Sabrina The Teenage Witch s04e08 Episode Script

[PAULA ABDUL'S "OPPOSITES ATTRACT" PLAYING OVER TV.]
Paula Abdul really knows how to pick a man.
I love her.
She doesn't know you're alive.
Well, that's gonna change.
I know some people in high places who have some friends who told me her number's on the Internet.
Oh, Lord, she ran into a wall again.
No, she's taking waltzing lessons.
It is a great way to exercise.
I'm just having trouble finding a partner.
Zelda? I don't plan on being reduced to dancing with my sister until they put us in the home.
I've got to talk to Harvey.
No time for eating.
- How about a waltz? - How about no? She kissed Josh last night, and Harvey saw them.
What? And no one called me at waltz class to tell me? I want that.
There.
Great.
A fake talking cat.
Just what we need around here.
So Sabrina kissed Josh, and Harvey saw them? - Tell me everything.
- That's everything.
You go, girl.
SABRINA: Hey.
- Hey.
Enough small talk.
Listen, Harvey, I want to explain to you about that thing that happened with Josh.
By "thing," you mean the kiss, right? Let's not argue over semantics.
Look, I didn't plan to kiss him.
- But you looked like you enjoyed it.
- Enjoy? Well, now we're getting into semantics again.
PAULA [OVER MACHINE.]
: Hi, leave a message and I'll get back to you.
If this is that weird guy, Salem, stop weeping into my phone.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
[SOBBING.]
All right, when a woman's avoiding you, a man has to be a man and has to do the manly thing: Pretend to be kidnapped.
We figured you'd be home for lunch.
So how did things go with Harvey? He's not speaking to me.
The Josh kiss was that good, huh? I don't know what to do.
I like Harvey and I don't wanna lose him, but I like Josh too.
Well, I always say, don't take your foot off the dock until the other one is securely on the ship.
- What? - What? Until you're sure Josh is interested, keep one foot on Harvey.
Hilda, that's dishonest.
Really? It sounds kind of perfect.
You know you shouldn't treat people like that.
Put yourself in Harvey's place.
Watch out.
This spell is never pretty.
[CHANTING.]
Of empathy This girl has very few traces Allow Sabrina and Harvey To trade places Harvey.
Oh, hey, Sabrina.
This is my girlfriend, Sarah.
What? But I'm your girlfriend.
Were.
Until I figured out whether things were gonna work out with Sarah.
They are.
Okay, upsetting and creepy.
In your heart, you know that honesty is the right way to go.
Fine.
It's a lot more fun talking to Aunt Hilda.
Harvey, I have to be honest with you.
Great.
That's what coach says right before, "Your best effort isn't good enough.
" I wanna be your girlfriend, but I have feelings for Josh too, and I don't want to string you along.
Unless that's something you're interested in.
You know, I've been second string in football, basketball, even badminton.
I don't wanna be second string with you.
Harvey.
Hey, I hope you and Josh are happy.
[SIGHS.]
[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am so sick of leading.
[CLOCK CHIMES.]
Oh! Ugh.
It's never Fred Astaire.
SALEM: My kidnapping plan is under way.
I haven't called Paula Abdul in 15 whole minutes.
I'm sure she's in a panic about my kidnapping.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES.]
I love my life.
Can I be honest? Honesty stinks.
Has Josh said anything about the kiss? No.
And I gave him my best "Hi, Josh," all I got back was a "Hey.
" - I don't think he likes me.
- He kissed you.
That was hours ago.
Maybe he's moved on.
Oh, why did I tell Harvey that I like Josh? But I do like Josh.
I can make him like me.
Hey, Josh, can I borrow that when you're finished? My textbook on 19th-century philosophy? - Yeah, I can't get enough of it.
- You can't? I think your cocoa's getting cold.
Knock yourself out.
Thanks.
Ha-ha.
He hates me.
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH.]
She came in through the clock.
I have no idea what she's saying.
Somebody please tell me what's going on.
Oh, well, I could have done that.
- What is your name? - Marie Curie.
Madame Curie, the famous scientist? - This is an honour.
- It certainly is.
How do we get rid of her? Well, we have to figure out what caused her to become lost in time.
Madame, what year do you think this is? That was before she won the Nobel Prize with her husband, Pierre.
Pierre? Ptoo! We are finished.
He is a worm.
Ptoo! Obviously, they don't give a prize for manners.
Hey, I'm actually not working Saturday night.
Hey, you're not working, either.
Any plans? No, not really.
Well, I don't have any plans, either.
Weird.
So you like sci-fi movies, right? Oh, yeah.
If mankind is in peril and it's in black and white, I'm there.
Well, they're showing my favourite, The Blob.
Steve McQueen and a big tub of goo.
What else do you need in a movie? Well, it's playing at the student union, and since we're both not working, and we're both sci-fi fanatics, we should go.
- What, you mean, like a date? - A date? Well, that never really crossed my mind, but are you asking? Look, Sabrina, I like you a lot.
And obviously, as evidenced by that little kiss the other night, I find you attractive.
So you'll pick me up at 8? - But I'm so much older than you.
- Four years.
I'm glad you see my point.
I really think it would be better if we just stayed friends.
He thinks I'm "too young" for him.
Did he use air quotes or did he really mean too young? I guess I do come off my own age.
I saw Harvey jumpstart his car today.
- Significance? - We used to do that together.
I was always the negative.
So what you're saying is, you'd really rather be with Harvey.
No, it's not that.
It's just I need to make myself seem more sophisticated.
- For Harvey? - No, for Josh.
Okay, now my head hurts.
Sabrina, my many years on this Earth have taught me one thing: You can't control love.
Meanwhile, I need you to cut some words out of those magazines for me.
"Kidnapped.
Million dollars.
" - What is this for? - The-- A Pictionary? Hey, peeps.
I hear Phi Beta-- Max is having a big party tonight.
Who's in? - Aren't you in high school? - She's a senior at Westbridge.
Got to go.
So I signed up for this waltz class.
It's great exercise and fun.
I just need a partner.
So, what do you say? No.
Fine.
Oh, by the way, Tintin, not funny.
Where am I gonna find a dance partner? My foyer.
Ha-ha.
Look who came through the clock.
Pierre Curie.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Obviously, he's here for Marie.
I'm sure the minute they see each other, everything will be fine.
[MARIE SPEAKS IN FRENCH.]
Marie.
Ptoo! No wonder our French grandmother covered her sofas in plastic.
I don't suppose you waltz? Oh, well, it's been years, but Hmm.
[WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING.]
You're so good.
- And so French.
- Oh.
Hilda? Hilda.
Excuse me.
Heh-heh.
Can we focus? We have got to get the Curies back together.
Now here's the plan.
You find out from Pierre what attracted him to Marie, and I'll find out the same from Marie.
- We'll have to win their confidence.
- Well, good point.
And what better way than by dancing? Heh-heh.
Okay, the mortal way of looking older is not working.
- So magic is the only answer.
- Let me.
[CHANTING.]
Sabrina's down and hurt Make her as old as dirt SABRINA: Oh, yeah.
Josh will just sweep me away.
Don't do that again.
Josh is hung up on the fact I'm in high school, - so I just have to be a little older.
- Ooh.
This looks like a good one.
"To enhance your years Try a potion Check out the counter Of notions and lotions" "Oil of Old Age.
Apply to your face and throat, and you'll age gracefully.
" How do you feel? Like I'm ready to backpack across Europe.
All right, that's gotta be early 20s.
So tell me, Pierre, what attracted you to Marie? Whoo! Tell me later.
Ha-ha.
Madame-- Marie, what attracted you to Pierre? He had a laboratory and no debts.
Oh.
So it was a love match.
MAN: Whoa! MEN: Hey.
Hello.
Heh.
- May I buy you a cup of coffee? - Do you think they sell that here? [ALL LAUGH.]
I'm loving this.
I feel so mature, so confident and just smooth.
This spell is the best.
Why did I make such a big deal about four years? Ha-ha-ha.
I'm posting that on my website tonight.
Josh at 10 o'clock.
Oh, hi, Josh.
Listen, is it too late for me to change my mind about that movie? No, we can go see The Blot-- I mean, The Blob.
Good.
First, dinner.
Then, scary monsters.
BOTH: Yes.
You know, magic does have a certain sense of whimsy, doesn't it? Latte.
- Sabrina? - Oh, hello, Harvey.
It's nice to see you again.
Have you looked in the mirror lately? - That's weird.
- All right, class, let's settle down.
Hello, Barbara.
Are you available for lunch? I'm good next Friday.
Sabrina, I need some help.
I've thought that for years, but now is not the time.
Josh is waiting.
I just need you to take a picture of me with today's newspaper.
- Why? - Eee-- Lawsuit.
High school has really taken a toll on that girl.
Well, I'll have the burger and fries.
Do you have any fish? Do you have any fish that isn't breaded and deep fried? Just water for me.
Saving room for the mile-high mud cake? No.
Listen, Sabrina, we haven't really talked about the other night, and I know I've been sending mixed signals-- I'm glad you brought it up.
I need to know your intentions.
Intentions? It's our first date.
The perfect time to find out if this relationship's going anywhere.
Well, I don't know, I mean, we're at different points in our lives.
I'm thinking about graduate school, a career-- And I'm thinking about kids and a career.
Mister, I want it all, but I can't make that happen with Peter Pan.
Now, I need to know, are you in it for the long haul? Screaming babies, stretch marks, the works? That's a good question.
And it's gonna require some careful thought.
And I should get started on that thinking right now.
And to think I just threw away the last three minutes with that man.
So I discovered that this blue liquid can replace a centrifuge.
Amazing.
Zelda, be my partner.
Really? But what about Pierre? Pierre.
Ptoo! Well, it would be an honour to work with one of the great minds of all time.
Maybe you shouldn't go back.
We can win a Nobel Prize.
[GLASS SHATTERS, SIZZLING.]
I was planning on refinishing that floor anyway.
Hilda, dancing with you is like gliding on air.
- Only sweatier.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- You're graceful and witty.
- Oh! I'm sorry, but you're not going back.
Hi, Sabrina.
This is Pierre.
- Are you okay? You look tired.
- Bad night.
I think I'm just gonna curl up with a romance novel and some Epsom salts.
You too? [SNEEZES.]
Wait, ho, never leave the house without a tissue, dear.
I left my lunch at home.
Wait a minute.
Heh.
Ah! Yup, I thought so.
Fibre wafers.
Filling, and they keep things moving.
You're welcome.
These kids today have no home training.
Oh, Harvey, stand up straight.
- Have you been getting enough sleep? - Hold still, you've got a little schmutz.
This isn't because we broke up, is it? No, dear.
Heh.
I need a more mature man.
You're so cute.
[RINGS.]
- Hello? - Did you get the photos? Yes, and the ransom note too.
See, the problem is, I don't know you.
So I really don't care who took your cat.
But see, the cat is actually I don't think I thought this one through.
Stir that solution.
Get me the chloride.
Stop ordering me around.
Besides, you already spilled it on the floor.
And be careful because it's [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Flammable.
Shouldn't you be cleaning? You seem a little sluggish today.
Why don't we take a break.
Just until my feet stop bleeding.
Oh, please, we're just warming up.
I'm beginning to not like him.
She is destroying my lab, and I think she may have done some damage to my lungs.
Well, whether they like it or not, they are gonna sit down and talk.
What about Renee, Marianne, Michelle, you dance with them all.
Makes you feel special, huh? What about Luc, Jean, Jean-Luc, Henri? You're just jealous because he is the scientist you will never be.
- Ouch.
Your turn.
- I am going back to work.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH.]
Go back to work.
That is what you do best.
Work, work and more work.
How badly do we need radium? Oh.
Tuck in your shirt, boy, you're at work.
Excuse me, ma'am, but we've cancelled our early bird special.
It's me.
Sabrina.
And that's a lovely name.
Would you like me to call Dial-A-Ride for you? You're a real wisenheimer.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, look, I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
You say you like me and I'm trying to show you that I'm mature-- [COUGHING.]
You just don't seem interested.
I don't get it.
You are really scaring me, lady.
And I wore my cutest outfit.
- Hi, Harvey.
- Hi.
Hey, are you related to Sabrina Spellman? Well, suddenly, everyone's a comedian.
I gotta get home.
My hammertoe is killing me.
Why don't I help you? These sidewalks have broken hip written all over them.
[MARIE AND PIERRE ARGUING.]
It's our duty to get them back in time.
- We've got to think of something.
- I know.
When he's through arguing, he's gonna wanna dance again, and I can't take it.
[THUD.]
What was that? Maybe she killed him.
It was only a lamp.
[MARIE GIGGLES THEN GASPS.]
- My vase.
- Oops.
- My little butterfingers.
- Butterbody.
I'm so much more comfortable with you than that tall blond.
Hilda.
The name's Hilda.
Let it go.
The freaks are back together.
I have to get a walker.
This lady said she lives here.
That's Sabrina's grandmother.
- I am not.
- She also thinks the war is still on.
Heh-heh.
Come on, Grammy.
Thanks for bringing her home.
Well, she reminded me of Sabrina.
What are you talking about? I look darn cute.
She can't see her true reflection.
[SCREAMS.]
How could this happen? I thought Oil of Old Age was supposed to be safe.
You're supposed to use it sparingly, unless this is the look you were going for.
Why would you do such a thing? I was trying to look older so that Josh would be interested in me.
Oh, I've played that game.
I've changed myself into a princess, a farmer and a wombat.
Believe me, being a princess was the worst.
Did your age bring you any wisdom? Yes.
I learned that I can't be what Josh wants me to be.
I have to be myself.
Although, the beds at the castle were comfy.
If Josh doesn't want you for who you are, then he's not who you're meant to be with.
I never had to work this hard with Harvey.
We were so comfortable together.
- And I enjoyed my steed.
- Stop it.
I miss Harvey.
It was nice of him to walk me home.
He's a nice boy.
Yeah, but he'll never wanna be with me if I smell like Vaporub.
Your youth isn't gone forever.
Drink this prune juice.
Do you think it's too late to cancel that adjustable bed? Sabrinie, will you cut off my ear and place it in this envelope? Gross.
What is your problem? All right, all right.
It's for Paula Abdul.
I faked my own kidnapping so she would pay attention to me.
Does she know who you are? Why does everyone think that's a necessary part of love? Look, I learned the hard way.
It really is better to be honest.
Fine.
I'll try it your way.
But van Gogh really got the babes, right? So wasn't that the weirdest allergic reaction ever? You do seem better.
And I have to tell you that after trying to like philosophy and science fiction and everything else you like, I decided you were right to begin with.
- We are better off as friends.
- Friends.
So maybe sometime, we can do each other's hair? Just friends, with a cute, smart, funny girl.
I'm an idiot.
Hey, have you seen Harvey? I can't wait to make up with him.
Uh-oh.
See you at lunch.
All right.
- Who was that? - Oh, that's Colette.
We're kind of seeing each other.
Oh, so you're doing okay? Yeah, I'm doing okay.
I guess I'll see you around.
Yeah, see you.
Colette? She doesn't look French to me.
I've lost Harvey forever.
Men.
"Dear Paula Abdul, sorry I lied about the free diamond giveaway, but thank you for coming to my house.
I have been going around doing things to try to impress you, but I've decided I just have to be who I am.
Hopefully, you will like that person.
I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I'm very high up in the CIA.
Very high up.
" Why do you keep staring at me? "I can't meet with you, because I'm away on a dangerous mission.
But I would like you to comfort my cat.
" SALEM [IN VOICEOVER.]
: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.
Heh.
Oh, oh.