Mount Pleasant (2011) s04e08 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 8
YES!! You're having an engagement party.
I'll throw it for you.
Oh, Imogen Winters Lingerie Hamper! You'll be up for that, won't you, Lisa? There's one of Lisa with her.
Good, that one.
Well, maybe it's time you got off your arse and came back to meet her in person.
First I'm a bad nana, now I'm a bad mum! Dan.
I need to put things right with Mum.
We both do.
Whatever's happened, you're still my best friend.
That's Gus, Bradley's old business partner.
Gus is not a nice man.
Exactly how much danger are they in? Every morning at 10am, you'll get a text message.
It'll be blank.
You ever look at your watch and it's you get them out of the house and you drive.
Dawson? Charlie! Now then, gorgeous! Maybe Lisa will let me go to Tanya's party instead? Girls only, Barry - they made that quite clear.
It was supposed to have been Denise's engagement, but now it's just an excuse for an afternoon piss-up.
Sorry, you're stuck with your luncheon! It's not even me birthday till next week, so why do they want to take me out today? I think Terry and Margaret operate in a different time-zone to the rest of the world, Baz.
Can you ring 'em, tell 'em I'm sick? Shall I write you a note as well? "Please excuse our Barry from lunch today.
He's got an ear infection.
" Could ya? Morning, Pop Pickers! Wahey! Charlie! How are you? How did the tour go? Hey, I'm off out with Terry and Margaret this avvy.
Why don't you come, tell us all about it? Act as a buffer.
No can do, Badger-man.
Haven't even been home yet.
What? You came here before Mum's?! She's not going to be happy.
Get away! She's kept me up to speed with everything and she knows I'm itching to meet the sproglet.
Which is why I had the tour manager drop us off here first.
Tour manager? Yeah.
Greasy Ed.
Your mate with the burger van? What was he doing on the road with you? Tour-managing.
Hello? Greg.
Jesus Christ, Bradley, where the hell have you been? I was just about to Listen to me.
Everything is Everything is what? That's all he said.
Signal went.
I don't know.
He wasn't calling from his phone.
He never sent his text.
Something must have gone wrong.
Of course something's gone wrong! What did you expect, Greg? A happy fucking ending? Look, all we know is he's He's OK.
But right now, I'd sooner you two weren't taking chances.
I think you should leave.
Ella.
Ella! Can you help me unpack these, please.
Tanya! No! Do you know how many times we've just disappeared? Nobody knowing what's happened, nobody even knowing where we've gone? Not this time.
This time, we are going to do it on our terms, not his.
Yes, we will be leaving tonight.
But not in some fucking disappearing act.
We will be having our party, as planned, with our friends.
This time, we actually get to say goodbye.
Notice her fingers, Dan? Guitarist's fingers, them.
You're holding in your hands the saviour of 21st-century rock and roll.
Actually, we've discussed her future, Charlie.
She's going to marry into money.
I thought you were a feminist, Lisa.
I've had to be.
I didn't marry into money.
I've always been quite the disappointment to her.
Aye, well, speaking of disappointments, I don't suppose I can put it off any longer.
Have to get back and see how Missus and the kid are getting on.
Um when you said Mum had kept you up to speed? Dad! I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's not your fault.
So, where will we go? There's a flat down on the south coast.
It's all locked up.
There's papers there.
Documents.
Money.
Everything we need to start over.
New identities? Can I pick my own name? Come here.
What's wrong? What's happened? Why do you always assume something's happened? All right.
I wasn't going to say anything, because I didn't want to have you worrying all day.
Apparently, Sadiq Anson - he plays on the first team - he's been poached.
Which means there's a space opened up.
There's half a dozen of us to choose from, OK? So if I don't get it, I don't get it.
There'll be other times.
So don't start worrying about me getting upset or disappointed.
I'm cool, whatever happens.
So am I.
I'm cool whatever happens too.
Promise me you're going to that party and you won't spend all day fretting about it.
I promise you, Gary.
I am going to the party.
I do get why you're doing this.
I know you do.
I haven't had much practice at saying goodbye.
I figured I'd make myself scarce for the afternoon.
House full of people.
First time in a while I don't have to worry.
I'll be back after, if you need me to drive you Why don't you come with us? Come with you? Why not? You just got out of prison.
You found yourself in the middle of all of this.
Maybe you could do with a new start too? You do realise, if things really have gone wrong, and this place of yours was always where you were supposed to end up? Then Bradley's probably on his way there right now? Yes, I do.
What will you tell him? That I love him.
That I hate him.
And that it's over.
Nothing he wouldn't have figured out already.
Will you think about it, please? Oh! You have no idea how much I have missed you! Why didn't you tell us about Robbie? I Hang on, you went there before you come here?! Up on stage I was, last night - blowing the roof off the Blamouth Kilters Club.
Thought I was king of the world.
And all this time, my own son's dossing on a sofa, with two failed marriages behind him, one of which weren't even legal, and muggins here knew nowt! And what would you have done, Charlie? Rushed home to save the family? Should have done that the minute you told us he'd rocked back up in the first place.
I'd have seen through him straight away, always could.
But not you, though.
Always blind to all that, weren't you? Probably the reason why he Well Why he what, Charlie? Go on - if you're gonna blame me, you might as well get on with it.
Makes no odds.
I've done plenty of that meself already.
All right.
All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I've only just come back, that's all, and it's the first thing I hear.
Yeah.
You have only just got back.
And what's the first thing I hear?! Where where are you going? Out.
To the shops.
Then to a party.
A party? Yes, Charlie, a party - like you've been having for the last two weeks.
And you couldn't see through him.
You could just see yourself in him.
And we all know how blind I was to that back in the day an' all, don't we? Oh, yeah Welcome home! What? Denise is there already? And Bianca? Oh, I can make an entrance then.
Now then, mate.
All right? I thought that since everyone's next door at this party thing, me and you might have a look out and do some day-time drinking of our own? Right.
Well, sorry, I can't.
Got to look after Molly.
Robbie's out flat-hunting and Barry's going on a lunch date with Terry and Margaret.
I could always ring and cancel.
You're not cancelling! And you're not cancelling either.
Go on - I'll let you off the leash.
As long as you're back for six.
Erm the baby? She can come with me.
To a sex toy party?! It's not exactly the last days of Sodom! It's just a few mates having a drink and a giggle, that's all.
Come on, mate.
I could really do with it.
Look, er I'm sorry about going off on one the other day.
That wasn't going off on one.
Believe me, I've had a lot experience of people going off on one lately.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Even so I'm sorry.
I know you were only trying to look out for us.
Yeah, I was.
But you're right.
None of my business.
It's just I've seen you get suckered in before.
Shelly? Kim, or whatever her real name was? Amber? Tanya's not like any of them! She's not a drug smuggler maybe, but she's still bad news.
You're wrong.
Some bloody spoilt little brat only brought a sodding rabbit in with her this morning! A rabbit! And I had to christen it! I had to christen a bloody rabbit! We're in the middle of a private conversation here.
What? Well, how was I supposed to know that? What's it about? Right.
Fine.
God forbid I should ever get to burden anyone with my woes.
Oi! Nebby! Come on, Pauline.
A little treat for Charlie? Well, I've seen him wear worse things.
Some of this stuff's weird, though.
I thought it was meant to be erotic? Here you are, love.
Bit young for me, that one.
Yeah An adult-sized bra with play-school designs? I'll pass, thanks.
Don't imagine they sell many of these.
Ooh! Teddy bears! Number 33 on your form, love.
Er listen, mate.
There's something else I was wanting to talk to you about.
Oh, yeah? What's that? I'm thinking of moving on.
All right, lads? Don't even bother.
They're having a "private conversation".
Oh, OK.
Fair enough.
Have fun! What do you mean, moving on? There's nothing left for me round here any more.
Me.
I'm here.
Your best mate.
You always knew you'd have to stand on your own two feet one day, Dan.
Time for you to come out from under my wing.
Time for you to soar.
Shut up you, dickhead! Aw, mate, I don't know what to say.
Where are you thinking of going? South coast.
Hey! Jail-bird! You all right? Now then, Charlie.
Private conversation, Dad.
You what? Private conversation! I've just had a big row with your mum.
Then I come here and me own son don't want to talk to us neither.
Supposed to be my victorious return, this.
Hero's welcome.
Roger.
Phil.
Who's buying? Any chance of coming with you? Are you gonna get some? Nice to see her again.
Shame I had to wait for a neighbour's party to get the chance.
It's only been 24 hours, Pauline.
And you stormed out on us, remember? Do you realise how upset Dan's been? How upset I've been? Nobody thinks you're a bad mum or a bad nan.
I can't even believe you said those things.
Because they're true! Even Charlie thinks it.
Oh, and thanks for dropping me in it, by the way.
Why didn't you tell him anything? I was .
.
ashamed.
Robbie is just Robbie.
Nobody made him that way.
And I know you're a good mum .
.
because you raised the man that I fell in love with.
And without that there'd be no Molly.
What do you reckon? I see no ships! Ladies! Ladies.
So sorry.
I just wanted to say a few words.
Obviously, this little gathering was originally for Denise.
For her engagement party.
But well as you know er What the bloody hell are you bringing that up for? No, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Me and Fergus are fine.
We're best friends! Actually, I'd forgotten that's what this party was for.
Well, it's not now.
It's for something else.
Ella and I have Well, we have a little announcement to make.
Oh, for Just You're not up the duff, are you, love? I thought you said this was girls only? Right, ladies.
I do have a splitting headache, so I would appreciate if you do not scream, OK? OK, what did I just say? Eh? All right, why don't you go over there? It's little Ella, innit? I haven't seen you since you were It's been a while.
Come here, love.
No! What? You really think I'm going to hurt her? My own god-daughter? Come here.
I want you to go to the back door, lock it, take the keys out and then bring them back to me.
Go on.
You best get comfortable.
You're going to be here for a while.
There he is! The old bugger, eh? Happy birthday and all that.
It's not till next week, Terry.
Who's counting? The big eight-zero, eh? The big eight? I'm only ten years older than you! Course you are, Barry.
Come on, I've got us a table.
Hello, Barry.
Margaret.
The big eight-zero, eh? HEY! What? She's yours, is she? Don't shout at me.
Ring him.
I don't know where he is.
Neither do I.
But he's far more likely to answer the phone if you call him rather than if I call him, isn't he? So why don't you ring him, and tell him what's happening? RING HIM! It's Tanya.
Let me have a word with Lisa after.
I want to make sure she's not half-cut yet.
Hello? Bradley? It's me.
Listen.
Gus is here.
He's got a gun.
And he says you're supposed to come here as quickly as possible.
Give me the phone! Give it! Bradley? Look, it's not just your girls here.
So there's potential for collateral damage, do you know what I mean? I mean, it's not what I would have planned, but you know me.
I do roll with the punches.
Gus, why don't you just take me somewhere So you better get here as fast as you can.
OK? Are you actually gonna talk to me? What is it? We've got to go.
Greg, just tell me what We've got to go! This can't be happening.
I don't even What are we doing? Why aren't we calling the police? No.
No.
No police.
I know enough about this Gus to know he's not the "come quietly" type.
He so much as hears a siren And what? He's got a gun, Dan.
Jesus! Jesus! What the fuck have you got us into?! It wasn't me.
Him and Bradley, there's history.
He's the reason they've all spent the last ten years moving from place to place.
They've been running from him all this time.
What are we going to do? Whatever it takes.
There's that Florence from your WeightWatchers, Terry.
What's she doing here? It's not her! What? That's not her! Oh.
So Baz, what happened to that little dog you used to have? He's living in Portugal with our Pam.
Bet you get lonely without him.
There's that Florence from your WeightWatchers, Terry.
What's she doing here? Oh, aye! Yeah! Florence, love! Over here.
Room for a little one! Bunch up.
We used to be quite the little team, didn't we? Thick as thieves.
Excuse the pun.
No, we were never a team.
We were a team.
Until you betrayed me.
Till I had to spend ten long years trying to find you again.
And all this is news to you, isn't it? Mum told me everything.
Oh, everything? Everything, Tanya? You do realise you're bleeding, don't you? That's nothing.
You should see the other fella.
Who I believe you know.
What happened? What do you think happened, eh? Did you know what he was planning? When did I ever? Because it didn't work out too well for him.
What have you done to him? Well, obviously not enough.
But that's what we're here to remedy, innit? A rabbit, eh? Yes.
Right.
Cheers, Charlie.
What about you, Rev? Got any of the congregation on the go? "On the go"? No, I haven't.
He did move in with Bianca for a bit, though.
Yes, but not like that! I had an infestation.
Ooh.
That'll put paid to it, all right.
I win.
Your round.
What? I didn't even know we were playing a game.
Be why you lost, then.
Need some bog-roll.
You're trying to fix me up! Hey, just call me Cupid! We worry about you, Barry.
We don't like to see you alone.
I'm not alone! You've got a great big hole and it wants plugging.
I don't need her plugging it! Give her a chance.
She's meant to be a right goer.
Don't look at the house.
Dan! Well?! He's not answering.
He tried to ring me this morning, but What's wrong with these people?! What the fuck are they involved in? I knew it, I knew it - the whole family's a raving bunch of psychos and now It's nothing to do with Tanya or Ella! They never asked for any of this.
Cos you know them so well, don't you? Yeah, I do.
You must do, since you're planning on running away with them to the south fucking coast! What's going on? I guess sometimes you've just got to let things go.
For the best.
Even if that does mean you end up on your own.
I used to love living by myself.
But lately II don't know.
No such thing as happy hour with you two, is there? But if it's advice on the fairer sex you're after, you've come to the right place.
I'm more than happy to share my own personal experiences of what makes for a long and happy relationship.
I thought you and Pauline had just had a blazing row? Yes, and could I also just point out that your "long and happy relationship" also included a brief interval where you disappeared off to the Costa del Sol for eight years? Oh, yeah.
And I've just found out me other son's a bigamist.
I need the lav.
Hold it in.
You try holding it in when you get to my age! I have no intention of getting to your age, Grandma.
Yes? What? I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
I'm really sorry, but I need to go too.
Right.
Anyone else?! I don't think so.
It's for your phone.
Put your phone in it! All of get your phones out, in the box.
Come on! Sometime today.
You an' all.
Gary's meant to call.
Oh, is Gary meant to call? I didn't realise Gary was meant to call.
PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN THE BOX! Right, come on, Mrs Brown, if you want to go.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? What you should have done - calling the police.
Have you listened to a word we've said? That's my mum in there! Yes.
And my wife! And my baby.
Does Dad know? Nobody knows anything except us.
And we're going to have to keep it that way.
And Dan's right.
Police will just surround the place, then he's nothing left to lose.
There's one of him and three of us.
But we have to get in there first.
Get in there? How are we supposed to do that? Spare room.
There's no lock on the window.
Bradley's got a ladder round the back of his garage.
Maybe if we You don't even know where they are.
For all we know, he could have moved them upstairs.
Then one of us will have to go through the front.
Act like we don't know what's going on.
Get a message out to the others letting us know where they are.
Robbie? Have you both gone mental? I'm not walking in there! Can you not move any faster? Right, who's next? Gus, you need to go to hospital.
I'm fine.
It's not going to stop by itself.
You need to get professional help I just said I'm fine, didn't I?! I'm fine.
Right.
You.
Toilet.
Up.
Let's go.
Oi! Oi! Listen, you don't know who you're dealing with.
Neither does he.
He drops his guard for one second and he won't have the fingers left to pick it up again.
Then by the time I'd lost my fourth husband, half the family didn't bother coming to the funeral at all.
Think they'd had enough of them.
Well, they'd had a busy year.
Widowed, eh, Barry? Just like you.
Who'd have thought it? Don't know how I'll cope when she's gone.
You might go first.
Unlikely.
I was just saying to our Bazza earlier about these being the golden years.
You don't want to spend them alone and unhappy.
When I lost my wife My ONLY wife .
.
I thought I'd never be happy again.
But now I live with me daughter and me son-in-law and the most beautiful baby girl you have ever seen.
Maybe it's not the same sort of happy.
But it's still happy.
That's MY golden years.
I'm going to t'toilet.
Do you need any bog roll? No, thanks.
Right.
That's getting worse.
How much longer do you think you can leave it? Long enough.
You do realise he might not even be coming? With you two here, he's coming.
Things have changed.
Ah, what's that I hear? The rushing of angel's wings.
Hi.
Um I need to speak to Lisa.
Can I come in? Lisa's not here.
I think I should come in.
No.
I said Lisa's not here! All right, you.
In! Come on! Quickly.
Put your phone in there.
What's going on? What, you've never been to a lingerie party before? Well, we're a bit short of seats, I'm afraid.
I'm sure the ladies won't mind if you squeeze in on the sofa next to them.
Front room.
All right, she's shut up now.
Put her down and come back.
I think she needs changing.
Oh for f! Well, do it quickly.
I haven't got any nappies with me.
What kind of mother comes out without a fresh nappy? The type that lives next door! Shall I just pop back? Lisa, listen There's some flannels and some talcum powder upstairs in the bathroom.
Why don't you go and freshen her up? You can wrap her in a clean towel or something.
Yeah, all right.
Do that.
Pauline, do you want to give me a hand? No.
No, you can't both go! You put the baby back, you go and get it and come straight back down.
You're too used to pull-ups, you lot.
If we had some safety pins Well, we haven't got any safety pins.
Look, it's come undone again! How hard can it be?! Come here.
Get out of the way.
Yes, I know.
Mummy can't do it, can she? There you are.
It's not exactly rocket science! All right, it's done.
Good girl.
You lie there Oh, yeah, pretty boy? I reckon you can do better than that.
Worth dying for, is she? She's my mum.
And? 'Hello?' What's that noise? Oi! Knobhead! Very nice.
Very good.
Yeah, I like that.
I don't know you.
But I think I know who you are.
Greg, isn't it? You do realise that my husband is pointing a gun at you? This ain't my first disco, darling.
I do know the difference between somebody who can fire a gun and somebody who can't.
You don't think I'd pull this trigger, eh? After what you've put my wife through? My baby? My mum? My brother? The four people I love more than anything else in the world? Honestly? No, I don't.
Bradley's not coming.
He doesn't even know you're here.
He's not the one that I trust to keep us safe any more.
You want payback for us bailing out on you, Gus? I think you've already had that.
Ten years we've been running away from you.
Ten years I have been lying to my own daughter.
Ten years we have been ruining the lives of everyone around us.
That should be enough, shouldn't it? But it never will be.
Mum! Don't.
Don't.
Call the police.
Go on, then, Gus, sit down and make yourself comfy.
Mum? Are you all right? Oh, God! You stupid stupid sod.
What were you going to do with that lamp? I've absolutely no idea.
Despite the nagging, there are some things I can't fault her for.
Like If I crawl into bed with me shoes on, when I wake up in the morning, they're always back by the front porch.
I dunno how she does it.
I double knot an' all.
You know how some people, when they do bacon and eggs and they form it into a sort of a smiley face? Denise used to do that with Sunday roast.
Y'know, when I was at Bianca's, every night, she used to bring me in a nightcap.
Just a small glass of sherry.
I never even asked for it.
And then one night, she didn't.
And I'm not saying I complained per se, but, you know, I might have casually mentioned it over breakfast or something.
Anyway, the next night when I retired .
.
there on the pillow, an entire bottle.
I need a drink.
What's up with you lot? We were talking about women.
Do NOT get me started! Something to tell the grandkids, eh? If I'd have lost you If I'd have lost you both But you didn't.
And you won't.
Ever.
Daddy the action hero, eh? Who'd have thought it? We're going to go away.
Away from all the nutters.
Away from everything.
A big holiday - a cruise! No mental neighbours, no mad family, no work, no pressure No more adventures.
Just you, me and the baby.
And Dad? I said away from all the nutters! And Bazza, yes.
I meant what I said, you know? I didn't call Bradley because .
.
because he's not the one I trust to keep us safe any more.
Nobody needs to keep you safe any more.
I don't know, Greg.
I think someone always needs to keep an eye on me, don't you? The offer still stands.
A fresh start.
A normal life for the first time ever.
Me Ella .
.
you.
I'll throw it for you.
Oh, Imogen Winters Lingerie Hamper! You'll be up for that, won't you, Lisa? There's one of Lisa with her.
Good, that one.
Well, maybe it's time you got off your arse and came back to meet her in person.
First I'm a bad nana, now I'm a bad mum! Dan.
I need to put things right with Mum.
We both do.
Whatever's happened, you're still my best friend.
That's Gus, Bradley's old business partner.
Gus is not a nice man.
Exactly how much danger are they in? Every morning at 10am, you'll get a text message.
It'll be blank.
You ever look at your watch and it's you get them out of the house and you drive.
Dawson? Charlie! Now then, gorgeous! Maybe Lisa will let me go to Tanya's party instead? Girls only, Barry - they made that quite clear.
It was supposed to have been Denise's engagement, but now it's just an excuse for an afternoon piss-up.
Sorry, you're stuck with your luncheon! It's not even me birthday till next week, so why do they want to take me out today? I think Terry and Margaret operate in a different time-zone to the rest of the world, Baz.
Can you ring 'em, tell 'em I'm sick? Shall I write you a note as well? "Please excuse our Barry from lunch today.
He's got an ear infection.
" Could ya? Morning, Pop Pickers! Wahey! Charlie! How are you? How did the tour go? Hey, I'm off out with Terry and Margaret this avvy.
Why don't you come, tell us all about it? Act as a buffer.
No can do, Badger-man.
Haven't even been home yet.
What? You came here before Mum's?! She's not going to be happy.
Get away! She's kept me up to speed with everything and she knows I'm itching to meet the sproglet.
Which is why I had the tour manager drop us off here first.
Tour manager? Yeah.
Greasy Ed.
Your mate with the burger van? What was he doing on the road with you? Tour-managing.
Hello? Greg.
Jesus Christ, Bradley, where the hell have you been? I was just about to Listen to me.
Everything is Everything is what? That's all he said.
Signal went.
I don't know.
He wasn't calling from his phone.
He never sent his text.
Something must have gone wrong.
Of course something's gone wrong! What did you expect, Greg? A happy fucking ending? Look, all we know is he's He's OK.
But right now, I'd sooner you two weren't taking chances.
I think you should leave.
Ella.
Ella! Can you help me unpack these, please.
Tanya! No! Do you know how many times we've just disappeared? Nobody knowing what's happened, nobody even knowing where we've gone? Not this time.
This time, we are going to do it on our terms, not his.
Yes, we will be leaving tonight.
But not in some fucking disappearing act.
We will be having our party, as planned, with our friends.
This time, we actually get to say goodbye.
Notice her fingers, Dan? Guitarist's fingers, them.
You're holding in your hands the saviour of 21st-century rock and roll.
Actually, we've discussed her future, Charlie.
She's going to marry into money.
I thought you were a feminist, Lisa.
I've had to be.
I didn't marry into money.
I've always been quite the disappointment to her.
Aye, well, speaking of disappointments, I don't suppose I can put it off any longer.
Have to get back and see how Missus and the kid are getting on.
Um when you said Mum had kept you up to speed? Dad! I'm sorry.
Don't be.
It's not your fault.
So, where will we go? There's a flat down on the south coast.
It's all locked up.
There's papers there.
Documents.
Money.
Everything we need to start over.
New identities? Can I pick my own name? Come here.
What's wrong? What's happened? Why do you always assume something's happened? All right.
I wasn't going to say anything, because I didn't want to have you worrying all day.
Apparently, Sadiq Anson - he plays on the first team - he's been poached.
Which means there's a space opened up.
There's half a dozen of us to choose from, OK? So if I don't get it, I don't get it.
There'll be other times.
So don't start worrying about me getting upset or disappointed.
I'm cool, whatever happens.
So am I.
I'm cool whatever happens too.
Promise me you're going to that party and you won't spend all day fretting about it.
I promise you, Gary.
I am going to the party.
I do get why you're doing this.
I know you do.
I haven't had much practice at saying goodbye.
I figured I'd make myself scarce for the afternoon.
House full of people.
First time in a while I don't have to worry.
I'll be back after, if you need me to drive you Why don't you come with us? Come with you? Why not? You just got out of prison.
You found yourself in the middle of all of this.
Maybe you could do with a new start too? You do realise, if things really have gone wrong, and this place of yours was always where you were supposed to end up? Then Bradley's probably on his way there right now? Yes, I do.
What will you tell him? That I love him.
That I hate him.
And that it's over.
Nothing he wouldn't have figured out already.
Will you think about it, please? Oh! You have no idea how much I have missed you! Why didn't you tell us about Robbie? I Hang on, you went there before you come here?! Up on stage I was, last night - blowing the roof off the Blamouth Kilters Club.
Thought I was king of the world.
And all this time, my own son's dossing on a sofa, with two failed marriages behind him, one of which weren't even legal, and muggins here knew nowt! And what would you have done, Charlie? Rushed home to save the family? Should have done that the minute you told us he'd rocked back up in the first place.
I'd have seen through him straight away, always could.
But not you, though.
Always blind to all that, weren't you? Probably the reason why he Well Why he what, Charlie? Go on - if you're gonna blame me, you might as well get on with it.
Makes no odds.
I've done plenty of that meself already.
All right.
All right.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I've only just come back, that's all, and it's the first thing I hear.
Yeah.
You have only just got back.
And what's the first thing I hear?! Where where are you going? Out.
To the shops.
Then to a party.
A party? Yes, Charlie, a party - like you've been having for the last two weeks.
And you couldn't see through him.
You could just see yourself in him.
And we all know how blind I was to that back in the day an' all, don't we? Oh, yeah Welcome home! What? Denise is there already? And Bianca? Oh, I can make an entrance then.
Now then, mate.
All right? I thought that since everyone's next door at this party thing, me and you might have a look out and do some day-time drinking of our own? Right.
Well, sorry, I can't.
Got to look after Molly.
Robbie's out flat-hunting and Barry's going on a lunch date with Terry and Margaret.
I could always ring and cancel.
You're not cancelling! And you're not cancelling either.
Go on - I'll let you off the leash.
As long as you're back for six.
Erm the baby? She can come with me.
To a sex toy party?! It's not exactly the last days of Sodom! It's just a few mates having a drink and a giggle, that's all.
Come on, mate.
I could really do with it.
Look, er I'm sorry about going off on one the other day.
That wasn't going off on one.
Believe me, I've had a lot experience of people going off on one lately.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Even so I'm sorry.
I know you were only trying to look out for us.
Yeah, I was.
But you're right.
None of my business.
It's just I've seen you get suckered in before.
Shelly? Kim, or whatever her real name was? Amber? Tanya's not like any of them! She's not a drug smuggler maybe, but she's still bad news.
You're wrong.
Some bloody spoilt little brat only brought a sodding rabbit in with her this morning! A rabbit! And I had to christen it! I had to christen a bloody rabbit! We're in the middle of a private conversation here.
What? Well, how was I supposed to know that? What's it about? Right.
Fine.
God forbid I should ever get to burden anyone with my woes.
Oi! Nebby! Come on, Pauline.
A little treat for Charlie? Well, I've seen him wear worse things.
Some of this stuff's weird, though.
I thought it was meant to be erotic? Here you are, love.
Bit young for me, that one.
Yeah An adult-sized bra with play-school designs? I'll pass, thanks.
Don't imagine they sell many of these.
Ooh! Teddy bears! Number 33 on your form, love.
Er listen, mate.
There's something else I was wanting to talk to you about.
Oh, yeah? What's that? I'm thinking of moving on.
All right, lads? Don't even bother.
They're having a "private conversation".
Oh, OK.
Fair enough.
Have fun! What do you mean, moving on? There's nothing left for me round here any more.
Me.
I'm here.
Your best mate.
You always knew you'd have to stand on your own two feet one day, Dan.
Time for you to come out from under my wing.
Time for you to soar.
Shut up you, dickhead! Aw, mate, I don't know what to say.
Where are you thinking of going? South coast.
Hey! Jail-bird! You all right? Now then, Charlie.
Private conversation, Dad.
You what? Private conversation! I've just had a big row with your mum.
Then I come here and me own son don't want to talk to us neither.
Supposed to be my victorious return, this.
Hero's welcome.
Roger.
Phil.
Who's buying? Any chance of coming with you? Are you gonna get some? Nice to see her again.
Shame I had to wait for a neighbour's party to get the chance.
It's only been 24 hours, Pauline.
And you stormed out on us, remember? Do you realise how upset Dan's been? How upset I've been? Nobody thinks you're a bad mum or a bad nan.
I can't even believe you said those things.
Because they're true! Even Charlie thinks it.
Oh, and thanks for dropping me in it, by the way.
Why didn't you tell him anything? I was .
.
ashamed.
Robbie is just Robbie.
Nobody made him that way.
And I know you're a good mum .
.
because you raised the man that I fell in love with.
And without that there'd be no Molly.
What do you reckon? I see no ships! Ladies! Ladies.
So sorry.
I just wanted to say a few words.
Obviously, this little gathering was originally for Denise.
For her engagement party.
But well as you know er What the bloody hell are you bringing that up for? No, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Me and Fergus are fine.
We're best friends! Actually, I'd forgotten that's what this party was for.
Well, it's not now.
It's for something else.
Ella and I have Well, we have a little announcement to make.
Oh, for Just You're not up the duff, are you, love? I thought you said this was girls only? Right, ladies.
I do have a splitting headache, so I would appreciate if you do not scream, OK? OK, what did I just say? Eh? All right, why don't you go over there? It's little Ella, innit? I haven't seen you since you were It's been a while.
Come here, love.
No! What? You really think I'm going to hurt her? My own god-daughter? Come here.
I want you to go to the back door, lock it, take the keys out and then bring them back to me.
Go on.
You best get comfortable.
You're going to be here for a while.
There he is! The old bugger, eh? Happy birthday and all that.
It's not till next week, Terry.
Who's counting? The big eight-zero, eh? The big eight? I'm only ten years older than you! Course you are, Barry.
Come on, I've got us a table.
Hello, Barry.
Margaret.
The big eight-zero, eh? HEY! What? She's yours, is she? Don't shout at me.
Ring him.
I don't know where he is.
Neither do I.
But he's far more likely to answer the phone if you call him rather than if I call him, isn't he? So why don't you ring him, and tell him what's happening? RING HIM! It's Tanya.
Let me have a word with Lisa after.
I want to make sure she's not half-cut yet.
Hello? Bradley? It's me.
Listen.
Gus is here.
He's got a gun.
And he says you're supposed to come here as quickly as possible.
Give me the phone! Give it! Bradley? Look, it's not just your girls here.
So there's potential for collateral damage, do you know what I mean? I mean, it's not what I would have planned, but you know me.
I do roll with the punches.
Gus, why don't you just take me somewhere So you better get here as fast as you can.
OK? Are you actually gonna talk to me? What is it? We've got to go.
Greg, just tell me what We've got to go! This can't be happening.
I don't even What are we doing? Why aren't we calling the police? No.
No.
No police.
I know enough about this Gus to know he's not the "come quietly" type.
He so much as hears a siren And what? He's got a gun, Dan.
Jesus! Jesus! What the fuck have you got us into?! It wasn't me.
Him and Bradley, there's history.
He's the reason they've all spent the last ten years moving from place to place.
They've been running from him all this time.
What are we going to do? Whatever it takes.
There's that Florence from your WeightWatchers, Terry.
What's she doing here? It's not her! What? That's not her! Oh.
So Baz, what happened to that little dog you used to have? He's living in Portugal with our Pam.
Bet you get lonely without him.
There's that Florence from your WeightWatchers, Terry.
What's she doing here? Oh, aye! Yeah! Florence, love! Over here.
Room for a little one! Bunch up.
We used to be quite the little team, didn't we? Thick as thieves.
Excuse the pun.
No, we were never a team.
We were a team.
Until you betrayed me.
Till I had to spend ten long years trying to find you again.
And all this is news to you, isn't it? Mum told me everything.
Oh, everything? Everything, Tanya? You do realise you're bleeding, don't you? That's nothing.
You should see the other fella.
Who I believe you know.
What happened? What do you think happened, eh? Did you know what he was planning? When did I ever? Because it didn't work out too well for him.
What have you done to him? Well, obviously not enough.
But that's what we're here to remedy, innit? A rabbit, eh? Yes.
Right.
Cheers, Charlie.
What about you, Rev? Got any of the congregation on the go? "On the go"? No, I haven't.
He did move in with Bianca for a bit, though.
Yes, but not like that! I had an infestation.
Ooh.
That'll put paid to it, all right.
I win.
Your round.
What? I didn't even know we were playing a game.
Be why you lost, then.
Need some bog-roll.
You're trying to fix me up! Hey, just call me Cupid! We worry about you, Barry.
We don't like to see you alone.
I'm not alone! You've got a great big hole and it wants plugging.
I don't need her plugging it! Give her a chance.
She's meant to be a right goer.
Don't look at the house.
Dan! Well?! He's not answering.
He tried to ring me this morning, but What's wrong with these people?! What the fuck are they involved in? I knew it, I knew it - the whole family's a raving bunch of psychos and now It's nothing to do with Tanya or Ella! They never asked for any of this.
Cos you know them so well, don't you? Yeah, I do.
You must do, since you're planning on running away with them to the south fucking coast! What's going on? I guess sometimes you've just got to let things go.
For the best.
Even if that does mean you end up on your own.
I used to love living by myself.
But lately II don't know.
No such thing as happy hour with you two, is there? But if it's advice on the fairer sex you're after, you've come to the right place.
I'm more than happy to share my own personal experiences of what makes for a long and happy relationship.
I thought you and Pauline had just had a blazing row? Yes, and could I also just point out that your "long and happy relationship" also included a brief interval where you disappeared off to the Costa del Sol for eight years? Oh, yeah.
And I've just found out me other son's a bigamist.
I need the lav.
Hold it in.
You try holding it in when you get to my age! I have no intention of getting to your age, Grandma.
Yes? What? I'm sorry.
I am sorry.
I'm really sorry, but I need to go too.
Right.
Anyone else?! I don't think so.
It's for your phone.
Put your phone in it! All of get your phones out, in the box.
Come on! Sometime today.
You an' all.
Gary's meant to call.
Oh, is Gary meant to call? I didn't realise Gary was meant to call.
PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE IN THE BOX! Right, come on, Mrs Brown, if you want to go.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? What you should have done - calling the police.
Have you listened to a word we've said? That's my mum in there! Yes.
And my wife! And my baby.
Does Dad know? Nobody knows anything except us.
And we're going to have to keep it that way.
And Dan's right.
Police will just surround the place, then he's nothing left to lose.
There's one of him and three of us.
But we have to get in there first.
Get in there? How are we supposed to do that? Spare room.
There's no lock on the window.
Bradley's got a ladder round the back of his garage.
Maybe if we You don't even know where they are.
For all we know, he could have moved them upstairs.
Then one of us will have to go through the front.
Act like we don't know what's going on.
Get a message out to the others letting us know where they are.
Robbie? Have you both gone mental? I'm not walking in there! Can you not move any faster? Right, who's next? Gus, you need to go to hospital.
I'm fine.
It's not going to stop by itself.
You need to get professional help I just said I'm fine, didn't I?! I'm fine.
Right.
You.
Toilet.
Up.
Let's go.
Oi! Oi! Listen, you don't know who you're dealing with.
Neither does he.
He drops his guard for one second and he won't have the fingers left to pick it up again.
Then by the time I'd lost my fourth husband, half the family didn't bother coming to the funeral at all.
Think they'd had enough of them.
Well, they'd had a busy year.
Widowed, eh, Barry? Just like you.
Who'd have thought it? Don't know how I'll cope when she's gone.
You might go first.
Unlikely.
I was just saying to our Bazza earlier about these being the golden years.
You don't want to spend them alone and unhappy.
When I lost my wife My ONLY wife .
.
I thought I'd never be happy again.
But now I live with me daughter and me son-in-law and the most beautiful baby girl you have ever seen.
Maybe it's not the same sort of happy.
But it's still happy.
That's MY golden years.
I'm going to t'toilet.
Do you need any bog roll? No, thanks.
Right.
That's getting worse.
How much longer do you think you can leave it? Long enough.
You do realise he might not even be coming? With you two here, he's coming.
Things have changed.
Ah, what's that I hear? The rushing of angel's wings.
Hi.
Um I need to speak to Lisa.
Can I come in? Lisa's not here.
I think I should come in.
No.
I said Lisa's not here! All right, you.
In! Come on! Quickly.
Put your phone in there.
What's going on? What, you've never been to a lingerie party before? Well, we're a bit short of seats, I'm afraid.
I'm sure the ladies won't mind if you squeeze in on the sofa next to them.
Front room.
All right, she's shut up now.
Put her down and come back.
I think she needs changing.
Oh for f! Well, do it quickly.
I haven't got any nappies with me.
What kind of mother comes out without a fresh nappy? The type that lives next door! Shall I just pop back? Lisa, listen There's some flannels and some talcum powder upstairs in the bathroom.
Why don't you go and freshen her up? You can wrap her in a clean towel or something.
Yeah, all right.
Do that.
Pauline, do you want to give me a hand? No.
No, you can't both go! You put the baby back, you go and get it and come straight back down.
You're too used to pull-ups, you lot.
If we had some safety pins Well, we haven't got any safety pins.
Look, it's come undone again! How hard can it be?! Come here.
Get out of the way.
Yes, I know.
Mummy can't do it, can she? There you are.
It's not exactly rocket science! All right, it's done.
Good girl.
You lie there Oh, yeah, pretty boy? I reckon you can do better than that.
Worth dying for, is she? She's my mum.
And? 'Hello?' What's that noise? Oi! Knobhead! Very nice.
Very good.
Yeah, I like that.
I don't know you.
But I think I know who you are.
Greg, isn't it? You do realise that my husband is pointing a gun at you? This ain't my first disco, darling.
I do know the difference between somebody who can fire a gun and somebody who can't.
You don't think I'd pull this trigger, eh? After what you've put my wife through? My baby? My mum? My brother? The four people I love more than anything else in the world? Honestly? No, I don't.
Bradley's not coming.
He doesn't even know you're here.
He's not the one that I trust to keep us safe any more.
You want payback for us bailing out on you, Gus? I think you've already had that.
Ten years we've been running away from you.
Ten years I have been lying to my own daughter.
Ten years we have been ruining the lives of everyone around us.
That should be enough, shouldn't it? But it never will be.
Mum! Don't.
Don't.
Call the police.
Go on, then, Gus, sit down and make yourself comfy.
Mum? Are you all right? Oh, God! You stupid stupid sod.
What were you going to do with that lamp? I've absolutely no idea.
Despite the nagging, there are some things I can't fault her for.
Like If I crawl into bed with me shoes on, when I wake up in the morning, they're always back by the front porch.
I dunno how she does it.
I double knot an' all.
You know how some people, when they do bacon and eggs and they form it into a sort of a smiley face? Denise used to do that with Sunday roast.
Y'know, when I was at Bianca's, every night, she used to bring me in a nightcap.
Just a small glass of sherry.
I never even asked for it.
And then one night, she didn't.
And I'm not saying I complained per se, but, you know, I might have casually mentioned it over breakfast or something.
Anyway, the next night when I retired .
.
there on the pillow, an entire bottle.
I need a drink.
What's up with you lot? We were talking about women.
Do NOT get me started! Something to tell the grandkids, eh? If I'd have lost you If I'd have lost you both But you didn't.
And you won't.
Ever.
Daddy the action hero, eh? Who'd have thought it? We're going to go away.
Away from all the nutters.
Away from everything.
A big holiday - a cruise! No mental neighbours, no mad family, no work, no pressure No more adventures.
Just you, me and the baby.
And Dad? I said away from all the nutters! And Bazza, yes.
I meant what I said, you know? I didn't call Bradley because .
.
because he's not the one I trust to keep us safe any more.
Nobody needs to keep you safe any more.
I don't know, Greg.
I think someone always needs to keep an eye on me, don't you? The offer still stands.
A fresh start.
A normal life for the first time ever.
Me Ella .
.
you.