Misfits s04e08 Episode Script
Series 4, Episode 8
Abbey.
- What's she doing here? - She's on community service.
I don't know who I am! When the storm happened, I lost my memory.
Forgot everything.
So is that it, then? You and Alex, you you're together? Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Yeah, Finn.
Alex? The sexy barman? He's got no dick.
This is the greatest day of me life! What's her name? She calls herself James.
Get your dick out right now! That's mine! Um Oh, my G I came to see you.
I'm not the caretaker.
It's not for me to judge you.
I've got to go.
Oh, no, no, don't.
Please don't go.
How did it go? It was amazing, and then she's Well, she's ran away! She left her bag.
Oh Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
There's a young man here to see you.
He says he has your bag.
You can send him in.
Be careful, Nadine.
Shit.
Sound Of Music.
What about it? It had a nun in it.
And it was a great film, weren't it? Happy Happy Feet.
Happy F Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it.
I'm getting I'm an idiot.
Nadine will see you now.
Penguins.
Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures.
So All right.
Brrr! Happy Feet, innit? It's not funny.
It's just an 'abit.
Habit! Cos you No? Ohh.
So, as it turns out, you're a nun.
A A nun.
I'd have never seen that comin'.
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing What does that mean for me and you, and us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing or I've given myself to Jesus.
Y-Yeah.
But you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, cos I'd settle for being your booty call! I can't see you again.
I'm sorry.
It's It's all right.
So I understand that's a good decision.
I never meant for this to happen.
It's all right.
It's fine.
It's Jesus.
He's the Son of God.
I'm just a dickhead.
Wi' a big mouth.
And a bag, which is yours.
You left it.
I'll just I'll pop it up here, eh? She's all yours.
Just be nice.
She's special, this one.
Rudy.
They should call it Sad Feet.
You must never see him again.
It's too dangerous.
I think it's bigger.
Like maybe the whole swapping thing stretched it.
Well, I'll leave you two to get reacquainted.
You probably have a lot to talk about.
It's definitely longer.
The Lord giveth and your boy takes awayeth.
Sometimes the taking away feels a little bit more than the giving, but What you doing? I am praying, dude.
I'm praying to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can express my physical love for her in a beautiful union of our two genitals.
Amen.
And God's taking these kind of requests, is he? If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean? I'm not being funny, but you and a nun is not something Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.
What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.
Well, don't say.
I'm not.
Well, that's good.
Cos in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, "but judge what he could have done "if he was a different bloke altogether.
"For art thou a leper ".
.
and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn.
" I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
No, it isn't.
It It is.
Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, cos I am going to go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything ever.
What a sweet deal.
Innit? So when are you doing this, then, this confessin'? Lunchtime.
What's this?! What's with the strange, lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up wi' you lot? Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Fuck you! He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and will never shag him.
Well Let her speak for herself, shall we, Jess? And him He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun! Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh? What about you, sweetcheeks? I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection.
I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it.
Which makes me feel sad and lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain and you hang onto it.
You bury it! Deep inside you.
Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Cos that's it.
Feels like your guts are strangling your heart.
Lap it up.
It's good for the soul.
Why are you looking at him like that? It's like a weight's been lifted.
Or reattached.
I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock? I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? Cos he's workin'.
And there's probably a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks.
Well, there should be.
Look at her.
This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's an excuse to be an enormous slut.
I like her.
Do you fancy her? Why do you care? I don't.
All right, well, that's all worked out very nicely, hmm? And I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Hard job.
OK I'll see you later.
She seems nice.
She's a friend.
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour.
Mind your own fuckin' business.
Maybe I'll make it my business.
Maybe I should go into the business of making your business my business, and and then we'll see whose b business it is.
Pfff.
Nadine? It's Nadine.
She's gone.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these.
Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins? Because, dude, you're a twat! A miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly Do you honestly believe that God will let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were going to burn in hell.
And I chose to ignore that.
I'll tell you something right now, fella.
Would it kill you to have a little friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I-I-I cannot get her out of me mind.
It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
Nadine! All right.
Nadine.
That's enough.
Fuck, it's torture.
Come on, let's just do it.
Let's get it out the way.
Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Rudy.
Rudy? Hail Marying worked.
There is a friggin' God.
See it up top there.
Just whatever.
How's me hair? Is it all right? Just get off.
.
No, get off, it's fine.
Get in here, come on.
She doesn't need to see this freak show.
You were going to be honest.
Define "honest".
Telling the truth.
Ohh D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't.
I do not, not at all.
Get in! Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you want to hear a joke? Yeah.
What's black and white and red all over? Nun in a blender.
All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red? Nun killing a penguin.
Whay! Respect, mate, you know your nun jokes.
All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cu Ahh.
Shit.
What? Aw, it doesn't matter.
It's nothing.
I'm It's Nothing's Nothing's musty.
Why would it be musty? Um Probably underuse or just a lack of air circulation resulting in general mustiness.
Forgive me, Father, I have Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
No, you don't understand.
I I've I've done terrible, horrible, vile things.
I have had sexual relations with women up the What do your nuns called the arse? The a Up the anus.
Rudy.
I have had a a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
- I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
- No, you don't understand.
I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
Don't.
I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner.
I have violated myself with a fucking king-size Mars bar.
I don't care.
I don't care what you've done in your past.
You've got a good heart.
I promised myself to God.
I was prepared to dedicate my life to him.
I see things.
Violence and cruelty and suffering.
Sometimes I question his existence.
Then I met you.
I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything.
I'll share you with God.
He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he? He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of t'week.
How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella? I think he's cool with it.
That's settled, then.
Forgive me, I'm going to have to nip to the What do nuns call the toilet? They call it the toilet.
Brilliant.
- You can talk how you normally talk.
- Well in that case, I'm going to go for an enormous fucking shit.
Let's stick to "toilet".
All right, no, fair enough.
I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now.
Oh! Rudy? Rudy? Rudy? Hiya.
Um It's It's me, Rudy, Lord.
I I just want you to know that I'm going to take good care of her and God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her.
For I am a sheep.
And you're a shepherd.
And a sheep always keeps his promises.
So, amen.
Oh, and if you could do anything about me bowels an' all, please, that would be very much appreciated, as I am shitting elephants.
Amen.
Fuck.
I'll tell you Nadine? Fuck.
Nadi? Have you seen my nun? No.
Is she here? Please tell me you didn't? - You did, didn't you? - No, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take.
Honestly Have you done this? You've You've done this.
You've You've built up my dreams and y-y-you've crushed 'em.
You're not a shepherd.
You're a friggin' penis, sir.
You can't call God a penis.
God Shit! Fucking That's my fucking TV! Well, we're going to have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay.
Shit! Cor, what a bell-end! Oh D'you know, honestly, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember.
All becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest, with all the soft hair, silky vaginae.
I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death.
I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck? Yeah.
Point being So, there is a point? Yeah, there's a Yes, there's a point.
And the point is - and this is fucking heartbreaking - there are shitters and there are people that get shat on.
I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me.
Me heart's in pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up? And stop Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not.
Fuck's sake! Shut up.
You've gotta fight for her.
Yeah, cos you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! "Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?" I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it.
I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex.
It's a shame.
Really? Is that true? You are such a bitch.
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no.
You're right.
You are both right, and you're friggin' strange.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
Fight for the nun you love.
That's it.
Whoa! Where the fuck do you think you're going? I've just I'm I'm-I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually.
And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you? No, I'd crawl, man.
I'd Dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, I would.
Hey.
That's what love feels like.
Crawling naked through broken glass and dog shit.
Naked? I should know.
I was in love once.
Didn't say anything, I was too scared.
Lost them for ever.
That's That's a shame, man.
Feel your pain, man.
That's horrid.
You crawl through the broken glass and through the dog shit and you fucking tell her how much you love her, or so help me God, I will fuck you to kingdom come.
Oh! That's good stuff.
Go on, then, consider me motivated.
I am I am ready to do this.
Cor Ohh Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg.
Woah-woah, woah-woah, woah-woah-oh.
Um Please, let me see her.
I just want to talk to her.
- She doesn't want to see you.
- I want to talk to her.
I want to see her.
- You have to go.
Go.
- Nadine! That is my foot! You're being a really mean nun.
You are a very mean nun.
You dick! Fucking nasty bastards.
Shit! Oh, fuck.
Nadine! Nadine! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her? Fucking nuns are full of shit! Nadine, I'm coming for you.
Nadine! Nadine! Nadine, I'm coming for you.
You can't stop us being together, you know.
I'm going to c Fuck.
Ohh! They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are.
Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love.
It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can.
Eh? Are you sure that's her motivation? It's It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV.
Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted They're consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy.
I mean, look at him.
I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing in the toilets? No No.
Fuck.
I mean, what are we talking about? Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we.
You need to help me.
Who's going to help me? Come on! Oh, I see.
Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable.
The number of times I've helped you two out.
And you, man.
What about when you the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap wi' you? Me.
That was you.
You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Did I? Yeah.
Yeah, and why did I do that? Because you didn't want to sleep in your own shit.
That's incorrect.
It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
So, what the plan? Hmm? I don't have I've no idea.
I'm sorry, I've not thought of owt.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination? I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man.
I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm! Use the special powers you got after being struck by that freak storm.
It's just a thought.
You know, we really should use them more often.
Hmm.
Piece of cake.
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Whoa, shh! Nun, nun.
No nun.
Shh! Now, shut up.
Sister Ca Ohh! Shit! Oh, no.
That's really bad.
You just head-butted a nun.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
It's fine.
She's She's an evil bitch nun.
I don't care how evil and bitchy she is.
I'm not kicking a nun.
That's seven years' bad luck.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Rudy? Nadine! I'm in here.
I'm here to rescue you from the clutches of the evil bitch nuns.
Get back! Come on, we've got to go.
I-I-I thought you were on your community service.
We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun.
Some evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner.
Got another of those? Alex.
Jess, I You fucking prick.
Who's she? I thought I was his girlfriend.
I'm I'm sorry.
Don't fucking touch me! Jess, I You've got a girlfriend? Yeah, you're so full of shit! Put your clothes on and shut the door on your way out.
You prick.
You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I want to fuck you? Well Hmm.
Well, that's a very interesting question, with many possible answers.
Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess? Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's There's no feelings.
Not on her part.
It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me? Hmm I need to fuck you to find out.
It's a process of elimination.
And they said romance is dead.
If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty you, let's just weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry.
OK.
Yeah, let's fuck.
Mmm? Mm-hm.
You can start by rubbing my tit.
Any particular one? You choose.
Mmm.
Thick .
.
fingers round my neck are grasping in Have a drink and let this game begin Flash Light Polaroid and one cheap glass of wine I think the moon is full I've come undone Pieces fall This game has just begun So, am I the one? Technically it really wasn't too bad.
It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Really? Yeah.
It's always like that.
But look on the bright side.
At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Hmm.
So, is that it? Looks that way.
Is there any paperwork I have to complete? Why would there be any paperwork? Forget it.
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
What's going on? It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Shit! Jess, wait.
Jess.
It's not what you think.
Right, it is.
It It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the the sex with Abbey, that didn't mean anything.
Nothing.
It's like it didn't even happen.
No.
Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf.
You're a slut.
I get it.
You like him now he's shagging someone else.
You like me? Jess.
Oh, just fuck off.
Stay away from me.
I'm sorry.
What did you do to her? Stay out of it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Look, I-I screwed up, OK? Just fuck off.
You heard her.
Go.
Seriously, get out my face.
She wants you to leave.
They're going to fight over you, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off? Bring it, little man.
Don't you fucking touch him! Jess.
Stop.
Jess.
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt! Guys! Yes! 'Ey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love.
Now we're going for a pizza.
Ham and pineapple.
Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man.
It's That's your sperm, so that's awkward.
No.
What's that? It's them.
Who? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Seriously? When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power? I've head-butted an innocent nun now! Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary Ohh.
Shit! They're coming for us.
But they haven't even got horses.
Who has a horse around here? Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse doesn't have the same ring to it.
OK, go.
Go! Shit! Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace! Move! What the hell are you doing? Hurry up.
Shit! He's cut me.
I'm dying! It's just a graze, man.
Oh, what, so you're a doctor now? Shut up! Run! No! No! Holy fuck! Abbey.
Abbey.
Abbey, are you OK? I was so scared.
Shit-my-knickers terrified.
As he was about to kill me, I've never felt so alive.
I'm sorry.
You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.
Shit! All right Bollocks! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! This is why we can never be together.
It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart, stop it.
Stop it.
Calm down.
Don't say those things.
We are going to sort this out, deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, fix your power, then we are going on holiday, cos I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
Is that it, then? Oh! Jess Ohh It's just a graze.
My bad.
We need to get him to a hospital.
I'm gutted we're going to die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it with you and your emotional honesty.
Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once? I'm sure we're all going to be fine.
Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good.
How? If she dies, they die.
It's her power.
They're right.
No, they're not right.
They're fucking You're wrong.
It's my fault.
I brought them here.
No.
You're good.
You're good and pure.
D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat Cowardly, selfish, violent A world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginae and just splatters on the floor.
You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss.
And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals.
I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse? We go out there and we face them together.
Really? Is Is that where we're at? One for all, all for one, and a nun.
My nun.
My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me? Looks that way.
So, who goes out there first? Someone's got to be first out.
I'm going to go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
What? Oh, no.
No! No! Nadine! Don't.
No Oh No.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Oh, no.
I wanted an ET ending.
Ohh No I really loved her, you know? I know.
I know you did.
This is all wrong, this.
I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it.
I always wanted a BMX.
I just remembered that! I just remembered something.
That's a clue.
To what? To my true identity.
OK, think BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he OK? Jesus, um I don't know his family.
I know he's a barman.
Yeah I'm on my way.
OK.
Bye.
That was the hospital.
It's Alex.
He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him Argh! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't want to be getting a transplant round here.
Why's that? Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seein' this one time, right, and she had an 'eart transplant.
She ended up getting hersel' a teleportation power.
And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is going to be fine.
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
- What's she doing here? - She's on community service.
I don't know who I am! When the storm happened, I lost my memory.
Forgot everything.
So is that it, then? You and Alex, you you're together? Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Yeah, Finn.
Alex? The sexy barman? He's got no dick.
This is the greatest day of me life! What's her name? She calls herself James.
Get your dick out right now! That's mine! Um Oh, my G I came to see you.
I'm not the caretaker.
It's not for me to judge you.
I've got to go.
Oh, no, no, don't.
Please don't go.
How did it go? It was amazing, and then she's Well, she's ran away! She left her bag.
Oh Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
There's a young man here to see you.
He says he has your bag.
You can send him in.
Be careful, Nadine.
Shit.
Sound Of Music.
What about it? It had a nun in it.
And it was a great film, weren't it? Happy Happy Feet.
Happy F Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it.
I'm getting I'm an idiot.
Nadine will see you now.
Penguins.
Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures.
So All right.
Brrr! Happy Feet, innit? It's not funny.
It's just an 'abit.
Habit! Cos you No? Ohh.
So, as it turns out, you're a nun.
A A nun.
I'd have never seen that comin'.
I wanted to tell you.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing What does that mean for me and you, and us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing or I've given myself to Jesus.
Y-Yeah.
But you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, cos I'd settle for being your booty call! I can't see you again.
I'm sorry.
It's It's all right.
So I understand that's a good decision.
I never meant for this to happen.
It's all right.
It's fine.
It's Jesus.
He's the Son of God.
I'm just a dickhead.
Wi' a big mouth.
And a bag, which is yours.
You left it.
I'll just I'll pop it up here, eh? She's all yours.
Just be nice.
She's special, this one.
Rudy.
They should call it Sad Feet.
You must never see him again.
It's too dangerous.
I think it's bigger.
Like maybe the whole swapping thing stretched it.
Well, I'll leave you two to get reacquainted.
You probably have a lot to talk about.
It's definitely longer.
The Lord giveth and your boy takes awayeth.
Sometimes the taking away feels a little bit more than the giving, but What you doing? I am praying, dude.
I'm praying to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can express my physical love for her in a beautiful union of our two genitals.
Amen.
And God's taking these kind of requests, is he? If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean? I'm not being funny, but you and a nun is not something Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.
What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.
Well, don't say.
I'm not.
Well, that's good.
Cos in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, "but judge what he could have done "if he was a different bloke altogether.
"For art thou a leper ".
.
and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn.
" I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
No, it isn't.
It It is.
Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, cos I am going to go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything ever.
What a sweet deal.
Innit? So when are you doing this, then, this confessin'? Lunchtime.
What's this?! What's with the strange, lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up wi' you lot? Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Fuck you! He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and will never shag him.
Well Let her speak for herself, shall we, Jess? And him He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun! Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh? What about you, sweetcheeks? I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection.
I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it.
Which makes me feel sad and lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain and you hang onto it.
You bury it! Deep inside you.
Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Cos that's it.
Feels like your guts are strangling your heart.
Lap it up.
It's good for the soul.
Why are you looking at him like that? It's like a weight's been lifted.
Or reattached.
I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock? I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? Cos he's workin'.
And there's probably a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks.
Well, there should be.
Look at her.
This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's an excuse to be an enormous slut.
I like her.
Do you fancy her? Why do you care? I don't.
All right, well, that's all worked out very nicely, hmm? And I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Hard job.
OK I'll see you later.
She seems nice.
She's a friend.
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour.
Mind your own fuckin' business.
Maybe I'll make it my business.
Maybe I should go into the business of making your business my business, and and then we'll see whose b business it is.
Pfff.
Nadine? It's Nadine.
She's gone.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these.
Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins? Because, dude, you're a twat! A miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly Do you honestly believe that God will let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were going to burn in hell.
And I chose to ignore that.
I'll tell you something right now, fella.
Would it kill you to have a little friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I-I-I cannot get her out of me mind.
It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
Nadine! All right.
Nadine.
That's enough.
Fuck, it's torture.
Come on, let's just do it.
Let's get it out the way.
Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Rudy.
Rudy? Hail Marying worked.
There is a friggin' God.
See it up top there.
Just whatever.
How's me hair? Is it all right? Just get off.
.
No, get off, it's fine.
Get in here, come on.
She doesn't need to see this freak show.
You were going to be honest.
Define "honest".
Telling the truth.
Ohh D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't.
I do not, not at all.
Get in! Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Do you want to hear a joke? Yeah.
What's black and white and red all over? Nun in a blender.
All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red? Nun killing a penguin.
Whay! Respect, mate, you know your nun jokes.
All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cu Ahh.
Shit.
What? Aw, it doesn't matter.
It's nothing.
I'm It's Nothing's Nothing's musty.
Why would it be musty? Um Probably underuse or just a lack of air circulation resulting in general mustiness.
Forgive me, Father, I have Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
No, you don't understand.
I I've I've done terrible, horrible, vile things.
I have had sexual relations with women up the What do your nuns called the arse? The a Up the anus.
Rudy.
I have had a a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
- I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
- No, you don't understand.
I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
Don't.
I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner.
I have violated myself with a fucking king-size Mars bar.
I don't care.
I don't care what you've done in your past.
You've got a good heart.
I promised myself to God.
I was prepared to dedicate my life to him.
I see things.
Violence and cruelty and suffering.
Sometimes I question his existence.
Then I met you.
I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything.
I'll share you with God.
He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he? He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of t'week.
How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella? I think he's cool with it.
That's settled, then.
Forgive me, I'm going to have to nip to the What do nuns call the toilet? They call it the toilet.
Brilliant.
- You can talk how you normally talk.
- Well in that case, I'm going to go for an enormous fucking shit.
Let's stick to "toilet".
All right, no, fair enough.
I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now.
Oh! Rudy? Rudy? Rudy? Hiya.
Um It's It's me, Rudy, Lord.
I I just want you to know that I'm going to take good care of her and God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her.
For I am a sheep.
And you're a shepherd.
And a sheep always keeps his promises.
So, amen.
Oh, and if you could do anything about me bowels an' all, please, that would be very much appreciated, as I am shitting elephants.
Amen.
Fuck.
I'll tell you Nadine? Fuck.
Nadi? Have you seen my nun? No.
Is she here? Please tell me you didn't? - You did, didn't you? - No, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take.
Honestly Have you done this? You've You've done this.
You've You've built up my dreams and y-y-you've crushed 'em.
You're not a shepherd.
You're a friggin' penis, sir.
You can't call God a penis.
God Shit! Fucking That's my fucking TV! Well, we're going to have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay.
Shit! Cor, what a bell-end! Oh D'you know, honestly, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember.
All becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest, with all the soft hair, silky vaginae.
I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death.
I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck? Yeah.
Point being So, there is a point? Yeah, there's a Yes, there's a point.
And the point is - and this is fucking heartbreaking - there are shitters and there are people that get shat on.
I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me.
Me heart's in pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up? And stop Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not.
Fuck's sake! Shut up.
You've gotta fight for her.
Yeah, cos you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! "Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?" I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it.
I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex.
It's a shame.
Really? Is that true? You are such a bitch.
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no.
You're right.
You are both right, and you're friggin' strange.
You have to fight for the nun you love.
Fight for the nun you love.
That's it.
Whoa! Where the fuck do you think you're going? I've just I'm I'm-I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually.
And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you? No, I'd crawl, man.
I'd Dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, I would.
Hey.
That's what love feels like.
Crawling naked through broken glass and dog shit.
Naked? I should know.
I was in love once.
Didn't say anything, I was too scared.
Lost them for ever.
That's That's a shame, man.
Feel your pain, man.
That's horrid.
You crawl through the broken glass and through the dog shit and you fucking tell her how much you love her, or so help me God, I will fuck you to kingdom come.
Oh! That's good stuff.
Go on, then, consider me motivated.
I am I am ready to do this.
Cor Ohh Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg.
Woah-woah, woah-woah, woah-woah-oh.
Um Please, let me see her.
I just want to talk to her.
- She doesn't want to see you.
- I want to talk to her.
I want to see her.
- You have to go.
Go.
- Nadine! That is my foot! You're being a really mean nun.
You are a very mean nun.
You dick! Fucking nasty bastards.
Shit! Oh, fuck.
Nadine! Nadine! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her? Fucking nuns are full of shit! Nadine, I'm coming for you.
Nadine! Nadine! Nadine, I'm coming for you.
You can't stop us being together, you know.
I'm going to c Fuck.
Ohh! They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are.
Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love.
It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can.
Eh? Are you sure that's her motivation? It's It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV.
Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted They're consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy.
I mean, look at him.
I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing in the toilets? No No.
Fuck.
I mean, what are we talking about? Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we.
You need to help me.
Who's going to help me? Come on! Oh, I see.
Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable.
The number of times I've helped you two out.
And you, man.
What about when you the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap wi' you? Me.
That was you.
You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Did I? Yeah.
Yeah, and why did I do that? Because you didn't want to sleep in your own shit.
That's incorrect.
It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
So, what the plan? Hmm? I don't have I've no idea.
I'm sorry, I've not thought of owt.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination? I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man.
I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm! Use the special powers you got after being struck by that freak storm.
It's just a thought.
You know, we really should use them more often.
Hmm.
Piece of cake.
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Whoa, shh! Nun, nun.
No nun.
Shh! Now, shut up.
Sister Ca Ohh! Shit! Oh, no.
That's really bad.
You just head-butted a nun.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
It's fine.
She's She's an evil bitch nun.
I don't care how evil and bitchy she is.
I'm not kicking a nun.
That's seven years' bad luck.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Rudy? Nadine! I'm in here.
I'm here to rescue you from the clutches of the evil bitch nuns.
Get back! Come on, we've got to go.
I-I-I thought you were on your community service.
We all ditched it because we had to rescue Rudy's nun.
Some evil bitch nuns were holding her prisoner.
Got another of those? Alex.
Jess, I You fucking prick.
Who's she? I thought I was his girlfriend.
I'm I'm sorry.
Don't fucking touch me! Jess, I You've got a girlfriend? Yeah, you're so full of shit! Put your clothes on and shut the door on your way out.
You prick.
You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I want to fuck you? Well Hmm.
Well, that's a very interesting question, with many possible answers.
Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess? Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's There's no feelings.
Not on her part.
It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me? Hmm I need to fuck you to find out.
It's a process of elimination.
And they said romance is dead.
If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty you, let's just weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry.
OK.
Yeah, let's fuck.
Mmm? Mm-hm.
You can start by rubbing my tit.
Any particular one? You choose.
Mmm.
Thick .
.
fingers round my neck are grasping in Have a drink and let this game begin Flash Light Polaroid and one cheap glass of wine I think the moon is full I've come undone Pieces fall This game has just begun So, am I the one? Technically it really wasn't too bad.
It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Really? Yeah.
It's always like that.
But look on the bright side.
At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Hmm.
So, is that it? Looks that way.
Is there any paperwork I have to complete? Why would there be any paperwork? Forget it.
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
What's going on? It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Shit! Jess, wait.
Jess.
It's not what you think.
Right, it is.
It It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the the sex with Abbey, that didn't mean anything.
Nothing.
It's like it didn't even happen.
No.
Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf.
You're a slut.
I get it.
You like him now he's shagging someone else.
You like me? Jess.
Oh, just fuck off.
Stay away from me.
I'm sorry.
What did you do to her? Stay out of it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Look, I-I screwed up, OK? Just fuck off.
You heard her.
Go.
Seriously, get out my face.
She wants you to leave.
They're going to fight over you, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off? Bring it, little man.
Don't you fucking touch him! Jess.
Stop.
Jess.
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt! Guys! Yes! 'Ey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love.
Now we're going for a pizza.
Ham and pineapple.
Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man.
It's That's your sperm, so that's awkward.
No.
What's that? It's them.
Who? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Seriously? When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power? I've head-butted an innocent nun now! Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary Ohh.
Shit! They're coming for us.
But they haven't even got horses.
Who has a horse around here? Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse doesn't have the same ring to it.
OK, go.
Go! Shit! Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Mary, full of grace! Move! What the hell are you doing? Hurry up.
Shit! He's cut me.
I'm dying! It's just a graze, man.
Oh, what, so you're a doctor now? Shut up! Run! No! No! Holy fuck! Abbey.
Abbey.
Abbey, are you OK? I was so scared.
Shit-my-knickers terrified.
As he was about to kill me, I've never felt so alive.
I'm sorry.
You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.
Shit! All right Bollocks! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! This is why we can never be together.
It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
No, listen, sweetheart, stop it.
Stop it.
Calm down.
Don't say those things.
We are going to sort this out, deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, fix your power, then we are going on holiday, cos I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
Is that it, then? Oh! Jess Ohh It's just a graze.
My bad.
We need to get him to a hospital.
I'm gutted we're going to die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it with you and your emotional honesty.
Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once? I'm sure we're all going to be fine.
Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good.
How? If she dies, they die.
It's her power.
They're right.
No, they're not right.
They're fucking You're wrong.
It's my fault.
I brought them here.
No.
You're good.
You're good and pure.
D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat Cowardly, selfish, violent A world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginae and just splatters on the floor.
You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss.
And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals.
I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse? We go out there and we face them together.
Really? Is Is that where we're at? One for all, all for one, and a nun.
My nun.
My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me? Looks that way.
So, who goes out there first? Someone's got to be first out.
I'm going to go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
What? Oh, no.
No! No! Nadine! Don't.
No Oh No.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
Oh, no.
I wanted an ET ending.
Ohh No I really loved her, you know? I know.
I know you did.
This is all wrong, this.
I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it.
I always wanted a BMX.
I just remembered that! I just remembered something.
That's a clue.
To what? To my true identity.
OK, think BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he OK? Jesus, um I don't know his family.
I know he's a barman.
Yeah I'm on my way.
OK.
Bye.
That was the hospital.
It's Alex.
He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him Argh! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't want to be getting a transplant round here.
Why's that? Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seein' this one time, right, and she had an 'eart transplant.
She ended up getting hersel' a teleportation power.
And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is going to be fine.
What's the chance of it happening again, really?