Metalocalypse (2006) s04e08 Episode Script

Charles: All right guys, we got a lot of work today.
Nathan: Hey! It really smells like lemons in here.
Somebody just clean this table with lemons? Toki: I ams eatings lemons.
That's me.
Pickles: You're still eating lemons all the time? Toki: I'ms challenging myself to endures the flavors, likes puttings your hands over an opens flame.
Skwisgaar: Pickle, I found one of your dreads in the hallways.
Uh, do you wants it back? Pickles: Eh, yeah, I, uh, guess so.
Skwisgaar: Oops.
Dropped it in my cups of coffees.
Nathan: Drinking a lot of coffee these days, huh? Charles: All right, guys.
I just want to get started.
Nathan: Yeah, just go.
Charles: We have some congratulations in order for Mr.
William Murderface, sitting at the table here.
You are being honored at this year's Brutalies Award Ceremony.
Murderface: Yeah, that's right.
Good to see [bleep.]
finally changing around here, and I'm getting some respect.
Now, what are these brutalies? Charles: I don't know.
I mean, no one's gotten back to me on that.
But Dethklok is gonna play there, and they're going to give ya lifetime achievement award for being the most brutal-looking musician ever.
Nathan: Can't really tell if that's an award or a public insult.
Skwisgaar: If you thinks about it, it ams an award for beings the most uglys humans in the worlds.
Nathan: They're, like, saying you're bad at being handsome, but it's an award if they're saying you're really good at being ugly, so congratulations.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, congratulations.
Pickles: Yeah, congratulations.
Charles: You're okay with that, right? Murderface: Okay with it? I [bleep.]
love it! Really, this is awesome.
If you all will excuse me for a moment.
Toki: If I gots that award, I'd [bleep.]
kill myself.
Pickles: Dude, you're ugly.
Dude.
Toki: Kills myself.
Pickles: Dude.
Toki: And kills myself.
Pickles: Dude.
Toki: [Bleep.]
kills myself.
Pickles: Dude.
Murderface: I'll show everyone.
I'm going to transform myself into the most handsome [bleep.]
They've ever laid eyes on! Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok! Murderface: Oh, I'm personally okay with myself, but Just take the pen and draw on the areas that you think could use some corrections.
[ Marker squeaking .]
Murderface: Do you have another marker? Whoa.
Missed a spot.
Murderface: Okay, doc.
I'm gonna level with you.
I hate myself.
I [bleep.]
hate myself.
Mr.
Murderface, we have the ability to take you -- a beast damned by the gods, a grotesque abomination doomed to spend his life as a wandering monstrosity-- and transform you into a breathtaking Adonis, chiseled in marble from a church in heaven.
All it takes is money.
Here's the estimate.
Murderface: [ Groans .]
Stampingston: Gentlemen, it seems that William Murderface is getting some "work" done.
Here to talk about the cultural obsession with cosmetic surgery is specialist Dr.
Alsajahbfifborgiltk.
Trying to improve the unjust genetic hand dealt to you through expensive cosmetic enhancements can lead to horrifying results.
The average man, after cosmetic procedure, will end up looking like a woman, a large game animal, an alien, even a children's puppet.
But the real catastrophe will occur if Murderface succeeds at becoming "Handsomeface.
" Crozier: Our in-house specialist has concocted these images of what William Murderface would look like should he go through with this procedure.
Murderface is Dethklok's zero on the yardstick of attractiveness to which all other band members compare themselves.
Should this change, it could set off a series of gruesome attempts at self-improvement that end in dethklok losing their sense of self and the respect of all mankind.
Orlaag: Is the hand of the cosmetic surgeon also the hand of God? Perhaps.
Selatcia: Let us see where it takes us.
Toki: Hurrys up, Nathan.
Nathan: Hold on.
I'm getting a snack.
Hot air balloon Nathan: [ Grunts .]
Is there something wrong with this hot tub? This particular hot tub is not known to withstand that much weight, my lord.
Nathan: [ Scoffs .]
Well, someone should call the company and, you know -- and it's poor manufacturing.
And it appears as if the drain is clogged with coffee grounds, lemon rinds, and a cluster of dreadlocks.
Pickles: Ew.
Clogged? That's just poor manufacturing.
Your dreads, sire.
Pickles: Just give me that back.
Murderface: Well, just move some money around or something! Look, William.
As your business manager, I have to warn you, this is not a good time for you to have an expensive elective surgery.
Murderface: You've got to be [bleep.]
me.
I'm the bassist for dethklok.
No, I know, but you just lost a lot of money.
Do you not remember this? You were drunk.
You tripped on an escalator Murderface: Yeah, I tripped on an escalator.
while you were shopping for scented candles.
Murderface: Yes, 'cause I love scented candles.
And then your overcalcified face injured a baby.
Murderface: Oh.
Well, that civil suit from the incident wiped you out, completely, okay? Murderface: That baby had a great lawyer.
Amazing lawyer.
Murderface: God, he was good.
Wasn't he good? Find another way to get the money.
Murderface: [Bleep.]
Nathan: Move my feet down a little bit more.
Move my head up higher.
How's that, sire? Nathan: Now, bring the piece of pizza closer to my head.
Murderface: Hey, Nathan.
Can I talk to you for a minute? And how's that, sire? Murderface: [ Clears throat .]
Nathan: Getting better, getting warmer.
Is that adequate, sire? Murderface: [Bleep.]
off! Yes, sire.
Murderface: Nathan, pal.
Good old Nathan.
Aw, man, look at those shoulders.
Captain of the ship.
What's happening, man? Nathan, I want you to look at me.
Are you looking at me? Nathan: Kind of.
Murderface: I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
Nathan: Oh, God.
Murderface: Imagine a child so horrific-looking Nathan: Uh-huh.
Murderface: That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
Nathan: Yeah, you, right? Murderface: [ Groans .]
Imagine a man with so little self-esteem Nathan: You.
Murderface: That he looks and acts like me.
Nathan: You.
Murderface: Well, that man is me.
Nathan: I'm glad we had, uh This little chat.
[ Engine whirring .]
See you later.
Murderface: You're just not getting it.
Listen.
Nathan: Do you want to borrow some money? Just say it! Murderface: Yes, I want to borrow some money, but -- Nathan: I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right? Murderface: I won't forget this, pal.
I'm having some work done down in Tijuana.
Shh.
Don't tell the others.
It's our secret, you know, 'cause it's cost effective now.
Nathan: Get out of here! Murderface: I'm sorry.
Is that someone's dog? [ Tires screech .]
[ Crowd gasps .]
Despierta de.
Despierta de.
Despierta de! Murderface: Am I handsome? Toki: All right, checks it out.
"Celebrity Snapsdown" is on.
Nathan: Wonder what [bleep.]
Are gonna [bleep.]
fail this time.
And finally, this week on "Celebrity Snapdown," number one in the category of aging rockers is Nathan: Here goes nothing.
This is gonna be good.
Pickles: Who's it gonna be? Dethklok! Fat.
Bald.
Coffee-stained teeth.
And thin lemon lipped.
These rock-'n'-roll gargoyles are not making peace with aging.
We'll be right back.
Skwisgaar: Well at least we ain't as horrible looking as, you know, Williams Murderface.
Pickles: Yeah, where is that ugly tub of goop, anyway? Nathan: He's in Tijuana getting a bunch of cosmetic procedures done so he can be handsome and confident, but that's a secret, so you can't tell anybody.
Skwisgaar: Waits a minute.
If he ams gonna become handsome and confident, then where does that put us? Pickles: That makes us gargoyles that are going bald.
Nathan: That's not good.
We gotta do something about this.
Tonight, the brutalies, featuring dethklok.
And being honored, he's brutal and uglier than a garbage can filled with burning [bleep.]
William Murderface.
So, without any further ado, the brutalies! Nathan: [ Grunts .]
I can't [bleep.]
breathe in this thing, but I look good.
I have an hourglass figure.
Toki: Well, my lips are full and wonderfuls and filled with collagens and fats from my ass.
I looks like a young Francis Fords Coppola.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, you does.
Coffee, sire.
Skwisgaar: Yes, thanks.
Aah! My teeths ams sensitives from the bleaching.
Pickles: Even though my scalp is itchy and sweaty, I have the appearance of a young schoolgirl with a full head of hair.
Skwisgaar: Lookings good, Pickles.
Pickles: Thanks.
Nathan: There's no way we can be the ugliest members of the band now.
No way.
[ Thunder crashes .]
Murderface: I think you're very wrong about that.
For you see, underneath this mask, I'm handsome now.
I'm going to show all these ugly monsters what handsome really is.
[ Thunder crashes .]
And now, voted most brutal-looking musician, William Murderface! [ Applause .]
Murderface: Thank you for this cruel and humiliating award, but I have an interesting piece of news.
I am no longer ugly! [ Audience murmuring .]
I am, in fact, handsome.
[ Audience murmuring .]
You suck! Murderface: I don't suck, for you suck.
And you will always suck because you are ugly, and I am not.
I am better than you, so you shall suck my fat [bleep.]
and behold a beautiful, confident work of art.
Behold! William Handsomeface! [ Screams .]
Oh, my God.
It's horrible.
Murderface: What's going on here? [ Screams .]
Pickles: His face is infected! Nathan: He's a [bleep.]
monster.
[ Glass shatters .]
Pickles: He's coming over here! Murderface: Pickles! Pickles: Get away from me! Nathan: Oh, my God! Pickles: Throw your coffee at him! Murdederface: [ Screams .]
[ Audience screaming .]
Stop! Stop! Stop it! What's wrong with all of your hands? Yeah, what's going on? Ow! Ow! Look at your wrists, they're all just swollen and limp.
You guys have been jerking off so hard, that you got advanced Carpal tunnel syndrome.
So uh, you're saying we're *** Hey, this is serious stuff! Stop giggling! Anyway, who wants to go with me?