Life in Pieces (2015) s04e08 Episode Script
Xbox Glimpse Spotlight
1 (PHONE CHIMES) Sam texted us an "X.
" What does that mean? Our deal with the kids.
Tim, if they ever need an emergency ride home, all they have to do is text an "X," an address, we go pick them up, no questions asked.
Where is my good bra? Can I go like this? I feel like this is good.
She's never texted us an "X" before.
What do you think that means? I don't know.
It sounds dirty.
I mean, that might just be 'cause of the "X.
" Maybe we should've called it "Come and Get Me.
" 'Cause that can't sound sexual unless they said, like (BREATHILY): "Come and get me.
" But why would they say that? Stop it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- (DOOR OPENS) - SOPHIA: Mom? I had a bad dream you were abandoning me in the middle of the Oh, no.
Oh, shoot.
Somebody needs to stay here for Sophia.
You stay.
- No, you.
- Oh, Tim.
This is even worse than being abandoned.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, I'm not gonna ask any questions, but why are you wet? - That's a question, Mom.
- I know, I know.
I hear that now.
- Can we just go? - Well, you just asked a question.
- Mom.
- Okay, fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
The "X" text sucks.
Okay? I'm sorry.
Somebody gets into your car soaking wet, you want to know why.
Right? This is still America.
You're not the only one who had a rough night, you know.
I fell asleep eating kale chips.
They're that boring.
(SIGHS) Tim, I just I-I can't do this.
I need to know what happened last night.
- So ask Sam.
- No.
Because if I ask her, she won't text us next time because she'll never trust us again.
- I'm sure she's fine now.
- (SIGHS) That's where her dreams are supposed to go.
HEATHER: Hey, guys.
What you up to? Well, we're actually having our first real struggle about where we want to be in our lives.
Yeah, so, I need a favor from the two of you.
Last night, Sam texted Dad and me an "X.
" Oh, yeah, we know.
- She told us all about it.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay, 'cause, I mean, she told me a lot.
Like, you know, she told me all about the pool stuff.
- Right? - Yeah, I can't comment as to whether there was or was not a pool.
- Okay.
- Do I need to remind you about the "X" text rules? No, you do not, because the rules are that I can't ask the texter, but I can ask other people.
Yeah, I think you would agree that that's a liberal interpretation of the rules.
I would agree that you live here rent-free.
- Look, Mom, I understand how you feel.
- (HEATHER SIGHS) But the important thing is that Sam is fine.
Yeah.
Well she will be.
That is all that Clementine has to say at this time.
What? (DOOR OPENS) - What are you doing? - Shh! (WHISPERING): I'm trying to unlock Sam's phone using facial recognition so that I can get into her social media, find out what happened.
- You can't do that.
- I know.
She's sleeping on her stomach.
You got to flip her over.
Gently.
Just (WHIMPERS) - Aw.
- Oh.
God, I remember when I used to pick her up from school and she would talk the entire way home.
She would tell me every detail.
Who she liked, who was mean, who cried, who threw up.
It's Sam.
If she wants to talk to us, she will.
- I know.
- Come on.
(SIGHS) Okay, no, no, no, no.
Heather, don't.
Oh.
I'm gonna go see if Tyler wants to cuddle.
Clementine always makes it weird.
I love you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you I feel lucky to have a mom like you.
- Oh.
- I was worried you were going to badger me about the party and ask everyone in the family a million questions, like, never let it die.
(LAUGHS) Right.
That would never happen, okay? This is me that we're talking about, right? Well, thank you.
'Cause tons of people got in trouble.
A bunch of college kids got put on probation.
What a party.
- You have no idea.
- Mmm.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(VOICE BREAKING): Oh, God.
(CRYING) Thank you.
I'm glad you could use Heather's ticket.
It's really cool that I called to invite Matt and you invited yourself instead.
I know.
It really pays off to answer your husband's phone and read his texts.
Well, we're gonna have fun tonight.
- I love these French circus shows.
- Oh, me, too.
I just want to lose myself in the acrobatic fantasy and forget who I am for one night.
You're not gonna talk like that through the whole show, are you? Damn it.
- Damn it! - What happened? Did you see an ex-girlfriend? Kind of.
Your poutine.
French fries, cheese curds and gravy.
Everything I love.
Oh, and that you can't eat anymore.
Since the heart surgery, everything I eat is just steamed sadness.
I am so sorry.
I'll go eat it quickly over a garbage can.
Oh, my favorite way to eat it.
Ooh.
- Let me just have one bite.
- I don't think I should.
Come on, I'm a big boy.
I can handle a little poutine.
Oh.
- Mmm.
- Okay, that's enough.
(LAUGHS): Oh, you're gonna have to get two of these.
It's gonna be a great night.
Oh! Poutine! Why have you forsaken me? (EXHALES) - You okay? - Oh, yeah.
I just like to sit real still during these shows.
Clap with my eyes.
- Okay.
- (APPLAUSE) Oh, I love this.
French clowns are so much better than American clowns because they're mean.
(STOMACH GURGLES) Oh.
I think I need to leave something in the bathroom.
(GASPS) No, no, no, no, not now.
They're gonna come in the audience and pick somebody.
I hope it's us.
If you look too eager, they will not pick you, - so look away.
- Got it.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm too eager.
I-I got something going on with my stomach.
Oh.
Lève-to ma ma mootee, eh? But that's not even French.
You can understand me.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SIGHS) Jealous.
(GROANS) - Please, just let me go back.
- (CHUCKLES) (DRUMROLL) (GASPS) No.
No, no, you got to pick somebody else.
There's something going on inside me.
Yves Saint Laurent.
That's just a handbag designer! Oh, God.
Wait a second, wait a second.
This is not this is not a good plan.
We need a different plan.
God, please No! Bonjour.
(CHUCKLES) Bonjour.
No, no, no, I have to go to the bathroom! Don't do this to me! (SCOFFS) - (CHUCKLES) Mmm.
- Mmm.
Merci.
Oh, God, not here.
Not like this.
(FRENCH ACCENT): Key? No.
- Mind over matter.
- (CLACKING) MAGICIAN CLOWN: No.
You don't have to go.
(STRAINED): Oh, yes, you do! Ooh, I got to go, I got to go, I got to go.
(GROANS) What's taking so long? This is not a good trick! (LAUGHTER) No.
Uh, maybe, uh, this key.
Ah, j'adore Ratatouille, hmm? (SCOFFS) That's it.
I'm taking a picture.
(CHUCKLES) Cheese.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh! Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Oh.
(GRUNTS) Je t'aime, oh là là .
It's Tim, from the box.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Ouais.
- Ouais.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MUTTERING) (GASPS) Shut up.
No, you didn't.
(PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES) - Tim? - Heather, it's Tim.
I need help.
I've been locked in a box by French clowns, and I have diarrhea.
Okay, okay, all right.
Well, calm down.
I'm afraid I'm gonna let loose in front of this whole theater.
They're never gonna be able to use this box again.
I don't know how much longer I can hold it.
Oh, here comes another contraction! Heather, you got to help me.
Oh, Tim, honey, I would, but I can't right now.
I'm having wine with Jen.
Hi, Tim.
Hi, Jen.
I'm in a box with diarrhea.
Yeah.
Yeah, I heard.
So, honey, what-what do you want me to do? Just call the theater.
Tell them to end the trick.
I think by the time I do that, you know, the trick will probably be over.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have eaten the poutine.
Oh, Tim, you broke your diet.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Uh did you just text me an "X"? Yeah.
Come get me.
No questions asked.
(CHUCKLES) (GASPING) I'm dead on the floor.
- (EXHALES) - (LAUGHS) Dear God, if you get me through this, I swear I'll only eat healthy for the rest of my life.
- (GRUNTING) - (BUZZING) (EXAGGERATED STAMMERING) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) Please, Father, use your gentle hand to hold this inside me.
- Hey! - Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (GROANING) Bravo! Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
But wasn't he supposed to sit down in his seat? (AMERICAN ACCENT): Yep.
That's not good.
Oh, oh! Everybody out of the way! (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) So close.
(SIGHS) (TALIA CRYING) Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! - Ta-da! Ta-da! - Hi, sweetie.
- Ta-da! - You okay? Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm just, you know, exhausted, and the baby's starving.
- And I don't know what Lark is doing.
- Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! - Ta-da! - You know what, go upstairs to Greg's old room, breastfeed, and sleep.
John and I will take care of Lark.
Oh, really? Thank you so much.
You know, I know I complain about these brunches, but I'm just so lucky to be part of such a close family.
(TALIA CRYING) You complain about these brunches? Who said that? Yeah.
Honey, what's the matter? What is it? I just saw Jen's boob.
What? How? Well, I-I had to go to the bathroom, so I use the one up in Greg's room.
And Jen was there, asleep.
And it was out.
So she doesn't even know.
That's wonderful.
But No.
But she will know.
I've got to tell her.
No, no, no, no, no.
Trust me.
Don't tell her.
You'll only embarrass her.
(STAMMERS) But the world is changing.
I need to get out in front of this.
You see something, you say something.
Dear, that's at the airport.
Just let this go.
Nothing catching your eye? No, uh, uh, not even looking.
Oh.
Well, I don't blame you.
Colleen brought a peanut butter and jelly frittata.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I like my 'tatas plain and simple.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I don't think I'm really hungry.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, by the way, thank you for watching my girls.
You know, you and Joan just always do so much to make me feel welcome in this family, and-and now you've really made me feel comfortable.
I saw your boob.
What? Yeah, y-you were asleep, feeding the baby, with your boob out.
That's fine.
I mean, I breastfeed in public all the time.
It's natural.
No, no.
The feeding was over.
The baby was down, and-and the boob was up.
Like, all of it.
Oh, God.
I-I-I'm a horrible person.
No better than Tim.
Okay, look.
It was an accident.
So let's just never mention this again and forget the whole thing.
Oh.
Roger that.
It's all good, buddy.
I apologized, and Jen forgave me.
- For what? - For seeing her boob.
You saw my wife's boob? Well, that's your first mistake.
She's her own wife, not yours.
Time to evolve, Greg.
Why didn't you tell me my dad saw your boob? - Oh.
You already told him.
- Mm.
John, I thought you were letting this go.
JEN: Oh.
He told you, too.
Fun.
Calm down.
I told Joanie before you.
And I told you not to tell her.
JEN: Mm-hmm.
Okay, I need a moment alone.
Can I come? Why not? There's no such thing as privacy in this home.
Hmm.
If you want to make this better, stop embarrassing Jen.
Ooh, John! What'd you embarrass Jen about? Oh.
Wait, what's going on with you and Jen? Yeah, Dad, what happened? Something must have happened.
- What's happening? - Okay, fine.
I know she wouldn't want me telling this to you guys, but Jen saw my penis.
What?! I was upstairs feeding the baby, and she walked in.
I didn't even know.
How'd you not know? I'd fallen asleep.
Feeding the baby? - Yes.
- While your penis was out? Yes, exactly.
A-And I know it's an unlucky situation, but Jen has nothing to be embarrassed about.
HEATHER: Okay, Jen, I am so sorry about my dad.
Seriously, John? You told the entire family? Yep.
Now the whole family knows you saw my ween.
(CHUCKLES) What?! What happened in my old room? Oh, it's so weird.
John saw my boob.
While you were looking at his ween? No.
I wasn't looking at his anything, okay? I was feeding the baby, I fell asleep, and John walked in.
Then why did you tell us that she saw your Lone Ranger? - What is the matter with you? - (OTHERS TALKING) I think because he was trying to protect me from being embarrassed by I don't know, embarrassing himself.
Pretty clever, right? (CHUCKLES) So amazingly stupid.
I actually preferred it when you just told me the truth.
You know? No matter how hard it was to hear.
I also saw your boob.
I will end you, Tyler.
Does anyone in this family knock? We're not big knockers.
Sorry.
Okay.
Well, anyone else see my boob? It is the most private bathroom in the house.
(TALIA CRYING) Okay.
Well, time to feed the baby again, so anyone who missed the 11:30 show, please follow me.
Everyone stays in this room.
(KIDS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) Look at this.
Hmm? Two dads watching their kids play? - Yeah.
- It's pretty cool.
(CHUCKLES) And, hey, I know you're new at this, so if you need any dad-vice, I'm here.
(SNIFFS) Did you just say "dad-vice"? Yeah.
It's mine.
Don't use it.
Oh, oh.
Looks like a show's about to start.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
(LARK PLAYING "THREE BLIND MICE") (HITTING WRONG NOTES) (CHUCKLES QUIETLY) - She's been taking lessons.
- Yeah.
In piano? (BAD PLAYING CONTINUES) (CHEERING) JEN: Oh, you did so good, honey.
And she hit every key! I don't think you left a key untouched.
(QUIETLY): Sorry about that.
Lark casts a pretty big shadow, but give it some time.
I'm sure Lucas will find his own way to (LUCAS PLAYING "ODE TO JOY") Why didn't you tell us he could play piano? I didn't know he could play piano.
Boy, I really like how you can tell what song it is.
Yeah, it's the one from the carpet commercial.
We have carpets, indoor, outdoor Brown, beige, tan, beige, brown and white.
(MUSIC ENDS) - (LAUGHING) - Oh! Hey, Greg, let me know if you need any dad-vice.
You know, you're not even saying that the ri Well, okay, I guess that is the right way.
(PLAYING "MAPLE LEAF RAG") Oh, my gosh! Ragtime! Hey, buddy.
Guess who just learned how to play "Tiny Dancer"? Mom's favorite song.
- Yeah.
- Subtle.
Came on the radio, and he just picked it up.
Well, that's not a big deal.
That's like me and beatboxing.
Our whole M.
O.
as parents is just to nurture the nature in him.
You don't have an M.
O.
You don't even know what M.
O.
stands for.
I'll just ask Lucas.
He'll know.
Where did you find that? Oh, no, this found me.
You have been a dad for three weeks.
Well, you don't get to be the world's greatest by working slow.
(CHUCKLES) Daddy, look.
Oh, wow.
Look at this, everybody.
Lark's Eiffel Tower.
Ooh, is that perfect! I feel like I'm in Paris.
(WHISPERS): I hate the French.
Good work, Lark.
Lucas made it for me.
What's that? That's my son.
He's talented and generous.
Hey, Mommy? We are doing a great job.
Oh, my God, I love it when you call me Mommy.
- Okay, this is disgusting, all of it.
- Hey, buddy, come on, now, don't beat yourself up.
It's okay that you haven't taught your daughter to explore her creativity.
My daughter explores plenty.
Certainly looks like it.
JOAN: Oh, sweetie.
Would you like a tissue? She learned that from her mother.
Mm.
Okay, so Lark, stop picking your nose.
Okay, so, when we get out there, okay, I'm gonna hide this five of spades right here under Uncle Matt's chair, and when I say so, you grab that card and you say, "Ta-da!" Ta-da! - Yeah.
No, not yet.
- Ta-da! - Okay, I think I see what's - Ta-da! Ta-da! Uh, it is a fun word, but let's not say that word until everyone is watching, okay? MATT: What's going on here? Are you teaching Lark magic tricks to get attention? Ta-da! Look, you don't get it, man, all right? Lark had the spotlight all to herself, until someone came along and stole it from her.
You just described my entire life.
I used to be the center of attention until you were born, but I got over it.
- No, you didn't.
- But I don't bring it up.
Yes, you do, all the time.
Yeah, because it hurts giving up the spotlight.
That's why, 36 years later, you can't give it up to your own nephew.
(SIGHS) Daddy, I forgot what the word was.
Ta-da.
("NUM NUM" BY THE DNC PLAYING) When I see you, baby girl, I be like, num num We adopted a star.
I mean, was it a performing arts orphanage? I gotta have it Can I show everybody my magic trick now? Uh you know what? We're all watching Lucas dance right now.
And he's pretty great.
Thanks, man.
So is Lark.
That num num, give it to me before I start to act up Hey, Lucas, maybe when you're done, you and Lark can go out and ride bikes, huh? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Yes.
Maybe Lark can teach him.
" What does that mean? Our deal with the kids.
Tim, if they ever need an emergency ride home, all they have to do is text an "X," an address, we go pick them up, no questions asked.
Where is my good bra? Can I go like this? I feel like this is good.
She's never texted us an "X" before.
What do you think that means? I don't know.
It sounds dirty.
I mean, that might just be 'cause of the "X.
" Maybe we should've called it "Come and Get Me.
" 'Cause that can't sound sexual unless they said, like (BREATHILY): "Come and get me.
" But why would they say that? Stop it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- (DOOR OPENS) - SOPHIA: Mom? I had a bad dream you were abandoning me in the middle of the Oh, no.
Oh, shoot.
Somebody needs to stay here for Sophia.
You stay.
- No, you.
- Oh, Tim.
This is even worse than being abandoned.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Okay, I'm not gonna ask any questions, but why are you wet? - That's a question, Mom.
- I know, I know.
I hear that now.
- Can we just go? - Well, you just asked a question.
- Mom.
- Okay, fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
The "X" text sucks.
Okay? I'm sorry.
Somebody gets into your car soaking wet, you want to know why.
Right? This is still America.
You're not the only one who had a rough night, you know.
I fell asleep eating kale chips.
They're that boring.
(SIGHS) Tim, I just I-I can't do this.
I need to know what happened last night.
- So ask Sam.
- No.
Because if I ask her, she won't text us next time because she'll never trust us again.
- I'm sure she's fine now.
- (SIGHS) That's where her dreams are supposed to go.
HEATHER: Hey, guys.
What you up to? Well, we're actually having our first real struggle about where we want to be in our lives.
Yeah, so, I need a favor from the two of you.
Last night, Sam texted Dad and me an "X.
" Oh, yeah, we know.
- She told us all about it.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay, 'cause, I mean, she told me a lot.
Like, you know, she told me all about the pool stuff.
- Right? - Yeah, I can't comment as to whether there was or was not a pool.
- Okay.
- Do I need to remind you about the "X" text rules? No, you do not, because the rules are that I can't ask the texter, but I can ask other people.
Yeah, I think you would agree that that's a liberal interpretation of the rules.
I would agree that you live here rent-free.
- Look, Mom, I understand how you feel.
- (HEATHER SIGHS) But the important thing is that Sam is fine.
Yeah.
Well she will be.
That is all that Clementine has to say at this time.
What? (DOOR OPENS) - What are you doing? - Shh! (WHISPERING): I'm trying to unlock Sam's phone using facial recognition so that I can get into her social media, find out what happened.
- You can't do that.
- I know.
She's sleeping on her stomach.
You got to flip her over.
Gently.
Just (WHIMPERS) - Aw.
- Oh.
God, I remember when I used to pick her up from school and she would talk the entire way home.
She would tell me every detail.
Who she liked, who was mean, who cried, who threw up.
It's Sam.
If she wants to talk to us, she will.
- I know.
- Come on.
(SIGHS) Okay, no, no, no, no.
Heather, don't.
Oh.
I'm gonna go see if Tyler wants to cuddle.
Clementine always makes it weird.
I love you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to tell you I feel lucky to have a mom like you.
- Oh.
- I was worried you were going to badger me about the party and ask everyone in the family a million questions, like, never let it die.
(LAUGHS) Right.
That would never happen, okay? This is me that we're talking about, right? Well, thank you.
'Cause tons of people got in trouble.
A bunch of college kids got put on probation.
What a party.
- You have no idea.
- Mmm.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
(VOICE BREAKING): Oh, God.
(CRYING) Thank you.
I'm glad you could use Heather's ticket.
It's really cool that I called to invite Matt and you invited yourself instead.
I know.
It really pays off to answer your husband's phone and read his texts.
Well, we're gonna have fun tonight.
- I love these French circus shows.
- Oh, me, too.
I just want to lose myself in the acrobatic fantasy and forget who I am for one night.
You're not gonna talk like that through the whole show, are you? Damn it.
- Damn it! - What happened? Did you see an ex-girlfriend? Kind of.
Your poutine.
French fries, cheese curds and gravy.
Everything I love.
Oh, and that you can't eat anymore.
Since the heart surgery, everything I eat is just steamed sadness.
I am so sorry.
I'll go eat it quickly over a garbage can.
Oh, my favorite way to eat it.
Ooh.
- Let me just have one bite.
- I don't think I should.
Come on, I'm a big boy.
I can handle a little poutine.
Oh.
- Mmm.
- Okay, that's enough.
(LAUGHS): Oh, you're gonna have to get two of these.
It's gonna be a great night.
Oh! Poutine! Why have you forsaken me? (EXHALES) - You okay? - Oh, yeah.
I just like to sit real still during these shows.
Clap with my eyes.
- Okay.
- (APPLAUSE) Oh, I love this.
French clowns are so much better than American clowns because they're mean.
(STOMACH GURGLES) Oh.
I think I need to leave something in the bathroom.
(GASPS) No, no, no, no, not now.
They're gonna come in the audience and pick somebody.
I hope it's us.
If you look too eager, they will not pick you, - so look away.
- Got it.
Oh.
No.
No, no, no.
I'm too eager.
I-I got something going on with my stomach.
Oh.
Lève-to ma ma mootee, eh? But that's not even French.
You can understand me.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (SIGHS) Jealous.
(GROANS) - Please, just let me go back.
- (CHUCKLES) (DRUMROLL) (GASPS) No.
No, no, you got to pick somebody else.
There's something going on inside me.
Yves Saint Laurent.
That's just a handbag designer! Oh, God.
Wait a second, wait a second.
This is not this is not a good plan.
We need a different plan.
God, please No! Bonjour.
(CHUCKLES) Bonjour.
No, no, no, I have to go to the bathroom! Don't do this to me! (SCOFFS) - (CHUCKLES) Mmm.
- Mmm.
Merci.
Oh, God, not here.
Not like this.
(FRENCH ACCENT): Key? No.
- Mind over matter.
- (CLACKING) MAGICIAN CLOWN: No.
You don't have to go.
(STRAINED): Oh, yes, you do! Ooh, I got to go, I got to go, I got to go.
(GROANS) What's taking so long? This is not a good trick! (LAUGHTER) No.
Uh, maybe, uh, this key.
Ah, j'adore Ratatouille, hmm? (SCOFFS) That's it.
I'm taking a picture.
(CHUCKLES) Cheese.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh! Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Oh.
(GRUNTS) Je t'aime, oh là là .
It's Tim, from the box.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Ouais.
- Ouais.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MUTTERING) (GASPS) Shut up.
No, you didn't.
(PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES) - Tim? - Heather, it's Tim.
I need help.
I've been locked in a box by French clowns, and I have diarrhea.
Okay, okay, all right.
Well, calm down.
I'm afraid I'm gonna let loose in front of this whole theater.
They're never gonna be able to use this box again.
I don't know how much longer I can hold it.
Oh, here comes another contraction! Heather, you got to help me.
Oh, Tim, honey, I would, but I can't right now.
I'm having wine with Jen.
Hi, Tim.
Hi, Jen.
I'm in a box with diarrhea.
Yeah.
Yeah, I heard.
So, honey, what-what do you want me to do? Just call the theater.
Tell them to end the trick.
I think by the time I do that, you know, the trick will probably be over.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have eaten the poutine.
Oh, Tim, you broke your diet.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Uh did you just text me an "X"? Yeah.
Come get me.
No questions asked.
(CHUCKLES) (GASPING) I'm dead on the floor.
- (EXHALES) - (LAUGHS) Dear God, if you get me through this, I swear I'll only eat healthy for the rest of my life.
- (GRUNTING) - (BUZZING) (EXAGGERATED STAMMERING) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) Please, Father, use your gentle hand to hold this inside me.
- Hey! - Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (GROANING) Bravo! Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
But wasn't he supposed to sit down in his seat? (AMERICAN ACCENT): Yep.
That's not good.
Oh, oh! Everybody out of the way! (GRUNTING) (SIGHS) So close.
(SIGHS) (TALIA CRYING) Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! - Ta-da! Ta-da! - Hi, sweetie.
- Ta-da! - You okay? Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm just, you know, exhausted, and the baby's starving.
- And I don't know what Lark is doing.
- Ta-da! Ta-da! Ta-da! - Ta-da! - You know what, go upstairs to Greg's old room, breastfeed, and sleep.
John and I will take care of Lark.
Oh, really? Thank you so much.
You know, I know I complain about these brunches, but I'm just so lucky to be part of such a close family.
(TALIA CRYING) You complain about these brunches? Who said that? Yeah.
Honey, what's the matter? What is it? I just saw Jen's boob.
What? How? Well, I-I had to go to the bathroom, so I use the one up in Greg's room.
And Jen was there, asleep.
And it was out.
So she doesn't even know.
That's wonderful.
But No.
But she will know.
I've got to tell her.
No, no, no, no, no.
Trust me.
Don't tell her.
You'll only embarrass her.
(STAMMERS) But the world is changing.
I need to get out in front of this.
You see something, you say something.
Dear, that's at the airport.
Just let this go.
Nothing catching your eye? No, uh, uh, not even looking.
Oh.
Well, I don't blame you.
Colleen brought a peanut butter and jelly frittata.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I like my 'tatas plain and simple.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I don't think I'm really hungry.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, by the way, thank you for watching my girls.
You know, you and Joan just always do so much to make me feel welcome in this family, and-and now you've really made me feel comfortable.
I saw your boob.
What? Yeah, y-you were asleep, feeding the baby, with your boob out.
That's fine.
I mean, I breastfeed in public all the time.
It's natural.
No, no.
The feeding was over.
The baby was down, and-and the boob was up.
Like, all of it.
Oh, God.
I-I-I'm a horrible person.
No better than Tim.
Okay, look.
It was an accident.
So let's just never mention this again and forget the whole thing.
Oh.
Roger that.
It's all good, buddy.
I apologized, and Jen forgave me.
- For what? - For seeing her boob.
You saw my wife's boob? Well, that's your first mistake.
She's her own wife, not yours.
Time to evolve, Greg.
Why didn't you tell me my dad saw your boob? - Oh.
You already told him.
- Mm.
John, I thought you were letting this go.
JEN: Oh.
He told you, too.
Fun.
Calm down.
I told Joanie before you.
And I told you not to tell her.
JEN: Mm-hmm.
Okay, I need a moment alone.
Can I come? Why not? There's no such thing as privacy in this home.
Hmm.
If you want to make this better, stop embarrassing Jen.
Ooh, John! What'd you embarrass Jen about? Oh.
Wait, what's going on with you and Jen? Yeah, Dad, what happened? Something must have happened.
- What's happening? - Okay, fine.
I know she wouldn't want me telling this to you guys, but Jen saw my penis.
What?! I was upstairs feeding the baby, and she walked in.
I didn't even know.
How'd you not know? I'd fallen asleep.
Feeding the baby? - Yes.
- While your penis was out? Yes, exactly.
A-And I know it's an unlucky situation, but Jen has nothing to be embarrassed about.
HEATHER: Okay, Jen, I am so sorry about my dad.
Seriously, John? You told the entire family? Yep.
Now the whole family knows you saw my ween.
(CHUCKLES) What?! What happened in my old room? Oh, it's so weird.
John saw my boob.
While you were looking at his ween? No.
I wasn't looking at his anything, okay? I was feeding the baby, I fell asleep, and John walked in.
Then why did you tell us that she saw your Lone Ranger? - What is the matter with you? - (OTHERS TALKING) I think because he was trying to protect me from being embarrassed by I don't know, embarrassing himself.
Pretty clever, right? (CHUCKLES) So amazingly stupid.
I actually preferred it when you just told me the truth.
You know? No matter how hard it was to hear.
I also saw your boob.
I will end you, Tyler.
Does anyone in this family knock? We're not big knockers.
Sorry.
Okay.
Well, anyone else see my boob? It is the most private bathroom in the house.
(TALIA CRYING) Okay.
Well, time to feed the baby again, so anyone who missed the 11:30 show, please follow me.
Everyone stays in this room.
(KIDS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY) Look at this.
Hmm? Two dads watching their kids play? - Yeah.
- It's pretty cool.
(CHUCKLES) And, hey, I know you're new at this, so if you need any dad-vice, I'm here.
(SNIFFS) Did you just say "dad-vice"? Yeah.
It's mine.
Don't use it.
Oh, oh.
Looks like a show's about to start.
Okay.
Uh-oh.
(LARK PLAYING "THREE BLIND MICE") (HITTING WRONG NOTES) (CHUCKLES QUIETLY) - She's been taking lessons.
- Yeah.
In piano? (BAD PLAYING CONTINUES) (CHEERING) JEN: Oh, you did so good, honey.
And she hit every key! I don't think you left a key untouched.
(QUIETLY): Sorry about that.
Lark casts a pretty big shadow, but give it some time.
I'm sure Lucas will find his own way to (LUCAS PLAYING "ODE TO JOY") Why didn't you tell us he could play piano? I didn't know he could play piano.
Boy, I really like how you can tell what song it is.
Yeah, it's the one from the carpet commercial.
We have carpets, indoor, outdoor Brown, beige, tan, beige, brown and white.
(MUSIC ENDS) - (LAUGHING) - Oh! Hey, Greg, let me know if you need any dad-vice.
You know, you're not even saying that the ri Well, okay, I guess that is the right way.
(PLAYING "MAPLE LEAF RAG") Oh, my gosh! Ragtime! Hey, buddy.
Guess who just learned how to play "Tiny Dancer"? Mom's favorite song.
- Yeah.
- Subtle.
Came on the radio, and he just picked it up.
Well, that's not a big deal.
That's like me and beatboxing.
Our whole M.
O.
as parents is just to nurture the nature in him.
You don't have an M.
O.
You don't even know what M.
O.
stands for.
I'll just ask Lucas.
He'll know.
Where did you find that? Oh, no, this found me.
You have been a dad for three weeks.
Well, you don't get to be the world's greatest by working slow.
(CHUCKLES) Daddy, look.
Oh, wow.
Look at this, everybody.
Lark's Eiffel Tower.
Ooh, is that perfect! I feel like I'm in Paris.
(WHISPERS): I hate the French.
Good work, Lark.
Lucas made it for me.
What's that? That's my son.
He's talented and generous.
Hey, Mommy? We are doing a great job.
Oh, my God, I love it when you call me Mommy.
- Okay, this is disgusting, all of it.
- Hey, buddy, come on, now, don't beat yourself up.
It's okay that you haven't taught your daughter to explore her creativity.
My daughter explores plenty.
Certainly looks like it.
JOAN: Oh, sweetie.
Would you like a tissue? She learned that from her mother.
Mm.
Okay, so Lark, stop picking your nose.
Okay, so, when we get out there, okay, I'm gonna hide this five of spades right here under Uncle Matt's chair, and when I say so, you grab that card and you say, "Ta-da!" Ta-da! - Yeah.
No, not yet.
- Ta-da! - Okay, I think I see what's - Ta-da! Ta-da! Uh, it is a fun word, but let's not say that word until everyone is watching, okay? MATT: What's going on here? Are you teaching Lark magic tricks to get attention? Ta-da! Look, you don't get it, man, all right? Lark had the spotlight all to herself, until someone came along and stole it from her.
You just described my entire life.
I used to be the center of attention until you were born, but I got over it.
- No, you didn't.
- But I don't bring it up.
Yes, you do, all the time.
Yeah, because it hurts giving up the spotlight.
That's why, 36 years later, you can't give it up to your own nephew.
(SIGHS) Daddy, I forgot what the word was.
Ta-da.
("NUM NUM" BY THE DNC PLAYING) When I see you, baby girl, I be like, num num We adopted a star.
I mean, was it a performing arts orphanage? I gotta have it Can I show everybody my magic trick now? Uh you know what? We're all watching Lucas dance right now.
And he's pretty great.
Thanks, man.
So is Lark.
That num num, give it to me before I start to act up Hey, Lucas, maybe when you're done, you and Lark can go out and ride bikes, huh? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Yes.
Maybe Lark can teach him.