NewsRadio (1995) s04e08 Episode Script

Why are we even doing this? Because lighting the WNYX Christmas tree was Matthew's favorite Christmas tradition.
I thought Matthew's favorite Christmas tradition was making nativity scenes with Marvel comic action figures.
I promised Matthew that, even though he is still fired, we would carry on without him.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing, Dave.
- Can we just light this thing already? - No.
I want you to understand.
I'm doing everything I can to get Matthew his job back.
Why? [ Lisa Whispers .]
Dave.
Huh? You promised.
Yes, I promised.
I promised I-I would, you know, try to get his job back.
So what? I promised I'd personally take him with me on the space shuttle.
Promises are made to be broken.
Well, not my promises.
Matthew gave me his trust.
And he gave me a hundred-dollar deposit on a space-suit rental.
It doesn't mean anything.
Can we just light this stupid thing already? I just really resent the insinuation that I don't care about Matthew.
My thinking is, if you really did care about Matthew, he would be here with us right now, instead of watching us through binoculars from a building across the street.
- It's not fair.
Dave does care.
- Thank you, Lisa.
- As a matter of fact, on the night Matthew got fired-- - Thank you, Lisa.
Dave actually wept.
[ Bill .]
Aww! Oh, my God.
That's so sweet! Thank you, Lisa.
[ Phone Rings .]
Oh, oh, oh! [ Giggles .]
Hi, Matthew.
You guys-- You guys, say hi to Matthew.
Hey, Matthew.
Hey, freak.
Oh.
He's not watching us across the street.
He's stuck at a pay phone downtown.
No, no, no, no.
Everybody's still here.
[ Laughing .]
You guys! Okay, sing the carol and then we will light it.
Fine.
I'll put you on the speakerphone.
[ Speaker: Street Noise .]
[ Matthew .]
I'm gonna belt this out, 'cause I'm at a pay phone.
It's kind of noisy here.
So here it goes.
Okay.
Silent night Holy night [ Man .]
Come on, pal.
You've had the phone for 10 minutes.
[ Matthew .]
Shut up! I'm singing! All is calm All is-- [ Matthew Grunting .]
Would you quit pushing me? All is bright [ Blow Lands .]
[ Matthew .]
Ow! [ Blows Continue Landing .]
[ Matthew Grunting, Groaning .]
[ Thudding .]
Round yon virg-- You guys are not gonna believe this.
Oh, is he weeping again? No.
No.
Mr.
James is outside.
He agreed to hire Matthew back.
Really? Mr.
James, may I be the first to commend you on your very gracious decision.
Yeah, well, thanks, Dave.
Thanks.
I thought it over, and I know how much he means to all you guys, and it's-- it's Christmas, and the damage that he does is pretty minimal in the long run, so-- - You know what? There are two conditions though.
- We'll do anything.
All right.
First, you have got to clean up after him.
I'm not gonna do that for you.
I'll build a crate we can keep him in when he's unsupervised.
[ Lisa .]
Well, what's second? Second, somebody has to enter and win the New York Corporate Charity Talent Show tonight.
When you say talent show, do you mean like high school talent show? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Employees from all the big companies, they get together and they get on stage and they-- Stupid.
All right? Stupid idea.
But I'll tell you what.
You're looking at a desperate man.
Folks, I made a bet.
I made a big bet with Ted Turner that Jimmy James Inc.
could win this thing tonight.
Why? Because! The guys down at my chemical plant, they had this great juggling act.
But then some vat started to leak, and apparently you can't have a five-man juggling routine with only nine arms.
Or 11 arms.
I'm not really sure what happened.
- How much did you bet? - Oh, uh-- Yeah, yeah.
So, what do you say, huh? What do you say? Who wants to help me out? Who wants to put on a show? Not me.
Now, wait a minute.
I thought you guys wanted to help Matthew out here.
We'll do it.
We have to do it.
We have to do it for Matthew.
She's right.
No, she's not.
Yes, she is.
If it'll get Matthew his job back, then fine.
We'll do the act.
All right! Thanks, guys.
I really appreciate it.
I gotta make a call, and then-- Just thanks.
Dude, are you crazy? No.
Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it myself.
I mean, I don't enjoy being ridiculed, but if it'll get Matthew his job back, then I'll dust off the old tap shoes one last time.
Dave, no-- no tapping, huh? The fruity acts don't go over so big.
Now, Dave, you are gonna be in the talent show tonight, aren't you? I'm afraid Jimmy said no tap.
Which was sad news to all of us who enjoy watching a grown man prance about in a straw boater.
I'm not talking about tap dancing.
I'm talking-- Thank you, Lisa.
What have we here? A hidden talent? No, no, no.
It's nothing.
It's a private thing between me and Dave.
- Is it a hidden sexual talent? - No! Good, because there's a big difference between performing at home and performing on stage, believe me.
Bill, go.
Please go.
I know-- privileged information.
I'm sorry.
It's not that much to ask.
At least I didn't tell him what it was.
That's not the point.
- So you'll do it.
- No.
- Come on, Dave.
Nobody's gonna make fun of you.
- Yes, they will.
They'll make fun of me the way they make fun of everything that I was once proud of.
Like what? The fact that I can tap dance at a semi-professional level.
- Well, okay.
- Or that I won the gold medal three years running for best preserves at the 4-H Club.
Or that I played Danny Zuko in a high school production of Grease.
- You did? - No.
But if I had, that's exactly the sort of thing that people around here would make fun of.
So thank God I didn't.
Dude, hold this.
Huh? What? Is this your talent? Yeah.
I didn't know you knew karate.
I don't.
Karate's for sissies.
This is pure Garrelli.
- Wanna try again? - No.
That's it.
You didn't break it.
It's not supposed to break.
My talent is, I can hit anything really hard, and I don't hurt my hand.
Well, that's very impressive, Joe, but it's really not much of an act.
That really hurts, coming from a tap-dancing jelly-maker who may or may not have been a high school thespian.
[ Pop .]
Okay, let's try it again, shall we? Okay.
Another bride Another groom Another sunny honey-- No, no.
Just sing it pretty.
Like this.
[ Piano Resumes .]
Another bride Another groom Now you do it.
[ Continues .]
Another bride Another groom No! Pretty! Pre-tty! Like me! No offense, Bill, but I think that I sing way prettier than you.
Ah! Oh, you do, do you? Well, let's get an unbiased observer's opinion.
Matthew? Bill sings prettier.
Really? Yeah.
It's like listening to a pretty mountain stream filled with pretty fishes and unicorns.
- And how does Beth sound? - Screechy.
I think maybe she has throat polyps or something.
I'd just feel better if I could just-- If you can't figure out how to sing better, I've got a talent that I can do.
Beth? Hmm.
Okay.
But, um-- Oh, sorry.
I sounded sort of okay, didn't I? No.
But I'll mold you.
My mother always told me I had a very beautiful singing voice.
Well, my mother made me wear a dress till I was nine.
They make mistakes, you know.
Put it behind you.
Come on.
Let's go.
Oh, Beth! Beth! Well, what's wrong with her? [ Door Closes .]
Nerves.
I don't think she's gonna get it together by tonight.
Oh.
Find her! Bring her to me.
Okay.
Shoot.
What, uh-- What else we got? Well, there's Joe.
He hits things.
Right, Joe? Right.
[ Yells .]
Good.
What about you, Lisa? You gonna knock 'em dead tonight, huh? If I have to, sir.
Good, good.
What's your talent? Gymnastics? Flaming batons? What? Without mechanical aid of any kind, I can answer complex math questions suggested by the audience.
Well, maybe, if you did it in the nude and left out the math part.
All right.
I'm screwed.
That's it.
Somebody call Matthew.
Tell him he's run out of luck.
No.
Uh, no.
Nobody call Matthew.
Don't tell him anything.
All right? Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you Throwgali, master of the throwing knife.
[ Liquid Dripping .]
Has anybody seen my soda? And even though the light switch is over 15 feet away, I should have no problem in-- And even though the room is now partially darkened, it should be a simple matter to-- Yep, there you have it.
Let the merciless mockery commence.
Dave, I think I speak for all of us when I say this was truly impressive.
But? But nothing.
I'm truly in awe.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm afraid you'll sink a shiv in my back from 50 paces.
Son, you could actually win this thing.
And if he can't, I've got a little talent-- Shh! Well, sir, I can-- I can do my best.
- But I'll need an assistant.
- What for? Well, to throw knives at.
Yeah, I've got this one great trick where my assistant puts a playing card in-- Come on, guys! In the hands of an expert, live targeting is safer than driving a car.
[ Scraping .]
Hey, Bill.
Dave.
He's laughing at me.
He's not laughing at you.
Yes, he is.
They're all laughing at me.
Dave, nobody's laughing at you.
They're all terrified of you.
Yeah.
Isn't that great? Not only am I a laughingstock, but I can't even do my act because no one will be my assistant-- except for Matthew, but that doesn't work, because he likes to improvise.
- I'll do it.
- What? I will be your assistant.
Really? - Yes.
I know how good you are.
- No, you don't.
- Are you good? - Very.
- Okay.
Then I have complete confidence in you.
Well, great.
Great.
- Then I guess I'd better get practicing then.
- Yes, please do.
- You're not nervous, are you? - No.
Oh, good.
'Cause if people get nervous, sometimes they flinch, and, uh-- And-- And what? And nothing.
Just don't be nervous.
[ Band: Fanfare Ends .]
[ Applause .]
He's good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, uh, you're better, Dave.
You're, like, world-class.
- Oh, thanks, sir, but I'm not really that good.
- I'm sorry.
What? I was being modest.
Don't be nervous.
No flinching.
[ Man Emceeing .]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from Shearson Brothers, Petroushka, the fan-dancing mathematician! [ Band: Fanfare .]
[ Applause .]
[ Muttering .]
Well, if it isn't Throwgali, back from the dead.
The one and only Throwdini.
After that incident in Grand Rapids, I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face.
Uh, w-w-what incident? Well, I can't believe the rain hasn't washed you into the gutter with all the other scum.
As usual, your wit is as sharp as your knife, sir.
What brings you here, my old nemesis? Oh, the chance to live once more on the knife's edge between life and death.
Also, I'm an office manager for Young & Rubicam, and the boss likes us to do charity stuff.
You? Radio producer.
- Yeah, I haven't been throwing for a while either.
- No? I'm still training.
This contest is my life.
Well, I'm on.
I'm attempting the triple-Smithberg.
Triple-Smith-- With the bowie knife? Yes.
So, wish me luck.
Well, good luck.
To the sharp art.
To the sharp art.
We should really get together sometime.
I'd love to.
Away with all the knives.
Just call and have fun.
Throwdetta, come! We have a show to do! [ Band: Fanfare .]
Whoo! Well-- [ Applause .]
I can't do it.
What? I can't -- I can't do it.
I can't beat Throwdini.
Maybe 10 years ago, but he's been training.
I haven't been training.
Dave-- Lisa, I can't beat him.
I've watched you.
You can beat him.
You're better than him.
How do I make this clear to you? Throwdini! Throwdini! Okay.
Hey! Listen to me, Dave.
Throwdini! I know you better than anyone, right? Huh? You can beat this guy.
You can do it.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe-- Well, n-no-- Well, maybe.
Yeah.
Sure, maybe.
It was really just dumb luck that screwed me up in Grand Rapids.
Right.
A-And exactly what-- what did happen there? Yes, I can do this.
I lost my confidence for a second, but I've got it back, and that's all that counts.
It's all about confidence.
So, uh, thank you.
Why don't we practice a bit.
Just, uh-- Yeah, up against the cabinet there.
All right.
You ready? All right.
One, two-- [ Sighs .]
three.
Instead of seeing the blazing knives of the great Throwgali, WNYX now brings you the song stylings of the remarkable Beth.
[ Applause .]
Don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Fine.
But if you get nervous, I'll jump in and save you.
Don't jump in.
Shh.
Another bride Another groom Another sunny Honeymoon Another season Another reason For makin' whoop-- Whoopee Bill, what are you doing? I thought you froze up.
No, I'm fine.
Sorry.
A lot of shoes A lot of rice The groom is nervous He answers-- Something, something - It's kind of killin' - [ Man .]
You suck! - No, not you! Him! He sucks! - That he's so willin' To make whoopee Whoopee I'll take it from here.
You just do a little dance or something.
Boo! Picture a little love nest [ Glass Shattering .]
Down where the roses cling It's all for charity, folks! See ya.
Well, looks like I'm gonna lose the bet, folks.
Does this mean Matthew still does not have his job back? Well, just goes to show you, when you wanna do something right, you've gotta do it yourself.
People, I want you to meet Billy.
Why didn't you tell us you were a ventriloquist? I don't know.
I guess I thought you'd make fun of me the way you make fun of all the dorky things Dave does.
- Thank you, Matthew.
- Which really isn't fair.
- Thank you, Matthew.
- 'Cause I hear he was really good in Grease.
Thank you, Matthew.
Wait a minute.
How long you been doing this? Uh, I took lessons when I was four.
And then in high school I did tons of ventriloquist competitions, and-- Well, great! Come on.
Get out there! Let's go! There's a problem though.
What? I don't work for WNYX.
Okay.
Well, effective right now, you are rehired.
Yes! But if you don't win, you're fired.
Oh.
All right.
So give 'em hell, son.
Oh, well, we will.
Won't we, Billy? [ Band: Fanfare .]
Now we have a late entry from WNYX.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Matthew Brock and Billy.
[ Applause .]
[ Clears Throat .]
Hey, what a great-looking audience we got out there in the crowd, huh, Billy? [ High-pitched Voice .]
Yeah, we sure do.
[ Indistinct Mumbling .]
Billy, he's not fat.
That's not very nice to say.
I'm sorry, sir.
He gets carried away sometimes.
[ Mumbling Continues In High-pitched Voice .]
[ Laughs .]
That, you sure could-- Hey, Billy, anything funny happen to you on the way to the theater tonight? Yeah! [ High-pitched Mumbling Continues .]
[ Laughing .]
Oh, um-- Probably heard that one before, huh? [ Mumbling Continues .]
I guess you don't-- you don't want to hear this.
Wow, I suck at this, don't I? See, I was fired from my job a few months ago, and-- and this was, like, my one chance at getting hired back.
Which, when I think about it now, really doesn't even make sense at all.
Oh.
[ Sighs .]
[ High-pitched Voice .]
You did your best.
Yeah, I did.
Which I guess my best, as usual, wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry, guys, that you had to listen to this.
[ Applause .]
[ Band: Fanfare .]
[ Applause, Cheering .]
You know, I didn't want this.
What's the matter? You won.
Yeah, I know.
But I didn't want to win on a pity vote.
That's how I win everything.
You've won something before? Dude, in honor of your return, I now hereby officially light the WNYX Christmas tree.
Oh, thanks.
Matthew, I can't tell you how-- how glad I am that you won.
[ Sighs .]
Thanks, Mr.
James.
I only wish I'd, you know, won a lot of money too.
- I thought you did.
- No, no.
Apparently there was some kind of miscommunication.
[ Joe .]
What? Well, if I asked you for a ten-spot, how much-- how much money is that? - Ten bucks.
- Damn.
I could have sworn it was a lot more than that.
- Who wants another? - Bill, I could have gotten those.
Hey, it's your first day back.
You can reimburse me some other time.
Now that I'm not feeling so nervous, can I put on a little show for you guys? Oh, I don't think that's necessary.
That's okay.
Come on! I want you to see how good I really am.
Hey, Billy, did you have fun at the theater tonight? That hurt.
Wow.
That was really good, Matthew.
[ Joe .]
Dude, that was good.
No, no.
I did not do that.
Honest.
That's right.
The great Ventriloquidini.