Raising Hope s04e08 Episode Script

Grandma! (Screams) Oh, it's just Grandma.
It's okay, it's just Grandma.
I'm sorry, honey.
There's nothing to be scared of, I promise.
Except the inevitable march of time.
I just forgot you were coming over.
I really need to start writing things down.
No, she wasn't supposed to come over.
Good, 'cause I wasn't about to start writing things down.
Why the special visit? We got a problem.
Jimmy fell asleep at work today.
Jimmy! Jimmy! Wake up! Jimmy! I guess Hope's been going into their bed at night.
So I brought her here so Jimmy could go home and take a nap.
Hope's been sleeping in their bed? That's gotta put a real damper on the old S-E Can she spell yet? Uh, I don't know.
Better safe than sorry.
Look! (Mock gasps) - Pennies! - Pennies! They're not having sex.
Trouble in the bedroom is the number one sign for divorce.
According to Oprah's O magazine, by Oprah.
Divorce? You really think it could be that serious? If they're sleeping with the baby in the room, it's only a matter of time before Jimmy's just another loser divorcé.
who's picking up women at the ice cream parlor next to the fat ladies' gym.
Oh, we can't have that.
We've worked too hard to get Sabrina to believe that Jimmy's the best she could do.
- Mmm - I'll tell you how you fix it.
You keep the sex poison here as long as you can.
"Sex poison"? That's what I call children.
She's right.
Maybe we should keep Hope overnight to give Jimmy and Sabrina some alone time.
You're right.
We should.
It's what good parents would do.
Me and my big mouth.
Now Paw Paw and I will have to sneak a quickie in the rumble seat tonight.
Here we go Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night? Yeah, it was great.
I think I tweaked my neck.
Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.
Really? Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.
You have a list? It was exhausting.
We did it all.
You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour.
She cleaned the chimney.
It was filthy.
We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.
Wow.
Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.
Now you're talking.
It takes a while.
She hasn't really taken care of it in years.
It's kind of gross underneath.
Well, still, a chest is a chest.
It is a nice chest.
It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.
(Gags quietly) I'm sorry when you say "oil up her chest," what exactly do you mean? I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.
- Oh - What did you think? I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.
What? No.
We do not have weird sex.
Well, just so you know, if you were or weren't having weird sex or any sex You're my son and Sabrina's my daughter and I'm always happy to hear about it.
Dad? - As far as our sex life is concerned - Yeah? there is nothing to discuss.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
- Nothing? Nothing.
They are in trouble.
They had the whole house to themselves last night, and all they did were chores.
I knew they were in a sex slump.
Sabrina was wearing shorts the other day, and her thighs looked like she'd been rolling around on the floor of a barbershop.
Those are not the legs of a woman who is sexually active.
What do we do? I don't know but we need to shake things up somehow.
They inherited that house, and ever since then, they've had it way too easy.
No landlord, no mortgage Every young marriage needs a little chaos.
Think about how it was when we started out.
We didn't even have enough gas money for your dirt bike.
- Later, loser! - Hey! (Guys laughing) It's okay, sweetie.
Sometimes we barely knew where our food was gonna come from.
Virginia: I can't eat this now.
It's covered in mustard diarrhea.
(Sighs happily) And that unstable base is what forced us to hold onto each other even tighter.
Oh oh Yeah.
Oh, that feels good.
Oh, cramp! Cramp! Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
- That feels great.
- That feels great.
Burt, it was uncertainty that kept us together.
Every marriage needs stress.
Stress leads to tension, tension leads to massage, and no matter what, massage always leads to sex.
That's why I can't believe they have those chairs in the mall.
We can't just sit back and let this happen.
We gotta get in there and shake up Jimmy and Sabrina's foundation.
Are you doing one of your crazy plans where you dress up in costumes and leave me out of it? No, Maw Maw.
But if it turns into one of those, we'll let you know.
This is perfect.
When they can't have coffee in the morning, they are gonna be delirious.
And then when they can't find their remotes or their cell phones, they're gonna be going at it like rabbits.
What'd you do? I lowered the setting on the water pressure regulator.
It's gonna drive Jimmy crazy when he can't get the shampoo out of his hair.
When he runs out of the shower all stressed, he's gonna already be naked! You're such a genius! (Pipes clanging) What's that? I don't know.
What is happening?! Tsunami! (Both screaming) (Jimmy and Sabrina screaming) Did you lower the pressure or raise it? Lefty loosey, righty tighty.
Wait, is that from my perspective or the pipe's perspective? (Screams) Okay! Jimmy, just calm down.
We just need to find the valve to shut off the water.
Are you sure that this isn't poop water? (Screams) It's in my mouth! Thanks for letting us crash here tonight.
Of course.
You can stay here any time.
Well But don't get too comfortable.
We just threw out our carbon monoxide detector 'cause it was beeping too much.
And, uh, we're having a bit of a poisonous spider problem.
- Yes.
- Uh, try not to snore when you sleep, 'cause they take that as a sign of aggression.
So, your wall exploded? Talk about stressful.
If I was you, I'd be afraid of walls the rest of my life.
I'd be clinging to Virginia.
Honestly, it's really not as big of a deal as it sounds like.
Yeah, it was just a burst water main.
Sabrina: We just kind of assessed the damage, made a little to-do list.
And we saw that the problem, uh, wasn't that big of a deal.
It wasn't? What about the water damage? Water turns to mold, mold turns to asbestos, asbestos turns to lead.
You know, we've got insurance, so we're gonna be fine.
Sabrina, did you buy that insurance? Jimmy says you spend too much money.
What do you think about Jimmy's big mouth, Sabrina? We actually got a very good deal on our insurance, so Yeah, yeah.
I rarely say this, but, uh thank God for Wyatt.
Wyatt? Oh, that hot piece of ass Sabrina used to sleep with before she settled for this sack of mashed potatoes? Maw Maw.
I told you, we're not doing costumes this time.
Anyway.
Back when Wyatt and I were together, his dad got my family a really good deal on homeowner's insurance just to impress me.
I'm gonna hit the hay.
Yeah, I'm gonna call it, too.
(Sighs) Virginia: You're sleeping out here? Why don't you let Hope sleep with us and you can go sleep in the bedroom with Sabrina? Your wife.
And lover.
In that little twin bed? (Chuckles) We'd be right on top of each other.
On top of your wife.
And lover.
Nah.
It's been a crazy night.
We should just get some sleep.
It's worse than we thought.
They're not even sleeping in the same bed.
He's sleeping on the couch.
All this security is driving them apart.
I mean, insurance? Have you ever heard of anything so irresponsible? I know.
Sometimes I feel closest to you when things suck the most.
Exactly.
Stability is the enemy.
We need to shake them up on a deeper level.
A body in the ocean tends to remain in the ocean.
What do we do? It has to be something they don't have insurance for.
What if we crash their car? No, that won't work.
Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance.
It's called Obama-Car.
Well, I'm out.
Their world's too big for me.
But they're not in their world anymore, Burt.
They're in ours.
Oh, don't look at me like that.
Your mother's so scared of spiders, she sleeps with a panty ho on her head.
This is all a dream.
Burt! I got it.
Sabrina's checkbook.
Did you take care of Jimmy's wallet? Yep.
Gone.
Virginia: You burned it? Jimmy will have no choice but to turn to Sabrina for some sweet love and consoling.
We're trying to give him stress that leads to a massage, not stress that leads to a heart attack.
You said to get rid of it, because without access to their money, they'd feel less secure.
I meant you should hide his wallet for a little while.
Not burn all his money.
What is wrong with me? I always take these things too far.
I'm like a bull in a china shop who likes to burn things in a barbeque.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
It's an easy mistake.
Well, that feels good.
Really good.
Sabrina: What do you mean, it's not here? Jimmy: I mean I had it, and now it's gone.
Burt, wake up! There's pudding everywhere! We've been robbed! (Quietly): It worked.
Are you sure you had it in your pants? Of course I'm sure.
Uh, what are you looking for? Jimmy lost his wallet.
Jimmy: I didn't lose it.
I know that I had it last night.
It's my fault.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I forgot to lock the front door last night.
Damn me and my small-town, mid-century American values.
It's okay.
Just try to relax.
- Not now, Burt.
- Shh Jimmy: I had everything in my wallet.
I had my driver's license, ATM card, sub club.
Aw, man! My lucky 50-cent piece! Oh, no.
What? What is it? I had $500 in my wallet.
What? Jimmy, I raised you never to have that kind of money.
You had $500? This is a lot worse than I originally thought.
Jimmy, what were you doing with $500? Jimmy: Well, I got our emergency envelope from the desk last night when we were leaving the house.
Wait, Jimmy, there was only $20 in that emergency envelope.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive.
I went to the bank and I deposited the rest of it last night 'cause I didn't think we should have that much cash around.
Oh, you're kidding.
That's amazing.
- I'm not a loser! - Of course you're not a loser.
Let's go to the mall and we'll get you a new wallet with the Velcro and the little plastic picture things you like to put your sugar packets in.
Oh, we were this close.
I can't believe she deposited the money.
Once again, the little guy gets screwed by the banks.
First insurance, now she's teaching him to be responsible with money.
She's ruining their marriage.
I knew she was no good.
Or too good or whatever.
We just haven't found her chaos button yet.
Ooh, I bet I know just the way to push it.
So a priest walks into a bar and he says What the hell is Wyatt doing here? I don't get it.
Is Wyatt the bartender? No, Wyatt is your ex-boyfriend.
(Laughs) Oh, now I get it.
Hello, Sabrina.
What are you doing here? He's selling us insurance.
Yeah.
We were so impressed with yours, we thought it was about time we got some ourselves.
You sell insurance now? I sell dreams.
The dream of a flood, a fire, the loss of a loved one, where you can cash in big.
We just bought every policy he sells.
You can never be too safe.
In fact, if there's insurance for being too safe, we'll take that, too.
Anyway, when we heard what a great deal you got, we thought: Who better to buy insurance from than the guy Sabrina thinks so highly of, she almost picked him over Jimmy? Almost.
We're still young.
Okay, well, that that's-that's fine.
You know, I think it's really great that you guys are finally protecting all this.
And, uh I think we will definitely find a way to get comfortable with it.
Wyatt, now that Jimmy and Sabrina are home, would you like to join us for dinner? Yes.
I would love to.
Maw Maw, I told you we're not doing costumes.
Dinner's up in five minutes.
- Why don't I go help Dad with the hot dogs? - He's good.
So, Wyatt, why don't you tell us how you got involved in the exciting world of insurance? Well, I needed some security after Sabrina plunged a dagger into my heart by choosing to spend her life with a far lesser man.
Uh, one day, my dad asked me to join the family insurance business.
So I started protecting people's futures the way I should've been protecting my fragile heart from a cold, cold bitch who shall go unnamed.
Hey, Burt, how are those dogs coming? Well, whatever happened, Wyatt, it-it sounds like it worked out for the best.
Not all of it.
Have you ever met a cocaine dealer who took credit cards? I did.
It It kind of ruined my credit.
I'm having a tough time finding someplace to live.
Hey, you need a place to live? - We got space for you here.
- I don't think that Yeah! You should take Jimmy's room.
The last guy who lived there got Sabrina.
So who knows? And if it tips you one way or the other, sometimes I get confused which door is the bathroom.
Jimmy: Look, Wyatt.
I'm sorry that Sabrina chose me over you.
And-and that you're selling insurance.
And I'm sorry that, uh, you don't have a place to live.
But there is no way that you can live in my old room.
Right, Sabrina? I think it's a great idea! What? Well, Wyatt needs a place to stay, and your parents have the space.
I think we can figure something out.
Uh, can I talk to you for a sec? Of course.
We lit the fuse, now it's just time to watch the bomb go off.
I bet they're falling into each other's arms in seconds.
We are such good parents.
Shh.
(Groans) Damn, I can't hear a word they're saying.
I think it's pretty obvious what they're saying.
(Imitating Sabrina): That poor guy needs a home over there.
It doesn't matter that he's he's much more handsome than you.
(Scoffs) (Imitating Jimmy): Well, I can't argue with how handsome he is, but (Scoffs) I-I will argue with him sleeping in my old room.
I am very angry! Ooh, I like it when you're angry.
I feel something in my loins.
Oh, take it easy, Burt.
No loin talk.
I am walking away because I'm angry! J-Jimmy, come on, don't do this! What's he Where's he going? She can't massage him if he leaves the fight.
Burt: Uh-oh.
Ooh, what's he doing there? (Burt imitating Wyatt): Hey, Sabrina.
Thanks for the hot dogs.
You're looking awful vulnerable and sexy tonight.
You want a hug? Burt, cut it out.
Do you think we went too far? You're asking me? I'm the "too far" guy.
You're supposed to reel me in! - Oh, dear Lord.
- All right.
Now, stay calm, Virginia.
Not every massage has to lead to Both: No! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Wyatt, she's a married woman! Burt, Virginia, this is not what it looks like.
Unless it looks like I was trying for tongue 'cause I was.
What about tongue? Sabrina, were you trying to kiss Wyatt? Jimmy, no, it's all our fault.
Your father and I were worried that your marriage was losing its spark.
And that's why we brought Wyatt here.
To get you two fighting.
Aha! We were right.
Yeah, you called it.
We knew you guys were setting us up.
I didn't know what you were up to, but I knew something was weird.
But then I saw something that made it a little bit clearer for me.
After that, it was just a matter of getting Jimmy on board.
Your parents are messing with us.
There was no pickpocket.
Your 50-cent piece is in the barbecue.
I knew it would turn up.
There's nothing luckier than a Kennedy.
Jimmy, your parents stole your wallet.
I'm so confused, but I trust you.
When I take my hands off of your face, I want you to act like you're so, so mad at me and storm off and walk away, okay? And then I'm gonna find out what's going on.
Okay, I'm going to throw my arms up like I'm really, really mad.
- They'll totally buy that.
- Why would you do that? Trust me, I can sell it! I am walking away because I'm angry! Jimmy, stop! Why are you doing this? The coin didn't burn? They should make the space shuttle out of coins.
When did you tell Wyatt that he should try to make a move on you? Oh, I didn't do that.
If you leave Wyatt alone with a girl for 20 seconds, he's gonna make a move on her.
Wyatt, can you come inside and help with something? It'll take about 20 seconds.
Anyway, so you and Jimmy are fine? I'm sorry, Wyatt.
I am still in love with my husband.
And your offer for me to live here? Sorry, Wyatt, we don't really need a roommate.
Your life, home and boat insurance? I know we-we look like boat people, but we could never own a boat.
Or a home.
Or insurance.
So you just used me? And fed you.
And let you use the lavatory.
And we gave you a 20-minute window to try and get Sabrina back.
Swing and a miss, buddy.
You're all horrible people.
And I really wish horrible, horrible things happen to you.
Oh, and because they might, I can still offer my competitive rates.
I would definitely get fire insurance if I were you.
Because I'm considering burning down your house.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
We'll be in touch.
So, what made you guys think we were losing our spark? Because Jimmy told me that you two weren't having (Whispers): S-E-X.
And I noticed you weren't shaving your legs.
They looked like something PETA would protest.
Sabrina: Okay, I'm sorry.
First of all, I'm growing it out to get it waxed.
And second of all, are you talking to your dad about our sex life? Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup Hey.
Pennies! If she keeps falling for that, you should have her looked at.
No, I didn't tell him about our sex life.
You said, "There is nothing to talk about.
" Because I didn't want to talk to my dad about my sex life.
Why not? We always talk to you about our sex life.
I know.
And it's weird.
I keep asking you over and over to stop, but you just keep going.
MAW MAW: How come nobody asks me about my sex life? Any one of you prudes ever sleep with an Academy Award winner? Anyway, we thought your marriage was in trouble, okay? So we tried to give you something that always worked for us in the past.
A little chaos to shake things up.
It's very sweet.
Kind of.
You blew a hole in our wall that is going to take weeks to fix.
- Because we love you.
Sabrina: It's great that you were worried about us, but it's just that - we do things differently.
- Yeah, oddly enough, disasters don't turn us on.
Then may I suggest a bottle of tequila and an electric toothbrush.
Okay, I'm done.
While my parents made the most out of channeling the stress in their lives, Sabrina and I responded to a different kind of stimulation.
Sabrina! - It's all done.
- Wow! It looks great.
And that is the second to last thing on our to-do list.
Really? What's left? Oh, just the door.
What do I have to do? Sand it? Paint it? Lock it.
Oh (Grunts, yells) Maw Maw put herself to bed.
Jimmy and Sabrina are back home and doing great.
Hope's just a "P" and an "E" away from being able to spell her own name.
Things have never been better.
I know.
The bills are paid, the cars are working.
That flesh-eating virus I thought I had? Turned out to be spaghetti sauce.
(Sighs) I can't think of a damn thing to worry about.
What if the giant branch that hangs over the power line snaps and causes some kind of electrical fire? Dang it.
I trimmed that.
(Sighs) What about Oprah's cable network? If that goes under, she could lose one of her homes.
No, it finally started turning a profit.
And her movie career is smoking.
We really have nothing to worry about.
That kind of makes me worried.
Me, too.
What if it stays good? What if all the excitement is gone? What if nothing bad ever happens to us ever again? It will.
Trust me, honey.
Just relax.
I'm sure chaos is right around the corner.
That feels good.
Really good.
(Horn toots) Thank you, second team.