Rick and Morty (2013) s04e08 Episode Script

1
[RAT SQUEAKING]
Oh, shit, I almost parked.
- Hey, Morty, hold on, Wat-watch this.
-
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I thought it was cool.
So. We should be in and out.
Simple exchange, not even
really an adventure.
And if anything goes wrong
which it won't
jump into the same vat
of acid I jump into.
Okay. Wait Wait, what?
- Wha-What vat of acid?
- What, Morty!
Close the door.
I pre-scouted this location
and placed a vat of fake
acid amongst the real ones.
It's got air hoses and a compartment
of bones at the bottom.
If things go wrong, which they won't,
we jump into the vat of acid,
and I'll release the bones,
they'll float up
- What is this face you're making?
- Aren't you an inventor?
Yeah, what part of a fake acid
vat with built-in air supply
and quick-release bones isn't
inventive enough for you,
and when did my job become
pitching you ideas?
All right! Let's just do this.
- I have English homework.
- You're still learning English?
That's the language you speak.
How dumb are you?
♪
Interesting choice of
meeting place, Rick.
You like it? My grandson had notes.
- Come on.
- Show him the crystals, Morty.
I'll make lots of money with these.
I'll make lots of those with these.
Well. Those are fake.
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Come on.
- You gotta be kidding me. Seriously?
You brought fake crystals and a gun?
Beats real crystals and no gun.
Okay, but does anything beat
fake crystals and a fake arm?
Whoa, do you know who I am?!
Even if you kill me, you're a dead man.
Are you serious?
Morty, he's right. We're screwed.
Let's just end it. Quick death, come on.
Aw, man. Oh!
Eh!
Holy shit. What the fuck?
- Holy shit.
- What kind of psycho?
His own grandson?
CHURNK: Guess he took
your threat pretty serious.
Yeah, but it just
doesn't make any sense.
Well, he was a scientist.
Maybe he knew more about acid,
maybe it's like the most
painless way to go.
How could that have been painless?
You saw that pause before
the bones floated up,
that had to be five seconds
of unparalleled torture.
I I can't get my head around it.
I-I thought I'd seen
this galaxy at its darkest.
This is This is gonna
take a while to feel normal.
We're pretty good listeners, boss.
Drinks are on us if
you want to talk it out.
Thanks, but
what happened, it happened here.
I don't want to lose the moment.
Take your time, boss.
We'll stay here as long as you want.
Absolutely. I got nowhere to be.
♪
♪
♪
And then little Tommy FlimFlam's
running down the Hyperloop.
His ass is on fire from Xenon fluid,
but his AI hologram is
fuckin' his own pee hole.
[LAUGHS]
- Great story, boss. [CHUCKLES]
- Really detailed.
Yeah, well, I got a million of 'em.
All right. I think I'm ready
to deal with the world now.
Let's get out of here.
Should we drop our buddy
in here before we go?
Yeah, probably a good idea.
-
- Should we use a different vat?
Does acid lose its acid power
the more it dissolves?
What am I, an acidologist?
Here, grab that ratlike creature,
we'll do a little test.
Look, if you're going to test
the damn acid, don't use a rat,
take that ladle, grab a spoonful,
and put it in the analyzer.
- Oh!
- Hey!
Oh!
Okay, I'd say that's pretty acidy.
Drop him in.
What are you doing?
- You said
- Not the rat! The guy!
Ooh! Marone!
Look at the size of
the bones on that rat!
Oh! How many sets of bones this rat got?
And look how the smaller
ones are shaped!
They're like little cartoon bones,
like if you drew a bone in art class!
All right, that tears it.
I'm canceling the rest of my night
and calling a bone scientist.
We're getting to the bottom of this
Jesus fucking Christ, enough already!
- Oh!
- Hey!
- Whoa!
- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
♪
Can we go?
The fuck is wrong with you?
Just admit it was a shitty idea!
Having a grandson?
A vat of fake acid!
Are you dying of dementia?
How are you talking to me like this?
Wh-When did you get so cocky?
Tonight! Tonight, Rick!
The night I saw you fail!
- Because you ruined it!
- It was pre-ruined!
Oh, was it worse than
when I was a pickle?
Oh-oh-oh that's right,
you weren't there for that.
Turned out kind of cool.
- Maybe there's a connection there.
- Excuse me?
What's that cool thing
you did without me again?
The awesome thing?
I-I-I guess you wanted a dragon?
Mwah. Unforgettable.
- God, fuck you.
- Timely, too,
you really got in on that "Game of
Thrones" fever right at the peak.
You trying as hard as you
can to hurt me right now
- proves my point.
- I'll let you know when you have a point
and the world will know
when I try to hurt you.
Big man, big genius. Big lonely drunk.
Hey, save some of these
atomic-age beatnik zingers
for your English homework, Bukowski.
There's no such thing
as a bad idea, Morty.
It's about execution.
No such thing as a bad idea?
Except all of mine, right?
Morty, wanting a dragon isn't an idea.
I'm not talking about that!
I'm constantly pitching you ideas, Rick,
and you act like they're not
even worth thinking about!
What, the helicopter lawn chair?
That's just something you saw on TV.
What about my video-game-style
place-saving device?
Oh, my God, here we go.
It's a good idea, Rick!
A device that lets you
Save your place like in a video game,
but in real life so
that you can try stuff
and then go back to your save point,
yes, Morty, I saw it on "Futurama."
Oh, so you don't do anything
unless it's original?
- I don't do time travel.
- It's not time travel,
- it's saving a place in time
- Oh, my God,
is this what you think I do?
This is where the heavy
lifting happens in your mind?
Do you have any idea
how much fucking work
- would have to go into a machine that
- Ah-ha!
- You can't do it!
- I can do anything, Morty.
- Your idea is not worth doing.
- You can't do it.
Before what you're trying
to do was called "negging,"
it was called "reverse psychology,"
and incels didn't invent
it, Bugs Bunny did.
- You can't do it.
- There is nothing I cannot do.
- A place-saving video-game thing!
- You're a piece of shit.
- Just say you can't do it!
- I won't!
You won't say you can't?
- Fuck you, Morty!
- Fuck you!
Fuck you! [GRUNTS]
Son of a bitch.
- So are you gonna
- Yes, I'm gonna fucking do it!
Rick, it's 3:00 a.m.
Wh-Wh-What's going on?
W-Why'd you call me?
You were right, Morty. [SIGHS]
I failed. I can't make it.
And honestly, I'm pretty ashamed.
That might be why I've been
so aggressive and unfair
- about rejecting your ideas.
- Rick
A fake acid vat, Morty?
Maybe I've lost it.
Maybe I never had it.
Hey. C'mon. Y-You know
I didn't mean it that way.
I just think we need to find
better ways to communicate.
I'm sorry. I just
I lash out sometimes.
I-I-I don't know why I do that!
I'm so ashamed of myself.
Hearing you talk about the vat
it really opened my eyes.
- Like what the fuck am I even doing?
- Hey. Hey.
I don't like hearing this talk.
You're a great inventor.
We just got a couple things to work on.
Let's start with inventing
a little honesty.
- Sound good?
- Thank you, Morty. Sounds good.
- Or maybe I'll just kill you.
- What?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Rick
- Because I fucking did it!
- Oh-ho-ho!
- Booya!
- Holy shit.
- You did it! You did it!
- I did it, you little son of a bitch!
- How did you
- Morty, do you want me to explain,
or you wanna go have some fun?
I wanna have some fun!
Oh, my God.
Rick, this is this is thank you!
You can thank me later. Go nuts.
Best grandpa ever!
That's all I ever wanted to hear.
[BELL RINGS]
All right, class,
I know I've been absent for
most of this school year.
I'll be honest with you
during spring break,
I attended a renaissance faire
and fell in love with a buxom
hand-axe juggler half my age.
I overplayed my interest
in her lifestyle
just to get closer to her,
traveling the country with her troupe,
and I am embarrassed to say
I am now an expert blacksmith
with several STDs and a broken heart.
I beseech your nasty little asses
to speak on the matter no further.
Now that that's out of the way,
who wants to do some math?
- I'll do it.
- A bold move, Morty Smith.
But can you deliver?
Oh, I've got something to deliver.
Ahh!
Oh, God. What the hell!
Aw, goddamnit, this is traumatizing.
Oh, my God, what's wrong with your dick?
- Not cool.
- I'm allergic to sheepskin!
Bold move, Morty Smith.
But can you deliver?
Holy shit. I can do anything.
Yes, with math, anything is possible.
Except a long-term
relationship with a woman
that calls you a warlock
for using a phone.
[BELL RINGS]
Hi, uh, hey, Jessica.
Oh. Hey, Morty.
Hey Jessica, right?
Um. Yeah. Hi. Sorry.
I thought you knew my name
because we've interacted so many times,
but maybe I was just being stupid.
Sorry. Hi. I-I'm Jessica. That's me.
- Cool. See you around.
- Jessica.
Yeah. I hope I see you.
- Around.
- Guess we'll see.
[SQUEALS]
I think I'm gonna like this thing.
It's in the way that you use it ♪
It comes and it goes ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
Boy, don't you know ♪
And if you lie ♪
- You will lose it ♪
-
Feelings will show ♪
-
- So don't you ever abuse it ♪
Don't let it go ♪
[SCREAMS]
Oh shit, suicide by cop!
I love these!
Nobody's weak until
somebody's strong ♪
You're living too fast, Morty.
I don't pay for your
friendship, Heroin Keith.
Damn.
Nobody's lonely until
somebody's gone ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
-
- It comes and it goes ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
Boy, don't you know ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
It comes and it goes ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
Boy, don't you know ♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
It comes and it goes ♪
It's in the way that you use it ♪
Boy, don't you know ♪
And if you lie, you will lose it ♪
Feelings will show ♪
So don't you ever abuse it ♪
Don't let it go ♪
Nobody's right ♪
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, hi, Jessica.
Hey, I'm sorry I brushed
you off the other day.
I was just trying to be cool
Oh, I don't even know
what you're talking about.
But you seem different.
Like you finally found yourself.
Yeah. I I guess I have.
That's good to hear.
I like who you found.
Yeah. Yeah, I do, too.
Looking forward to seeing more.
I'll see you tomorrow, Morty.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
How's it going?
Y'know, it was fun, Rick. Real fun.
Y'know I-I-I definitely
sowed those oats.
But I think you invented
a little lesson for me along the way.
Living without consequences is great,
but then I started wondering
what am I living for?
What am I building?
If I'm always looking back,
I'm never looking ahead.
And then it hit me.
We are who we are
because of consequences.
You can't live without consequences,
y'know? You feel me?
[SLURPS] Wow.
That's a beautiful thought,
Morty, but, uh, no.
There were definitely consequences.
What're-What-What are you talking about?
I mean. You did everything you did.
- It all happened.
- No. But the the respawn button.
- The The do-over.
- It's not a do-over.
You just did it. Over and over.
What are you saying? W-What did you do?
I think it's more appropriate
to ask what did you do?
You see, Morty,
you weren't saving your place
and going back. I don't
respect time travel.
If "Ant Man and the Wasp"
can do it, I'm not interested.
It wasn't so much a do-over
as it was isolating a moment in time,
splitting your probable selves,
and shunting you into to
into a near-duplicate,
equally probable reality,
transporting you into it
at the moment of parallel determination.
Pretty nifty. Time crystals
are a bitch and a half,
but the only real hitch is
that there was already a you
in each probable dimension.
So we had to solve for that.
[SCREAMING]
That's right, you little bitch!
It's "The Prestige"!
You "Prestige'd" yourself!
- Rick, how many did I kill?
- You tell me, Morty.
Every time you reset
to smell Jessica's hair,
every time you relived
a satisfying fart,
that's how many Mortys
you've incinerated,
you greedy little junkie.
Oh, God even those times when I
Especially those times.
- It's over, Morty. Feel this.
- [CRYING]
- Take this in. This is God.
- Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh
Why would you do this?
My hands are clean, Morty.
I gave you a choice.
You could listen to me explain,
in great scientific detail,
how it all works
or you could have fun.
- Did you have fun, Morty?
- Is this because of the vat?
- No.
- I'm sorry.
I'm afraid it's too
late for that, Morty.
What's done is done, but it can end.
The original split is still timestamped.
I can make it so those
Mortys never existed at all,
make them purely theoretical.
Oh, God. What do I do?
I think it's clear you've done enough.
Tell me how, Rick! Tell me
how I save those Mortys!
You live with the consequences.
Those things happened somewhere,
but you can merge the probable realities
so that only one Morty did them.
Just do it.
All right, lemme just sync these up
and get you back to your dimension.
Wait, so so you're not even my Rick?
Then Then why do you
know about the vat?
Every Rick has a vat!
♪
[SCREAMING]
♪
[SLURPS]
Well, Morty,
I'd say we've invented
a little honesty today.
- How about you?
- I don't deserve this.
I was just having fun.
So was Jeffrey Dahmer.
Speaking of, time to pay the piper.
[TIRES SCREECH, SIREN WAILS]
Morty Smith.
Come out with your
hands up, you sick fuck.
We're also fine with just shooting you
if you wanna suicide by cop.
What? What is this?
Wow. Looks like a SWAT Team,
some drug dealers,
some grassroots MeToo
activists, the ACLU
Jesus, Morty, the AARP?
- I don't wanna talk about it!
- The NAACP, GamerGate
Morty, is that Supreme Court
Justice Sonia Sotomayor?
I'm sorry! I I'm sorry!
I-Is that what you want me to say?
- What What do I do?
- Oof, well, I'm stumped.
Seems like there's no
way out of this one.
Unless
God damn it.
Yeah, I guess it is, uh
what did you call it?
Uh, uh, "A shitty idea"?
- God damn it.
- Say the vat is good.
- The vat is good.
- Kiss the vat.
Do not go into that vat.
It appears to be full of acid.
It is! Please, he's just a little boy!
- Let me talk to him.
- Tell him we're very upset!
Morty, please. Step back.
That vat is full of acid.
It'll melt you completely,
leaving only your bones.
- Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm going in the vat!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Oh! God! Aw, I blame myself!
Oh, what a tragedy.
This Oh, well, he's bones now.
I guess all debts are paid.
Agreed. He's definitely dead.
Why else would the bones come up?
While his actions were horrifying
and we are well within our
rights to be outraged,
I do wonder if we bear
some responsibility
for this young man
melting himself in acid.
Are we here for justice
or something else?
"Though justice be thy
plea, consider this,
that in the course of justice
none of us should see salvation.
We do pray for mercy."
"Merchant of Venice," nice.
- Very cool. Lots to think about.
- Vengeance is a tomb,
- all-encompassing
- All right, okay,
this isn't a poetry
reading, a kid just died.
Everybody go home and hug
your loved one or something.
[VEHICLE DOORS CLOSING,
ENGINES STARTING]
Wait.
How do we know that's really acid
and you didn't just have
someone's bones in there?
I mean, if you're doubting
if that's really acid
and not just jacuzzi-heated
Mountain Dew,
you're welcome to use this ladle.
You think I'm a goddamn idiot?
Brought my own.
Aah!
Oh, God! Oh, God no!
Oh, God, no! Oh, no Huh?
I'm acid-proof!
Fuck all of you. Fuck all of you,
I'm gonna be rich!
Here's my ass.
Take a good look, spank it!
Acid proof!
Feels like that guy had
other stuff going on.
Don't ever make fun of me again.
Ever!
All right, c'mon Morty, let's go home.
Wait, what? This
This isn't our reality?
What, you think I'd waste our home
teaching you a fucking lesson?
[SIGHS] I am gonna miss
this place, though
Johnny Carson's still
alive and on the air,
9/11 never happened,
and Rocky Road ice cream
has peanut butter
- instead of marshmallows.
- The fu What?
The marshmallows are the best part!
Morty
♪
♪
♪
♪
-
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Our next guest, ah, gave us,
well, actually, very little information,
ah, besides the fact that he
is, uh, impervious to acid.
So here he is, he's here to prove it.
Let's welcome this guy.
Let's do this shit!
Now, you're, uh
you're sure about this?
Eat my ass.
- Hoist me!
- I did not know that ass
was on the menu.
Don't steal my moment!
- Do it!
- Ah, okay,
then without further ado drop him.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
[SCREAMING]
Looks like I'll be eating ass flambé.
[LAUGHTER]
Please kill me.
-
- [APPLAUSE]