Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e08 Episode Script

No, don't cry, please.
Hi.
Hey, what's wrong with Mearth? - There's been a death in the family.
- What? His spider died.
What? Herman? Oh, poor baby.
Well, I guess you're not in the mood for seeing the nice present your mommy and I got for you.
What? Presents, Mearth.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Look, a giant lollipop.
Oh, my gosh! That is a big sucker.
Boy, I guess this is just about the best present I ever got.
Or is it? Aw, Grandma.
Ha, ha.
Whoo.
Gosh, you know something, Grandma? And Mommy and Daddy? You see inside there's Mr.
Silver.
That's what I'm going to call him, Mr.
Silver Helmet.
Mm.
Here we go.
Oh, Mind, a minute ago he was crying, and now from zero to bliss in 60 seconds.
Look at that.
Well, Mork, you see, with children, sometimes just a little present will do a world of good.
- Oh, a little preschool Abscam.
- Ha, ha.
Mearth, don't do that in the house.
You might break something.
Oh.
Look at her go, son.
A loop-de-loop.
Wait a minute, Mayday, Mayday, there's a Chihuahua on the landing field.
Oh, don't look, son.
The little Chihuahua had an overbite and he got your plane.
What happened? Mr.
Silver was eaten by a doggy.
First it was First it was Herman, my spider, and now Mr.
Silver, in the airplane.
I just don't have any friends, Grandma.
Oh, don't cry, Mearth.
Don't cry.
You still have your lollipop.
I guess you're right.
Ooh! But Herman, he's stuck to it.
Oh, well, son, look at the good side.
Now you got an all-day spider.
He's a lot bigger than I remember him.
Here, Mearth, hand Mommy your coat.
Mommy.
The tooth fairy has been keeping up with inflation.
Gee, I wonder who could be behind all this.
Surprise! No, not really.
Oh, son, look.
All this is for you.
You're never gonna be sad or cry again.
No, never.
Even that big TV? Yes, you'll finally see all the lines on Dick Clark's face.
Mork, why does our place look like Bob Barker's den? I don't know, Mind.
Maybe Bob has the same couch.
Ride on this great big green grasshopper.
Isn't it marvelous, Mind? I feel just like UNICEF.
Mork, these things have got to go back.
This is no way to raise a child.
You'll spoil him with all these gifts.
I am still making the same salary for three as when there were just two of us.
And we have to dip into our emergency savings account just to feed him.
He eats more than Trigger.
Mind, come on, now I'm sorry, Mork, but this stuff goes back.
Not the harp, though, Mind.
Not the harp.
Mind, you don't understand, like He Mearth is a musical prodigy.
The other day we were going past a music store Let me show you.
Mearth? Mearth, son.
- Yes? - Will you play that? - That concerto you wrote for Mommy? - Surely.
Okay, this is for you and Mommy.
A concerto.
Winter's coming There's snow on the windowsill Winter's coming There's Uncle Bill Listen to the leaves They're all gone As I sing this autumn song There's winter Snowfall, snowbells Everybody's dancing in the snow And I see you Whoa.
Mind, isn't that beautiful? He wrote that himself.
Yes, Mork, that was cute.
You tell him it goes back.
I want him to have everything I've never had and still don't.
It's no way to raise a child.
Don't you see? If you give him everything now, he'll have nothing to look forward to later.
- You've gotta tell him.
- Oh, it's gonna be so hard.
- It'll break his little heart.
- Mm-hm.
You tell him.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
It was your idea.
All right.
I know that.
- Mearth? - Yes? - Son? - Yes? - You're really not our child.
- What? Mork! All right, Mind.
I was just kidding, Mearth.
You see, the real truth of the matter is that, well, your mother and I are getting divorced.
Mind, after two of those, this is gonna be an emotional lay-up, you know what I'm saying? Mearth, the real truth is that we can't afford all these little goodies, and they've gotta all go back.
I'm sorry.
I read you.
You just You and Mom don't love me anymore.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I can handle it.
I can handle it.
I know what it is to be crushed.
I lost a spider today.
I lost a man in an airplane.
The dog ate him.
Surely I can handle you.
- You just don't love me anymore.
- No, Mearth.
Oh, no.
Don't start.
No, it's okay.
I'll find, you know I'll find something to do upstairs in my room.
Like maybe, you know, playing with the shadows on the ceiling.
Well, are you happy now, Mind? Oh, Mork, he'll get over it.
As painful as it seems now, it was all for the best.
You don't wanna spoil him like that.
You're right, Mind.
Yeah.
He wouldn't have looked good in this fur coat anyway.
What size is that? Answer the door already.
Never mind.
I'll get it myself.
Mork, you're late.
I'm having a barbecue.
I just dropped over to borrow a spatula and a grill, some briquettes, hamburgers, buns, matches and a volleyball net.
How come you're not there? Well, I wasn't invited.
Just as well.
This is for my musical-comedy workshop only.
Exidor, you've gotta help me.
I wanna shower my son with gifts, and Mindy says we can't afford it.
Who's right? Mork, I'd like to help you, but this is the wrong time.
I got 40 starving people in my backyard singing "Brigadoon.
" You need money, go find work.
Well, I've tried to find a job, but I have no skills.
Well, that leaves real estate.
Please, I have some pride.
Mork, I'd like to help What? There's always one idiot who comes to a barbecue who doesn't eat meat.
Now, regarding this problem with your son Exidor, either you've had a revelation, or someone just kicked a field goal.
Mork, I've just had a vision of incredible clarity.
It was just like having the cable.
I now know how you can take care of all your family's financial needs.
Mork, money is the key to happiness.
And the only way to make money is to spend money.
Mork, you've got to make that once-in-a-lifetime investment that will take care of all your family's financial needs.
Well, Exidor, all we have is $900 and my stock in Air Libya.
Perfect.
This will be bigger than Polaroid, Genentech and bootleg tapes rolled into one.
What's the one thing the world needs more of? Nixon impersonators.
I'm talking about bigger, grander, something the world keeps crying for more of.
- What? - Me! Guillermo, keep an eye on the store.
I'm going in the back for more inspected-by-number-seven tags.
Who would have thought Mickey Mantle would end up this way? Wow.
Come on, Mind.
This place is wonderful, just like what the Marquis de Sade would've done if he'd gone into retail.
Yeah, this is a great location, Mork.
You walk through an animal hospital, knock twice, ask for a man named Juanita, then slide down a pole.
How many times you see a hamster neutered on your way into Macy's? Oh, isn't this to die over? I see 20 things I already wanna get.
Oh, Mindy.
Yeah.
I don't I don't see 20 things I can identify.
Look, Mind, you'd look smashing in something like this.
Oh.
Anthony Quinn wouldn't look smashing in something like that.
I think Exidor is onto something hot here, Mind.
I think he's got a great new concept.
You've heard of Old Amos? Well, how about these? Exidoreos.
Chocolate, cheese and meat.
Mm.
Look, Mork, I admire Exidor's initiative, but if somebody told me he was gonna open a store, this is exactly what I'd expect.
I mean, it's just It's just ridiculous.
Oh, Mind, you call this ridiculous? Yeah, I'd say that just about defines the word.
Mindy, come on, you can't be so negative.
You've gotta find something positive about this whole experience.
Well, the color combination on this cookie is excellent.
Oh, you see? That's wonderful.
Because you know what? You, Exidor and me, we're all partners.
- What? - In the tradition of J.
Pierpont Morgan, J.
Paul Getty, and Jay and the Americans, I have invested our $900 in the Exidor Boutique.
Don't hit me, don't hit me.
I have corrective shoes on.
Mork, you may have seen me angry before, but now I'm talking real angry.
I'm talking black poet, you know what I mean? Yeah, Mind, l Boy, some people don't know how to handle sudden wealth.
I mean, Kenny Rogers wouldn't behave this way.
Come on, Mind, you should be happy that I made a shrewd investment.
You call giving all our money to Exidor shrewd? Why didn't you just flush it instead? Unless you've got an inside tip, Mind, I think that's pretty risky.
Hello.
You are head of a household now.
That means you have responsibilities.
Not only to yourself, but to me and especially toward your son.
And that means you can't take risks with our future.
I'm not taking a risk.
Taking a risk is slicing a bagel without turning it.
Mork, you can't make an investment unless you can afford to lose.
And we can't, and now we're gonna lose everything.
Well, come on, now, Mind, don't panic.
Exidor knows what he's doing.
What do you mean the mannequins want a coffee break? They just had one ten minutes ago, and all they did was dribble.
Partner! Glad to see you brought the little woman.
We want our money back now, and don't call me "the little woman.
" What she's trying to say is, Exidor, we're We've had a change of heart, like Renée Richards wanted to change dressing rooms.
I've only been open two hours.
Even Evita didn't pay off its backers that fast.
We want our money back.
Look, business is a little slow.
But we're gonna have our two-for-one sale.
Buy two, get one.
Who can resist that? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Listen, perky.
Are you insinuating I'm some kind of crackpot? Well, that's what they said about David Rockefeller.
Nobody ever said that about David Rockefeller.
I did.
Pepe.
Pepe, you call yourself a tailor? Just lengthen the sleeve.
Don't clip his nails.
Come on.
- That's it, our money is gone.
- No, no, come on, now, I know.
I'm sorry, I was just trying to increase our wealth.
I know it's a risk.
It's a dumb thing.
Even dumber when I bought the soundtrack to Beatlemania, but it was an incredible simulation.
- Mork.
- Mind? Mork, I'll grant you one thing.
Your heart is in the right place, but sometimes your head is in - Oh, never mind.
I'm going home.
- Mindy, listen.
This is America.
You can come from another country with a name like: And leave with a name like Chuck.
Easy.
There's gotta be a way out of here.
Mind, come on.
He can sell anything here.
If they can sell designer jeans and pet rocks, we gotta be able to sell this stuff.
There's gotta be something we can do to make people want this.
Wait a minute! What are you watching? Good afternoon.
I'm Mr.
Mork, and I'll be your guide on this incredible journey through the totally outrageous world of Exidor, where style and elegance meet for a very brief moment.
Won't you join us for this incredible fashion smorgasbord? And let's bring out our first model.
Sissy? In the evening, Exidor comes alive, and so does Sissy in this smashing formal ensemble.
Note the dual-purpose jacket, which converts into a fashionable pup tent.
Too campy? Ah.
Oh.
Thank you, Sissy.
And now, what is this? The Exidor evening gown.
Ideal for dining in elegance or with Pancho Gonzales.
Because it converts into tennis, Exidor? Yes, I bet she's got some good strokes, huh, fellas? That's game, set and match.
Thank you, Sissy.
I think I'd like one of those myself.
And now, what could be more Exidorian than Exidor himself, modelling the executive Exidor? Yes, for the man on the go who can't say no and, well, who drives well in the snow.
Yes, for the true executive, it says, "One good audit puts me in jail for life.
" Now, for you urbane urban cowboys, it's go west, young Exidor! Whether you're on the fringe or just living on welfare, that's right, Hi-yo Silver, giddy-up, move it, horsey.
Whether you're riding the mechanical bull or throwing the bull mechanically, or just trying to figure out what do-si-do means, our Exidor Western wear is just for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, aren't these delicious? Don't you just want to take them home now? Yes, unisex robes for all occasions and every mood, with no fear of visible panty-line.
Well, you say stop teasing, let's get to the real goodies.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to show you our incredible swimsuit collection right now.
It's something that will really Tell me something, Daddy.
Do you think there'll be other children to play with in debtor's prison? Thirty-five for gas.
All right, what next? Forty-two dollars for telephone? Mearth has Daddy been calling Dial-A-Joke again? - Mearth? - I'm no fink.
Yes.
Oh, family, family, I have wonderful, wonderful news.
I sold my Air Libya stock, and look, we got $2.
We can live on this for about an hour.
Oh, Mearth Oh.
Oh Mind, you tell him the truth.
I can't look in those innocent brown eyes, especially with those crow's feet.
Mearth, see, Daddy did a really dumb thing.
It's not that bad, Mind.
Mearth, Daddy's upset because he made a little mistake.
Saying it's a little mistake is like saying Lizzie Borden was a little nuisance with an ax.
Mearth, l I've I lost all of our money.
Oh, I feel like a snail trail without the glitter.
Mork, don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody can make a mistake.
And you happened to make a big one.
But we'll get by, I think.
Well, you can forget about the boutique.
I dumped it.
And it's a good thing.
Otherwise you'd be rich too.
- Rich? - Rich? It's making money? - The place has gone through the roof.
- Why? I suppose you're wondering why.
Teenagers.
They'll buy anything their parents hate.
Now everywhere I go, everybody's wearing Exidor outfits.
Infants, teenagers, Lee Radziwill.
Exidor, you're a mogul now.
I'm miserable.
I was just trying to appeal to the intellectual fringe.
Money doesn't make you happy.
I don't know, Ex, it sure perked up Melvin Dummar for a while.
Here, perky, here's your investment plus profit.
This isn't Monopoly money.
This is real money.
Of course.
I sold out.
I'm just designing now.
The person that bought it is a little strange, but business breeds strange bedfellows.
- Grandma! - Oh, there you are, Exidor.
I'm sorry I'm late, but it was really brutal getting up that pole.
Grandma, why? Wise up, Mindy.
A buck's a buck.
You know, when you dress like that, you remind me of my own grandmother.
She was a strange woman, heavy into voodoo.
Mind, look.
This is marvelous.
At last, we can buy Mearth a little something.
Maybe a DeLorean car.
Mommy, I don't want you to worry anymore.
What you gave me is that wonderful set of toys that's here.
Imagination.
Look, for instance: Okay, give me an O.
Give me a K.
Give me an L.
I should never have sat on the Texas side.
I tell you, there's trouble.
What is it you said, sir? "Let the games begin"? Oh, neat.
They should never have held the Olympics in Australia.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Tub of Lardness.
Na-no, Mork.
- Sir.
So how's that godson of mine? Oh, sir, he's in the pink.
And me? I'm a wreck.
I didn't realize being a parent was so difficult.
I thought the only difficult part of being a parent was going into labor.
Well, sir, that's the short view.
But in the long view, children test you every day, and you can't slide through the essay questions.
Why not send the child to obedience school? That'd be nice, sir, if you wanna teach a child to heel or roll over.
That's not teaching about life.
You have to give them love, understanding, companionship, and, boy, am I lucky I have got Mindy.
- Mork.
- Sir? I never realized raising a child involved so much responsibility.
Oh, sir, being a parent is always on-the-job training.
By the time you learn the trade, you're out of the business.
But if you do things correctly, you'll always be connected with the firm.
Till next week, sir, na-no, na-no.