Mad About You s04e08 Episode Script

And now, stay tuned To our next feature, trog.
It's over? Yep.
See how it says "the end"? Why did you let me fall asleep? I didn't let you.
You're a big girl.
What happened after nigel came back from lisbon? Oh, boy, was he mad.
At anna or carlos? I think pretty much he was just upset With the whole situation.
You fell asleep, too.
Yeah, but only 'cause i wanted to be with you.
* tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby ** I can't believe that's your dinner.
I was supposed to have lunch with allison, But she had a squash game.
I had three meetings.
So i never ate.
She plays squash? Allison, the lady from the office? Yeah.
Why? She's like 60.
Allison? No.
She's like The point is i never got to eat lunch.
Spanky, sit.
Sit, for god's sake.
I look like an idiot.
Just sit.
I love the dogs in this doggie group, The owners not so much.
It's only when nat goes to acting class.
Murray, what do you got there? [Man.]
how are you there tonight? Oh, corgi guy.
You remember last week i was talking about dog saliva? Remember? It's why we came back.
I used misha's saliva to cure my athlete's foot.
It worked.
Well, god bless.
O.
K.
, are we the only normal people in this group? [Jamie.]
there's doug and didi.
I like doug and didi.
We always threaten to see them and never do.
What do you guys give to murray? He's got the greatest coat.
You know, he's got a jacket just like that.
I like these people.
We were saying we keep threatening to get together.
We were just saying that.
That's so funny.
Hey, how would you guys like to see hello, dolly!? Wow.
That's specific.
Honey We could eat before the show Honey? Or after the show.
It'll be like a thing.
Great.
Good.
Good.
Deeds, look at the time.
I've got to make a call.
We have a time thing.
Yeah, but, um, saturday night sounds great.
We'll see you tomorrow.
We'll figure out all the details.
Bye.
Bye.
Come on.
See ya.
Well, that was pretty simple.
What did you just do? What? You offered them the tickets i promised to fran.
No, we never promised.
She's the one who wanted to go.
It was her idea.
I got you new friends and a date for saturday night.
What about fran? Well, i handled this.
You can handle that.
Come on.
[Buzzing.]
Is that almost sharp yet, Or do i have to kill you? Yes, all done.
See? About the play saturday night I forgot to tell you.
I decided to bring lloyd instead of bob.
Bob just seemed a little too excited about seeing carol channing.
Actually, we can't go.
We couldn't get tickets.
Oh.
You're upset? A little, but you couldn't get 'em.
No biggie.
Good.
See, no biggie.
Don't you want to know why we couldn't get them? Not really.
Not even the least bit curious? Not really.
O.
K.
It's a funny story.
They were sold out? Sold out.
Ho ho.
That is funny.
I'm sure you tried your best.
We did.
I'm sure you did.
Listen, i'm not being entirely honest about the tickets.
Which part aren't you being honest about? The entire part.
We did get the tickets.
Paul invited another couple.
Before i knew what happened, it was too late.
I should've stopped him.
I shouldn't have lied.
Please don't hate me.
It's o.
K.
I understand.
These things happen.
Really? Really.
Really? Really.
Why would i lie to you? Good.
I feel better.
You're the best, fran.
I lied.
I'm not o.
K.
With this.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have lied.
I'm not upset that you lied.
I'm upset that you told the truth.
I shouldn't have told the truth? Exactly.
If you're lying to spare my feelings, Then finish what you started.
You feel better, i feel worse.
You're absolutely right.
I was selfish.
I should've lied.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
It's o.
K.
We're really o.
K.
With this? We are so o.
K.
About this.
O.
K.
I hear cats is good.
Saw it.
You two are so bad.
You're children.
It was him.
Excuse me.
Who started throwing jujubes? That was you.
But you encouraged it.
He's a bad influence.
Paul's right.
Does anybody want to get coffee? Oh, damn.
We'd love to but We have a time thing.
Wow.
At this hour? Honey, they got a time thing.
But let's do something next week.
How about the r.
E.
M.
Concert? Ooh, honey.
They're sold out.
Paul already has tickets.
How? I did a film with the lighting guy.
You guys are great.
Well, this sounds fantastic.
But only if it's our treat.
Don't be silly.
It's o.
K.
All right.
Let us get dinner.
Bye.
Bye.
What did you just do? They're great.
Why'd you promise them r.
E.
M.
Tickets? Those are for ira.
That wasn't for sure.
Yeah, that was for sure.
We did it to fran.
For hello, dolly! You think they liked us? They loved us.
It was really fun.
What about ira? I handled this.
You handle that.
You told me that you had them.
No.
That guy had them.
Yeah.
So? That's what he tells me.
Then i get there, different guy.
Whatdifferent than artie? Yes.
Yeah.
Are you telling me the truth? Yes.
Paulie, there is no different guy than artie.
Artie is always there.
He's 400 pounds.
Where's he going to go? Lunch? I said i was going to get them, Didn't i? I could've walked across the street and gotten them.
And i'm telling you, artie was not there.
When i tell you i'm getting the tickets, Let me get the tickets.
Please.
You get the tickets.
I'm going to get the tickets.
You know i feel terrible about this.
I feel really bad.
All right.
All right.
It's o.
K.
So what are we going to do instead? Instead? We're not seeing the concert.
We got to do something else.
You and me? Yes.
Saturday night? Yes.
Well, we can't do anything this saturday.
Why not? 'Cause you're too mad at me.
Aren't you? [Doug.]
that was the greatest concert i've ever seen.
I loved r.
E.
M.
Before they were popular.
All right.
Whati didn't? Anybody for coffee? Let me help you.
We'll get it.
You sit.
Sure.
You shouldn't have pushed.
I didn't push.
They didn't want to come here.
I wanted to see where they lived.
You wouldn't think they'd have a couch like that.
Why not? Well, they seem so modern and sleek.
What are they going to have a glass couch? Don't be snooping.
I'm not snooping.
I'm looking at family photos.
Hey, i don't know if you noticed.
All these people are black.
There's probably some explanation for that.
Maybe they're subletting from them.
That's probably it, for doug's job.
What does he do again? I don't know.
That's really funny.
They're friends.
All we know is their names.
Actually, their first names.
No, that's not true.
What is it? It's with an "s".
"S".
Uh, smith? It's smith? Uh, "a.
" With an "a.
" Appleapple.
A-Applesmith.
"Z?" "Z?" Zwynn? Zarbow? Maupassant? It's something.
Like what? Somethingsomething with a "j.
" Johnson? Jipson? Jetson? They're the jetsons? They're the jetsons.
I know.
I forgot.
Did you forget, or we never knew? Here we go.
Mail.
Addressed to Somebody else.
Not them.
Nope.
Not one piece here.
Somebody.
Thomas and patricia stadler.
Something is wrong.
Maybe they're spies.
Maybe they're not really married.
That's it.
They're bachelor spies.
I have a bad feeling in my stomach.
Queasy or you got cramps? It's more in the queasy world.
Are you going to vomit? If you vomit in front of me, I vomit right along with you.
They're making coffee for a very long time.
Sweetie, that's how long it takes.
I want to go.
Wait a second, sweetie.
We can't just go.
Sorry that took so long.
Is something wrong? No.
No.
Everything's all right.
Um, well, yeah.
You have to be straight with us.
Something isn't right.
I'm going to ask you one question.
If the answer's yes, we'll leave and never say a word.
Did you kill the stadlers? Ha ha ha.
No.
We decided it was that, Or you're having an affair.
Actually We are.
Oh.
Oh, o.
K.
Well, good.
I knew it.
Well, i knew nothing.
I knew it the minute we met.
How? I didn't know, but i knew.
Well, i knew nothing.
I'm shocked.
I'm stunned.
I'm flummoxed.
All the signs were there They always left by midnight, They never arrive in the same car, Didi only gave me her voice mail number.
Right.
And think about it.
He always ordered the wine.
It doesn't really mean anything.
You had all that good stuff.
That's why they didn't laugh When you made that scarlet letter joke.
You laughed.
I'm not carrying their shame.
I can laugh at adultery.
It costs me nothing.
But them, i don't They seemed like a regular married couple.
They're just married to other people.
This is so inconceivable to me.
Why? It just That would never happen to you and me.
What makes us different from others? [Door buzzer.]
First of all, to be that deceptive and that calculating, You know the energy that takes? Who has that kind of time? Personally, i know i could never lie like that.
You know something? I am shocked.
What are you doing here? I hope you enjoyed the concert.
What concert? Paulie, i know what happened.
Ira, we didn't go.
You, too.
No, that's true.
We didn't.
I was there, paulie.
I went to the concert.
I scalped one ticket for myself, Double face value, terrible seat.
You know, way upstairs up behind the stage, just awful.
What's that? Noodles.
Oh.
This guy lent me his binoculars, Where i spied you and your little friends dancing All out of rhythm, fourth row, center.
That was not a rhythm.
It was a syncopation thing.
Well, good.
Listen, you enjoy your new friends.
It's not what you think it is.
Paulie, don't waste my time.
Do what you want to do.
If you don't want to go with me, that's fine.
But to ditch me and then to lie Shame on you.
I should I think.
Here you go.
Thank you.
I got it.
No, he's not paying for me.
So that's what you came up with.
Fat artie went to lunch.
That's the best that you could do? I know.
Can i explain? 'Cause there is an explanation.
I believed you.
I should've known better.
Artie and i go way back.
This guy lives in that chair.
Fat artie doesn't goes to lunch.
Lunch comes to fat artie.
But there's an explanation.
Can i explain, please? [Door buzzer.]
Hi.
Hi.
You must be jamie.
Is this a bad time? I don't know.
Who are you? One drink and i forget my own name.
I'm allison.
I work with paul, your husband.
The filmmaker? Allison, the lady from the office? You are jamie, right? I have heard so much about you.
Me, too.
Come in.
I was on my way home.
I wanted to drop this off.
Is paul here? He's out.
What did you say your name was again? Allison.
I got confused Because paul's boss is also named allison.
I am paul's boss.
I am allison.
You know, my friends call me allison.
Well, it was really nice to meet you.
And, uh Tell paul that i stopped by.
Allison.
I don't why i didn't say this up front to you.
These are jamie's friends that flew in from out of town.
Paulie, what are you doing? What is the matter with you? You're lying again.
Frannie told me about you and your cheating friends.
What is the matter with you? You're right.
I can't lie.
I thought i'd give it one more shot.
I can't do it.
I'm a bad liar.
You're the worst.
Boy, you know why? You got to stick to it.
That's the key to a good lie commitment.
That's what you need for relationships and for lying.
And a good poached egg.
Listen, what i did was wrong, and i'm sorry.
I'm sorry i hurt your feelings.
You know what you mean to me, right? I love you.
Hey, i love you! Maybe we should get a booth.
You know who i am? I'm a u.
N.
Peace keeper, babe.
I am boutros- Boutros-Golly buchman.
So you cleared it up with ira? I did.
We sat down.
I was honest and forthright.
I'm an impressive young man.
Why didn't you tell me allison was gorgeous? What? Allison? Allison, my boss allison? Yeah.
She came by And dropped off this tape for you.
She This is that penguin footage.
This is unbelievable.
O.
K.
Hold on a second, boutros.
What? Why did you lie to me? About what? About the lady from the office? That's not a lie.
That's her.
That's true.
Paul, she's stunning.
Boy, do i know you? I know you so well.
Really? That's exactly why i never said anything about her.
I knew you'd get upset.
So you lied.
That's not a lie.
I was protecting you.
You were protecting me? If i came home and said, "I got a great new job.
The person i'm working with is a beautiful, gorgeous woman," What would you have said? You never gave me the chance.
I'll tell you what you'd say.
You'd say, "why are you telling me this? "Do i need to know That you're working with a beautiful, gorgeous woman?" I would like to punch you so hard right now.
Maybe later.
First, just tell i'm wrong.
You are so wrong! You think i'm so fragile, so vulnerable That i'm threatened by an attractive woman? I don't.
And i know that.
That's right.
O.
K.
So you're working late.
You tell me it's you and this lady from the office.
That's her? Yes.
That's very interesting.
Ooh, i hate where you're going with this.
Do you know how insulting that is? Oh, i'm insulting you? Excuse me.
Do you think i'm so shallow I can't work without it being sexual? Well, i'd hope not.
Thank you.
Why would you lie? You know what? This is just nutty.
Do you need to hear i'm sorry? Well, are you? I'm sorry if you're upset.
You're sorry if i'm upset? Well, that's great.
I'll put clothes in the dryer.
I have to watch this tape.
Good luck.
Explorer channel.
If they sent a messenger, I wouldn't have these problems.
What's another word for "pillage" That's not so gloomy? Try "plunder.
" You know what's upsetting? Uh, stepping in gum.
He acts humble while he's telling you that you're wrong.
Well, he's the mayor.
I'm talking about paul.
We were finished with that.
We are.
We totally are.
He's just so frustrating to argue with.
Jamie, darling, sit down.
It is time you got your mind off of this And onto something more productive.
Like what? How about throwing yourself into work? And you know what else? Jamie, listen to me.
Dwelling on this isn't going to help.
You have to let go of your anger To find mature resolutions to the source of that anger.
Just let it go, And you'll feel much better.
I'll try.
You screwed me out of those tickets for hello, dolly!, And i got over that, right? Yeah.
And now i'm fine with it.
You're a bigger person than i.
That's true.
Oh, by the way, i got four tickets to see sting, And you're not invited.
No.
Really.
It's a theory that i've had for a long time, But my dog is a female, So i've never proved it.
What i would like to do, If it's all right with you, I would like to loosely cup your dog's testicles.
This is what i'm saying to you No.
Why not? Whatdoes it threaten you? No, it doesn't threaten me.
I just don't want you touching my dog's testicles.
I'm just proving a theory.
Well, prove it somewhere else.
Hey.
Hi.
You still mad? A little.
Would you excuse us, please? I'll be over there if you change your mind.
Listen, um, come here.
It's never easy to admit a mistake, And uh And? I got to tell you, It pains me to say it but I just think you're wrong.
Really? Yeah.
I was thinking the same thing.
Well, the difference is i'm right.
Ah, well, that is a big difference.
Somehow in your mind, You've taken this allison thing And this gigantic doug and didi thing, And you've made them the same thing.
Not the same thing One thing potentially leading to the other thing.
I'm saying it's never going to happen.
And that's what scares me.
You can't admit it's possible.
Because that's not a possibility.
It could not happen.
Twice a week, i'll get up 45 minutes earlier So i can go grab a cappuccino with somebody? Then i tell you i'm going to work, But really, i'm going to check into a hotel Under an assumed name? I'll get the mail first So you don't see the bill? I'll start showering in the middle of the day So i don't smell like her when i come home? Then i'll have long dinners out in queens In someplace where nobody recognizes us.
Then i'll start calling you from her place at night And say, "honey, don't wait up for me tonight Because i'm going to be working late with the lady in the office.
" O.
K.
It's possible.
O.
K.
Thank you.
What? Really.
Thank you.
That's all i wanted to hear.
Well, there it is.
You got it, o.
K.
? There it is.
Now you can say the other part.
What other part? The part you wanted to say.
It's safe to say that.
I want you to say it.
How it'll never happen to us? Yes.
It will never happen to us.
You're right.
It's never going to happen to us.
Just what i was saying in the first place.