Only Murders in the Building (2021) s04e08 Episode Script
Lifeboat
1
[MABEL MORA] Who is Dudenoff?
Do you know who's out to get me?
[HELGA] [ON RADIO]
The last person who came around
asking these questions got killed.
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal.
We send him rent.
The voice on the ham radio said
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend,
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
You may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot.
- [GUNSHOT]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
It's Glen! He's still alive!
[ZACH GALIFIANAKIS]
They got me in my fat!
Dudenoff? He's been cashing
social security checks
at a bodega on 125th Street.
[MABEL] There's two left shoulders?
Sazz's body wasn't the only one
in the incinerator.
It belongs to Dudenoff.
Oliver, I wanna marry you.
Whosever cashing
Dudenoff's checks is after you.
Your friend Howard says
he knows who killed Dudenoff.
Wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
He found five different signatures
- with one phone number.
- Hello?
[HOWARD GASPS]
They know.
[ARTILLERY EXPLODING]
[MILTON DUDENOFF]
Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film
set entirely in a small boat
filled with disparate characters
who learn how far they'd go
to survive the rough waters
of their perilous circumstances.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
In New York City,
a lifeboat can look a lot like
an affordable apartment
in a nice building
on the Upper West Side.
[VINCE FISH] Can I go in this way?
[PEDESTRIAN] Hey, taxi!
[ELEVATOR DOORS SHUT]
[JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Well, I can make another tape. I c
- Hey!
- Hey. Call call me back.
You got one of those fancy invites
from Dudenoff, too, huh?
Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."
I think it was delivered by a raven.
- Is your eye okay?
- Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
Hey! You guys got an invite, too?
[LAUGHS] Yeah. Check out this cardstock.
He knows we can, like, text, right?
Is someone gonna knock already?
[IN EUROPEAN ACCENT]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
- Helga!
- I brought my new girlfriend.
I hope that is okay.
Of course.
Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?
[INEZ] Piggy in a blanket!
[HAMMY SQUEALS]
Oh, hell!
Look who it is.
Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
I'm about to change your lives.
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
One thing about choosing a safe house
filled with your family.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] What's that, Charles?
[CHARLES] It makes going home to a
building full of murderers
more appealing.
- [CAR SPUTTERING]
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]
- [CAR HISSING, RATTLING]
- [MABEL] Seriously?
[OLIVER] [COUGHING GAGS]
Okay, just put [SIGHS]
[SIGHS] No, no, no.
Charles, use your hips.
Up and around like a hula hoop.
Do this thing.
- [CHARLES] It's not helping.
- Would you just let me?
No, I can do it. It's just a problem
with the, uh, th-the fuselage.
How do neither of you know how
to pop the hood of a car?
Because real men hire other men, Mabel.
Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,
and it's good to leave them something
to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.
- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
- [MUSICAL RING TONE]
[GROANS] They're calling again! Ignore!
- [OLIVER MUTTERS, SNIFFS]
- Well, while we're waiting,
we should probably do a recap.
Here's what we know so far.
This Dudenoff guy has a bunch
of rent-controlled units,
and he moved the Westies in.
Then, even though they need him alive
to keep their homes,
they kill and burn him.
And then, they cash
his checks to cover it up.
And when poor Sazz caught onto them,
they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.
And then, they shot at me, barely missing
the most essential person
to our investigative work.
I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!
He was my Wordle buddy!
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
- Oh! [GROWLS] Hold on.
Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.
- [FACETIME ANSWERS]
- Hello?
Hey, guys! So the sexy half
of this crime-solving sextet
has some thoughts.
Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
Now that we know that we're indispensable,
we cannot leave you alone.
We are professional investigators,
and you are playing us
in a movie because of it!
We are fine on our own!
Hey, can we just, uh,
mute you for a second?
If you're muting us, we're muting you!
[ZACH] [ON PHONE]
Okay, good. Muting each other.
[ZACH SIGHS]
Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?
Uh, y-you didn't mute us.
Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.
- What happened? I'm muted. [SNORTS]
- [EVA LONGORIA] No, we can still hear you.
Tell you what? Let's just not mute!
[OVER PHONE]
We need to find someplace safe to plan.
Anywhere but the Arconia.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay. I know just the place.
[CAR HISSING]
♪
Okay, but how do we get a confession?
Well, I have an idea,
but it involves someone.
- Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza
- It's Tony Danza.
Eugene, can we go one day
without you mentioning Tony Danza?
[PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
[MABEL] Hey, look.
[OLIVER GASPS, LAUGHS WEAKLY]
[CHARLES]
How could my character live here?
The albums, not alphabetized.
Oh! Nice.
Nice.
A first edition touching a second edition!
Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
Oh, really?
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- [ZACH] Okay.
So, we bust in on the Westies
with two celebrities
- and Eugene.
- [EVA] Mm-hmm.
Then, what?
It's almost go-time on the movie,
so I'm gonna pump my cheeks
while we spitball.
- Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
- [ZACH EXHALES]
Because it's so simple.
We invite the Westies to, yes,
Tony Danza's 35th annual
"It's Time To Wear White Pants
Extrava-Danza."
Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of
Who's the Boss?
- I don't care. It's okay.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
Then, we tell the Sauce Family
that Tony wants
to start his own line of sauces called
"Who's the Sauce?"
The Westies will then spill their story
on account of Danza's, uh,
neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
- Danza's the perfect plan-za.
- Mm.
I love it. I love it.
I would change it slightly
and maybe not do it.
And instead,
surprise them with a ding-dong.
- Wh-What?
- Uh, say more about the ding-dong.
In soapy TV,
a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.
It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,
or, uh, your paralyzed uncle
starts to walk again after 40 years.
Y-You're overthinking it.
One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
and the others are covering for 'em.
All we need to do is get them talking.
I say that we invite the Westies
to a celebrity-studded
super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.
That's good.
Right. Our own turf.
The key is to remain calm.
Well, having precise control
of our emotions
is what actors do best.
Yeah, the question is can you three do it?
First of all, I am an actor!
Well, let's not go crazy.
But also, I'm entirely capable
of catching the killer of my dear friend
who only wanted to open
a trampoline park so young
I need to lie down.
[PRODUCTION SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
Where the fuck is my bedroom?!
- [OLIVER GROWLS]
- [GENTLE PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MABEL]
I hope Charles can hold it together.
Confronting a friend's killer
just brings up a lotta shit.
[DEVICE BUZZING]
[OLIVER GROWLS]
Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores
with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.
This is the infrared setting.
Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
- [OLIVER LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- [LORETTA DURKIN] [ON PHONE] Hi!
- Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée.
- [LORETTA GIGGLES]
We're getting married
this weekend! [LAUGHS]
[IN CARY GRANT IMPRESSION]
Hello, my darling love.
This weekend?
I know, he's a little old
to have a shotgun wedding.
Yeah. More like a musket wedding.
[WHEEZING LAUGH]
Where did he go?
[MULTITOOL BUZZING STOPS]
Hey, look, it's also a recorder.
[CLICKS BUTTON]
[SING-SONGY]
Eva, you're a genius! ♪
[RECORDER PLAYS] [AUTO-TUNED]
Eva, you're a genius! ♪
It has auto-tune. [GIGGLES]
You wanna try it?
Uh, don't
Definitely don't wanna touch that.
[CLICKS BUTTON, BUZZING RESUMES]
- Yeah. Okay.
- [LORETTA] Yeah.
No, no, honey. I-I will
I will handle it all.
- [LORETTA] I can't believe we're here.
- I know. It's exciting.
Uh, no, I'll,
I'll make the arrangements.
Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.
- [PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
[ZACH] Hey, that's my seat.
Oh! [LAUGHS] Of course it is.
I, uh, I keep forgetting.
- Okay.
- We getting married this weekend?
I am.
Please don't tell me
you're gonna do it at a courthouse.
Weddings demand spectacle.
Music, speeches, AK-47s
shot right up in the air.
Zach, I didn't realize
you were a fellow romantic.
Weddings are the most
important part of a marriage.
My wife and I get married quarterly.
The venue sets the tone
for your life together.
When we want playfulness,
we get married at the beach.
If we've been fighting, then
it's at the site of
an important armistice.
Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
We needed a lot of those.
Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
Oh, she's right. It's perfect 'cause
you'll be right back
there for the divorce.
- Zach?
- Yes.
- We're rehearsing scene 13.
- Which one is that one?
The one where Oliver explains
why his previous marriage failed.
Oh.
- [SET BELL RINGS]
- [SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
Are you okay, Charles?
I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
And to be honest, it would layer
my performance if I could, uh,
see what it looks like.
Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no,
uh, you'll not see what it looks like
because it's not socially acceptable.
Eugene, you wanna practice
flipping omelets?
Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks.
I'll, uh, practice. Anyway,
I'm curious. I mean,
a-are-are you a yeller?
- Do you get violent?
- Oh, no. Worse.
But it hasn't happened
in decades because of my
emotion suppression technique,
which involves breathing and a lot of,
uh, room straightening.
[OMELET SPLATS]
[CHARLES GASPS]
[GENTLE PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
There you go.
[EUGENE CLEARS THROAT]
This bother you?
- No.
- This bother you?
- No.
- [EUGENE LEVY] Does this bother you?
Why are you doing that?
- Does this
- [CHARLES YELPS]
♪
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
Okay, they'll be here any minute.
Now, I know we're all running hot.
We have a podcast,
two murders, a wedding,
but we're gonna stay calm.
Well, we can stay calm way more
than you can stay calm.
- It's not a competition.
- It's now a competition.
I've set my sphincter to clenching,
- unclenching, re-clenching.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- It's them. It's them.
- Okay. Okay.
Maybe I could throw together
a wedding booze cruise.
That's the blueprint
you want for your marriage?
You're freezing, you end up nowhere,
and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
- [CHARLES] Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, hell-o!
[LAUGHTER]
We brought snacks.
[INEZ]
Can't play cards without jamón!
[ALFONSO] That's right, mami.
Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming.
We figured we'd host
since it's a big group.
Ah, please.
Any friends of yours are friends of ours.
Especially if they're Hollywood stars.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch,
but I'm winking playfully.
[LAUGHTER]
- [DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS]
- [MABEL AND EVA GASP]
Let's go.
[KNIFE SLICES]
We know you know about the checks.
Give us your phones now!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER GRUMBLES]
♪
[EVA MUTTERS]
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- So, what's your move now, Vince?
- [VINCE] You're gonna sit there,
you're gonna listen to our story.
Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm.
Although killers do always tell you
their story before they kill you.
They're gonna try to humanize themselves
with long origin stories.
Exactly. Like if we had gone through that,
we would've killed
and eaten Dudenoff, too.
- We didn't eat him.
- Yeah, but you killed him, right?
Okay. So,
Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant.
Milton and his wife were regulars,
until she passed.
Then, he started ordering in.
And when we were understaffed,
we delivered to him on our way home.
- Oh, hell!
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ANA]
He looked so alone in his little studio.
[INEZ] He invited us in.
We started playing cards.
[ALFONSO]
Oh Hell on Friday nights.
It started to become a regular thing.
- [DUDENOFF] Please, please.
- Okay. So, the, uh,
the secret ingredient here
is Jamón Ibérico.
- Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
- [ALFONSO] Oh, thank you.
Our dream, actually, is to, uh,
start our own line of sauces.
And I-I know this sounds crazy,
but Tony Danza would be an investor.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
[EUGENE] So, you killed him
because he didn't deliver
the last piece of the dream?
Don't say Tony Danza.
Sauce Dad said it first!
- We didn't kill him!
- Never.
- Yeah. We definitely did not kill him.
- We loved him.
- Then, Crazy Rudy killed him.
- Crazy? Me?
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING FROM SWEATER]
[RUDY SIGHS]
I don't know why I keep
replacing the battery.
Lovely.
I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago.
I was trying to be an actor,
I was holding down five jobs,
and I signed up for his class.
I remember my first acting class.
It was a film class.
It was in a closet of a basement
of a subway stop.
Most of my scene partners
were sex workers.
[RUDY THURBER] Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
One day, we watched A Few Good Men
in Professor Dudenoff's class.
I ran up to him afterwards on the street,
and I said,
I'd studied a monologue from
that film for my previous class.
He asked me to do it, and I did.
I did the whole thing,
right there at the bus stop.
- It went something like this.
- Oh
"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled."
"You want answers?" "I want the truth!"
- "You can't handle the truth!
- [OLIVER MOUTHING ALONG]
"Son, we live in a world that has walls,
"and those walls need to be
guarded by men with guns.
"Who's gonna do it? You?
"You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
I have a greater respons"
I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do
the whole monologue?
Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing.
I think it's worth it.
"I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom!
"You weep for Santiago Saves lives
"My existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
"You don't want the truth
because, deep down,
"in places you don't
talk about at parties,
"you want me on that wall!
"You need me on that wall
"Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a weapon and stand a post.
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!"
"Did you order the code red?"
"I did the job."
"Did you order the code red?"
"You're goddamn right I did!"
- Oh Oh, that was wonderful.
- [RUDY PANTING]
♪
I blew his socks off.
And he invited me back
to his place at the Arconia.
- That's my jam.
- And this? What's this?
Uh, that is a ham radio.
What do you do with a ham radio?
No, it's just it's just a hobby,
you know? A-And a very
[RUDY] Of course,
I got my own ham radio.
And ultimately, we all did.
And Professor Dudenoff looked at me.
He said
You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
Thank you. That
That means a lot to me.
[SIGHING]
Let me ask you somethin'.
If your life were a movie,
what would be your happy ending?
And that's when he touched
your Santa sack,
and you had your "happy ending."
- [MABEL] Eva!
- [EVA] What?
[RUDY]
No! I said I wanted to stay in the city,
keep performing, keep trying,
and live with fewer roommates
who use towels as toilet paper.
That was my dream.
So, Charles, that leaves
your "friend" Vince.
He exposed you to pink eye,
and what did you get?
Lies!
And, likely, pink eye.
Come on, doesn't that make you angry?
[CHARLES QUIETLY WHEEZES]
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm suppressing,
and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
and I'm good.
Alright. Since none of you seem
to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
Before my wife died, she made me promise
that I wouldn't turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
Now, we both loved movies,
so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer
for his film class,
I thought that this way was her way
of telling me to go
out and make friends.
But, oh, those kids
["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING]
Lang Syne! ♪
- [SONG ENDS]
- [DUDENOFF] You know, the reason
It's A Wonderful Life is timeless
comes down to one thing.
Casting. You know,
if you can populate your story
with the right people,
your work will live forever.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
It's pro-capitalist gaslighting!
George Bailey's life still sucks,
- and Potter just gets away with it.
- [VINCE] [EMOTIONAL] No!
No, you missed the point! [SNIFFLES]
George ends up with his family.
Potter's all alone.
- I like being alone.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience.
[SNIFFLES] But being really alone?
There's nothing worse.
You don't smile, you don't laugh,
you stop caring about
what food tastes like 'cause
[SNIFFLES]
you still wake up alone again without her.
Every class
But Dudenoff, him I liked.
"hates poor people.
This movie hates trees."
Why do they have to be
so mad all the time?
- This world's a dumpster fire.
- [VINCE] It sure is.
In this city, you know, kid,
you can't even afford an apartment
unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
- And why can't a movie just be a movie?
- [DUDENOFF SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Jack Lemmon in The Apartment.
I-I-I didn't know that
[VINCE] And he invited me
to join his weekly card game.
[DUDENOFF] I-I feel empathetic.
[VINCE] I had no idea
why he knew we'd click
[MUFFLED CHATTER]
- but we did.
- [RUDY CHUCKLES]
His wife had been a music teacher.
Back when the city was cheap,
whenever a unit would
open up on their floor,
they would grab it. You know,
she'd use it for music classes or,
you know, uh, let a kid stay there
if he was going through tough times.
But with her gone,
Professor Dudenoff was living
amid, um, an empty hallway.
He just couldn't bear to
give up those apartments.
And one night,
after many hours of Oh Hell,
he decided that
he wasn't going to turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
He broke the law for us,
so that we could have
a chance at our dreams.
But he had a dream, too.
To live in Portugal.
And he left. And, no,
- we haven't heard from him since.
- [ALFONSO] And, yes,
we've been keeping up the ruse and
cashing his checks.
So that's the whole thing?
Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
I could do a comedy
version if you want
[OVERLAPPING "NOS"]
- Thank you.
- [OLIVER] Oh God, no.
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Not yet.
It's ding-dong time.
[GASPS] You pulled a ding-dong?
- It was a good idea.
- [DOOR OPENS]
[TENSE STING]
- [DOOR SHUTS]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WESTIES GASP]
- Helga?!
What are you doing here?
Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
I'm here to tell the truth.
We can't handle the truth.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] You're Helga?
I imagined you toothless with a club.
[SCOFFS] Disregard him, Helga.
His brain is covered with plaque.
Please go on.
I-I first met Dudenoff
when I'd just become a locksmith,
which was my childhood dream.
Wait? Really?
No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot.
So, my father died
and left me the business.
He was all I had until I met Dudenoff.
[MUFFLED "PERFECT STRANGERS"
THEME SONG PLAYING]
[DUDENOFF HUMMING ALONG]
[SINGS] Standing tall ♪
You know, it's before your time,
but that's the theme song to
It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- You know, I've never met anyone
- who loses their keys this often.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
Some people your age
put it on a retractable belt
It's not dementia.
I always lose my keys. I
My wife used to let me in, but
[THEME SONG CONTINUES]
- Okay!
- [LOCK BUZZES]
- Ah, look at that.
- [HELGA] So, uh,
what is a code that someone
your age can remember?
[SIGHS] How about, um,
"Oh Hell"?
Wait, like the card game?
- You know it?
- [HELGA] My father and I
used to play all the time.
I haven't since he died.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry,
you just look so much like him.
Except, uh, he was tall.
And blonde. And hot.
[DUDENOFF CHUCKLES]
Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers.
Huh
You know, uh,
we have this little
card game Friday nights.
[HELGA]
And that is how I met the gang.
- Why not?
- [ALFONSO] Mm! Mm!
[HELGA] Yeah, I was there, too.
I'm sure they didn't mention that.
- Wow.
- [ALFONSO] Yeah!
[HELGA] At first,
they were the nicest group of people
I had met in New York City,
a place I'd always wanted to call home.
[INEZ]
Helga, so where do you live, honey?
Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel.
It's only 85 train stops away.
You'd love it.
Then, he gave us these
nice cheap apartments,
and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers
into a family.
But a few years later
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
he was gone.
[KEYS JINGLE]
Said he felt bad doing it in a note,
but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
He was off to Portugal.
After helping us with our dreams,
he wanted to live his.
- [POWER SNAPS, WHIRS DOWN]
- [MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY]
- [LIGHTS CLICK, POWER WHIRS BACK]
- [MUSIC RESTARTS]
I knew the power only surged
when the old incinerator was used,
but I didn't suspect anything. Yet
[PODCAST PLAYING ON PHONE]
Suddenly, we all went from
talking every day to nothing.
Total silence.
And then, your podcast started.
[MABEL] [ON PODCAST]
One thing was for sure.
Someone in the Arconia
was hiding something.
[OLIVER] [ON PODCAST] A homicidal freak
who poisoned a perfect,
if gassy, dog.
[HELGA]
Everyone was acting so secretive.
Helga!
[HELGA]
I listened to the podcast.
All those unexplained things
someone in the building
was doing to scare you.
What if it was them trying to
cover up what they had done?
Let's play cards.
[HELGA] And I started to wonder.
[GROUP MURMURING]
Please.
[HELGA]
Why did the power surge that night?
I couldn't prove they had anything
to do with Dudenoff's disappearance,
but I knew in my bones
I had to move out.
They killed him!
- [INEZ GASPS]
- We didn't!
- No, no! He went to Portugal.
- Dead men don't send ham!
Then, what's this?
I can't see.
I actually don't know. What is that?
- Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder.
- [ALL GASP]
It was in the incinerator.
You killed and burned him that night.
And when Sazz figured it out,
you killed and burned her, too.
And when we tried to look into that,
you tried to kill me!
Yeah, another way to put that
is you actually shot me.
What are we doing? What are we doing?
What are we doing?
These people are murderers!
I'm tired of being the nice guy here
with no temper!
I'm a Canadian man connected
to his rage right now!
And [LAUGHS] God, it feels so good!
Charles, tantrum with me.
No, no, no.
They incinerated your friend, Charles.
- And then plied you with word games
- No. [LAUGHS] No. No.
From the New York Times!
[GASPING, QUIET WHEEZING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- So far, I'm underwhelmed.
- [COASTERS CLATTER]
[GASPING BREATHS]
[OLIVER] Uh-huh
- [BARELY AUDIBLE WHEEZING]
- Yes. Interesting.
Is this how I find out he's a mime?
No, no, no. We can't hear him,
but I'm so tuned into his character,
I can feel his words. He's saying
[BARELY AUDIBLE WHEEZING]
"These people killed Sazz!
"I am steamed and put out!
- To some degree."
- [VINCE] Oh, the hell with this!
- Gimme that! Helga!
- [INDISTINCT YELLING]
You're not the only one who got a note
the night that Dudenoff died.
Now, everybody,
come with me!
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
We all got notes that night.
Only ours were different.
[RUDY] "You are cordially
invited to my funeral.
Midnight, in the basement.
Don't tell Helga."
- [ALFONSO] What the fuck?
- Funeral?
I don't like it.
Come on. Let's go.
- [ANA SIGHS]
- [ALFONSO] Come on, come on.
[MUSIC BUILDING]
[SERVICE ELEVATOR RATTLING]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Hey! Milton, what's going on?
- Hey Okay
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES]
Hey, can I just talk?! Can I?
- Yeah.
- Of course.
[DUDENOFF] Uh, so,
you know I'm always saying a movie
is only as good as its cast?
Now, I'm just a teacher.
I never got to make
my own movie.
But I'll tell you this.
If our lives were a movie
[LAUGHS]
I cast the shit outta this one.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
Well, uh
I-I have some medical news.
[WEAK LAUGH] Um
I'm an old guy, so, you know,
it's not like Terms of Endearment sad
or anything,
but, you know, I Uh
they tell me I've, uh,
only got a few months.
- [SHOCKED CHATTER]
- And so
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, you know, when I'm gone
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
uh, this building,
they're gonna swoop in and,
you know, tear our cast apart. But,
I have a workaround.
And, uh
and it's that you will all keep me alive.
W-Well, I mean, actually no
'cause I've just taken
a hell of a lot of pills.
[SHOCKED CHATTER]
I want you, tonight,
to put my body in the incinerator!
- [ALL YELLING]
- [DUDENOFF] Yes! Yes!
And then, I want you to cash
my social security checks,
and I want you to tell everybody
I just moved to Portugal.
[SIGHS]
And you
you can't tell Helga.
I'm just gonna record a message,
you know, in case, uh,
you know, she finds out,
and then, she won't blame you.
- We can call an ambulance.
- Yeah
No, come on, let me do this.
Just let Just let me do this.
Please. And then, you know, afterwards,
then let's just all hug and shit, okay?
Hey, so, Vince, come on.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing.
Come on. One take.
[SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [CLICKS KNOB, FILM WHIRS]
- [ALFONSO] It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
[CAMERA WHIRRING]
♪
[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
[DUDENOFF] [ON FILM]
Hey, Helga. I know you're angry.
But, you know, you had such a, uh,
hard time bouncing back after your dad
that I-I had this
stupid thought that maybe I could
shield you from another death.
But, if you're watching this,
then, you know,
my master plan has gone to hell.
And, hopefully, I haven't.
What can a guy do but try, right?
Here's looking at you, kid.
[FILM CRACKLES]
[PROJECTOR CLICKING]
- We're so sorry, baby.
- [HELGA SNIFFLING]
Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted,
to keep us all together.
[VINCE] Move on back in with us.
- Please.
- Please.
It is the only place in New York
where I can have a pig.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [MABEL] Wait.
Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
That was another lie?
Yeah, in addition to
setting a human on fire,
we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
May God have mercy.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [HELGA SNIFFLES]
[MABEL SIGHS]
[EVA] Hmm.
So, these are not murderers.
[EVA] No, but
we've got one hell of a podcast.
- [MULTITOOL CLICKS]
- [ALFONSO] [AUTO-TUNED] And, yes,
we've been keeping up the ruse
and cashing his checks.
Oh God. We're going to jail.
- Well
- [CLICKS BUTTON]
No, you're not.
Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
living in the Arconia.
The podcast brought us together.
I don't wanna use it to tear them apart.
- [WESTIES MURMURING]
- [QUIETLY] Bless you.
So, humanity's more important
to you than the podcast?
- What a revelation.
- [EVA] Hmm.
Okay, what if it's not three losers,
but, like, a family of losers
who wants to make the world a better place
before two of them die?
That's one way to look at it.
Yeah. Well, I have more.
- You wanna hear more?
- [MABEL] No thanks.
Speaking of family, I should tell you
that I had my assistant's assistant
book you a wedding atop
the Empire State Building,
encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
- No, no. I
- Don't worry. I-'m gonna
I'll pay for it.
I wish I could tell you this
gives me joy, but it doesn't.
You are not the romantic
I thought you were,
and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
or respect you.
So, [SIGHS] here we are.
Well, thank you, Zachary, for those
lovely words. But,
Loretta and I shall marry here,
in the Arconia.
This is where we fell in love,
and I want a marriage
where we fall in love every day
for the rest of our very long lives.
You
adorable baloney loaf.
- [WEAK LAUGH]
- You
beautiful bitchy
baloney loaf.
Do you know what a baloney loaf is?
Uh
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
You are a romantic.
- [SMACKS]
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
You got me in touch with my emotions.
Thank you.
Well, it was an honor playing a small part
in bringing out your true self.
And Charles, I won't
alienate your audience
- by putting any of it on film.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- You good?
[MABEL] Yeah, I'm good.
[DUDENOFF] Whether
or not everyone makes
it back to shore in
the movie Lifeboat
♪
I'll leave for you to discover.
But what the film is really about
is found families,
fighting together for their survival
in waters that can be
really tough to get through
if you're all alone.
[GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MABEL] In the end, there was
no murder in the West Tower.
Just a guy who moved to Portugal
- and made a family out of strangers.
- [RECORDER BEEPS]
Well, found family,
we buried a great podcast story
and are back to square one.
[DROPS CARDS]
[SIGHS] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
when we run out of leads?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong!
[OLIVER SIGHS]
- Think he's got any Gut Milk in there?
- [DOOR OPENS]
I already checked the fridge.
He just has beer.
- [HAMMY OINKING]
- Look who's here.
Oh, hey, Helga.
I see you got your pig back.
Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man
who reluctantly returned her to me.
I think his name is Howard?
[HAMMY GRUNTS]
I didn't want to bring it up
among the reunions,
but I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
Wait. You actually knew her?
Yes. She was on the ham radio,
asking about all these huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.
- Not holes.
- Oh!
You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
There was another thing though.
She talked about a stuntman
on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
She said he was her protégé,
but that he had messed up pretty badly
and he was harassing her.
She said, "He's dangerous,
and he's gonna be the death of me."
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
- Check IMDb.
- That's a website.
- I know what IMDb is.
My agent says he's gonna get me on it.
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
Who's the stuntperson?
Is it someone we can talk to?
- Not exactly.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
[MEDICAL DEVICES BEEPING, HISSING]
[MUSIC BUILDING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[MABEL MORA] Who is Dudenoff?
Do you know who's out to get me?
[HELGA] [ON RADIO]
The last person who came around
asking these questions got killed.
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal.
We send him rent.
The voice on the ham radio said
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend,
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
You may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot.
- [GUNSHOT]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
It's Glen! He's still alive!
[ZACH GALIFIANAKIS]
They got me in my fat!
Dudenoff? He's been cashing
social security checks
at a bodega on 125th Street.
[MABEL] There's two left shoulders?
Sazz's body wasn't the only one
in the incinerator.
It belongs to Dudenoff.
Oliver, I wanna marry you.
Whosever cashing
Dudenoff's checks is after you.
Your friend Howard says
he knows who killed Dudenoff.
Wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
He found five different signatures
- with one phone number.
- Hello?
[HOWARD GASPS]
They know.
[ARTILLERY EXPLODING]
[MILTON DUDENOFF]
Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film
set entirely in a small boat
filled with disparate characters
who learn how far they'd go
to survive the rough waters
of their perilous circumstances.
[JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
In New York City,
a lifeboat can look a lot like
an affordable apartment
in a nice building
on the Upper West Side.
[VINCE FISH] Can I go in this way?
[PEDESTRIAN] Hey, taxi!
[ELEVATOR DOORS SHUT]
[JAUNTY MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Well, I can make another tape. I c
- Hey!
- Hey. Call call me back.
You got one of those fancy invites
from Dudenoff, too, huh?
Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."
I think it was delivered by a raven.
- Is your eye okay?
- Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
Hey! You guys got an invite, too?
[LAUGHS] Yeah. Check out this cardstock.
He knows we can, like, text, right?
Is someone gonna knock already?
[IN EUROPEAN ACCENT]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
- Helga!
- I brought my new girlfriend.
I hope that is okay.
Of course.
Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?
[INEZ] Piggy in a blanket!
[HAMMY SQUEALS]
Oh, hell!
Look who it is.
Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
I'm about to change your lives.
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
- [CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- [CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE]
One thing about choosing a safe house
filled with your family.
[OLIVER PUTNAM] What's that, Charles?
[CHARLES] It makes going home to a
building full of murderers
more appealing.
- [CAR SPUTTERING]
- [OLIVER GRUNTS]
- [CAR HISSING, RATTLING]
- [MABEL] Seriously?
[OLIVER] [COUGHING GAGS]
Okay, just put [SIGHS]
[SIGHS] No, no, no.
Charles, use your hips.
Up and around like a hula hoop.
Do this thing.
- [CHARLES] It's not helping.
- Would you just let me?
No, I can do it. It's just a problem
with the, uh, th-the fuselage.
How do neither of you know how
to pop the hood of a car?
Because real men hire other men, Mabel.
Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,
and it's good to leave them something
to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.
- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
- [MUSICAL RING TONE]
[GROANS] They're calling again! Ignore!
- [OLIVER MUTTERS, SNIFFS]
- Well, while we're waiting,
we should probably do a recap.
Here's what we know so far.
This Dudenoff guy has a bunch
of rent-controlled units,
and he moved the Westies in.
Then, even though they need him alive
to keep their homes,
they kill and burn him.
And then, they cash
his checks to cover it up.
And when poor Sazz caught onto them,
they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.
And then, they shot at me, barely missing
the most essential person
to our investigative work.
I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!
He was my Wordle buddy!
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
- Oh! [GROWLS] Hold on.
Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.
- [FACETIME ANSWERS]
- Hello?
Hey, guys! So the sexy half
of this crime-solving sextet
has some thoughts.
Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
Now that we know that we're indispensable,
we cannot leave you alone.
We are professional investigators,
and you are playing us
in a movie because of it!
We are fine on our own!
Hey, can we just, uh,
mute you for a second?
If you're muting us, we're muting you!
[ZACH] [ON PHONE]
Okay, good. Muting each other.
[ZACH SIGHS]
Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?
Uh, y-you didn't mute us.
Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.
- What happened? I'm muted. [SNORTS]
- [EVA LONGORIA] No, we can still hear you.
Tell you what? Let's just not mute!
[OVER PHONE]
We need to find someplace safe to plan.
Anywhere but the Arconia.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay. I know just the place.
[CAR HISSING]
♪
Okay, but how do we get a confession?
Well, I have an idea,
but it involves someone.
- Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza
- It's Tony Danza.
Eugene, can we go one day
without you mentioning Tony Danza?
[PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
[MABEL] Hey, look.
[OLIVER GASPS, LAUGHS WEAKLY]
[CHARLES]
How could my character live here?
The albums, not alphabetized.
Oh! Nice.
Nice.
A first edition touching a second edition!
Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
Oh, really?
- [OLIVER] Oh.
- [ZACH] Okay.
So, we bust in on the Westies
with two celebrities
- and Eugene.
- [EVA] Mm-hmm.
Then, what?
It's almost go-time on the movie,
so I'm gonna pump my cheeks
while we spitball.
- Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
- [ZACH EXHALES]
Because it's so simple.
We invite the Westies to, yes,
Tony Danza's 35th annual
"It's Time To Wear White Pants
Extrava-Danza."
Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of
Who's the Boss?
- I don't care. It's okay.
- [OLIVER] Oh.
Then, we tell the Sauce Family
that Tony wants
to start his own line of sauces called
"Who's the Sauce?"
The Westies will then spill their story
on account of Danza's, uh,
neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
- Danza's the perfect plan-za.
- Mm.
I love it. I love it.
I would change it slightly
and maybe not do it.
And instead,
surprise them with a ding-dong.
- Wh-What?
- Uh, say more about the ding-dong.
In soapy TV,
a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.
It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,
or, uh, your paralyzed uncle
starts to walk again after 40 years.
Y-You're overthinking it.
One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
and the others are covering for 'em.
All we need to do is get them talking.
I say that we invite the Westies
to a celebrity-studded
super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.
That's good.
Right. Our own turf.
The key is to remain calm.
Well, having precise control
of our emotions
is what actors do best.
Yeah, the question is can you three do it?
First of all, I am an actor!
Well, let's not go crazy.
But also, I'm entirely capable
of catching the killer of my dear friend
who only wanted to open
a trampoline park so young
I need to lie down.
[PRODUCTION SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
Where the fuck is my bedroom?!
- [OLIVER GROWLS]
- [GENTLE PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MABEL]
I hope Charles can hold it together.
Confronting a friend's killer
just brings up a lotta shit.
[DEVICE BUZZING]
[OLIVER GROWLS]
Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores
with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.
This is the infrared setting.
Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
- [OLIVER LAUGHS]
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?
- [LORETTA DURKIN] [ON PHONE] Hi!
- Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée.
- [LORETTA GIGGLES]
We're getting married
this weekend! [LAUGHS]
[IN CARY GRANT IMPRESSION]
Hello, my darling love.
This weekend?
I know, he's a little old
to have a shotgun wedding.
Yeah. More like a musket wedding.
[WHEEZING LAUGH]
Where did he go?
[MULTITOOL BUZZING STOPS]
Hey, look, it's also a recorder.
[CLICKS BUTTON]
[SING-SONGY]
Eva, you're a genius! ♪
[RECORDER PLAYS] [AUTO-TUNED]
Eva, you're a genius! ♪
It has auto-tune. [GIGGLES]
You wanna try it?
Uh, don't
Definitely don't wanna touch that.
[CLICKS BUTTON, BUZZING RESUMES]
- Yeah. Okay.
- [LORETTA] Yeah.
No, no, honey. I-I will
I will handle it all.
- [LORETTA] I can't believe we're here.
- I know. It's exciting.
Uh, no, I'll,
I'll make the arrangements.
Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.
- [PRODUCTION SET CHATTER]
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
[ZACH] Hey, that's my seat.
Oh! [LAUGHS] Of course it is.
I, uh, I keep forgetting.
- Okay.
- We getting married this weekend?
I am.
Please don't tell me
you're gonna do it at a courthouse.
Weddings demand spectacle.
Music, speeches, AK-47s
shot right up in the air.
Zach, I didn't realize
you were a fellow romantic.
Weddings are the most
important part of a marriage.
My wife and I get married quarterly.
The venue sets the tone
for your life together.
When we want playfulness,
we get married at the beach.
If we've been fighting, then
it's at the site of
an important armistice.
Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
We needed a lot of those.
Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
Oh, she's right. It's perfect 'cause
you'll be right back
there for the divorce.
- Zach?
- Yes.
- We're rehearsing scene 13.
- Which one is that one?
The one where Oliver explains
why his previous marriage failed.
Oh.
- [SET BELL RINGS]
- [SET CHATTER CONTINUES]
Are you okay, Charles?
I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
And to be honest, it would layer
my performance if I could, uh,
see what it looks like.
Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no,
uh, you'll not see what it looks like
because it's not socially acceptable.
Eugene, you wanna practice
flipping omelets?
Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks.
I'll, uh, practice. Anyway,
I'm curious. I mean,
a-are-are you a yeller?
- Do you get violent?
- Oh, no. Worse.
But it hasn't happened
in decades because of my
emotion suppression technique,
which involves breathing and a lot of,
uh, room straightening.
[OMELET SPLATS]
[CHARLES GASPS]
[GENTLE PLUCKY MUSIC PLAYING]
There you go.
[EUGENE CLEARS THROAT]
This bother you?
- No.
- This bother you?
- No.
- [EUGENE LEVY] Does this bother you?
Why are you doing that?
- Does this
- [CHARLES YELPS]
♪
[QUIET STREET NOISE]
Okay, they'll be here any minute.
Now, I know we're all running hot.
We have a podcast,
two murders, a wedding,
but we're gonna stay calm.
Well, we can stay calm way more
than you can stay calm.
- It's not a competition.
- It's now a competition.
I've set my sphincter to clenching,
- unclenching, re-clenching.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- It's them. It's them.
- Okay. Okay.
Maybe I could throw together
a wedding booze cruise.
That's the blueprint
you want for your marriage?
You're freezing, you end up nowhere,
and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
- [CHARLES] Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[KNOCKING]
Oh, hell-o!
[LAUGHTER]
We brought snacks.
[INEZ]
Can't play cards without jamón!
[ALFONSO] That's right, mami.
Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming.
We figured we'd host
since it's a big group.
Ah, please.
Any friends of yours are friends of ours.
Especially if they're Hollywood stars.
- [LAUGHTER]
- You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch,
but I'm winking playfully.
[LAUGHTER]
- [DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS]
- [MABEL AND EVA GASP]
Let's go.
[KNIFE SLICES]
We know you know about the checks.
Give us your phones now!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[OLIVER GRUMBLES]
♪
[EVA MUTTERS]
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- So, what's your move now, Vince?
- [VINCE] You're gonna sit there,
you're gonna listen to our story.
Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm.
Although killers do always tell you
their story before they kill you.
They're gonna try to humanize themselves
with long origin stories.
Exactly. Like if we had gone through that,
we would've killed
and eaten Dudenoff, too.
- We didn't eat him.
- Yeah, but you killed him, right?
Okay. So,
Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant.
Milton and his wife were regulars,
until she passed.
Then, he started ordering in.
And when we were understaffed,
we delivered to him on our way home.
- Oh, hell!
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ANA]
He looked so alone in his little studio.
[INEZ] He invited us in.
We started playing cards.
[ALFONSO]
Oh Hell on Friday nights.
It started to become a regular thing.
- [DUDENOFF] Please, please.
- Okay. So, the, uh,
the secret ingredient here
is Jamón Ibérico.
- Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
- [ALFONSO] Oh, thank you.
Our dream, actually, is to, uh,
start our own line of sauces.
And I-I know this sounds crazy,
but Tony Danza would be an investor.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
[EUGENE] So, you killed him
because he didn't deliver
the last piece of the dream?
Don't say Tony Danza.
Sauce Dad said it first!
- We didn't kill him!
- Never.
- Yeah. We definitely did not kill him.
- We loved him.
- Then, Crazy Rudy killed him.
- Crazy? Me?
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING FROM SWEATER]
[RUDY SIGHS]
I don't know why I keep
replacing the battery.
Lovely.
I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago.
I was trying to be an actor,
I was holding down five jobs,
and I signed up for his class.
I remember my first acting class.
It was a film class.
It was in a closet of a basement
of a subway stop.
Most of my scene partners
were sex workers.
[RUDY THURBER] Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
One day, we watched A Few Good Men
in Professor Dudenoff's class.
I ran up to him afterwards on the street,
and I said,
I'd studied a monologue from
that film for my previous class.
He asked me to do it, and I did.
I did the whole thing,
right there at the bus stop.
- It went something like this.
- Oh
"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled."
"You want answers?" "I want the truth!"
- "You can't handle the truth!
- [OLIVER MOUTHING ALONG]
"Son, we live in a world that has walls,
"and those walls need to be
guarded by men with guns.
"Who's gonna do it? You?
"You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
I have a greater respons"
I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do
the whole monologue?
Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing.
I think it's worth it.
"I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom!
"You weep for Santiago Saves lives
"My existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
"You don't want the truth
because, deep down,
"in places you don't
talk about at parties,
"you want me on that wall!
"You need me on that wall
"Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a weapon and stand a post.
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!"
"Did you order the code red?"
"I did the job."
"Did you order the code red?"
"You're goddamn right I did!"
- Oh Oh, that was wonderful.
- [RUDY PANTING]
♪
I blew his socks off.
And he invited me back
to his place at the Arconia.
- That's my jam.
- And this? What's this?
Uh, that is a ham radio.
What do you do with a ham radio?
No, it's just it's just a hobby,
you know? A-And a very
[RUDY] Of course,
I got my own ham radio.
And ultimately, we all did.
And Professor Dudenoff looked at me.
He said
You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
Thank you. That
That means a lot to me.
[SIGHING]
Let me ask you somethin'.
If your life were a movie,
what would be your happy ending?
And that's when he touched
your Santa sack,
and you had your "happy ending."
- [MABEL] Eva!
- [EVA] What?
[RUDY]
No! I said I wanted to stay in the city,
keep performing, keep trying,
and live with fewer roommates
who use towels as toilet paper.
That was my dream.
So, Charles, that leaves
your "friend" Vince.
He exposed you to pink eye,
and what did you get?
Lies!
And, likely, pink eye.
Come on, doesn't that make you angry?
[CHARLES QUIETLY WHEEZES]
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm suppressing,
and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
and I'm good.
Alright. Since none of you seem
to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
Before my wife died, she made me promise
that I wouldn't turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
Now, we both loved movies,
so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer
for his film class,
I thought that this way was her way
of telling me to go
out and make friends.
But, oh, those kids
["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING]
Lang Syne! ♪
- [SONG ENDS]
- [DUDENOFF] You know, the reason
It's A Wonderful Life is timeless
comes down to one thing.
Casting. You know,
if you can populate your story
with the right people,
your work will live forever.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
It's pro-capitalist gaslighting!
George Bailey's life still sucks,
- and Potter just gets away with it.
- [VINCE] [EMOTIONAL] No!
No, you missed the point! [SNIFFLES]
George ends up with his family.
Potter's all alone.
- I like being alone.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience.
[SNIFFLES] But being really alone?
There's nothing worse.
You don't smile, you don't laugh,
you stop caring about
what food tastes like 'cause
[SNIFFLES]
you still wake up alone again without her.
Every class
But Dudenoff, him I liked.
"hates poor people.
This movie hates trees."
Why do they have to be
so mad all the time?
- This world's a dumpster fire.
- [VINCE] It sure is.
In this city, you know, kid,
you can't even afford an apartment
unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
- And why can't a movie just be a movie?
- [DUDENOFF SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Jack Lemmon in The Apartment.
I-I-I didn't know that
[VINCE] And he invited me
to join his weekly card game.
[DUDENOFF] I-I feel empathetic.
[VINCE] I had no idea
why he knew we'd click
[MUFFLED CHATTER]
- but we did.
- [RUDY CHUCKLES]
His wife had been a music teacher.
Back when the city was cheap,
whenever a unit would
open up on their floor,
they would grab it. You know,
she'd use it for music classes or,
you know, uh, let a kid stay there
if he was going through tough times.
But with her gone,
Professor Dudenoff was living
amid, um, an empty hallway.
He just couldn't bear to
give up those apartments.
And one night,
after many hours of Oh Hell,
he decided that
he wasn't going to turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
He broke the law for us,
so that we could have
a chance at our dreams.
But he had a dream, too.
To live in Portugal.
And he left. And, no,
- we haven't heard from him since.
- [ALFONSO] And, yes,
we've been keeping up the ruse and
cashing his checks.
So that's the whole thing?
Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
I could do a comedy
version if you want
[OVERLAPPING "NOS"]
- Thank you.
- [OLIVER] Oh God, no.
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Not yet.
It's ding-dong time.
[GASPS] You pulled a ding-dong?
- It was a good idea.
- [DOOR OPENS]
[TENSE STING]
- [DOOR SHUTS]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WESTIES GASP]
- Helga?!
What are you doing here?
Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
I'm here to tell the truth.
We can't handle the truth.
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHARLES] You're Helga?
I imagined you toothless with a club.
[SCOFFS] Disregard him, Helga.
His brain is covered with plaque.
Please go on.
I-I first met Dudenoff
when I'd just become a locksmith,
which was my childhood dream.
Wait? Really?
No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot.
So, my father died
and left me the business.
He was all I had until I met Dudenoff.
[MUFFLED "PERFECT STRANGERS"
THEME SONG PLAYING]
[DUDENOFF HUMMING ALONG]
[SINGS] Standing tall ♪
You know, it's before your time,
but that's the theme song to
It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- You know, I've never met anyone
- who loses their keys this often.
- [LOCK CLICKS]
Some people your age
put it on a retractable belt
It's not dementia.
I always lose my keys. I
My wife used to let me in, but
[THEME SONG CONTINUES]
- Okay!
- [LOCK BUZZES]
- Ah, look at that.
- [HELGA] So, uh,
what is a code that someone
your age can remember?
[SIGHS] How about, um,
"Oh Hell"?
Wait, like the card game?
- You know it?
- [HELGA] My father and I
used to play all the time.
I haven't since he died.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry,
you just look so much like him.
Except, uh, he was tall.
And blonde. And hot.
[DUDENOFF CHUCKLES]
Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers.
Huh
You know, uh,
we have this little
card game Friday nights.
[HELGA]
And that is how I met the gang.
- Why not?
- [ALFONSO] Mm! Mm!
[HELGA] Yeah, I was there, too.
I'm sure they didn't mention that.
- Wow.
- [ALFONSO] Yeah!
[HELGA] At first,
they were the nicest group of people
I had met in New York City,
a place I'd always wanted to call home.
[INEZ]
Helga, so where do you live, honey?
Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel.
It's only 85 train stops away.
You'd love it.
Then, he gave us these
nice cheap apartments,
and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers
into a family.
But a few years later
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
he was gone.
[KEYS JINGLE]
Said he felt bad doing it in a note,
but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
He was off to Portugal.
After helping us with our dreams,
he wanted to live his.
- [POWER SNAPS, WHIRS DOWN]
- [MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY]
- [LIGHTS CLICK, POWER WHIRS BACK]
- [MUSIC RESTARTS]
I knew the power only surged
when the old incinerator was used,
but I didn't suspect anything. Yet
[PODCAST PLAYING ON PHONE]
Suddenly, we all went from
talking every day to nothing.
Total silence.
And then, your podcast started.
[MABEL] [ON PODCAST]
One thing was for sure.
Someone in the Arconia
was hiding something.
[OLIVER] [ON PODCAST] A homicidal freak
who poisoned a perfect,
if gassy, dog.
[HELGA]
Everyone was acting so secretive.
Helga!
[HELGA]
I listened to the podcast.
All those unexplained things
someone in the building
was doing to scare you.
What if it was them trying to
cover up what they had done?
Let's play cards.
[HELGA] And I started to wonder.
[GROUP MURMURING]
Please.
[HELGA]
Why did the power surge that night?
I couldn't prove they had anything
to do with Dudenoff's disappearance,
but I knew in my bones
I had to move out.
They killed him!
- [INEZ GASPS]
- We didn't!
- No, no! He went to Portugal.
- Dead men don't send ham!
Then, what's this?
I can't see.
I actually don't know. What is that?
- Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder.
- [ALL GASP]
It was in the incinerator.
You killed and burned him that night.
And when Sazz figured it out,
you killed and burned her, too.
And when we tried to look into that,
you tried to kill me!
Yeah, another way to put that
is you actually shot me.
What are we doing? What are we doing?
What are we doing?
These people are murderers!
I'm tired of being the nice guy here
with no temper!
I'm a Canadian man connected
to his rage right now!
And [LAUGHS] God, it feels so good!
Charles, tantrum with me.
No, no, no.
They incinerated your friend, Charles.
- And then plied you with word games
- No. [LAUGHS] No. No.
From the New York Times!
[GASPING, QUIET WHEEZING]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
- So far, I'm underwhelmed.
- [COASTERS CLATTER]
[GASPING BREATHS]
[OLIVER] Uh-huh
- [BARELY AUDIBLE WHEEZING]
- Yes. Interesting.
Is this how I find out he's a mime?
No, no, no. We can't hear him,
but I'm so tuned into his character,
I can feel his words. He's saying
[BARELY AUDIBLE WHEEZING]
"These people killed Sazz!
"I am steamed and put out!
- To some degree."
- [VINCE] Oh, the hell with this!
- Gimme that! Helga!
- [INDISTINCT YELLING]
You're not the only one who got a note
the night that Dudenoff died.
Now, everybody,
come with me!
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
We all got notes that night.
Only ours were different.
[RUDY] "You are cordially
invited to my funeral.
Midnight, in the basement.
Don't tell Helga."
- [ALFONSO] What the fuck?
- Funeral?
I don't like it.
Come on. Let's go.
- [ANA SIGHS]
- [ALFONSO] Come on, come on.
[MUSIC BUILDING]
[SERVICE ELEVATOR RATTLING]
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Hey! Milton, what's going on?
- Hey Okay
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES]
Hey, can I just talk?! Can I?
- Yeah.
- Of course.
[DUDENOFF] Uh, so,
you know I'm always saying a movie
is only as good as its cast?
Now, I'm just a teacher.
I never got to make
my own movie.
But I'll tell you this.
If our lives were a movie
[LAUGHS]
I cast the shit outta this one.
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
Well, uh
I-I have some medical news.
[WEAK LAUGH] Um
I'm an old guy, so, you know,
it's not like Terms of Endearment sad
or anything,
but, you know, I Uh
they tell me I've, uh,
only got a few months.
- [SHOCKED CHATTER]
- And so
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, you know, when I'm gone
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]
uh, this building,
they're gonna swoop in and,
you know, tear our cast apart. But,
I have a workaround.
And, uh
and it's that you will all keep me alive.
W-Well, I mean, actually no
'cause I've just taken
a hell of a lot of pills.
[SHOCKED CHATTER]
I want you, tonight,
to put my body in the incinerator!
- [ALL YELLING]
- [DUDENOFF] Yes! Yes!
And then, I want you to cash
my social security checks,
and I want you to tell everybody
I just moved to Portugal.
[SIGHS]
And you
you can't tell Helga.
I'm just gonna record a message,
you know, in case, uh,
you know, she finds out,
and then, she won't blame you.
- We can call an ambulance.
- Yeah
No, come on, let me do this.
Just let Just let me do this.
Please. And then, you know, afterwards,
then let's just all hug and shit, okay?
Hey, so, Vince, come on.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing.
Come on. One take.
[SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [CLICKS KNOB, FILM WHIRS]
- [ALFONSO] It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
[CAMERA WHIRRING]
♪
[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
[DUDENOFF] [ON FILM]
Hey, Helga. I know you're angry.
But, you know, you had such a, uh,
hard time bouncing back after your dad
that I-I had this
stupid thought that maybe I could
shield you from another death.
But, if you're watching this,
then, you know,
my master plan has gone to hell.
And, hopefully, I haven't.
What can a guy do but try, right?
Here's looking at you, kid.
[FILM CRACKLES]
[PROJECTOR CLICKING]
- We're so sorry, baby.
- [HELGA SNIFFLING]
Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted,
to keep us all together.
[VINCE] Move on back in with us.
- Please.
- Please.
It is the only place in New York
where I can have a pig.
- [LAUGHTER]
- [MABEL] Wait.
Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
That was another lie?
Yeah, in addition to
setting a human on fire,
we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
May God have mercy.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [HELGA SNIFFLES]
[MABEL SIGHS]
[EVA] Hmm.
So, these are not murderers.
[EVA] No, but
we've got one hell of a podcast.
- [MULTITOOL CLICKS]
- [ALFONSO] [AUTO-TUNED] And, yes,
we've been keeping up the ruse
and cashing his checks.
Oh God. We're going to jail.
- Well
- [CLICKS BUTTON]
No, you're not.
Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
living in the Arconia.
The podcast brought us together.
I don't wanna use it to tear them apart.
- [WESTIES MURMURING]
- [QUIETLY] Bless you.
So, humanity's more important
to you than the podcast?
- What a revelation.
- [EVA] Hmm.
Okay, what if it's not three losers,
but, like, a family of losers
who wants to make the world a better place
before two of them die?
That's one way to look at it.
Yeah. Well, I have more.
- You wanna hear more?
- [MABEL] No thanks.
Speaking of family, I should tell you
that I had my assistant's assistant
book you a wedding atop
the Empire State Building,
encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
- No, no. I
- Don't worry. I-'m gonna
I'll pay for it.
I wish I could tell you this
gives me joy, but it doesn't.
You are not the romantic
I thought you were,
and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
or respect you.
So, [SIGHS] here we are.
Well, thank you, Zachary, for those
lovely words. But,
Loretta and I shall marry here,
in the Arconia.
This is where we fell in love,
and I want a marriage
where we fall in love every day
for the rest of our very long lives.
You
adorable baloney loaf.
- [WEAK LAUGH]
- You
beautiful bitchy
baloney loaf.
Do you know what a baloney loaf is?
Uh
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
You are a romantic.
- [SMACKS]
- [OLIVER SNORTS]
You got me in touch with my emotions.
Thank you.
Well, it was an honor playing a small part
in bringing out your true self.
And Charles, I won't
alienate your audience
- by putting any of it on film.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- You good?
[MABEL] Yeah, I'm good.
[DUDENOFF] Whether
or not everyone makes
it back to shore in
the movie Lifeboat
♪
I'll leave for you to discover.
But what the film is really about
is found families,
fighting together for their survival
in waters that can be
really tough to get through
if you're all alone.
[GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MABEL] In the end, there was
no murder in the West Tower.
Just a guy who moved to Portugal
- and made a family out of strangers.
- [RECORDER BEEPS]
Well, found family,
we buried a great podcast story
and are back to square one.
[DROPS CARDS]
[SIGHS] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
when we run out of leads?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong!
[OLIVER SIGHS]
- Think he's got any Gut Milk in there?
- [DOOR OPENS]
I already checked the fridge.
He just has beer.
- [HAMMY OINKING]
- Look who's here.
Oh, hey, Helga.
I see you got your pig back.
Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man
who reluctantly returned her to me.
I think his name is Howard?
[HAMMY GRUNTS]
I didn't want to bring it up
among the reunions,
but I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
Wait. You actually knew her?
Yes. She was on the ham radio,
asking about all these huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.
- Not holes.
- Oh!
You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
There was another thing though.
She talked about a stuntman
on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
She said he was her protégé,
but that he had messed up pretty badly
and he was harassing her.
She said, "He's dangerous,
and he's gonna be the death of me."
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
- Check IMDb.
- That's a website.
- I know what IMDb is.
My agent says he's gonna get me on it.
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
Who's the stuntperson?
Is it someone we can talk to?
- Not exactly.
- [HAMMY OINKS]
[MEDICAL DEVICES BEEPING, HISSING]
[MUSIC BUILDING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]