorrow.
Uh-oh.
What do you mean,
"uh-oh"?
Don't tell me you
lost the egg, Arnold.
It just must
have fallen out
of my pocket.
Oh, that's
just brilliant.
There's nothing
left to do
but retrace our steps
and try to find it.
Fine.
HELGA: Okay, here we are.
Right back where we started.
We've been around the park
three stinkin' times!
And do you
have the egg? No.
Do I have the egg? No!
Hmm, let's see.
Why don't either of us
have the egg?
Oh, that's right.
Because you lost it!
Enough, Helga.
All you've been doing
since we started
is yelling
and arguing with me.
Oh, don't put this
on me, football head.
When we started out
on the bus,
all I was trying to do
was be nice
and get along with you.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
But you didn't even
give me a chance.
You jumped
all over me.
You said, "I'd rather work
with anybody else
"on the planet but you."
And ever since then,
all we've done is argue!
You started it,
Arnold. Not me.
Well, can you
blame me?
I mean,
most of the time
you're just mean.
Anyway, arguing hasn't
gotten us anywhere.
And to tell you the truth,
I'm just sick of it.
I'm willing to apologize,
if you are.
Truce?
Okay, I'm sorry, too.
(RUSTLING)
Wait a minute.
Do you hear something?
Our egg!
Helga,
it's hatching.
(CRACKLING)
(BIRD CHIRPING)
So after we finally
stopped fighting and arguing,
we found our egg
and it hatched
into this little chick.
Oh, Arnold, Helga.
That is the most
inspirational story
I have ever heard.
You two
have shown us
that teamwork
and responsibility
can indeed bring
very special rewards.
Even miracles.
I'm in awe.
HELGA: Come on,
get a grip, Simmons.
The only miracle
around here
is that I survived
an entire weekend
with football head.
Oh, and I suppose
hanging around with you
was some kind of treat?
Oh, please,
Arnoldo.
You would have
been lost without me.
and you know it.
ARNOLD: (LAUGHS)
In your dreams, Helga.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)