Portlandia (2011) s04e08 Episode Script

Well, as always, I am super excited about the pride parade.
I can't wait to hear what freaky stuff the LGBT community is cooking up, so what do you got? We've got the street officially as of 1:15.
We were also able to negotiate a really good insurance policy.
The city is completely covering it.
Do you have that, uh, what was that that nude, um, drum major that had that long stick? Is he back? We're going to have him? I think the last time he was in the parade was 1985? Yeah, and in 1986 he was specifically uninvited to participate.
You're going to have G-string dancers.
You're going to do The SOPO's.
I love the SOPO's.
You got to have the SOPO's, right? Well, for insurance purposes, we're not going to be doing the SOPO's this year.
Just the people I want to see.
Mr.
Mayor, people are really upset.
When I came into office, I took an oath.
And the oath was to keep Portland weird.
The point is gay people are normal.
But I don't think you can build a parade around it What do you want? What would you prefer? I don't understand to let it all out, let it all hang out.
You know, like they used to.
Who are the new freaks? You know, bigots are like really hated.
I'm getting so many messages about this.
This is really bad.
Portland, you guys are a bunch Right back to the office.
We went to the, uh, hardware store.
So we, you know, go to the car, open up the back, start putting it in.
We start driving away.
We forgot to pay.
Yeah.
Oh.
We felt so bad driving out of that parking lot.
I mean, we made it one inch outside that parking lot.
It was like ahh.
We're criminals.
That's what I love that story.
Uh, I myself haven't been in a Home Depot much recently.
You should you should check it out.
It's, uh, you know I think they're having a sale or something.
Hey, we did something the other night.
Should we, uh I don't know if we want to regale you with something that could be interesting or not, but uh Andrea's It's nothing.
Yeah.
We tripped.
We we had a trip.
Oh.
That's crazy.
Who did? The two of you? Yes.
Was it scary? Yes.
No.
I would say yes.
Well, well It was scary in the best way.
Did you hallucinate? Did you have visions? Why? Why did you do this? My life had been going like this, and I just wanted you know, very quick kind of spike.
This business with spiking I just feel like aren't you afraid that it's just going to go like waaaa.
What is it? Is it a pill? Like, how what form is it in? Does it look like a mushroom? Tea.
They make it into a tea.
Wow.
It's a tea.
I always felt like if you didn't do drugs in high school or college that that was it, like that is the window for doing drugs.
Are you kind of like curious about doing this? I'm not saying I want to do it.
It just made me feel bad a little bit, like well maybe we're not people that try new things.
I don't know anything about drugs.
The most I ever did was like I had a pot cookie in high school, and there was like not even pot in it.
So you ate a cookie in high school? I mean that's the extent of it.
I just think it might be a way for us to just like get out of our routine.
I would do it if you wanted to do it.
For one, we should do research.
I want to get online.
Uh-huh.
I want to get books.
I want to approach this like we would buying a car.
All right.
You know? Is this happening? It's a deal.
It's a drug deal.
We come up with pun names for your business.
We don't do doggy day care, hair cutting places or faux.
Oh, Italian restaurant.
Okay.
Where are you going to be located? Okay.
Number.
Well, thank you.
Okay.
Geeg, Italian restaurant.
Great.
We have Italian food.
Yes, we do.
It should be a good one.
All right.
Food all right, so.
What do you got Geeg? You know, it could be construed as controversial, but that's a Planned Pizzahood.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Um, I thought of Pizza, Paul and Mary.
Love it.
That's good.
Oh, thinking Let's try to think more on the Italian thing.
Venice The Menace.
Ahh.
I mean, it's just, uh I like it.
I like the groan.
Crust Me, like trust me.
Out of Parm's Way.
Oh.
Right? That's really terrible.
Yeah.
What about, uh, Spaghetti Museum? Spaghetti Museum? Is that is that a pun? Lord of the Pasta, Pasta Rings.
How about that? Lord of the uh, the movie is the Hobbit.
I've got a movie one.
Five Easy Pizzas.
Ahh.
Does this work for anyone? ET Phone Rome? Ugh, that's a that's a full groan.
And then if for some reason there's a whole thing with the rights to ET Eaty Phone Rome.
I love it.
Yeah, because see my eyes are rolling in the back of my head on that one.
Let's put a pin in that guy's hold on.
Okay.
Pun Slingers, this is Gigi.
How may I help you? Okay.
We'll get back to you.
Thank you very much.
Guys, optometrist, on to vision.
How about Lenses Me Your Ears? Oh, I like it.
Stupid? It's very stupid.
I got a fun one.
TGI Framedays.
Oh, that's so dumb.
Thank you.
The ones that are that are best sounding? I mean, that's the idea.
Uh-huh.
Okay, what about Spectocular.
Oh, brother.
I'm shaking my head, and I love it.
A Side Order of French Four Eyes.
I like it.
French Four Eyes.
All of the ideas were good, you know, but I'm just I couldn't, uh I'm just sorry I couldn't help you guys a lot a little bit more than I did.
You can't blame yourself because we are a group.
I really like A Side Order of French Four Eyes.
Yeah, that that's good.
Pun Slingers.
We come up with puns for your business.
Yes, sir.
Certainly.
By when? Right away.
Phil, what was that about? That was the United States.
What is it they want? They want a pun.
They want us to do a pun for the United States.
The name? The name.
Let's just have fun with it and see what happens.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the.
Brewnited Taste of Americano.
Coming.
Hi.
Can I help you? We noticed, um, you have one of those Moleskin notebooks.
You have a lot of 'em.
Yeah, a whole bunch here.
Um, well I'm an aspiring writer, so Hmm.
Here's a poem.
Did you write this one? Laundry, fix lamp, find key, e-mail Anthony.
I think that one was actually a to do list.
Why isn't this filled? Why isn't this and What's happened here? Uh.
Is it Garfield? Yeah.
Is it important that you try to draw Garfield on two separate pages? This is a glorified post it, and I won't die to be a post it.
I said that when we signed the contract.
I will not die to be a post it, and that's what I turned into.
There are other ways that you can document things.
That's all she's saying.
Microsoft Word is incredible.
It's got like it's got look at this.
Oh.
It's good.
Enable macros.
No, disable.
I don't I'm just just disable it.
Oh hey, you remember that my brother's coming this weekend, right? And we get to meet the boyfriend.
Oh, that's right.
He like just told our family he was gay.
Wow.
It's like two gay guys.
.
like they'll tidy up the house and like wouldn't his boyfriend like go through my closet and like get rid of stuff that isn't good? Should we like redo the living room or something? I just feel like we just like threw stuff up in there.
You know, we could go to like mid century furniture stores with them, and they could just Oh, they'll know, and also they're good at like haggling in like sort of like like, we're not paying that much, like that Like I have the cool gay brother.
Yea.
Hi.
Hey.
How are you? Good.
Whoa.
I got it.
Hi, hi.
My little cheerleader.
How are you? Good to see you.
You, too.
Good to see you, you look great.
Thank you.
Oh, hi buddy.
Who's this? Rambo Rambo, chill out.
Can we just move through here.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry about that.
Whoa.
I almost spilled the pizza.
Uh, what's I'm sorry, Nick.
Nice to meet you.
How's you doing bro? You, too.
Thanks for having us, man.
Well, can we set up the X-Box? Watch out for the plant.
Yeah, careful of that.
That's all right.
Sorry.
So, Josh never told me how you guys met.
Oh, my God.
We met at a ESPN Zone.
Yeah, we got into a bar fight and then, uh, we ended up just making out at the bar.
The whole bar freaked out.
Yeah.
Weeks.
We actually had some questions about maybe you could help us do a little redecorating later.
Um, in the morning, we both do a lot of Jager bombs.
Do you have that? We were just going to take you down to this pretty nice café.
And buy a bottle of Jagermeister is what you're saying? Watch out! Don't! Are you sure they're gay? I mean They're slobs.
Should we still ask them to redecorate? I got totally ripped off on the gay relative thing.
Let's just get out of here.
Like, I can't see this mess anymore.
Oh, my God.
What is going on here? Hi Sis, what do you think? Is that my blazer? Mabes.
Did you always have that little lisp? Yes, I've had it since I was born.
This is how gay people talk.
It's so clean.
Ilook at the floor.
How did you guys have time to clean everything so much? When we were sleep, I heard you say we're disappointing gays, and we just wanted to we felt bad.
We're we're being close-minded and weird.
Yeah.
Like, I prefer you the other way, where you're just my regular brother that's acting normal with someone that you clearly like.
I'm so glad we can be ourselves around you.
You want to go get do some Jager bombs? I can talk like this now? Yes.
Carrie, I love you.
Nick, I love you, too.
Gross.
All right.
We've been wearing helmets our whole life.
When you take the helmets off, that's the moment we're doing drugs.
We're adventurers.
We're not playing it safe, but we do have to plan.
I can maybe get Tuesday off work.
What if we do the 7th? The 7th, I have bar class.
I want to be up and ready for that.
I mean you might be super ready after this.
I mean, maybe you'll just be excellent at it.
It could be my best bar class.
The spiral symbolizes drug day.
I mean, I imagine we're going to be vomiting a lot.
You know what? Dentist, because people grind their teeth on drugs.
I think get a fitting for dentures.
Passport renewal.
What if we end up in Mexico? Is there anything else? Maybe we'll make a video for Grover? Hey, Grover.
If you're watching this, what happened was daddy took drugs and kind of went off into another world.
Don't follow trends.
Try not to listen to electronic dance music.
I think that's just going to be a phase.
Oh, and uh, when you're asking somebody out, play it cool.
First things first.
We need a by sitter.
Oh, okay.
We'll get Monica.
So, you don't have a return time set? We might be back in five minutes.
Could be back in five days, could be two years.
This could be it for you in terms of your new life.
Iyeah.
That kind of poses a problem for me just time-wise.
Because you're still in school.
Monica, you you'd make a great mom.
But I don't I don't We don't know what's going to happen.
We could gouge our own eyes out and like put each other's eyes in each other's skulls.
Have you thought about not doing this? Worst case scenario, we come home, things are a little crazy.
You just take Grover, and you go into the panic room.
What? The panic room.
Do not let us in.
No matter what.
Hey, can you can you hear us? Yeah.
Can you let me in? I forgot something down there? Yeah, but you gave me expressed instructions not to open the door under any circumstances.
You passed the test.
Great.
Thank you.
All right.
Unlocking it so you can come out.
Acting up today for some reason.
Yeah, me too.
Do you have enough for the day? I've got my Kleenex here.
Ahh Let me hide it from you, and you tell me if you can see it and if this seems gross.
Hi, may I help you? And then if I was just to just kind of No, I noticed that.
Uh, can we help you? Hi.
We're looking for the owners here.
Why? We're here because there's been a lot of car break-ins in the Can we see your credentials, please? Uh I can show you ID.
Just sorry.
Can I see your patch, please? My patch? Yes, sir.
I asked I asked very clearly if I can see your patch.
I've never been asked that before.
That's not against the law to ask if I could look at a patch.
No, please Do you have a search warrant? I don't need to search the store or anything.
Oh You don't need a search warrant.
You march in like the Gestapo.
This is our barrier.
This is our moat.
And I respect your, uh, your barrier.
Our moat.
She said moat.
Moat.
I'll respect your moat, but I saw something suspicious.
I saw a gentleman who is taller than you.
Uh, he has he had short dark hair, and his arms were in here in his his vest like close to just all of his pockets, and a little bit of facial hair over here, and he was staring at me like this.
-Uh-huh.
And then he shook his head.
It's been a great, uh, time chatting with you, but we're going to go ahead and move down the street and talk to some other business owners, but uh We have some questions for you.
Toni, tissue? I'm good, Candice.
Tissue? Tissue? No, thank you.
Don't need it.
You play a good game, but does he? Sooner or later you're going to need a tissue.
Did you have a question for me? Don't piss me off.
Ma'am, I mean I I it's probably an emotional time? Hey, I get it.
You know, she can come across as a little unhinged.
If you want to go ahead and fess up, I'm right here.
You want to ask us questions, you do it with respect because leme tell you my friends I can't hear you.
You're not You Uh.
We're doing nothing wrong.
These are police officers who want to be interrogating us and bothering us.
That's great.
I'm going to do one a little selfie of me just drinking tea.
Okay.
I think I'm done.
Candice, call the police.
We are the police.
Prove it! That's what we thought.
Give our love to the commissioner.
Bye.
Hey, do you have like a safety pin? This is what my last relationship felt like.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Starving.
Yeah.
What's this place? Oh, best of Portland Thai food.
Bridgetown Weekly.
Let's do it.
Give it a try.
Yeah.
Kaeng khanun? Yep.
Thank you.
And red curry? That's great.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Everything good? Uh, well, we're going to we're excited to try it.
Red curry is, uh, is very, uh spicy, but it's very good.
All right.
Did you get like a child's portion? I don't know.
Yeah.
This is really sweet, which it shouldn't be.
Yuck.
You don't like it? Not really.
I like my rice, I guess.
It's like ketchupy.
Why is there no one in here? What'd it say out front? Best Thai food, right? Yeah.
Bridgetown Weekly.
What is Bridgetown Weekly? It's one of the alt weeklies in town, right? Are you sure? I think so.
It's just some alt, alt weekly.
I mean, I don't the best Thai food? This is my only shrimp.
Just one little shrimp.
Why why would he list it? For them to actually endorse this place? Yeah.
Seems weird, right? I know.
How about they see us and see our faces? Let's go there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hey, hey.
Welcome to Bridgetown Weekly.
Thanks.
Listen, we want to, um you're very familiar.
Spike, it's the guy from the Thai restaurant.
This magazine is just designed so they can write reviews of themselves.
What? Yeah.
It is a real weekly.
So, everyone here just writes, huh? What about that lady right there? I'm writing a review of movies.
Okay, like uh We love Paul Thomas Anderson movie.
Boogie Night, wow.
Magnolia, you kidding me? Yeah.
Okay, well, first of all, that lady is the waitress There Will Be Blood blew me away.
That was a good one.
Spike.
Okay.
Joaquin in The Master.
Wonderful.
Number one 2012.
I could talk to you all night about this.
Thank you.
That is a real weekly.
She does music festival listings.
Uh-huh.
Mumford and Son.
And what about the kid right there? He write the sex column called Savage Love.
No, Dan Savage writes Savage Love.
That's him, that's him.
It's not Dan Savage.
That's Dan Savage.
It's not, I He's Dan Savage.
Hello, Dan.
Hey, Dan.
Great column.
That is a real weekly.
Let's look at this.
Spike.
Remember this cover? Uh This is great.
Shattered promises.
Glass is broken, and you don't know who the politician is, like is he ruining the city? I'm running a story about sticking it to the man, and legalization of marijuana and, uh, on the headline "Your Tax Are High.
" Nice work.
Spike, come on.
Like your tax has been smoking weed.
No, I I it's like a pun.
This whole weekly is a scam.
It's the big charade so they can put up a best Thai restaurant sticker.
Yeah, but still, I mean it opens people's eyes, right? You should work here for me.
Yeah? Where do I start.
Order up.
You see another one like this red piece? We're just dropping these two off here.
This is where they live, right? Yes, they do.
We are on drugs.
What? We are on drugs.
We might jump out of a window.
I have no idea if I'm speaking gibberish or what's happening.
Oh.
Am I screaming right now? You're fine.
You know, they flagged us down just a little bit ago.
I just wanted to make sure they got home okay.
Thank you so much.
I guess we should go underwater again, huh? Um, I'd like to apologize on their behalf.
That's not necessary.
Thank you.
Negative space right now? Not to my knowledge.
No.
I feel like there's a steady cam like right here, like did I pull my own teeth out? No.
Everything's cool.
You're golden.
I'm golden? No, figuratively speaking.
You're not physically, you're not golden.
Are you sure this isn't normal? I know both of these people.
They have never done anything like this before.
Please don't listen to a word she's saying.
She is on drugs right now.
No.
I'm not.
Are you on drugs? She is on drugs.
Your shirt says you're on drugs.
Who put this on me? Monica? She made them.
She's framing us.
I'm not pointing fingers, but How long have you known me, the both of you? Wait, the both of us? Who do you mean? Am am I two people? No.
I was talking to both of you to you and your wife standing right next to you.
My wife? He's not my wife.
I think we're going to go now.
I can take it from here.
Thank you.
Please don't go Have a good night.
Thank you.
No.
No.
No.
Those were my best friends.
It's really hard to explain unless you've done it, but it's very special, and we we did it perfectly.
It was just like like that.
Just like a very tall peak.
It was crazy.
I mean, we lost our minds.
I see a rainbow In my head Who are the new outsiders? Grave robbers.
G-R-A-V-E.
No one stays dead to me.
The V as in Victor.
It's so funny when you say Victor.
Everyone has a different Way of Mnemonic device.
A Mnemonic device.