It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e08 Episode Script

Oh, it's just so doggone thin.
- Oh, it's incredibly thin.
- Yeah, it's thin, sure, but I got to say, I don't care for it.
Charlie, the thinner the TV, the better the TV.
- That's just a straight-up fact.
- Guys, guys, guys! Check it out.
We got a review in the paper.
No way! Is it a good review? "The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm".
- All right, it's a good review.
- That's a good start.
- "It has none".
- Uh-oh, are you serious? "There was an ominous feeling that you could get stabbed at - any moment".
That's good, right? - How is that good? That's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate.
But, while danger may linger, I'm the levelheaded bouncer that keeps violence in check, like Swayze in Roadhouse.
I'm the cooler.
In check? There have been many stabbings in here.
- I feel unsafe here every single day.
- Oh, very often.
Well, stabbings have been down, though.
Read some more.
"When I ordered a glass of wine, not only did the surly white trash waitress refuse to make it, but she proceed to call me a word that I cannot print in this paper".
- Surly? - "I was forced to listen to the three classless bores who call themselves the owners get drunk and yell over each other all night".
Classless bores? I am not a classless bore.
Well, I am not white trash.
I am a kind and a generous and a good-natured lady.
Well, I I do seem to remember you calling a guy a faggot.
Yeah, I absolutely called him a faggot, but he ordered chardonnay.
What was I supposed to do? "Having reviewed every bar in Philadelphia, I hereby officially declare Paddy's Pub to be the worst bar in Philly".
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x08 Hi.
Are you Mr.
Lyle Corman? - Yes, can I help you? - Good, nice to meet you.
We're here from Paddy's Pub, and we have come down to give you the opportunity to give us another chance.
Yeah, here's the thing.
We felt that your first review was just a - tiny bit off base.
- Yeah, as you can see, we're not white trash.
Huh, really? Well, uh, then, in that case, can you ask your friend to put down that hammer, please? Uh, yeah, don't let the hammer throw you, Corman.
We are classy, interesting people.
Okay, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Well, don't be rude.
We just came to have a talk, so This is a private I'm gonna have to get security.
Okay, we can play it that way, Corman.
But you should know that we would have no problem suing you.
Suing me? What are you gonna sue me for? Uh, libel, slander.
There's two of the big dogs right there.
It's only libel if what I write is false.
You know what, buddy, we will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers, you won't know what to do with yourself.
I'll have you know, we have a team of lawyers on retainer just to deal with people like you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, check this out.
- You're all out of time, bitch.
- Boom.
- You just got fazed.
- This just in, Poo-Poo Pants.
People don't read newspapers anymore.
How's that for class? Nice, brand-new Blu-Ray DVD player, all hooked up.
- Hey, all right.
- Where are we gonna put it? We need like a flat surface.
Here we go.
You know what, we'll just we'll dangle it.
That looks better.
We're not dangling anything.
That's very white trash.
What is the point of having all this expensive new status symbol stuff if we're just gonna make it look terrible? Hey, you guys want to see something? What? I did something.
Holy shit.
What? You kidnapped Corman? I don't really know what happened, okay? First, I was angry.
Then, I was drinking.
Next thing I know, I'm following this guy home and forcing him - into the trunk of his own car.
- Jesus Christ, this is bad.
- Really bad.
- Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Relax, I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay, so he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone.
But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been, and plus, he just heard everything you just said.
Okay, maybe we can just release him, and that way, this won't be a kidnapping.
First things first.
Let's just get him out of the trunk; let's get him into the bar; and then let's figure out what we need to do.
How are we gonna get him in the bar without anyone seeing him? Easy, we roll him up in a rug.
- Where are we gonna get a rug? - We buy a big Oriental rug, and we roll him up in it.
Do you have any idea how expensive rugs are, Charlie? - Yeah, especially Oriental rugs.
- No, no rugs.
Just get him out of the car and into the bar, Charlie.
Help me get him out of the trunk.
Okay, so we're we're really sorry about this, Mr.
Corman.
Watch your head.
You're gonna be okay.
It's not a kidnapping, so Oh, goddamn it.
Okay, I think we're on the same page.
- This is not a kidnapping.
- No! No, okay, all right.
But we do need to keep him here for a couple of hours - so he doesn't do anything irrational.
- Just borrowing him.
go to the police.
That being said, let's take a few precautions here, okay? We need to cover our tracks.
Why don't we shoot over to Corman's place and make sure that Charlie left without a trace.
I'm pretty sure Charlie left with a trace.
- He probably did.
- That's a good idea.
Okay, and I'll use my cooling abilities to smooth things over - with Corman, and then that - Jesus Christ.
Are you still going on and on about being a cooler? - Shut up.
- The cooler thing isn't helping now.
Just get into the bar, and make sure Charlie doesn't do anything stupid.
Okay, but can we establish that I'm the cooler? - Oh, my God! - Get into the bar.
We're surrounded by idiots.
Look, this really isn't necessary.
You don't have to tape me I'm sorry, man, but this is the situation we're in, and I just feel like this is the best thing to do here.
Jesus Christ, dude, what are you doing? You can't tape him up like that.
Come on, man.
I mean, the guy gets my goat, man.
He sits around all day.
He judges people with his words and his fancy newspaper talk.
It's bullshit! What is it that you people want? Well, I'll tell you, Mr.
Fancy Pants Writer Man.
I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know, and this time, maybe add a few less lies.
How can I write a new review if I am taped to a chair? Come on, man.
See, he's twisting everything I say around.
He's making me look like an asshole.
Okay, look, look.
Nobody has to write anything against their will, okay? Thank you.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- I have to pee.
- Okay, sidebar.
How is he gonna pee if his hands are taped down? I don't care.
Let him piss in his pants.
No, he can't piss in his pants, Charlie! I don't know why you're so in love with this guy.
I just don't want to get arrested for kidnapping.
- If we just untie him for a second.
- Not gonna work.
I used the last of the tape.
If you untie him, that tape's not gonna stick back up.
Go down to the basement.
See if there's any more tape.
I'll take him to the bathroom.
I'll defuse the situation.
- Fine.
- Play it cool.
- Play it cool.
- Play it cool.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr.
Corman.
I saw that! I saw that! I saw that! You're out of here, bro.
What are you doing? What, I'm packing to make it look like Corman went on a vacation.
Yeah, but you're all over the place.
You just put in a tropical shirt, and now two heavy coats? I mean, is he going to Cancun or Canada? You gotta pay attention to the details.
- This is how people get caught.
- Ah, shit, you're right.
I'm leaving a trace.
Okay no, no, no, no.
He's probably under a lot of pressure with the deadlines from the newspaper.
- He should relax.
- Go someplace tropical? - Cancun then.
Perfect.
- Tropical.
You know what I'll do? I will put an outgoing message on his answering machine.
- That is good thinking, sis.
- We're pretty good at this.
We are pretty damn good at this.
We're learning.
Greeting one.
Hi, this is Mehar.
Sorry I missed your call.
Please leave a message after the beep.
Peace.
That did not sound like Corman.
Who are you people? - Friends with Corman.
- Yeah.
Mr.
Corman lives across the hall.
- Oh, does he? - Does he? Where is he? This is ridiculous.
- I really have to pee.
- I hear ya, bro.
Now, back to the cooler conversation that we were having earlier.
I feel like in your article, you missed an opportunity to mention my bouncing abilities.
Okay? Now, it's really more about smarts than anything else.
For example, if there was an altercation in this bathroom, I would blast in looking to neutralize, yeah? Now, I would check out my environment, and I would look to see if there's anything that I could use to my advantage.
Like this pool cue.
Here we go.
Okay, normally, that wouldn't happen unless I wanted it to.
'Cause I could fire it right in your chest.
'Cause I got skills to do that.
Dude, there's like no tape anywhere.
All I could scrounge up was a bandana.
No, that's too small.
Oh, I could wear it though! I should wear it.
I know, but I found it, so I sort of feel like No, I appreciate you looking for me and finding it for me.
No, hang on a second.
that got me to the point of me getting the bandana.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Just please get me out of this bathroom before I vomit.
It is absolutely disgusting.
Well, excuse me, Mr.
Man.
But I happen to think this bathroom is pristine because I work very hard cleaning it.
In fact it's so clean I would say you could eat out of these urinals.
No, you absolutely could not eat out of these urinals.
- Oh, really? What's this? - Charlie, don't.
Char Oh, my God, dude! Bro, I really I just pissed in there, - like five minutes before you came in.
- Don't say that.
- Now you're gonna make me look bad.
- Spit it out, man.
You're gonna eat it? - You're still chewing it.
- I have to prove a point! All right, all right.
Just let me go to the bathroom.
I will write the review.
I'll do whatever you want.
I promise.
Well, now that wasn't so hard, was it? Great.
Awesome.
Well, I think that we're we're in good shape then.
How are we gonna do this? Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his Whoa, dude! I'm not touching his dick.
Well, Charlie, you're the one that used all the tape.
Well, I was comfortable with letting him piss in his pants.
Well, all right, fine.
Then compromise.
We'll both do it.
That way it's equally weird for both of us.
No, no, no.
Fine.
Just-just untape me.
Please.
No.
Oh, no.
No! No! Can I bring something up? - Did he get a little bit hard on us? - Can we not talk about this? I just felt like you got a little bit It was very weird.
- Well, why did it move?! - Hey, guys! - We got a problem.
- We did something.
- Oh, man! - Oh, man! What happened, dude? Well, there was this a slight mix-up with the apartments.
This is Corman's neighbor Mehar.
What happened to doing this without a trace? Well, it-it's a long story, but the punch line is that - he starting asking questions - I asked one question.
- Shut up! - No, you asked a lot of questions.
All right, well, let's not have him ask more questions.
Let's just keep him in the trunk for now.
You can't kidnap more people to cover up the original kidnapping.
- It's a classic mistake.
- I'm sorry I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping.
- Help! - We gotta get him inside.
- It's probably very hot in there.
- There's another bit of an issue, which is that I locked the keys in the trunk just now.
- What?! - Yeah.
- Are you kidding me? - Well, I didn't want to bring that up.
Goddamn it, Charlie! This is what we're gonna do.
You guys deal with the situation out here.
Let's go talk to Corman.
He's writing that new review.
Okay, 'cause I don't want to see that man right now.
- We don't really want - Because we had a whole thing.
What happened? Something happened.
None of your business.
- Thank you very much.
- We had a thing amongst the - Let's just go inside.
- Can you just please.
How long do you think we can hold that inside? It's burning me up inside.
It's burning me up.
There he is.
Our little typer.
- Type, type, typing away.
- Don't mean to disturb ya.
Oh, you're not disturbing me at all.
It's great to see you two again.
I get it.
I get it.
- You are too much, huh? - You're being a smart-aleck.
- You are.
- Glad your spirits are still up.
Listen, we wanted to come in and just let you know we're sorry about this whole tie-up-and-hold-you-here thing.
We didn't have anything to do with it.
No, that wasn't us.
That was somebody else's idea.
- Not our idea.
- You know what I'm saying? Now if there's anything though that we can do, - since we are in this situation - Absolutely, together we are.
- you want to let us know.
- Anything at all.
Yeah, how about, uh, letting me go.
There he goes again.
- I didn't know he was so funny.
- I didn't know he was gonna ask for food or something.
Is there something else we can get you though? 'Cause clearly, you know, we can't All right, a glass of white wine, maybe a chardonnay.
- Now you're talking.
- You like white wine.
I know that.
Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that? Boom! You got fazed again, Corman.
You can't just tee her up and expect her not to take a swing at you, right? - Can't blame her for that one.
- Can't blame her for that one.
Hey, since you are writing a new review, uh, is there anything I can do to help you out with it? Uh, you want to fire a couple questions my way? - No, I think I'm fine.
- Okay.
Yeah, hey, no problem, man.
I just want to just want to make sure you got the total picture on me 'cause I do drive a Range Rover.
- Gas guzzler.
- Well, not on the highway.
Okay.
Yeah, it's very classy vehicle, though.
What do you want me to say? What do I want you to say? I don't know, "Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome.
Your flat screen TV I took a look at it.
It's very, very thin.
It speaks volumes about you as a person".
I don't know; give me something I can work with, Corman.
All right, Dennis.
Here's the deal.
I didn't feel like opening up a bottle of wine so I brought you some scotch 'cause I feel like that's what writers should drink.
Hey, some top-shelf scotch.
Uh, I don't drink scotch.
Well, you don't have to be a dick about it.
Got a real chip on her shoulder, this one.
If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative.
The headline might be: "Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy".
Faggy? You mind if I just took a quick peek at your new review there? - Uh, but I haven't - That's okay.
That's okay.
I know you're not finished.
I just want to see what direction we're headed in there, buddy.
What's it say? It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.
It is? You jam in further though.
This is Unlock the bottom.
I'm going for whatever's down there and, um, it won't catch on to anything is the problem, man.
Damn it, dude.
I feel like this should be easier! People break into cars all the time.
You know, a piece of me wants to chalk this whole guy-in-the-trunk thing up to a loss right now, dude.
We can't do that, bro.
We gotta get him out of the car.
Well, then why don't you just let me take the hammer and smash the window and we'll just pop the trunk.
Charlie, if we're gonna smash the window, I would simply do it with a roundhouse kick.
Oh, come on, you're not gonna be able to break this window with a roundhouse kick.
Let's get serious here.
Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.
Help! Please let me out.
I have to get home.
I have a cat.
Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now, okay? We're doing our very best.
My cat is diabetic.
She needs her insulin shot.
Please! So we got to babysit a cat now? I can't have a dead cat's blood on my hands, man.
- That's not good.
- All right, Mac to the rescue.
Let me just back up.
I'm gonna roundhouse this.
I'm gonna kick it, and then we can get it.
Kick it, man.
All right, but back up, 'cause I don't want the glass to shatter at your face.
- All right, go.
- Guard your eyes.
- Oh, no! - Shit, dude! Shit! There is a slope in the ground, and I didn't I wasn't, I wasn't calibrating that great.
You just totally broke this mirror, bro.
Well, it's the bullshit street.
We gotta get that zoning people out here.
I don't think it's the street, bro.
Don't touch the window, all right? I'll do that when I get back.
I gonna grab his cat with Dennis' car.
I'll be back.
Learn how to kick.
Take one karate class if you're so into karate, you know? That is a really, really nice setup.
Now, if he doesn't go for that, he's just a straight-up retard.
- I mean, that's all there is to it.
- Hey, buddy.
Oh, hey, pal.
Oh, check out this new setup, man.
This is going to be our golden ticket, man.
This is really going to get us somewhere.
Hey, man, do you see any hypodermic needles laying around? - What the hell is that? - Mehar's cat.
Diabetic.
Now a diabetic cat is in play? Jesus, we can't catch a break.
- I know, tell me about it.
- Nice and easy now.
Jesus Christ, Charlie! You broke the window? Dude, the guy had to take a dump.
What was I supposed to do? Wait, he's all tied up.
How did you? Let's not talk about how it happened, okay? It just happened.
- Give him his cat.
- Dude, your cat's freaking out! That's not my cat.
- No, Dee.
- What the hell you doin', Dee? What's Mehar doing here? - What are you doing with my cat?! - Your cat?! - Yes! What is going on? - Mr.
Corman, why are they doing this? No, no, no.
Get out of here! Give him his cat and get him back in the office.
Jesus Christ, oh, this is bad.
This is bad, man.
This is really bad.
You guys, this is bad.
What are we gonna do? We gotta come up with a plan fast! Go it! Ready? Here's the plan.
I've been thinking about this.
Okay, we give them amnesia.
It's so easy, here how you do it.
You smash them both over the head with a bottle.
They go down like a ton of bricks, okay? Then we drag them back to their apartments, we put them in their beds, you know? We set their clocks back.
We get yesterday's newspaper.
We put it on their front doorstep.
They wake up thinking it was all a dream.
- That's so goddamn stupid! - What?! It's so stupid.
Mac, please tell me you got something.
- I say we bribe them.
- A bribe.
- We bribe them.
- A good, old-fashioned bribe.
No, that's not gonna work, you know why? Corman's not gonna go for that.
He's, like, made of stone or something.
Oh, Mehar! Let's bribe Mehar.
- He'd go for it.
- Yeah, Mehar could work.
But I did notice that the kidnapping has rubbed him the wrong way.
So whatever we bribe him with, it's got to be worth a lot of money.
Yeah, he's gonna want something good for sure.
For sure.
Jesus Christ, no.
Hey, thanks a lot for taking home Corman's cat.
And good luck with your sick cat.
Goddamn it, this is bullshit.
All right, let's go talk to Corman.
Hold on there, Corman.
- Where are you going, buddy? - Where are you going? You're not going very fast.
You're just wasting a lot of energy.
Stop.
Okay, all right.
Listen, man, we got a proposal for you, okay? Yeah, now we are willing to not force you to write that review if you are willing to step up, do the right thing and - not tell anybody that this happened.
- I don't care.
Whatever it takes to get me out of this bar - away from you people.
- My man.
That is the attitude we were waiting for the whole time.
That's right, man.
Where's this guy been? Now, let's talk about the elephant in the room.
Let's talk about the pressing charges.
Yeah, we're gonna need you to sign something.
- Fine.
Whatever it takes.
- I can't believe you guys are gonna try and cut a deal with this weasel.
The guy's a liar! He lied to us, man.
He said he was going to write a review, he didn't do that.
I touch his dick.
Mac, we touched his dick.
Now is not the time to talk about that.
- Why were you guys touching his dick? - There wasn't enough tape and - So you touched his dick?! - Move past it.
Let's plow through it.
Okay, Mr.
Corman, why don't you just go ahead and sign this.
And then I'll fill in the blanks later.
Then that way, we'll have a confession, it'll be great.
And there you go.
Okay, now, let me just get this tape off you, and you could be on your way.
Now, we won't charge you for the duct tape.
That was a joke.
Shit, bro! What are you doing, dude?! I really don't like this guy.
- You're an idiot! - Well, we'll see who's the idiot when he wakes up tomorrow and doesn't remember a thing.
I don't think that's how it works, Charlie.
- It's definitely not how it works, man.
- Oh, my God! We may as well embrace the amnesia angle, because we have - no other options at this point.
- Well, now! Okay, I'll go get yesterday's newspaper.
Okay, you guys ready? One, two, three.
And I'll take With me the memories To be my sunshine After the rain It's so hard To say good-bye To yesterday I ran out.
I ran out of breath.
Check it out.
What you got there, Ernie? Oh, it's a new review by Corman.
"I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills, and my nightmare in that putrid, shithole of a bar, Paddy's Pub, finally, mercifully came to an end.
The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that violent establishment is a decidedly great punishment.
That is why I decided to not press charges leaving 'em to live in the hell on earth that they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives.
- Really cold what he's been writing.
- It's wrotten there.
- Not a good review.
- No, it's not a good review.
Right for the throw.
At least, he didn't mention our names.
No charges, no names.
I don't know why, but I'm a little irritated that - he didn't mention our names.
- I feel like he'd to mentien our names.
I increadibly annoid that he didn't mention our names.
I whish I can live with this but I can't.
It's a history about us! - I feel like we go talk to him, again.
- We should talk to him.
- We're capable of being civils, right ? - Let's just, you know Communication is the key, it make sens.
Uh, my hammer again.